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IREADYERMIND's Photo IREADYERMIND Posts: 479
1/27/15 3:10 P

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I just found out that ANOTHER friend of mine is accidentally pregnant. That makes SEVEN now.

I'm really happy for her, because she was always told that she'd never get pregnant and couldn't have children, but at the same time -- it makes me insanely jealous because if SHE can get pregnant without trying, then why can't *I* get pregnant when I *AM* trying? She was always on birth control because it helped regulate her hormones I guess, and then because she was told she'd never get pregnant due to some fertility issues, she stopped taking the pill... and then got pregnant.

ARG! emoticon

At least with this friend, though, she's more understanding. She was devastated when she was told she couldn't have children, so she knows some of what I am going through when I tell her I'm frustrated and whatnot. I'm still happy for her and I'm trying to be uber supportive, and thank goodness she isn't telling me "relax and it will happen!" like the others.


SADDY - I'd have to wager that when you're young and horny and (supposedly) super fertile, it's way easier to get pregnant... so parents are probably right when they say it's easy then. But as we get older and those raging hormones level out, it gets more and more difficult. I'm betting a lot of people just continue to assume that it's "easy" to conceive for the rest of your life, whether or not that's true for everyone. Many women just figure that because THEY didn't have trouble TTC, no one else should either.


KATIE -- That's a little messed up! Switching from "when are you going to have a baby" to "when are you going to adopt a baby"? Wtf? Stuff like that makes me want to say to people, "When are you going to realize it isn't any of your business!?"

When I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, I was informed that if it had spread too much, I'd have to have a hysterectomy. That was devastating. I told my mother about it, mostly for emotional support than anything else, but she immediately said, "Well, you could always adopt." What!? That's not why I wanted to talk about it at all! At that point, DH and I hadn't even decided if we wanted kids and were just in the early stages of considering our options. I was upset that the stupid cancer was going to make the choice FOR me rather than it being something DH and I decided on our own, and Mom had tunnel vision and was only concerned about me adopting a child. GRR.

I know it's human nature to be a little self-centered, but honestly, people! lol

Some of us are struggling here and we don't want others to make it out like we're not doing enough, or doing it the right way, or whatever. Oye. lol


READYRACHEL -- You are exactly right. Most people just think that having babies is easy. As though all you do is forgo the birth control, and that's it. Unprotected sex for one month is all you need. And a lot of commercials, health professionals, etc. would have you believe that, too. I mean, those Plan B commercials? It's like... You had unprotected sex once? Oh no! Hurry and buy this product so you don't get pregnant, because you will!

And when you look at how overpopulated the planet is, and how some women have 5+ children before the age of 30, maybe it makes sense why so many people think that having babies is easy. I just wish that the general populace was a little more aware of fertility issues. They're not just for women, men have them too!

I'm glad you aren't one of those people spewing the "relax and it will happen" mantra. lol. emoticon

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SADDYSPOT's Photo SADDYSPOT Posts: 1,684
1/20/15 2:54 P

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I think part of the problem is that when we are kids, we are scared straight by telling us how easy it is to get pregnant, when in reality, it's only easy if all the stars are aligned and it's a full moon and you are under a certain age and under a certain weight, and so on. I'm 34, so even with everything working fine (so far as I know), I only have about a 10% chance of getting pregnant each month...I want to make that as strong of a chance as possible, so I use the tools available. I think a lot of people never do any research to know what reality for an adult is, though.

Kari

In the long run, we shape our lives and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die, and the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility.--Eleanor Roosevelt


KTLUND99's Photo KTLUND99 Posts: 2,244
1/12/15 12:21 P

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I'm in the same boat! Two good friends are pregnant now and due at the end of the month, and one of them told my husband to just get drunk and do it. The other had a miscarriage, which was very sad, so when my husband and her husband talked, it sounded like we were both trying but not too hard...the next week we found out that they were already pregnant. The worst is that she told my husband to hurry up and have a kid before his brother or else his parents would like the brother more. That one set me off when it was relayed to me. A different friend told me that there must be a pill for whatever is wrong with us, so just take the pill and get pregnant. Sigh.

So I hear you and am here for you! I've gone through the range of responses: changing the subject, laughing it off, asking "Why do you ask?" in hopes they'll realize it's a rude question, and telling people we're having trouble. I stopped that one, though, after telling my mom, aunt, and sister all at once...which just led them to asking when we were going to adopt. Sigh.



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READYRACHEL's Photo READYRACHEL Posts: 1,399
1/7/15 4:02 P

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Before trying to conceive my daughter I wouldn't even think twice about asking friends and family about having babies. When I joined this group and started following the monthly TTC posts, it really opened my eyes to all the fertility issues that people can face and how long it can take to conceive. I was very fortunate that it did not take us long, but not everyone has that. Now I never ask or make suggestions like "relax and it will happen" because I have seen the struggles on this team. I think people honestly don't think about what they are saying a lot of the time or they don't realize the impact.

