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7/23/20 11:47 P
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Helping Daddy
One day a young boy ran crying to his mother and rubbing his behind.

His mother said, "Bobby, why are you crying?"

"Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!" little Bobby wailed.

"Why, that's not something to cry over," his mother told him. "That should make you laugh."

Bobby rubbed his behind and said tearfully, "I DID laugh!"

Received from Crosswalk.

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7/20/20 1:17 P
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Bathing Suit

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

Received from Clean Laffs.

-He has met his maker

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7/3/20 11:05 A
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Fireworks
One year, Johnny's family was having the "extended family" 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state, because they are illegal in their state, of course!

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor's plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic. They even had extra food to bring. I said, "Sure, the more the merrier!"

Upon arrival it is discovered that the neighbor is a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he could to Johnny and whispers to him, "Grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly." Johnny disappears.

The father changes the topic to food for the day. The family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them the gas grill is all set to use out back saying, "Just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed."

They head out the back, as Johnny comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"

"Oh, yes! Nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"

Received from Joke du Jour.

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6/12/20 11:02 P
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WHAT ARE THE FOUR MAJOR FOOD GROUPS?
For CHOCOHOLICS: DARK CHOCOLATE, WHITE CHOCOLATE, BROWNIES and FUDGE.
For HEAVIES: FAT,SALT, SUGAR, and CAFFEINE.
For BACHELORS: FAST, FROZEN, JUNK, and SPOILED.
For DRINKERS: MALT, BARLEY, HOPS, and YEAST.
CANDOC1260

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6/11/20 2:57 P
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Hymns
The minister was preaching on the evils of drink. He first said he would like to gather up all the wine and dump it into the river. Then he moved on to beer and said he would like to get all the beer and dump it into the river, and then get all other forms of alcohol and dump them into the river.

The choir director's face began to show a worried look. The first hymn they were scheduled to sing was "Shall We Gather At the River?"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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6/2/20 12:31 A
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Leg Trouble

This is what all of us 70+ year-olds, and those yet-to-be have to look forward to!

This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast, so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door, and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly. So she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived. So she went back up towards his room, and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs, but was having a hard time. He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance, but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs, and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step, so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don't panic before they know the facts.

Received from Becky Day

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5/1/20 10:42 A
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Lockdown Humor

People are using the word lockdown because they don't know how to spell kwarinteen.

Have you noticed that the amount of selfies being posted are down by 68%?

I hope all the school teachers realize their students will return to class using old math.

I've absorbed so much disinfectants, soap, and antibacterial sanitizing gels recently that whenever I go pee, it cleans the toilet.

I'm pretty sure I just heard my fridge say, "What the heck do you want now?!"

I'm as bored as an Amish electrician.

Ontario has banned groups larger than 5. If you're a family of 6, you're all about to find out who's the least favorite!

Health Tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can't accidentally touch your face.

My house got TP'd last night ... it's now appraised value has doubled!

Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly. Now weed's legal and school's closed ... kids today are livin' the dream!

This is stupid. I just tried to make my own hand sanitizer and it came out as a rum & coke!

If you get an email with the subject "Knock Knock," don't open it. It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.

After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I knew walking by on the sidewalk outside. I immediately ran to the window and started yelling to them. Now I understand dogs.

Day 36 of social isolation at home, and it's like being in Las Vegas. I'm losing money by the minute. Cocktails are acceptable at any hour. Nobody knows what time it is.

Received from Becky Day.

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4/11/20 7:35 P
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Cat for Sale
Saturday, April 11, 2020
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.”

The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.”

And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.”

The owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”



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3/26/20 12:47 A
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Fax Hint

As a professor at the Air Force Institute of Technology, I taught a series of popular courses on software engineering. The program was highly competitive and difficult to get into, but one student made our decision whether to accept him quite simple.

When asked to fax over his college transcript, the student told me, "Well, I would, but it's the only copy I have."

Received from You Make Me Laugh.

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3/24/20 11:59 A
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College Applicant

Parents can be very upset when their children don't get into the college of their choice.

As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother who was demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down. Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D's, I explained that her daughter just wasn't as "competitive" as the admitted class.

"Why doesn't she try another school for a year and then transfer?" I suggested.

"Another school!" exclaimed the Mother. "Have you seen her grades?"

Received from Pastor Tim.

