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By Beth Donovan (~INDYGIRL)
The stigma of being overweight or of “Being a fatty” is growing globally, according to a recent blog post in the New York Times. Whereas once, a heavier weight represented wealth and the ability to have healthy children, it now represents laziness and sloth to many. Parents were quoted as saying they would rather have their children be anorexic than overweight. To me, an eating disorder is an eating disorder. Why is one where you don't eat more socially acceptable than one where you do? I do have a theory. It is still socially acceptable to make fun of a heavy person, but make fun of someone’s gender or skin color and there would be fallout. Why? "Fatty" chose to be that way, right? Wrong. There are so many reasons people are heavy, but generally “I want to be fat” is not one of them. Genetics can play a part, and so can biology, psychology, environment, and just plain old lack of exercise and proper diet. It is never just a simple fix or a choice to just “be thin.” While many are not “born heavy,” I believe the sentiments in the following song apply to everyone, big or small. To quote Lady Gaga: ““There's nothin wrong with lovin who you are" She said, "'cause He made you perfect, babe" "So hold your head up girl and you'll go far, Listen to me when I say" I'm beautiful in my way 'Cause God makes no mistakes I'm on the right track baby I was born this way Don't hide yourself in regret Just love yourself and you're set I'm on the right track baby I was born this way.” Heavy people are not weak; many diet practically every day of their lives. They may fall off the wagon every day, but they still get back up. They get teased in public by strangers, berated by loved ones in private, have foods pushed on them and then get a talking-to about being on a diet. They get passed up for jobs and promotions, as proven in many research studies. They are not weak. They take a lot and keep going every single day. Pain is also a side effect of being heavy. This is just another reason most people do not want to be heavy and struggle against it. It’s also a reason the general populous considers heavier people to be lazy. It isn’t that they are lazy, it takes more energy to move a bigger body and when pain is involved, it takes more fortitude than anyone without that extra weight, pain, or lack of energy can imagine. This makes it even harder to lose weight. I’m not trying to make excuses here, I’m trying to give you a glimpse from the other side. WHY would someone choose to be fat? Some people do choose to be overweight. It is a choice and one with some very dire consequences. Just the same, there should be no stigma attached. I’m not going to attempt to explain the lifestyle of some who choose to become as big as they possibly can and have people who enable them purposefully with the same goal. Just know this lifestyle does exist. It is not a healthy choice, but it is a choice--one with a short life span and many health complications. Life is hard enough without finding different segments of people to belittle. Here are 5 tips to combat thoughtlessness:
With the global spread of the dislike of the overweight, there is more pressure than ever to lose weight and be healthy. Change can come from pressure, but most often it will come from that place deep inside of you that just gives in. When you hit rock bottom and start to realize you have to take those baby steps and work on the things you can do for the rest of your life. If you have read this, you realize by now that by being overweight in the first place, you are stronger. You have dealt with diets, exercise programs, teasing, bias, and you are still here. Take that strength and run with it! How do you fight fat stigma?  You will earn 5 SparkPoints
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Thank you for this common-sense, heart-felt blog. Report
Everything else has to be so politically correct but it’s open season on obese people. ?? Report
Maybe some folks "made poor choices." Much more likely that addiction, abuse, past violence or trauma is at the root of weight issues (to say nothing about physiological causes, ethnic heritage, inherited genes.)
Ultimately, we can never know the Report
Mamur Mustapha
I read a lot of this in many of these comments it makes me sad. Report
I think obesity is an acceptable prejudice in society because unlike, race, gender, and skin color, obesity is a CHOICE. Yes, it is a choice. I chose to be fat. I have been fat for about 20 years now, and obese for at least the last ten. I could have done something about it when I was 20 pounds overweight. I chose not to. I knew I was overweight and was unhappy about it then. I chose to do nothing. Two years ago my annual physical didn't go so well. The doctor told me I was pre-hypertension, pre-diabetic, and my cholesterol was through the roof. He didn't want to put me on medication at the time. He told me to lose some weight and come back in six months to see how my levels were. I chose to "fire" my doctor and have not been back for a physical since. I also chose to not lose weight, but instead gain another 20 pounds. I don't want to be fat, never did. I just made poor choices and rationalized them along the way. People often tend to play victim. It makes them fell better. Why? Because when you are a victim, it takes the burden of responsibility off of you. Being a victim implies that someone or something is responsible for your condition and not you, and since that someone or something is out of your control, you are powerless to change your situation. Being a victim makes it very easy to justify doing nothing to change your situation. I have read that more than 95% of people who are overweight and try to lose weight will fail, and out of those who lose all the weight, the overwhelming majority will have not kpet it off for more than five years. At my heaviest, I was 90 pounds overweight. I knew I was fat, I knew it was wrong, I knew it was unhealthy, and I knew I was unhappy, but yet I told myself why bother when I am so far overweight and the only reward for suffering through deprivation is 99% chance of failure anyway. So I kept on eating and slowly killing myself as my depression worsened. Much like an alcoholic, I had to hit rock bottom before I decided I needed to do something different. But this was all my choice, it was all my doing. I'm done making excuses for myself. I am done hating myself. I am done giving others power over me. I am done giving food power over me. I want to be a winner not a whiner. Report
It actually has nothing to do with appearance...it's the result of having some bad experiences over the years with people who have eating disorders.
