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LADYIRISH317's Photo LADYIRISH317 Posts: 56,260
4/13/12 10:46 P

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Do you love YOU? You deserve so much better than someone who's abusive. We all do, but we're conditioned to accept mistreatment. It's a cycle we all need to unlearn.

"...there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."

"We're children of a fighting race that never yet has known disgrace." (The Soldiers' Song, Irish national anthem)

"Every day above ground is a good day." (Chef Justin Kennedy of New Orleans, on Chopped)

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SHOEGIRL38's Photo SHOEGIRL38 Posts: 20
4/13/12 8:00 P

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I wanted to share with you my situation because it's similar. And this is sort of an update on me as well..
Last November, right before Thanksgiving, my husband decided to get drunk. We were living in Hawaii, he is in the Army. As it was, being on an island for three years makes you feel trapped-but to be trapped with an abuser, puts you in a depression, trust me. I wasn't engaging in any back and forth with him, which upset him. He threw a frozen hot pocket at my head to get my attention. Then, he decided to bring out the gas can and sprinkle gas around the kitchen, lit a rug on fire. While this was happening, he attacked me and my 18 year old son, I got the worst of it. Police came, he was arrested.

His actions caused us to be evicted. My son and I had nowhere to go. We had to leave though, so we ended up going to one of my son's relatives. (he's from my first marriage) This was in late January this year. I'm apart from my son, with a friend of mine in Vegas. He's in Wyoming. Husband is in Hawaii still-being Chaptered out of the Army-a dishonorable...which is a process.

This incident I have considered a blessing. It has allowed me the time apart from him to be free of criticism and abuse. My strength and confidence is getting better, and I'm weaning off of my anti-depressants of two years. They helped, but made me numb. I have spark to help me build the healthy habits I neglected for so long. I don't post often, only a handful of spark-friends so far, but it's still early...

I can't explain the feeling of being free of this!! I am happy now. Really. Time apart is just what I needed. Puts things into perspective. Even though I'm away from my son, don't have a job, or my belongings, I am happy.

But he doesn't want me to be. And that's too bad because I'm 39 years old and ready to be me.

While in Hawaii, a Family Advocate turned me on to a book that has helped me understand the way an abuser thinks/acts and why- and this book has been a TREMENDOUS help!! If I could afford it, I would purchase it for's a must read.
"Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft.

Thanks for letting me share.
The strength is in you, whatever you decide.
Please stay in touch


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-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 29,412
4/13/12 6:20 P

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Hi there soberchick,

If you are referring to a relationship, I have been there many times myself. I was married to an abusive man for 8 years, and went back over and over again. It is a very common pattern for those of us who love abusive men.

In my own case I finally came to a place of being ready to leave for good. It took me to the point on nearly being killed - but that is what it took for me to finally leave. Many of us have an addictive relationship with our abusive partner and just seem unable to break free. It is a kind of co-dependence that takes us back over and over again. They need us as much as we need them. My abusive childhood had made me a sitting duck to fall into this type of relationship. That is what I was programmed to do.

Once I left the wonderful policeman who happened to be involved put me in touch with a police run victim support group and I learnt so much there from the course itself and also the other members. It was like we were all married to the same man and this in itself gave me strength to see the reality of the situation. I also learned that just leaving that relationship and getting into another one would not solve the problem. I needed to find out what was inside me that attracted me to that type of person and also them to me.

In a room full of maybe a humdred people we discovered that the abuser and the abused would attract one another instantly. And I found out that this was true. These days I still can pick out an abuse a mile off - and now I walk the other way.

There is a book called "Women who love too much", it is very informative, highlights our situation and points the way to freedom.

Sending you loving, healing thoughts.


Edited by: -WISPY- at: 4/13/2012 (18:21)
"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
ROTTLADY's Photo ROTTLADY SparkPoints: (0)
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4/13/12 4:07 P

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This is a hard cycle to break. We are here to help support you and not judge you for returning.How can we Help? emoticon

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GABBY308's Photo GABBY308 Posts: 9,227
4/13/12 3:17 P

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How can we help?

Edited by: GABBY308 at: 4/13/2012 (16:39)

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4/13/12 2:58 P

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