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Confession: I Obsessively Dieted Down to an Unhealthy Weight

By: , SparkPeople Blogger
10/9/2009 10:00 AM   :  227 comments   :  37,815 Views

Beginning in high school, many of my girlfriends began to call themselves "fat." They started to watch what they ate, drank diet soda, and would sometimes skip lunch (or eat very little). Now, not one of these girls was actually fat—or even slightly overweight for that matter. I didn't get it! To me, it was a bunch of drama and I paid little attention to it. I didn't think of myself as fat and I wasn't about to go on a diet. Many days, I would eat TWO school lunches (especially on pizza day!) because I was young, growing, and very active in sports, practicing for 2+ hours after school each day and lifting weights five times a week. I ate what I wanted—no matter what it was. Fast food value meals (I was the "Burger Queen"), french fries, candy, pasta—you name it. A fruit or vegetable scarcely crossed my lips, but I managed to stay fit and healthy (at least on the outside) because of my active lifestyle.

These girls probably had an effect on me whether I realized it or not. If they call their tiny size-4 bodies fat—what did that mean for me at a size 8? I always did feel "bigger" than my friends. I didn't understand why my thighs were larger than theirs were or why I weighed so much more than they did. (It wasn't until many years later that I realized my height—several inches taller than most of them—and muscle mass had so much to do with it.)

After high school, I developed a greater interest in nutrition and fitness. I had never paid attention to my diet before, but as I learned more about the importance of making healthy food choices, I started bypassing the junk food and fast food and chose whole grains, fruits and vegetables instead. High school sports were long over, but I continued with an exercise program five days a week with an hour of cardio (like running) and 30 minutes of weight training. It was a fun hobby—reading about healthy living, learning to eat better, and hitting the gym. Then I began to track my food on an excel spreadsheet, and because of the advice I read in magazines, I aimed for 1,200 calories per day. For the first time in my life, I started to lose weight. But more importantly—people started to notice. My life would never be the same again.

To be clear, I was never overweight to begin with, but my family, friends and acquaintances started to notice how I was slimming down and I received compliments left and right. My clothes were getting looser. It didn't take much effort, and I realized that with a little more attention, I could lose even more weight and finally be "tiny" like all of my high school friends were. I relished the attention and praise, and as a bit of a perfectionist (to put it mildly), I became driven to take it further. I added another day of exercise to my week. I also added an extra hour on all the other days, in addition to a nighttime yoga video before bed. I tried to be on the move constantly, walking for an hour after dinner, exercising in front of the TV, squatting while I brushed my teeth. Every moment was a chance to double-task and burn more calories. And when I found ways to cut calories or go without food, I did. Each time I felt hungry or heard a grumble in my stomach, I felt strong and in-control, thinking about all the fat my body was burning since my stomach was empty. Reading this now, you may realize how it sounds a bit obsessive—even unhealthy. But at the time, I thought I was making good choices and being the best example of health and fitness.

In a matter of months, I had dropped from my healthy size 8 to a size 4—smaller than I had ever been. I traded in my size mediums for smalls and extra smalls and bought a string bikini to wear to the pool. People at the gym began to tell me that I should be a model. I felt healthy, fit and confident—I was on top of the world!

The funny thing is, no one thought this was abnormal. I was not skeletal or anorexic—a body type that most people notice as a red flag that something was wrong. I looked really fit and toned—like many celebrities whose bodies we often envy. I was not starving myself. I just controlled my calories and chose healthy foods. When I visited two doctors before heading off to college, neither one was concerned about my weight loss—or even that my period had stopped for several months—so neither was I. It probably didn’t set off any alarms because I looked healthy and was still within the healthy weight range for my height. But all the warning signs were there.

I didn't know it then, but I really was hurting my body—and my mind. To reach that ideal size 4, I had to go hungry, eating fewer than 1,200 calories every day, and exercise for more than 2-3 hours a day. To maintain it, I had to keep up with the same routine. It wasn't until I got to college that my new "lifestyle" became impossible to maintain. I couldn't exercise for hours. I couldn't cook or eat the way I wanted. And I couldn't continue going hungry any longer. My body was not comfortable as a size 4. How do I know? Because getting there and staying there was nearly impossible. With the stress of college, I hit my breaking point. Instead of going hungry, which I had done for months, I ate everything in sight—even when I wasn't hungry! I stopped exercising almost completely. I rebelled, and I gained back all of the weight I had lost—and then some. I never had a weight problem in my life, and now here I was, bigger than I had ever been. I needed to shop for bigger and bigger clothes. None of my tiny, new clothes fit—and none of the clothes I wore before fit either. I felt miserable, but it wasn't just because of my increased girth, which made me self-conscious and depressed.

It is one thing to lose weight in a healthful way when you need to for your health or your own comfort level (and I did need to now, for I was overweight for the first time in my life). It's another thing to force your body to become something that it's not, especially when you're already fit and healthy. A "healthy weight" for your height is a range—not a single number—for a reason. You do not have to be at the bottom of the range to be healthy or fit. Sometimes, your "happy weight" (different then "healthy" weight, I define this as natural, comfortable and easy for you to maintain without killing yourself to do so) will be at the top of the range—that's where I am—maybe even slightly above or below it. It's just a chart. It doesn't really know YOU or what is best for you, so take it with a grain of salt. If you feel happy, confident, healthy and fit, then who cares what a scale or a chart has to say?

It took a few years of self-discovery for me to realize what I had done and what was really going on under the surface, the issues I had to deal with to stop obsessing over food or going to extremes with exercise. It took just as long for me to return to my happy weight. And what do you know, I settled back in to the size 8 I wore as a teenager—when I never watched what I ate or counted calories at all. Looking ahead, I see a life that is filled with meaning, memories and the occasional slice of chocolate cake.

Unlike that size 4, this is something I can maintain without depriving myself of any foods or exercising at every spare moment. This is something I can maintain even if I miss a few workouts or overindulge in wedding cake at a reception (as I did last weekend!). I may not match the "ideal" in my mind, but my body knows best, and I'm not willing to fight with it anymore. When I look back on my life, I realize now that being "thin" really didn't change my life or my level of happiness. It got me more attention, sure, but I was still the same person, searching for something that no amount of weight loss could help me find. For me, living the size-4 life wasn't all that it was cracked up to be.

Do you think your life would be better if you were thin? Have you found your own happy weight?

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Comments

  • 123456123456
    177
    I can relate to this so much! I have Exercise Bulimia and Non-Purging Bulimia and the toll it't taken on my body and mind over the past 17 yrs (since I was 10) is horrible to say the least. Many ppl would never peg me for having such illnesses, I too didn't know for the longest time, bc I was never overly thin except for 1-2 times that I can remember. I always had a little meat to me somewhere, ie chest and butt, so no one was ever the wiser.

    It got difficult over the yrs bc my mom and others expceted that I maintain that "trimmer" look and it fed into my illness. Now I battle with keeping the extra weight off as I have steadily gained over the yrs. I was lucky that I was able to get back down to a 14, but even that is a struggle to maintain now. When you put your body thru Hell and back, it eventually will tell you what it wants regardless of what you want. I hope that in time with taking care of myself properly and listening to my body's cues (Intuitive Eating and Living), I can stabilize my weight and size once and for all. Not looking to lose weight. If it happens, it happens, if not, oh well. I just want to be healthy after yrs of not being. - 10/15/2009   3:15:10 PM
  • MEANDU3
    176
    Wow , How great to sit here and read these coments that hit home for me .
    I am going on 60 and feel 16.. maybe silly but it is the truth . I have had 6 kids and a very eventfull life. Breast cancer, epilipsy, bone problems, etc... I joined spark to loose weight and found healthy is more my goal..the weight will be great to loose because of my back,, I FEEL BETTER when I weigh less, . Hang in there every one ... - 10/15/2009   1:35:21 PM
  • 175
    It's scary for me to read this right now because I feel like I may be functioning at the level you were in college. I just hope that someday I will be able to be a "happy and healthy size" instead of constantly worrying about what will happen if I have one more ounce of food. It's so easy, when everyone around you is telling you how great you look, and when everything else in life seems so damn hard to control, to get obsessive. - 10/14/2009   5:56:25 PM
  • KELLMN27
    174
    what happened to the good old days when a size 12 or 14 was considered curvy and beautiful. It was a societal norm to be curvy. Look at Marilyn Monroe, she was never a tiny girl and was considered gorgeous in the eyes of the media and society. - 10/14/2009   5:32:04 PM
  • 173
    I am happy you found a happy weight. People ask me how much weight I want to lose, and I tell them I will know when I get there, refering also to finding mine. - 10/14/2009   1:46:00 PM
  • 172
    Having been underweight (unable to gain) my entire teenage life I am struggling with the weight I now need to loose. I look at old pictures of me and they are not inspiring, I was too skinny. After having two children I was 5'4" 105lbs and still not gaining weight. Finally a few years later at 27years old I weighed 135lbs, I was beginng to gain a little weight. My husband said I looked like a woman instead of a teenage boy. Then we had child number three and I've not lost a pound since. After child number four I began to gain and weighed more than I did at the delivery of child no.4. I know I need to eat or suffer being unhealthy.

    Balance is what's important. Your article is definitely good timing for me. I need to remember to take it slow; the weight will come off.

    Thank you Coach Nicole!
    - 10/14/2009   10:49:35 AM
  • BLUEBRIT
    171
    I have severe gastric problems and am down to my 80's. It really sucks not being able to swallow any food without heaving and if I do manage to get something soft down, the pains are unbearable for the rest of the day. I'm having all types of tests and they've already found a few things wrong. I would give anything to be a 'normal' weight. I've was once at 220lbs and then just melted away. I think it is just as bad if not worse being drastically underweight as being overweight. - 10/14/2009   8:55:04 AM
  • 170
    Nicole, it looks like we have something in common (besides a first name!)

    I feel like I could have written this article myself. I have always been active and healthy, never overweight but never stick thin either. Until my wedding.

    I began obsessing, but never thought it to be "unhealthy." Like you, I worked out constantly and counted calories but was easily meeting all of my nutrient and vitamin requirements for the day. Not being able to track aerorbics classes drove me crazy, so I didn't count them in my exercise tracker and would take 2-3/day on top of burning almost 600 calories/day on a treadmill.

    I looked great. I had new clothes, went from 125 lbs. to105 and my wedding dress was altered from an 8 to a 0. My wedding pictures are fantastic but I gained every single pound I lost and then some within a month of the wedding.

    It's frustrating but I've realized that unless I completely obsess again, I will never be that size. It has been, and continues to be, a tough battle but I am learning to be content knowing that I am eating healthy and exercising....and still enjoying the occasional cookie :)
    - 10/13/2009   5:14:23 PM
  • 169
    I feel like i was the one who wrote this! almost exactly the same! i'd love to write more but i have to run to class. bummer - 10/13/2009   4:01:30 PM
  • LIFEISAJOURNEY
    168
    Good advice, well said. Thank you. - 10/13/2009   2:42:54 PM
  • 167
    I had a pretty similar experience. After someone commenting I could lose 10 lbs sometime ago (not okay in my book!). I started on a WW program at my gym at work. It started out great, losing 1-2 pounds a week, working out often, eating carefully. But my hook was not only the comments people made (like wow you look great, skinny, etc). It was the ability to get smaller and small clothes. Soon I had lost 15 pounds.
    And this past weekend I was cleaning out my closet finding the size 2 jeans I had been able to buy and wear. My body is not a size 2! I remember looking in the mirror and my cheeks looked sunken in. So I flip floped (partly out of being lazy) and gain weight slowly back. Now I am happy in my size 6/8 world and know that losing a few pounds would me nice, but I will do it through regualr exercise and portion control (not restricting lots of calories). Instead I am going to really work on getting a longer and leaner shape (not lighter) and toned up through running and weights. - 10/13/2009   2:05:29 PM
  • 166
    this article brought bake many all too familar memories for me. even though you say you weren't at an anorexic weight or looked unhealthy, I'd say you definitely had some sort of eating disorder. Being an anorexic myself who just got out of 3 months of treatment, I can easily read between the lines here. thank god you were able to see for yourself that what you were doing was incredibly unhealthy and you were able to deal with the underlying issues and get better. that is amazing! im still struggling a lot with my ED, but at least I have been able to cut down on the gym a lot. though reading this article was hard to read and was a bit triggering for me, it also gave me some hope that maybe one day, like you, I will be able to see how much damage I am causing my body and I that I will be able to take control again to become a happy and healthy person. - 10/13/2009   12:30:51 PM
  • 165
    There is simply wanting to be thin for thin's sake
    vs. needing to lose weight rapidly for the sake of saving your life.
    There is the over exhuberance of youth
    and the reality of one's mortality in middle age - 10/13/2009   10:39:02 AM
  • GMAGEE
    164
    Thanks for this article. It was a reminder to me of how hard I had worked to get myself thin and in shape back in my twenties - and of how quickly my body settled into a 'more comfortable' weight once I stopped exercising obsessively. I would still like to be thinner than I am now because I am not as comfortable with my body's 'comfortable' - but I can identify with your recounting your experience. - 10/13/2009   9:59:08 AM
  • 163
    I am going to have my daughter read this her friends are quite a bit shorter than her she is only 12 years old and already 5'9" So she thinks 130 is fat because her friends only wiegh 110 or 95 - 10/12/2009   9:33:14 PM
  • 162
    Interesting Nicole! I am struggling with this myself. I don't necessarily feel like I am too thin. But I have family members who say I am. Some tell me I don't look good. My friend (who is also my doctor) says that people are not used to seeing me at this weight. They are used to me being 200lbs. Even though I took 18 months to lose the 70-75 lbs they still seem to remember me at the heaviest. I still (and probably always will) carry weight in my lower abdomen and I have accepted that, but if I try to lose more (like Pattysh) my face and neck show it. So I have settled into a range that I feel comfortable with and as long as I feel healthy then my family will just have to get used to the way I look. It is about feeling healthy....not looking skinny.
    Anne - 10/12/2009   7:55:22 PM
  • 161
    When I was down to my lowest weight in my adult life, I felt huge and ugly and unloved because of it. That was over 30 years ago and I am almost
    twice that weight now.
    Ironically, I am married to a loving man who has
    watched my weight go up and down but mostly up, and he sticks with me
    and encourages me to keep trying. He thinks I'm worth it.
    In SPITE of the fact that I am FAT. REALLY. Sure he would like me to be
    down to a normal weight for me because I would feel better and be happier
    with myself. But my point in this is.....I am loved. FAT and all.
    So, maybe I could love myself....just a little....just the way I am....?
    Man, if I knew then what I know now, I would kick myself in the butt and say "GET OVER IT!!!"
    Seriously, I've sat here reading all these stories and the tears began to roll down my face because I did all that. When I was beautiful, I thought I was ugly. But that thinking has robbed me of so much joy. What kind of way is that for us to think?????? What kind of way is that for us to live????
    WHO decides what is beautiful? WHO decides what is good? I'll tell you.
    I DO......I decide that for me.
    When I was a child I thought as a child....but I am an adult now, and there is
    no one who can stand up to my face and make me feel bad about who and what I am if I don't let them.

    I have to live in my own skin.
    I have accepted ownership of my life and if it isn't what I want, THEN I CAN CHANGE IT.
    We all have to decide what our Happy Weight is. Don't give that power to
    someone else.
    If looking at magazines of half-clad people makes you feel unhappy---when
    you fit into your own clothes just fine and function well in your life--then burn the blasted magazine! Otherwise, you are allowing your mind to be invaded by perfect strangers who could care less about you.
    We need to wake up while we have the years and the strength to build a
    beautiful life!
    You are the one who makes your rules.
    You walk in your own shoes.

    - 10/12/2009   5:47:55 PM
  • 160
    My goal is to get down to 160, the way I look at it ( I hate the BMI chart to be honest ) I felt good at 160 when I was in my 20's, and I will just work down to that and if I find that I am happy with me at a higher weight then I will stay there and see how it goes, if I lose after that then I guess it was meant to be...... - 10/12/2009   3:40:04 PM
  • 159
    You know, I just don't think those Barbie doll celebrities actually look that good. They don't look healthy and they don't look feminine. I've watched several actresses in recent years whom I've thought were lovely and whose bodies I would have liked to have. Most, if not all, of them have since gone on to lose their womanly shapes in the pursuit of...well, I don't know what since I can't imagine wanting to look like that.

    Nicole, you are a lovely woman and I'm glad you found your happy weight. - 10/12/2009   2:30:52 PM
  • 158
    Nicole - thanks for an awesome blog. I like the "happy weight" term and I'm going to use that. Thanks for reminding us that the chart is a CHART not an exact number for a reason. - 10/12/2009   1:40:10 PM
  • 157
    In high school, I was about 160 pounds. I wore a size 14, and thought I was really fat. After binge-eating and yo-yo dieting, my heaviest weight was over 400 pounds. I had gastric bypass in November 2007, and have subsequently found myself back at 163 pounds (size 10, thanks to the "new" sizing from the garment industry). At 5'6", I'm still "overweight" according to the BMI scale, but I believe 158 is my "happy weight." In order to be "normal" on the BMI scale, I have to be under 155 pounds. I have a hard time keeping my weight under 160, so I figure since I'm not THAT far off the mark, andmy body is happy where it is, that's about as good as I'm gonna get. Weighing 163 is wayyyyy better than weighing 400! And I DO feel thin!!

    Nicole, as always, you have shared your story and really touched a lot of people on this blog. Thanks so much! - 10/12/2009   1:37:24 PM
  • 156
    Look at the journey you have been on and where it has taken you. You've always been beautiful and through your experiences, you are able to help others too. The journey always takes us right to the place we are supposed to be. : ) - 10/12/2009   1:12:59 PM
  • 155
    This was a very good article. I myself struggle everyday with trying to maintain a smaller size, because I believe skinny & happiness are one in the same. I firmly believe my life would be better if I could just get a tad smaller, I believe true happiness comes only for those that are skinny and so I am left everyday struggling with trying to reach a weight I can't obtain! - 10/12/2009   10:29:03 AM
  • 154
    I think life would be better if we would encourage people to stop sitting in front of the TV or video games and get up, move around, play outdoors, get involved in sports and eat healthy foods. We are creating a lazy society that inhales fattening foods and no longer participates in healthy ACTIVITIES. - 10/12/2009   9:27:48 AM
  • 153
    Good article! The weight that may be easy to maintain and attractive for one person may be totally wrong for the next person.... and only you know how you look and feel best, and how much effort it's worth. Finding that balance point is a long process, but worth it... - 10/11/2009   8:21:31 PM
  • ARIANORCHID
    152
    Thanks for sharing this great article. It just goes to show that we have to learn to be comfortable in our own skins. - 10/11/2009   8:07:06 PM
  • 151
    Nicole,

    Thanks for sharing your story.
    We are a culture obsessed with stick figure celebrities all while our waist circumference growing. Finding a balance is crucial for ourselves and our children. - 10/11/2009   7:53:25 PM
  • 150
    I have to ask what do you consider "thin"? I find it difficult to understand why everyone is so happy with everyone looking "normal". Which given recent news seems to be a preferance for commercials, models & magazines with people that are over-weight. Just because theres an over-abondance of over-weight people doesn't make it normal. Don't get me wrong. I don't think everyone should look like Kate Moss! - 10/11/2009   6:54:42 PM
  • CATSRULE3
    149
    I don't like being overweight, but I am glad I wasn't thin because I've learned compassion for others. I don't believe I would have learned that being thin. My experiences made me the way I am inside and I'm thankful for that. I havn't found the right weight yet, but I am on the right road. - 10/11/2009   4:51:02 PM
  • 148
    I thought this was a great article. I don't think thin people are happier than other people. People who love and accept themselves are the happiest. I think you have to have the love first before you can make healthy choices. The good news is, once you change that voice in your head to a nice, accepting one, you have less patience for the bitchy one. - 10/11/2009   3:57:15 PM
  • 147
    Thank you for sharing such a personal story. I am 5'2" and 138 lbs. My goal weight is 125 but I am not sure it is my realistic weight. I was 125 lbs in college, but I was not working out and had no muscles. After reading your story, I will make my goal to be 130 then determine at that point if 125 will be realistic. I hope to be strong, healthy, but still be able to eat without feeling starved. Thank you once again. - 10/11/2009   3:11:05 PM
  • WELSCH
    146
    i agree what weight is right for some is not always the best have had to watch my weight always have heart and health issues for so many generations - 10/11/2009   2:08:47 PM
  • 145
    Thank you for sharing...

    Glenda - 10/11/2009   1:15:29 PM
  • 144
    Having been overweight all my life (since birth, really), I have yet to discover my "happy weight". I have been asked what weight I'm aiming for, but I don't have a magic number in mind. Instead, I'm going to carry on doing what I'm doing, eating 1500-2000 calories a day, and see where it takes me. I know that I wouldn't be happy on 1200 calories a day, so I won't even attempt that. If I get to a point where I can't lose any more weight then I'll know I've reached my "happy weight" and, hopefully, be satisfied with that. I'm here to get fit and healthy, not be a size zero. - 10/11/2009   12:51:36 PM
  • 143
    Wow Nicole! That's all I can say--and, God bless you for sharing. - 10/11/2009   11:45:33 AM
  • MISSKRISMAE
    142
    Thank you so much for sharing your story! I can totally relate. I think I have found my happy weight now, but it took me so long to find it. In high school, I always felt a little fat compared to my stick-thin friends, and it didn't help that I had a short and curvy body. I always got frustrated when I went shopping because I felt nobody ever made clothes designed for my body (short in height but bigger in width), while my skinny friends looked good in everything they tried on. In college, I became obsessed with looking good, and I completely changed my eating and exercise habits. Looking back at old college pictures, I had a wonderfully toned body on the outside, but back then I couldn't see that. All I could see in the mirror were the imperfect areas of my body that needed more work on. Today, I am at a good weight and practicing life-long, healthy habits. I'm not ready to wear a bikini just yet, but I am happy and in control of my health. Getting compliments about how I look is just a bonus. I realize now that being thin on the outside didn't change the unhappiness I felt on the inside. There's more to life than that. - 10/11/2009   11:18:00 AM
  • 141
    What a great great article I really enjoyed it and find that you are a brave and better woman for sharing. For there might be someone out there that might be in the same boat and can now row the boat instead of sinking the boat thanks too you sharing this. Thanks again - 10/11/2009   8:52:36 AM
  • 140
    Thanks for being vulnerable enought to share that with us! Its nice to hear anothers struggle while we are facing our own. You're insiprational to say the least.

    Again, Thank You!
    Stephanie - 10/11/2009   2:41:40 AM
  • NIKILB
    139
    Nicole, I wish that you had been around many years ago. At almost 47 years old, I am only just now beginning to allow myself to find my happy weight. For most of my life, and moreso as I entered my 40's and my metabolism slowed, I have eaten 1000 cals or less a day, as well as work out regularly. But, like you, I may appear thin to others, but not alarmingly so. Dr's have said that I am the healthiest looking 40 something that they have ever seen; however, I have spent the past 15 years aching horribly, and am progressively getting less and less energy and stamina. Finally, I have slowly begun to add calories, and also weight. With just 5 extra pounds on me, I feel obese, but am trying to not let that make me go back to starving again. In struggling to look like the stick thin models most of my life, and that is definitely not my natural body type, I have gone from being a high energy, robust person to one who only has about 4 hours a day in me for any type of activity before giving out. I truly appreciate your candid honesty in your blogs. You are a wonderful role model for this generation of girls, and also to me, a grandmother to be. I realized that my coming grandbaby isn't going to stop it's activities after 4 or so hours because grandma has run out of gas! Thanks to SP also, now I track my food, not to make sure that I haven't exceeded 1000 cal's, but now to make sure that I have had over my minimum calories as well as the right amounts of carbs, protein and fats every day. This website makes it so easy! Keep up the wonderful work! - 10/11/2009   12:34:50 AM
  • CYNNANE
    138
    Yes I do think I would feel better, because I would feel more comfortable. I judge people's perceptions of me as being colored by my weight (whether it is justified or not). - 10/11/2009   12:10:55 AM
  • 137
    Thanks Coach Nicole - This is where I am. I've been at this weight range for a year and still feel like I haven't really succeeded because I didn't hit my goal - which is the top of the BMI range for me. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm much healthier now than I was 100 pounds ago. Thanks for reinforcing what I should know and do on one level - just not all the levels of understanding.
    Meeting you at the convention was one of the highlights!
    Thanks again Coach!
    Frances - 10/10/2009   11:05:00 PM
  • 136
    Oh My God.
    I read this (and the articles linked to therein) and I realized something...
    I'm going through this right now.
    I'm 5 feet tall, 110 pounds with a 27 inch waist and am a size 2. I think I'm disgusting despite these technically-"enviable" stats. I'm constantly afraid I'm fat. I constantly Binge and "purge" by way of over exercising and restricting my diet too much... I was afraid I had a problem, and now i know for sure that I do. God Bless You for sharing this. I'm an atheist, and I'm saying God Bless You..that's how much of a wake up call this was to me.
    JuJu - 10/10/2009   9:43:24 PM
  • 135
    belong to a TOPS group and have been trying to get them to realize realitic goals rather than what they have set for themselves all are senior citizens and trying to attain wedding day weight it just will not happen and at sometime your body just says this is the weight I want you to be and it may not be ideal but we need to listen and then strive for a realistic weight - 10/10/2009   9:24:38 PM
  • 134
    Basketballems, this is for you and for everyone else. I have always been a bit bigger than other women (girls). I am not as tall as you but I have larger bones (really). When I was in high school I got tired of being bigger than all the other girls so I started exercising and stopped eating. I would keep busy with cleaning when I wasn't exercising and studying. I managed to lose a lot of weight and to lose my appetite. My mom was concerned about me because she knew I was not eating much. I was very happy that I had finally gotten to a size that so many other girls were. One day I woke up to the reality of what I was doing to myself. I had eaten one saltine cracker and one small piece of sausage and that was my food for the day. I had been hiding the fact that I had not been eating hardly anything for many weeks and I finally realized that if I could go all day with that little bit of food that I was in trouble. I started to eat better after that. But that image of what I looked like was hard to give up. It took many years to get over wanting to be that thin again. Maybe I still have a problem with that. But that was NOT a healthy time in my life and it did not help me one bit. I hope no one ever has to feel like they should try to be someone they are not. My body was not meant to be a size 4. Not since 6th grade. I did like being thin, even though it was too thin, but if I had stayed on that path I would have had major health problems and most likely would not ever had any kids (I have 6 great kids). I am over weight now but I am happy most of the time and being thin does not necessary mean being perfect or happy. I know these things can be hard to get past though. Hang in there and think about the big picture, which is health over thinness. - 10/10/2009   9:15:54 PM
  • BJPETER
    133
    I don't think a person's weight determines how one feels, It's how the person feels about themself. The whole picture, why your overwieight, why your unhappy
    why why why, when you find out then your able to do something about it. - 10/10/2009   8:35:18 PM
  • 132
    BASKETBALLEMS, your story of what you are going thru right now, so many of us have been thru. I wish I could give you more words of encouragement, but I know how hard it is to be where you are right now. Remember that without your health, you have NOTHING. It's better to be 10 pounds overweight than 10 pounds below weight. I am about to turn 31 and am just finally NOW learning to stop dieting. For people like us, who put too much importance on our weight, realize that dieting is NOT ok for us. You may feel sometimes that you are gaining weight, and maybe we are prone to it, but the more we try to "control" our bodies, the more out of control we become. Please seek counseling as soon as possible to understand why you are doing what you are doing...what thoughts are making you feel less than ok if you aren't stick thin....adress the guilt and shame that go along with the binging and dieting. If you are in college, I hope there is a school counselor you can go to or if you are on your parents insurance a psychiatritrist or psychologist. Please feel free to private message me if you need to. Don't waste another 10-15 years of your life on this unhealthy rollarcoaster. - 10/10/2009   8:00:42 PM
  • JAY75REY
    131
    wonderful story and lesson learned. "Obsession" with weight and appearance isn't healthy. My daughter battles bulimia and has similar issues but never has resolved them, so Coach Nicole, I'm so happy that you have made peace with yourself. And I love your outlook on life: "Looking ahead, I see a life that is filled with meaning, memories and the occasional slice of chocolate cake." At age 53 I also share this view. You are wise beyond your years. To life!

    My happy weight is around 135, also near the top of my range. But I have large bone structure and really, this is an ok weight for me. Don't have to be skinny to look good. - 10/10/2009   5:24:30 PM
  • 130
    Great blog! I agree with you completely about the weight that your body knows is best. I think that is where I am right now. When I first joined SP and decided to loose a little weight. I was going to get back to the 115, I was 30 years ago. I made my goal. But, I realized that my face was too thin. I am now stable at around 120 or so---and I think that is where I am meant to be also. Its fun to hear those accolades, "you've lost weight!" but it is more important to feel good and enjoy life at the same time.

    Thanks, Nicole for a great blog! - 10/10/2009   4:37:13 PM
  • 129
    Congrats, Coach Nicole, for finding yourself. And thanks for sharing. You Rock! - 10/10/2009   4:21:51 PM
  • 128
    I have been overweight for so long that it is hard to remember what it felt like to be thin. Still, yes, I do think my life would be (will be!) better once I am thin. I felt very comfortable 125 - 130. I was a size 9. I really didn't think about food much, just ate what I wanted when I was hungry. I didn't really exercise though in college I did run and I worked full time besides being a full-time student. Now I weigh 241 and I think about food, weight, being fat, looking awful much of the time. Weight loss and all its various trappings consume too much of my time. I'm either "Sparking" or I'm reading about, talking about, or thinking about my weight, weight loss, exercise, carbs, etc. I want to be that young woman again who didn't give such things a second thought. - 10/10/2009   4:20:32 PM

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