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JPGRAMMA's Photo JPGRAMMA SparkPoints: (7,345)
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3/17/13 3:36 P

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Some days I think I'm already there...where? LOL. Thanks for the laughs.

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Barb from NY


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GERARLAUR's Photo GERARLAUR Posts: 341
3/14/13 11:43 A

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Cute!

MERRILYSLAWSON's Photo MERRILYSLAWSON Posts: 6
12/30/12 3:47 P

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Oh God that could be me in 10 years!

Peace to everyone!


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RONALANA's Photo RONALANA Posts: 1,002
9/23/12 11:58 A

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This one made me laugh! emoticon
An elderly woman was speeding down the road when she was stopped by a policeman.
Policeman: "Ma'am, did you realize that you were exceeding the posted speed limit?"
Woman: "Sir, I need to get where I'm going QUICKLY before I forget where I was going!"

Alana - Florianópolis, Brazil
"A healthy body is a guest-chamber for the soul; a sick body is a prison." Francis Bacon
BECKYLIZ's Photo BECKYLIZ SparkPoints: (0)
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9/13/12 3:18 P

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Hillary Clinton was in China during the Democratic National Convention. When told that Bill Clinton did really good there, she said "what?", they said, you know he was in Charlotte. She replied, who is Charlotte? -- heard on the Bill Maher Show

Edited by: BECKYLIZ at: 9/13/2012 (15:20)
JUST FOR TODAY, ONE DAY AT A TIME

John 3:16 KJV -
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

"If the only prayer you ever say in your life is thank you, it will be enough" - Meister Eckhart


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9/11/12 2:03 A

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Too funny

R-U-JELLEN's Photo R-U-JELLEN Posts: 1,175
9/7/12 2:22 P

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Thanks for all the laughs!! I've sent many of them on to my sister and over 60 friends!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

"Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, and life to everything" ~Plato

"Shout with joy to the Lord, all the earth, burst into jubilant song with music" ~Psalm 98

Jo


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WHERERMY62KEYS Posts: 4,512
8/13/12 12:58 P

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What do donkeys get for lunch? Half an hour same as everyone else. lol

WHERERMY62KEYS Posts: 4,512
8/3/12 4:50 A

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I love this forum. Will have to find some jokes to post. I have been laughing at the posts with my 13 year old grand daughter. She loved the one about the taxi driver in Salford.

WHEYLESS2's Photo WHEYLESS2 SparkPoints: (0)
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8/2/12 1:38 P

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A duck walks into a grocery store and asks for the Manager. He asks the manager, "You got any grapes?" and the manager answers, "No, I do not." The duck walks out of the grocery store.

The duck comes back five minutes later and asks the manger, "You got any grapes?"" and the manager says, "No, I do not." The duck walks out of the grocery store.

The duck comes back five minutes later and asks the manger, "You got any grapes?"" and the manager says, "No, I do not and if you ask me again I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck walks out of the grocery store.

The duck comes back five minutes later and asks the manager "You got any nails?" and the manager says "No, I do not", and the duck says, "Okay, you got any grapes?"

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FUTUREHOPE49's Photo FUTUREHOPE49 SparkPoints: (0)
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7/29/12 7:30 P

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I am new and had a good laugh at some of the jokes and stories. emoticon

UK South of England GMT
Eastern Zone 5 hrs difference


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GOLDENSENIOR's Photo GOLDENSENIOR SparkPoints: (0)
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6/28/12 5:08 P

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Laughing is a exercise I love. So glad to find this group. Just had some good chuckles for today. Thanks

Together we are stronger. Alone I am weak.
With you and me and Gods help we will win the fight.
Go team Go!!


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MALZARD's Photo MALZARD Posts: 61
6/22/12 3:22 A

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Hi to you all
I am guilty of not keeping on with the diet (anyone else?)
Loved the Paul Newman joke btw Ttenicy
I'm off for a holiay in S Francisco middle Sept, NOW I have the incentive!!!!
Wish me luck girls as I do you emoticon

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TTENACITY-SR40's Photo TTENACITY-SR40 Posts: 1,182
6/8/12 6:55 P

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Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up 'How long was he missing?'

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75HEALTHYME's Photo 75HEALTHYME Posts: 19,070
3/25/12 10:36 A

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I like/love jokes too. I just spent some time scanning back into Nov 2010.
Great fun!! Thanks, Audra

Audra NH-USA (EDT=UTC-4 / EST=UTC-5)

"Never make someone a priority in your life who makes you an option in theirs"

It is HARD WORK to learn NEW habits, especially healthy ones!


SKINNYPAT62's Photo SKINNYPAT62 Posts: 7,751
2/26/12 12:13 P

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Hi, I like jokes!

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2/22/12 9:11 A

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I would like to be here to . I need help god bless

WENT TO BE HEALTHER NOW,AND EAT RIGHT TOO


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MAKEITBE Posts: 622
2/20/12 12:07 A

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Those were good........laughter is a good thing. emoticon

WVAWACKADOO's Photo WVAWACKADOO Posts: 65
2/4/12 8:34 P

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We'll always be good friends...and when we get OLDer...we'll be NEW friends...haha...

