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MARA03's Photo MARA03 Posts: 2,822
3/19/10 1:39 P

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I'm not sure whether its a good t hing or not, but both my husband and I are quite happy with each others company you know? We are each others best friends and even after almost 6 years together can still talk about everything or nothing. I mean I"m glad we have that strength, but I wonder if its healthy? I've looked into joining groups and such but they are a bit farther away from me, and I don't drive. Another thing that keeps me isolated to my own house. I live in a very small town, theres not much to do or see. Theres maybe 3000 people. I've thought more about doing somethign when my oldest is inschool, and anytiem they need parent volunteers, I"m there. But irght now, to find something that I can do with both, is dauting. It's either one kid or the other. We have local play groups but because I walk its been much too cold for that. They run from 9am to 11am. Trying to get my butt in gear and get down there is hard when my kids sleep til 10am LOL

Mara


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YIYEHTOV's Photo YIYEHTOV Posts: 794
3/19/10 6:11 A

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Mara, thanks so much for being so honest about your experiences. I can see why having kids would feel isolating. I work from home and I'm the kind of person who really needs alone time, so I don't always think to call up friends and do stuff because I'm happy being home with my husband or working of things I really enjoy. But as you said, then I sometimes find that I don't have someone to call when I really need to. It always helps me to have scheduled time to be with friends, like a community theater group I joined and running with a workout buddy. It's also a lot less awkward to have some activity to do rather than just sitting there staring at each other. :) Maybe you can choose one thing outside the house that you'll do for YOU, and your husband or a babysitter can watch the kids that one night a week? Maybe there's something like a mommy-toddler yoga class you can join to meet other moms? I can see how things like community theater will get very difficult for me after we have kids... I just have to remind myself (because it doesn't come naturally) that I need to make the time to get out of the house.

Thanks for reminding me that my social life won't magically improve with kids... I need to make the effort now! A quote that really stuck with me (I think from some kind of scientific study or something) is that the best measure of how happy someone will be in a marriage is how happy they were when they were single. I bet the same is true for giving birth / weight loss etc... we're all tempted to tell ourselves things like "I'll be happy IF..." but really we need to learn how to be happy now. This is one reason I'm really glad we've waited a few years to start trying... ironically I feel like I'm really happy with my kid-free life right now and that actually makes me more prepared to be a happy mom! haha... who knows. Deep thoughts. :)

Maya

Maya

I'm in this for the rest of my life. Why rush?


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MARA03's Photo MARA03 Posts: 2,822
3/18/10 2:10 P

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I can tell you first hand becoming a mother doesn't make you instant friends. I've never been more isoltaed in my entire life. My soaicl life seems to be the Dr's office and the ER. (The ER cause I have two boys LOL) I would love to have firends with kids, I'd love to have friends period but time just doesn't allow for it. The longer I'm so alone the more inept I seem to become at making friends. Its like I've forgotten how to interact with people who don't wear diapers of drool when they smile lol Don't get me wrong, I'm not lonely, I don't have time for that lol But I do feel like when it comes time that I just need to get out or talk to someone, theres no one there and no where to go. So you go back to the daily life of your kids and housework. Evenw hen I worked, this was still a problem, cause they would all go out to the bars of have girls weekends and I was left out because my husband had to work, or the kids had something planned. It only really hjit me when planning my soon to be 4 yr old birthday party. I had no friends with kids to invite. I had a few girls I know that we all met in a baby basics group, but due to the fact I don't interact well, they don't like me. So now I feel guilty that my son wants a party with friends, and I'm not sure if anyone will show up. I knew enough to be prepared for this but it still makes life pretty bleak sometimes.

Mara


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YIYEHTOV's Photo YIYEHTOV Posts: 794
3/18/10 4:43 A

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As I read through this thread I've realized that at times I might have had feelings that could seem like I was being competitive about getting pregnant. I.e., when I heard my SIL was pregnant, I tried to talk my husband into trying right then so that we could have babies at roughly the same time. When I found out that one of the first friends I made when I moved to Israel was expecting her second baby, I wanted to get pregnant too. And there's a part of me that hopes my friends get pregnant at the same time I do, even if they're already trying now (and I don't plan to start trying until July-August).

