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5/10/18 9:32 P

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Directory Assistance

Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
Operator: I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

Caller: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

Caller: I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The living room.

Caller: The water board please.
Operator: Which department?
Caller: Tap water

Operator: How are you spelling that?
Caller: With letters.

Caller: I'd like the number for a Reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator: Do you have his name?
Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben.

Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
Caller: Er, yes.

Received from Pastor Tim.

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5/4/18 10:46 P

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Say What?

Bob was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of common knowledge and his fairly low IQ.

He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Marlene replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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5/3/18 11:58 P

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If My Body Were A Car
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.

I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Received from Judi.

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5/1/18 9:04 P

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Greeting
A pastor saw Robert Schuller's TV program "Hour of Power." One of the things that impressed him the most during the program was watching everyone turn around to shake hands with and greet other worshipers seated near them. The pastor felt that his church was a bit stuffy and could use a bit of friendliness.

So, at Sunday morning worship he announced that next week they would initiate this custom of greeting one another.

At the close of this same worship service one man turned around to the lady behind him and said a cheerful, "Good morning!" She looked back at him with shock at his boldness and said, "I beg your pardon! That friendliness business doesn't start until next Sunday!

Received from SermonCentral Weekly Newsletter.

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4/30/18 5:29 P

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First Fight

A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one. After a while, the husband said: "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."

His bride replied: "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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4/28/18 12:08 A

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Young and Poor
Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.

Married 39 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 39 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 19 year old brunette.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 58 year old woman.

It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....

Received from Judi.

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4/27/18 12:08 A

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The Pearly Gates
A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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4/19/18 4:44 P

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Air Force Nicknames
Back when I was in the Air Force, in the 50's, nicknames were used primarily to identify formation members. For instance, I was "Panic." A four-plane formation would make me "Panic Lead" while the other three planes would be "Panic 2," "Panic 3," and "Panic 4." However, when we were not in formation, our ID was simply the plane identification number: AF Jet 19555. Or, as we called it, "The Triple Nickel."

We all loved to fly that thing. As soon as we'd take off, that was who we were, "Triple Nickel."

I remember coming back one to Laredo AFB after a cross-country flight. I contacted the tower and said, "Laredo tower, this is Triple Nickel chromium plated stovepipe, space ace on base, boots down and laced, like to bounce and blow!"

Obviously the tower had heard that kind of stuff before. They didn't even hesitate in answering, "Roger dodger, Triple Nickel, chromium plated stovepipe, space ace on base, with your boots down and laced. You've got the nod. Hit the sod."

Submitted by B.B.

Received from Richard G Wimer.
THE OLDER WE GET THE BETTER WE WERE?


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4/16/18 11:38 P

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Sewing
My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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4/6/18 6:29 P

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Jury Selection
An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.

One prospective juror, Dan O'Keefe, was called for his question session.

He was asked, "Property holder?"

Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor."

Then he was asked, "Married or single?"

Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor."

Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?"

Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

--

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3/24/18 12:18 A

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First Words
My son crawled for the first time while I was away on exercises. I also missed Harry's first steps and was afraid an upcoming course would cause me to miss his first words. Each day, I called home and asked if he had spoken yet. The answer was always "no" until my wife said Harry had something to say to me. "Daddy, daddy," I heard over the phone, and glowed with pride. My wife came back on the line and said, "You should come home as soon as possible."

"Why?" I asked.

"Harry was speaking to the dog."

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.

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3/22/18 4:07 P

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Vegetarian
As the only vegetarian in my family, I often get tired of defending my food choices to other family members. I didn't realize how often the subject is actually discussed until one day around, when I picked up my six-year-old, Jordan, from school. His class had made chickens using potatoes and paper feathers.

Jordan proudly presented his to me, announcing excitedly, "Mom, we finally have the kind of meat even you can eat!"

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.

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3/22/18 1:20 A

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Rookie Landing
As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight, a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."

The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded.

Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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3/21/18 12:06 A

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Quotes About Money
The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments. - Mad Magazine

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. - Frank Hubbard

There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one. - Jack Yelton

I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money. - Pablo Picasso

Business, you know, may bring money, but friendship hardly ever does. - Jane Austen

The rule is not to talk about money with people who have much more or much less than you. - Katherine Whitehorn

Never work just for money or for power. They won't save your soul or help you sleep at night. - Marian Wright Edelman

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. - Robert Frost

A penny saved is a penny earned. - Benjamin Franklin

Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that. - Norman Vincent Peale

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. - Samuel Butler

He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses much more; He who loses faith, loses all. - Eleanor Roosevelt

If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can't buy. - Proverb

Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time. - Jim Rohn

Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping. - Bo Derek

Received from FranCMT2.

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2/26/18 3:53 P

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VIP Impression
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place.

When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in the building.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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2/26/18 12:07 A

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Burial Rites
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down, and you know men won't ask for directions."

Received from Janice Beasley.

--

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2/21/18 11:30 P

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Good Natured Bible Jokes
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Received from FranCMT2.

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2/20/18 11:54 P

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President's Day
/* Disclaimer: This joke is equally funny regardless of who is in office at the time. It is not meant to apply to the current or any specific President. */

I was eating lunch on the 18th of February with my 10-year-old grandson and I asked him, "What day is tomorrow?"

He said, "It's President's Day!" He is a smart kid.

I asked, "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln, etc.

He replied, "President's Day is when the President steps out of the White House. If he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose...

Received from Gayle Marie.

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2/17/18 7:15 P

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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."



Sarcastic Al Says:
"That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is 'act natural, you're innocent.'"



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2/15/18 11:33 P

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The Right Card
A little boy had been pawing over a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?"

The boy shook his head and answered, "Got any like a blank report card?"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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2/14/18 11:52 P

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The Computer Repairman Song
To the tune of "Chiquita Banana" jingle

I'm the computer repairman and I've come to say
that your computer will not be running today.
I'm singing this song to remind you all
to backup your computer before it takes a fall.

The problem might be the motherboard or maybe in the file store
but where the files were, I'm afraid they're not there anymore.
So remember to backup your computer everyday
if it's important to you in any way.

by "Average Joe"

Received from Tom.

--

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2/14/18 12:40 A

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Russian Dressing
"You name it, we'll make it!" Was the big sign outside the new restaurant on 13th Avenue. "There is no food we can't make for you!"

"Excuse me sir," said a man with a heavy Russian accent to the waiter, "I vould like please, A Garden Salad with Russian dressing."

"RUSSIAN DRESSING?!" Screamed the head cook, "I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF RUSSIAN DRESSING! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO GIVE THIS GUY?"

"Don't worry," said the owner to the cook, "I'll take care of everything, you just make the salad."

Two minutes later the waiter walked out with a big Garden Salad and a picture of a Russian man putting on his shirt.

Received from Steve Sanderson.

--

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2/13/18 1:26 A

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Tugboat Captains
Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains, who had been friends for years, would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"

The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of ... an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

Received from Clean-Laffs.

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2/12/18 1:53 P

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Tonsillectomy
We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how the procedure would be performed.

"Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"

Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."

Received from Pastor Tim.

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2/10/18 12:33 A

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Letter to My Dog
LETTER TO MY DOG
Copyright 2003 W. Bruce Cameron
www.wbrucecameron.com

Dear Dog:

Since you seem to have so much trouble processing the English language no matter how loudly it is spoken to you, I thought perhaps I could communicate with you more effectively if I wrote down my thoughts.

First, please allow me to assure you that you are not starving. In fact, if the newspapers bothered to publish a canine version of those irritating "body-mass indices" that my daughter so delights in reading aloud to me, I'm sure we would discover that you've got far more waddle in your walk than is strictly necessary. The way you visually track every bite of food I take, with a trembling expression of frantic pleading, is most annoying.

Speaking of walks: We've been taking the same route around the same block for nine years. For you to sob, whine, and tremble every time I get out your leash is just crazy.

And would you please stop rolling in road kill? Dead animals smell like...well, like dead fish. There is a reason I give you a bath every single time you roll in something--it is NOT a coincidence.