Rachel

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IREADYERMIND's Photo IREADYERMIND Posts: 479
12/28/14 5:34 P

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:) Thank you for saying so. It's nice to know that people don't mind lending a sympathetic ear now and again.

I **ALMOST** managed to get through Christmas without a "so when are you gonna have a baby?" comment. Called my mother to chat (we spent xmas with the in-laws this year. Joy. lol) and was wrapping up the phone call when she chimes in, "So when [husband] gets his promotion in 2015, are you gonna have babies?"

Sigh. lol

I had to brush it off with a, "Mom, if I can hardly haul my fat butt around by itself, how am I also going to haul around a baby for 9 months?" Told her I wanted to lose weight to help make mine a healthier pregnancy and to sort of "make up for" any baby weight I gain. She grumbled about "it doesn't always work that way" but accepted my answer.

At least I never hear "just relax and it will happen!" from my mother. She knows better.


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JOJOSLIVIN's Photo JOJOSLIVIN SparkPoints: (85,304)
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12/23/14 5:04 P

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My thoughts exactly., They obviously have no idea how the body works, and have never noticed that I don't drink that much.

Sometimes venting to those who understand gets you an open ear and lets others join in to let off some steam too. There are enough of us here that understand how hard TTC is and the many different issues that cause the trouble. Don't be afraid to reach out and vent. That's part of the support.

nothing is impossible, the word itself says i'm possible!!!

making it possible one step at a time

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IREADYERMIND's Photo IREADYERMIND Posts: 479
12/22/14 3:28 P

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Just go get drunk? Really? That's their answer? lol! Do they not know how the body works? You can't get pregnant just from having sex at some random point in your cycle, unless you're spot-on with your ovulation....

Course trying to explain that to some of those people gets you blank looks and maybe some of them think you're just making excuses, right? Ugh.

What gets me is that my BFF has some medical background. She's a pharmacy tech and surely she knows what Clomid and other hormonal/fertility prescriptions are for, and why people use them? That's part of the reason why I felt she might be able to lend a sympathetic ear -- she knows that pregnancy isn't just an immediate thing for some people, which is why those drugs exist. AND she knows of my recent surgery and whatnot.

Bah. I haven't talked to her in a few days because I just can't think what to say. I don't want to get mad at her for her belief, but I did have to explain to her that it's just not going to be that simple for me and that I *have* to use the BBT and whatnot. Even after that she kept up with the "relax and it will happen" comments.

I could vent here, but sometimes I feel like I shouldn't. We're here to try to keep each other positive, right? And help interpret BBT charts, and offer TTC advice, support for BFNs and things like that.

emoticon



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JOJOSLIVIN's Photo JOJOSLIVIN SparkPoints: (85,304)
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12/19/14 5:57 P

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You are not alone. I'm surrounded by people who have gotten pregnant unplanned and not trying. I am often told to just get drunk and go at it and it will happen. the look on my face is that confuse "really...did you just say that" look.
When it comes easy to people they take for granted it is easy for every one. The easiest thing to do is smile and change the subject. Unfortunately too many people have advice for things they don't know the details of and I have decided they don't need to know the details because it doesn't matter they give you the same advice because they don't understand when there is a legitimate problem. Stay strong. and really this might be your best place to vent and share.

nothing is impossible, the word itself says i'm possible!!!

making it possible one step at a time

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IREADYERMIND's Photo IREADYERMIND Posts: 479
12/19/14 4:35 P

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I mentioned that DH and I are TTC to my best friend a while back, because I needed to have SOMEONE I could talk to about it and I didn't want to spoil the surprise for my mom and DH's mom.

That seems to be backfiring though. My BFF has two children from unplanned pregnancies and has never had to really TRY to get pregnant. So along the way, as I've made comments about BBT charting, OPKs and all the rest, she's told me that she doesn't know why I bother with that, because all I have to do is "just relax" and I'll get pregnant.

Well, I'm sorry, but not everyone has that kind of luck!

I have to monitor BBT, CM, and use OPKs because of crazy long cycles, PCOS, and the cervical surgery I had earlier this year. It isn't a matter of just having sex off and on for 2 weeks out of a month.

Today I lamented the fact that I didn't get a BFP this cycle, and she started in on the "you don't need to do all that stuff, just relax" bit. Yes, I understand that stress isn't a good thing for TTC, but it isn't the only thing to worry about.

Rather than snap at her, I changed the subject and considered who else I could talk to that might understand what is going on here.

Then I realized: literally all my friends and family who have had babies in the past 10+ years have had them accidentally.

I don't have anyone to talk to here in town that could commiserate with me on TTC, TWW, and so on. o.o My sisters, my cousins, my coworkers, my classmates... With the exception of my mother, who had trouble TTC and used BBT and OPKs to become pregnant with me, and I can't talk to my mother because we'd like to surprise her with the news, whenever that happens.

What are these gals doing that I'm not!? lol

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I was just a little miffed at her reaction to my lament. I wonder if any of you gals have experienced the same thing, and how did you handle it?

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