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JIBBIE49's Photo JIBBIE49 Posts: 73,977
7/16/15 1:30 A

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I hope since you wrote this you feel better now. When my friend lost her husband to lung failure 4 years ago she thought she'd never meet anyone else, but she met a nice guy only a few months later. She was happy for 40 years with her first husband, but she is doing fine now. I hope you are as well.

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IRENE96's Photo IRENE96 Posts: 119
3/11/14 1:48 A

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So has anyone ever heard a song they've heard many times and suddenly "heard" the song? That is what happen on Saturday. My daughter and I were coming home and one of here "screaming songs came on, but this time I understood the words and it was like the song was all about me. "Wake me up inside...save me from the nothing I've become". That is exactly how I feel. Like I am just going through the motions of life and doing what is expected of me. There is nothing left in me anymore. All the good parts off me died with Richard. I tried talking to my daughter and she said that this was stupid and means I don't think she is important. I tried explaining to her that Richard was my future and that yes I love her, she will eventually find someone and have a life with them leaving me alone. I no longer have a future. Since Richard died I have lost 25 pounds (in2months) because I just don't feel like eating. I force myself to. Most people are happy with the weight loss, but again Katie is mad at me for it. I am not intentionally trying to lose weight, I just don't want to eat, or do much of anything else...including living. I do what I have to do more, no less, and get very little enjoyment in life.

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UNICORN212's Photo UNICORN212 Posts: 13,258
3/7/14 10:57 P

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That will hopefully make the financial end easier to deal with. Just take one day at a time. I pray that the pain and loneliness eases a bit each day.

~Nancy


"Faith is not about everything turning out OK; Faith is about being OK no matter how things turn out."

"I would rather live my life as if there is a God, and die to find out there isn't, than to live my life as if there isn't, and die to find out there is."


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IRENE96's Photo IRENE96 Posts: 119
3/7/14 10:23 P

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Today we were finally successful in getting into the savings account with only Richard's name. With that being done we could also finally remove his name from the rest of the accounts (except the mortgage). What a victory, it is not that I am trying to erase Richard, it just hurts to see his name on all the paper work; but when all was said and done it took all I had not to cry because of the finality of it. He is really gone and I am a party of one.

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UNICORN212's Photo UNICORN212 Posts: 13,258
3/2/14 12:44 P

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Irene - When someone dies, a lot of the friends and acquaintances say "let me know if you need anything" - and then they wait for you to contact them. When you don't, they mistakenly think you are OK. If you need them, reach out to them. They don't want to be a bother and keep asking.

I hope things get better for you soon. If you do not have friends, find some - join a church, a club, find a grief group - do something. Reach out to your local Spark team. Find a walking buddy. I know it is hard, but after the first step it gets easier.

~Nancy


"Faith is not about everything turning out OK; Faith is about being OK no matter how things turn out."

"I would rather live my life as if there is a God, and die to find out there isn't, than to live my life as if there isn't, and die to find out there is."


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CHEYENNERAE's Photo CHEYENNERAE Posts: 2,081
2/26/14 5:17 A

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When my older brother Mark died 17.5 years ago I really missed him so for a long time I would write letters to him. It helped me a lot I still miss him but not as bad on most days. He was killed in a 1 car accident. He was only 36.

Edited by: CHEYENNERAE at: 2/26/2014 (05:18)
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IRENE96's Photo IRENE96 Posts: 119
2/26/14 3:41 A

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Hi everyone, well it's been six weeks since I lost my husband. Richard, but instead of feeling better I feel worse., especially at night. It's not like we shared a room or anything, because other than the last three weeks of his life he had his own room downstairs. I just MISS HIM! The simple stuff, I think. Talking to him about everything and nothing, how it went at work, the bills (which we never discussed which lead to a lot of our problems), my doctor's appointments, how bloody cold it is. The correspondence from the bank now all reads Richard Melby Deceased - that is so hard to see all the time, it is like a slap in the face. I brought up a picture he had in is room of the two of us that I gave him for our 25th Anniversary (I didn't have many pictures I my room), I loom at it and I just cannot believe he is actually gone and NEVER coming back. My daughter and I are cleaning out his stuff, throwing some, giving away some, selling some keeping a lot of it -- but it just like such a violation...like his "prized possessions," meant nothing. I k ow I have to move on and there is no reason to keep "all this junk", but it was his "stuff", do I really need to erase him? I have so many questions for him. You would have thought with his long illness and time in Hospice we would have been more prepared.

