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PIESZCHA's Photo PIESZCHA SparkPoints: (0)
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9/22/10 9:56 P

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Every marriage has disagreements, major ones and petty ones. It's going to happen. My DH and I once got into an 8 hour fight over a gum wrapper. Seriously. (A friend of mine and her DH got into an argument over a toaster.) But when all was said and done, my DH and I ended the argument by saying, "I love you". It seems silly, but it helps to reaffirm that we still love each other and we're going to make it.

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"... and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us." Heb 12:1


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LADYNIKAO84's Photo LADYNIKAO84 Posts: 81
9/21/10 4:48 P

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I'm more of the emotional one in my marriage; DH sometimes has issues with conflict and won't fight back when I need him to. It has caused me to say a lot of hurtful things.

Communication is key to any/every marriage. Think about who initiates the argument? Are they legitimate frustrations - finances, etc? When we were financially stressed we definitely had no desire to be together intimately.

The most important thing is that you two TALK. Things that help us is turning the TV off and saying, "This is how I feel. I'm frustrated because of (subject)". We also know that even though we've 'obtained the prize', we still have to court each other.

Remember that you've been feeding your body synthetic hormones for a long time and it is trying to adjust itself now that you've ceased doing so. You have to tell your husband that you are feeling a bit more tender-hearted and for him to cut you some slack.

Good luck...and try to take a deep breath before you start/respond to a fight. Be logical and reason with yourself. Will you regret what you said tomorrow? Also be careful that he is not abusive and trying to control you.

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MARA03's Photo MARA03 Posts: 2,822
9/15/10 12:52 P

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My husband and I fight quite a bit. Not your typical drag out beat down fight, and we DO have kids around. I think its healthy to have some conflict and as long as its respectable, it won't harm a child by any means. Since you are coming off the pill you could be a little hormally unbalanced and getting used to it. I was downright mean when I came off my birthcontrol lol Once my body and my brain adjusted, normalcy returned lol It does help to know exactly what the conflict is about, I'm notorious for keeping my mouth shut until the conflict is literally over everything. THATS not good. Figuring out what the problem is, and then maybe going somewhere publi, like a coffee shop to talk about it, can keep things civil. I'm a baaaad yeller so we started going to a shopping mall or out to dinner to talk about things because then, of course, I can't yell. In fact, you keep things quiet and even during a silent moment, its not unusual, no one can walk away, etc. It kind of forces the issue and you can usually have it resolved before the check comes! lol

Mara


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ANNABELLE1004 Posts: 16
9/12/10 9:18 A

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My husband and I took a weekend marriage seminar a couple of years ago called "Getting the Love You Want". If there is one done in your area and you can swing the cost, I'd strongly suggest taking it. One of the tools they taught us was when one person brought up something that was bothering them, then before the other made any response they say "Is there more?". And kept doing this until the first person said, "no, that's all". Then the other person asks, "May I respond?" It seemed really silly at first, but it gives the aggravated party a chance to get it all out. Sometimes the thing that sets them off is just the tip of the iceberg and there's a lot more going on under the surface.

The one we took was taught by Rick Brown: http://www.rickbrown.org/

But looks like there are other workshops taught by different professionals: http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/couples/F
ind-Workshops

Hope that helps!

Annabelle

SUNNYD76's Photo SUNNYD76 Posts: 1,625
9/10/10 1:05 P

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All of these ladies have great advice. I would also suggest going to a counselor. Going to a counselor doesn't mean there is something wrong with your marriage...just means you want to learn some new techniques to learn how to better communicate with each other and deal with stress better. It may only take 1 or 2 sessions to just learn how to better communicate what you are feeling and alternative ways to deal with the stress of life.

Everyday is a winding road/ I get a little bit closer/ Everyday is a faded sign/I get a little closer to feeling fine. -Sheryl Crow


Fall down seven times. Get up eight. -Japanese proverb.

"I can do all things through Christ Who Strengthens me." Phillipians 4:13







I_AM_ME_STILL's Photo I_AM_ME_STILL Posts: 1,120
9/10/10 12:17 P

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Figure out what you/ he are actually upset about.
I get mad at DH sometimes over stupid stuff because I am furious that I can't say or do something about what I am really mad about.

