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3/19/19 5:45 P

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DTSOBEL, I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you! If I became homeless right now, I wouldn't have a friend I could call. I don't even have a car I could live in. I count my blessings on having a reliable roof over my head every day, but like you learned, you never know. I'm terrified every year during hurricane season, although most of the bad ones never hit us because we're 100 miles inland. But the outer bands sometimes spin off tornadoes, and I'm terrified one will tear through here and destroy everything.

I never in a million years thought I'd be living like this in my old age.

Just remember when you're having a horrible day that your track record of getting through horrible days is 100%.

Edited by: DAINFL at: 3/19/2019 (17:46)
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DTSOBEL's Photo DTSOBEL Posts: 4,136
3/19/19 4:36 P

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Dainfl,

I can identify with your post. For the most part, I think people suck and I would rather be by myself then to be near people and then be rejected. Online can be even worse because they can say things that they may not say to you in real life and to your face.

In November, CA had severe fires. We were in a mandatory evacuation area. We called up one of my closest friends to see if we could go there. She said NO, go to a shelter. Later she told me it isn't her fault we don't have any other friends, or a relationship with my husband's family. And how I suck as a friend anyways. Guess what, we quit the group that couldn't help us in our time of need. A group we had been a part of for 25 yrs!

I didn't need that kind of negativity in my life. Being by myself is better!

I have also been having a hard day today. Usually Mondays are hard. But today was WAY worse then yesterday.

Tova, West Hills, CA (Los Angeles)

Ms Tova SlytherDor Tri Team 21.22.23

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3/19/19 11:34 A

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TY Miller and Kris

I have been diagnosed as "treatment resistant" for depression, because none of the anti-depressants work for me for very long, and I can't afford the very new ones because my insurance won't cover them. I try to treat it naturally with vitamins/supplements, meditation and exercise (which I've been slacking on lately). If I stay busy, I usually don't get depressed much.

In my home state, I had so many friends and made friends easily. I'm a southerner, so a lot of the people where I used to live in SW Florida were northerners, and I could not relate to them, nor they to me. I moved to N. Florida, which is more of a southern feel, but I'm in a college town where I have to really seek out people my age. Without a car, it's difficult to get to places where I can meet such people. All the senior centers and activities are on the other side of town where it takes over an hour to go one-way. It's just not worth it to me to ride for 3 hours round trip to do an hour of activities.

I'll survive. I've survived so far, but I'm really looking forward to the day when I can save enough money to move back home. I wish I had never left.

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3/19/19 4:28 A

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Hi DAINFL - I can understand your pain.

Unfortunately, a lot of people may SAY that they are there for others, but the reality is that they are all about themselves and don't won't to listen to others' problems. I think it is very sad because we all need someone some time.

You must remember that altho' many of us 'know' others here, unless we have met them and communicated fully with them, we don't fully know them. Miller and I developed a really good friendship that has sustained over the years, and there are some other very good friendships I have developed here as well. One thing I have noticed over the years is that sometimes people join and they really rush into be friends with others and don't take time to develop that friendship through those General Chat or Chatter threads that Miller is referring to.

People join SP for various reasons and often they don't stay very long. It can leave a person feeling abandoned when this happens, especially if they don't have and/many friends in their physical life.

I hope that you have spoken with your Dr about your depression. If not, perhaps it would be a really good idea. I read your SparkPage and see that there have been events which could have impacted on it.

BIG hugs,
Kris xxx



Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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ndividual.asp?gid=953


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ndividual.asp?gid=30225


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I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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MILLER-S's Photo MILLER-S Posts: 19,655
3/18/19 5:23 P

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I feel that way in "real" life. I don't feel safe in real-life relationships. I'm always afraid when people get to know the "real me," they won't like me anymore. Or, I'm afraid people will ask more of me than I can give and I will feel overwhelmed and stuck.

I'm friends with people on SparkPeople, but I rarely if ever email anyone unless they email me first. I prefer to be friends through posting on team threads like General Chat or General Chatter or here on threads like this one. That's worked pretty well for me.

I have been sad a few times when Spark friends left SparkPeople, but that's just the way it goes, I guess. I really treasure the friends I have here who do stay for a long time.

I hope things get better for you in regard to friendships. I can certainly relate.

Miller emoticon



Edited by: MILLER-S at: 3/18/2019 (17:30)
Miller

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"Let me not miss all that I am by punishing myself for what I am not." - unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be."~unknown

"Growth is becoming comfortable with discomfort." - John Dowd, Jr.
"Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life."


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3/18/19 3:54 P

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HI! I'm a new member, and I'm having some depression issues over friendships. I can't seem to keep friends, especially online friends. They always just drop me or disappear or flat out tell me I'm this or that and they don't want to be my friend anymore.