When will this "New normal" people talked about kick in? Because right now I am getting to the point where I don't care anymore. One nice thing is that I have lost about 20 pounds, now I have to keep it off. I am lucky if I sleep five hours a night. I hurt all the time (bone scan showers I need to have a new knee - no insurance) and now I am at the beginning stages of glaucoma (I was born with a rare form of cataracts which were removed about 10 years ago. And I still can't find a job. So in a nutshell life sucks and I need my best friend -- oh wait he died! So what am I supposed to do? All my old friends stopped communicating with me when Richard got sick. I am alone.


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CHEYENNERAE's Photo CHEYENNERAE Posts: 2,081
1/26/14 12:50 A

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emoticon You were together a long time & you do not need to get over or forget or anything else on anyone else's schedule. Take all the time you want & need to greave. Healing takes time. Take care of you my FRIEND.

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IRENE96's Photo IRENE96 Posts: 119
1/25/14 11:06 P

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It has been almost two weeks now since Richard passed away and I am already tired off being a widow. Not only because of the legal messes, it just isn't right. I am only 48. I am too young to be a widow. I miss being able to talk to him and see him.. We had so many more conversations to have. We have been best friends for over 30 years, HOW do I just turn that off? I am lost without him. My daughter says I should just ! to thinking about him all the time. But he is supposed to be here, it feels like he could walk in at any moment, then I remember, he is nothing more than ashes. I WANT HIM BACK!!!!

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CHEYENNERAE's Photo CHEYENNERAE Posts: 2,081
1/22/14 2:27 A

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Hugs

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IRENE96's Photo IRENE96 Posts: 119
1/22/14 12:16 A

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It has been over a week now since I lost my husband. Where do I start? Even though we had near blizzard conditions the night of the visitation, it was still packed. Almost everybody from ny work came, even my dad. The funeral was nearly standing room only. From my work the president and vice-president (along with his wife) came as well as the general manager. My original boss there, as well as the program director, warehouse staff as all as the remaining admin staff. All that was left at work was some warehouse staff and a couple of salesmen.

My dad came, but my mom said her legs hurt too much to come (I am not supposed to be.ad at her for not coming), both my sister and her family and my brother and his wife came. My sister hardly left my side.

.We had people from Richard's work, my in-laws work, even a friend we made at the cancer center (she is also the girl friend of someone Richard worked with). Not to mention all of Richard's relatives, one ever we in from California.

People thought I held up well, I thought I was a mess. It was great seeing so many people there who cared about Richard or was there to support a family member. One of the people that came was my jewellery that I used to work for. He lost his to cancer about a year ago. When we had the benefit for Richard he not only donated jewellery to be auctioned, but also bought several items. He has been a part of our life, since we were married. We got a card from my other old boss from the same time period, he was there as well, when Richard and I got married...who would have thought they would be presented at our funeral?

Going back to work eases the pain, it gives my life some normalcy, unless I end up talking about Richard.

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CHEYENNERAE's Photo CHEYENNERAE Posts: 2,081
1/13/14 1:49 P

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I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you & your family at this time. emoticon

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UNICORN212's Photo UNICORN212 Posts: 13,258
1/13/14 10:23 A

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I am so sorry, Irene! Give yourself time to grieve. I hope the hospice people are helping you with resources.


~Nancy


"Faith is not about everything turning out OK; Faith is about being OK no matter how things turn out."

"I would rather live my life as if there is a God, and die to find out there isn't, than to live my life as if there isn't, and die to find out there is."


