Good Grief

Turn Bad Times into Good Opportunities

-- By Dean Anderson, Behavioral Psychology Expert

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The pain and emotional turmoil that comes with the loss of someone or something important to us makes grieving one of the most difficult—and important—things any human experiences in life. And not just for the obvious reasons.

Yes, learning how to cope with significant loss and the feelings it generates is crucial to getting through the difficult times, but that’s only part of the story. The ways in which we cope with losses shape other important dimensions of our lives, like how much meaning and satisfaction we will find, and what kind of chronic problems we'll contend with. But whenever we try to avoid feelings we don’t want to have, we diminish our capacity to experience the feelings that make life worth living. And we set ourselves up for the kind of problems that come with using other things—like food and eating—to avoid the feelings we don’t want to have.

Learning how to properly grieve is one crucial way to learn how to open up more fully to all of your feelings, and therefore, to all the good experiences that life has to offer us.

Unfortunately, this is easier said than done. Letting yourself feel the painful or threatening feelings of grieving is difficult enough, even when you know how to handle them. And most people just don’t get many opportunities to practice using it. In fact, we get just the opposite—lots of pressure to “get over” what hurts us without letting our feelings cause trouble for us or anyone else.

In this article you’ll find some general information about the grieving process, along with some practical ways to work on turning the bad events into real opportunities for emotional growth and development.

The Elements of Grieving
Grieving is not really about handling losses at all—the fact that it helps us do that is just a welcome bonus. Grieving is about handling ourselves when we are facing difficult situations. Each stage of the grieving process involves things you need to do to provide yourself with the same open, compassionate, and supportive response you’d like to provide to others when something bad happens to them. Difficulties arise only when we somehow get stuck in one stage of the process.

Experts who study the grieving process have identified at least five major elements, commonly referred to as stages:

Denial or numbness. This can take many forms, ranging from actual disbelief to emotional shutdown, which make it appear as if you're not affected at all. Both are basic self-defense measures, designed to protect you from experiencing the full intensity of the loss all at once. Periods of denial and numbness may alternate with periods during which you acknowledge what happened, its implications, and the feelings that come with it.
Anger. At some point, everyone who experiences a loss is likely to get angry about it, even if it doesn't “make sense.” People who experience the death or disability of a loved one, for example, may get intensely angry at that person for abandoning them, or causing them pain and difficulty. Some may get angry with themselves for “allowing” something bad to happen, even when they had no control over it. This often helps you avoid being overwhelmed by debilitating feelings like helplessness and powerlessness.
Bargaining. This can also take many forms, including preoccupation with thoughts about what could have prevented the loss from happening, things that now will never be accomplished, or what can be done to minimize the consequences of the loss. All this thinking can keep powerful feelings at arm’s length when needed, and may also help draw lessons from the situation.
Depression. As the reality of the loss and its implications sets in, people may experience all the symptoms of depression. They may be unable to meet their normal day-to-day responsibilities, and may withdraw from normal social interactions. This temporary withdrawal of energy from external affairs may be necessary to have the time and opportunity to reorganize your emotional life to match your new reality.
Acceptance. At some point, you will be able to integrate what has happened, and all the feelings and reactions attached to it, into your “life-story,” allowing it to take its appropriate place alongside other significant experiences. This does not usually mean that you're “done” with this loss, and can move on as if it never happened. It simply means that it no longer dominates the mental and emotional landscape so much.

However you define the elements of grief—as tasks, stages, or behaviors—research makes it pretty clear that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to go through the process of grieving a loss, no set order in which these stages or elements will be experienced, and no “normal” timetable for moving through the process.

It’s also pretty clear that it doesn’t take a major loss such as a death, serious illness, or loss of an important relationship or object to set the grieving process in motion. Any significant change, including positive ones, like finishing school, getting a better job, having a child (or having one move out), or reaching your weight loss goal and suddenly realizing you’re not quite the same person you used to be. Every life change entails a loss of what used to be (or what might have been), and a transition into something new, and that often leaves us in the strange position of grieving for something we ourselves wanted to change.