Here's a news flash: Our next-door neighbors LIVE THERE. They have a right to be in their own yard! Stop barking at them through our windows! Your crazed fury is especially irritating in view of the fact that when you actually encounter them in person you flop on your back and let them rub your tummy. As a guard dog, you're about as intimidating as a gerbil.

The following are not digestible: Balloons. Crayons. Socks. I can show you evidence out in the yard. Stop eating them; they are not food!

I do not mind rolling down the window for you when we are in the car. I don't even mind that the air rushing up your nostrils makes you sneeze. What I do mind is that you always pull your head into the car to share your sneeze with the back of my neck. Keep your head in or out, that's all I ask.

Our front door is three inches of solid wood; you cannot tunnel through it. Stop clawing! Don't we always let you out when you need to go?

The bushes in the back yard cost a lot of money, but there is nothing of value hidden under them. Stop digging for buried treasure! The stuff in the trash can is not your food. Oh, and your expression of shocked innocence when we accuse you of dining at the garbage buffet is not nearly as persuasive as the forensic evidence left strewn around the kitchen. Stop blaming the cat; she doesn't eat anything that costs less than a dollar an ounce.

Oh, and speaking of the cat, just because she gets to sleep on the bed doesn't mean that you do too. Did you think we wouldn't notice all the dog fur on our bedspread when we got home?

And another thing: I do not wake up at the same time every day! On days we don't work, we're allowed to sleep past our normal waking time. Stop licking my face because your internal clock says it is time for breakfast. Don't dogs DO weekends?

Look, you do make me crazy sometimes. But I suppose I have to admit that even though you're lazy (you probably won't even bother to read this letter!) and don't seem very bright, you do have your positive attributes. You're the only one in the family who will get up and pace with me in front of the window when it's past curfew and my teenage daughter is parked in the driveway with her date. You're the only one who likes my cooking, and you share my opinion that we don't need a cat. After nine years of living with you, I suppose life just wouldn't be the same without you.

Wanna go for a walk?

Received from Timothy Anger.

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2/8/18 12:27 A

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Quickies
A Wife's definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.

My wife thinks I put football before marriage, even though we just celebrated our third season together.

Try to remember that, with the exception of your parents and your children, most people will consider you an adult.

The world is divided into haves and have-nots: those who have a sense of humor and those who do not.

My husband and I married for better or worse... He couldn't do better and I couldn't do worse.

When the letters on a page begin to thrash about and attack each other, it's probably time to turn off the light and go to sleep.

Received from Joke du Jour.

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2/1/18 1:00 P

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Musical Puns

Q: How did the tuba player kill himself?
A: He walked off a clef.

Q: How do musicians pay their debts?
A: With quarter notes.

Q: Why did the percussionist leave?
A: He was drummed out of the orchestra.

Q: Why did the opera house fire their male singer?
A: He was always singing tenor eleven notes off.

Q: Why aren't fish allowed to play in an orchestra?
A: Because you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish.

Q: Why did the conductor tell the trumpeter to stop talking?
A: He was always trying to blow his own horn.

Q: What do you call a conductor who is always giving his orchestra grief?
A: A treble maker.

Q: What does a musician use to sign his checks?
A: A time signature.

Q: Why was the clarinetist always cutting himself?
A: His music was always too sharp.

Received from Bill.

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1/31/18 11:17 P

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Which Glass Has It?
Mary and Jill decided to split a can of Diet Pepsi during a break. Mary opened the can and poured half the contents into her own glass and half into Jill's glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.

"Only one calorie per can," she read aloud.

"Hmm," murmured Jill. "I wonder which glass has the calorie?"

Received from Andychap.

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1/31/18 12:31 A

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It's Time to Get Out of College When...
- You know the pizza boy by name.

- You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.

- You live for getting mail (e-mail included).

- Prank phone calls become funny again.

- Wal-Mart is the coolest store.

- World War III could take place and you'd be clueless.

- You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.

- Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.

- Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.

- You find out milk crates have so many uses.

- The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night).

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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1/29/18 12:38 P

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Funeral Procession

My friend, her sister and I were driving in the procession to the cemetery for the funeral of a distant relative.

