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BUTEAFULL's Photo BUTEAFULL Posts: 265,376
6/15/21 6:57 P

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Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Caroline raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see New York City and I was fascinated.” The teacher sighed and said, “Well, that was good Caroline, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, now the teacher knew he was a bit of a scamp, but she was desperate to finish this lessons, so she finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate.” Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.


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BUTEAFULL's Photo BUTEAFULL Posts: 265,376
6/1/21 9:21 P

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A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he saved his money and went on a trip. He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience: "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and shouted to me: "Jose, can you see

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5/26/21 5:11 P

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A new blonde stewardess began her first day. The route they were flying required that they make a stop in another city for the night. Soon after their arrival the captain showed all the flight attendants to their rooms. The next morning the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, and he noticed his new flight attendant was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, as he was wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing. "I can't get out of my room!" “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?” The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

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BUTEAFULL's Photo BUTEAFULL Posts: 265,376
4/27/21 1:59 P

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A newly married Liam goes to the meet Father Charles. He greets the priest and says, 'Father, I need to talk to you.' The Priest asks, 'Is it a confession, my son?' Liam replies, 'No, Father. I need to clarify something.' The Priest takes Liam to his private chamber and says, 'Tell me, Liam. What is it?' Liam asks, 'Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage? My friends keep teasing me about it.' The Priest smiles and replied, 'Liam, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli: The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung. Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself... "I'LL ALTER HIM."

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BUTEAFULL's Photo BUTEAFULL Posts: 265,376
2/15/21 6:40 P

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Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are reading a script at lunch. They are meeting to discuss Stallone's new movie *The Composers*, about the descendants of famous European composers joining forces to fight terrorism. Stallone says he'll play Beethoven, "My theme will be ode to joy. But get this: Joy is the name of my shotgun." "Nice," says Norris. "I'll be Mozart, and I'll conduct a symphony of pain!" "Sweet," says Stallone. "Well, Arnie? What about you? Who're you going to be?" Schwarzenegger thinks about this for a long moment, nods his head and says: "I'll be *Bach"

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BUTEAFULL's Photo BUTEAFULL Posts: 265,376
1/18/21 3:20 P

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When I stepped on the scale at the doctor's office, I was surprised to see I gained a few pounds, and weighed 144 pounds.
Offhandedly I turned to the nurses aide as she was ready to enter it into my chart, winked, and said, "Why don't you just take off that last four?"
Several minutes later my doctor came in, flipped open my chart and said, "I see you've lost weight. You're down to 14 pounds!

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BUTEAFULL's Photo BUTEAFULL Posts: 265,376
1/6/21 12:45 P

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A man goes into a bar in the airport and asks the bartender what the password is to their wi-fi.
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3 Me: There you go. So, what's the wi-fi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.



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1/4/21 8:23 P

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if things aren't going right...go left

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12/29/20 4:04 P

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A blond becomes terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." "No, from skipping everywhere."

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BUTEAFULL's Photo BUTEAFULL Posts: 265,376
12/20/20 4:09 P

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think that a person could go on celebrating that long?"

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BUTEAFULL's Photo BUTEAFULL Posts: 265,376
12/8/20 3:25 A

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Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, "like sitting around the pool and drinking Scotch isn't a good thing." Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas. So I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 77 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!" The line went dead. Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

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12/1/20 10:07 P

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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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11/18/20 12:13 A

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Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.

She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, “I don't know, I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure.

She then yells, “I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.”

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8/19/20 8:00 P

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8/15/20 11:14 P

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did you hear the weather forecast? chili today...hot tamale

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4/29/20 9:37 P

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what did the ocean say to the shore? It didn't say anything...it just waved

Edited by: BUTEAFULL at: 8/15/2020 (04:47)
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2/1/20 5:24 P

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2/1/20 1:41 A

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1/31/20 11:41 P

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Lead By Example

I've seen plenty of batting slumps," the manager told one of his coaches.

"But I've never had a whole lineup in a slump before."

The team had lost 19 of its last 20 games, scoring only eight runs during

that whole stretch. The best they'd done was four hits in a game.

"We have to try something different," the manager said to his batting coach.

"What do you have in mind?" the batting coach asked warily.