For me it's not really competitiveness as much as it is the desire to be able to share this experience with people I love... and at some level I think I was kind of afraid of relationships changing if I DIDN'T go through these changes with my friends/family at the same time. I mean, I know that my relationship with friends who already have kids isn't the same, not because of jealousy or anything but just because, say, I can go out to see a movie at a moment's notice while they have to think about getting someone to watch the kids. I've pretty much lost touch with the woman I met when I first moved to Israel because she's a busy mother of two kids, while I'm part of a twosome... you know what I mean?

Plus, everyone says you become really close friends with fellow new parents after you have a baby, so I guess I hoped that my friendships with pregnant friends would deepen if I was pregnant too... I jog and do yoga with one good friends, and I have this fantasy of us there walking with preggo bellies and going to preggo yoga together. :)

So while y'all do seem to have some crazy SILs :), maybe it's not so much competitiveness as the wish to share this experience with you. Maybe give them the benefit of the doubt? I do agree that these feelings are probably unhealthy-- I'm really glad that my husband never gave in to them and instead we're taking this step on the time table that's right for US!

Maya

P.S. wow... sorry this got so long!!

Edited by: YIYEHTOV at: 3/18/2010 (04:46)
I'm in this for the rest of my life. Why rush?


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LOLAGEEK's Photo LOLAGEEK Posts: 1,125
3/17/10 3:08 P

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If she is trying to compete with you all you can do is pray or hope for her to mature and put her focus on her health and relationships. If she is not trying to compete with you then wish her well as you stay focused on what is going on with your body and relationship. Hopefully the information you are getting is not your MIL or whoever trying to stir up drama.

Just a dork trying to get healthier. I can also be found at
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SUNNYD76's Photo SUNNYD76 Posts: 1,625
3/9/10 1:51 P

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Are you sure it is that she is trying to compete with you? If she has PCOS or other medical issues, then her doctor may have told it her it is better for her to try to have kids now because it may be impossible later. I have a friend who was advised this due to medical issues she was having. It was a do it now or you might not be able to later type of situation. Just trying to bring a different perspective.

If she is trying to compete with you, then just don't give her a reaction. It's so not worth it. And if she really isn't ready for a baby and has decided to move forward with it to compete, she is the one who will be sorry in the end.

Edited by: SUNNYD76 at: 3/9/2010 (13:52)
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SHOZZIE's Photo SHOZZIE Posts: 949
3/8/10 11:40 P

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I had a "friend" like that. It started when I got married. She was upset because me and my husband had not been together for as long as her and her boyfriend and we were getting married, yet they weren't even engaged. Fast forward a couple of years and I got pregnant with my daughter and they split up. A little while after she found out I was pregnant, she became pregnant by another guy. They split while she was pregnant.

I also found out that she was talking about me behind my back about how my life was so perfect and I couldn't possibly relate to her and this and that. Which yes I've been very fortunate to have a loving husband, but my daughter was born during his busy season at work. He was working 70 hours a week during the first 6 months of her life. He went back to work the day after I left the hospital after a c-section. It was hard and while I can't relate to being a single mother, I can relate to doing everything for a newborn by myself.

The whole situation really bothers me because she leaves her baby with her parents all of the time to go out and party. This baby is a newborn. While she was pregnant, she referred to her baby as "the fetus" and kept talking about how she couldn't wait to give birth so she could party and "not be fat" anymore. I just don't understand how you can leave your baby at daycare all day and then with your parents all night while you party.

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3/1/10 3:50 P

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I can totally relate to this.

I'm 29 and my SIL is also 29. She's been divorced twice now and I've been married for almost 2 years.

She's been dating a new guy now for 1.5 years and they just moved in together about a month ago. She met him less than a month after she moved out of her 2nd husband's house. She's desperate to have a baby but I just don't think her current boyfriend is ready. Within 2 months of dating they were already picking out baby names and they talk about it constantly. Well...he jokes about it but she is serious.

I'm going to be upset if they get pregnant before I do. Especially given her past relationship history. Plus...this boyfriend is a total douche.

I know it's wrong and HORRIBLE for me to feel this way but I can't help it. The only thing that helps is for me to keep telling myself that I'm doing things the right way for me and my timing is not the same as my SIL's.