Help Yourself through the Grieving Process
As mentioned earlier, the biggest problem people experience during the grieving process is getting "stuck” on a certain stage. This usually happens when your belief system tells you that a “good” person wouldn’t have the feelings or thoughts you’re having. "It’s not right," we tell ourselves, "to feel numb or detached after something terrible happens, to be angry at someone who died or got sick, to feel guilty about something we have no control over, or to get so depressed we can’t meet our responsibilities." Or we feel foolish for feeling sad about “losing” something we didn’t like very much to begin with. So, when we find ourselves having those feelings, we fight them, and in the process, we make the feelings stronger, make ourselves feel worse, and diminish our ability to cooperate with the natural process of integrating the loss into our lives.

There are a lot of things you can do to avoid this. Here’s a short list of time-tested ideas:

Always remember this: There are no bad or wrong feelings. Everything you feel is exactly what you need to feel right now.
If your feelings seem too overwhelming to allow you to function as you need to, try setting aside specific times every day to allow whatever feelings you have to come up. Once your feelings know you’re willing to have them, they’ll usually be quite happy to come and go quickly, a little bit at a time. It’s when you’re fighting them that things can get really bad.
Let yourself express your feelings physically. Cry, shout or scream if you need to. Find something to pound on or break. Go sit in the closet if you need to get away from people. Emotions are designed to move you to do something, and if you leave out the "doing something" part, you’re not fully expressing the feeling. Just be sure there’s no one else on the receiving end who could be hurt—or who might be inclined to call the police because you’re acting a little strangely.
Don’t try to talk or reason yourself out of your feelings. Instead, try to have a conversation with them, as if you were talking to someone else. Ask them where they’re coming from, what they’re about, and what they are trying to tell you. Keep a private journal where you have these conversations with your feelings that you never share with anyone else. That way, you won't have to worry about subconsciously censoring yourself.
If possible, find others who have gone (or are going) through similar losses to help you feel less alone and confused about what’s going on.
Recognize that times of grief are not the time to play superhero. You won’t be able to function at your best, so accept all the help you can get. Even if it doesn’t seem to really help much, it will make the people around you feel better, and that will take a lot of stress out of the situation.
Find someone you trust to talk to about practical daily business. Give her permission to be honest with you when she thinks your feelings are clouding your decisions and judgments.

Remember that your positive and negative feelings are one "package." You can’t experience real joy if you can’t feel sorrow; nor can you find happiness if you’re busy running from sadness. The amount of pleasure and meaning you can get out of your relationships is directly proportional to your capacity to feel the pain of loneliness, just as you’ll never know of the pride in your accomplishments as long as you avoid the anxiety of taking risks or the shame of failing.

The philosopher Nietzsche said that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. That holds very true for grieving, but only if you let yourself work with—not against—all the feelings and thoughts come as a result.

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About The Author

Dean Anderson
Dean Anderson has master's degrees in human services (behavioral psychology/stress management) and liberal studies. His interest in healthy living began at the age of 50 when he confronted his own morbid obesity and health issues. He joined SparkPeople and lost 150 pounds and regained his health. Dean has earned a personal training certification from ACE and received training as a lifestyle and weight management consultant. See all of Dean's articles.

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Member Comments

PATTISTAMPS

I happened on this article accidently, but I am currently grieving the loss of my sweet little dog. Sometimes I feel guilty for the grief - after all she was a dog... but she was my little fur-baby, and after almost 12 years together, her loss was heart breaking. I am sending this to my DH to read as well, as he is every bit as heart broken as I am. Thanks for the guidance and support - 2/8/2013 1:10:10 PM
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ALMU87