Here is my experience...
In the workplace, I've worked with several Anorexics who have been overworkers, focussed on unecessary details and quite poor at inter-personal relationships. They stick to themselves and are emotionally distant.
Very obese people I've worked with took a lot of time off work, were ill-suited to anything but desk based work (they got winded and very tired when asked to present, walk around etc...) and found it really hard to be empathetic towards others.
In my personal life, I've had some awful experiences with obese people - very aggressive, defensive, disorganised and unwilling to accept other people's opinions.
My view now?
Anoerexics blame themselves for their problems.
Obese people blame everyone else for their problems.
These are just my observations and experiences over the years; you don't have to agree...
It will take a miracle to change my mind on this... Report
The point of the article is: don't treat others differently because they are overweight. That's all. Simple point.
We are supposed to be spreading the Spark. So, let's spread it by showing that we view everyone as a good person instead of defining them by their size. Report
Beth, sounds like you're feeling pain because you're needing understanding and acceptance? Addiction is baffllng to those who don't share that particular hell. When I was actively alcoholic the "normies" in my life could not understand why I couldn't just "sip" or give it up. In my experience, there is no choice in active addiction. I know those hopeless "born that way" feelings. What's important, I believe, is not that other people understand our situation but that WE do. We can't control whether others love and support us but we can start loving and accepting ourselves.
That said, there ARE solutions available to overweight. (Improvement can happen even with tough medical conditions. I have juvenile diabetes and gained quite a bit of weight treating insulin reactions. Weight loss is more difficutl with this condition but it can be done.) In that way it's a different situation than race, sexual identity, ethnicity and other prejudices as some have pointed out.
I was a course marshall at the 2011 Seattle Marathon last month. There were several BIG women RUNNING the marathon. They were stronger athletes than I, for sure. I'm betting they didn't start there. I also bet they are the targets of all kinds of negative assumptions in checkout lines. I hope they don't care because they know they are athletes and that they won't let anyone else's opinion stop them.
Bless you on your path to Light and Love. Report
I'll say the same thing that I say to myself. It's actually from a Nike ad, but it rings extremely true. "Someone with less time than you is out for a run right now".
I know it doesn't exactly fit with the blog theme, but it's something to think about. Also, I agree. I was born at 5.8lbs and screaming. I was not born the way I am now. Years of bad choices and then a decision to start making good ones made me this way. I take ownership of my situation because I'm the only one that can. Report
My husband is severely underweight. We make a very odd looking couple; him short and skinny-skinny and me tall and morbidly obese. He was telling me one day that he'd love to have me come visit his office because he has two colleagues (lawyers!) who are constantly complaining about fat people and making fun of them and he just sits there listening and thinking how embarrassed they would be if they realized they were essentially insulting his wife.
They complain about a fat person who took too long bending down to get his neck lanyard ID to the contact to open the door. (What about a tall person? Why is this a fat problem?) They complained about a fat person who asked them to move their bag from the metro seat -- all fatties are so entitled! They try to avoid walking near fat people or having to talk to them -- they are so self-absorbed and usually stupid. My husband refused to repeat the insults, insisting there was no point (he's probably right) and he didn't remember them anyway (yeah, right!).
I was really taken aback. No one's ever spoken to me like that, but is this really what they're all thinking? Report
Some people can eat and sit around without gaining wait. God Bless them. I have to face the fact that that is not the way it is more me.
I hate it when a child says, "Mommy that lady is fat" and the parent doesn't respond and lets the child keep making comments that hurt my feelings. The fact is I am fat. One child kept it up in the grocery line so long, I finally said, "You better eat fruits and vegetables and forget about those chips, cupcakes and candy I see in your cart or you will look just like me. Grab a carrot and not the cupcake." The little boy's eyes bugged out and he looked at me and then at the cupcakes. I wonder if he had a cupcake later.
You are right I do not want to be fat. When I was under 21 and living at home and going to school, I did not have control over what we ate or when we ate, but I could have gone for a walk, road my bike, etc. The fatter I got the less I moved.
When the only memories you have are of being fat, you just accept it. People see a fat person as lazy. The solution is you work harder and more hours to show your the best and end up moving less and hittin the drive-ins and vending machines. The weight slowing increasing. Since it is slow you don't notice the changes as much . Even professionals blame anything from a hang nail to a headache due to fat but didn't provide you with a referral to a nutritionist, therapist, etc. Most likely becuase insurance carriers discourage it while at the same time saying they are for preventative health. Last year a doctor I didn't even know and was not treating with came in to my room and said "Oh my God, Oh my God are you fat." He then tore the sheet off of me and said, "Your even more discusting naked and walked out." No life isn't easy, but I can change. No more beef, potatoes and gravy with buttered bread and 1/4 cup of generously boiled green beans with butter. I am cutting back on beef adding in fish and poultry and a variety of vegetables steamed or raw with herbs and not butter. I am moving and stretching. As the pounds come off I will get more aggressive in exercising.
