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CLCCOOL's Photo CLCCOOL Posts: 7,982
10/5/10 9:44 A

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The teen years are HARD! Thankfully, I had boys, but I know how hard it is with girls...I was one! Sounds like you are doing what you should, let her vent, be understanding & keep reminding her that it's him, not her. Keep up the good work! This too shall pass

:) GO COLORADO ROCKIES!!! UR#1


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*SUNSHINEDAYZ*'s Photo *SUNSHINEDAYZ* Posts: 897
10/4/10 9:07 P

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Thanks... at this point I'm pretty used to the not putting him down part and just doing something different when he doesn't show up for visits. He didn't show up this Saturday for example and I just took the kids out to visit with friends of mine instead.

The part I'm having problems with now is my daughter's anger. She's so angry with him. I hate seeing her this hurt and upset :o(

I refuse to fight with him, and these days even that bothers her because she feels I'm not defending her enough because I refuse to argue with him. I guess that's just part of the fun of raising teens.

It does help.

Kathleen in Canada

Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain.

mypositivesteps.blogspot.com/


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CLCCOOL's Photo CLCCOOL Posts: 7,982
10/4/10 2:44 P

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Really, I know it is hard! But, if I were you & remember, I'm not, this is just what I would do. Stay out of it. Just be there for your kids, explain to them that there dad is the adult & has problems, it's NOT them. But, as HARD as it is, don't fight with your ex or put him down in front of your kids. I have a feeling if you try to talk to him, it will just end up in an argument & he will put you down & make you feel bad... nothing will be solved. The MOST important thing is the kids. Just keep being the wonderful mom that you are, be there for your daughter to talk to & unload. Encourage them, be the positive person in their lives. If he is supposed to take the kids somewhere & lets them down, don't carry on about how irresponsible he is, just take the kids somewhere to make up for it. I know this sounds is easier said than done. But, remember,you,the kids & the self esteem of you 3 is the most important thing. If you let him get to you, it only hurts you & the kids.
I hope that helps

:) GO COLORADO ROCKIES!!! UR#1


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*SUNSHINEDAYZ*'s Photo *SUNSHINEDAYZ* Posts: 897
10/4/10 9:49 A

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It's hard to summarize a decade but I'll try my hardest. I'm long winded at the best of times so probably won't succeed LOL.

My ex and I separated when the kids were 3 and 5 years old. They're now 13 and 15 years old. Over the past decade he has not been a father to them. He shows up when he feels like it, usually about once a month or so and usually only for about an hour at a time. He doesn't pay child support and doesn't act like a father. No help with homework, no teaching them how to ride a bike or skate, no bedtime stories... just trips to the doughnut store. There's been a handful of times he's attended events since we separated and they've all been him showing his current girlfriend what a good father he is.

Also, over the years, he's tried to make me out to be the bad guy. He's ignored our autistic son for the most part and focused on telling these stories to our daughter (currently 15). Telling her I don't love her and don't care about her. Telling her that I've been keeping her from him all these years.

Last year was hellish. She confronted him in the spring wanting to know why he hardly ever saw them and he spent most of June 2009 trying to convince her that he dearly loved her and wanted to see her and it was me who had been keeping him from them all these years... that he even wanted custody of her. He took me to court for custody of her (ignoring our son) and went as far as showing her an apartment that was going to be theirs once he got custody. He was homeless at the time so the courts gave him a year to find an apartment and get settled. This summer he hadn't done anything to get a place and went back asking for "access" which he already had. Sigh.

This spring he got a new girlfriend and by August he was already talking about not having daughter over for visits with him and his girlfriend. He claimed she was devastating his girlfriend and her 21 year old son and making them feel like second-class citizens in their own home because my daughter wasn't treating his girlfriend like a step-mother and her son like a step-son. Daughter couldn't do this... they'd only been dating for half a year (if that) and he hadn't even been separated from his previous long term girlfriend for a year at that point.

Obviously this led to a few arguments between daughter and her dad... with her obsessively calling him several times a day (daughter has aspergers) wanting to know why he was not wanting her on visits. And, each time he'd bait her... increasing the demands of what he expected of her and telling her that if she just behaved properly she could go on these visits. Then would *tsk tsk* at her behaviour and what I'd been teaching her.

A few weeks ago his nephew was getting Christened and the kids were invited. Daughter was very iffy on going. She really wanted to see her little cousins but wasn't sure if she could handle an overnight visit with her father. She waffled right up until the time she had to go. Waffled to the point where she left with wet clothes from the washer to hang up in their hotel room because she waited until it was almost time to go before even starting her laundry.

Their father did nothing to get them ready. Did not help them buy a gift for the cousin's Christening or for their other cousin's 2nd birthday. Did not help them get outfits for the events. I was the one who took them out and got them outfits and presents. Daughter had a black lace-trimmed top and a black velvet dress with ankle high black boots while son wore a burgundy button up top and grey slacks. I sent daughter out to get leggings to go with her skirt one busy night then forgot that she hadn't found a pair. She had a pair at home she liked but they were ones she'd artistically torn in various places. You can guess which ones she wore.

I'm well aware that daughter wasn't an angel on the visit. My issue is that her father stooped down to her level to argue with her and fight dirty with her. He didn't like her outfit, specifically her leggings, but didn't offer to take her out and buy a new pair of leggings. Instead he told her to do him a favour and not attend his funeral! When he dropped the kids off he made a big show of loudly saying goodbye and I love you to our son... then walked out without a word to our daughter.

She's refusing to speak to him now and doesn't want to see him... and on his side he's laughing about her still having a burr up her behind.

What I'm having problems dealing with is the anger. She keeps yelling and screaming that she wants to punch him in the face and how, if he keeps asking to speak to her she's going to punch him in the face. That she wants to punch his nose and make him bleed.

Has anyone here dealt with anything like this before? How do I help her work past this? I've already suggested counseling and she's turned it down.

Kathleen in Canada

Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain.

mypositivesteps.blogspot.com/


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