"Since we don't really know anybody, do you want to head on home?" the driver asked.

When the sister nodded, she a right turn.

We had gotten about a quarter of a mile down the road when the driver happened to look in the rear-view mirror. The rest of the procession was still following us!

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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1/26/18 1:08 P

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Child of the 80's
If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend, are a "Child of the 80's".

1. You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".

2. You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer".

3. You can sing the McDonald's Big Mac, Filet-O-Fish, Quarter Pounder, French Fry song while jump roping.

4. You know who "Mr. T" is.

5. You know who Fat Albert is. And also the boy with the pink mask.

6. You ever wore fluorescent, neon clothing.

7. You could break dance, or wish you could.

8. You wanted to be "The Hulk" for Halloween.

9. You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"

10. Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.

11. You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.

12. You wanted to be on Star Search.

13. You remember the Garbage Pail Kids, and owned some.

14. You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."

15. You HAD to have your MTV.

16. You wondered why Tootie always wore those skates.

17. You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.

18. You watched Purple Rain over and over again.

19. You remember the episode of Good Times when Flo broke down after James' funeral.

20. You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.

21. You own any cassettes.

22. You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.

23. You remember and/or owned any of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut.

24. Poltergeist freaked you out.

25. You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunch box.

26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.

27. You know what leg warmers are and probably had a pair.

28. You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.

29. You had a Swatch Watch with the Swatch Guard.

30. You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

31. You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.

32. You know what a "Push Up" ice cream is.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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1/26/18 12:12 A

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Final Exam
A few fraternity brothers needed to fill a science requirement in order to graduate, so they spent weeks studying for the final.

The day of the exam arrived, and they were more than ready for the test. The teacher pulled out a chart that had different pictures of birds' legs.

The teacher said, "This is your exam. Name these birds by their legs."

After ten minutes one boy stood up, absolutely furious, and slammed the paper down on the teacher's desk.

"Unbelievable!" he yelled. "You knew I needed to pass this exam to graduate. How could you do this to me?"

The guy began to leave the room and the teacher yelled at him, "Hey you, what's your name?"

The student pulled up his pants, revealing his legs, and said, "I don't know, sir. You tell me."

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.

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1/24/18 12:21 A

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Old Soldiers Never
When General Douglas MacArthur retired from the military in 1951, he stated famously, "Old soldiers never die, they just fade away." But five-star generals are not the only ones who never die:

Golfers never die, they just lose their drive.

Lumberjacks never die, they just pine away.

Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.

Bank managers don't die, they just lose interest.

Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.

Teachers don't retire, they just mark time.

Roofers don't retire, they just wipe the slate clean.

Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.

Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.

Musicians never retire, they just decompose.

Farmers never retire, they just go to seed.

Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.

Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.

Painters never retire, they just put a gloss on it.

Tree surgeons never retire, they just branch out.

Old librarians never die, they just check out, become overdue, and lose their circulation.

Old crossword puzzlers never die, they just go across and -- hopefully -- up.

Old milkmaids never die, they just kick the bucket and lose their whey.

Old plumbers never die, they just get out of sink and go down the drain.

Old teachers never die, they just grade away and lose their principals, their faculties, and their class.

Old math professors never die, they just go off on a tangent.

Old mimes never die, they're just never heard from again.

Old housemaids never die, they just return to dust.

From "The Gift of Age" (c)2010 by Richard Lederer and from http://www.guy-sports.com/jokes/

Received from Sermon Fodder.

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1/24/18 12:15 A

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Ulcer
A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician's office for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field."

Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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1/22/18 11:50 P

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Umbrella
A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"

The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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1/19/18 4:36 P

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Typewriter
They had been up in the attic together doing some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom...what's this?"

"Oh...that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.

"Well what does it do?" they asked.

"I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

"WOW!" they exclaimed, "that's really cool...but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?"

"There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."

"Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.

"It doesn't need batteries either." she continued.

"Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.

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1/15/18 10:41 P

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First Day Of School
It was the first day of school, and the first grade teacher decided to see how much her students knew about math.

"Dewey, can you tell me what is 3 and 2?"