"I'm going into the batting cage myself," the manager said.

The coach tried to talk him out of it. But the manager was desperate, willing

to try anything.

With the whole team watching, the coach swung at the first pitch and missed.

He missed the second pitch. Ditto the third, fourth, and fifth. On the sixth pitch,

he just nicked the ball, which dribbled back to the pitcher's mound.

The manager slammed his bat to the ground, turned around, and stared at his

players. "That's how you guys look at the plate!" he yelled. "Now get up there

and HIT the ball!”

- From Daily Clean Jokes

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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1/31/20 11:41 P

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Banana Bread

The banana loaf I was making was in the oven when my 16-year-old came

into the kitchen where the family had gathered.


"That bread smells about done don't you think, Mom?" he asked.

I told him I had set the timer and it still had five minutes.

A little later he repeated his suggestion. "Mom, I really think that loaf is done.

Maybe you should check it."


Always quick to come to my defense, my 13-year-old son said, "Eddie, Mom’s

been burning that banana bread for 20 years now. I think she knows when to

take it out."

- From Clean Laffs

DEE Southern New Jersey

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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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1/22/20 11:42 P

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1/21/20 5:21 P

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1/20/20 10:41 P

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Hearing Aid

In morning service at our church, the pastor asked the
congregation if anyone had something to thank God for.
An elderly gentleman rose to his feet and said, "I want
to thank God for my new hearing aid. Now I can hear
you." He paused before adding with a smile, "When I
want to."

- From Da Mouse Tracks

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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1/20/20 10:40 P

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Farewell Reception

The Parish was giving a farewell party for its pastor.

One dear old lady wept continuously as she shook
hands with him. “I’m sorry to see you go,” she sobbed.

“Now, now, don’t cry,” the pastor consoled her. “The
bishop will send you a good pastor in my place. In
fact, he’ll send you a much better one.”

At that, the woman wailed all the louder, “That’s what
they told us last time!”

- From Overheard at the Country Cafe

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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1/20/20 10:39 P

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thank you these are good

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

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1/20/20 10:39 P

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lol

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
Menopause & Losing
Grandpas & Grandmas Are Special

Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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BUTEAFULL's Photo BUTEAFULL Posts: 265,376
10/31/19 12:07 A

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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Williams, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Jerry, what's your problem?"
Jerry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 5th grade!"

Ms. Williams had had enough. She took Jerry to the principal's office.
While Jerry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal that this was an exceptionally bright kid. The principal told Ms. Williams he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Jerry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Jerry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Jerry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Williams and tells her, "I think Jerry can go to the 3rd grade"
Ms. Williams says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Jerry both agreed.

Ms. Williams asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Jerry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Williams: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Jerry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Williams: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Jerry: "Pants."
Ms. Williams: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Jerry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Williams: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Jerry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Williams: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Jerry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Williams: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Jerry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Jerry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

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10/9/19 2:36 P

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10/8/19 4:16 P

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A fisherman and his wife have two children.

But the issue was they had no idea what to name them. No name sounded about right, but one day they realized that whenever they left them in a room to their own devices, one kid faced the sea and the other faced away. It was always the same kid, and it happened each and every time.

So they decide to name their kids Towards and Away, and as the kids grew up, they always still faced towards and away from the sea when they’re not doing anything.

Now when they hit thirteen, their dad decides it’s about time they learned the family business, so they packed food and water and went out to sea on their boat.

After about three hours, the fisherman’s wife starts to get worried, as they should’ve been back by now. “They probably just found a good spot, and are reluctant to leave,” she says to herself. But for the NEXT three hours she starts to panic.

Eventually, the boat came back, but it only held the fisherman. He was sobbing, and when he reached her, he told her what happened.

“We got caught in a storm, and as the boat tipped, a huge fish leaped out of the water. Towards was so scared he ended up falling out.” The fisherman’s wife was in tears at hearing the loss of her son. “That must’ve been a huge fish.”

The fisherman nodded. “You should’ve seen the one that got Away!”

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10/8/19 4:15 P

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9/16/19 12:29 P

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9/15/19 11:28 P

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Old Maserati

I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy,
Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just
driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car
broke down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement
parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses
ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy
just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed
Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry
any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"

There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes,"
he replied. "Oil."

