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1/4/20 3:33 P

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OVERDUECHANGE, some things in your post sound familiar, you can always reach out to me if you want to.

NSV for today = drinking more water

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8/31/17 3:16 P

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He's extremely unstable... which is why I am afraid, no matter how much he tells people I shouldn't be.

I think his lawyer is finally catching on... he's made himself scarce this week (after last week replying IN WRITING to my request that he stop yelling at me in front of the children with denial that he'd done any such thing...
which, he may not realize I have on video tape... AGAIN.
That's not the only tape I have of him yelling at me and then denying (on the same recording) that he'd been doing what he'd just been doing... which is why I never called the cops when he'd push me or the kids around, because he'd offer an immediate verbal denial of what he'd just done... aka, he said she said, I can't convict it in a court of law, so why bother calling, right? that won't fly with me anymore, obviously).

Not all those who wander are lost


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8/30/17 10:13 P

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Wow--sounds truly unstable to me. Stay safe!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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8/30/17 11:33 A

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I definitely think so.

He initially tried to get me to just separate permanently instead of actually divorcing.
Like, why would that even be an option?

He said my refusal to separate was indication I wanted to go marry someone else.
Like, naw, you're not getting me that way again (before, when I would start to lose weight, he'd bring up his dad losing weight when cheating on his mom, which would make me regain everything I'd lost... no more being so easily manipulated by his 'logic'.).

With his mom, I at least get it... she's very religious (Irish Catholic from Dublin), and old enough that people around her weren't divorcing when she was growing up. But, my ex is not remotely religious.
He chased an old couple back to their house yelling at them after they passed out religious pamphlets to our kids at the bus stop multiple times and they were even catholic pamphlets.

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8/30/17 12:55 A

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That's weird. Do you think he was affected by her refusal to "give up" on a dead marriage or move on?

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 149.4 
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8/29/17 11:48 A

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It's been over 3 months now. There's a slight indent if I really look for it or compare it to the same finger in on my other hand.

He's still wearing his.
He's kind of a creepy bloke, so I think being married gives him some legitimacy in society... oh, if he's got a wife, he can't be that weird, etc.
Wonder if he's always going to keep it there? (his Dad left his Mum when he was in his early 20's, and since she doesn't believe in divorce and wouldn't grant him one, she's always kept her ring on in the 25 or so years since then.)

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6/3/17 1:15 P

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I've some of my own reframing to do today. I let some things get to me and am having a hard time letting a couple of work "failures" or oversights be OK. I was struggling this morning, but will keep taking my babysteps and self-soothing along the way.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 149.4 
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6/2/17 12:36 P

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... it's always good to reframe our thinking to change our focus and internal narrative, so I think I will give that a try.
I felt a symbolic weight lifting when I removed the ring for the last time. I can attach some positive powerful thoughts to what is left...

Thank you.

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6/1/17 12:07 A

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You feel what you feel, and that's always OK. And I will propose a possible reframing of that visual of the indentation: it is a mark that you survived, and thus a symbol of your own inner strength. If that doesn't resonate with you, that's OK, too.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 149.4 
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5/31/17 2:12 P

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Yep, I am thankful for that!
Last week, the ex did take our youngest out for a long chat afterward (aka brainwashing and sympathy sowing... pathetic and disgusting).

Wondering how long it will take for the ring mark to fade?

I googled it, most people seem to be saying about a year. (others say there's an old wives tale that it will last one month for every year you wore the ring... so, 11 years for the band and 1 year for the engagement ring before it? 12 months?)
I've gotten rid of the tan line already, but, the indentation is still upsetting to me every time I see it.

Not all those who wander are lost


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5/25/17 9:52 P

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So glad the pretense is over. And while you may choose not to air issues in front of the kids, you don't have to hide as much

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 149.4 
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5/22/17 1:28 P

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He finally told them yesterday (right after I told him I was taking the boys on an outing).

That went better than expected because while the ex was nitpicking and trying to act like the victim, the kids were pretty unexcited about the whole thing.

We had a great day out, no meltdowns or drama or behavior issues with the youngest, which is nearly unheard of.

AND... now that he knows? This ring is off for good.

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5/20/17 12:53 A

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Hang in there emoticon friend!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 149.4 
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5/18/17 1:56 P

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He's 8 1/2. It's been strained here.

One day, my ex started yelling at me because I wouldn't listen to him trying to gaslight me in private, so he came out yelling 'let's tell them now!!!' I'm like 'fine'... and started my video recording on my phone, and he stopped yelling and left the room.
Like that's not a clue, right?

Friday is the last day of school.

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5/14/17 1:13 P

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What age is your son? I imagine that may be hard, but do what you need to in order to remain sane and take care of you.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 149.4 
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5/13/17 11:27 A

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When I go out now, I don't wear my ring, but, I'm still wearing it at home. Our younger son doesn't know yet about the divorce, since my soon-to-be-ex-husband asked to wait to tell him until after school it out... which is next week. I can't wait to have this thing off my finger for good.

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4/27/17 9:55 A

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Thanks. I learned dissociating and deescalation during childhood, too... sad that the experience in that proved valuable as an adult, too. ~sighs~

Wish the legal stuff were behind me so I could stop worrying about it.

