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BERT_THE_RN's Photo BERT_THE_RN Posts: 2,571
1/27/10 5:31 A

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An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'



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((¸¸.·´ .♥ BERT♥ ..'))-:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*




“I attribute my success to this - I never gave or took any excuse.”

♥ Florence Nightingale♥



"Everyday in everyway-I am getting better and better!"

-:¦:-Dr Emile Coué -:¦:-


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BERT_THE_RN's Photo BERT_THE_RN Posts: 2,571
1/20/10 3:17 A

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That works for me! **LOL**

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((¸¸.·´ .♥ BERT♥ ..'))-:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*




“I attribute my success to this - I never gave or took any excuse.”

♥ Florence Nightingale♥



"Everyday in everyway-I am getting better and better!"

-:¦:-Dr Emile Coué -:¦:-


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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
1/19/10 8:55 P

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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.



This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00....

on one condition..."


Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."



The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....


"Clean my house."




There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

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QUEENCHRISTY's Photo QUEENCHRISTY Posts: 1,338
1/19/10 12:00 P

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What I Have Learned As A School Nurse


1. Ignorance is curable through knowledge. Stupidity is terminal.
2. Even malingerers occasionally will really get sick.
3. You can only count on a new phone number being good for the first 24 hours after receiving it.
4. The smaller the splinter, the greater the pain.
5. Substitute teachers = massive student referrals.
6. Lunch breaks are…wait a minute—we get lunch breaks???
7. The shorter the time you have at your school, the longer the line is outside your office door.
8. You always need one more file drawer than you have available.
9. Mardi Gras beads will fit inside a 4-year-old’s ear…and nose.
10. Having 10 “alternate contact” phone numbers does not mean you will be able to reach anyone to pick up a sick student.
11. Being flexible is much more important than being organized.
12. After working on an IHSP and care plan for 6 hours, the worst words you’ll ever hear are, “Oh, I forgot to tell you…”
13. Sitting a sick student next to the trash can does not necessarily mean the vomit will land there.
14. Schedules will change. So will the rules.
15. The parents you wish you could choke today are the same ones you’ll be calling to volunteer during hearing and vision.
16. You don’t do this job for the money; you do it for the children…and the time off.
17. It will seem that the last minute IEP is the one that requires medicals.
18. Tourette’s Syndrome will be changed to Toilet’s syndrome if you allow spell check to do so in your care plans, and teachers will notice! (This may be the only care plan they read that year, but they notice.)
19. When emailing health care plans, the plan does not automatically attach itself to the email.
20. Scheduling hand-washing/infection control classes with teachers is akin to war strategy.

© 2008 QueenChristy

Edited by: QUEENCHRISTY at: 1/19/2010 (12:02)
Queen MotorMouth of the Bodacious Benton Belles, chapter 75211 of the Red Hat Society.
www.orgsites.com/la/bodacious-benton
-belles/index.html


Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, a glass of wine in one hand and a Godiva chocolate in the other, loudly proclaiming "Holy $#!+...What a Ride!"


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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
1/13/10 11:55 A

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emoticon

There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


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BERT_THE_RN's Photo BERT_THE_RN Posts: 2,571
1/13/10 3:21 A

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Where can I buy a bag? I promise to share **LOL**
Maybe they can make some with an Ativan center for the pt/worker that need extra help!

´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ .♥ BERT♥ ..'))-:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*




“I attribute my success to this - I never gave or took any excuse.”

♥ Florence Nightingale♥



"Everyday in everyway-I am getting better and better!"

-:¦:-Dr Emile Coué -:¦:-


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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
1/8/10 9:50 P

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cute..........thanks for sharing.........

There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


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MKAYRAS's Photo MKAYRAS Posts: 8
1/8/10 9:06 P

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Just have to add one of our favorite ideas in ER...Xanax lolipops at ER registration. It makes our lives easier, and solves half the problems that they are there with any way...chest pain, abd pain, jitteriness, lonliness, insomnia(at 9am) emoticon

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BERT_THE_RN's Photo BERT_THE_RN Posts: 2,571
1/7/10 12:32 A

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I always come home with etoh wipes
**LOL**
NOT ON PURPOSE AND I ALWAYS TAKE THEM AGAIN TO WORK!