- From ArcaMax Jokes

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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9/15/19 11:28 P

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My Job As A Taxi Driver

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver ...

It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried
to go the extra mile..

- From Daily Clean Jokes

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
Menopause & Losing
Grandpas & Grandmas Are Special

Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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9/15/19 11:28 P

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9/11/19 11:40 A

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emoticon good one!

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9/10/19 11:17 P

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A man is driving to the zoo in his van with a delivery of monkeys.

When his van suddenly breakes down. He sees another man with a van so he flags him down and explains his situation;

"Please help me" he says, "my van has broken down. Take these monkeys to the zoo for me and I'll give you 200 bucks."

The man accepts his offer, loads the monkeys into his van and drives off towards the zoo. About an hour later, the first man is still waiting for someone to come repair his van when he sees the second man driving back down the road away from the zoo with all the monkeys still in the van.

joke monkeys
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"What are you doing?" Says the first man, " I told you to take them to the zoo! I gave you 200 bucks!"

"I did take them to the zoo" says the second man, "but we had some money left over so I thought I'd take them to see a movie as well"

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8/26/19 2:21 P

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8/25/19 11:12 P

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8/25/19 10:21 P

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Heavenly Reward

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly
Gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a
loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter says to this guy, "Who are you, so that I
may know whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk
City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the
taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and
enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff,
and it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor
of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister,
"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the
Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute!" says the minister. "That man was a taxi
driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How
can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While
you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed."

- From Mikey’s Funnies

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
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Faith makes all thing possible
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Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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8/25/19 10:20 P

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Come Out
(By Margaret Millson?)

Our children's Sunday School classes were presenting their
end of the year program for the congregation - telling
about the life of Jesus.

When it came to the part about Jesus' miracles, one little
boy said, "Yes, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead!" The
teacher urged him to tell us more.

He said, "Well, Jesus told them to open the tomb, and then
He said, 'Lazarus, come out!' And it's a good thing he didn't
just say 'Come out!' because there would have been a stampede
of dead guys."

Needless to say our congregation enjoyed the presentation
very much.

- From Laugh & Lift

DEE Southern New Jersey

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Faith makes all thing possible
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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8/18/19 8:43 A

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8/18/19 4:09 A

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8/17/19 10:24 P

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Sermon

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the
front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies
cried out at the tops of their lungs, "Amen, Brother!"

When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again,
"Preach it, Reverend!"

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to
their feet and screamed, "Right on, Brother! Tell it like it is...
Amen!"

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got
very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching
and now he's just meddling

- From Mikey's Funnies

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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8/17/19 10:23 P

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Circus Act

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his
skills to the impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will
amaze you."

He climbs up to the high wire and jumps off! He flaps his arms
wildly, and finally his fall slows and the man begins to fly. He
soars upward, turns, and swoops back again. Finally, he stops in
mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario says, "Is that all you've got? Bird impressions?"

- From Daily Clean Jokes

DEE Southern New Jersey

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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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7/29/19 12:30 P

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7/29/19 3:10 A

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7/28/19 10:47 P

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Bell

Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the pearly
gates: "For Service Ring Bell."

Away he goes but barely gets started when BING! The bell rings.
He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. Peter goes back
to work when suddenly BING! The bell rings again. He rushes back
to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, Peter goes
back to work. Suddenly, BING! The bell rings again. Peter goes
back; again, no one's there.

"Okay, that's it," Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to see
what's going on." So Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old
man walks up and rings the bell.

Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing
the bell?"

"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.

"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" Peter asks.

"I can't help it they keep resuscitating me! he replies.

- From Mikey’s Funnies

————

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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Eternally Optimistic

During a recent meeting of our Optimist Club, we challenged
one another to come up with an inspirational sentence using
the word countenance.

This was the winning entry: "I put a cheerful countenance on
people every day."

It was submitted by our local funeral director.

- From Reader's Digest

DEE Southern New Jersey

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Faith makes all thing possible
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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7/21/19 11:32 A

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7/20/19 2:18 P

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Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a dino-genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

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7/20/19 2:17 P

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7/20/19 9:39 A

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7/19/19 11:49 A

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Hope this is ok

Because it's Friday...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

Edited by: MAMA2JJN at: 7/19/2019 (14:42)
Peace & Love !!!


