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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
8/26/08 7:32 P

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so grateful to read what others go through w/their kids. I have one wonderful teenage boy who will be driving on his own w/in a few months. His father died over 3 years ago. I was always the overprotective mom until his dad died and I started to give him some breathing room...let him learn to make his own decisions/encourage him when he doubted himself/lead him in the healthiest direction but let him dabble w/drama and some poor choices. He told me that he'd take care of me when I am older. 'Great! You have at least 40 years before I'll need to call on you, so please plan to get out there and build a nice life for yourself!' That blew him away a little. So, he is slowly and reasonably planning his own future.
bluebrit, it's probably very different raising boys than girls, but, altho it's been said before, I really believe that if you give your daughter the time she needs to build her own life, she will come back to you in her own time and place. My mother never let go of controlling me. My relationship w/my son is so much more healthy, loving and considerate than mine w/my own mother. I really stay distant w/my mom because she knows no boundaries. Your daughter sounds like a very sophisticated, intelligent, worthwhile person. You have done well in raising her. When she comes calling, give her your undivided attention w/o the guilt/encourage her independence. You don't want to be abused and she probably doesn't want to abuse you. Don't focus on the negative and don't pursue her, give her some space so she can control the relationship a little until she feels more friendly. Good luck!

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PLATINUM755's Photo PLATINUM755 SparkPoints: (629,987)
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8/19/08 6:48 P

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BLUEBRIT, you are a masterpiece in progress. Being aware of your emotions is a great start, but don't let your emotions control you. Just as you have chosen to build a healthier lifestyle for yourself, choose to continue moving forward. Journal your feelings it may help, go for a walk as long as you are pacing, and a soak in the tub. Give you...and your daughter...some time and space to step away from the emotions.

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.

Mistakes are the portals of discovery.

Don't be afraid to give your best at what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.


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LAURIE1076's Photo LAURIE1076 Posts: 4,597
8/19/08 6:05 P

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Of course your upset. Your a mom who has been a big participant in your daughters life. Now she is being independant like she doesnt need you.
I promise this is a passing thing. With 3 daughters myself I have learned, but it is still painful.
She does need you. She will always be your little girl but for right now she wants to do this on her own.
Try to stop pacing and know this is a stage and she does love you. Go soak in a hot tub, have a cup of tea...something for you.

Being a parent is a the hardest thing I have ever done....but you do survive.

Hugs
Laurie

Laurie

I have not failed until I have given up!

I cannot change where I have been but I can change where I am going.


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8/19/08 3:08 P

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On the way home, she actually seemed to be trying to pick a fight with me but I just changed the subject. She soon gave up when she realized that she wasn't going to get a fight back. The whole thing has just stunned me and I'm pacing the floors AGAIN all night even though you've all given me great advice. I can't help but be upset by this.

Had a surgery in July. The weight has been creeping up on me since then. Think I was nervous about exercising. Not an excuse. Seriously was worried about damaging myself. Lost 100lbs back in 2009....20lbs back in past 3 1/2 months. Gotta get active....
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8/19/08 1:30 P

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BLUEBRIT, I could agree with everyone more...Jodi summed it up beautifully..."Parenthood is not for wusses." I hope you gave yourself a few big hugs and a lot of smiles. KUDOS on how your handled it!

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.

Mistakes are the portals of discovery.

Don't be afraid to give your best at what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.


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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
8/17/08 9:42 P

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Some of my teenage students thought that having a baby would give them someone who would love them.
I used to tell them that you are not ready to be a parent until you could handle having your child yell, "I hate you!" and not back down or break down, because it is practically inevitable that at one time or another, it will happen.
So OK, for most of us it happens when they are toddlers, but your Jenna must be making up for lost time!
I'm sure that it hurt you to hear her say that, but none of us are perfect parents, and our kids generally expect us to be.
The bright side is that she felt comfortable enough with you now to discuss it, and she spoke of it in the past tense, so you know that she has been coming to terms with it.
Parenthood is not for wusses! You did well to handle that the way that you did.
Jodi


My blog for women with depression is:
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8/16/08 2:54 P

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BLUEBRIT, it seems your are doing great with your daughter... I have been told that parenting our adult children can be just as challenging or more so than when they were little....

I was and remain a major 'daddy's girl' and when the princess-to-be would/could twist the Royal Consort around her little finger.... Once I called my mother to complain---- and all my mother did was chuckle and say: Yes I know exactly what you mean/how you feel.... emoticon ... it was her way of saying HER daughter did the same things..... well, I don't remember ME being that way emoticon

OK, OK, before WOWEETOO and SEE 'EM HORSES report that I remain a spoiled little girl, I will admit that I am....

ANYWAY, I have learned that my place as a mom with a couple of the older rugrats is staying out of the way--- and then getting fussed at when I stay out of the way for too long... etc... AND now I am getting lectures about me from the royal rugrats....

BLUEBRIT, please forgive my ADD moment.... sen (the D key ain't working) you an yours positive thoughts...

Terri, Princess of the Terri-tory~~Sure is hard to be a princess around here. WELL-BEHAVED WOMEN RARELY MAKE HISTORY *to be enlightened is to be without anxiety over imperfection. Allow myself to find happiness in the only place that it can be found: my real messy, imperfect experience Anon + Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You” Dr. Seuss+ SorryTHX,Forgive,Love+
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8/16/08 2:25 P

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yep that's what kids do (they are always our "kids") and it's time to fly and wow was i ever sad..i used to live only 30 minutes from him and i never got to see him but now that i live all the way across the country i hear from him and i go visit and am the sole center of attention for several weeks and that does it it assures me he is on the right track and i can go home and RELAX did he hate me yeah but you just have to let that go and chalk it up to stress of the new flying chick she MADE it and you were therer for her when she needed it or she would not have been nearly as successful so pat yourself on the back and go on worrying but time it 15 minutes at a time and go on YOU DID GOOD BRIT!!!! hugs and love mary

TODAY IS LIFE THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL

there is no cause when there is no effect km

i can do that, but not on a tuesday
for that is my day of thrust in the opposite direction -
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last is just the slowest winner. c.hunter boyd

people often say that motivation doesn't last. well neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily. zig ziglar

if i stitch fast enough do


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8/16/08 2:12 P

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Thank you. You have been a huge help to me. She knows I love her. I must say it in emails 20 times a day and she tells me she loves me on the cell or email. I'll just take a step back.