He looks at me & says "Are you actually upset at the dishes not being done yet, or where you upset before then?" And then gives me a chance to say "yes I am mad about this issue that has nothing to do with you or the dishes, but the dishes aren't helping!" LOL

We tend to take out things on the people we love & trust the most knowing that they will forgive us. However, that sucks. It's not fair to those people to get treated badly because we can't deal with others how we might want to!

Does that make sense?

YIYEHTOV's Photo YIYEHTOV Posts: 794
9/10/10 3:33 A

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We go through bad periods too... especially when I'm PMSing, and this month it felt like I was PMSing for two weeks. :-p Sometimes just every little thing will bother me and I'll just want to pick a fight. It helps me if I kind of deflate my own balloon by saying something like, "I'm feeling really PMSy right now and I'm probably going to yell at you for something that isn't your fault, so I'm sorry in advance and you might want to stay out of my way." I hate saying this because when I'm in that mood I just want to feel self-righteous and justified, but saying this means that I can't jump up on my high horse. I think it also helps us to keep doing loving things for each other (like making each other tea or something) even when we don't feel loving, and to air legitimate gripes in as calm and kind a way as possible.

My husband says I'm a very nice person... about 27 days out of every month. :) If your hormones and emotions are connected like mine, your fighting really might be due to getting off the pill, but taking a breather, and trying to be kind to each other even when you don't FEEL kind might help!

Good luck!

Maya

Edited by: YIYEHTOV at: 9/10/2010 (03:34)
I'm in this for the rest of my life. Why rush?


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UPSADAESY's Photo UPSADAESY Posts: 948
9/9/10 8:29 P

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Keep in mind that it might be the hormones, at least partly. I assume you quit taking the pill?
A shift in hormones can wreak havoc on your emotions and it can take a while to calm down. Also, your feromones change and your body is communicating completely new things to your partner, so that could also contribute to a change in the relationship dynamics.

There is some speculation that is women choose different types of partners when on or off the pill. So for example if you are attracted to someone while you are on the pill, it could happen that once you're off it, you won't find him so attractive anymore. Etc.

This is not to say that any relationship begun on BC must automatically fail while off it. :) But sometimes it's nice to know that there might be an actual, physical reason for some of the things we're going through at times. Relationships take a whole lot of work, mostly on the woman's part, because men are usually just not wired that way to put so much mental and emotional effort into keeping a relationship running smoothly.

Also, you can find some basic guidelines on how to have a constructive argument instead of a fight on the www. For example, don't use words like "you always, you never" etc., don't try to hurt your partner, address concrete issues, not him as a person, as in: "what you said hurt me" instead of "you hurt me" or "what you did was mean/lazy/foolish/etc." instead of "you are mean/lazy...."

Also, try to imagine how it would feel to be in the receiving side of whatever you say to your partner. If it makes you feel belittled, not good enough, etc., don't say it. And tell him immediately how what he says or does affects you. Again, "I feel sad when you say/do this" and not "you make me sad".

It's important to discuss things without placing blame or the argument escalating into insults. And if he says "I don't want to talk about it", you could say "you not wanting to talk about this makes me feel unloved" and suggest that if he doesn't want to talk about it now, how about a later time?
You see what I mean? It's about learning to communicate respectfully with each other.

Here are some examples of what I found online:

http://www.depression-guide.com/relation
ship/healthy-argument.htm

http://www.essortment.com/lifestyle/rela
tionshiptip_sinb.htm

http://ezinearticles.com/?Relationship-A
rguments---7-Ways-to-Heal-Past-Hurts&i
d=47605

http://dating-advice.suite101.com/articl
e.cfm/taking_hits_in_relationships

http://www.enotalone.com/article/2449.ht
ml


Oh an another thing: we don't see others how they are, we see them how we are. Meaning that what we focus on in another person, what bothers or hurts us, depends on our attitude and way of thinking. So a bit (or a lot) of soul searching is in order everytime things keep going wrong. Too often we just project our own emotions and inner conflicts on our partner. Now imagine both doing it to the other and no wonder you have fights without the parties getting anywhere or even knowing exactly why they're fighting so much.

Okay, I'm off my soapbox (sorry :)), good luck and I hope this passes soon.