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3/24/20 12:58 A
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Prayer for the Times
One Sunday morning at a small southern church the new pastor called on one of the older deacons to lead in the opening prayer. The deacon stood up, bowed his head and said, "Lord, I hate buttermilk."

The pastor opened one eye and wondered where this was going. The deacon continued, "Lord, I hate lard." Now the pastor was totally perplexed.

The deacon continued, "Lord, I ain't too crazy about plain flour either. But after you mix 'em all together and bake 'em in a hot oven.... I just love biscuits!

The deacon didn't stop there. "Lord," he said, help us realize when things come up that we don't like, whenever we don't understand what You are doing, that we need to wait and see what You are making. After you get through mixing and baking, it'll probably be something even better than biscuits. Amen."

Received from Steve Anderson.

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2/25/20 6:38 A
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Bad Day in the Snow (long but funny)
The snow was coming down steadily and had been for several hours. My partner had been plowing for a couple of hours already, and I had just changed places with him and started to clear a new lot. I always plow the access points to the lot last to keep people out of my way, so here I am just getting started on this lot, which just happens to be a car wash, and this car stops in the middle of the street and starts honking and flashing his lights.

My partner gets out thinking that the guy is having car trouble, so he goes to help while I continue plowing. He comes back and says, "You're not gonna believe it, he wants to wash his car." I said, "Does he realize it's 28 degrees?" My partner replies, "Yes, he knows but he just has to try it." Well, I clear him a path to the nearest wash bay and continue to clear the lot, which takes roughly 45 minutes.

Meanwhile, after washing his car, the guy goes into the managers office to talk over a cup of coffee. I leave the lot and go down the street to another customer.

About 30 minutes later, I drive by the wash and notice the same car is still there with its owner prying on his now frozen doors. By the way this is a Taurus with plastic door handles. I pick up my cell phone and beep the wash manager. He calls me back, and I tell him what is going on. Just as he steps outside, still talking to me on the phone, the guy breaks the door handle and goes flying into a snow drift loosing his hat and glasses. After crawling around in the snow, he finds his hat, full of snow, and moments later his glasses. Now the manager is on the scene. He uses the hot pressure washer to steam open the passenger side door and let the guy in. Now he starts the car to help melt the ice, and again goes inside for coffee.

I am now plowing the lot directly across the street, and I have been watching the whole thing from a distance. My phone rings again and guess what? He let it run out of gas. The manager takes a gas can up the street, brings back a couple of gallons of gas and puts it in the car himself. We don't want to take any chances now. We just want this guy to get home before he does some real damage. The guy starts his car again, leaves the wash and drives away.

Does the story end here............ NO!!!!!

He stops at the nearest gas station, fills the car and drives away with the nozzle still in the tank tearing the pump from its base. Talk about your bad days!!

Received from Joke du Jour.

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2/24/20 7:19 P
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Pilot Pride
As one of relatively few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken for a flight attendant, ticket agent or even a snack bar employee. Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a "real" pilot. Still others congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated field.

One day, I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at the sink, brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked over at me. "My sister would be so proud of you!" she remarked.

I figured her sister must also be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why.

Replied the woman, "She's a dentist."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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2/14/20 11:42 P
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Its Got To Be Love
An older couple regularly attended church. The pastor was much impressed by how harmonious and how in love they seemed. They always held hands all through the service.

One day after church, the pastor couldn't resist going up to them to express his admiration. He said, "I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in love you are, even, after all these years, holding hands like that."

The wife looked up sharply and said, "It's not love, Pastor, I'm just keeping him from cracking his knuckles."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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2/13/20 12:55 A
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Email Mix-up

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota who decided to go to Florida for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. Since both spouses worked, they had difficulty coordinating their schedules, so the decision was made to have the husband leave for Florida on a certain day, with the wife following him one day later. The man made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. However, he left off one letter in typing his wife's email address and sent the email off without realizing his error.

In another part of the country, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a pastor of many years who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from her husband's relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife:

I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.

Your Devoted Husband.

PS: Sure is hot down here!

Received from Anonymous Fan.

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2/6/20 2:23 P
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The Farmer's Wagon

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon, loaded with corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Clarence!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come into the house with me and the Mrs, and have a bite to eat. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you, "Clarence answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

Received from Joke du Jour.

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1/20/20 8:05 P
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Firehouse Training Session
At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.

The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: "You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" he asked.

Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit, "You got the right place."

Received from Pastor Tim.

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1/16/20 2:56 P
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Five Kinds of Fruit

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on it. They are:

a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!

Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN















If you chose:

a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples.

b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas.

c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries.

d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches.

e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges.

I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.

Received from Pastor Tim.

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1/13/20 9:27 P
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Classroom Talk
As you know, kids say the darnedest things.

Yesterday, a sweet little nugget said, "Mrs. Hall, your eyes sparkle like glitter." And I thought, well, this boy already knows his way to a women's heart.

Today, as I was giving directions to the class about a quiz we were about to take and where to turn it in. I asked if there were any questions. A different little nugget raised his hand and asked, "Mrs. Hall, did you know that your arm jiggled when you moved it like that?"

Obviously, this little boy will be alone forever.

Received from Pastor Tim.

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12/19/19 9:42 A
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On the Scale

When children come in to the doctor's office where I work, it's my job to weigh and measure them.

After several unsuccessful attempts to get one frightened three-year-old on the scale, her mother said: "Honey, Mommy has a scale at home. Do like I do and stand on it."

Recognition dawned on the child's face and she confidently stepped on the scale, looked down and exclaimed, "Oh, darn!"

Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.

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12/13/19 12:07 P
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Strange Problem

A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.

"Doc, there's something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?"

"Sure!" The doctor said. "You have way too much time on your hands!"

Received from Pastor Tim.

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12/11/19 2:17 P
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Groaner: Pancake House

Two guys went to a local pancake house that served real Vermont maple syrup but charged extra for it. So the guys went to a supermarket, bought their own Vermont maple syrup, and brought it to the pancake house.

They didn't want to get caught, so they were forced to pass the bottle between them syrupticiously.

(by Gill Krebs)

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11/25/19 11:48 P
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Walkie Talkies
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything... we might have had:

Stamps - Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators - Hearty Starties
Bumble Bees - Fuzzy Buzzies
Pregnancy Tests - Maybe Baby
Bra - Breastie Nestie
Forks - Stabby Grabbies
Socks - Feetie Heaties
Hippo - Floatie Bloaties
Nightmare - Screamy Dreamy

Received from Rick Widdison.

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11/19/19 8:47 P
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Stone's Throw
A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told.

"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.

The reply came back: "It's the one with all the broken windows."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

--

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11/18/19 7:33 P
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Plane Crash Survivors

Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific island. Both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed, "This island is uninhabited. There is no food, there is no water. We are going to die!"

The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms, and responded, "No, we're not. I make over $100,000 a week."

The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. "Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!"

The other man, unruffled, again responded, "No, I make over $100,000 a week."

Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer, again repeated, "For the last time, I'm telling you we are doomed! There is NO ONE else on this island. There is NO food. There is NO water. We are, I repeat, we ARE going to die!"

Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, "Don't make me say this again. I make over $100,000 per week. I tithe 10 percent. My pastor WILL find us!"

Received from John Baker.

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11/16/19 1:12 A
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Scrub the Toilet
I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of a toilet.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Hazing the new guy," he said.

"You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet."

His reply was quick and to the point: "You didn't."

Received from Jeffery S. Carr, Reader's Digest.

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11/7/19 11:26 A
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Ship Shape
My daughter, Michelle, is the commander of a Coast Guard cutter. When she gave my husband, Bob, a tour of her ship, he was impressed with the neatness of all decks. However, when Michelle brought Bob to her house, he couldn't believe the disorganization.

"Why is everything in its place on your ship," he asked, "but your house is such a mess?"

Michelle replied, "My house doesn't take 30-degree rolls."

Originally from the Reader's Digest.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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10/1/19 11:44 P
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Languages
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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Night Watchman

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate, it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.

"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away."

The guard let him pass, but he decided to keep a close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!"

"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"

"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant, and you have failed. So you're fired."

"Wait a minute -- what do you mean failed? Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."

"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?"

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.

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Pushing a Car
As I pulled into the gas station, I noticed a woman trying to push her car toward the pump. Having always considered myself a Good Samaritan, I parked and joined her in pushing her car.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm giving you a hand," I said. "What are you doing?"

"I'm stretching before my run."

Received from Jim Shaw, Reader's Digest.

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Pastor Reads Note
Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he'd been handed moments earlier. "It says here that I should announce that there will be no BS tomorrow morning," he said.

He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, "I'm hoping they mean 'Bible Study'."

Received from Barbara Geerts, Reader's Digest.