The strange thing is, I don't reach out to be friends with anyone. These are all people who reach out to me, then when we become friends, they start to find fault with me and eventually it's all over. The last one was from my last stint at SP. She reached out to me, said she thought we had a lot in common, but sort of suddenly, her emails got less frequent and shorter. Then she told me I was too much like her family, because I would say I was a depressed and didn't feel like talking so she never knew if I was there for her or not. HUH?? That felt like a "my way or the highway" ultimatum, still, I tried to be more constant, but it didn't seem to help. Her last message to me was short and sharp, so I just didn't reply, and don't intend to reply if she ever emails me again. I felt I was walking on eggshells all the time with her at the end.

My dad used to say I was a psycho magnet, that all the crazy people seemed to find me. I wonder sometimes if that isn't true, that disturbed people see something in me that makes them think they can abuse me and get away with it.

I try to be kind to everyone, but I'm not a robot, and I can't be upbeat and happy all the time. It's got me so I don't want to make friends anymore. It's safer and less hurtful to just keep people at arm's length.

Follow my journey on my personal blog
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DTSOBEL's Photo DTSOBEL Posts: 4,136
3/13/19 4:13 P

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Ty Miller.

Tova, West Hills, CA (Los Angeles)

Ms Tova SlytherDor Tri Team 21.22.23

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MILLER-S's Photo MILLER-S Posts: 19,655
3/11/19 3:07 P

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Hugs to you, Tova!!! emoticon emoticon

Miller

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"Let me not miss all that I am by punishing myself for what I am not." - unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be."~unknown

"Growth is becoming comfortable with discomfort." - John Dowd, Jr.
"Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life."


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DTSOBEL's Photo DTSOBEL Posts: 4,136
3/11/19 1:28 P

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Thank you for all the support. I am just tired of not feeling well and it is getting me very down!

Tova, West Hills, CA (Los Angeles)

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LINDAW1207's Photo LINDAW1207 SparkPoints: (14,301)
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3/9/19 3:24 P

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Tova I hope you are having a better day that's a lot of medication

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3/8/19 10:14 P

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DTSOBEL I hope you are feeling better.

Happy International Women's Day everyone.

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3/8/19 2:40 A

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Tova - I can understand your being down, especially given the circumstances.

I'm with Miller re her statement.

xxx

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3/7/19 7:02 P

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Just wanted to stop by and say my heart goes out to all who are struggling. I hope things get better for everyone.

Hugs, emoticon

Miller



Miller

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"Let me not miss all that I am by punishing myself for what I am not." - unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be."~unknown

"Growth is becoming comfortable with discomfort." - John Dowd, Jr.
"Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life."


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3/6/19 4:26 P

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Kris, yes, I have had extensive allergy testing. Both skin testing for over 100 items and blood tests. My blood tests came out that I have ZERO histamine in my system. With 0 histamine, my body isn't fighting any allergens. Another blood test they tested me for was eosinophils. Again, I had ZERO eosinophils. If the general population were tested for histamine and eosinophils, people who aren't even having an allergic reaction, everyone would have some histamine and eosinophils as that is our body's mechanism to keep allergens away. The fact that I have NONE means it is without a doubt, not an allergy. But that said, I take 6, yes 6 tablets of Allegra (which allergic people take 1) daily as per my immunologist.

I am just very down today. I want to feel better.

Tova, West Hills, CA (Los Angeles)

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3/5/19 10:14 P

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ITSPURPLESPICE I agree with Tova. Sometimes aiming for doing just a little, often leads to us being able to stretch ourselves a bit further. I've done that many times with Pilates. That 5 minutes can extend to 10 or 15 minutes.

Have you got someone in your 'real' life who you can talk with about your relationships/issues? I had a Dr for many many years, who was really good for me including in that respect Sometimes you don't want someone to give advice as such but rather to say " I have a shoulder you can lean on" or "I will listen" is all that we need. Just knowing someone cares!

Tova - I know that you have indicated that your hives aren't allergy related, but have you had real extensive allergy tests? I ask this because I have suffered from them too, and so has my grandson. We come from a family of plenty of allergies. We had to ask for very specific allergy tests for g/son that they don't do blood tests for. Things like Kiwifruit, orange, etc. Because of his severe risk of anaphylaxis he had to be tested in a major hospital.

My severe hives came about because when I was admitted to hospital after a bad car accident, and altho' I had told them of my allergies, when I was finally allowed to eat, they kept giving me foods/drinks that weren't really suitable. I got sick of telling them, so in the end I ate/drank them. I was in hospital a week. When I came out it was months before I could even eat 1 small SLICE of apple without blowing up in hives. It was because, altho' I could tolerate it previously, they overdosed me on the acidic foods. I kept (and still do) a very extensive diary of what I eat and when. It also included heart rate (tachycardia) if I was outside, wind direction etc. and any other symptoms I had and the time of them. This was done in spreadsheet format because it is much easier to find the culprit. One symptom I soon realized there was always a specific smell involved. I tracked that smell down to a blooming orange shrub. Pine pollen also caused a rapid heart beat, but the standard allergy test didn't show that as an allergen.

