Motivation Articles

Top 10 Signs You Need to Lose Weight

Can You Relate?

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather laugh than cry when life sneaks up on me and cracks me right between the eyes. Case in point: my weight.

It wasn’t that long ago that I was arguably in the best shape of my adult life. But being the yo-yo dieter that I am—with emphasis on the yo-yo part—I not only lost most of my muscle tone and gained back the fat, but I packed on a few extra pounds for bad measure.

Now, I could look at the number on the scale, throw myself on my bed and sob over my self-inflicted misfortune. But that’s not my style. Instead, I’m gonna take a lighthearted look (at least something around here is light!) at the top 10 sure signs I desperately need to lose weight. See if you can relate.

#10: You find yourself sucking air after performing the acrobatic maneuver needed to get socks on your feet.

Like some contortionist from Cirque de Soleil, I have to perfectly gauge the distance I need to bend at the waist with the distance I need to lift my leg. Accuracy is everything. I can only hold this position for seconds at a time without aborting the mission and gasping for breath!

#9: To button your pants, you have to lie on the bed.

I usually flop about and groan like the demon-possessed girl in the Exorcist. Scary behavior like this means you’re fat or that you are too cheap to replace the jeans you wore in high school…20+ years ago!

#8: You steer your car with your knees since both hands are busy holding a sugary 64-ounce fountain drink.

When I'm drinking the bucket-sized sodas, I know that I'm in trouble. It means I have chosen gluttony over portion control.

#7: You have a gut.

Occasionally, the lower portion of my gut sports the unmistakable markings of my car's steering wheel. This phenomenon usually leads to...

#6: Your driver's seat is reclined so far back that you can easily touch the rear window by scratching your ear.

Yep, this is a sure sign that I'm fat and desperately trying to escape sign #7.

#5: Your pile of picked-clean chicken bones resembles the sun-bleached skeletons found in old pirate movies.

I know I've been especially thorough if Scruffy, my ever-hungry golden retriever, turns up his nose at the barren bones I've just finished working over.

#4: Shirts with a single X on the size label aren't comfy enough anymore.

Same goes for pants with waistlines of less than 40. When my larger than life clothes are tightening, I know it's time for a change.

#3: The Mansierre (or Bro) episode of Seinfeld stops being funny.

Because, like Frank Costanza, I too could use a tad more support...up there.

#2: A wrestling match with your kids clocks in shorter than the commercials aired between evening news segments.

I need the remainder of that annoying Cialis ad to catch my breath…and to slurp a little of my supersized Pepsi.

#1: I know I need to lose weight when I play Dracula and avoid mirrors at all costs.

Hey, it's easier to remain in denial if I don't have to come face-to-face with those chipmunk cheeks that sort of resemble mine...only much heavier!

Please don’t get mad at me for picking on a fat person—I am that fat person. But I won’t let this knowledge mire me in the sadness and depression that leads to inaction. So laugh a little, and smile too. With the proper motivation and support, a little exercise and some healthier food choices, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

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Member Comments

  • My Gawd! I could have been reading my diary. If I kept a diary!
  • Ha! I loved the humor in this article!! Well done!
  • Socks...I am working towards them not being my arch enemy in the morning. I love the part about the chicken bones, I can inhale an entire bucket of KFC when I am in that zone. But I am moving out of that zone, backing away slowly and steadily.
    thank you for this smiles -- it some times feels, like I am the only one, who fails at losing weight - glad to know, some one else has the same struggles
  • It's so nice to read something a little lighthearted in between the educational articles. Sometimes my brain feels too full with info, so it was a nice to have an article to make me smile (and relate to). :)
  • hanks for the humor and the truth
    Who would be mad at you?? I think this is soooo funny!! I loved it and would love to see more humor! Sometimes we take ourselves a bit too seriously!

    How about being a student and requesting a table and chair because you feel..."tight" getting into a student desk...and need a shoe horn to get yourself back out of it!!

    But this semester I hope to be back in a regular desk like the rest of the folks in college!!

    Thank you for the laugh!

    Pursuing excellence is not a one time job. It is a way of life. Good job.
    Skills can be imparted, but the will to persist and persevere is inborn… a talent you have been blessed with. Well done.
  • Some of these were just plain STUPID. Like number 4 I wore an XLT shirt in grade 12 and was UNDERWEIGHT. Also the presence or absence of a "gut" does not indicate your fitness level . Masutatsu Oyama (founder of KYUKUSHIKAI KARATE ) was very fit ( he used to kill bulls with a single blow) but had a large belly.
    Do not drink your morning beverage while reading this lst, it makes a mess on your keyboard. lol - loved it.
  • Hilarious, loved #10, why is putting on socks so hard !! (smile)
  • This is hilarious - thank you for writing a funny article about weight lost!
    Pretty much was at that point at one time or another. Great article. Great motivator!
  • A sign you need to lose weight (men only): You cannot see your willie. You have manboobs.

About The Author

John McGran John McGran
During his 25-year writing and editing career, John has written for several newspapers, magazines and websites.

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