Just in case my boss is reading this!
emoticon

´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ .♥ BERT♥ ..'))-:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*




“I attribute my success to this - I never gave or took any excuse.”

♥ Florence Nightingale♥



"Everyday in everyway-I am getting better and better!"

-:¦:-Dr Emile Coué -:¦:-


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LOSINGITB430's Photo LOSINGITB430 Posts: 678
12/27/09 7:30 P

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lol... so funny... but true... i have a friend with a tote bag that says something similar... but one says "All the free latex gloves"

In all ways acknowledge Him, and He shall make your path straight ~Proverbs

Worrying is like a rocking chair... gives you something to do, but gets you no where!

If you want something you've never had, you'll have to do something you've never done.
�Dave Ramsey

Food network... an informative cooking channel or porn for dieters?


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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
12/23/09 8:51 A

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so true..................thanks for sharing.........

There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


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0
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BERT_THE_RN's Photo BERT_THE_RN Posts: 2,571
12/23/09 2:13 A

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"Ten Reasons To Become a Nurse"

10. Pays better than McDonald´s (though the hours aren´t as good.)
9. Fashionable shoes and sexy nurses uniforms.
8. Needles: ´tis better to give than to receive.
7. Confidence in reassuring patients that all bleeding stops ... eventually.
6. Opportunity to expose yourself to rare, exotic, and exciting new diseases.
5. Interesting aromas.
4. Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly clear handwriting.
2. Celebration of holidays with all your friends ... at WORK.
1. Comfort in the knowledge that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.


´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ .♥ BERT♥ ..'))-:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*




“I attribute my success to this - I never gave or took any excuse.”

♥ Florence Nightingale♥



"Everyday in everyway-I am getting better and better!"

-:¦:-Dr Emile Coué -:¦:-


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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
12/7/09 10:30 A

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good ones......thanks for sharing.......... emoticon

There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


 October Minutes: 1,920
0
943.75
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2831.25
3775
BERT_THE_RN's Photo BERT_THE_RN Posts: 2,571
12/7/09 10:13 A

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"You Might Be a Nurse If..."

*You can drink a pot of coffee and still go to sleep in the morning.

*You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazapam, and Compazine.

*You can´t see it; it´s probably not there.

*Your sense of humor seems to get more warped each year.

*You think it is acceptable to use "penis" and "vagina" in a normal conversation.

*You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven´t fallen asleep yet.

*You believe that if warm wine enemas were routinely ordered, patient complaints would greatly decrease.

*You call some of your co-workers "Flowers in the Field of Medicine" because they´re bloomin´ idiots.

*You hope there´s a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.

*You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are dead.

*You believe experience is something you don´t get until just after you need it.

*You see stress as a normal way of life.

*You have a tendency to laugh at your patient´s "big" problems.

*You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.

*You believe the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

*You´ve ever thought, "Patients, God love ´em, because today, I sure don´t!"

*Everything only happens all at once.

*You have more T-shirts that say, "Love a nurse PRN" than plain T-shirts.

*You´ve ever referred to other nurses as "Band-Aid Bunnies."

*You´ve ever been telling work stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw-up.

*You write a patient report and have to translate it to medical records because of all the acronyms in it.

*You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse.

*You look in your closet and can´t find anything non-medical to wear.

*You´ve ever told anyone in pain to "stop being a baby and deal with it."

*You have a patient in four-point leathers that asks if you´re a nurse, you reply "Yes", and walk away.

*You´ve ever told a patient to "stop faking it."

*You believe all bleeding stops...eventually.

*You don´t get excited about blood loss unless it´s your own.

*You don´t hit patients or doctors....unless absolutely necessary.

*You believe the pain will go away when it stops hurting.

*Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you´ve obviously don´t understand the situation.

*You believe if you can keep your head among all this confusion, you obviously don´t understand the situation.

*You´ve ever said, "Why am I here?"

*If you believe if a patient who has a catheter, he needs it.