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7/19/19 9:17 A

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7/18/19 11:41 P

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Quiet Please

My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was
doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone.

"Hello," she whispered.

"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.

"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.

"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.

"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.

"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are
you doing, by the way?"

Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my
trumpet."

- From GCFL

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
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Grandpas & Grandmas Are Special

Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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7/18/19 11:38 P

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Deer Hunt

Three friends went for hunting. An engineer, a doctor and
their pastor. They saw a deer. All the three raised the
gun and shot – almost at the same time. The deer fell dead.
But they did not know whose bullet killed the animal.

So they called the forest ranger and asked him to help. The
ranger walked around, looked at the animal carefully and
then declared, “It is the pastors shot.”

Other two: How do you know for sure?

Ranger: See the bullet mark. I m sure it is pastors shot.
It went through one ear and came out through the other ear.

- From PG Vargis

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
Menopause & Losing
Grandpas & Grandmas Are Special

Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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7/17/19 6:30 P

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7/17/19 12:48 P

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A young lad went to a tailor shop in Scotland.

He told the tailor, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here, and if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings."

A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of material left over. Take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

The lad rushed home and donned his kilt. He decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to wear his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, y'ell really like what's underneath," he bragged as he lifted his kilt.

"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

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7/16/19 3:29 A

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7/15/19 12:17 P

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7/14/19 11:48 P

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Who Owns the Monkey?

A man walks into a posh restaurant and orders his meal.
While he takes the first bite and is looking around, a
monkey swings down and steals his plate from him before
he is able to stop it.

The man asks the waiter, "Excuse me sir, who owns the
monkey?"

The waiter replies, "It belongs to the piano player."

The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Do
you know your monkey stole my food?"

The pianist responds, "No, but if you hum it, I'll play
it."

- From Daily Clean Jokes

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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Homemade Meal

A young man went to college. He found a pretty girl but he
didn’t know whether she has any interest in him. He called
his mother and asked for advice. The mother suggested that
he invite her to his room for a homemade meal. “If she will
come that means she is interested”.

He thought it is good idea. And said, “I will invite her for
next Saturday evening meal”. He was excited.

Sunday, Monday – no news from him. So the mother called the
son and asked, “How did it go?”

He replied: “Mom it was disastrous.”

Mom: Why? What happened?

He: She came but she refused to cook.

- From PG Vargis

————

DEE Southern New Jersey

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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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7/11/19 4:46 A

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emoticon Good one!

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Marriage Wakeup

As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was
very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.

"They're so thoughtful," Barb said. "Why, your dad even
brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."

After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married.
On the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again
remarked on David's loving parents, and even the coffee in
bed.

"Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"

"It sure does," replied David. "And I take after my mom."

- From You Make Me Laugh

DEE Southern New Jersey

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God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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7/8/19 12:01 A

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Clown

Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was
under the lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore
left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself
in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a
clown."

I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until
I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt
and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me. He asked,
"Are you giving out balloons?"

- From Clean Laughs

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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7/6/19 4:46 P

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7/6/19 12:02 P

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emoticon Great!

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7/5/19 11:23 P

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lessings



Blessed are the Internet junkies, for their time shalt be a net loss.

Blessed are they who knit their own hosiery, for they shalt not get

a run for their money.

Blessed are the auctioneers, for they shall look forbidding.

Blessed are the nuns, for they shall have no bad habits.

Blessed are those who stop horseback riding, for they shalt be full of

woe.

Blessed are the thrifty deer hunters, for they shalt get more bang for

their buck.

Blessed are the ministers who make mistakes, for it shall only be a

clerical error.

Blessed are the unionized church workers, for they shalt bargain in

good faith.

Blessed are the religious nuclear engineers, for they shalt have critical

mass.

Blessed are students in Christian schools, for they shalt have good

Principals.

Blessed are the poor losers, for they shalt continue to diet.

Blessed are those who are multi-lingual, for they shalt be misunderstood

in many languages.

Blessed are the drama students, for they shalt be a class act.

Blessed are the bridesmaids, for they shalt be wedding belles.