JANEY

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AUSSIEJAN2's Photo AUSSIEJAN2 Posts: 2,943
12/25/11 9:46 P

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There's an old vulture, lying...dying, and he turns to his mate and says, "Stay with me, Nigel." and his loyal comrade replies, "No worries, old friend, I'll never leave your side. Now...just rest your head on this platter.....".

Get wisdom, get understanding: forget it not. Proverbs 4:5


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BECKYLIZ's Photo BECKYLIZ SparkPoints: (0)
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11/29/11 5:46 P

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Good jokes, I'll have to dust off a few and report back

JUST FOR TODAY, ONE DAY AT A TIME

John 3:16 KJV -
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

"If the only prayer you ever say in your life is thank you, it will be enough" - Meister Eckhart


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ONMYWAY1949's Photo ONMYWAY1949 Posts: 2,615
10/11/11 8:42 A

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Grandma started walking 5 miles a day when she turned 70!! She's 75 now....we don't have a clue where she is!!

Trudy from Illinois

Striving to better myself

Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out.


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CD1937231 Posts: 5,790
9/29/11 8:48 A

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A man called home to his wife and said, " HoneyI have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"
" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box .."
Never Lie To A Woman...!!!
Send this to all the smart Women
And Men who can handle the truth.

CD1937231 Posts: 5,790
9/19/11 4:39 P

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Tap on the Shoulder


A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times


Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned

over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to

get his attention.


The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up

over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking

driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of

me."


The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't

realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."


The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my

fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.

I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."



LTMURPHY7 SparkPoints: (0)
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8/14/11 1:57 P

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Thanks for the smiles

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CLASSICSCRAZY's Photo CLASSICSCRAZY Posts: 79
8/10/11 3:27 P

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Thanks for the smiles....some really good one there. emoticon Gail

Edited by: CLASSICSCRAZY at: 8/10/2011 (15:28)
Gail....Manitouwadge, Ontario, Canada (North of Lake Superior)

Need help, staying motivate especially with exercise. I'm looking for a Exercise Buddy who is Type 2 diabetic and wants to lose 20 to 100 lbs) :)

Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.....William Feather


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7/27/11 11:58 A

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i don't remember anything funny but I enjoyed these stories

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ILOVEROSES's Photo ILOVEROSES SparkPoints: (413,184)
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7/3/11 7:43 A

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An 89-year-old woman used her cane to dent the bonnet of a getaway car used by two people who stole her 82-year-old friend's purse outside a Pennsylvania pizza shop. Police were able to track it down because of the cane's imprint.

Ania from Melbourne, Australia
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"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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ILOVEROSES's Photo ILOVEROSES SparkPoints: (413,184)
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6/24/11 2:55 A

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New York City plans to capture geese that threaten planes and send them to Pennsylvania to be cooked for meals for the poor. The plan is aimed at avoiding incidents like the forced landing of a US Airways plane in the Hudson River in January 2009.
emoticon

Ania from Melbourne, Australia
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"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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ILOVEROSES's Photo ILOVEROSES SparkPoints: (413,184)
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6/24/11 2:53 A

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A San Diego County Fair vendor's latest creation, deep-fried Kool-Aid, sold 500 orders a day in its first weekend. Charlie Boghosian said he had gone through 70 kilograms/ 154 lbs of Kool-Aid cordial powder and 700 kilograms/ 1540 lbs of flour since the fair began.
emoticon

Ania from Melbourne, Australia
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"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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ILOVEROSES's Photo ILOVEROSES SparkPoints: (413,184)
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6/24/11 2:49 A

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emoticon emoticon emoticon

Ania from Melbourne, Australia
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"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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LUV4KATZ's Photo LUV4KATZ Posts: 3,326
6/24/11 12:56 A

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If I remember correctly, I read this in an old Bennet Serf book of humor my dad used to have.

A society matron was attending a lavish dinner party. Unfortunately, she came down with a case of the sniffles. Since her ball gown had no pockets, she tucked a couple of tissues in her ample bosom.

Sure enough, her nose starting running just before dinner, and she used one of the tissues. During dinner, she started having a problem again, and went to pull out the other one. However, she had a little difficulty finding it. As she was rummaging, she noticed the young man sitting across the table from her staring at her in fascination.

Embarrassed, she blurted out ...


...

...