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IRENE96's Photo IRENE96 Posts: 119
1/13/14 3:58 A

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It's over. Richard died tonight (Sunday) at 9:30 pm. He had a slew of loved ones around him. Earlier in the day the had made it sound like it could still be as long as a week. My daughter and I were getting a bit irritated with having so many people around so we hinted that we needed some alone time. They left, we ordered supper and right after we finished I went to go check on him and give him his medicine and the dog went ballistic, barking and crawling on his chest. When I went in there Richard was making this strange wheezing sound so I called Hospice. They told me that usually means that there is less than 24 hours left. As I was cleaning his eyes he opened up his eyes as if he was looking at everything one last time. We called his parents and brother and told them what the nurse said. They came back over and within an hour he was gone.

My chest hurts so much from missing him so much already. He was the best part of me, I just don' know how to do this without him.


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CHEYENNERAE's Photo CHEYENNERAE Posts: 2,081
1/12/14 12:22 A

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emoticon emoticon Take care of him the best you can & take care of you

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UNICORN212's Photo UNICORN212 Posts: 13,258
1/12/14 12:13 A

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If the nurses think you are doing a good job, then no one elses opinion matters. They are the professionals, so I would believe them before I would believe anyone else. Do what feels right to you.



~Nancy


"Faith is not about everything turning out OK; Faith is about being OK no matter how things turn out."

"I would rather live my life as if there is a God, and die to find out there isn't, than to live my life as if there isn't, and die to find out there is."


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IRENE96's Photo IRENE96 Posts: 119
1/11/14 11:48 P

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Ny daughter is her and his family comes by. B-) it his family never really liked Mr so their being here is actually harder on me than if I was alone. I allegedly like so am doing something wrong, even though the nurses say I am doing a go poo d job.

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UNICORN212's Photo UNICORN212 Posts: 13,258
1/10/14 6:54 P

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Irene - I am so sorry you are having to go thru this. Do you have someone there to help you, even if it is just to hold your hand and sit with you while you sit with him?

~Nancy


"Faith is not about everything turning out OK; Faith is about being OK no matter how things turn out."

"I would rather live my life as if there is a God, and die to find out there isn't, than to live my life as if there isn't, and die to find out there is."


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CHEYENNERAE's Photo CHEYENNERAE Posts: 2,081
1/10/14 2:07 P

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emoticon

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IRENE96's Photo IRENE96 Posts: 119
1/10/14 1:44 A

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It is almost over. Richard was hardly responsive today and has hardly moved. He has not eaten or had anything to drink. We believe the end will ???in come tonight or tomorrow. I know that is a good thing, but I am still dreading it. He did respond most of the time when I said, "I Love kou, lot when I cried. He has been my best friend for over 30years. All I know is as I love him . And I will miss him!!!!!


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UNICORN212's Photo UNICORN212 Posts: 13,258
1/3/14 2:23 P

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Irene - I am sending hugs and prayers for you. You can get thru this - maybe not as gracefully as you would like, but I think that happens to all of us. Can you get him to write down his wishes? His family may believe it if they see it in writing. And maybe you can move him to another room, rather than your shared bedroom? A guest room or even the living room? That might make it easier later, I don't know, it is just a thought.

There should be some grief groups in your area (check with the hospice people) that you cn get some advice and support from. Saying goodbye is always so hard. In a way it is a blessing to have some time before it happens, knowing it is approaching, rather than a sudden passing without any time to prepare.

I am so sorry this is happening in your life. Try to stay strong. And allow yourself to cry. It is healing and a release.

~Nancy


"Faith is not about everything turning out OK; Faith is about being OK no matter how things turn out."

"I would rather live my life as if there is a God, and die to find out there isn't, than to live my life as if there isn't, and die to find out there is."


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CHEYENNERAE's Photo CHEYENNERAE Posts: 2,081
1/3/14 2:01 A

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emoticon try to get some rest.

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IRENE96's Photo IRENE96 Posts: 119
1/3/14 1:37 A

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The end is almost here. As I lay next to him in our room, I wonder if he will be alive in the morning. We made it through Christmas and New Years, tomorrow we are supposed to "celebrate" Christmas with side of the family but I am nervous we won't survive the night.