Dewey said, "That's when you should watch very, very carefully before you swing at the next pitch."

Received from Steve Sanderson.

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1/12/18 12:28 A

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Plane Reservations
Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from our equally small airport.

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers."

Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"

Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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1/4/18 5:46 P

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Parking Problem at Church
A few years ago, I caught a story on the radio about a Baptist church that had a problem. It was with the Methodists down the street. Some Baptists were unable to find a space in their own parking lot because members of the nearby Methodist church, which met earlier than the Baptists, got there first. So the Baptist church had a problem.

Now, they COULD have towed the Methodist's cars away. Or, they COULD have patrolled their lot Sunday mornings. Or, they COULD have written a letter to the offending church members imploring them to park elsewhere. But they didn't.

Instead, they did something else. One Sunday morning they stuck a bumper sticker to every car in the lot -- Baptist and Methodist alike. They all got one. The sticker read: "I'M PROUD TO BE A BAPTIST!"

No more problem.

Received from Timothy Anger.

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12/22/17 9:38 A

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The Law of Parenthood

There is the Law of Gravity - and then, there is the Law of Parenthood

- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

- Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

- The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

- A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

- The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

- A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.

- The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

Received from Pastor Tim.

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12/22/17 12:52 A

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Christmas Cracker Jokes !
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?

A barberqueue

(Keith Thomas)

Why was the turkey in the pop group?

Because he was the only one with drumsticks!

(Sally Morgan)

What do you call a boomerang that does not come back?

A stick

(Graham Bull)

What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps

(Kieran 'K' Cope)


Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?

He was picking his nose

(Shan Evans)

Two snowmen were standing in a field. One said, "Can you smell carrots?"

(Pete Potty Mumford)

A man walks into a bar ....ouch

Mike Bailey

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

"It's Christmas Eve"

What does Santa do with fat elves?

He sends them to an Elf Farm

What did Santa do when he went speed dating?

He pulled a cracker

What did Cinderella say when her photos didnít arrive on time?

One day my prints will come

When do vampires like racing?

When itís neck and neck

Whatís a dogís favourite carol?

Bark, the herald angels sing

What does Miley Cyrus have for her Christmas dinner?

Twerky

What do snowmen have for breakfast?

Snowflakes

What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave?

He gives them the sack

What do you give a dog for Christmas?

A mobile bone

Why did the pony have to gargle?

Because it was a little horse

Why are Christmas trees very bad at knitting?

Because they always drop their needles

What is Santaís favourite pizza?

One thatís deep-pan, crisp and even

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?

The elf-abet!

Whatís a horseís favourite TV show?

Neighbours

What do you call a train loaded with toffee?

A chew chew train

Why couldnít the skeleton go to the Christmas party?

He had no body to go with

Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?

Because they were two deer

What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?

He got 25 days


How do snowmen get around?

By riding an Ďicicle


How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?

They had a weigh in a manger

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy

What is the best Christmas present?

A broken drum, you can't beat it!

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette

What has four legs but canít walk?

A table

What goes "Oh, Oh, Oh"?

Santa walking backwards

Why did Santa have to go to the hospital?

Because of his poor elf

What do frogs wear on their feet?

Open toad sandles

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrrrrrr!


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12/19/17 7:15 P

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Rain or Shine
It was raining quite hard as U.S. Marine trainees assembled outdoors for a briefing. On a blackboard, the lieutenant instructor had prepared a detailed drawing of the tactics he wanted practiced.

"Don't think we're going to call this off just because of a little rain," he said.

Then he turned to the blackboard which had been washed clean.

Received from You Make Me Laugh.

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12/15/17 2:12 P

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Tastes Like Chicken

A man is caught sitting at a make-shift campfire by a forest ranger, and to the ranger's horror, the man is eating a bald eagle. The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:

JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

MAN: "Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

JUDGE: "Proceed."

MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle who lighted upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

JUDGE: "The court will take a recess while I consider your testimony."

(15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.)

JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."

The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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12/13/17 11:38 P

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Spelling checker

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight for it to say
Weather I am wrong or write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose before two long
And eye can put the error rite
It's rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
Am shore your pleased to no
It's letter perfect all the weigh
My chequer toiled me sew!

