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1/10/11 1:00 P

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That was priceless!!! emoticon

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REBECKY44's Photo REBECKY44 Posts: 9,900
1/9/11 11:51 P

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That was cute! LOL!!

*♥´¨)
¸ .• ♥ ´¸.•*♥´¨) ¸.♥•*¨)
(¸.•♥´ (¸ ;.•♥Becky ♥•

"When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust your actions."
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~~~""~~~


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1/9/11 4:41 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon
that was a good one !!
isn't it funny what respones you'll get by promising a man you'll just be wearing only what nature gave you!!! i hope at least one of the 15,000 men took her up on her offer !!! emoticon

~~Debra~~
~~~kirby~~~
~~~~la la la~~~~






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1/9/11 4:32 P

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Thanks for the great link, Debra!

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

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10/16/10 4:57 P

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those are great !!! another great job julie !!!

~~Debra~~
~~~kirby~~~
~~~~la la la~~~~






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10/16/10 1:56 P

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TRUE, TRUE, TRUE!
emoticon

*♥´¨)
¸ .• ♥ ´¸.•*♥´¨) ¸.♥•*¨)
(¸.•♥´ (¸ ;.•♥Becky ♥•

"When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust your actions."
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10/16/10 1:36 P

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Here is something we can all learn from...


Wellness Tips We Can Learn From Dogs

* Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

* Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

* When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

* Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

* When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

* Take naps and stretch before rising.

* Run, romp and play daily.

* Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

* Be loyal.

* Never pretend to be something you're not.

* If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

* When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

* Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

* Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

* On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

* When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

* No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout......run right back and make friends.

* Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

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10/16/10 1:33 P

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Ailie does no. 2, only it means she really HAS gotten into something! Usually, she has just taken an empty yogurt carton or something out of the recycle bag. She has a very sensitive conscience!

No. 4 - yes, they ALL do this, and , like you, it is usually when I need to go to the bathroom myself. They must sense these things.

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9/28/10 5:42 P

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julie, i love these !!! thanks for the doggie jokes !!

1. kirby and la la la run and jump on the couch and roll all over it after their bath. i keep it covered with sheets and they roll on those and the pillows.

2. sssshhhhhh, they haven't learned this one yet, i won't let them read this !!!

3. they did that when they were younger and it did make us look stupid. they are wiser now....tricks equal pup a roni treats

4. yes, yes, yes they do this!! especially on the hottest part of the day or worse when i have to go to the bathroom... they want to make me wait !!! lol

5. la la la did it once outside pet supplies plus and when we went inside kirby peed on top of another dog's pee. they were still little puppies at the time and it was their second visit

6. they haven't learned this one either... yet

7. they do make their own rules and we do what they want !!! after all they own us !!! lol

8. i hope they never do this one, i would die of a heart attack if i thought something had happened to them. they are at the door barking when they hear us drive up and try to knock us over to give westie kisses

9. they do this one everyday, especially when i am in a hurry to get back inside

10. they do this one too. they can always go back to sleep in less than 5 minutes !!!!!!!!!!!!

~~Debra~~
~~~kirby~~~
~~~~la la la~~~~






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9/28/10 12:01 A

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Mind Games Dogs Play with Humans


1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

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9/19/10 12:42 A

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mine too, thank God we don't have to worry about that !!!

~~Debra~~
~~~kirby~~~
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9/18/10 11:02 P

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Martha Stewart would fall over in a dead faint if she ever came to my house! LOL

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9/18/10 8:36 P

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LOL that's a great one julie !!

martha stewart is certainly not stalking kirby & la la la !!!!

you should send her that suitcase with the demon doxies and evil smelly ferret !!!

~~Debra~~
~~~kirby~~~
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9/18/10 7:31 P

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LOL! She definitely doesn't live here:)

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9/18/10 12:15 P

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Martha Stewart is Stalking Your Dog If...

* There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar.

* The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.

* The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.

* The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia.

* That telltale lemon slice in the new silver waterbowl.

* You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.

* Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.

* A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog's crate.

* Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool handknitted sweater with matching boots.

* The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.

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9/7/10 10:50 P

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Cute ones!! Thanks for sharing! I am always a sucker for a good sniffing joke:)

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9/7/10 2:09 P

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thanks for the jokes julie !! i love these !!! it does make you wonder what our dogs think, especially what they think about us !!! lol emoticon

~~Debra~~
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9/6/10 7:59 P

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Ok, here's another one. Debra has been very patiently waiting!