He is enrolled in Hospice for his"comfort and dignity", but they don't really take the patient's and families wishes into consideration. Yes we want to be near him and have him at home for the majority of his last days but we would prefer for him to take his last breath at the hospital. I really don't want to sleep I the same room where he died. But if we bring him to the hospital, Hospice won't pay for it. When we asked Richard what he wanted, typical Richard answer, "whatever is easier for you and Katie."

In the last couple of days Richard and I have gone over what needs to be done after his death, what our financial situation is as well as how it is organized (he used to manage the bold). We have even discussed his funeral. The main goal is to get as much done so that we can discuss it with his parents they know that they are his wishes and they can stop coming after me.

I had been doing really good about not crying, now I find myself crying a lot,even when it is just the two of us and I am supposed to be in the caretaker roll. I have now one here to give me a hug and just let me cry and tell me that even though he won't be walking on this earth he will still love me. That someone will be here for me. Because as I go through this I feel VERY alone!!!


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UNICORN212's Photo UNICORN212 Posts: 13,258
12/23/13 9:43 P

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Irene - I am coming in late on this and I apologize for that. I am sorry you are having to go thru this with your husband, especially at this time of year, but cancer does not have any kindness or consideration in it. I hope he can find some relief from the pain and you can find some peace in your heart. Try to take some time for yourself - even if it is just 10 minutes.
emoticon


~Nancy


"Faith is not about everything turning out OK; Faith is about being OK no matter how things turn out."

"I would rather live my life as if there is a God, and die to find out there isn't, than to live my life as if there isn't, and die to find out there is."


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CHEYENNERAE's Photo CHEYENNERAE Posts: 2,081
12/23/13 3:30 P

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I think so too. Is he drinking enough water so his kidneys don't shut down?

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IRENE96's Photo IRENE96 Posts: 119
12/23/13 3:27 P

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He is not eating because he hurts too much and he is nauseous. They plan to send him home today or tomorrow with the assistance of Hospice. In a few minutes the will fit him with a portable PCA. The Hospice people will come over every day to help with his care. Believe it or not one of the questions he asked was if he could go to work. He can, but that is just a pipe dream -- I think he is in denial.

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CHEYENNERAE's Photo CHEYENNERAE Posts: 2,081
12/23/13 1:56 P

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emoticon emoticon My mom was the same way she would not eat because everything I tried to feed her was too sweet. I hope & pray that your husband makes it past Christmas.

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IRENE96's Photo IRENE96 Posts: 119
12/23/13 12:13 A

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We are back at the hospital and praying that we are out by Christmas. The end stages have started. They have him on so much pain medication that he is nauseous and won't eat, but he is still in too much pain to do anything. If they rreduce the pain medicine he will be in way too much pain. What they did was switch pain meds and that made a difference, at least he. Ate a little. They said him not eating is his his bodies natural way of dealing with the Cancer and it shutting down. We meet with Hospice tomorrow. Not hoe I planned on spending my last Christmas with him. I went in the bathroom and cried when the nurse told me about his body dealing with the Cancer. I feel so alone.

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WEBBQT's Photo WEBBQT Posts: 176
12/14/13 10:55 A

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I have no words, but I do have prayers.

Denise
Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. I will not be mastered by anything.

It's never to late to be the person you were meant to be.

Even if you can't physically see the results in front of you, every single
effort is changing your body from the inside. Never get discouraged.

Weight loss happens the moment you don't give up.