Received from Janice Beasley.

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12/5/17 12:49 P

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40th Wedding Anniversary

A married couple, in their early 60s, was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table. She said: "For being such an exemplary married couple and especially for being so thoughtful and loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the World with my darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand; and -- poof! -- two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner and Ten Thousand Dollars appeared in her hands. Then it was the husband's turn.

He thought for a minute and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. So I'm going with my mind and not my Heart. "

"I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed. But a wish is a wish.

So, the Fairy waved her magic wand, and - Poof! -- the husband became 92 years old.

The Moral of the story:

Men who are ungrateful husbands should remember; Fairies are female.

Received from WestiMom.

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11/3/17 12:07 A

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Jogging Shoes
Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it. "What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?"

"Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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11/1/17 12:11 A

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Trick Or Treat
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it.

Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying "Trick or Treat!"

The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween.

The kid says, "I'm from the government." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say, "Thank you."

Received from Steve Sanderson.

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10/26/17 10:05 P

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Computer Encouragement
My new data-entry assistant could often be heard offering encouragement to her computer. "You can do it, big guy!" she would say. "Good boy! Nice job, fella."

After one particularly lengthy pep talk, I asked, "How do you know your computer's male?"

"Because you have to tell it what to do."

Contributed to Reader's Digest "All In a Day's Work" by Debe Lomicka

Received from WITandWISDOM.

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10/18/17 2:11 P

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Try Before You Buy

Myra was going to the office party but needed a new party dress.

In the clothing store she asked, "May I try on that dress in the window, please?"

"Certainly not, madam,'" responded the salesgirl, "You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else."

Received from Steve Sanderson.

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10/14/17 12:33 A

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Teen Attire
A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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10/12/17 11:58 P

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Wacky Newspaper Headlines
- Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

- Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

- War Dims Hope for Peace

- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

- Deer Kill 17,000

- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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10/12/17 12:10 A

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Postponed Test
One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral.

"No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.

"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."

"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.

By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.

"I don't know any of these people," he said. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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9/20/17 2:18 A

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Hunting Prayer
The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season.

Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer.

No one raised a hand.

Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

Received from Pastor Tim.

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9/9/17 1:22 A

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24 hours
God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth."

Angel: "What are you going to do now?"

God: "Call it a day."

Received from Kevin from Rochester, MN.

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9/8/17 4:42 P

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Rough School Quotes
"I was scared of the headmaster. He had incredible aim with an eraser. He could sit in front of the classroom, and if you were just leaning a little bit to the side as if to talk to the person next to you, he could hit you with an eraser upside your head from, like, 40 feet." - Actor KEVIN KLINE

"I won't say our school was tough, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up." -Lenny Bruce

"My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years." -Paul Merton

Received from Clean-Laffs.
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9/8/17 9:09 A

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The Big Sale
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
--

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9/6/17 2:50 A

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Cupcakes
A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Christmas dinner. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Mikey, helping them bake some cupcakes.

After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Mikey to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table.

"The cupcakes look delicious, Mike." his uncle said. He took a bite and said, "Mikey these are so good."

As he finished cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Mikey," his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?"

His nephew replied, "It was easy. I just licked them."

The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked all of these?"

Mikey replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog to help."

Received from Anthea Williams.
--

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8/11/17 11:24 P

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Company Socks
For the holidays, all company employees got socks with the corporate logo on them. The day after we received our gifts, a co-worker reported on his wife's response when she saw them.

"Honey!" she said. "I didn't realize you were going to get sock options this year!"

Received from Brian Scott.

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8/8/17 3:25 P

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Skin Test
At the company I work for, employees are required to take an annual skin test for tuberculosis. I had just gone for mine and was explaining the requirement to a young hiree. Then I started teasing him, complaining that the test was painful and pointing to the mark on my arm.

The young man was trying to figure out whether I was joking when the nurse walked in to escort him to the testing room. As they made their way down the hall I heard her shout, "Dead man walking!"

Received from Janet Palmer.

