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GARDENCHRIS's Photo GARDENCHRIS Posts: 24,696
7/23/12 10:28 P

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WELL YOU HAVE THAT RIGHT !!! They are telling themselves it REALLY is chip and dip! and they wonder why we won't eat it!

Edited by: GARDENCHRIS at: 7/23/2012 (22:29)


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7/23/12 4:40 P

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Good one, Chris! emoticon

Our biggest problem today, though, is that too many people don't notice the bad taste! emoticon

~Ron

"You run one time, you got yourself a set of chains. You run twice you got yourself two sets. You ain't gonna need no third set, 'cause you gonna get your mind right." ... (The Captain in "Cool Hand Luke")



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7/23/12 3:04 P

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Love, love, loved the toothbrush joke.....errr....um.....story. Sadly, it's too true to be funny.

If you want to win anything- a race, yourself, your life- you have to go a little berserk. George Sheehan

"You can't cross a sea by merely standing and staring at the water. Rabindranath Tagore



GARDENCHRIS's Photo GARDENCHRIS Posts: 24,696
7/22/12 10:32 P

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so glad I was able to assist you in your exercises today! emoticon



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7/22/12 9:43 P

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I'm sorry Chris, I didn't think the joke was funny at all emoticon

Rather, I found it hilarious! I fell out of my chair, laughing. I laughed so hard and so long that my DW came in to see what was what. All I could do was point.

For her to laugh at a political joke, which, in this case she did, it has to be really, really funny.

Oh ..... my. I don't need to think of doing any core exercises tomorrow - and probably can't - my stomach muscles are so sore from laughing .....

Bless you dear lady.

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GARDENCHRIS's Photo GARDENCHRIS Posts: 24,696
7/22/12 12:15 P

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a funny joke!

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.


Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
salesmanship.


Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said
proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and
I credit that approach for my obvious success."


"Very good", said the teacher.


Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I
explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."


"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.


Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little
Johnny walked to the front of the
classroom and dumped a box full of cash on
the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.


"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"


Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How
could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &
Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."


They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would
say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama
method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you
it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."


Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart.






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7/19/12 1:38 P

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Being paranoid doesn't mean that no one is out to get you - just that you are being watchful!

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7/19/12 10:50 A

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Yep, Popeye, a bedroom is a logical place for a weapon or two, however, we're getting a tad older and slower. Personally, I like to keep a piece within eight to ten paces of wherever I am in the house. Fortunately, I live in a smaller house ... less than 2000 ft2. Yes, the weapons are safely (but readily) stored, and I'm well aware of grandkids and safety. I'm just kinda paranoid.
emoticon
~Ron

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7/14/12 5:36 P

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It does and I have one. I'm not sure how fast I would be able to react to what was essentially a blind-sided home invasion, especially since my storage area of choice is in our bedroom.

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7/14/12 4:40 P

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Funny!

I think any of those Smith & Wesson Model 1911 pistols would make a nice anniversary gift and can be used with or without a defib.

www.thegunsource.com/productlist-738
8/
Smith_Wesson_1911_Pistol.aspx


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GARDENCHRIS's Photo GARDENCHRIS Posts: 24,696
7/14/12 1:39 P

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It was in NO way meant to make fun of people with heart conditions believe me it was just a funny story..... we want you around with us for many more years! What would we do with out your snarky dry wit??!?!? emoticon



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7/14/12 1:15 P

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With my youngest son being with the Kansas City PD, I was able to be present at a demonstration of the use of the Taser. After the class and with the serious (if non-lethal) aspects of the basics of the weapon we went outside to a "demonstration" area.

The taser was used at a distance of 10 feet on an officer who was a weapons instructor and "volunteer". When he was zapped, he jumped about three feet and fell to the ground, twitching and jerking. It took him about 15 minutes to return to a human state where he was able to make understandable conversation.

With a defibrillator wired directly into my heart, I decided then and there that the first thing I would tell an officer if I was ever stopped is that I had a poor heart with a pacemaker/defibrillator wired straight to my heart.

When I lived in Nevada for a year, the police burst into a house (wrong address) to rescue a supposed victim of spousal abuse. When the old man (older than me) protested and tried to keep the police out of the bedroom where his wife was, they tasered him with three, one-second bursts. He collapsed, his heart stilled forever. By the time the police realized they had the wrong house, he was beyond the point where he might be revived.

The officers involved were from a special team with both city police and Clark County Sheriffs involved. His family sued each officer directly, the city and the county.

The city settled for $2 million, the county for $3 million and each officer was suspended for a year and assessed a penalty of $50,000. Additionally, the 911 operator was fired after the tapes revealed she had received the right address, even wrote it down correctly, before making the call where she gave the special team the wrong address.

Though financially secure in her retirement, I can't help but believe she would have rather had her husband of 51 years alive and with her.

I'll admit this is a funny story, but the ignoramus deserved what he got. He's just lucky his heart was in good shape.

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GARDENCHRIS's Photo GARDENCHRIS Posts: 24,696
7/14/12 10:49 A

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I laughed so hard I cried!


ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket
Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol
& Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th
anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife
Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized
Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be
short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the
device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button.. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned,
however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to
explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA
batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such
a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank
top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my
nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be
wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little
device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and
thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond
description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on
with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,'
reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second
burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed
the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the
side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on
the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on
my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst
when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered
conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I
had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and
about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was
gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!


PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my
experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being
stupid!!!!






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