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CHEYENNERAE's Photo CHEYENNERAE Posts: 2,081
12/10/13 9:36 P

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emoticon

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IRENE96's Photo IRENE96 Posts: 119
12/10/13 1:25 P

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The doctor has now told him to go of the last chance chemo pill. If he continues to take it he will bleed to death. We have been in the hospital since Thursday, he stayed alone the first night and I have stayed ever since. Yesterday I mentioned that I didn't know if he wanted me to stay or not and he said, I just assumed you were staying. Guess that means he wants me here. The doctor said there is nothing else that can be done. He has a build up of fluid in his abdomen that has had to have been drained several times. It built up so much that they but in a a temporary drain.they want to put in a permanent drain but he he is draining too much, so they are slowing his iv. Hopefully on Friday he can get the permanent drain. He will probably never work again which Richard won't accept, he is not supposed to drive, which of course he does not want to believe. I hope he makes it until Christmas, but I don't want him to suffer a ny longer than he has to. Today is my birthday and I get to spend in the hospital. But I know this is last one I will have with him so I want to spend the day with him.

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JIBBIE49's Photo JIBBIE49 Posts: 73,977
11/8/13 10:58 A

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Irene, I'm thinking of you.

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IRENE96's Photo IRENE96 Posts: 119
5/14/13 9:58 P

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I am so sorry for your loss. Even going through it as well I am at a complete loss for words, other than the same thing that everyone says -- that now her pain has ceased and now your healing can begin. I am here if you need me.

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CHEYENNERAE's Photo CHEYENNERAE Posts: 2,081
5/13/13 9:43 P

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emoticon emoticon
my mom died yesterday at about 5:10 pm

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IRENE96's Photo IRENE96 Posts: 119
5/13/13 9:39 P

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Well we had my husband's appointment and it was worse than I thought. Since March not only have the old tumors grown, but he now has 6 in the lung. The new treatment didn't work at all. He'll be off for a week then start the old one again. They wanted to try a different deviation, but insurance didn't cover it. I don't know how much more I can take---it would be easier if I had a job.

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CHEYENNERAE's Photo CHEYENNERAE Posts: 2,081
5/11/13 10:24 P

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I understand what you are going through. On Tuesday I had to take my to the hospital by ambulance & her blood pressure was really low. She spent Tuesday thru Friday at the hospital & now we are doing Hospice care at my brother's home. She is doing as well as can be expected. All day Thursday she kept saying HOME & now she is.

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IRENE96's Photo IRENE96 Posts: 119
5/11/13 8:23 P

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Monday we go in for my husband's CT scan. I am really nervous about this appointment since he is in pain all the time. Plus he has lost his appetite, and has lost weight. I am afraid this is the beginning of the end.

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ENNAID11's Photo ENNAID11 SparkPoints: (0)
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5/4/13 9:05 P

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Thank you for your condolences. I have been going to a bereavement group which has been really helpful. You see that you are not alone in your grief. It also gives you the opportunity to talk about the illness, the death and the aftermath. You don't want to continually talk about it with family and friends. They never know what to say and sometimes say the wrong thing without meaning to, I had a long time to "prepare" for my dh's death. He was sick for so long (17 years). He died inches at a time. The final blow was the lung cancer. He survived two years. The last 6 months were awful. He was in a lot of pain and lost a great amount of weight.
I got a bit tired of people saying "the end will be a relief as I must be tired of taking care of him". While in a way it was true it did not make me feel any better.

The only thing I could do is to spend as much time with him as I could and just love him till the end.

Take care of yourselves through this extremely difficult period. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Dianne

HOPE is not pretending that there's never any sorrow - It's the knowledge that our troubles will be overcome tomorrow. It's the inner strength we call on to sustain us now and then, till our problems lie behind us and we are happy again


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IRENE96's Photo IRENE96 Posts: 119
5/4/13 6:40 P

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Hi Dianne: Yes, he is on several pain medicines, but he still manages to work full time. When I am those pills I have to stay home because they make me loopy (he takes oxy and percaset) every 6-12 hours. The other day I heard him talking to my dad and he said now he understands what it is like for my dad and I to live in pain all the time (we both have fibromyalgia and arthritis). And while I am glad he can finally understand my "invisible" disease, I would give anything for him to be healthy again.