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8/7/17 11:38 P

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Cold Shoulder
After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, the unhappy husband finally confronted her: "Admit it, Linda. The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million."

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied. "I don't care who left it to you."

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8/4/17 11:24 P

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Your Age By Chocolate Math
/* First time we sent this the number on step 5 were incorrect. They are correct in this version. Sorry about that! Thanks to Karen Kapler for reporting the problem first! */

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10).

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold).

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator.

5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1767. If you haven't, add 1766.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number.

The first digit of this number is your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are your age!

Received from Deb Duff.
--

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7/27/17 10:58 A

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Name Spelling
It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud.

When she came to a young Pakistani boy and asked his name, he replied, "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee."

"How do you spell that?" asked the teacher.

"My mother helps me," said the little boy.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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7/22/17 11:27 P

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Talk about having second thoughts upon choosing a place to eat. I went into this place in Abilene Texas and said to the waitress, "I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse." She smiled, handed me a menu and replied, "Well... you've come to the right place." (Jakk Bass)

Take a tip from your Creator-- your ears aren't made to shut, but your mouth is. (Renee from Napa)

Baloney: Where some hemlines fall. (LOL)

What happens when you have deja vu and amnesia at the same time? You have the feeling that you're forgetting the same thing over and over. (Daily Groaner)

Geometry: What a little acorn says when he grows up. (Pierre Abbat)

Heart surgeons never bypass a good opportunity. (Pun of the Day)

Received from FranCMT2.

--

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7/21/17 11:52 A

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One Liners

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." - Lewis Grizzard

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, just drop them off at the wrong house." - Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." - Dave Barry

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." - Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" - Paula Poundstone

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." - Roseanne

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"- Richard Jeni

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." -Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."- Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." - Jerry Seinfeld

"Bigamy is having one wife or husband too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet." - Mae West

"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself." - Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." - A. Whitney Brown

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." - Roseanne

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My Goodness, you're right I never would've thought of that!'" - Dave Barry

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." - George Carlin

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." - Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." - Drew Carey

Received from Scott.

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7/14/17 9:51 P

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Over Heard At A Tatoo Parlor
"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."

"We're all out of red, so I used pink."

"There are two Os in Bob, right?"

"I hate it when I get the hiccups."

"Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."

"I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."

"The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect." "Oops...."

Received from Andychap.

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7/10/17 11:22 A

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Snorkeling

For our 10th anniversary my wife and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water everyone got back on the boat, except for one beautiful young woman and me.

As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, she swam. I snorkeled for another 20 minutes. So did she. I climbed back in the boat. So did she. I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked her why she had stayed in the water for so long.

"I'm the lifeguard," she replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."

Received from Steve Sanderson.

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6/29/17 2:27 P

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IQ Test
An IQ test question given to a banker, an electrician, and a politician was, "What term would you use to describe the problem that results when outflow exceeds inflow?"

The banker wrote, "Overdraft."

The electrician wrote, "Overload."

The politician wrote, "What problem?"

Received from Andychap.
--

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6/23/17 12:11 P

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How the Media Would Cover the Apocalypse
USA Today:
WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER

Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest:
'BYE

Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

Inc. magazine:
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Received from Mikey's Funnies.

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6/22/17 11:41 A

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Military Intials
When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long document came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read: "You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."

So I did.

Received from You Make Me Laugh.

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6/19/17 12:17 P

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Pierced Ears

The students in my third grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.

"Does the hole go all the way through?"

"Yes."

"Did it hurt?"

"Just a little."

"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"

"No, they used a special gun."

Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did they stand?"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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6/14/17 4:05 A

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Early To Bed
My wife and I have very different body clocks. At sundown she is practically ready for bed. I, meanwhile, am a night owl. Recently, after a long, hard workday, I announced around 8 p.m. that I was exhausted and ready to hit the sack. Suddenly my wife nearly leapt into my arms.

"Oh, honey," she purred into my ear, "I just love it when you talk early to me!" (By Tim Orbison)

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6/9/17 12:10 A

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Sermon Comment
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."

The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."

"Because it endured forever."