Kris

Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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ndividual.asp?gid=30225


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ndividual.asp?gid=17464


I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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DTSOBEL's Photo DTSOBEL Posts: 4,136
3/5/19 3:18 P

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Thank you Linda for the support. I know I am not in a great place. These hives really make me downward spiral! I am better (in terms of hives) today but still not great!

Itspurplespice, try just one yoga pose and see if that helps.

Tova, West Hills, CA (Los Angeles)

Ms Tova SlytherDor Tri Team 21.22.23

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LINDAW1207's Photo LINDAW1207 SparkPoints: (14,301)
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3/5/19 2:39 P

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Tova hang in there emoticon

Itspurplespice emoticon it's a hard place your at right now and not easy to get out of. For me finally I found help in a VA program. I tried back in 2017 to find my motivation again when my health put me in the hospital. Plus I see a counselor.

Yoga is a great way to get center. I'll have to find the article that helped me. Basically it was about the why's you want to get healthy and how important it is to you. I had to find my why's then I went looking to get help from the VA. emoticon the team is always here for you

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3/5/19 10:22 A

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Hi all, I'm new(ish) to the team. First time posting. I'm having a rough go of it lately. I don't want to go into a lot of details but I'm struggling in some of my relationships and it is really taking a toll on me emotionally. I have been using yoga as a means of both exercise and a way to center my mind, release the stress but I haven't been able to bring myself to practice for the last five days and I'm worried about finding the motivation to get back into the habit now that I've fallen out of it. My self talk is very negative today. I just overall am not feeling myself right now. I know that getting back into my positive habits will help but I just can't get myself there. You guys seem like a great supportive group, I had hoped maybe some of you have been in this place before and have ideas for how to get out of it.

Edited by: ITSPURPLESPICE at: 3/5/2019 (12:40)
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3/4/19 9:18 P

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Good luck.

My late husband was very lucky that when he was on Prednisone (for Crohn's Disease) he never had any side effects at all.

Hang in there.
Kris

Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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ndividual.asp?gid=953


Team Leader Essential Tremors :-) (Benign and Familial) www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=30225


Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
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I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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3/4/19 4:13 P

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Back on Prednisone on Saturday. Felt fantastic yesterday and then boom, sick again last night. Didn't really want to go to school today but did anyways! Feeling a bit better now but that isn't saying much!

Did my second shot of Ozempic last night. Here's to hoping but it is hard to tell when on Prednisone.

Tova, West Hills, CA (Los Angeles)

Ms Tova SlytherDor Tri Team 21.22.23

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3/2/19 9:40 P

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Sending you hugs, Tova

emoticon

Kris

Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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ndividual.asp?gid=953


Team Leader Essential Tremors :-) (Benign and Familial) www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=30225


Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=17464


I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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LINDAW1207's Photo LINDAW1207 SparkPoints: (14,301)
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3/2/19 6:32 P

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Tova are you feeling any better today? Hopefully the doctors will get the right medication for you.

Hope everyone is doing well

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MILLER-S's Photo MILLER-S Posts: 19,655
3/2/19 6:00 A

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DTSOBEL, I'm sorry you're in such bad pain. I hope you can find something to ease it. Take care and hang in there. I hope soon things will be better for you.

emoticon

Miller

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"Let me not miss all that I am by punishing myself for what I am not." - unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be."~unknown

"Growth is becoming comfortable with discomfort." - John Dowd, Jr.
"Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life."


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3/1/19 2:37 P

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I am really struggling today. I hurt so badly today. I can't take the pain!

Tova, West Hills, CA (Los Angeles)

Ms Tova SlytherDor Tri Team 21.22.23

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2/28/19 8:01 P

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Tova - you are very lucky to have a BIL who has those qualifications. It sounds like he is in your corner re the medication angle, and I dare say your emotional angle, too.

I am hoping that the Ozempic does what it is intended to do, and without negative side effects.

Hang in there.

BIG hugs,
Kris

Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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ndividual.asp?gid=953


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ndividual.asp?gid=30225


Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
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ndividual.asp?gid=17464


I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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2/28/19 4:02 P

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DTSOBEL, I'm sorry you're struggling so much to find the right diabetes medication. My husband takes Metformin and at first, it caused diarrhea, but then he learned to take it with food and it was okay. I hope the Ozempic will work well for you and that things will get better and brighter soon.

Take care,

Miller


Miller

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"Let me not miss all that I am by punishing myself for what I am not." - unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be."~unknown

"Growth is becoming comfortable with discomfort." - John Dowd, Jr.
"Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life."


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2/28/19 3:57 P

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MARIE, I'm sorry the lady was so rude to you. She sounds like an abrasive person. I'll bet your boss will miss you!! *Thanks for asking about my pain. My upper body pain got better and then worse again so I had to go back to PT. I had an injection in my knee, but it still hurts. I'm hanging in there, though. I know it could be so much worse. I hope all goes well with you for the future regarding work and just life in general. How have you been since leaving your job?

