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7/14/20 9:02 P

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Judy From NW Iowa

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7/11/20 3:49 P

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Judy From NW Iowa

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7/5/20 1:20 P

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Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required
to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin
victim, Rescusi-Anne, to practice.

My group's model was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my
classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He
then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she
can't feel her legs!"

From Laugh & Lift


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7/5/20 1:19 P

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7/3/20 3:07 P

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Judy From NW Iowa

* Live simply
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7/3/20 12:42 P

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7/3/20 12:42 P

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A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.” The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”

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7/2/20 1:20 P

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A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus; she noticed the man opposite to her was smiling at her so she immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Slogan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick” and I could hardly contain myself. …
BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident… ” I just lost it.”

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7/1/20 12:55 P

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It was a typical night of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:
Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.”
“The next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars, if you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?”
Barbara: “Sure, I’ll have a go!”
Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build its own nest?
Is it:
A – Robin
B – Sparrow
C – Cuckoo
D – Thrush
Remember Barbara – its worth $1 million dollars.”

“I think I know who it… I’m not 100%… no, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.”
Regis: “Yes. Who, Barbara, do you want to phone?”
Barbara: “I’ll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.”
(ringing)
Maggie: “Hello…”
Regis: “Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to get to a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara’s and she’ll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and only 1 correct answer. You have 30 seconds to reply — fire away Barbara.”

Barbara: “Maggie, which of the following birds does not build its own nest?
Is it:
A- Robin
B- Sparrow
C- Cuckoo
D- Thrush

Maggie: “Oh gees, Barbara that’s simple…It’s a cuckoo.”
Barbara: “You think?”
Maggie: “I’m sure.”
Barbara: “Thanks Maggie.” (hangs up)
Regis: “Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?”
Barbara: “I want to play, I’ll go with c-cuckoo”
Regis: “Is that your final answer?”
Barbara: “It is.”
Regis: “Are you confident?”
Barbara: “Yes fairly, Maggie’s a sound bet.”
Regis: “Barbara…..you had $500,000 and you said c-cuckoo…you’re right! – You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara!”

That night Barbara called round to Maggie and brought her down to a local bar for a celebratory drink and, as they were sipping their champagne, Barbara turned to Maggie and asked: “Tell me Maggie, How in God’s name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?”
Maggie: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock!”


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6/29/20 9:42 P

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Judy From NW Iowa

* Live simply
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6/29/20 1:35 P

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6/28/20 1:39 P

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6/27/20 7:59 P

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Judy From NW Iowa

* Live simply
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* Leave the rest to God!

Leader of:
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6/27/20 1:15 P

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Grandpa and his 7 year old grandson are gardening when the boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”
“I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t,” says Gramps, “It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”
The kid runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board, and proceeds to put it right back into the hole.
Grandpa hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later, Grandpa comes out and hands the boy another five dollars.
“Grandpa, you already paid me,” says the kid.
“I know. This is from your Grandma.”

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6/26/20 8:39 P

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Judy From NW Iowa

* Live simply
* Love generously
* Care deeply
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* Leave the rest to God!

Leader of:
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Creating A New YOU
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New Beginnings
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6/24/20 3:51 P

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Val

Moving More! Eating Less!
Motivation gets you started, habit keeps you going!

JUDY1676's Photo JUDY1676 Posts: 825,932
6/21/20 7:43 P

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Judy From NW Iowa

* Live simply
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* Leave the rest to God!

Leader of:
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Creating A New YOU
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6/18/20 4:38 P

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6/18/20 4:37 P

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A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.

The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo. This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high.

Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?”

The kangaroo replied, “Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night.”

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6/17/20 2:02 P

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A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”

The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

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A young lady made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a waitress that she worked with at a bar.

The waitress suggested, “There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it’s not going to be legal.”

“That doesn’t matter at all,” replied the young lady. “All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.”

“Alright,” replied the waitress. In a quiet voice, she said:

“Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell your car.”

The following weekend, the young lady took a trip to the mechanic on the coworker's advice.

About one month after that, the coworker asked, “Did you sell your car?”

“No!” replied the young lady. “Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it.”

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6/15/20 2:47 P

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When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
.. Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the wretched crop: .. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.


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"Remember what I said about being on Facebook while laying bricks?"


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Judy From NW Iowa

* Live simply
* Love generously
* Care deeply
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* Leave the rest to God!

Leader of:
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World's Best Grandmas And Grandpas
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6/14/20 7:54 P

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Judy From NW Iowa

* Live simply
* Love generously
* Care deeply
* Speak kindly
* Leave the rest to God!

Leader of:
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Sensational 60's and Beyond
Creating A New YOU
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World's Best Grandmas And Grandpas
New Beginnings
Passing the Spark
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6/14/20 4:42 P

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6/14/20 4:41 P

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A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, “How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?” He got the following reply.

“Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy’s brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy’s wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother’s mother. Don’t forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife’s grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I’m married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife’s grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.