Had a surgery in July. The weight has been creeping up on me since then. Think I was nervous about exercising. Not an excuse. Seriously was worried about damaging myself. Lost 100lbs back in 2009....20lbs back in past 3 1/2 months. Gotta get active....
LAURIE1076's Photo LAURIE1076 Posts: 4,597
8/16/08 2:05 P

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Well that could very well be the reason why your daugter doesnt want you to approach her professors.

When my oldest was 18 she left home angry. I was completely devastated at her leaving our home and even slept in her bed. It was a horrible time for me, but I suppose it wasnt much fun for her either. She said she hated me. I was feeling like the worst mom ever.

A few months later we started speaking again, but I suppose it was a few years when I asked her..."When you left home did you know that I loved you every minute of every day?"
She smiled and said, "Yes, and I hated you for it"

I suppose what I am trying to say is that your daugghter loves you very much. But this is HER time. For whatever reasons she wants...maybe she NEEDS to do this on her own.

Be proud of her, as I know you are. Tell her you love and support her and will give her the space she needs. I will tell you it will be a good thing. You have taught her and raised her to be a responsible young woman.

I know how hard it is to see your beautiful daughter grow wings...now you have to let her fly.

Bless you on this new adventure.

Laurie

Laurie

I have not failed until I have given up!

I cannot change where I have been but I can change where I am going.


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8/16/08 2:04 P

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BLUE, I cannot give advice about children, only Jack Russells & horses, but I can say I am sorry that you were hurt by what she said.
emoticon

"There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. "Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled." Author Unknown
BETHECHANGE's Photo BETHECHANGE Posts: 3,666
8/16/08 1:59 P

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I agree, you have to give her space. I've been told that letting your children go can be very hard. (although right now, I'd give anything to let one of my children go.....LOL). I can't imagine what it would be like to have grown children and watching them make mistakes, and having to let them do it. UGGGHHHH. At least your daughter is excelling at what she is doing and you can be so proud of her. She is making her way in this world dispite losing a father. Congrats to her.

Tami

"If you're going through hell, keep going"--Winston Churchill
Be not afraid of going slowly, be afraid of standing still. --Chinese proverb
Even the darkest hour only has 60 minutes--Morris Mandel
Sometimes a door opens and a human being becomes a way for grace to come through. Rumi


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8/16/08 1:50 P

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Thank you. Your advice was what I needed to hear. Jenna is 23 and a wonderful daughter so it tore my insides apart when she told me about 'hating me'. I will respect her privacy and stay away from her professors. If they approach me, I'll have to make a mad dash to the bathroom. Her Step-father (her father was killed in 1984 by a drunk driver), is a bit on the strange side. Rebound marriage I've been told. Only married 2 1/2 years. Had Nikki with him. He gets very nervous when he speaks and also has a nervous laugh so I can understand Jenna not wanting him to speak to her professors.
I also have another daughter Nikki who is 21. She is a correctional officer. Two totally different personalities.

Had a surgery in July. The weight has been creeping up on me since then. Think I was nervous about exercising. Not an excuse. Seriously was worried about damaging myself. Lost 100lbs back in 2009....20lbs back in past 3 1/2 months. Gotta get active....
LAURIE1076's Photo LAURIE1076 Posts: 4,597
8/16/08 12:15 P

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What can be more confusing than a child? Even one that is an adult and in college.
I have 4 kids and each one with a different personality.
You have to give her the space she has asked for and not talk to her professors. Of course if she were not doing well and you are paying for school that would be different...but she is excelling and sounds like she has her head on straight with her education.

My oldest (twin daugters) are 28 now and I am finally feeling like I am able to have a good relationship with them as they have matured and are knowing how hard it is to be a mom. (They each have 3 kids and work)

My youngest is 22 and still trying to find her way. I have to give her the space she needs right now. My son is in the USMC and is the easy kid to be around.

Good luck. I am sure you will get some good responses on here.

Laurie

Laurie

I have not failed until I have given up!

I cannot change where I have been but I can change where I am going.


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8/16/08 11:13 A

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I spent the day with Jenna yesterday. She just got home from Mexico. We were in a restaurant when she informed me that she had hated me for months when she went to her first year at the U of Hartford in CT. Well, I was blown away and asked her why. Her boyfriend was also going there and apparently, I said to his mum, "I hope this won't be too much for Jenna because she has panic attacks". Which she does. Number one, I don't remember saying it. Number 2, I had no idea that she went through school hating her own mother. Zinger number three, she now goes to college in Mississippi and when she graduates next year, she's been told she has won a lot of top awards for all of her field work in the Amazon, Equador, Mexico etc. She's a very smart girl. But she said to me, "I don't want you or dad speaking to my professors". I asked her why and she said, "I JUST DON'T". So I'm wondering if she's embarrassed by me or what. I'm a very educated woman and know how to present myself. Just really confused right now.

Had a surgery in July. The weight has been creeping up on me since then. Think I was nervous about exercising. Not an excuse. Seriously was worried about damaging myself. Lost 100lbs back in 2009....20lbs back in past 3 1/2 months. Gotta get active....
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