Hugs, emoticon

Miller

Edited by: MILLER-S at: 2/28/2019 (15:58)
Miller

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"Let me not miss all that I am by punishing myself for what I am not." - unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be."~unknown

"Growth is becoming comfortable with discomfort." - John Dowd, Jr.
"Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life."


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2/28/19 3:02 P

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I have been a diabetic since Oct, 2016. I tried Metformin for 2 days and had SEVERE vertigo. So my internist put me on Nesina. My BIL, who is an endocrinologist, felt it wasn't the best med to be on. But when I talked to my internist, he felt it was a good drug for me. This was over 2 yrs ago. 1 month later, my hives started. We wondered if it was related to the meds. I came off the Nesina for maybe 2 months but don't really remember. My hives have gone from really bad to be hive free for months. My last bout of hives was during the summer. But this time, it was as bad as when I first got sick. I have been getting a shot every 28 days to keep the hives better under control. My hives are called Chronic Idiopathic Urticaria. Meaning, long time undermined cause of hives. It is not an allergy!

My BIL did more research and thinks that I may not have been off the Nesina long enough to know if it is the cause of the hives. So I decided to go to an endocrinologist. He agreed with my BIL and felt Nesina isn't the best drug for me, in general but also it might be the cause of the hives. So he felt, as my BIL did, that I would benefit from being on Ozempic. And a nice side effect is weight loss.

All this leads to severe depression. It is so painful and I can't do anything about it. It makes me lose all motivation!

Tova, West Hills, CA (Los Angeles)

Ms Tova SlytherDor Tri Team 21.22.23

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2/21/19 10:58 P

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Oh wow. I'm glad all the professionals around her saw what was going on. Sometimes doctors just ignore certain abuses because they don't want to get involved in "family issues".

Well, tomorrow is my last day at work. I'm wrapping up all loose ends. I'm OCD about that. I can't leave unless everything is in place and all the paperwork is "perfect". I'm sure it's part of my "perfectionist disease" that I diagnosed myself with. Sometimes I can drive myself crazy with it.

It's funny because I talked to the new person who will take over for me in another state. She's so rude and abrasive! She snapped at me on the phone a couple times. I was trying to actually help her yet she acted so rude. I have a feeling she won't last very long. My boss won't want to deal with that. Oh well, not my problem anymore. He did ask if I would be available to be a consultant if needed for training here and there. I said yes, but now I'm thinking it would be better for me to just close the chapter. Hopefully he won't call.

How is everyone?

Miller, how is your pain? Is it getting any better?



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2/17/19 3:37 A

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Apart from the fact they were ignorant, they actually THOUGHT that they were doing the 'right' thing. My MIL's Doctor (my Dr also, and the same Dr for some of those other family members) was highly disgusted with them, as was the Geriatrician. I saw him at the Hospital in the City one day and thanked him for the report he sent through to our Dr. I told him I felt it was tantamount to Elder Abuse. He said straight out, "it WAS Elder Abuse and one of the most serious cases I have come across!" This is a Geriatrician who was THE head of a big hospital's Services for Older People!

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MARIENOW's Photo MARIENOW SparkPoints: (11,705)
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2/16/19 6:51 P

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Kris, wow how sad that they got rid of all her stuff! Why would they do such a thing. Someone in another group mentioned something similar that she's going through right now with her sick Aunt. The family is selling off everything. I was shocked. Its not their stuff! So glad your MIL went to live with you and that you spoiled her. That's very supportive of you as a DIL and also as a wife. I'm sure your hubby always appreciated how you treated his Mom.

Miller, that's a good idea, I should write it all down. I am working on a novel in my spare time just for fun (I will probably never finish!) but maybe I could put in a chapter about a toxic woman using her as the inspiration. Who knows, maybe that would be cathartic. I will have to see her in a few months at a wedding and I'm sooo not looking forward to it. Ugh. I keep trying to tell myself to treat her as nice as I would treat anyone, like a co-worker or mail carrier. I keep telling myself she is not part of my inner circle on any level so I shouldn't let her affect me so much.

Linda, yeah I guess I just need to set boundaries in my head so that I don't get too close to her. Maybe part of me is afraid if I let me guard down, she will end up just creating problems in my life. One of her bad habits she's had her whole life is she literally lies like a dog. So she will quote me and tell people I said some outrageous or horrible thing that I would never say in a million years. The family knows she lies so no one believes her but still it's annoying to be misquoted. That's why one of the boundaries I have been following is to never actually talk to her unless I have other people there for witnesses. Texting feels harmless because it's just small talk and greetings, nothing in depth. And if I ever need to prove that I didn't say something, I would have it in writing. Sounds crazy but that's how I am looking at it.

