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9/6/08 11:09 P

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greetings....MSMANDEELEI, ok, what I have to say comes only from my experience.... I have had episodes of clinical depression and the Royal Consort does have a tough time... and I have learned that when I am in the beginning, middle, or end and re-emergance of an episode (break-down)... that I don't always process the events that are happening.. AND that is when counseling has helped me....

Yet the Royal Consort seems to be very frightened when I have an episode... and I become very upset because he seeminly is so distant.... so after some BEEN THERE, DONE THAT moments, I realize that he will NOT be my knight in shining armour when I am episodal---at least not according to my definitions

BUT he is very much my knight in shining armour about trying to make sure that such episodes don't happen again...

so you may be in a totally different situation yet you might be interpretting your hubby's behaviors thru the haze of a clinical depression... that is where counseling will help... many blessings

Terri, Princess of the Terri-tory~~Sure is hard to be a princess around here. WELL-BEHAVED WOMEN RARELY MAKE HISTORY *to be enlightened is to be without anxiety over imperfection. Allow myself to find happiness in the only place that it can be found: my real messy, imperfect experience Anon + Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You” Dr. Seuss+ SorryTHX,Forgive,Love+
DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
9/6/08 7:58 P

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I heard you when you said that your husband is not abusive and I hope that everybody understands this now.
What about working through a book together?
Dr.Phil's Relationship Rescue is one possibility, but there are lots of others, and you can usually get workbooks with them too.
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.
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9/6/08 3:03 P

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I agree, therapy is definitely a good idea. keep in mind that althouhgh these things happened close togeyher in time that they may not be related and that you definitely can't be sure of a cause and effect relationship between the two.
To my way of thinking, it is somewhat understandable that your husband may have doubts about your relationship.You told him honestly some things that hurt. However, the wanting to go off and live alone in the wilderness doesn't necessarily flow normally and naturally from the situation. Your husband may be having his own mental health difficulties that are unrelated to you and yours. Good Luck and Best Wishes

SPARKLINGHOPE's Photo SPARKLINGHOPE Posts: 14,711
9/6/08 2:52 P

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If your husband is abusive physically or mentally you may need to do this in separate households until you feel safe. I agree with all perspectives and just shared my personal perspective. My husband did not have an anger problem....I did. Love to all! Be safe and take care of you first is my advice to everyone. emoticon

Becki
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SPARKLINGHOPE's Photo SPARKLINGHOPE Posts: 14,711
9/6/08 2:48 P

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I read the thread after my original thread and this reply is to that post and then I will read on above that post. Counseling would help even if only you go to the counselor and this may help you to present this subject to your husband in a different way in the future. So I say work with each other for now and you go to counseling. In the future he might see changes and want to take the co-counseling step. My husband initially did it for me and then did it for us but it took counseling on my own for a few years before he even saw the value. Seeing is believing and if he sees you growing and changing in ways, he may realize this is a good thing. I had a counselor and when we counseled together we went to a different counselor that wasn't just having all my background. So in other words a neutral counselor. It worked! Best wishes. And now I will read the other posts. Wanted to type this before I forgot my point which I do quite often. emoticon

Becki
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Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny.

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MSMANDEELEI's Photo MSMANDEELEI SparkPoints: (0)
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9/6/08 12:02 P

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No I agree with you guys for the most part. He does want to put in the work, but with me only. He doesn't feel comfortable with someone else being involved probably because he thinks he will be judged by them. He isn't violent towards me and never gets angry with me, he has a severe anger issue towards things like rape for example. I was raped at a younger age and whenever something comes on TV or in a movie about it he will go ballistic and say things about wanting to hurt people who do that kind of thing. So it's kind of hard for me to be upset about it but the anger is so severe it's hard to talk to him when he's that mad. I am a very open person so I don't mind people being direct! That's what I wanted or else I wouldn't have posted to ask for advice. So basically if he is willing to work at it I am going to as well. I feel hopeful but the depression is really sinking in lately. I think I need counseling for my depression as well..