Dog Letters to God

* Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are they thinking?

* Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

* Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

* Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

* Dear God, When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What's he been rolling around in?

* Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have onramps?

* Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

* Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

* Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energyfields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

* Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.

* Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

* Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing?

* Dear God, The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me 'cuz they think I'm jealous of this stupid dog. Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I'm innocent? Does PetsMart sell lie detectors?

Edited by: JULIE_MAY at: 9/6/2010 (19:59)
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9/6/10 5:36 P

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How do I keep missing these???? This is really cute!
Thanks for sharing Julie!!! emoticon

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8/21/10 12:27 A

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emoticon that's great !!!
don't you just love how many ways they love us too !!

Edited by: MAMABEARLICIOUS at: 8/21/2010 (15:14)
~~Debra~~
~~~kirby~~~
~~~~la la la~~~~






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8/20/10 1:59 A

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These are too funny. (Though I think haiku is supposed to be 5-7-5, but they're cute, anyway.)

DOG HAIKU

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You will ever be.

Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds -- I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paper boy -- come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man -- come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

How do I love thee?
The ways are as numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

I Hate my choke chain
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack!
Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot -- no greater bliss -- well,
Maybe catching rats

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much as I do.

The cat is not all
Bad --she fills the litter box
With tootsie rolls.

Dig under the fence--why?
Because it is there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

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8/16/10 7:01 P

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you're wonderful julie, those were great, thanks emoticon emoticon emoticon

~~Debra~~
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8/15/10 10:43 P

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Dog Commandments

* Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.

* Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.

* Thou shalt not roll in any smelley stuff thy finds in the yard.

* Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. (I know what thou art doing!)

* Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.

* Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.

* Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.

* Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat's litter box.

* Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox. (she likes her privacy)

* Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me.

* Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time. (thou has been nuetered)

* Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.

* Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.

* Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone thy encounters.

* Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2am.

* Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.

* Thou shalt refrain from becoming overly affectionate with my mother-in-law's leg.

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8/8/10 9:34 P

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julie these are great !! ok im answering them so i hope everybody else does too !!

Does Your Dog Own You?

See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.

* You believe every dog is a lap dog.
i hope some aren't but i wish mine spent more time in my lap !!

* If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
no, my westies don't wear clothes

* You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.
yes, i have a ton of pictures of kirby & la la la in there but only one of joseph and he is holding his bearded dragon

* You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.
i don't have to claim it.... it was !!

* You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.
ok i tried it but they won't talk on the phone..lol

* You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
i'm a big homebody and i'm with them all the time so yes i miss them when i go somewhere

* No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).
yes and they hog it

* You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.
no, only because they don't wear clothes. tons are spent on food, treats and toys though

* You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.
don't we all !! nothing like westie kisses !! lol

* You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.
no

* You let the neighbor's dog sleep over.
no

* You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.
some people don't know how to treat their dogs and they are unfortunatly attack dogs.

* Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.
we own our house so there's no rent or payments.they have been to the vet more this year with their ears.

* When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.
of course, they're always right here and ready to be petted

* You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.
no, we sit there together

* You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.
i talk to them but they don't answer

* Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.
who do you think showed them how to fetch and roll over!!!! lol

thanks julie that was fun.... no everybody else answer !!

~~Debra~~
~~~kirby~~~
~~~~la la la~~~~






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8/7/10 12:18 A

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Glad you enjoyed them. Here's another to start your day with tomorrow. (Unfortunately, I was eating popcorn while reading this and almost choked!)

Does Your Dog Own You?

See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.

* You believe every dog is a lap dog.

* If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

* You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.

* You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.

* You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.

* You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

* No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).

* You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.

* You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.

* You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.

* You let the neighbor's dog sleep over.

* You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.

* Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.

* When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.

* You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.

* You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.

* Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.

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8/6/10 11:32 P

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I found a treasure chest! I haven't seen any of your new postings so now I am going to bed with a chuckle in my head. Thanks for the laughs! emoticon

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8/5/10 11:37 A

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
that was great julie, you're the best !!!

we're suppose to be over 100 again today with index up to 112. just reading about something cool is great !! thanks

~~Debra~~
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8/5/10 1:50 A

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You asked for it! Don't blame me for this one - I thought you might enjoy imagining being in an igloo!

There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo
was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor.
"Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.
"Wow, that's colder than mine! "said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice
there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
He won.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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8/5/10 12:42 A

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i reread this one just because the dogs name was coldwater !! it's been 102 with 108 heat index today, do you have any jokes with snow or ice ???

~~Debra~~
~~~kirby~~~
~~~~la la la~~~~






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7/31/10 12:07 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon that's gross but soooooo funny. i am so glad you give us a laugh !! i love the doggie jokes !!

~~Debra~~
~~~kirby~~~
~~~~la la la~~~~






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7/31/10 11:48 A

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Coldwater

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore".

Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt out of the way!"

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7/24/10 2:08 P

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that is so funny and being in alabama... so true !!!
thanks for the laugh !! emoticon emoticon

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7/24/10 2:11 A

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A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference between Yankees and Southerners...

* (Yankee) German Shepherd Dog; (Southern) Poh-leece Dawg

* (Yankee) Poodle; (Southern) Circus Dawg

* (Yankee) St. Bernard; (Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg"

* (Yankee) Doberman Pinscher; (Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches

* (Yankee) Beagle; (Southern) Rabbit Dawg

* (Yankee) Rottweiler; (Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

* (Yankee) Yellow Lab; (Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg

* (Yankee) Black Lab; (Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg

* (Yankee) Greyhound; (Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg

* (Yankee) Malinois; (Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg

* (Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.; (Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs

* (Yankee) Pekinese; (Southern) Mop Dawg

* (Yankee) Chinese Crested; (Southern) Nekkid Dawg

* (Yankee) Dachshund; (Southern) Weenie Dawg

* (Yankee) Siberian Husky; (Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg

* (Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor; (Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"

* (Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff; (Southern) Danged BIG Dawg

* (Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house; (Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg

* (Yankee) Any lazy dog; (Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg

* (Yankee) Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to the Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had...

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7/24/10 12:14 A

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Good one!
emoticon

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7/22/10 2:13 P

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thanks julie, that was priceless !! it does make you wonder what they really are thinking all day. emoticon

~~Debra~~
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7/22/10 1:46 P

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I found a new supply!

A Dog's Diary


* 5:30am: Started the day as a hero! When the sound of the newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber -- the impact indicating the paper was much heavier than normal -- I realized that no one in the house was yet awake! I roused my master by licking him in the face. He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms. His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired. Funny thing though: He didn't go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee. He seems to do this once a week, and I don't know why.

* 7:30am: Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb it they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion. This is an almost daily occurrence; you'd think they'd learn. My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily. I am sure the people couldn't hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.

* 10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet. It's not easy being a dog.

* 1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world! While it's true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter. It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he'd skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth. The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy.

* 2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present. He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion. I'm sorry, but he should know that I can't eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset. When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he'd lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.

* 4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls. A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks. "Drip 'til you drop" is our motto. We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids. Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance -- does he think I don't know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road? Last month there wasn't a male in the neighborhood who couldn't be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack. I let him know I want nothing more to do with him.

* 5:00pm: What a treat! On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile. After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver. I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill. Let Sebastian drool over Muffy -- he doesn't know what he's missing.

* 6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath! My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times. Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering. Why in the world does he do stuff like this?

* 9:00pm: Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever anyone's home. Ah, the life of a dog.



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7/22/10 12:15 A

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I am having trouble sleeping emoticon and look what I found! What a treat! I don't know why I don't get a notice about these! At any rate, the jokes were great and the banter was even better! Thanks for the good chuckle!! emoticon

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7/21/10 8:27 P

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emoticon yes julie, we know you would never even think of throwing the doxie under the mail truck !! emoticon
my mailman refused to deliver our packages because kirby barked at him showing teeth. we had to go to the post office 20 miles away to get them. finally he came up with the idea that he would leave them in a garbage bag up at the column in our drive at the top of the hill. isn't it silly !!!

~~Debra~~
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7/21/10 8:18 P

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Too funny! That's the nice thing about small dogs - they make more noise than big dogs and scare everyone away. #7. So true! Especially if the stinky things are dead and decaying and crawling with maggots! #10 - All I can say is that it's a darn good thing you DON'T have a cat!

Stupid doxie #2 started chasing the mail truck up the hill today until my daughter grabbed her. Good thing I wasn't there - I would've thrown her under... just kidding, just kidding.

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7/21/10 7:34 P

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oh no julie, you just love and adore your little angels !! emoticon these are great !!

kirby and la la la are 6 now and they still do these:

#1. they still run and jump on the couch after a bath and dry off with the pillows.
#2. they bark like there is a killer outside my door when the doorbell rings. they barked so badly at the ups guy, he asked me how many dobermans were inside my house. i told him where to stand and brought them out and he was in pure shock that those barks came out of those cute little dogs !!
#3. they own the whole bed, pillows included.
#4. if they want the pillow !!! of course they want and get the pillow !!!
#5. i leave a large bowl of water out so they don't have to "ask" for some.
#6. haven't shown them fishing lures but kirby does like to surf e-bay for good tractor parts buys
#7. any motor oil, cow poop, and other stinky things
#8. they like to rip the christmas paper to shreds
#9. not any guest kirby tries to with la la la in front of everybody
#10. we don't have a cat, but they do leave stuffed animal guts everywhere

~~Debra~~
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7/21/10 3:42 P

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Now, Debra, you're going to make the new team members think that I hate my sweet little dachshunds! LOL

10 Traits You Don't Want in Your New Puppy

1. He dries himself on your bed sheets after a bath.

2. He barks uproariously at doorbells on TV, but doesn't make a sound when a stranger comes to your door.

3. He not only wants to sleep in bed with you but wants to share your pillow as well.

4. Or worse, he wants your pillow all to himself.

5. He barks in the middle of the night to let you know that he's thirsty and you've left the commode lid down.

6. He is more attracted to your fishing lures than any fish ever were.

7. He loves to roll in the motor oil drip spot in your garage and then go straight to bed -- your bed.

8. He confuses your $10 a roll Christmas wrapping paper with his potty papers.

9. He becomes romantically involved with the ankles of your dinner guests.

10. He thinks of your cat as a chew toy.


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7/20/10 7:22 P

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that great !! i'm sure you're hoping the doxie gets shot julie !! emoticon

~~Debra~~
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7/20/10 7:00 P

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LOL

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7/20/10 6:42 P

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THE WIENER AND THE GORILLA

A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Dachshund. The man asks what the items are for.

He's told, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?"

The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund."

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7/20/10 11:38 A

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that was a good one !! i'm so glad you posted , i miss the jokes when they're not here.

~~Debra~~
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7/20/10 10:34 A

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emoticon


*♥´¨)
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(¸.•♥´ (¸ ;.•♥Becky ♥•

"When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust your actions."
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7/20/10 4:43 A

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emoticon I am really laughing because I know you hated to tell anything where the dachshund looked smart. LOL!

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7/20/10 1:39 A

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Ok, now I've been reduced to dachshund jokes:

I went to the movie theater the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dachshund. It was a sad, funny kind of film; you know the type. In the sad part, the dachsie cried his eyes out and in the funny part, the dachsie laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dachshund really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

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7/10/10 8:26 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon

Thanks! I needed that!

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7/9/10 7:29 P

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emoticon
that's a good one. kids can do crazy things. my niece married a man with a little boy. he was unhappy with them being married and he shaved the hair off of her cat. i'm surprised he didn't use the washing machine or the microwave. it was a good thing he only came there for short visits and lived out of state with his mother.

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7/9/10 5:27 P

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Washing the Dog

An eight year old boy walked into the local grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, not laundry, I'm going to wash my dog!" said the boy.

But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful detergent and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it could even kill him.

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. The grocer continued to try to convince the boy but it was no use. The young boy's mind was made up.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer approached the boy and asked him how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said sadly.

"I'm so sorry son, I tried to warn you that the detergent could kill your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "It wasn't the detergent that killed him."

The grocer was a bit relieved. "Oh? What was it then? he asked."

"Mom said it was probably the spin cycle."


(And no, Debra, I'm not thinking about the evil doxies. Well, maybe I considered it for a moment...)

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7/7/10 11:36 P

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that was a good one. i love the doggie jokes, i hope you don't stop them !!
i'll have to check out that shephard pic

~~Debra~~
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7/7/10 7:39 P

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We expect nothing less of our Westies now do we--oh yes, they would tell us to go to the store and get our own stuff! By the way, you gave me way too much credit if you think I won't laugh at the same things over and over.... emoticon

I'm posting a picture of the shaved Shepherd. It isn't great but hopefully you can get the idea!

Edited by: NANALD at: 7/7/2010 (19:46)
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7/7/10 1:49 P

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(I had to check back 3 pages to make sure I hadn't posted this one yet! I'm beginning to run low, but don't worry - I already have an idea for another joke thread.)

Genius Dog

A butcher is busy at work when notices a dog in his shop. He shoos the dog away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices that the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note which reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth,
with the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step.

Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Pete's sake!"

"He's not clever," the guy responds, "This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

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7/7/10 11:45 A

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I have never seen a shaved Shepherd! Must be cool, though, when you live in a hot climate.

You must be right, Linda. I ate a huge salad last night - 4 cups of mixed lettuce, one cup of green beans, 1/2 cup of black beans, and feta cheese. Only problem is that I buy the big tub of organic mixed baby greens at Costco and I've noticed that some of them taste like dirt. Oh well, I guess that's what dressing is for, right?

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7/7/10 6:05 A

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emoticon My son had a similar, but paid for surprise recently. He took his shepherd to be groomed, bathed, nails clipped, etc. They seemed to have confused the dog with a poodle because when they came to pick her up she was shaved except for her tail. She looks sort of like a greyhound. Good news is that it is cool and she isn't shedding. My d-in-law did not believe that it was her dog:) She took a picture when they got home and the dog has the same look on her face as I would have if I had known that my son was taking a picture of my rear end on the fourth of July. LOL

Thanks for the new joke---finding more energy to look with those veggies aren't you??

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7/6/10 11:02 P

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ahhhh that was a good one. it makes me think of the shows on tv where the groomers donate their time to grooming dogs so they will get adopted. that was a great one julie !!!..... more !!!

~~Debra~~
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7/6/10 8:47 P

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The Dog Groomers Surprise

Sheree Carroll said her Canine Coiffeurs place on West Washington Street stays busy by bathing, grooming and clipping dogs. The place is so busy that customers make appointments a year in advance.

So it was no surprise the waiting room was full recently when a woman arrived with two dogs for her scheduled appointment. She brought one of the animals into the shop and went back to her car for the second.

While she was out, one of the groomers came from the back and took the unattended dog inside for the works.

The dog, a mixed breed weighing perhaps 75 pounds, didn't appear to be the ordinary candidate for such special treatment. In fact, it appeared rather... well, not as clean as the dogs who frequent Canine Coiffeurs.

But the animal loved it -- the bath, the works. He rolled to his back and whined in ecstasy. When the groomers were finished, the brown dog was the happiest pet in the place.

When they brought the dog to the woman and prepared to pick up the second, the woman exclaimed, "That's not my dog. Both my dogs are here. That must be the stray I saw walking along the sidewalk."

The groomers looked at each other in disbelief, then looked at the brown dog that trotted out the door, happy toenails ticking on the sidewalk, and headed home to what would be one surprised owner.

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7/6/10 8:31 P

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Told you I was slow....I just found these! I don't know how I miss part of the emails and get the rest! At any rate, a good laugh is as good now as it would have been when this was posted. Thanks!

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6/26/10 7:36 P

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julie,
i love all these things we have learned from our westies !!! they must've been written by a westie owner. my favorite position for them to be sleeping is upside down with the paws up in the air !!! they look like snoopy !! these are all so true, thanks for posting them for us !!!

~~Debra~~
~~~kirby~~~
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6/25/10 9:06 P

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What Dogs Have Taught Me (Part 2)

Everything Else

1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.

2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.

3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece of furniture.

4. Personal Safety

A. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically.

B. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.

5. Recreation and Leisure

A. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know.

1) The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.
2) The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.

B. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.

6. Health

A. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.

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6/25/10 8:38 P

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emoticon So true!!! I particularly love the staring thing. Those big brown eyes sort of eat a hole right through you! Thanks for taking the time to share these!!

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6/24/10 2:23 P

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Boy, these are really true!! Thanks Julie!

Ella

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Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
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6/24/10 3:04 A

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Guess I'd better keep them coming so we can burn some calories!

What Dogs Have Taught Me

Daily Routine

The day is divided into two important sections. Mealtime.
And everything else.

I. Mealtime

1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.

2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or smell are considered gum.

3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important. Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.

4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.

5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.

6. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.

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6/24/10 2:59 A

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I love it, Linda! I'm all for a good laugh! In fact, you'd think that as much as I laugh, I'd be skinny! Have you ever noticed how much better you feel for the rest of the day when you really crack up? Usually, it's my kids laughing at something I've done, but occasionally I get to laugh at them (or just laugh at myself!). And I'd much rather laugh than jog! LOL
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Edited by: JULIE_MAY at: 6/24/2010 (03:00)
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6/23/10 7:12 P

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From Readers Digest:

Can a few minutes of hearty laughter replace your treadmill time? No, but getting the giggles does burn some calories, and the more you laugh, the more you burn, say experts at Vanderbilt University.

Their study recruited 45 pairs of friends (we're more likely to laugh with others in the room than when we're alone) to watch comedy video clips, including episodes of Saturday Night Live and the movies There's Something About Mary and Austin Powers.

The volunteers viewed the scenes in a room equipped with a device that measures the number of calories burned, and each person was hooked up to a heart rate monitor. At the end of the session, researchers determined that laughing increased heart rate by 10 to 20 percent and burned about 1.3 calories per minute. That's similar to the so-called workout you'd get typing, filing, or playing cards. Jogging, on the other hand, burns about 10 calories per minute. "Pay attention to small things. Every calorie counts," says lead study author Maciej S. Buchowski, PhD. Chuckle for 15 minutes every day for a year and you could drop up to four pounds -- and that's nothing to laugh at.

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6/23/10 5:48 P

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These aren't jokes, but I thought they were cute.


Things We Can Learn From A Dog...

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle him or her gently.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joys of a long walk.
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6/23/10 5:41 P

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OMG...I knew I hadn't been feeling well but I missed a joke! The world really may be coming to an end. I love the doggy dictionary and Ms. G has definitely read it and would be glad to illustrate. She has never gotten in to a trash can because she is too short but she will drag a waste basket across the room if she isn't getting her fair share of attention or knock it over if you have left traces of some rotten thing that she has chewed in it.

Loved the dictionary....as always many thanks for the smiles!!! emoticon

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6/23/10 10:28 A

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Short but sweet. Made me smile this morning!

Janis


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6/21/10 4:43 P

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yea, it is amazing they don't try to get in them. it could be that they watch me throw out the leftovers but then i give them something to eat afterward. it diverts their attention away from the leftovers. they don't try to climb or get into the cabinets or anything in the kitchen either. they do jump up on the chairs, the couch and the beds though. i use a baby gate to keep them away from eli's door when he is sleeping in the daytime and to protect people from them when they ring our doorbell. they bark so ferociously people ask if i have pitbulls and dobermans in my house. they are shocked when they see it was my cutiepies making all that noise !!!
that is so funny about baby locks for the dogs. those doxies are into everything aren't they ??? i bet they keep you busy chasing them all the time.

~~Debra~~
~~~kirby~~~
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6/21/10 1:05 P

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Wow, I can't believe that - a dog who DOESN'T get into wastebaskets and garbage cans?? All my dogs have loved to get into the wastebaskets and tear up tissues, and we had to get (are you ready for this?) a tall, metal garbage can for the kitchen that opens with a sensor when you hold something over it. We even had to install baby locks on the cabinets under the sink because one of the evil doxies uses her paw to open the cupboard (just like a person) and then sticks her nose in and flips it open (then proceeds to get into that garbage can. People always wonder why I have baby locks on the cabinet and they think it's pretty funny when I tell them I installed them for the DOGS.

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6/20/10 11:12 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon those were great !! i love those. kirby & la la la do a lot of these. but surprisingly they have never gotten into a wastebasket or a garbage can. i have always wondered why. i guess it's because they are so spoiled they don't have to go searching for food in them. it is so funny how the sofa is their napkins and the carpet too.

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6/20/10 10:30 P

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The Doggy Dictionary

LEASH:
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED:
Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL:
Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF:
A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN:
A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES:
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS:
This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER:
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET:
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers and tissues all over the house until your owner comes home.

SOFAS:
Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH:
This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN:
Every good dog’s response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP:
The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP:
A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require... especially effective when combined with The Sniff.
See above.

LOVE:
Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

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6/19/10 9:13 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon thanks for the laughs .... more..

~~Debra~~
~~~kirby~~~
~~~~la la la~~~~






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