Report
I don't hear a call for pity in the blog, either, but a call to fight stigma and treat ALL people with respect, period. So somebody convinced a neighbor to join SP and he may not be doing anything more with it. So what? It may not suit him. It is his life and he is still a human being to be respected and treated humanely. Maybe the guy opted for Weight Watchers or decided he doesn't give a hoot. Maybe it's none of our business? Whoa, what a novel thought.
I still disagree with the simplistic SP philosophy that weight is SOLELY a matter of calories ingested vs calories expended. And for heaven's sake, yes, there are large people who are perfectly healthy. Saying, "I know, because I was that way" is judgmental, too, because there are a multitude of factors in weight. I don't appreciate judging people as "weak," again because we don't know the whole story. I was also born overweight or underheight and looked like a pale Buddha. I don't blame my genetics; I work with its effects.
I applaud those who are positive and encouraging, those who are compassionate. We don't know, just by looking, what steps someone is or isn't taking. Each person has a story, a life, genetics, and so on. Perhaps people are taking baby steps. Maybe that huge amount of food is less than they used to eat, or they are adding healthier foods to their diets and still indulging occasionally in certain treats. That's positive, but onlookers wouldn't know that. Even if it's a coworker or someone you are familiar with, you don't know their entire story, so reserve judgment.
The point is, people should not be judged for their size and mistreated, insulted, given unsolicited advice, and so on. It should not be socially acceptable to be cruel. If we want to help others become healthier, I think we'd better find positive ways to approach the issue, not confrontation, penalties, cruelty, or rudeness. And please let's teach our children and grandchildren to treat all people with equal respect. Kudos on the blog, Beth.
~~ Just a starry-eyed idealist truly pained by cruelty ~~ Report
I think that's just plain mean, but these days it seems ok to be mean to fat people. Why? Because in today's society, fat is simply not 'cool' or (dare I say it) sexy.
I mean, ok, so I'm fat. Contrary to what some people think, I KNOW! And for all you know, I could actually be doing something to work on it. But somehow, complete strangers feel that it's ok to be rude, to make fun of and give stupid advice to fat people.
What really gets me annoyed is that you never see the same treatment being given to smokers and alchoholics (unless they really go crazy). Yet, these are also unhealthy lifestyles that can lead to death or debilitating illness. Despite the fact that a smoker is slowly killing him/herself you would hardly find strangers going up to a smoker and rudely telling the person to get rid of that butt (pun intended!). I have never seen people laughing and snickering behind their hands when a smoker walks by. And drinkers are generally viewed as fun and outgoing people, while drinking is viewed as a social activity. In short, smoking and drinking are seen as cool and sexy, so society doesn't really have a problem with the people who do it.
It's a double standard and it makes me sick! Everyone has problems, it's just that, overweight people can't hide the fact that they have a problem. That doesn't give other people the right to make fun or cutting comments. It doesn't help and only makes the person feel bad. So, just STOP already! Report
When I was in my teens I was very overweight. On one particular day I had been shopping and walked by a gym that just opened at the far end of the strip mall I was shopping in. I had a bag of oreo cookies that I was asked to pick up. While standing and looking at the signage a man, probably an employee, asked if I wanted to enter a draw for a free membership.
I was 15 years old, overweight with pimples. The fact that a man was talking to me kicked my shyness and ackwardness into high gear, so I shook my head no. I'm sure his comment "Yeah, that's right, go home and eat your oreos" was meant to be helpful. Like come on, don't eat that, please see that it is killing you. Instead, I used those oreos to stuff the shame.
I do not blame him. I know it was my choice. However, I can honestly say that I would not have eaten an entire bag of cookies in 30 minutes if he had not made his helpful comment.
Some people just need to learn what healthy eating and active lifestyles look like. Some of them may be very overweight, some are barely overweight.
Other people have incredibly unhealthy relationships to food. I was one of these people. I am still a work in progress,
I do not want something I say to "help" someone make the same decision I made that day. I try to be respectful. I try to only offer comments when invited. I try not to give advice, but to speak from my personal experience. I speak up when I see someone making inappropriate comments. I do not buy the magazies that speculate on whether this actress has gained wieght or that one is "scary skinny". Most of all, if I have nothing nice to say, I try not to say anything. Report
Lots of skinny people have unhealthy habits too and develop problems due to this. Nobody should get a free pass of making bad decisions.
The solution is not to stigmatize these people and tell them they are lazy and stupid for making these decisions, but rather making them acknowledge that they have made unhealthy choices, and help people educate one another about healthy alternatives. Report
Thanks for answering my "asinine question" that those three plates at the buffet were for your husband and 2 kids. GREAT ANSWER! Whatever you have to tell yourself.
I'll say it again: "We are all adults and we make our own choices."
I choose not to go to buffets. I choose to exercise and eat healthy.
And it was a rhetorical question. Report