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HEATHHILL's Photo HEATHHILL Posts: 7,952
10/12/18 11:29 A

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Thank you. emoticon I now remember you saying you taught parenting classes. I'm going to check out the book.

Adding here I didn't have the best example of parenting either.......and I've paid for it for years.....I don't want to do this to my daughter.

Edited by: HEATHHILL at: 10/12/2018 (13:26)
- Heather -

Co-Leader Swimming for Cardio Team

Co-Leader Members Motivating Members Team

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit." - Aristotle

CALGALFOX's Photo CALGALFOX Posts: 7,221
10/12/18 10:51 A

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Yeah, I've always enjoyed this site and the people. It's part of my life but separate! ...and of course, I found my daughter-in-law here!

Because I was raised ...poorly. I really struggled as a parent because I was mortally worried that I would do the same things to my kids as was done to me and I knew that wouldn't work. We took a bunch of parenting classes and I realized that still wasn't going to make up for a lifetime of bad examples so I got trained to lead the classes and did that for ten years!

Because of this, I do have a suggestion to try. If you can talk to your husband and discuss the possibility of working through the (below) book - buy it used. Work through each chapter, talking together about the techniques. When you get through the last chapter, start again. The second time through will be where you (hopefully) start getting some good discussions going. During classes, I would tell parents to write suggestions or things to remember on post-it notes and put them up on the refrigerator.

www.thriftbooks.com/w/parent
ing-teenag
ers-systematic-training-for-
effect
ive-parenting-of-teens_don-c-din
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eyer-sr_gary-d-mckay/296600/?mkwid=sR>pA4mi3qV%7cdc&pcrid=70112905152&
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id=213
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2751335&am
p;gclid=CjwKCAjwjIHeBRAn
EiwAhYT2h6sHKK
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efcyeU5K6X7ak__MP3
Lc4ON7MUghoCB8UQ
AvD_BwE#isbn=0979554217&idiq=4453039


Others might have mental health professional suggestions, I don't really know a lot about ways to do that inexpensively.

If you can get this book to foster talking amongst the three of you it may help communications. I've been told a lot of success stories from people over the years about how it helped their relationship with each other.

I've never done the teenage book, but I trust the authors. If it does help, you might want to also get the one that is not age specific...just for something different.


“Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming ... WOW! What a ride!”
~Author Unknown

HEATHHILL's Photo HEATHHILL Posts: 7,952
10/12/18 8:59 A

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Once you find a swap site, can you let me know what your experience with it is? It sounds interesting. I bet you won't get sick of traveling.......it sounds awesome!

So, apparently it's not too uncommon to look immediately for a temp employee when a Controller leaves, as it's literally happened twice in my sphere in the last two months. And my level of exposure to the not for profit space in NYC isn't exactly expansive. These are not small organizations, ASPCA is over $230MM in revenue and Children's Aid is over $135MM with something like 20 federal, state and local grants to manage. The pay is appalling for me honestly, but of course they are paying a huge markup to the agency for me. I know I can do this job permanently, but for some reason they have in their head that I can't go perm until the perm CFO starts and decides to keep me. Hell, that could be 9 months from now!! I need them to convert me, and I have a plan to do it. In the meantime, I will start looking again for perm jobs so I can have some leverage and an option. I love it here a lot, but I also have responsibilities personally.

And since this is literally my only place I can share honestly without fear of judgement, I am going to share that I am having a lot of problems with husband and daughter these days. He's making her so stressed out that she just texted me she spent 20 minutes in the bathroom crying and one of her teachers approached her saying she can see she's completely stressed out. I'm afraid of getting a call from the school saying we need to meet.

My husband is hard on her. In her view, he is putting her down a lot. She told me today that he constantly comments on what food she's eating and that he tells her daily she's getting fat. She's decidedly not fat. He's also all over her about time on the phone, and is she studying enough, etc. I made the mistake of telling him her grade in AP Physics and AP Calculus were both Cs right now. Apparently that's pretty typical and she actually has one of the highest grades in the class. She's also the only junior in both classes, the rest are seniors.

My husband is not handling her very well, and I don't agree often with how he treats her. But he's a bit aggressive and sometimes very hard to talk to. He's also the one that bears the majority of the day to day parenting as I'm off at work so much.

He's also frankly hard on me. I do all I can to deflect his criticism of her onto me, but I can't be there enough to do it all the time.

Writing this out really makes me see how off this all sounds. I was thinking maybe it's time to enlist the guidance counselor or some other kind of counselor to help us. I honestly don't have the cash for counseling right now though. Any thoughts?

I know it's impossible to know all of our nuances as a family from this little bit here, but you guys know me in ways that many of my in life friends and family don't, so you might have insight others don't. You may also have thoughts on low or no cost assistance we can enlist.

Thank you for the support. I feel like the last few years have been crazily stressful for us as a family. And I don't see it getting any easier any time soon. Thanks again for the love that you show me here. It really means a lot. emoticon

- Heather -

Co-Leader Swimming for Cardio Team

Co-Leader Members Motivating Members Team

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit." - Aristotle

CALGALFOX's Photo CALGALFOX Posts: 7,221
10/11/18 4:02 P

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Oh, I didn't realize you were through a temp service. Yeah, they tend to be terrible for pay and benefits. A 30% cut is a lot to absorb! When I changed 2 years ago from being a CFO to being a controller (so I wouldn't have to keep up on the California wages and HR laws) I took a huge cut, but with my husband's wages added in, it was no big deal for us as we near retirement. Plus, you have college costs ahead and that's also behind us (thank goodness). I hope you get on with them, they are such a great outfit.