Wish me luck, I'm conducting some client training today while my boss is traveling.
;( The entire team will be at a conference together next week, except me, because with things up in the air as they are, I couldn't really make arrangements to go as well.

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4/26/17 1:18 A

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All I can do is send my loving support and energy emoticon Since my abuse happened in childhood, the way I coped was to disassociate when the worst was happening, so I never went through the legal stuff you are dealing with. I would only remind you, and each of us, that you are precious, you are capable, you matter, and you deserve joy.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 149.4 
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4/24/17 10:44 A

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You're right.

No is a complete sentence. Nothing will be improved if he admits being wrong, nothing will change, it doesn't matter.
I've also just been waiting for the blow up. He's been super well behaved (I told him he can only stay in the interim if he completely suppresses his temper because I won't tolerate any of it), but, a few times, I've seen the real him pushing to get out. He's kept it down, but, just seeing the edges of it puts me on edge. I really can't wait until he moves out. ~sighs~

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RESTORETOSANITY's Photo RESTORETOSANITY Posts: 319
4/22/17 10:01 A

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It is also not your job to give him an answer or reply or reaction that will satisfy him, because nothing will. If you're exhausted you may be giving his reactions and communications too much attention up in your head. He doesn't matter anymore except in his role as parent.

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4/19/17 3:10 P

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He got past the anger and derision and has been working pretty hard at the minimizing and the bargaining.

I've been asking him to seek therapy for years and now I'm the bad guy for refusing to go with him.
www.thehotline.org/2014/08/why-we-do
nt
-recommend-couples-counseling-for-abR>usive-relationships/


Appeals to romance, claiming he deserves a chance, claiming the prior chances don't count because I didn't tell him forcefully enough that he was on thin ice?

Oh, I'm SO EXHAUSTED. I just want this to be over.
My work is definitely suffering... but, I know obviously it'll be worth it in the end. Just to get through this part.

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4/14/17 4:52 P

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That's a good place to reach.
Once folks here started sending me resources to read up on the subject, I was like, wow, I know exactly how this plays out. So, then, each time he'd try one of the tactics, I'd start to placate or apologize or whatever, but, then I'd realize, wait, this is what happens, it's totally textbook.
It's been a couple months where I've been to the point where I can pretty much analyze it dispassionately, though a couple times he tried so hard to reassert old patterns, it was making him very upset that I was resisting and telling him no. A friend warned me that once the anger wore down a bit, he'd get back to bargaining and empathy.
Sure enough.

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RESTORETOSANITY's Photo RESTORETOSANITY Posts: 319
4/14/17 1:17 P

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There is something pretty typical about this, in my experience and in others' that I've seen. When they see they are losing control, they start switching tactics...anger, trying to make me feel guilty, etc. Eventually, I could step far away enough that I could watch it and not react to it.

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4/14/17 12:58 P

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Thanks, no worries at all!
It's been grueling, standing up to assertions and derision even more intense than usual, about how he's not remotely how my memories say he is and how nothing is as major as I have felt it is and how I should never have taken any of his outbursts seriously, etc and basically daring me to have enough evidence to take it to a GAL/Judge and expect them to view my side as valid.
I don't want a he said/she said, but, gosh darn it, no more of this "I'm not really that bad" when I know darned well he is, and I've only been a chump every time I've stayed to endure more of it.

And, of course, the guilt where he says "I can't be that bad or you'd have called the police" or "the fact you've left the kids alone with me proves you're not that worried". :-/ Um, no, just no. All it proves is that I grew up in bad situations and have no coping skills for standing up to someone.

Anyway, feeling good. All four of us will get through this, and by this time next year, that will be our new normal.
Also got some more local referrals from our younger son's school counselor (his GP referred him to someone but they're not currently taking new patients, so I'm still looking).

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4/14/17 11:49 A

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How beautifully symbolic to take that band off! Sorry, I just saw this post while getting ready for my trip. Stay true to you and your kids, making the strongest and most compassionate choices you can while you just live through it all, and find joy wherever you can. I hold you in my prayers.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 149.4 
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4/14/17 11:18 A

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That is so true!
Thanks. It's rough getting there, but, I already feel a lot of relief, no matter how upsetting the process itself is being.

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RESTORETOSANITY's Photo RESTORETOSANITY Posts: 319
4/14/17 10:40 A

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Change is hard...and when we see something we can't unsee it :) I wish you all the luck in the world. It's not always going to feel good to take care of you but do it anyway!

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4/11/17 5:44 P

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My husband got served with his divorce papers today. So, I thought, why not see if I've lost enough weight to get my wedding band off for the first time since our younger son was born?



There we go!

This won't be easy. He's already trying to minimize everything and claim our relationship has been nothing but sunshine and roses and he's the poor victim in all of this. ... which, of course, I knew would happen. He's always done it.

Have to be SO grateful for the sparkpeople community and some other friends that I've been able to keep in contact with electronically, who responded to my statements about life events with the pointing out of the obvious.
It led to a lot of examining things in closer detail for me, which resulted in this post on my blog "the lies we tell ourselves" for all the years I tried to convince myself I was NOT in an abusive relationship. I finally admitted it. And I finally am doing something about it.
www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
ur
nal_individual.asp?blog_id=6321053


Wish me and our sons the luck we need to get through the adjustment.

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