Thank you for this great and helpful article, Dean!
I lost my sister to cancer, my better half, my best friend, my everything last year. I loved (still do) her so much. At a sudden she's gone and I'm alone. We did so much together that everything reminded me of her. I was devastated. My life changed. All my happiness and joy was gone and I had lost interest in everything.
Thanks of a professional online coach (recommend you Your24hcoach) I called anytime I needed to talk me every thought off my chest I recognized that you have to look forward. Sad to say, but you can't change what happened. Life, despite it's certain cruelties, goes on. You can't stop living because of a loss of a beloved one. I thought of my sister. What would she want me to do? She loved me so much she wouldn't want me to stop enjoying my life. You have to appreciate to have the chance to have the possibility to enjoy your life furthermore. It's a horrible period a loving person has to experience. Nevertheless, we have to accept it as part of our life. I can only recommend you to seek professional help if you can't see any betterment. They can help you process your thoughts and feelings. You can talk anything off your chest. I mean if you really loved what you lost, it won't stop hurting. Nevertheless, you have to try to transform all the wonderful memories in positive power. Don't stop enjoying your life! Your beloved one would ask you to do so!
- 1/28/2013 11:36:21 AM
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GOODBYE-FRIENDS

I am grateful to read that you shouldn't try to be a superhero while grieving. I felt really guilty, and still kind of do, over the severe grief I felt when my mom passed. I feel like going through the loss made me absent in others' lives, and now I am re-thinking it.

If there was ever a time I could not be a superhero it was most definitely when I lost my mom.
Thanks Mr Anderson for this article!!! - 7/2/2012 7:14:44 PM
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WONDERS06

I nearly cried when I read this. Very insightful article. - 3/22/2012 9:51:33 AM
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CANINE_MAMA

This summer has been full of grief and loss for me. Mama died right before Memorial Day, then Daddy had a stroke and ended up in the nursing home. I feel like I have done well with the grief letting the tears flow when they appear (unless I'm driving). Even though I know Mama is in a much better place, I still miss her and that I think is mostly what makes me sad, but it also makes me want to do something which is why I joined the Walk to End Alzheimer's, the disease that stole my mama from us. - 8/30/2011 10:12:14 PM
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LSPIZZA

This is a really good article. So glad to see you mention that there is no wrong way to grieve and no right timetable.

My husband died suddenly 3+ years ago - when he was 47 and I was 42 - leaving me to bring up our 2 small children myself. I have experienced alot of what you mention, as well as a lot of what people mention in their comments. Everything from all the stages/feeling mentioned to wondering - and being angry about - why my beautiful marriage to my healthy, fit husband had to die with a sudden heart attack and other marriages - especially those including unhealthy, unfit spouses or arguing unhappy spouses - get to go on.

And you do have to deal with your feelings. And it takes as long as it takes. I have no problem with articles and discussions of the feelings or even stages. Its when someone tells you a timetable that I find it hard.

And I really think Coach Dean gave a wonderful discussion and wonderful advice. I will save this one for future reference - while I still grieve, for when I grieve the new losses I am sure will come in my life, and for when my friends and family could use some good words.

Thanks! - 7/7/2011 3:13:24 PM
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LMMIMI

I lost my husband 39 years ago at age 48 and at that time I was only the second widow in our small bedroom community church. Fortunately, they wrapped their arms around me and my two teen age children. Our pastor at the time realized that many were having problems with death and grieving so he conducted a death and dying class. He asked me if I would be willing to participant and to this day I am so glad I did as it really helped me and the others through the process of loss and grieving. - 4/18/2011 4:34:05 PM
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BERRY4

I'm glad SP / Coach Dean is putting helpful info for all to read. There is such a lack of helpful info for those dealing with grief to find support. -- So many suffer in silence because the general populace seem to think 6 weeks in general is enough time to "get on with your life". Get real!

It's too bad that grieving people sometimes feel like they have to hide away because others have no idea how to deal with another's pain.

Wonderful book resource: "Tear Soup" by Pat Schweibert, Chuck DeKlyen, Taylor Bills, and Pat Schwiebert. It helps for all ages & stages. Very useful info & support. - 2/3/2011 1:45:40 AM
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RACHELSBAMA

it is a good point to remember that we all grieve at our own pace and there is no right or wrong way to feel
When my brother died at 28, I was broken up and so sad. I can remember seeing a drug addict walking the streets and wondering why God left this soul to walk the earth yet allowed my brother to die and leave a wife with two small children to care for on her own.
That was a turning point for me as I realised how bitter and angry I was and I had to move on to acceptance. He was gone and he was not coming back.
- 11/6/2010 9:56:17 PM
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TSERISA

This perpetuates the unscientific, outdated idea that there are stages of grieving.