Now can you understand how I got put in this place?”

After staring blankly with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: “Move over!”

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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.
So what’s your story?”

So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.
As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.
Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!
By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.
Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell — but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.
I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.
But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

“It’s been a very strange day.
You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.
Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge.
But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.
I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.
I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.
I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands.
Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right.
Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding inside a refrigerator…”

dailyjokes.com


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Judy From NW Iowa

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A certain young lady reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and…

starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails.

Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

“I finished the exam in a half hour,” she replies. “Now I’m rechecking my answers.”

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LOL



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Judy From NW Iowa

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Judy From NW Iowa

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A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the Secret Service.”

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A woman wearing a real tight dress, and carrying a bunch of packages tries to get on a bus. 

She can’t get up the step so she reaches behind and drops the zipper on her skirt a little, tries again. 

Still can’t make it, so she drops her skirt zipper a bit more, still no luck. 

She reaches back drops her skirt zipper a bunch and the guy behind her grabs her, picks her up, carries her on the bus, pays both fares, sets her down and kisses her left breast. 

The woman slaps him, and the guy says, “Honey after you pulled my zipper down the third time, I figured we were friends.” 

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LOL



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Judy From NW Iowa

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from DEE107
A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his
skills to the impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will
amaze you."

He climbs up to the high wire and jumps off! He flaps his arms
wildly, and finally his fall slows and the man begins to fly. He
soars upward, turns, and swoops back again. Finally, he stops in
mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario says, "Is that all you've got? Bird impressions?"

- From Daily Clean Jokes


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Welcome to Paris, Illinois: "You should have read the small print on your big vacation prize!"



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1. A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!"
2. Want to hear a roof joke? The first one's on the house.
3. What should you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns? Go straight for the juggler.
4. Why don't koalas count as bears? They don't have the right koalafications.
5. A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway. Police advise citizens to look out for a group of hardened criminals.
6. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
7. I saw a movie about how ships are put together. It was riveting.
8. A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger. The librarian says, "This is a library." The man apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a hamburger, please."
9. Why did the taxi driver get fired? Passengers didn't like it when she went the extra mile.
10. What do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup? Beer.
11. A group of crows was arrested for hanging out together. The charge? Attempted murder.
12. How do you look for Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the fresh prints.
13. Which rock group has four guys who can't sing or play instruments? Mount Rushmore.
14. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he always has a great fall.
15. Where do hamburgers take their sweethearts on Valentine's Day to dance? The Meat Ball!
16. What time does a duck wake up? The quack of down.
17. Some people eat snails. They must not like fast food.
18. Have you heard the one about the skunk? Never mind, it really stinks.
19. It's always windy in a sports area. All those fans.

bestlifeonline.com


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So true!

The Best Senior Moment: "I went to work this morning, but couldn't remember why. So I retired."



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Judy From NW Iowa

* Live simply
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An elderly lawyer was about to die. One day he told his wife he had come up with a way to take all of the money he had with him to heaven. He told his wife to put all of his money in the attic so when he died he could grab it on the way up.

A couple of weeks after he died his wife was cleaning out the attic and saw that the money bags were still there. “That old fool,” she chuckled. “I told him that we should have put the money in the basement!”

dailyjokes.com


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A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him: “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.” He thought a minute and then said: “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time.” “Thank you. This may very well be the solution,” the woman responded.

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw the two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said: “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

dailyjokes.com


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Judy From NW Iowa

* Live simply
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An English teacher told his students that when pronouncing a word beginning with the letter "H" they should ignore the "H" as in hour, honor, and honest. That day when leaving for class, he left a note for his assistant, "Please heat my rice for me." When the teacher returned to his office, he met an empty bowl. He asked the assistant, "Where is my food?" The assistant replied, "You said I should heat the rice for you, but you also instructed us to ignored the 'H.'"

laughfactory.com


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"Wayne, I'm pretty sure it's easier if you use the same hole to get up…"




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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch. Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp." Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one." Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever." The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish." Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life." The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan." Dylan said, "No way!" The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?" Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves." Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left. Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was. She said, "Forty-five." The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"

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Trust God, believe in yourself, and keep looking forward. You can't change the past. You are always special.

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Three men were hiking when they came upon a large, raging, violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof!!!
God gave him big arms and strong legs. And he was able to swim across in just two hours, though he almost drowned twice!
After seeing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.'
Poof!!!
God gave him a kayak and strong arms and strong legs. And he was able to row across the river in about an hour, though he almost overturned once!
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence to cross the river.'
Poof!!!
He was turned into a woman!
She then checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream and walked across the bridge.

Grammies Funnies


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Corporate Entrance Exam: Step 1: Select camel and proceed to needle.
"Oh, I always thought it was just an allegory."



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Trust God, believe in yourself, and keep looking forward. You can't change the past. You are always special.

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How many psychologists do you need to change a lightbulb?  
Hm, and how many do YOU think?

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