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Canonical List of Cross-Industry, LEB*,
Configuration Management, Person-Power Requirements
Last updated: 2011-06-03, 12:42:38
* LEB -- light-emitting bulb
--
Q: How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: (((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))...
--
Q: How many of Charley Rose's guests does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: It depends on whether they try to talk while they're attempting
replacement. We just don't know how many people that Charley can
interrupt at one time. SWAG, upwards of 10!
--
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Three. One to do it, one to supervise, and the third to
shoot any potential witnesses.
--
Q: How many FEMA managers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: No number of FEMA managers (as long as George Whitebread
Bush is allegedly President) can, accomplish anything, let
alone, reconfigure a technological marvel, such as an LEB.
However, eventually they can piss off enough Cajuns,
Rednecks, and poor African Americans that they can screw in
the bulb, while FEMA is screwing them.
--
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: How many can you afford?
A2: Lawyers don't change bulbs ... but, if you're looking for
someone to really screw a bulb ...
--
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
--
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to
try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already
burned out).
--
Q: Do you know how many Jazz musicians it takes to change a
light bulb?
A: No, big daddy, like hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
--
Q: How many Dick Cheneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ...!
A2: "Zero! But all proceedings of the 'US Strategic LEB
Configuration Management Committee' will be kept secret. Now,
we know the cynical, liberal press among you will be tracking
contracts and profits at Halliburton, but ... "
A3: That depends. Is he holding a hunting rifle?
--
Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might
enter the room who wants to sit in the dark.
--
Q: How many aides does it take to change W's light bulb?
A: None. He's such a dim bulb, no one ever notices it's out.
--
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daddddy!"
--
Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! Fer sure.
--
Q: How many fruit flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Fruit flies don't screw in light bulbs they screw in
fruit.
--
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three.
- One to report it as an inspired government program
to bring light to the people,
- One to report it as a diabolical government plot to
deprive the poor of darkness, and
- One to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric
Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in
the first place.
--
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
--
Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy.
--
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old
one to go back on.
--
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the
dark...")
--
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
--
Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit
from the moment they began screwing.
--
Q: How many Wharton MBAs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, if you hire him. He can actually change the light
bulb by myself. As you can see from his resume, he's had
extensive experience changing light bulbs in his previous
positions. He's also been named to the Wharton Light Bulb
list, and is presently a teaching assistant for LEB
Management 666.
--
Q: How many B-school doctoral students does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take awhile. Completion of theses
generally takes five years. Even then, one never knows how
much productivity ...
--
Q: How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Smash it!
--
Q: How many college football players does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for
it!
--
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!
--
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in; and two to talk about how much
better it is than with a man.
--
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
--
Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One and a half.
--
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!
--
Q: How man Homeland Security VIPs does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A1: We could tell you but then we'd have to kill you.
A2: We can tell you, but first you have to answer a few of our
questions:
1. What is the current security alert status?
2. What is the color of the light bulb?
3. What's the availability of high-thermal-tolerance duct
tape?
4. Are you an "Evil Doer", or A Republican?
--
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.
--
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
--
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
--
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to
give it a surprising twist at the end.
--
Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who says it's dark?
--
Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least three.
--
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
A2: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
--
Q: How many US Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50. One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.
Semper fi!
--
Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain
how to do it.
--
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to
replace a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
--
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the
martinis.
--
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to
relate to the experience.
--
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A1: Just one. He gives it to the Californians, for whom a
solution is known to exist.
A2: In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician
can change a light bulb.
If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more
simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have
changed the light bulb.
Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers,
n mathematicians can change a light bulb.
Bibliography:
[1] Wiener, Matthew P., 11485@ucbvax, Re: YALBJ, 1986
--
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to fend off the
Californians who have come up to share the experience.
A2: Indeterminate. Oregonians are often electrocuted changing
lightbulbs either due to chort circuits caused by rain, or
due to suicidal predipositions, also due to chronic rain.
--
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None of your damn business!
--
Q1: How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: 50.
Q2: 50?
A2: Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.
Q3: Mac, ya' got a problem with that?
--
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
--
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Three. One to write the light bulb removal program, One to
write the light bulb insertion program, and a concurrent
administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change
the bulb at the same time.
--
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves
around him.
--
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Both of them.
--
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A0: [Zen Masters -- like Real Programmers -- know where to start
counting.] Zero. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen
master stays out of the way.
A1: Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A2: Four. One to screw in the light bulb.
--
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
--
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about
how good the old light bulb was.
--
Q: How many porno starlets does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Porn stars have screwed in a lot of places, but I doubt
they've ever been screwed in a light bulb!
--
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a lot of light bulbs!
--
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
--
Q: How many client-centered therapists does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
--
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number
to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.
--
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as
the first one.
--
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"
--
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three publications out of it.
--
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third
to shoot the witness.
--
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
--
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
--
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
--
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to
get it done.
--
Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to
do it.
--
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)
--
Q: How many Lech Walesas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes
on strike!
--
Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a
hot tub.
--
Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
--
Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out
from under him.
--
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
--
Q: How many HP engineers does it take to change a light bulb.
A: None. Real soon now, HP (previously known as -- OPCRU --
Over-Priced Print Cartridges aRe Us) is releasing their
eternal LED lighting system.
--
Q: How many EEs does it take to change a lightbulb?
[EEs == electrical engineers]
A: None: "We'll fix it in software."
Q2: How many software engineers does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A2: None: "We'll document it in the manual."
Q3: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A3: None: "The user can work it out."
--
Q: How many FSE's does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
[FSE == field service engineer]
A1: Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
A2: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in.
--
Q: How many IBM customers are needed to change a lightbulb?
A: None to change the bulb. But, hundreds to create enough
earnings to afford the entry-level IBM EBRS (Enterprise Bulb
Reconfiguration System) 6391. And then, hundreds more to
afford the upgrades that will actually make the system
usable.
--
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number
GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System
Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only:
"This page intentionally left blank"
and 20% of the remaining text is of the form:
"A BEMSHLUPERCIC consists of sequences of non-blank
characters separated by blanks".
--
Q: How many corporate board meetings does it take to get a
light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is
incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will
be continued next week. Meanwhile, ...
--
Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There's a primitive for that.
--
Q: How man SCO lawyers [redundancy] does it take to change a
light bulb?
A1: None. SCO lawyers only believe in heat, not light.
A2: None. Light bulb changing is part of the copyright UNIX
source code, and you will have to pay SCO $19.95 every time
you change a bulb.
--
Q: How many [ethnics] does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
A2: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
--
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what
to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
--
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the
lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of
subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity
reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
-----
-----
As you're probably aware economists vary greatly in their
projected opinions of the manpower required to do almost
anything, but most especially their personal involvement in
actual work. This section is devoted to them, bless their dark
little alleged science.
-----
-----
Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would
have already done it.
--
Q: How many neo-classical economists does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: It depends on the wage rate.
--
Q: How many Republican economists does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: First, Republicans (economists or not) do not change light
bulbs.
Second, they're not going to pay to have any light bulbs
changed until there's a light bulb depletion allowance
allocated to households with more than 50 light fixtures,
and income in excess of the GDP of Lichtenstein.
Third, since these self-same Republican light fixtures never
have plebian screw-bulbs in them, the tax laws for light
bulb will have to define a light bulb to light-tube changing
equivalency, on the order of 1 to 10.
Only then can the economy be stimulated to keep Republican
Presidents from being perceived as the dim bulbs, that the
light of day so clearly reflects they are.
The function that maps the combined tax breaks to the net of
this list, is, in fact, the only valid "'Laugher' Curve".
--
Q: How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a
light bulb?
A: All. Because then you will generate employment, more
consumption, dislocating the AD (agg. demand) to the
right,...
--
Q: How many central bank economists does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
A: Just one -- he holds the lightbulb and the whole earth
revolves around him.
--
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None -- the bulb contains within it the seeds of its own
revolution.
--
Q: How many environmental economists does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: Eight. One to turn the lightbulb and seven to do the
environmental impact study.
--
Q: How many investors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The market has already discounted the change.
--
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the
ladder.
--
Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A1: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would
screw itself in.
A2: None, if you're patient. Further tax cuts will stimulate the
economy creating a glut of light-bulb changing servicers.
Eventually, these servicers will be so willing to
demonstrate their skills, per your business, for free in
your home.
--


Lee

May the fork (and tracker) be with you!


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