I don't think I every gave you my condolences on the lose of your husband. Thank you for helping me when you must be going through such a rough time. I hope you have/had someone there for you to help with the grieving process. How did you handle the loss BEFORE it happened? So many people want to say "oh he'll get better" and stuff like that, well I know that is not going to happen. All I can hope for is as pain free as possible and hope to have him for as long as I can. But he WILL NOT win this battle. He came home today at noon and now it is 5:30 and he is still in bed. Other people don't see that, they just see the guy that dragged himself to work, not the one who barely made it home.

He can hardly eat anymore so the weight loss has finally started. He won't talk to me about the inevitable. I want to be strong, but at the same time I just want to crawl in my bed and cry and never get out of it.

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5/3/13 9:16 A

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Hi Irene, hope you feel a little better today. Is your dh on any pain medication. I know with my dh it helped alot. God bless you

Dianne

HOPE is not pretending that there's never any sorrow - It's the knowledge that our troubles will be overcome tomorrow. It's the inner strength we call on to sustain us now and then, till our problems lie behind us and we are happy again


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IRENE96's Photo IRENE96 Posts: 119
5/2/13 9:24 P

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Today got home at the same time as my husband. He was spent. I barely got a kiss and he told me he was going downstairs (he has his own room down there). His back hurt, his side and head (he has tumors on his spine as well as in is abdominal cavity.) I woke him two hours later for supper. He sounded drunk or like a little boy, he is so miserable, but there is nothing I can do. Today I am in oodles of pain as well because I had a steroid epidural in my neck yesterday so i can hardly move, so we are both miserable. Needless to say another day the dishes don't get done.

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5/1/13 8:16 A

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Dear Irene, my heart goes out to you. I have lived through what you are going through. My dh died last June of lung, bone and brain cancer. The stress can be overwhelming. Please feel free to use us as your support group. Sometimes just talking about what is going on can relieve some of the stress. My thoughts and prayers go with you and your family.

Dianne

HOPE is not pretending that there's never any sorrow - It's the knowledge that our troubles will be overcome tomorrow. It's the inner strength we call on to sustain us now and then, till our problems lie behind us and we are happy again


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IRENE96's Photo IRENE96 Posts: 119
4/30/13 5:57 P

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Thanks, I thought I was handling it okay. But the loss of my job was the final straw. They were my second family...my support group and then they tossed my out while claiming that they are they for me. Now I have the burden of caring for my husband while trying to find a job. The first few interviews I didn't mention him, while the last couple I did (the last one was for the hospice department secretary job). So I am at a loss as to whether I mention it or not. They ask if I will have any problems with being available and I tell them only later because of Richard, so what do I do lie? This last place should have totally understood they are hospice for pete's sake. At 47 (so is my husband) I am too young to be a widow, but too old to get a job.

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CHEYENNERAE's Photo CHEYENNERAE Posts: 2,081
4/30/13 5:23 P

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emoticon emoticon I understand part of what you are going through as my mom's melanomas are all over her body inside & out. There are over 100 of them & in early April she was diagnosed as terminal. she is only 71.

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IRENE96's Photo IRENE96 Posts: 119
4/30/13 5:18 P

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My husband was diagnosed with Stage IV Colon Cancer in January of 2012. Well like everyone else we thought he'd get through it. Well back in September we were told that there was no cure it was now a matter of finding something to hold it back. Several months ago they discovered that the chemo was no longer working, so they switched methods. They waited a week to start hm out on the new method and his cancer number went from 30-60. Then after the first round they warned us that in wasn't uncommon for it to go up after the first round -- and it did, from 60-71. On Monday the doctor said that he expected it to plateau or go down -- well it jumped to 106. He goes in for a new CT scan in two weeks. A friend of mine said I need to get over the fact that I'll never get old with him, but now it is just happening too fast. I've been trying to prepare myself, but now it is really starting to hit home. Now top that off with the fact that the job that I totally loved decided to drop me down to part time in October and my Grandfather died in November of 2011. My body is breaking down. I had a lot of trouble breathing while I went to the doctor to get that taken care of, so I didn't bother looking for a job until after the new year, now I have been and even though I have over 15 years experience, I can't find a job. I am on overload. How do I cope?

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