*Everyone gets treated exactly the same...until they piss you off.

*When you get a call telling you the name of your next admit and you can do the care plan before the patient gets to the floor.

*When called for orders, the MD says, "Write them yourself; you know the patient better than I do."

*You´ve ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is an emergency.

*Ever rolled your eyes when the 14 year-old says, "No, I´ve never had sex."

*You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.

*You can eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand, and it doesn´t bother you.

*You believe Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin provides a large part of your daily calorie intake requirements.

*You´ve ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone´s vein and said, "Now your going to feel a little stick."

*You can identify the "PID Shuffle" and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 15 feet.

*You´ve ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I´m afraid of shots."

*You´ve ever thought, "As long as he´s got a pulse, I don´t care about the rhythm."

*You think the ultimate cruel joke is get someone drunk, take them to the ER and tell them he OD´d on "some kind of pills."

*You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily.

*You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, "Just two beers."

*You feel that if someone is shot or stabbed, they probably deserved it.

*You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.

*You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status.

*You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.

*You have encouraged obnoxious patients to sign out AMA.

*You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

*Your most common assessment question at 2 a.m. is "Why is this an emergency now?"

*You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.

*You don´t believe 90% of what you´re told, and 75% of what you see.

*You firmly believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis.

*You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.

*You believe a book entitled "Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time" will be your next project.

*You believe a good tape job will fix anything.

*You´ve ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "I don´t know how that got stuck in there."

*You have ever had a patient say, "I´m not pregnant, I can´t be pregnant! I can´t be having a baby!"

*You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol.



´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ .♥ BERT♥ ..'))-:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*




“I attribute my success to this - I never gave or took any excuse.”

♥ Florence Nightingale♥



"Everyday in everyway-I am getting better and better!"

-:¦:-Dr Emile Coué -:¦:-


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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
12/5/09 11:53 P

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These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people have actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________
__

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________
___

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________
____

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
__________________________________________
_

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Really??

________________________________________
____

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________
__

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________________________________________
__

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________
_

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________________________________________
__

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


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BERT_THE_RN's Photo BERT_THE_RN Posts: 2,571
12/5/09 3:21 A

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ROFL!

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¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ .♥ BERT♥ ..'))-:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*




“I attribute my success to this - I never gave or took any excuse.”

♥ Florence Nightingale♥



"Everyday in everyway-I am getting better and better!"

-:¦:-Dr Emile Coué -:¦:-


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CASPEARS1's Photo CASPEARS1 Posts: 147
11/29/09 5:30 P

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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
11/28/09 9:16 P

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2009's First Christmas Joke


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......


There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


 October Minutes: 1,920
0
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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
11/19/09 11:29 P

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i couldn't put all the chocolate picture in but this is fun anyways...........

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH


Don't tell me your age; you'd probably lie anyway-but the Hershey Man will know!

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.


1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)


2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator


5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ...
If you haven't, add 1758..

6... Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.



You should have a three digit number




The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).




The next two numbers are



YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)


THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
Chocolate
Calculator.


There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


 October Minutes: 1,920
0
943.75
1887.5
2831.25
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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
11/18/09 9:25 P

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A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "is my time up?"

God said "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After has last operation, she was released from the hospital, While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why did'nt you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied : "I didn't recognize you."


There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
11/5/09 10:35 P

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Three Little Prayers
Three men walking through the woods get lost and find themselves at a raging river. As night begins to fall the men turn to prayer.
1st man: Dear God, please help me to cross this river.
*Poof*
A rubber raft appears and the man paddles and fights his way across taking five hours.
2nd man: Dear God, please help me to quickly cross this river.
*Poof*
A wooden boat appears and he rows across to the other side of the river taking three hours.
3rd man: Dear God, please give me the presence of mind, the courage and ability to make it across the river.
*Poof*
The man changes into a woman, she reads the map, and walks over the bridge.



There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


 October Minutes: 1,920
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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
11/3/09 10:19 P

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got this on another team and thought it was fun to share it.......

Eonverye taht can raed tihs rsaie yuor hnad.


