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SOOTHINGGLOW's Photo SOOTHINGGLOW SparkPoints: (0)
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3/22/13 7:51 P

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Thanks for all your suggestions everyone. I was just really feeling down that night (probably hormones). But you all have given me a lot to think about and I have decided to just go on with them as if I haven't had surgery. Meaning I'm not going to talk about my weight etc. unless they ask. I realize that this huge change isn't just going to affect me but also everyone else in my life (to a point). I think it is definitely way too early to be upset with anyone so I'm going to give it some time.

~~~Andrea~~~


"If you want to know your past, look into your present conditions. If you want to know your future, look into your present actions."
CINDY-K's Photo CINDY-K Posts: 5,938
3/22/13 3:40 P

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I have not lost any friends over it but the relationship and depth of the friendship has changed. Much of the activities in the past with those people are related to foods. So now there is less in common as after rny you are no longer eating many of the foods you used to binge on. A lot of the new activities require energy and flexibility which are sometimes hard for obese friends to do. So your changes in interests will affect your friendships but do not fear you will also find new friends who share your new interests. You are lucky when you are able to keep some old friends and add a number of new ones!

cindy

Edited by: CINDY-K at: 3/22/2013 (22:50)
Cindy - A Co-Leader on Gastric Bypass Sparklers
Proximal Laproscopic RNY 9-10-10
Start Wt: 228 5-21-10
Surgery Wt: 205 9-10-10
Goal Wt: 135


 current weight: 185.0 
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LOVINGAFRICA's Photo LOVINGAFRICA Posts: 1,080
3/22/13 12:46 P

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MINDY I love your straight forward style.
I am sorry that you are losing friends.
The shrink I have to see to prepare for my RNY, told me that I have to maintain friendships on the level they were at before my surgery. I am to do exactly what I did before (call, make dates, text on birthdays, bring the cake etc) I may decide after a year if I want to terminate the friendship or not.
People hate change and because I had an op that changed everything, I am to try to stay the same as much as possible with regards to the people close to me. That allows them to adapt. If it has not happened in 12 months, pull the plug.



'You know you are truly alive when you're living among lions.' Karen Blixen, Out of Africa


'The measure of civilized behavior is compassion.' Paul Theroux


 current weight: 165.0 
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MINDYHGP's Photo MINDYHGP Posts: 1,159
3/22/13 11:30 A

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Despite their opinions on your surgery, it was your decision and I think it's awful that they aren't supportive. Being supportive doesn't mean they have to agree with your decision, but it does mean that they respect your decision and don't alter the relationship simply because of a difference of opinion.

I'm very matter of fact and blunt (maybe more than I should be), but if it were me and it bothered me, I would honestly ask them if they're avoiding you on purpose and do they still want a friendship with you? Honesty is most important in any relationship and I like to cut to the chase. I don't have time for drama and games. If you have a problem and don't want to be my friend anymore, I'll be sad, but I just want to know. I don't want the waiting and stalling and avoiding and drama. Just man up and say so. Sorry..lol...again, I know I'm probably not the norm and I'm very blunt about things sometimes, so that might not work for you.

I'm sorry you might lose a friendship or two, but really focus on the strong friendships and those who ARE there for you.

"Those that care don't matter, those that matter don't care." -unknown author



 current weight: 150.0 
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CINDY-K's Photo CINDY-K Posts: 5,938
3/21/13 11:52 P

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well said Patty!

cindy

Cindy - A Co-Leader on Gastric Bypass Sparklers
Proximal Laproscopic RNY 9-10-10
Start Wt: 228 5-21-10
Surgery Wt: 205 9-10-10
Goal Wt: 135


 current weight: 185.0 
228
206
184
162
140
PATTYR81's Photo PATTYR81 Posts: 785
3/21/13 12:59 P

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I agree that some people have a tendency to see one person's success as a negative on theirs. Especially with such an emotional topic as size and weight loss.

I've found that my friends with weight issues DON'T want to talk about my RNY, weight loss, new exercise/activity lifestyle, smaller clothes, NSV's, etc. Unfortunately they see my success as a slam on their lack of success in this area.

It is what it is, and they aren't going to change.

So I share my WLS and NSV successes and stumbles only with those who support me - ESPECIALLY HERE AT SP! emoticon We LOVE to hear about other's success and stumbles as well as honestly share our own. Personally, I can't get enough of them and they are a critical part of my daily journey.

Compartmentalize the friendships to make sure you don't expect more from them than they can provide. For example, I have one friend that I like to have 1 hr coffee dates with abt 1x or 2x month. We usually talk (vent) about work/family gripes & issues and then go our separate ways. Altho I've lost 85 lbs, it is NEVER a topic or even a comment. So I don't expect support in this area from her just as I don't expect to have the kind of friendship stuff like going shopping or running in and out of each other's houses on a daily basis. If I expected those things from her, I'd just be setting myself up for disappointment and frustration.