DOWNEASTCAGUN's Photo DOWNEASTCAGUN Posts: 4,055
9/6/08 9:22 A

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your husband SAYS he wants the relationship to continue but will take no productive action to save it? It sounds as if he needs counseling ... perhaps there is someone outside the family who he looks up to, but is NOT an authority figure? You could talk to that person and ask him to talk to your husband (without letting your husband know that YOU talked to this person)?
It sounds to me as if he just wants to wake up one morning and everything will be fixed. that's not very realistic. if he's not up to doing the work needed to keep a relationship alive, any relationship, perhaps his first inclination is the right one.
sorry, but i'm feeling rather direct today. relationships need WORK to stay alive, but BOTH parties have to be OPEN to ideas on how to make it live and WILLING to do the work necessary.

* "Take care. Take comfort. Take courage. Take control. Take JOY wherever you find it." (DEC)*
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." - George Carlin


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GRANDCRACKER's Photo GRANDCRACKER SparkPoints: (0)
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9/6/08 1:53 A

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I WAS MARRIED ONCE TO A MAN FOR 24 YRS.AND HE FELT THE SAME AS YOUR HUSBAND.HE WOULDN;T GO TO COUNSOLING EITHER.HE HAD A ANGER PROBLEM.AT ONE POINT HE HURT ME.AND THREATENED TO KILL ME.AND HE HURT OUR KIDS.THATS PROBLEY WHY HE;S MY EX.
LONG STORY SHORT.I BEGGED HIM TO GO TO COUNSOLING.AND HE DIDN;T.WE LIVED AS STANGER;S FOR 5 YEARS.AND HE WAS ALWAY;S CHEATING.THE LAST STRAW WAS IN THE YEAR 2000.
HON I WISH YOU TO A LOT OF LUCK ;AND I;LL PRAY FOR YOU TO;

HEY DO YOU GO TO CHURCH.IF YOU DO MAYBE YOU CAN TALK T YOUR PASTOR



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MSMANDEELEI's Photo MSMANDEELEI SparkPoints: (0)
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9/6/08 12:09 A

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Well I talked to my husband about all of this tonight.. I showed him this post and all the responses and he didn't really respond well. He said that it will never help because "we don't need to open up any lines of communication because that isn't our problem." "They aren't going to propose anything that's going to be introspective or new and so therefore he believes it will actually only hurt the situation by pissing him off by having someone pretend like they understand our relationship." Those were all his words. He has anger problems with authority figures and people telling him what to do so I kind of saw that coming. He thinks all counselors are the same and have that "holier than thou" attitude and that doesn't work well with his personality. Actually anyone telling him what to do doesn't work well with his personality. So.. is there anyone that thinks that it is possible to work through these things without counseling? I know that it's possible I'm just wondering about personal experiences or what everyone thinks..

SPARKLINGHOPE's Photo SPARKLINGHOPE Posts: 14,711
9/5/08 10:52 P

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Hi Mandee Lei,

I have been married almost 32 years and can understand and have experienced the same thing in my marriage. Marriage is not a straight line, there are ups and downs, zigzags and any other direction. But when when one partner or the other has these feeling it is not as uncommon as you may think. I actually felt this was twice in my marriage and at another time it was my husband who felt this way. Yes counseling for either you or both or you will help. I personally didn't have a 2 parent home from age 11 on and so I didn't know the truths about marriage and how to work through situations. I send best wishes and hope this helped to know there are other couples who are still happily married after experiences similar to what you wrote about. I have even been told marriage is work and I know that to be true. emoticon

Becki
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Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny.

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9/5/08 9:39 P

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I AGREE; YOU BOTH NEED TO GO TO COUNSELING;SO YOU BOTH CAN HEAL. IT;S GOOD YOUR BOTH TALKING.BUT YOU NEED THAT THIRD PERSON.WHO ISN;T INVOLVED.
I WISH YOU BOTH LUCK



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DOWNEASTCAGUN's Photo DOWNEASTCAGUN Posts: 4,055
9/5/08 6:42 P

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Hey, MSMANDEELEI

SUPPORTHARMONY was right on the money. Counseling, both alone, and as a couple, i think is in order. It sounds as if you're both communicating honestly with each other and frankly, your husbands desire "to go live out in the wilderness" sounds a little isolating. If you can both get into therapy, I think you will come out on the other side, better, happier, stronger people who can look forward to a long life together!