To my 'selected' strange-minded friends:

If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your
friends and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line.


----------------------------------------
----------------------------------------



Only
great
minds can read
this
This is weird, but
interesting!


fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too!

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I
awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you
can raed tihs forwrad it


There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


 October Minutes: 1,920
0
943.75
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2831.25
3775
L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
11/1/09 10:44 P

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HAIRCUT

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair,John the Baptist had long hair,Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'


There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


 October Minutes: 1,920
0
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3775
L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
10/18/09 12:49 A

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Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
They’re such smart alecks.


There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


 October Minutes: 1,920
0
943.75
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2831.25
3775
ADORNED2's Photo ADORNED2 Posts: 6,064
10/4/09 2:20 P

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too cute

Teresa



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STORMFAN's Photo STORMFAN Posts: 5,763
10/4/09 12:41 P

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LITA that is wonderful thanks

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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
10/4/09 12:11 P

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Two Little Boys

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They

were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.

If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably

involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been

successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak

with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the

mother sent the 8 year old first in the morning, with the older boy to

see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down

and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?'

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there

wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where

is God?'


Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice

even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where

is God?'

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove

into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother

found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?'

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG

trouble this time,' (I just LOVE reading this next line again and

again:)

'GOD is missing, and they think we did it.'


There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


 October Minutes: 1,920
0
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STORMFAN's Photo STORMFAN Posts: 5,763
9/18/09 3:57 A

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Oh my goodness this had me laughting out loud thank you for sharing this storm

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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
9/17/09 11:28 P

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DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like
to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
different.. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


 October Minutes: 1,920
0
943.75
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2831.25
3775
L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
9/8/09 10:20 A

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too cute............thanks for sharing.......

There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


 October Minutes: 1,920
0
943.75
1887.5
2831.25
3775
ADORNED2's Photo ADORNED2 Posts: 6,064
9/8/09 9:51 A

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Daddy, how was I born?


A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down...You'll love this ...


'You got Male!

Teresa



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STORMFAN's Photo STORMFAN Posts: 5,763
9/7/09 1:21 P

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First message of the day and already laughing. thanks

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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
9/7/09 12:05 P

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The Italian Secret of a Long Marriage:

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's only marriage seminar.
At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wel la, I've a-tried to treat-a her nizza, spenda money on her, but besta of all is that I tooka her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th Anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."


There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


 October Minutes: 1,920
0
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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
9/2/09 10:30 P

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AVAILABLE NOW - CLASSES FOR MEN

ALL ARE WELCOME

***OPEN TO MEN ONLY***

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, lunch will be provided as will instructions on how to take lunch from its packaging without a woman to hold it for you.

Topics covered on this course include:

DAY ONE

TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (pictures and graphics)

DISHES & CUTLERY; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate amongst a panel of experts

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Helpline and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down whilst shouting - Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS/ BOTTLES; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation and anger management

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Role playing and slide show

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class, NOT your secretary

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
(male counsellors sadly unavailable-none passed training course)



There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


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0
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REDRUDY5 Posts: 11,409
8/30/09 4:12 P

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thanks for the smiles! emoticon

L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
8/27/09 11:02 A

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cute one thanks..........

There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


 October Minutes: 1,920
0
943.75
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2831.25
3775
BERT_THE_RN's Photo BERT_THE_RN Posts: 2,571
8/27/09 3:33 A

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A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'


´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ .♥ BERT♥ ..'))-:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*




“I attribute my success to this - I never gave or took any excuse.”

♥ Florence Nightingale♥



"Everyday in everyway-I am getting better and better!"

-:¦:-Dr Emile Coué -:¦:-


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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
8/25/09 5:13 P

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good ones thanks for sharing............

There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


 October Minutes: 1,920
0
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BERT_THE_RN's Photo BERT_THE_RN Posts: 2,571
8/25/09 3:09 P

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I LOVE THE JOKES ABOUT CHILDREN-CAN YOU TELL**LOL**

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ .♥ BERT♥ ..'))-:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*




“I attribute my success to this - I never gave or took any excuse.”