Ugh! Thanks for your input everyone! I want to be happy and just focus on my own life and let all these negative thoughts leave my head. There's nothing I can do to change how my Mom was treated or to help her now. I have to find a way to accept that.

Ladybug, Popeye, and Becky, I hope you are all doing okay.

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2/15/19 3:30 P

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It is hard dealing with toxic people. My mother and her family are very toxic people that I have to deal with . I've had to learn to just let it go for me and my health. I thought I'd never speak with my mom again,here I am helping with her care again. I haven't forgotten what happened. That whole drama was the reason in 2014 I was living in the woods. For me I'm polite caring do what I need to do though I just will not go down that path of drama when it starts up I excuse myself and go home.

Marie I know it's not easy but sometimes you just have to release the resentment and move on like you just met this toxic person and keep them at arm's length away and don't get to personally involved.

I hope you find a way to deal with that situation emoticon



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2/15/19 11:51 A

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MARIE, My MIL is a pathological liar and so was my first boyfriend so I know how terribly frustrating, heartbreaking, and helpless-feeling their deceit can be. My MIL is 90 now and I put up with her by being polite when I'm around her and then trying to completely forget her after I'm out of her presence. I know she will never change. She caused lots of hard times for my husband and me throughout our marriage, but she actually had some good points at times, too. It's hard to explain.

I have family members that call me and I go straight to the kitchen after talking with them and start looking for sweets to eat. Family members can really be triggering.

Kris is probably right that the best way to deal with her is to try to let go of the past, but I tend to wish you didn't have to deal with someone so toxic at all.

I wish I had an answer. Maybe journaling and writing down all your feelings after getting a text from her would "cleanse" the toxicity from your mind. Hang in there.

Miller emoticon


Edited by: MILLER-S at: 2/16/2019 (19:35)
Miller

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (286,838)
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2/15/19 2:54 A

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I had ongoing resentment and refusal to talk with my brother-in-law a lot of years ago. He caused a lot of serious problems for me and for my husband, and he dragged my hubby's boss and my mother into it, too. Long story short - I answered as briefly as possible if you asked any questions - other than that I wouldn't talk to him. Over the years things changed. We now talk and in fact, altho' my husband came from a large family of 7 siblings, he is the one that I talk to the most, and he will occasionally phone asking for advice on subjects he wouldn't speak to anyone else about. We never talked about the problem from years ago, so I don't know how he feels in that regard, but I have let it go - it was a long time ago and people change.

I would think that the fact your family member has contacted you and wants to be friends is enough. You say she is a pathological liar - well, it is up to you whether you believe her or not, but maybe if you take what she says with a grain of salt and leave it at that, will be enough.

As far as your mentioning how she hurt your Mum over the years - I had that with my mother-in-law. Her family, MINUS my hubby and I, AND this brother-in-law I mentioned tried very hard to get her into a Rest Home permanently, as in PUSH her in, even tho' she didn't want to go and didn't need one. In New Zealand to get into a Rest Home permanently you have to be assessed as needing one. I tried to tell the family she did NOT need one, that she could managed well at home with a little extra help, but they wouldn't listen. I only worked in the system for a lot of years so knew what I was talking about, but according to them, I didn't know diddly squat. Anyway she was assessed by a Geriatrician and he assessed that she did NOT need one, and that she could manage at home. I had already talked with her prior to the assessment and told her that another option that no-one else would listen to was that she could come and live with us. She told the Geriatrician that if she couldn't go home she would like to live with us. NOW, here is the biggie ... the family had already gotten rid of most of her belongings, including her wedding presents from nearly 70 years previously. Her husband had died. They took HIS personal stuff too!! Some they sold, some they took, and some they biffed into a skip. She couldn't go back - her bed, table, dressers etc. had gone, as had her bedding, towels, crockery, etc. . She came to live with us. We ensured that she was happy living here, and spoiled her rotten. We never forgave the family that did this, BUT we did let it go. We continued to interact with the others and in time things changed for the better.

My suggestion try to let it go.

If you find it hard, I suggest that you talk with a Therapist who will be able to help you deal with this.

Good luck,
Kris

Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 2/15/2019 (02:55)
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MARIENOW's Photo MARIENOW SparkPoints: (11,705)
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2/14/19 10:56 P

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Question, how can a person let go of past resentments?

This sort of ties into the emotional eating talk that Linda brought up.

Long story short, I have a family member who basically stopped speaking to me years ago for no actual reason. She also stopped speaking to other family members. After about a decade, she randomly started speaking to me and contacting me acting all lovey dovey. Lots of "I love you" text messages and so on.

She's never apologized for treating me the way she did. In fact, she didn't even mention it. I brought it up hoping she would finally be an adult and be truthful about something. But she didn't. I told her that she knows SHE was the one who disconnected. She tried to make it seem like I did it. Bottom line, she is a pathological liar. She has always been difficult and always creates chaos and negative feelings. Thank God she lives out of state so I don't have to deal with her in person. But even the text messages become triggering for me. The underlying issue is how much she hurt my Mom over the years. I can almost take the negative stuff she did to me, but the stuff she did to my Mom is more difficult for me to accept. Especially now that my Mom isn't here. There can never be any resolution to any of that stuff. So it's hard for me to close the chapter.