Blessed are the landscapers, for they shalt be bushed.

Blessed are they who do the ironing, for they shalt not be depressed.

Blessed are the orchard growers, for their work shall not be fruitless.

Blessed are they who avoid their in-laws, for they shalt not be relatively

annoyed.

Blessed are they who process lettuce, for they shalt see the tip of the

iceberg.

Blessed are they who own horses, for they shalt have stability.

Blessed are they that wrap leftovers, for they shalt be foiled again.

Blessed are the fishermen, for they shalt have net income.

Blessed are those who are tailors, for they shalt be suited for it.

Blessed is he who attends church at more than one denomination, for he

shalt be bi-sectual.

Blessed is he who stops smoking, for he shalt be a quitter.

Blessed is he w ho has a word processor, for his words shalt be minced.

Blessed are those who watch the stars, for their work shalt be astronomical.

Blessed is he who plows in a straight furrow, for he shall be in a rut.

Blessed are they who give hugs; for they are truly appreciated (more than

they'll ever know).

Blessed are they who have cellular phones, for they shalt receive the call

wherever they are.

Blessed are those who turn off their cellular phones, for they shall have peace.

Blessed are those who refrain from alcohol, for they shall remain sober.

Blessed are those who laugh often, for they shalt have strong funnybones.

Blessed are those who speak as lawyers, for they shalt be brief.

Blessed are the piemakers, for they shall generate fellowship. They are

also the "Upper Crust." They Have a Lot of Crust!

Blessed are those who attend church regularly, for they shall be p ewed.

Blessed art those who pray in King James English, for they shall surely

speaketh in clarity.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall always have a job.

Blessed are those who resist temptation at the smorgasbord, for they

shall be buffeted.

Blessed are those who listen intently during sermons, for their

understanding is great.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering, for they shall not

be forgotten.

Blessed are those who donate organs, for they are giving the gift of life.

Blessed are those who receive donated organs, for they have restored health.

Blessed are those who shop, for they shall be spent.

Blessed are those who drill, for they shall not be bored.

Blessed are those who are magnets, for they shall find each other attractive.

Blessed are those who have allergies, for they shall be scratched.

Blessed are the dermatologists, for they shall not be rash.

Blessed are those who work in muffler shops, for they shall hear you coming.

Blessed are those who work in bowling alleys, for they shall hear a pin drop.

Blessed are those who make pizzas, for they shall have lots of dough.

Blessed are those who fail, for they shall be a good example for others

not to follow.

Blessed are those who are a little cracked, for the Redeeming Light pours

through them.

Blessed are those who swallow bitter words so they won't have to eat

them later.

Blessed are the prophets, for the blind shall see through their eyes.

Blessed are those who are open to commitment, for they shall be fulfilled.

Blessed are those who are soft hearted, for they shall be comfortable!

Blessed are they that go in circles, for they shall be called wheels.

Blessed are those who are short, for they shall stand on ladders!

Blessed are those who do things anonymously, for they shall be found out.

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

Blessed are those who build ladders, for they shall give others a step up.

Blessed are the leade rs who have not sought the high place, but who

have been drafted into service because of their ability and willingness

to serve.

Blessed are people who know where they are going, for they shall not

make U-turns.

Blessed are those who spend time listening to an elder's tales of long

ago, for they shall inherit pearls of wisdom.

Blessed are those who lead by example, for they shall be mocked.

Blessed are the leaders who travel on interstate highways, for they shall

follow road signs.

Blessed are those who sing, for they shall find the key.

Blessed are those who sing in the choir, for they shall be noted.

Blessed are the hard of hearing, for they shall miss all the small talk.



- From Daily Clean Jokes



DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
Menopause & Losing
Grandpas & Grandmas Are Special

Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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7/5/19 10:48 A

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7/5/19 1:50 A

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7/4/19 11:44 P

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Control

While waiting in line at a busy airport check-in counter,
I noticed a set of rambunctious little boys in front of
me. As the line inched along, their mother tried in vain
to get them to calm down.

Finally she reached the counter, where the ticket agent
asked her, "Have any of the items you plan to take with
you on this flight been out of your immediate control
since your arrival at the airport?"