♥ Florence Nightingale♥



"Everyday in everyway-I am getting better and better!"

-:¦:-Dr Emile Coué -:¦:-


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BERT_THE_RN's Photo BERT_THE_RN Posts: 2,571
8/25/09 2:06 A

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A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ .♥ BERT♥ ..'))-:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*




“I attribute my success to this - I never gave or took any excuse.”

♥ Florence Nightingale♥



"Everyday in everyway-I am getting better and better!"

-:¦:-Dr Emile Coué -:¦:-


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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
8/18/09 11:48 A

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emoticon

There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


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BERT_THE_RN's Photo BERT_THE_RN Posts: 2,571
8/18/09 5:50 A

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MAMONTOYA-Especially those patients and Doctors that you just can not seem to get to smile no matter how hard you try!- when you finally get them to give even a smirk-it is wonderful!


´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ .♥ BERT♥ ..'))-:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*




“I attribute my success to this - I never gave or took any excuse.”

♥ Florence Nightingale♥



"Everyday in everyway-I am getting better and better!"

-:¦:-Dr Emile Coué -:¦:-


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STORMFAN's Photo STORMFAN Posts: 5,763
8/7/09 12:18 A

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This is just too good to not share I just had to send this to my daughter. I am sure she will laugh as well and probably send it on. It is appropriate. storm

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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
8/6/09 11:39 P

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes.

When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.





There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


 October Minutes: 1,920
0
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3775
STORMFAN's Photo STORMFAN Posts: 5,763
8/2/09 3:08 P

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mamonroya great point

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MAMONTOYA's Photo MAMONTOYA Posts: 1,891
8/2/09 10:22 A

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Laughter IS good medicine. I appreciate a good joke every now and again. But what is valuable to me, is to be able to turn an unpleasant patient, event, circumstance or MD into a pleasant. It is amazing how stress levels decrease with a humor. I use it every day.
emoticon

To thine ownself be true. All things are possible thru God.

The momentum of progress is unstoppable.


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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* Posts: 231,265
7/30/09 9:58 A

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cute..............thanks for sharing..........

There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.
When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And
maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world
Breathe in love & compassion.. Breathe out peace & forgiveness.

Pacific time


 October Minutes: 1,920
0
943.75
1887.5
2831.25
3775
BERT_THE_RN's Photo BERT_THE_RN Posts: 2,571
7/30/09 2:51 A

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A man is walking down the street and sees a sign in the pet shop window saying: Parrot $10,000.
This makes the man wonder why is the parrot so expensive? Just what kind of parrot is this?
So the man goes in to the shop and asks the clerk about the bird.
The clerk replies that the parrot is bi-lingual and that is why he is so expensive. "Really" says the man, "show me".
So the clerk says "okay watch this"
The clerk pulls the parrots left leg and the parrot says-"Hello how are you?"
"Cool" says the man.
Then the clerk pulls the right leg and the parrot says-"Hola como estas?"
"WOW" says the man, "that is amazing!"
The man then says "gee I wonder what would happen if you were to pull both his legs?"
The parrot replies: "I would fall on my ass stupido!"

Edited by: BERT_THE_RN at: 7/30/2009 (02:52)
´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ .♥ BERT♥ ..'))-:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*




“I attribute my success to this - I never gave or took any excuse.”

♥ Florence Nightingale♥



"Everyday in everyway-I am getting better and better!"

-:¦:-Dr Emile Coué -:¦:-


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STORMFAN's Photo STORMFAN Posts: 5,763
7/25/09 1:33 P

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That is so funny and I bet we all see some of these older people driving in our community

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BERT_THE_RN's Photo BERT_THE_RN Posts: 2,571
7/23/09 3:24 A

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I think my grand mother who is 92 invented the hawaiian good luck sign! **LOL**

´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ .♥ BERT♥ ..'))-:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*




“I attribute my success to this - I never gave or took any excuse.”

♥ Florence Nightingale♥



"Everyday in everyway-I am getting better and better!"

-:¦:-Dr Emile Coué -:¦:-


 current weight: 200.0 
217
200.25
183.5
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