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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
7/18/08 3:46 P

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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and
snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.

At 9 P.M ...

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.. You got pregnant last night.'


It's Only Temporary

Member of:

JW's On the Narrow Path Teams

'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


 current weight: 230.0 
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SUNGLORRY's Photo SUNGLORRY SparkPoints: (0)
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Posts: 5,104
7/14/08 9:16 A

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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin His reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she Would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed And watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send lots of extra sauce.

Kelly

5% Goal is 16
10% Goal is 34
15% Goal is 50
20% Goal is 67
25% Goal is 84
30% Goal is 100
35% Goal is 117
40.3% Target goal is 135


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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
7/12/08 11:07 P

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Kids Are Quick



____________________________________



TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria

________________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

________________________________________
__

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

________________________________________
____

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

________________________________________
__


TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________



TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

______________________________________



TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________



TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

__________________________________



It's Only Temporary

Member of:

JW's On the Narrow Path Teams

'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


 current weight: 230.0 
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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
6/26/08 4:13 P

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Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

It's Only Temporary

Member of:

JW's On the Narrow Path Teams

'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


 current weight: 230.0 
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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
6/25/08 9:17 P

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BELIEVE it or not ,
These are Nashville, TN's REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me b efore and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher : 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No!
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

=



It's Only Temporary

Member of:

JW's On the Narrow Path Teams

'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


 current weight: 230.0 
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KURRO07's Photo KURRO07 Posts: 618
6/23/08 10:39 P

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LMAO! That one is awesome!

http://www.pltreasures.com (my online store of handmade items)

http://www.icanhascheezburger.com
(lolcats)
SUNGLORRY's Photo SUNGLORRY SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (11,411)
Posts: 5,104
6/23/08 3:07 P

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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where They spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

Kelly

5% Goal is 16
10% Goal is 34
15% Goal is 50
20% Goal is 67
25% Goal is 84
30% Goal is 100
35% Goal is 117
40.3% Target goal is 135


 current weight: 221.6 
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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
6/15/08 2:09 P

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A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE
IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES
TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS,
AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID
FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT
SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES,
'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL,
I'M GOING TO TORONTO ,
AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE'.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT
AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT
THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO
SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY,
AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE
AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE
SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL
HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES,
'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL,
I'M GOING TO TORONTO ,
AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE'.

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE
PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING
WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE
WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE?
I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED
TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE'.
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND
WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS,
'OH, I'M SORRY,' AND GETS UP AND GOES
BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT
ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID
TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

'I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ' .


It's Only Temporary

Member of:

JW's On the Narrow Path Teams

'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


 current weight: 230.0 
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LEELLEN5's Photo LEELLEN5 Posts: 87
6/15/08 10:39 A

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That was a good one even my daughter who is a blonde understood it.. lol

I can do all thing with the help of the Lord.


 current weight: 178.0 
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DLSARMYWIFE's Photo DLSARMYWIFE Posts: 534
6/12/08 12:08 A

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That was FUNNY!

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes
Because that is the doorway to her heart.
The place where love lies.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
---I believe this quote is attributed to Audrey Hepburn but I'm not sure.
www.dlsarmywife.etsy.com


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KURRO07's Photo KURRO07 Posts: 618
6/11/08 11:03 P

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lolz! That is awesome!

http://www.pltreasures.com (my online store of handmade items)

http://www.icanhascheezburger.com
(lolcats)
ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
6/11/08 6:37 P

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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow

$5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for
The loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.
She has the Title, and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at
The blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 Loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the
bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the
Interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your
Business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
Little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that
You are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The blonde replies, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car
For two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'

AT LAST, a smart blonde joke!



It's Only Temporary

Member of:

JW's On the Narrow Path Teams

'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


 current weight: 230.0 
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170
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