Jana


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JENILAURA's Photo JENILAURA SparkPoints: (9,361)
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9/9/10 7:52 P

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Rachel, i'm sorry. Joe and I have been fighting a bit more than usual too. Just try to reach the root of the problem, otherwise you will continue having the same fight.
Good luck hon' and let us know if you need any more help.

Jen

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SPARHIALA's Photo SPARHIALA SparkPoints: (0)
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9/9/10 11:54 A

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Marriage is hard work and takes A LOT of effort from both parties to make it work. Keep working on it and try to remember what made you decide you wanted to be married to this person and why you want to create a new life together. I'm willing to bet that your fights are petty and don't need to escalate as they have been. The stress you both are under is what is causing you both to be antagonistic. Both of you should evaluate the outside sources of your individual stressors and help each other work them out.

As PP said, take a mini vacation. Good luck!

Stacey P

I'm done having babies, so now my focus is on getting my body in shape!

Not trying to be skinny/thin-just comfortable in my own skin.


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ANANIKIC's Photo ANANIKIC Posts: 1,058
9/9/10 10:58 A

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I am also feeling like you for a long, long 10 years. But I stayed because I know do not matter how hard it is - we said I do because we loved each other.
And it take us THAT LONG to realise how hard is to be married. We are just learning to be realistic about everything.
I also realized that we were fight a lot because we loved each other a lot, so we understand everything more dramatic then it was. emoticon

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GEOGIRL Posts: 3,745
9/9/10 10:25 A

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I honestly don't have any sage advice to add to the conversation but I really do think that you need to sit down away from the stress in your lives and talk it all out, a mini vacation like JSHAFFER10 has suggested might be ideal. Even if you think it might escalate into another argument you need to take the higher ground and listen to all he has to say and hopefully once he has it all vented you can do the same without interruption. Nothing can be solved if you don't talk about it and now that you are married you are a team and things have to be worked out together.

I really hope you two can find some common ground and reduce some stress.

Smiling just makes everyones day better :)

JSHAFFER10's Photo JSHAFFER10 Posts: 137
9/9/10 9:49 A

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How long have you been married? Any big changes lately (besides going of BC?) It took my husband 3 years before he realized what marriage is all about...before that, we fought all the time! I think it just took my husband that long to realize that marriage is not easy, stress will always be there but you need to deal with it and not take it out on those around you, and that he wanted to be happy with me. I would suggest going on a small vacation, away from the stress and see how you two operate under those conditions. It may help you see things clearer when you get back.
It's a tough road, even though we don't fight all the time anymore, there are still times when I'm glad he's going to be working 2nd shift for a few days :)
I'm here if you need someone to listen. good luck!

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_HOLLY's Photo _HOLLY SparkPoints: (0)
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9/9/10 8:54 A

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Do you think there is anything you can do to alleviate some of the stress you are under?

-Holly

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

selfloveandrunning.wordpress.com


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RACHELB81's Photo RACHELB81 Posts: 644
9/9/10 8:50 A

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nothing particular we're fighting about, but yes, both of us are under a lot of stress. not from ttc, but other life stuff. The fighting is just adding to it- we've tried to talk about it and why we fight, but it just turns into another fight...do I just ride it out or what?

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
My Blog:
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_HOLLY's Photo _HOLLY SparkPoints: (0)
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9/9/10 8:26 A

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Is there something in particular that you're fighting about? Maybe take some time to sit down together and find out the cause behind the fighting. Are either of you stressed? Overworked? Not feeling well? Is TTC a lot of pressure on either one of you?

-Holly

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

selfloveandrunning.wordpress.com


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RACHELB81's Photo RACHELB81 Posts: 644
9/9/10 12:36 A

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So we decided to stop using the pill, but have been fighting a LOT lately. Is marriage supposed to be this hard? It's not all the time, but I hate fighting and feel like I'm getting depressed... We're both dealing with a lot right now, but how much fighting is too much? I don't want to bring a kid into a fighting environment. I guess I just need to vent and some sympathy and encouragement... Does anyone else go through bouts like this?

Edited by: RACHELB81 at: 9/9/2010 (00:36)
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
My Blog:
rsh81.blogspot.com/
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