So back to my question....how do I get rid of this resentment? It triggers me to eat and starts a cycle of feeling down. I'm eating cookies right now. I know I made the CHOICE to eat the cookies, but I also feel her "presence" (even just through texting) has a negative impact on me. I want to move on because I know resentment only ends up hurting me.

Two side notes:

1) I can't explain any of this to her because she doesn't have the capacity to understand. Trust me on that! She's not capable of seeing herself as anything but a victim. She's a narcissist.

2) The reason I have contact with her at all where I force myself to at least be nice via text is because there will be weddings and things like that where I will HAVE to see her. I don't want any gossip or issues with people talking about us being estranged. I can't write her out of my life so that's not an option. So I grin and bear it for the sake of the younger generation of the family.


Any thoughts you have on this would be appreciated. I do want to move on from having this resentment stuck in my head.

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2/14/19 10:27 P

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Becky, sending my prayers your way. You have so much on your plate right now taking care of other people plus dealing with your grief. That's so much for one person to take.

Please reconsider going to a grief group in person. I went to one through a local church. I definitely recommend it but I know you have to do what feels right for you and your schedule.

We are all sending our thoughts and prayers to you and your family. Please check in and let us know how you're doing.


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Edited by: MARIENOW at: 2/14/2019 (23:17)
MILLER-S's Photo MILLER-S Posts: 19,655
2/11/19 4:39 P

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BECKY, Iím very sorry for your loss. Your post touched me and my heart goes out to you. Iíve prayed for you and will continue to do so in the days ahead. I can hear the pain in your post and Iíve asked God to surround you with His love. I hope you can feel it.

It sounds like you may need professional help for the depression if you havenít already gotten it. My daughter was so depressed that for about a year, she only took a shower once a week. Things are better for her now, but sheís had a lot of therapy and medication. Don't be hard on yourself - you deserve compassion.

Wishing you comfort and peace and strength for every day.

Miller

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"Let me not miss all that I am by punishing myself for what I am not." - unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be."~unknown

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2/10/19 9:30 P

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Hello EVERYONE
I need your prayers. I lost my son he OD it has been a while now 12-29-17 but I am still depressed. I pray GOD HAS BLESSED ME IN SO MANY WAYS but I have to live in the same house it happen in and it dont bother my husband but it bothers me, I love and miss him so much but every where I look I think of him, every day there is not one day goes by that I think of him and I have responsibilities I babysit my two grand children 3 to 5 days a week , most only 3 but it was 4 or 5 days this week. my mom is a blessing to me she is 89, I make her food and give her pills everyday, if she didn't move in with us I would be in the bed most of the time, now on the days I dont watch my grand kids I do get up and my moms meals give her pills and most of the time I go n]=back to bed, Im so sad and cant seem to find my happiness any more, I love OUR FATHER GOD, OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST AND THE HOLY SPIRIT AND I FEEL BLESSED THHAT I AM ALIVE FOR MY GRAND CHILDREN AND MY MOM. I love my daughter and my husband and I am blessed my oldest grand son moved in with us about one month after our son Stevie died. Ii have came a long way but I am not ready to take time for myself, im so sad I only take a shower maybe twice a week. it NEED PRAYERS. I cant buy another home yet maybe in two years. but then a part of me would feel im leaving my son if I move. so I want to move and I dont, I want to take showers most days but I dont I want to be happy but happiness I don't feel I don't want to go to a grievers group in person, I did online, I joined a few but it broke my heart every time I saw the pictures of their loved ones who passed, or I would read how they missed them so much and I would cry. IM REALY NOT CRAZY but im grieving my son still and I always will SO PLEASE PRAY FOR ME PLEASE. I WILL BE BACK IN MAYBE A MONTH I LOVE SPRKPEOPLE I NEED THIS SITE BUT ONE THE KIDS GO HOME 6:45 OR 7 IM TIRED I NEED ENERGY, I NEED TO LOVE MYSELF PLEASE PRAY FOR HELPING ME WITH THE LOSS OF MY SON, LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE, PRAY I FIND ENOUGH ENERGY TO EAT HEALTHY, WALK FOR EXERCISE DRINK MY WATER AND BE A BETTER WIFE, MOTHER, GRAND MOTHER AND A DAUGHTER TO MY BEAUTIFUL AND SWEET AND KIND MOM AND CHRISTIAN, I CAN FIND MYSELF AGAIN WITH PRAYERS SO PLEASE PRAY FOR ME, PLEASE CARE ABOUT ME

trust GOD, love yourself and think positive!
Becky


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2/8/19 11:29 A

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emoticon well the week flew by. Friday already.