Edited by: SEXYLITTLEBRIDE at: 3/2/2010 (17:59)
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MARA03's Photo MARA03 Posts: 2,822
3/1/10 3:28 P

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Well, babies DO have cute clothes, its dressing them thats the pain. I practically have to sit on my 10month old to dress him and he just taskes them off again anyways LOL

I think you just have to hope and be supportive that she will be ready. I was married, had a great place to live and thought I was ready for my son, well, I wasn't. I still panicked. Its a huge life altering thing and "ready" is relative. I was 23 when my son was born and I wished maybe I'd been older sometimes but I don't think it would have mattered. I was still ME no matter what age. I think having him caused me to grow and mature. You aren't born a great mom, you become one by learing what your baby needs. We had that hope for my SIL and she does take care of him well, in front of people. Problem is, she uses him as a weapon against my brother. Obviously she didn't grow up. And it wasn't for lack of support, my mom bent over backwards for her, when personally., I'd have hit her with my car. Its hard not to point out their mistakes and what they are doing is wrong, but really, they probably know.

I think I'll feel I'm too young for every child I have lol my last one I was 26 and still, I'm like WTH? I can't do th is!! But I don't regret it.

Mara


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KATIEWHOMPUS's Photo KATIEWHOMPUS Posts: 782
3/1/10 2:21 P

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When I was a store manager I had several female employees who seemed to be competing for pregnancy.
The first was a 26 year old who had been trying for quite some time. She finally got pregnant and was crazy excited.
2 months later one of my friends decided that she wanted to ttc as well. At 19, unmarried, dating a 33 year old. Sure enough a month later she was pregnant. They got married (court house) shortly after the baby was married. Now at 22 she is constantly complaining about how she wishes she never got pregnant so early, and how she wishes her husband was younger. If you tried, you can't complain, it wasn't an oops baby.
After that girl had hers one of my 16 year olds decided babies are cute and it would be fun to dress them up, and sure enough she got pregnant.
I think at one point we had about 4 girls all unmarried and under the age of 18 pregnant working at the store, 2 of which were sisters, simply because "babies have cute clothes".

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HOLMQUISTM's Photo HOLMQUISTM Posts: 183
3/1/10 9:59 A

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Thanks for the comments and for letting me vent :)

Now that I've had more time to think about it, I'm only very slightly annoyed that she may want to ttc in order to compete for attention or whatever. What really bothers me is that she is nowhere near ready to care for a child. I have wondered if having a baby to take care of would help her grow up (she acts like an irrational and irresponsible 13 yr old but she is almost 30). Despite her questionable character and drama factory personality I would be thrilled to become an aunt if she were in a good relationship with a good man. Unfortunately that's not the case - her fiance is a jobless wonder who spends what little money she has on frivolous expensive toys and it's almost certain that he is cheating on her ... again. I'm starting to wonder if she wants to get pregnant in an effort to fix the relationship or just to have something to bind him to her. She's not about to listen to reason from me or anyone else so I'm praying that she will come to the realization that she deserves a man that loves her. If it's really a baby that she wants I would rather drive her to the sperm bank myself than to see her bound to that poor excuse for a man.

Geez, I think I just vented again! Sorry! I'm just worried about the situation she's creating for herself and I, along with her mother and my husband, are becoming increasingly frustrated that we can't seem to reach her through reason.

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KATIEMOUSE Posts: 312
3/1/10 8:54 A

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I deliberately haven't told my DB's family that we are TTC as I know they'll think I'm competing with my SIL who is pregnant with her second. The day she announced she was pregnant I was totally devastated as I have wanted a baby for so long but never felt able to tell DB as I thought he wasn't ready. We had discussed it in a light hearted way and he always screwed his face up and said "urgh babies". DB picked up on it and it was my SIL's pregnancy that finally gave me the courage to tell DB that I wanted to start TTC. He was completely fine about it and really happy that I'd come clean about why I was so down. He said nothing would make him happier than having a baby.

So maybe she feels more confident to say she's TTC now that you are because she doesn't feel so alone.

I wouldn't judge her too harshly, although I can see how you would be annoyed at first. I can see why you would want to vent, but ultimately as long as you both get what you want, i.e. a baby, there's no harm in what she's doing, whatever her reasons are for doing it.

