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MOUNTAINS2CLIMB's Photo MOUNTAINS2CLIMB Posts: 2,989
5/16/13 10:14 A

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Seems to me you did a GREAT job on putting a positive spin on things. How can she argue with you saying she raised her son to be a wonderful human being?? So, I agree with the others. You cannot control how others feel or what they say, only how you feel and what you say. Know that you did your best with the situation, and if she has anything else to say, it should be said to her son...

Kristi
"Perseverance is not a long race, it is many short races one after another." Walter Elliot

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JENSHAINES's Photo JENSHAINES Posts: 9,291
5/15/13 10:59 A

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I had the same response as both Amber and Carol Jean.

She raised him, he's her son, if she has a problem with his behavior she should talk to him, not you.

And yes, we can't control their responses, just ours.

Yay YOU for trying to put a positive spin on it! Woohoo!

Jen or MiJen
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AMBERZADE67's Photo AMBERZADE67 SparkPoints: (16,581)
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5/14/13 8:09 A

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LOL I had nicknamed my son 'ungrateful schmuck' because he called me over and over again while he was doing his taxes to ask me if he was a dependent last year. My response to him was, 'Did you pay any bills?' Still ... he asked me AGAIN. This tiny little incident stood out in my mind and made me feel as though he really didn't have any idea what it was like to NOT be a dependent. Well ... calling him an ungrateful schmuck (really behind his back) wasn't my best moment even if it did make me laugh.

I do actually agree with you, we have to at one point accept people for who they are, and take the good with the bad. If the bad is an issue, as it might be on a 5 year anniversary, then you don't wait for someone else to do something, but do something yourself. You know what I mean, you would make the big deal - sort of training.

However, the most interesting part of your story is that your Mother in Law raised him. His behavior during special occasions is at least in part, due to the environment she created while he was growing up. That was part of my frustration with my son. I knew that somehow, I'd neglected to make him aware that he doesn't pay rent, pay for his food, pay for the utilities, or really pay for anything except PART of the car insurance for the car which he drove every day last year. That was my mistake I felt.

.... and so ... really.... who should your Mother in law be looking at or talking to when her son, even though he is grown, isn't behaving in a way she deems appropriate ... if I was her I'd have to at least wonder if I made these things important or explained that woman/people like to have these occasions recognized. LOL

Great job doing the best in a difficult situation. Tact is not my middle name - I don't think I would have done as well. lol

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MAJONES1225's Photo MAJONES1225 Posts: 6,855
5/13/13 11:07 P

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I agree with what everyone has said. You did a good job and no matter how negative others are just stay in your happy place. They will catch on. The key is to stay positive and work on you.

"Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still."


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LADYIRISH317's Photo LADYIRISH317 Posts: 56,307
5/13/13 9:38 P

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One of the most difficult lessons I'm having to learn is that you can't control how others react. She actually sounds quite a lot like my MIL. It also sounds as though this is nothing new coming for her. Just keep saying, "uh-huh" and try to tune her out (MUCH easier to say than to do, I know).

"...there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."

"We're children of a fighting race that never yet has known disgrace." (The Soldiers' Song, Irish national anthem)

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WHITEANGEL4's Photo WHITEANGEL4 SparkPoints: (439,772)
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5/13/13 5:41 P

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Know just how you feel with the MIL thing. I have had to walk on egg shells for the 35 years I have been with Hubby. MIL has never accepted me for taking her only child. No one would have met her standards regardless. But Hubby will tell me to say what I feel when she gets started, but I know that will only put him in a bad position. When she was here with us this weekend, Hubby made lthe remark to me that I hardly said anything to anyone. I told hime that I knew every time I open my mount th say something she twist it into something other than what it is. It is just as well that I not say anything. She got on the subject of our eating habits telling me she knew that we ate all the wrong foods and use too much salt and just do not control this part of our lives. Well, I was just about to open my mouth when Hubby spoke up and informed her that we ate a healthy diet and that personally, we eat fresh or frozen fruits and veggies and that we have not had any products in our home in years that are loaded with preservatives, etc. He told her he dwas an expert at reading labels and that if he could not pronouce an ingredient, it was not put in our buggy. I was amazed at the look on her face. She was not expecting him to defend me on this. My heart had a big leap at that moment, because I have not heard him disagree with his mother. His idea is to just let it pass as we arfe not around her that much. He told her we eat a much healtier diet than they do as they follow those diets that the doctor has given them with all the products that are not real but a long list of ingredients that haves no food value, etc.

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CAROLJEAN64's Photo CAROLJEAN64 Posts: 13,014
5/13/13 2:48 P

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You did a wonderful job of putting a positive spin on MIL's comments. Now the challenge is to remember you can only change your response to her, not hers to you.

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SNIC23's Photo SNIC23 SparkPoints: (23,697)
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5/13/13 2:30 P

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Sometimes we just have to accept that not everybody in our lives is going to be happy in spite of our best efforts. You did the best you could, and kudos for that! She's probably hurt and unhappy because she's feeling forgotten and it is NOT your fault.

In my life when I have negative people around I find a way to avoid them or tune them out. It was difficult at first but eventually removing those people from my life paid off and I now live 99.99% drama free! I realize this isn't possible or even preferable for everyone, but for me removing just a few negative forces made a huge a positive difference.

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JESSERMOVICK's Photo JESSERMOVICK SparkPoints: (9,717)
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5/13/13 10:13 A

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It makes me so frustrated, I just want to hit the fridge for snackage. Yesterday was Mother's Day. I accepted the family's weaknesses, and embraced their strengths, making the most of my day. I thought I did well, until....

I posted belated mother's day wishes to all Facebook friends. Husband's mother was on the attack immediately. Commenting on my status that she was upset that the Hubby did not even wish her a happy mom day, and how would I have felt, etc. That is how the husband is. He does not do that sort of thing. If you want a big deal made over a holiday, you have to really push him until he runs out at the last minute and does something about it.

He did not do anything for our 5 year anniversary, why??? Because I did not make a big deal about it. No gifts, no dinner or date night. She KNOWS how he is, and still she attacks me about it..... I should have let it drop and let her be negative, but oh no. .Mrs. Positive pants here, decided to try to spin her negative into a positive. (This woman probably hates me now).

I told her I would feel very grateful if my daughter ended up as well raised as my husband was, to not drink, do drugs, to live for her family the way he does and never ask anything in return- EVEN IF SHE NEVER CALLED TO SAY HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! Knowing I raised her to be such a great person would be enough for me... oops. Instead of making it positive, I appear to have put a giant BEE in the In-Laws bonnet!

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