The other job sounds pretty terrible, I'm glad you turned it down...and they also wanted you as a temp? What's up with that? Is that common there? I can't imagine hiring a controller as a temp!

I found round-trip airfare from San Francisco to Barcelona for $330! Once we get this all settled I'm going to join a swap site and see if we can rack up some weeks for trades. We will basically be gone from mid February to May! I wonder if we'll be sick of traveling...

Edited by: CALGALFOX at: 10/11/2018 (16:04)
“Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming ... WOW! What a ride!”
~Author Unknown

HEATHHILL's Photo HEATHHILL Posts: 7,952
10/11/18 10:49 A

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Holy moly! That's cheap travel, just the kind I like! If you can find cheap airfare, there are so many places you can go and have a fantastic time for not a lot of money.

I don't know that I'm discriminated against. I'm a temp employee through a temp agency, so I fall under their benefits, etc. I'm not on the payroll of the ASPCA. For a short time, this is OK, but it's not going to be a long term solution for me.

I went on the interview and they wanted me to start Monday as a temp. So, the pay was the same as here, there is no flexibility in hours, it's a much longer walk from the bus station to their location, and they are literally in the middle of the financial statement audit and their Controller, who has been there a bit less than 2 years, is quitting. Ummmmmmm, not terribly attractive, so I turned it down.

I have a plan to approach the Interim CFO here, who I like very much, and make my pitch for converting me to a full time employee of the ASPCA. I signed on for a 3-6 month Interim gig, with the understanding that I am in search of permanent employment, so I don't think it will be an issue if I approach him in month 4 to get a handle on what's happening going forward. He's been Interim (through a consulting company, not a temp agency, and he is well compensated) for 2 years and it looks like he could be here longer than he keeps saying he will be. They are having trouble finding the right candidate for the CFO position. Anyway.......I need to settle somewhere permanently for a while, and I'd like it to be here!!

Honestly, we are struggling a bit financially as I've taken such a huge hit to my pay since I left C3i in May of 2016. That may have been a crazy place, and that boss was demanding, but they paid me very well. If that guy called me today and offered me a job, I'd take it. There's something comforting about knowing who you work for. Plus, he pays well. I'm literally making 30% less than I made when I left that company. I don't know how much longer we can hang on like this. I mean, we can for a while, but not too long.......and this stress is actually helping me lose weight because we absolutely never eat out anymore.

I've been making lots of veggie dishes as they are still coming in from our CSA share. And, they are cheap at the store compared to pre-packaged stuff or take out. And I always bring my lunch to work, so I'm not tempted to eat out here. I know that eating leftovers, plus grapes and an apple are a lot better for me than a sandwich or salad that would cost me $12 or more!

OK, thanks for listening. Just sharing it a bit here helps with the stress.

- Heather -

Co-Leader Swimming for Cardio Team

Co-Leader Members Motivating Members Team

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit." - Aristotle

CALGALFOX's Photo CALGALFOX Posts: 7,221
10/11/18 10:21 A

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The two girls will be fine for only two weeks! That is so fun that you're taking an exchange student! Good luck with the interview!

Here you can't discriminate against short-term employees. You can pay them less and in certain cases you can not offer them health insurance but in most cases, you are on the hook. California labor laws are the most restrictive in the country. Labor law attorneys when they are from other states say they come to understand what will be hitting them in the years to come.

Okay, I've been planning our trip to Portugal/Morocco! We decided to rent a car and that way we can stay in houses or condos for 3 days at a time and do day trips from each town. That will give us way more flexibility. The costs in Portugal and Morocco are amazing when you are used to traveling in California! I was looking at hotels and I put in three nights and here, when you do that, it shows you average per night...it came back $119 and I thought...well a hundred a night isn't too bad...and then I realized it was all three nights lol! My sister has decided to come and I figured out her portion of the housing for 16 nights was just under $400!

I have a day trip in Tangier to have an English guide to take us to the souks, mosques and seaside for a camel ride! Africa! Doesn't that just sound so exotic?!

“Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming ... WOW! What a ride!”
~Author Unknown

HEATHHILL's Photo HEATHHILL Posts: 7,952
10/8/18 8:32 A

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Good Morning!!! I hope everyone had a great weekend. Mine was actually relaxing for once. It was very nice!!

Today is a national holiday, but many businesses are open as usual, and we are one of them. However, bc schools and banks are closed, the traffic was very light! Yay!!

I have an interview tomorrow for the Controller position with another high profile not for profit in NYC. If I like it there and they offer it, that will be good. Then I can either work to negotiate a permanent solution here at the ASPCA, or I can finally get into a permanent position with benefits etc. It's actually hard being a temp. No vacation time or sick time until I'm in the job for 7 months. Then I get 5 days PTO. That's it. No paid holidays. No sick time. Sooo.......I need to convert this to permanent sooner than they may want me to. Or I need to get a position somewhere else that's permanent. I think one way or the other I'll make this work soon!

We've made contact with our exchange student and she and Sydney are already on Instagram and SnapChat together. They seem like they'll be a good fit for each other. Interestingly, they are both only children so we'll see how they respond living for two weeks with another kid in the home. I mean, it's a short enough time that it will be fine. I wonder how much they'll love it? I can't wait to welcome her!!

Oh, and without trying too hard I've lost about 7 pounds in the last month. Woo hoo!!!

Have a great week everyone!!! Have FUN and be ACTIVE!!

- Heather -

Co-Leader Swimming for Cardio Team

Co-Leader Members Motivating Members Team

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit." - Aristotle

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