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LESLIEJEAN43's Photo LESLIEJEAN43 Posts: 36,212
9/5/08 2:16 P

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Hi Mandee Lei,
I really agree with the idea of having you both together in counselling!
You hurt your husband very badly, though unintentionally, and he has withdrawn, but now says he wants a relationship with you. I really think you need an objective third party for you both to talk to so that your marriage can heal and move forward.
I certainly understand how hard it is to keep a relationship going through bad depressive episodes; I have lost a few myself..
This is a very caring and supportive group, and I'm sure you will get more feedback.
Leslie emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
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LISE58 Posts: 81
9/5/08 1:26 P

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Hi MSMANDEELEI. I have no advice but you know what? You've got a lot of friends here that will listen to you, feel empathetic towards your plight and send you hugs and prayers. My partner is a wonderful man but dealing with my mood swings he becomes like a two year old wanting more, more and saying no, no, to my desire to isolate and the death of intimacy in every sense of the word. When I'm feeling depressed and vulnerable I get super defensive and angry and 'remind' him that he knew what he was getting into - I had warned him many times when we were dating. So it's one day at a time. I think I'm learning to 'behave' when depression sets in by keeping my thoughts to myself because a lot of the time I forget to remember that it's the disease talking. A lot of times I, too, question if I've always been this isolated, paranoid, angry, resentful, frigid woman just waiting to be set free who just pretends to be well-balanced, loving and full of life. NO, NO!!!! That's just the brain malfunctioning for the moment. Soon, I will be the true me again, even if it's only for a couple of days, discovering new things everyday and being amazed by them. I wish you strength and the knowledge of how wonderful a woman you are. Take care of you. emoticon

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SUPPORTHARMONY's Photo SUPPORTHARMONY Posts: 242
9/5/08 1:04 P

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Hi there...I really feel for you. The things that pop up in my head after reading your post are:

1. You should both get into counseling. Since he does want to have that connection with you, and you want to have that connection with him, it is well worth getting some help together. It sounds like he has some issues going on as well, especially since he stated that he feels detached from society and wants to live alone in the wilderness.

2. Things don't go back to the way they "used to be." Relationships constantly evolve, and so do you. You change a little with each passing experience, and so does your husband. This is not a bad thing, as long as you seek guidance for the things that hold you back from being happy.

3. It's great that you two are communicating openly. Keep it up and meet with a counselor. You can salvage your marriage, I'm sure of it! :)

Peace,
Harmony






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MSMANDEELEI's Photo MSMANDEELEI SparkPoints: (0)
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9/5/08 12:54 P

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Well I had been making a little progress with my depression and some other things I had been struggling with. I had a breakdown several months ago and was extremely confused about everything. I feel disconnected from my husband and from life all together. When I told him about it, and about not being sure why we got married at all as our relationship would be the same either way, he was devastated. He was very hurt understandably. I started to really think and question everything. I found myself falling in love with him all over again. I remembered all the reasons I had fallen for him to begin with, and really started to value commitment and devotion to my marriage. I honestly felt more connected to him than I had ever felt to anyone. Then.. he started to become a bit distant from me. I thought he was just stressed from work. But last night he told me finally that he no longer feels the same connection to me, maybe feels like he is falling out of love with me. He wants our relationship to be different [more spontaneous foreplay and less sex to be very honest as well as wanting me to pay more attention to some of his needs like wanted to be rubbed back after he gives me long rubs.] All of what he wanted made sense.. I want all of those things too. I very well know I can be all those things and have it in me.. but he says he thinks it's just not a part of my personality. That's like telling me I am a failure and there is nothing I can do to make it any better. He talks about wanting to live alone in the wilderness because he feels detached from society. He talked about not wanting to look back and regret anything because he is young now and this is his chance to experience life. To me it all sounded a lot like rejection. I really broke down. Hard. I couldn't force myself to eat anything all night and had to take sleeping pills to fall asleep. I woke up crying this morning. I really want to make my marriage work but being a negative thinker and extremely depressed person I feel like it's all working against me. Everything he said just keeps repeating in my head over and over. I'm scared. He said today he is not sure if he can ever be the person he used to, the person so in love with me that would do anything to keep me. He said he doesn't know if he can be that person but that he wants to. That he wants things to be how they were.. so at the same time I do feel some kind of hope? I am so confused. I really don't know what to do. I just don't understand how I could feel so connected to someone that was drifting away.. How? Was I lying to myself? I have no friends that I can talk to so I really need some advice here. Anyone have ANY advice at all?? Please help..

Edited by: MSMANDEELEI at: 9/5/2008 (12:54)
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