Thanks Miller and Kris

Ladybug I hope things are doing better for you. I can relate I still have my ups and downs emotionally it's a hard one to do alone. emoticon

Yesterday was a down day while waiting to get my hair done I found out a friend passed away the night before while she was sleeping, so it was very unexpected news. She and her husband were there for me when my husband passed away. I no way to get to see her husband right now.

I wish everyone an wonderful weekend

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2/6/19 7:09 P

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Hi to all.

LADYBUG, I hope things get better and brighter for you soon. I agree with the advice Kris gave you. Take care.
emoticon

LINDA, I'm sorry you're in pain. It must be so hard to keep two places clean. I hope your SSDI gets approved.
emoticon


Miller emoticon



Miller

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"Let me not miss all that I am by punishing myself for what I am not." - unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be."~unknown

"Growth is becoming comfortable with discomfort." - John Dowd, Jr.
"Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life."


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2/6/19 4:39 P

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LADYBUG2917 - If you find ongoing difficulties getting out of bed/doing things and/or emotionally eating an ongoing issue, please talk with your Dr about it. If you are on meds, then they may need to be reviewed. If you see a Therapist, please touch base sooner rather than later. If you don't have one, your Dr will be able to refer you to one.

Below are some links which you may find helpful re emotional eating:
www.sparkpeople.com/resource/wellnes
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articles.asp?id=1396


www.sparkpeople.com/resource/wellnes
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articles.asp?id=693


www.sparkpeople.com/resource/wellnes
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articles.asp?id=55


LINDAW1207 - I can certainly relate to stress re your financial situation. Good luck with your hearing.

Kris

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LINDAW1207's Photo LINDAW1207 SparkPoints: (14,301)
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I haven't been here in awhile. I agree when I came back to SP people aren't using the team's like in the past. It's very discouraging.

Miller I can relate being down constant pain will do that I know from experience. What has the doctor said about your pain. Push him or her to do something. I'm waiting for the doctor to decide I contacted them again.

Becky Kris offered some great advice. I too take care of my mom though she lives in a different apartment so I have to places to clean which kills me some days.

I'm stressing over my financial situation I have a hearing in front of the judge coming up in June I'm hoping to be approved for SSDI.

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2/6/19 6:17 A

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I have felt really depressed the past 2 days. It has been hard for me to get out of bed. I emotionally ate tonight. I am trying not to beat myself up over it, but it is hard.

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2/2/19 4:01 P

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Becky,
It's been a while since I left a comment here (I fell off the track), but here goes.
Recognizing where you are is a first great step to providing yourself with some healing. The next great step is to share yourself with your friends, and every member of DWD who has ever been is your friend.
All I can say to the advice you have been given is ... Amen.
Treat yourself well, we care for you.

"A government big enough to give everything you want is also big enough to take everything you have."
-Ronald Reagan

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2/2/19 2:49 P

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BECKY, I'm so sorry to hear you are dealing with so much stress and grief, too. I'm very sorry for your loss. It must be so heartbreaking.

Kris gave you some good advice. I can't think of anything to add except to say to love and praise yourself for all you are doing and getting done - every single thing. You are to be applauded for getting up everyday and caring for others. Remember to care for yourself, too.

Hugs, emoticon

Miller

Miller

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"Let me not miss all that I am by punishing myself for what I am not." - unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be."~unknown

"Growth is becoming comfortable with discomfort." - John Dowd, Jr.
"Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life."


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2/1/19 4:37 A

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I'm glad that you are back, Becky.

You are obviously under a lot of stress given your current situation, but the tragic loss of your son is so sad. You have been grieving his passing, and then dealing with a very stressful situation since, it is no wonder you are depressed.

I strongly suggest that you talk with your Dr about it all. It is possible that if you are on meds, it is time for a medication review - if you aren't on them, perhaps time to consider them. Also, if you aren't seeing a Therapist, I strongly suggest that you ask your Dr for a referral to one, and especially one who specializes in Grief Therapy. Apart from helping you with your grief/stressors, he/she can also teach you good relaxation techniques including but not limited to, breathing techniques, that you can use whenever you feel the need. I found it very helpful for me.

Shifting may not actually be the answer at this time, but rather mask your feelings.

I hope that you have help with your home situation with having your mother living with you and looking after your grandchildren. How old are they? Children even from a fairly young age will respond to gentle firmness so long as it is consistent.

When you say
"sometimes I fix them food I want to eat too and I did yesterday."
is the food that you fix them for a snack or a meal? Is it healthy food? If so, why not incorporate it into your daily nutrition and have a little with them.

Are you able to get time-out for yourself? Is someone able to come and sit with your Mother while you do something for yourself - either in your home, or going out for a while. Often Churches will have some members who do this sort of thing and generally you don't have to belong to them for that help.

DO keep in touch. It is helpful even to just voice your stress, or write them as you have done here.