The young mother replied honestly, "The luggage, no; the
children, yes."

- From Clean Laughs

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
Menopause & Losing
Grandpas & Grandmas Are Special

Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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7/4/19 11:44 P

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Exercise

I've started a new exercise program.

I do twenty sit-ups every morning.

That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit
that SNOOZE button just so many times...

- From Bonnie

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
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Grandpas & Grandmas Are Special

Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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7/3/19 9:33 A

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7/2/19 5:41 P

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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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7/1/19 8:17 A

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7/1/19 1:19 A

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6/30/19 10:33 P

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Phone Business

A man in India wanted to start a new business – mobile phone.
He came to USA to talk with the best company here. The
technical consultant took him to an open ground and asked
him to dig 200 feet which he did.

Technical assistant: Did you get anything?

Indian: I got a copper wire.

“That means we had telephones even 200 years back.”

The Indian was angry and went back. Then he invited the
American telephone technical consultant to come to India
for negotiation. The Indian took him to an open ground
and asked him to dig 300 feet which he did.

Indian: “Do you see anything?”

American technical consultant: Nothing.

Indian: That means we had wireless telephone 300 years back.

- From PG Vargis

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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Study

Teacher: "Which is the best month to study?"

Student: "Octembruary."

Teacher: "Don't be silly. There's no month like that."

Student: "Exactly….”

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
Menopause & Losing
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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6/30/19 10:32 P

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lol

DEE Southern New Jersey

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Grandpas & Grandmas Are Special

Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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6/30/19 1:16 P

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Roger, 88, married Jenny, a beautiful 45-year-old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 88-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,

Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".

And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already??

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6/21/19 9:25 A

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6/21/19 12:32 A

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6/20/19 11:54 P

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Funeral

Our parish priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin
brother, also a priest, to fill in for him and conduct a
funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His brother, of course,
agreed.

It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down
the aisle, however, that he realized that he had neglected to
ask the gender of the deceased. This was information that he
would need for his remarks during the service.

Thinking quickly, as he approached the first pew where the
deceased's relatives were seated, he nodded toward the casket
and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"

"Cousin," she replied.

- From Miley’s Funnies

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
Menopause & Losing
Grandpas & Grandmas Are Special

Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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Sacraments

Religion teacher, “How many Sacraments are there, children?”

All agreed there were seven except little Sue, who shook her
head “No.”

Teacher, “Well, Sue, what’s wrong?”

Sue, “There ain’t any more sacraments. My aunt received the
last sacraments two days ago.”

- From JOKES PRIESTS CAN TELL

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
Menopause & Losing
Grandpas & Grandmas Are Special

Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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6/14/19 9:25 A

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6/14/19 6:09 A

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6/13/19 11:47 P

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Notes Found On Hospital Charts
She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. {This probably was not far from the truth!! Those gowns are probably put under the classification of 'x-rated!!!!}

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
Received from Pastor Tim

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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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Please Be Quiet
After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!" It worked.
Received from Pastor Dave Charlton
GCFL.net
=================

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
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Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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Missionary Toast
A missionary in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm toast."

A ray of light breaks forth from the sky and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT toast. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief."

So the missionary picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the head of the chief, knocking him out. He is breathing heavily while standing above the sprawled out-chief.

Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: "Okay...NOW you're toast!"
Received from Pastor Tim

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
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Grandpas & Grandmas Are Special

Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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emoticon ones! emoticon

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6/2/19 10:29 P

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Worst Analogies Found in High School Papers

- Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.

- His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

- She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature beef.

- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

- She had a deep throaty genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.

- He was so deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

From Laugh & Lift
=================

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
Menopause & Losing
Grandpas & Grandmas Are Special

Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




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6/2/19 10:29 P

Community Team Member

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Contacts
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answers, "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replies, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
Received from Acramax Jokes

DEE Southern New Jersey

SP Class of Oct 12-18 2008.
Losing Weight & Disabled
Menopause & Losing
Grandpas & Grandmas Are Special

Faith makes all thing possible
Love makes all things happen
Hope makes all things work

God is Good all the time. All the time GOD is good.

Let your life be like Angel Food Cake...sweet and Light---




 current weight: 201.0 
235
213.75
192.5
171.25
150
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