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ESILBO's Photo ESILBO Posts: 3,269
11/24/08 7:55 P

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all so funny... emoticon

LISE...
CALGARY ALBERTA
******************
I USE UPPER CASES BECAUSE IT IS EASIER TO READ WITH MY OLDER EYES.
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THINK HIGHLY OF YOURSELF BECAUSE THE WORLD TAKES YOU AT YOUR OWN ESTIMATE...UNKNOWN
(TRYING VERY HARD)
********************


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11/23/08 4:32 P

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GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.
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"Every Job Is A Self-Portrait Of The Person Who Did It. Autograph Your Work With Excellence."

"One step back equals two steps forward. We are always a step ahead by continuing."


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BABIE_JANE's Photo BABIE_JANE Posts: 19,723
11/22/08 9:58 P

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What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son?




If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

BJ


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11/21/08 12:53 A

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That was a good 'belly shaker' laugh!
Thanks Baby_Jane.
- Margrit -
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"Every Job Is A Self-Portrait Of The Person Who Did It. Autograph Your Work With Excellence."

"One step back equals two steps forward. We are always a step ahead by continuing."


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BABIE_JANE's Photo BABIE_JANE Posts: 19,723
11/20/08 2:23 P

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Here's a Thanksgiving giggle for you:

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot really had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally though, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and more rude! In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer! For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked and screamed..... then suddenly there was total quiet! Not a peep was heard for over a minute!

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude! As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


BJ


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~~MICHELLE~~'s Photo ~~MICHELLE~~ Posts: 397
11/20/08 11:52 A

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Those were great thanks for sharing.

(`.) Best Wishes
`.(`.) Love &
(`.). Hugs
`.. ~Michelle~

Are you from Eastern Kentucky? Come join us at EASTERN KENTUCKY GALS!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=17271


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BABIE_JANE's Photo BABIE_JANE Posts: 19,723
11/20/08 11:36 A

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To both of them!

BJ


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POSITIVE_ENERGY's Photo POSITIVE_ENERGY Posts: 288
11/20/08 10:54 A

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Holry cow that was too funny!! Thanks for sharing!!

Missey

Dream like you will live forever, live as if you will die tomorrow. James Dean

Today is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!




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11/20/08 10:51 A

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Here's a well-known Diet Joke:

RETIRED PEOPLE

Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff - - the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story).

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff a Golden Retriever's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. We have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
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"Every Job Is A Self-Portrait Of The Person Who Did It. Autograph Your Work With Excellence."

"One step back equals two steps forward. We are always a step ahead by continuing."


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POSITIVE_ENERGY's Photo POSITIVE_ENERGY Posts: 288
11/20/08 9:23 A

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This is an oldie but a goodie. Thought I'd share since i have been feeling this way with my personal trainer this week!

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM


If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something seriously wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine and their gift-giving daughters!




Dear Diary,




For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)

Purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.




Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.




I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.




My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


________________________________




MONDAY:




Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!




Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!


________________________________






TUESDAY:




I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.




Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.




________________________________



WEDNESDAY:




The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.




Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

________________________________


THURSDAY :




Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.




Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.




Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

_______________________________


FRIDAY :




I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, little #@*. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.




Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stinkin barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.




Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________


SATURDAY :




Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

_______________________________


SUNDAY :

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little brat) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!

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Dream like you will live forever, live as if you will die tomorrow. James Dean

Today is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!




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