"But I know I had two when I came!"

emoticon

Edited by: LUV4KATZ at: 6/24/2011 (00:57)
Mary Lue
BLC 42 - FBI Associate Deputy Director
FBI Celebrations:
blcfbi.weebly.com/weekly-success.htm
l


BLC 41 - FBI Senior Executive
BLC 40 - FBI Secret Agen
BLC 39 - FBI Secret Agent
BLC 38 - FBI Associate Deputy Director
BLC 37: FBI Elite Secret Agent
BLC 36: FBI Analyst
BLC 35 - FBI Special Agent
BLC 34 - FBI Analyst
BLC 33 - FBI Top Grade Agent First Class Supervisory
BLC 32 - FBI Top Grade Agent First Class Sup


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ILOVEROSES's Photo ILOVEROSES SparkPoints: (413,184)
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6/16/11 11:52 P

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More than 20,000 Britons are admitted to hospital each year after falling out of bed. According to the National Health Service another 12,000 are admitted after falling from a chair, 6400 after falling from or onto ladders and 1200 after falling out of a tree.

Ania from Melbourne, Australia
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"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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HYPNONUMBER's Photo HYPNONUMBER Posts: 61
6/12/11 6:50 P

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Funeee



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STUDLEEJOE's Photo STUDLEEJOE Posts: 3,883
6/12/11 1:20 P

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Last Sunday as my nephew and his wife were getting ready for church there youngest daughter came in and said. Mama I need money to give the children church pastor his tip. Out of the mouths of babes.

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BAILEY1949's Photo BAILEY1949 SparkPoints: (0)
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6/8/11 4:00 A

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Had to share this one...
Sunday I was fixing breakfast for the family. We raise chickens and have open range eggs that are fresh daily about 100 per day....(We sell them) but anyway I am making scrambled eggs and after cracking two or three I hit one on the bowl and it just felt heavy and I thought OH NO!!!! I was afraid to look. When I did look it was one of my boiled eggs that I had in another bowl and my niece who stays with us just thought I ran out of room and put them all in my egg tray in the fridge....I ended up finding 3 more and then my niece found 1 more the next morning....We all had a very big laugh because you are afraid to look. Don't want no fried chicken for breakfast. Have a good day emoticon

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ILOVEROSES's Photo ILOVEROSES SparkPoints: (413,184)
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5/12/11 10:49 A

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Smart girl!

Ania from Melbourne, Australia
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"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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JUSFOLK's Photo JUSFOLK Posts: 1,830
5/12/11 10:30 A

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My oldest granddaughter (10), realized she had not gotten her mom anything for Mother's Day, and was apologizing, but then she redeemed herself quickly: "Well, when I was born, I made you a mom, so I'm done here!"

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JUSFOLK's Photo JUSFOLK Posts: 1,830
5/10/11 7:10 P

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For loads of belly-laughs, check out ILOVEROSES' blog: "Actual Worldwide Signs". It shows the english language doesn't always translate well...and that can be a funny thing!

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ILOVEROSES's Photo ILOVEROSES SparkPoints: (413,184)
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5/9/11 9:59 P

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emoticon

Ania from Melbourne, Australia
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"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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LADYRH's Photo LADYRH Posts: 15,257
5/9/11 7:13 P

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Loved this, talk about ultimate disappointment.
emoticon

LadyRH


You cannot control the wind but you can adjust ,your sail.
New Berlin. Wisconsin USA

Vivienne


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F8CONE8's Photo F8CONE8 Posts: 20,000
5/9/11 5:14 P

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Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.
~ Jim Fiebig



teams.sparkpeople.com/artists




Hugsfromoregon.com


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JUSFOLK's Photo JUSFOLK Posts: 1,830
4/23/11 10:17 P

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I read this one another Sparker's site:
Good: finding Easter eggs on Easter
Not-so-goo: finding Easter eggs on Christmas.
emoticon emoticon

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LADYRH's Photo LADYRH Posts: 15,257
4/23/11 8:24 A

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INSTALLING SPRING...
44% DONE.
Install delayed....please wait.
Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: Season not found.
Season "Spring" cannot be located. The season you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable.
Please try again.


LadyRH


You cannot control the wind but you can adjust ,your sail.
New Berlin. Wisconsin USA

Vivienne


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MSCRISPIN's Photo MSCRISPIN Posts: 710
4/3/11 1:34 P

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I love this quotes, I will add them to my inspiration list.

You can do what ever you want, if you are determine to do it .


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CD9639643 Posts: 1,952
4/3/11 10:33 A

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ILOVEROSES's Photo ILOVEROSES SparkPoints: (413,184)
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3/26/11 8:13 P

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emoticon

Ania from Melbourne, Australia
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"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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CD9639643 Posts: 1,952
3/26/11 8:50 A

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Did you hear the joke about the roof? Forget about it, it's over your head.

MSCRISPIN's Photo MSCRISPIN Posts: 710
3/21/11 10:40 P

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I love the use of the 2 words, your example is so true.

You can do what ever you want, if you are determine to do it .


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ILOVEROSES's Photo ILOVEROSES SparkPoints: (413,184)
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3/19/11 8:42 P

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Difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED

People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.
But there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are... COMPLETELY FINISHED

ENGLISH IS A WONDERFUL LANGUAGE, ISN'T IT?

Ania from Melbourne, Australia
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"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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