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Redneck Letter
Wednesday, August 21, 2019
Dear son,

I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure about it though. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since. The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week. The first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you. About that coat you wanted me to send, your uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
There isn’t much more news at the time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your favorite aunt,

Mom


Sarcastic Al Says:
I read a survey that said 82% of people enjoy being cuddled. But if the people on my morning bus are any indication, the real figure is, like 0%.

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Scrimping and Saving
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979."

"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.

"No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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The Rules of Bureaucracy
1. Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap, wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.

10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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Seen on T-Shirts
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"

"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

"All men are idiots, and I married their king"

"Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!"

"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"

"Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!"

"My wild oats have turned into shredded wheat."

"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

Received from FranCMT2.

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Talking Duck
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says, "Hey, you're a duck!"

"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.

"Yeah, but I mean -- you can TALK!" says the barman.

"I guess your ears are fine, too," answers the duck. "Now, can I have a beer please?" The barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area. "Oh," says the duck, "I work as a plasterer on the building site over there. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint."

And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager. The next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. The circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck. "You should get it into your circus," he says. "You could make a lot of bucks out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it."

The following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime. The barman says, "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you."

"Really?" says the duck.

"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily."

"Hang on," says the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"

"That's right."

"That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?"

"Yeah!"

"That's canvas, isn't it?" asks the duck.

"Of course," replies the barman. "I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen."

The duck looks very puzzled. "What would he want with a plasterer?"

Received from Keith Sullivan.

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Promotion

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the mail room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"Uuuh ... Thanks, Dad?"

Received from Clean-Laffs.

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Letter of Rejection of Rejection Letter
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:

Thank you for your letter of _________.

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.

--

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Football Coach
A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits.

"Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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Groaner: Irish Capital
A government committee was formed to investigate the emergence of Ireland as a world financial power. After months of study and deliberation, they determined that it was due to the fact that the country's capital was always Dublin.

Received from Stan Kegel.

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Employment Test
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"

"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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The Mystic

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.

The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.

"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."

"Yes -- so what?"

"Think about it," said the mystic reverently. "That little bottle -- how does it know?"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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The Water Hole
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer twenty-five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud day and night."

"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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Want Ads
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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Groaner: Obit

One morning at our small-town newspaper office, one of the editors was struggling to write a headline for the obituary of a woman who was noted for little besides a fondness for crossword puzzles.

"What am I supposed to write?" the editor whined. "She liked puzzles?"

Just then one of our copy editors piped up, "How about, 'Crossword fan is now six down.'"

(By James Vlahos)


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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second woman chirps, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”

The third woman says smugly, “My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle “Well…..?”

She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2″, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh my God!!!”

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These are actual quotes of what people said in court, word for word:


Q: Did you see my client flee the scene?
A: No, sir, I didn’t. But subsequently I observed someone running several blocks away who matched the description of the offender.
Q: Who provided you with the description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer of yours provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust this fellow officer?
A: Yes, sir, with my life.
Q: With your life? Let me then ask you this, officer. Do you have a room were you change your clothes in preparation for the day’s duties?
A: Yes, sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes, sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Why is it, officer, that if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those some officers?
A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex. And sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.



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Referrals
When our local doctor began attending church services, the minister was delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other in their work, the minister referring people to the doctor, and vice versa.

One referral from the doctor called at the church office with a note prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The minister was most pleased until he discovered that the patient's problem was insomnia.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

--

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Reprimand
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. She then carefully applied cold cream all over her face except her eyes, which she outlined with a different cream. She then proceeded to put her hair in high rollers.

As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

Received from Irene A. Mystery.

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A man was driving down the road when the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming curses in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the “What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the “Choose Life” license plate holder, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.”


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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. “Who stole my horse?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“I’m gonna have another beer and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I’m finished, I’m gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don’t want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home!”


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A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem – the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, “Look, It’s not the same hat!” or, “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” Or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. it was, after all, the Captain’s’ parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it, with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day. And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said….

“OK, I give up. Where’s the damn ship?”


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FAMOUS LAST WORDS

Hindsight Is 20-20
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.

"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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President's Day
/* Disclaimer: This joke is equally funny regardless of who is in office at the time. It is not meant to apply to the current or any specific President. */

I was eating lunch on the 18th of February with my 10-year-old grandson and I asked him, "What day is tomorrow?"

He said, "It's President's Day!" He is a smart kid.

I asked, "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln, etc.

He replied, "President's Day is when the President steps out of the White House. If he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose...

Received from Gayle Marie.

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