Take a deep breath and turn the other cheek! ;) xx

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RACHELB81's Photo RACHELB81 Posts: 644
2/28/10 8:43 P

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OMG- that's so horrible...

My SIL got preggo a few months into dating a guy and she started talking about how people were jealous of her and stuff... I thought that was weird and I totally think she thinks I'm jealous- when she told my hubby she said, "Rachel's gonna be so mad!" Why would I be mad she got preggo? Weird.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
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MARA03's Photo MARA03 Posts: 2,822
2/28/10 11:43 A

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My brothers girlfriend, ex now, was 15 when we tried to have our second baby. It struck me as odd, as soon as she found out we were having troubles, she suddenly gets pregnant. Doing it because I was, didn't bother me. If you need to sink that low to feel better about yourself so be it. The fact was she was trying to trap my brother and knows in Canada, a young single mom with a baby gets ALOT of money.

As for you SIL, if she thinks she is ready and wants to have a b aby so be it. I was in the same spot where I got pregnant and didn't fit into my wedding dress either. I didn't care, I was so thrilled I was having a baby and lukily enough that time, was easy. Little did I know what the future would bring. If her and her fiance are ready for a baby then I think you shouls support them. Who knows maybe you'll get pregnant at the same time and it'll be a wonderful experience to share. If she is "competeting" with you, then you obviously has all she wants for her life, I'd be proud of that. If the situation is not ideal for a baby, like she can't afford it, they fight, etc, well, theres still not much you can do about it, I don't know if you are close enough to her to talk to her about it. Its one of those things that, you can't really control what someone else decides to do with their life, other than support them, but don't let it halt your plans for ttcing and starting a family. Its still your priority and no matter what she does, stay on track with your plans and goals.

Mara


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ANANIKIC's Photo ANANIKIC Posts: 1,058
2/28/10 10:40 A

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You can just pray for them. And yourself. And you should do that. I am shore that God knows everybody heart and will give a mercy for all of us.
Your husbands and yours are in bad situation now, and if you cant help them, you can pray for them. God will appreciate that, for shore.
And thank God that you all have children, no matter how hard this recession is. God always know the best.
Be grateful because there is a lot of people who dont have a children, and they want them.

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2/28/10 9:42 A

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Yes, I've had my sil dothat as well. When we found out we were expecting our first, she announced she was trying as well. When we miscarried, she said she and her husband "decided to wait awhile". When we got pregnant with our son, she mysteriously was trying again as well. Fortunately it took her almost a year to get pregnant with her daughter. She's done the same thing with her other sil when she had her two babies. So, she's Currently pregnant with her third. Her, her illegal husband and their soon to be 3 kids will be living in one room of a 2 BR home mooching off of my dh's parents, on state aid and with no plans to even get one job between the two of them. Her husband can't because he's illegal and she doesn't want tobecause she can't stand the thought of putting the kids in daycare. Oh and they can't use birth control because he's catholic. And the want at least six kids.... Ok, getting off my soapbox lol.

*Jessica*


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HOLMQUISTM's Photo HOLMQUISTM Posts: 183
2/28/10 12:17 A

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I found out something rather disturbing today . . . My SIL (let's call her "J") may be competing with me to see who can get pregnant first.

J's brother and I married last April. Now she's getting married next August (even though the relationship is nowhere near ready for that). Now my MIL tells me that J is going to start fertility drugs (Clomid) next month (What? Is she trying not to fit into the wedding dress she just bought???). This comes right after J starts suspecting that dh and I are ttc.

To be fair, I know she has been working with her dr. for months trying to figure out her hormone and ovulatory issues but if my MIL is correct then J is doing this to get preggo, not to fix her existing issues. I tend to believe the MIL since I know J has been talking about starting a family and doing things like getting rid of some of the myriad of animals she has to make a more baby friendly home.

My MIL thinks it's because J always wants to do what her big brother does. I don't know what to think but if J's really trying to get pregnant before me then that is just crazy (especially since her life is pretty unstable right now)!

I guess I just needed to vent and wrap my head around the idea. Have any of you had someone compete with you like that?



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