Although Kübler-Ross, the doctor who proposed the idea of the "stages", contributed immensely to the understanding of grief, her ideas have since been under challenge through extensive studies, and her ideas about aspects of grieving have been taken out of context and greatly distorted. In fact, her stages originally applied to people who were DYING, not grieving, and were based on anecdotal evidence, not studies.

Using weasel words like "experts who study" is misleading. Which experts? What studies? The Yale Bereavement Study, even aiming to *confirm* the stages, found that they were ordered improperly, and didn't find evidence of some of the stages. George Bonanno, professor of clinical psychology at Columbia University, calls for scientifically supported information to replace that of unsupported theories popular with laypeople, and has stated that two decades of rigorous scientific studies do not support the "stages of grief". The APA published a book called "Meaning Reconstruction &
the Experience of Loss" which debunked the notion of a series of stages of grief and placed emphasis on treating an individual's unique way of dealing with grief, in 2001.

Perpetuating the idea that there is a specific progression is harmful to those who may be grieving, because it is certainly true that there is no wrong way to grieve, and many people will never experience most of the supposed stages they're expected to go through. Thinking that they are not grieving "normally" is yet another stressor to add to a difficult time. - 8/29/2010 2:15:19 PM
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RUSTBUCKET1

Great article. One that I will refer to often. - 4/28/2010 11:44:21 PM
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TINKMCD

Dean, I always find your articles insightful, but you've outdone yourself this time! (I hope one of your goals is to write a book or have your own TV show at some point. I'd be first in line to buy/watch.)

I've done considerable reading about the grieving process, beginning back in 1981 or so, when I was first dealing with the emotions of having been diagnosed with a chronic illness.

What I've learned has helped me cope with many--and many different kinds of--losses since then. And of course it's all helped me support others when they were faced with losses.

Most of your article served chiefly as a concise review of what I'd already learned either from reading or through experience. But one element was new to me, and I expect that it will prove to be a hugely helpful perspective.

The initial stage (denial/numbness) has always been easy for me to view as essentially adaptive/protecti
ve. But until reading your article today, I had never thought about how the *other* stages might also be not just necessary evils, but actually adaptive--that is, involving "things [we] need to do to provide [ourselves] with the same open, compassionate, and supportive response [we'd] like to provide to others when something bad happens to them"--for example, that anger isn't just a stage to get through, or even just a natural response, but may actually be *helpful* in keeping us from "being overwhelmed by debilitating feelings like helplessness and powerlessness" (a tendency that painful experience has taught me that I must vigilantly guard against if I don't want to wind up clinically depressed).

Thanks so much for all you contribute to the SP community. And thanks especially for this piece. - 4/28/2010 11:15:12 AM
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MOMS100

A very timely article, indeed! I read it sometime last year, but it really hit home today. Two high school seniors in our town were in a car accident a week ago during a storm. One boy only lived a few days. Today was his funeral. There are a lot of grieving people around here.

Also, tomorrow will be the 2cd anniversary of my Mom's death. I've been mopey for days. Thanks, Dean, for a much-needed reminder that this is normal! - 3/20/2010 1:44:49 PM
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NJ_HOU

Thank you for writing the article, however, I found it superficial. I agree with DLROSE51. When I lost my husband of 33 years it was the greatest shock I've ever been through. Placing that loss in the lump with being laid off was for me not even in the same universe. My signature changed once I sort of woke up out of the miasma. I think each person experiences the change differently and some people get to say goodbye to their loved ones which might or might not help. Grief teaches you compassion for yourself if nothing else. Maybe for some not a lot when the person might feel guilt but you must have some for yourself to help you through the rough times when you hear that song, hear a laugh, smell the cologne, etc. - 2/13/2010 12:28:01 AM
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JWELL2011

What a fantastic article. It really helps to know that it is ok to feel less than great and that I am allowed to grieve for as long as I need to. Thank-you to the author. - 12/13/2009 4:31:30 PM
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