Received from You Make Me Laugh.
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6/7/17 11:52 P

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Corn on the Cobb
We were eating corn on the cob two weeks ago and my 5-year-old daughter Rachel seemed to be struggling with it a little bit.

I said "Rachel, eat it like a typewriter."

Se looked at me with pure innocence in her eyes and said "Mommy, what's a typewriter?"

Received from Steve Sanderson.

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6/5/17 10:52 P

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Cell Phone Find
An employee of the airport found a cell phone in one of the boarding areas. She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and she answered it, but there was no response. When it rang a second time, another female employee answered, and the same thing happened.

Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. "This is Bob. May I help you?"

"Bob," the bewildered woman caller finally spoke. "Where is Bill, and who are those two women he's with?"

Received from You Make Me Laugh.
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12/2/16 7:32 A

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Linda

My friend Linda is a bit older than most of the people in her office, and has worked there longer, so the rest of the staff often come to her with questions. She does not mind answering a quick question, but does not feel comfortable answering questions about the computer system. Her company had recently changed the help desk procedures and there had been e-mails about help desk protocol.

One day a young gal came to Linda with a question about the computer system. Linda asked if she had contacted "that guy who is sending all the e-mails." The other girl said she did not know who she was talking about, and Linda said "Fawk." The other girl said she had never heard of him. Linda told her that he had sent out several e-mails recently. The other girl again asked his name, and Linda said "Fawk." The other girl asked how that was spelled.

Linda said, "It is spelled FAQ." The other girl never asked her another question.

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.

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10/26/16 11:42 A

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Halloween Puns
Q: What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost when they got in their car?
A: Fasten your sheet belt.

Q: What do you say when you meet a 3 headed monster?
A: Hello. Hello. Hello.

Q: What do you get if you leave a pile of bones in the sun?
A: A Skele-tan.

Q: Who are some of the werewolves' cousins?
A: The whatwolves and the whenwolves.

Q: Why did the spider buy a car?
A: He wanted to take it for a spin.

Q: What do little ghosts drink?
A: Evaporated milk.

Q: What's frightening and stuck on the end of your arm?
A: A terror wrist.

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10/8/16 11:56 P

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A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
(scroll down)
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

--
Arlene

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10/7/16 3:09 P

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A Form Letter For Spam Email
Hello (insert a misspelling of the recipient's name here),

My name is (insert has-been celebrity's name here). I'm writing to you on behalf of (insert completely unheard-of worthy cause's name here).

If you click on (insert mysterious and suspicious link here) today, not only will you donate (insert insignificant amount of money in cents here) for each click, but you'll also receive (insert ridiculously-low new mortgage rate here) and (insert phenomenal body enhancement here)!

Not only that, you'll be eligible to win a brand new (insert hot, trendy electronic gadget here), a (insert next year here) model (insert insanely expensive car brand here)! Act now, we have only (insert very low but still appealing quantity here) left to give away!

Also, if you click on (insert even more mysterious and suspicious link here) within the next (insert amazingly-soon amount of time here), you'll be entered into our drawing for (insert relatively high, but still seemingly feasible quantity of money here)! That's right, by trying out a 30-day sample of (insert new, snazzy wonder-drug here), not only will you (insert miracle of health or well-being that couldn't possibly come from previously inserted drug here), but you'll help rescue (insert practically unbelievable quantity of a relatively small country's population here) from widespread (insert globally challenging, heart-tugging disease or living condition here).

This (insert candy-coated terminology for the word "spam" here) was brought to you by (insert name of also completely unheard-of company with the word "marketing" or some other legitimate-sounding term here). If you'd like to unsubscribe from future mailings, please write to (insert P.O. Box address from either a major metropolitan city in New England or a backwoods, one-stop-sign town in the middle of nowhere). You can also click (insert one final mysterious and suspicious link designed to quadruple your "future mailings" here) to unsubscribe.

Received from Mikey's Funnies.

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10/3/16 2:11 P

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Real Faith
A grandfather was going by his little granddaughter's room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.

"What are you doing?" he asked her.

She explained, "I'm saying my prayers, but I couldn't think of just what I wanted to say. So I'm just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
--

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