Motivation Articles

Top 10 Signs You Need to Lose Weight

Can You Relate?

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather laugh than cry when life sneaks up on me and cracks me right between the eyes. Case in point: my weight.

It wasn’t that long ago that I was arguably in the best shape of my adult life. But being the yo-yo dieter that I am—with emphasis on the yo-yo part—I not only lost most of my muscle tone and gained back the fat, but I packed on a few extra pounds for bad measure.

Now, I could look at the number on the scale, throw myself on my bed and sob over my self-inflicted misfortune. But that’s not my style. Instead, I’m gonna take a lighthearted look (at least something around here is light!) at the top 10 sure signs I desperately need to lose weight. See if you can relate.

#10: You find yourself sucking air after performing the acrobatic maneuver needed to get socks on your feet.

Like some contortionist from Cirque de Soleil, I have to perfectly gauge the distance I need to bend at the waist with the distance I need to lift my leg. Accuracy is everything. I can only hold this position for seconds at a time without aborting the mission and gasping for breath!

#9: To button your pants, you have to lie on the bed.

I usually flop about and groan like the demon-possessed girl in the Exorcist. Scary behavior like this means you’re fat or that you are too cheap to replace the jeans you wore in high school…20+ years ago!

#8: You steer your car with your knees since both hands are busy holding a sugary 64-ounce fountain drink.

When I'm drinking the bucket-sized sodas, I know that I'm in trouble. It means I have chosen gluttony over portion control.

#7: You have a gut.

Occasionally, the lower portion of my gut sports the unmistakable markings of my car's steering wheel. This phenomenon usually leads to...

#6: Your driver's seat is reclined so far back that you can easily touch the rear window by scratching your ear.

Yep, this is a sure sign that I'm fat and desperately trying to escape sign #7.

#5: Your pile of picked-clean chicken bones resembles the sun-bleached skeletons found in old pirate movies.

I know I've been especially thorough if Scruffy, my ever-hungry golden retriever, turns up his nose at the barren bones I've just finished working over.

#4: Shirts with a single X on the size label aren't comfy enough anymore.
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About The Author

John McGran John McGran
During his 25-year writing and editing career, John has written for several newspapers, magazines and websites.

Member Comments

  • Some of these were just plain STUPID. Like number 4 I wore an XLT shirt in grade 12 and was UNDERWEIGHT. Also the presence or absence of a "gut" does not indicate your fitness level . Masutatsu Oyama (founder of KYUKUSHIKAI KARATE ) was very fit ( he used to kill bulls with a single blow) but had a large belly. - 2/9/2015 8:48:01 PM
    Do not drink your morning beverage while reading this lst, it makes a mess on your keyboard. lol - loved it. - 11/2/2014 12:39:29 PM
  • Hilarious, loved #10, why is putting on socks so hard !! (smile) - 8/27/2014 10:39:35 AM
  • This is hilarious - thank you for writing a funny article about weight lost! - 8/15/2014 11:09:37 AM
    Pretty much was at that point at one time or another. Great article. Great motivator! - 3/19/2014 1:09:10 PM
  • A sign you need to lose weight (men only): You cannot see your willie. You have manboobs. - 10/8/2013 12:02:50 AM
  • Thank you for this....yes the socks are tough...the day i realized that didn't change a thing. i remember being horrified and was glad no one was watching. Those signs that i denied! - 6/7/2013 5:33:49 PM
  • LOL! ; ) - 12/28/2012 10:42:27 AM
    VERY GOOD, I WEAR SLIPONS WITH NO SOCKS. - 12/5/2012 3:20:22 AM
  • Thank you for this message. I so needed it today. - 11/18/2012 10:27:37 PM
    Very funny. All the best! - 7/16/2012 10:14:11 PM
  • DRSZ02
    This article was great. I too have been lovingly sent the fat gene and can relate to several of your funnies. I, unfortunately, have also been given the diabetes gene so I have no more excuses. I have to lose the weight. Keep up the good work on making us laugh. It really does help. - 7/16/2012 9:02:04 AM
  • This sounds like multiple people on my dads side of the family! They all have the same sense of humor about their size, both of which they loving passed on to me, but they tend to ignore their size and just make jokes. however a few of these sound like me, so I'll get off the computer, eat a healthy lunch, then so the exercises I committed to an hour ago. - 8/3/2011 2:39:33 PM
  • Very Funny and ........and so true!! - 7/29/2011 4:42:16 PM
  • SO FUNNY!! Yet SO TRUE!! - 5/9/2011 3:08:01 PM

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