Group photo
Author:
GONE2018's Photo GONE2018 Posts: 1,942
10/14/09 6:26 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Anyone looking into attachment issues should check out the work by Dan Hughes. His book Building the Bonds of Attachment should be required reading. I've just started his book Attachment Focused Parenting so can't speak to that one yet but the SW we are working with on attachment recommended it. Please note also that Nancy Thomas's work, especially her earlier work is controversial in some groups.

ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





 Pounds lost: 0.0 
0
17.55
35.1
52.65
70.2
CROBINGO's Photo CROBINGO Posts: 2,849
10/7/09 11:59 A

Send Private Message
Reply
I read your original post and there is one more item you may want to research. It is quite common with adopted or foster children and even those who have been adopted at birth. It is RAD. I have two adopted children and I wish I had listened when I first adopted them at 5 & 7 when a friend/therapist told me not to wait until I saw the signs, but to start working with them right away.

They are great kids but we wasted time where we could have helped them work through attachment issues which often come out as destruction behaviors earlier if I had paid attention. Attachment issues can result in extreme behavior. The earlier the work with the issue, the better the results.

Our boys are doing great but we learned a lot and it has helped them heal, made them equipped for a better and happier life.

I highly recommend you do research on RAD. There are great authors out there like Nancy Thomas (When Love is Not Enough), Deborah Hage (has a website, is a therapist and has adopted 16 children).

In the meantime, I feel badly for your saddness and will keep you in my prayers. It sounds as if you already had given a piece of your heart to the baby but in the end you made a hard but powerful decision for all involved. You sound like an extremely strong woman and I admire you!


MRSLEWEY's Photo MRSLEWEY Posts: 16
9/26/09 12:28 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I'm so glad I have found a place here where foster/adoptive parents chat! I just joined alittle more than a week ago. Came across the SPT by mistake/chance and now I am blessed!
We are also foster/adoptive parents and we have had our 3 foster children a sibling group since March 08.
Our kids have 2 different fathers but the same mom.
We were to only have them for a weekend and now a 1.5 year later we are in the process of TPR and adoption! I never thought I'd be on this side of the fence, but the journey has been a wonderful, challenging, exausting, rewarding, frustrating and beautiful experience.
I look forward to reading more and chating with all of you.
Melissa


 Pounds lost: 7.5 
0
5.55
11.1
16.65
22.2
WILDRICE99's Photo WILDRICE99 SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (78,967)
Posts: 5,060
9/26/09 12:07 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Oh Kimberly, my heart bleeds for you. I hope that the future will bring you another little one when Kellie is ready.

Jennifer

You gotta move it to lose it!


 Pounds lost: 1.1 
0
13.25
26.5
39.75
53
MOMMYBYCHOICE's Photo MOMMYBYCHOICE Posts: 4,626
9/24/09 1:40 P

Send Private Message
Reply
hi,
I am not new to this site but if you are up to hearing a bit more about this may I share with you. I have 2 daughters both obviously adopted. they are 10 weeks apart. - My older was the first of a single mom who lost her rights. - her rights were termed by the state- during that process she gave birth to her 2nd child- a son, different father - the social worker notified us of the birth asked us to stand by to take custody ect... mind you at this time I had a 12 month old and a 15 month old. as it would turn out the father family took custody- during our court hearings ( we went to the supreme court before it ended) the bio mom said in court I had my son to replace my daughter. when the son was 16 months old she gave birth to the 3rd - she escaped the radr on this one- but due to some medical record changes with our daughter we found out about it. I do not have any contact with the bio mom or teh sibs-
Daughter #2 was the 7th live birth of her bio mom- all the children have been adopted. when #2 turned 2 yrs old the socail worker notified us that there was another sib another girl. where we interested - while I understand your desire to keep all the sibs together - pls see this from a differnt point of view- when we met with the social worker we opted to say no to the sib- before you jump hear me out... we said no because first GOD blessed us with 2 beautiful girls we never thought we would have. the second reason was simply this- I KNOW how much I wanted to be a mom I know how much it hurt not being able to have my own. I know how I felt the day my girls came- we said no to the sib because we did not want to take that away from another family- I gave all my info to the social worker who acts as a mediary and I update her as necessary - especially since we lack medical hx. the other family has never contacted us- not because they don't think its important but because right now they are trying to mesh their family. they are getting their family together and working on their dynamics and how much more stressful to little ones trying to explain why this sib lives here and this one there. I may be off a bit but this is working for us. we have no idea where the other 7 are the social worker had been unable to track but we do know of one and I am sure in their good time when its good for their family and child they will be in touch- but fo rnow I know this child is safe and loved by the people she is with.


 Pounds lost: 14.5 
0
12.525
25.05
37.575
50.1
JAMMINK's Photo JAMMINK Posts: 1,201
9/4/09 5:56 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Thank you all. I know in my head I absolutely made the right decision. It is convincing my heart of that. When I think of the home Kellie almost had I am happy she is here.

I truly hope the adoptive family sees the importance of the siblings knowing each other.

Kimberly




 Pounds lost: 13.0 
0
55.5
111
166.5
222
KARENE10's Photo KARENE10 Posts: 5,138
9/4/09 9:05 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I'm so sorry. I also agree that you truly are the best mommy for Kellie and that is why God has placed her with you :)
Maybe in the future,(near future), the adoptive parents of the baby will see that the children should keep contact.

Karene-Philly
ALLELUIA525's Photo ALLELUIA525 Posts: 18,650
9/3/09 7:04 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I understand the heartbreak. Rest in the knowledge that you did what was best for the little one God has already entrusted in your hands.

~ Tanya ~

"Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward..."

"All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them."

(quotes: Walter Elias Disney)


 Pounds lost: 13.5 
0
26
52
78
104
KFEARS's Photo KFEARS Posts: 1,917
9/3/09 4:56 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
So sorry to hear, but you are right, you have to take care of the ones you have first. We have had to make decisions like that a few times because it was better for our oldest, and it is heart wrenching, but you know what is best for your kids.




 current weight: 146.0 
156
151.5
147
142.5
138
PARTTIMER's Photo PARTTIMER Posts: 8,834
9/3/09 4:51 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I'm so sorry. I'm sure it was a very heartbreaking decision but it sounds like your daughter Kellie has the perfect mom for her. I'm sure you'll stand up for her a lot in the future.

1-31-06 began SPARK at 292#-11#

MY MOTIVATION - My 8 yr old son said, "Mom I love you, will you play with my kids when I get married?"


 current weight: 240.0 
292
262.75
233.5
204.25
175
JAMMINK's Photo JAMMINK Posts: 1,201
9/3/09 4:21 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Well, it all started when we received a call that our 2 year old adopted daughter's bio mom had another baby. They asked us if we would be interested in adopting her also. We said absolutely, first, because she is a bio sibling and second, our 2 year old has 4 other siblings she has never met and I hate the thought that they are all over the place adopted in various different counties. The baby was only 3 weeks old but in a different county. This held things up in red tape until she was 4 months old. By this time she had formed a "bond" by law with her foster/adopt family and had to do visits with us to make a bond with us. Within all of this time our 3 year old adopted daughter was diagnosed mentally retarded. Well, the day finally comes that the new little one comes to visit with us for a week. She was the Best baby and we fell in love instantly.Sadly, our 3 year old showed behaviors that we had never seen before and it was bad.With a heavy heart and many tears we had to tell the social workers at this time adoption was not going to work. Kellie has to be taken care of first and it was too disruptive for her. I am so sad about the decision but know Kellie is better for it.I am a little mad that the new adoptive family did not feel it important to have the siblings stay connected and in contact,of course it was their decision in the end. As soon as the baby left the old Kellie returned. It was really interesting to see. Sadly, this has ended my foster care as well, for now.

Kimberly




 Pounds lost: 13.0 
0
55.5
111
166.5
222
Page: 1 of (1)  

Report Innappropriate Post

Other Adoption General Team Discussion Forum Posts

Topics:
Last Post:



Thread URL: https://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_messageboard_thread.asp?board=0x2876x28160500

Review our Community Guidelines