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GONE2018's Photo GONE2018 Posts: 1,942
4/5/11 5:47 P

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Thanks for Andrea. Don't even need to be in a restaurant!

ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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VEENAS1's Photo VEENAS1 Posts: 12,167
3/29/11 5:47 P

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Andrea good to have you back. Another funny joke. I really am going to have find some jokes to add to this thread.

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3/29/11 4:20 P

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A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror.

Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

*** Andrea ***

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VEENAS1's Photo VEENAS1 Posts: 12,167
3/28/11 7:36 P

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I really liked this joke. I hope there will be more jokes. I love a good laugh.

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CFMOSS's Photo CFMOSS Posts: 7,719
3/28/11 12:34 P

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Snicker......

Carolyn
western Pennsylvania
BLC 32 Azure Destinations
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3/28/11 7:34 A

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this has probably been posted before, but I like it! And it's worth a repeat performance!

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


Laurie

Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Calvin Coolidge

Co-Leader, Official Healthy Cooking Challenge


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VEENAS1's Photo VEENAS1 Posts: 12,167
3/3/11 7:38 P

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Just saw these jokes. They are really funny. I will have to find a joke to put on this thread.


emoticon

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3/3/11 11:39 A

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

*** Andrea ***

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3/2/11 5:01 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Laurie

Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Calvin Coolidge

Co-Leader, Official Healthy Cooking Challenge


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GONE2018's Photo GONE2018 Posts: 1,942
3/2/11 1:26 P

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Just got this one from a friend:

I figured out why I'm fat! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "For extra volume and body".

I'm going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".




ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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2/15/11 8:23 P

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ROFLOL!

Laurie

Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Calvin Coolidge

Co-Leader, Official Healthy Cooking Challenge


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GONE2018's Photo GONE2018 Posts: 1,942
2/15/11 1:04 P

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Love it !!!!

ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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2/15/11 12:12 P

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The ship sank.

He was the lone survivor.

He swam towards a distant beach.

When he arrived there, he crawled up on the shore to rest and count his blessings.

That's when he saw the first one... a pecan pie. He then saw a banana split, a cup of vanilla gelato, chocolate chip cookies, caramel apples, and yellow cake. Suddenly he realized he was on a desserted island.


emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Edited by: ANDREA0301 at: 2/15/2011 (17:29)
*** Andrea ***

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KEN1965's Photo KEN1965 Posts: 1,034
1/30/11 4:55 P

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That's funny. emoticon

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GONE2018's Photo GONE2018 Posts: 1,942
1/26/11 7:09 P

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ROFL!!!

ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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1/26/11 6:39 P

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A married couple is traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth 350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is only made out for $50.00."

'That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied. "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens. They didn't get there by being stupid!

Laurie

Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Calvin Coolidge

Co-Leader, Official Healthy Cooking Challenge


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1/17/11 11:42 A

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One day Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

emoticon emoticon emoticon

*** Andrea ***

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1/13/11 4:24 P

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Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.

The law student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have coffee." emoticon


The engineering student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer." emoticon


The medical student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes." emoticon

*** Andrea ***

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12/2/10 10:50 P

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Thanks. I love it!

Betty


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JEANINE100's Photo JEANINE100 Posts: 3,685
12/2/10 7:41 P

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I love this. I'm still laughing. Thanks I needed that today.

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12/2/10 5:09 P

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Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight.

These, of course, are only round figures.



*** Andrea ***

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10/12/10 1:43 P

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emoticon emoticon

*** Andrea ***

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GONE2018's Photo GONE2018 Posts: 1,942
10/12/10 1:28 P

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Oh, I've missed these!! I'm laughing myself silly getting caught up!

ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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10/3/10 1:42 P

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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?


*** Andrea ***

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To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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9/8/10 12:23 P

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One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was THERE WAS AN OLD LADY WHO SWALLOWED A FLY.

After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, "Do you think she'll die?"

"Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on FEAR FACTOR."

emoticon emoticon

*** Andrea ***

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To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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9/7/10 12:52 P

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You're emoticon emoticon

*** Andrea ***

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*SUNSHINEDAYZ*'s Photo *SUNSHINEDAYZ* Posts: 897
9/6/10 11:34 A

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I love these jokes (especially the wisdom one LOL). Thanks for sharing :o)

Kathleen in Canada

Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain.

mypositivesteps.blogspot.com/


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8/9/10 1:06 P

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Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"OK," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them right up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

"BOY, I JUST *LOVE* BASKIN ROBINS..."

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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7/7/10 12:26 P

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A group of 45-year-old guys discusses where they should meet for dinner. Finally, they agree to meet at the Kelley's Restaurant because the waitresses have low-cut blouses.

10 years later, at age 55, the group agrees to meet at Kelley's because the food is good and the wine selection is excellent.

10 years later, at age 65, the group agrees to meet at Kelley's because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at age 75, the group agrees to meet at Kelley's because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and it has an elevator.

10 years later, at age 85, the group agrees to meet at Kelley's because they've never been there.

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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5/10/10 11:05 A

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Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit and not a vegetable.

Wisdom is knowing not to put a tomato in a fruit salad.


*** Andrea ***

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To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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4/21/10 2:57 P

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If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

*** Andrea ***

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To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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4/19/10 11:54 A

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Why is a slim chance the same as a fat chance?

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4/15/10 9:51 A

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Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Hmm...

*** