The Popularity Contest: Why You Don't Need to Finish First
Disclaimer: Psychological research is largely based on averages for groups of people. We prove practically nothing in psychology! It is too difficult--people are too complicated! When dealing with the human mind, one size does not fit all.
Think back to your grade school and high school years. Think about the kids you went to school with. Who was popular? How would you describe those kids? Who did you like the most among your peers? Why did you like them?
Research on popularity is now being understood with a new lens. For decades, it went like this: Researchers would ask kids who they liked and disliked, and would then add up the number of likes and dislikes for each child. Based on the votes, kids were categorized as popular, average, controversial, rejected or neglected. Those kids who received the most ''like'' votes (and rarely received dislike votes) were classified as ''popular.''
Recently, researchers have been paying attention to children’s comments a little bit more and have started to debate whether being liked is the same as being popular. The answer: Being liked by many peers is not the same as being considered popular by peers. Popularity is based more on reputation than on the degree to which one is liked.
The (mostly) bright side: Popular kids tend to be competent both athletically and academically, and are often physically attractive. They also show lots of prosocial behaviors and have good senses of humor. The dark side: Kids who are popular tend to be socially dominant. Popularity often involves aggressive physical and psychological/social behavior. For some kids, the more relationally aggressive they are (spreading rumors, threatening not to be somebody’s friend), the more likely they are to maintain their powerful ''popular'' status. And, unfortunately, when being mean to others pays off, it becomes a reinforcing cycle.
So, popularity as a measure of status or reputation feeds itself—and it starts early. I recently had a girls’ day with my friend’s 8-year-old daughter. She knew the word ''popular'' and could name popular and unpopular kids. She could also describe the battles and negotiations between girls on the playground. Based on my extensive time in the classroom with these kids over the past few years, she was right on. The scary thing is that recognition of (and the power of) popularity only intensifies with increasing age.
When your child begins to recognize the power of popularity, it is important to instill in them the meaning and value of healthy relationships. When I visit schools and talk to kids (particularly girls), I leave them with several messages:
As parents, we need to do our part. Here's how:
The good news is that you are reading about parenting, so you must be invested in your child’s well-being. The bottom line: Encourage good behavior from your children and behave well yourself! And think about your own run-ins with popularity. What were those popular kids like when you went to school? What adjectives would you use to describe the ''popular'' kids? Think of how you can use your experiences to help your kids get through their own social rough patches.
Do you have kids who are overly concerned about being popular, or are doing what others think they should do? How can you change your child's perception of popularity?
Michelle Stroffolino Schmidt is Chairperson of the Department of Psychology at Moravian College in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Her research focuses on social and emotional development in childhood and adolescence. She has published research on parent-child attachment, friendship, peer relations, bullying, and mentoring. She has also done consulting work with schools as part of their bullying prevention and intervention programs. Michelle recently published the book Friendships in Childhood and Adolescence (Guilford Press), which explores the significance of friendship from toddlerhood through adolescence. The book examines factors that contribute to positive friendships, how positive friendships influence children’s lives, and interventions for those who have friendship difficulties. Michelle is the mother of a 7-year-old son, William, and a 2-year-old bulldog named Eve. She enjoys yoga, kayaking, writing, and cooking.
Think back to your grade school and high school years. Think about the kids you went to school with. Who was popular? How would you describe those kids? Who did you like the most among your peers? Why did you like them?
Research on popularity is now being understood with a new lens. For decades, it went like this: Researchers would ask kids who they liked and disliked, and would then add up the number of likes and dislikes for each child. Based on the votes, kids were categorized as popular, average, controversial, rejected or neglected. Those kids who received the most ''like'' votes (and rarely received dislike votes) were classified as ''popular.''
Recently, researchers have been paying attention to children’s comments a little bit more and have started to debate whether being liked is the same as being popular. The answer: Being liked by many peers is not the same as being considered popular by peers. Popularity is based more on reputation than on the degree to which one is liked.
The (mostly) bright side: Popular kids tend to be competent both athletically and academically, and are often physically attractive. They also show lots of prosocial behaviors and have good senses of humor. The dark side: Kids who are popular tend to be socially dominant. Popularity often involves aggressive physical and psychological/social behavior. For some kids, the more relationally aggressive they are (spreading rumors, threatening not to be somebody’s friend), the more likely they are to maintain their powerful ''popular'' status. And, unfortunately, when being mean to others pays off, it becomes a reinforcing cycle.
So, popularity as a measure of status or reputation feeds itself—and it starts early. I recently had a girls’ day with my friend’s 8-year-old daughter. She knew the word ''popular'' and could name popular and unpopular kids. She could also describe the battles and negotiations between girls on the playground. Based on my extensive time in the classroom with these kids over the past few years, she was right on. The scary thing is that recognition of (and the power of) popularity only intensifies with increasing age.
When your child begins to recognize the power of popularity, it is important to instill in them the meaning and value of healthy relationships. When I visit schools and talk to kids (particularly girls), I leave them with several messages:
- You should not define yourself by the number of friends you have. It is the quality of your friendships, or how your friends make you feel, that matters.
- Friendships are optional. You do not have to be friends with certain people for the wrong reasons, such as their popularity.
- Learn to be comfortable with competition, jealousy and anger because they are part of life…but don’t lash out at others because of them.
- Relationship conflict is perfectly normal. It is what you do with it and how you resolve it that matters.
- Do not let other kids treat you badly because you think it is too risky to say you won’t take it.
As parents, we need to do our part. Here's how:
- Teach your kids how to effectively resolve conflict either by actively discussing the topic, reading books together that deal with conflict and successful resolution, or modeling good resolution skills within your own relationships.
- Discourage your children from spreading rumors and speaking badly about other people. Have a ''no rumors'' rule in your home and stick to it—both adults and children.
- Avoid glorifying popularity.
- Help your kids to be comfortable in their own skin from an early age (while, of course, maintaining a healthy lifestyle). Allow them to create their own identities. Remember that too much focus on outward characteristics (appearance, dieting) over valuable internal characteristics (positive self-worth, practicing kindness and empathy) can lead to later problems (depression, anxiety and eating disorders).
The good news is that you are reading about parenting, so you must be invested in your child’s well-being. The bottom line: Encourage good behavior from your children and behave well yourself! And think about your own run-ins with popularity. What were those popular kids like when you went to school? What adjectives would you use to describe the ''popular'' kids? Think of how you can use your experiences to help your kids get through their own social rough patches.
Do you have kids who are overly concerned about being popular, or are doing what others think they should do? How can you change your child's perception of popularity?
Michelle Stroffolino Schmidt is Chairperson of the Department of Psychology at Moravian College in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Her research focuses on social and emotional development in childhood and adolescence. She has published research on parent-child attachment, friendship, peer relations, bullying, and mentoring. She has also done consulting work with schools as part of their bullying prevention and intervention programs. Michelle recently published the book Friendships in Childhood and Adolescence (Guilford Press), which explores the significance of friendship from toddlerhood through adolescence. The book examines factors that contribute to positive friendships, how positive friendships influence children’s lives, and interventions for those who have friendship difficulties. Michelle is the mother of a 7-year-old son, William, and a 2-year-old bulldog named Eve. She enjoys yoga, kayaking, writing, and cooking.
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Comments
Those things that are so important when we are children - and they really meant nothing at all.
Also it amazes me how many adults still carry those scars and resentments. - 7/18/2012 3:33:06 PM
As a consequence, I attended 13 schools prior to graduating from high school, and spent my final three years at the same school.
Every year, I was the "new kid" and almost always it was in some portion of the school year. In the early years, the girls would not care for me because I ws very intelligent and always scored at or near the top - even in later years when I was in advanced or college prep courses.
As I got farther along in school, the girls mostly ignored me and the guys would always challenge me to find where I would fit in the macho pecking order. After the first year of trying to avoid fights and confrontations when I went to a new school, I deliberately looked for the bully and went directly at him. I had found out bullies were mostly cowards and if one fought back or challenged him, he would leave you alone and the other guys tolerated me being among the group at the top of the macho order. I never took advantage of my "place".
As a result of all of the moving, I never really became "socialized".
I wasn't bad looking (I was told this by female friends who, if I asked them out, told me, "You're such a nice guy, but I don't think of you like a "boyfriend". Can't we just be friends?" I played football and lettered and I ran track in the spring (I didn't have the weight problem I now battle).
Not having parents who had "money"or social position, I didn't fit in with the "Social Crowd". I was on the perimeter of the "Jock squad, but because I also took challenging classes and was in class with the nerds, I didn't quite fit anywhere.
Popular? Never. Liked? Somewhat, with reservations.
How did it affect me as an adult?
I went to a couple of years of college and was then drafted. I was chosen to go to OCS (Officers Candidate School) and graduated as a 2LT. I was an aggressive, hard charging officer - made 1LT in a year and CPT in a year. With my military reputation established, I started to become socialized (I guess I was in a position somewhat like being a "jock", and that attracted young women).
I married at 26 (41 years and still just one wife) and I have two sons. My oldest is like I used to be, and my youngest never saw a person he didn't like. When he was about five and had just moved to a different state for a promotion, the first time we went to the new grocery store, he started chatting up the grocery clerk. By the time we were checked out, he knew her name, the fact she was married, the names of her two children, their ages and their dogs name and breed.
While not being part of the "Social crowd" in school, he was liked and popular with them, and popular with all the kids in school because he was always friendly, listened to them individually and treated them all as His friends.
I believe that there are as many reasons for kids (and adults) to be liked as there are people in a whole community.
- 7/15/2012 2:51:42 PM
Sad to see, even through the years to my class's 40th reunion, the seating was still the same. However, by now, there have been an unproportional numbers of deaths at tables 1 and 2, including several suicides. Most everyone at tables 3 and 4 are highly successful, with a satisfying number of millionaires!!!
I think that shows what we all know in our hearts, that hard work, persistance, and fair play will give us the best life. - 7/15/2012 12:54:58 PM
Maybe as interesting is how this applies to 'grownups'. The socially aggressive kids can grow up to be socially aggressive adults! I've seen 'bullying' or socially exclusionary behavior in the workplace, in communities, in Moms groups etc and they appear to be very similar to the dynamics of kids!
Good topic :-)
- 7/13/2012 4:48:49 PM
I have learned to accept the likers and treat them with kindness weather I like them back or not. - 7/13/2012 1:51:39 PM
I would always enter at table four because I could, and shoot for getting to know the kids in table two, who were still nice, but it took a bit of time. I made it a point to stay friends with everyone because I knew what it was like to be that new kid.
It would be great if all kids got the kind of perspective put forth in this blog. Turns out high school is not the end-all, be-all! It's not a good thing to peak while you're there. - 7/13/2012 12:05:38 PM
Our oldest son was always outgoing and friendly. You would have thought he was popular in high school. Everyone knew him and liked him, but he was one of the loneliest popular kids ever. - 7/13/2012 10:45:46 AM
My kids grew up with better a better relationship with themselves than I did, but like most parents I made mistakes :( - 7/13/2012 8:38:20 AM
- 7/12/2012 5:13:09 PM
I never gave a hoot about popularity in school - I liked who I liked and spent my time with them, regardless of their social status. Some were jocks/cheerleaders, some were brains, some were stoners, and some were special ed. Didn't matter. The quality of the person mattered.
Lucky for me, without any particular effort, my kids followed a similar track - finding quality in friends rather than seeking popularity.
- 7/12/2012 3:56:02 PM
Good article for kids and adults alike. - 7/12/2012 3:38:23 PM
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