Hugs,
Kris xxx

Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 2/2/2019 (20:58)
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BECKY1960's Photo BECKY1960 Posts: 7,699
1/31/19 9:58 P

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Ii am so glad to be back to sparkpeople. I am depressed I am trying to do better, but I am so sad we lost our son he passed away 12-29-17 here at my home in our basement. I want to move but we cant. I have my mom here now that is good for me I fix here breakfast lunch and dinner. I babysit my grand kids now 3 days a week. they keep me moving a lot. but I am depressed and I could just stay in bed every day all day all evening. but I have reasons to get up. but when I have my grand children I stress eat more then any other time. when I watched them at their home it was easier but now my mom lives here I watch them here and I love them with all my heart. but they dont always mind me. and sometimes I fix them food I want to eat too and I did yesterday. I have them tomorrow I sure hope I can handle the stress better tomorrow,

trust GOD, love yourself and think positive!
Becky


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1/31/19 8:26 P

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Marie - it wouldn't let me post, and I tried HEAPS of times. All of a sudden there were about 20 posts from me, so I had to go through and delete all but one LOL!

Anyway, I hope that it works.

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I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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Kris, I just saw your announcement on the wall. I'm glad it let you post. That's a great idea. I was wondering if people didn't see the forums or something. I hope they make their way here.

Becky, don't feel bad about it. You are dealing with a lot of stress, so be kind to yourself. How did you do today? I also overdid it yesterday (and today!) but we can just start fresh from this moment on.

Miller, hugs to you too. Thank you :) I hope your PT went well. Did they offer any explanation about why you are in so much pain? I wonder if this is a common side-effect of the surgery or if it's just a rare thing.



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Marie - I really don't like The Wall for the exact reason you mentioned. Since it has been there the interaction on the message boards has fallen by the wayside in ALL teams. I have been trying to post a Team Announcement to suggest that people in need either start a thread of their own the message boards, or come to this one for help, but at this point of time, it won't let me post. Finger's Crossed.

Kris

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Becky - we all have slipups but don't let that discourage you, and don't beat yourself up because of it. When you are finding that stress is getting to you, if you can try some diversional therapy .... knitting/crocheting, taking a walk - inside the house if the weather prevents you from going outside. I got an 18 minute fairly brisk walk while talking with my brother-in-law on the phone today. My house is only small LOL! Still, it worked. Read a book; phone a friend; watch a program on TV. If you work, then I am sure that you will think of ways to help reduce most of that stress - perhaps talking with a co-worker if you have one.

Hugs,
Kris

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I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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BECKY1960's Photo BECKY1960 Posts: 7,699
1/30/19 9:45 P

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I have not been back one week yet and today was a very stressful day and I ate a lot, I feel so bad about that. I do want to be healthier and lose weight.

trust GOD, love yourself and think positive!
Becky


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1/30/19 7:40 P

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Hi Marie. I feel frustrated by the Team Walls for that very reason - people don't seem to use the Team Forums anymore and the Forums used to provide so much support and "food for thought."

I'm sorry you're feeling emotional today. It could be your job or it could be January. I find January and February hard to navigate at times. When March arrives, I can fool myself into thinking it's spring. (smile)

I usually cry every day, but haven't today yet, so that's good. I'm dealing with lots of pain still and have PT tomorrow and will set up more PT sessions for upper body pain. I truly think if I could get rid of all this pain, I could handle my mental state better.

Sending you good thoughts and hoping tomorrow is a better day. Hugs, friend. emoticon

Miller emoticon



Miller

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"Let me not miss all that I am by punishing myself for what I am not." - unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be."~unknown

"Growth is becoming comfortable with discomfort." - John Dowd, Jr.
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Hi Linda - Thanks for the suggestion. I don't think food stamps are an option because my unemployment will count as income. That's great that you left a toxic environment. I bet it made a big change in your health.

It's weird because I'm feeling emotional today so was thinking it's about the job. Then my friend just said it's the January blahs. So it could be that instead. January seems to be a bad month for people prone to depression.

Oh well, enough about me, I'm boring.

Anyone else having a rough time?

There are some people posting on the team wall who seem to be having a tough time but it's always hard to post replies there because they limit the word count.

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1/21/19 10:16 A

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emoticon Marie it's great that you are looking at the situation as a blessing in disguise. Working in a toxic place recks our health sounds like with the boss telling stories it had to be toxic.

Remember to also apply for food stamps along with unemployment.

PS in December of 2017 I had to leave a very toxic work environment I'm not as stressed.



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1/20/19 4:19 P

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emoticon emoticon

Miller

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"Let me not miss all that I am by punishing myself for what I am not." - unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be."~unknown

"Growth is becoming comfortable with discomfort." - John Dowd, Jr.
"Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life."


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1/17/19 10:49 P

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emoticon

Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=953


Team Leader Essential Tremors :-) (Benign and Familial) www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=30225


Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=17464


I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


 current weight: 154.0 
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