emoticon

Also, reach out to others as much as you can. I keep telling my kids (and myself) that 'you can't have TOO MANY friends!'. Just customize the definition of 'friend' for each one.

Happy Day FRIEND!

RNY 10/8/12

High Wt 296
Surgery Wt 270
Low Wt 184

Currently battling 19 lb weight gain due to grief & stress of losing my dad in Nov 2013.

"So much has changed yet who I am finding is my old self again." DSCROW's blog 8/1/13


 current weight: 198.0 
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MAJJALEX's Photo MAJJALEX SparkPoints: (0)
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3/21/13 10:41 A

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I can see clearly, they think you took the punk way out of obesity by having the surgery. They think you could have just gotten serious enough to lose weight the good old way. I experienced that with my own friends and family. No one came to the hospital to see me at all, for those three days, my mom and my aunt came every day, my sister came once, and wouldnt even get out of work early one day to drive me home after the hospital. I ended up walking, taking a shuttle, then paying for a taxi the rest of the way.

It is sad, but I def saw who truly cares, i realized that most people in my life didnt. I treat them differently now.

 current weight: 317.0 
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SCRAPPINPOLLY's Photo SCRAPPINPOLLY SparkPoints: (523)
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3/21/13 9:18 A

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I have one lady that used to be my best friend. She is considerably heavy and since I've lost the weight, she's been distant.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

RNY date: 4/9/2012
Initial weight: 508
Consult weight: 482.2
Pre-op weight: 420
Current weight: 223
Goal weight: 175


 current weight: 223.0 
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CINDY-K's Photo CINDY-K Posts: 5,938
3/21/13 12:02 A

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What may be happening is that they are threatened by you making the decision to have rny and think that as you lose weight you will no longer want to be friends with them. In your success they see their failure to lose weight. Also the further out the more energy you will have and the more you will be out doing things and exercising and they know they will not be able to keep up with you. So they probably feel a little left behind.
You will need to give them time to adjust and see that you still want to do things with them and still want them in your life. So for now you will need to put out special effort to keep them involved in your life. I would not recommend telling them about how much you have lost but instead show interest in their lives. So call them up and invite them out for tea or coffee and maybe a day getting a mani-pedi together. When the friendship is back on solid ground you can invite them on walks with you or to go places. But for now just be sensitive to the fact that they are happy that you are losing but are afraid of you leaving them behind on this new healthy life.
some people do not know what to ask and are embarassed to ask about what life is like right after surgery. I found that I had to initiate most of the activities. I was just 3 weeks out when I invited a friend to a farm tour with me. Now I could not eat much at that point but we had a great time and went out to lunch afterward (I had the restaurant puree the chicken tortilla soup for me). So get on the phone and invite them to go somewhere with you!

cindy

Cindy - A Co-Leader on Gastric Bypass Sparklers
Proximal Laproscopic RNY 9-10-10
Start Wt: 228 5-21-10
Surgery Wt: 205 9-10-10
Goal Wt: 135


 current weight: 185.0 
228
206
184
162
140
SOOTHINGGLOW's Photo SOOTHINGGLOW SparkPoints: (0)
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3/20/13 11:18 P

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I've been a bit down tonight. I have 3 really close friends. 1 of them has had the sleeve and she has been wonderful. Very concerned about me and she drove an hour to come and visit me the other day and see how I'm doing.

Well the other two is a different story. One of them stopped by a couple days after my surgery for about 15 min. and brought me a card, but hasn't really checked up on me at all. Not even a text. The other one hasn't called or texted at all since I got home. My husband texted her when I came home and told her everything was ok but other than that she has said NOTHING.

Neither one of them would really talk about it or bring it up before surgery either. They would never ask me about how things are going and if i ever gave them an update on my progress they didn't really say anything at all.

I guess what I'm wondering is...What the heck is going on? Are they mad at me because they don't agree with the surgery? Are they afraid I might lose more weight then what they are currently at? (I am larger than both of them) Its been hurtful that they don't even bother to talk to me anymore. I talked to my husband about it a bit and he seemed to agree. I even had a few tears over it.

How do I approach them on this? Or do I just let it go? I don't want to just write them off but at the same time it doesn't seem very "friend" like.

emoticon

~~~Andrea~~~


"If you want to know your past, look into your present conditions. If you want to know your future, look into your present actions."
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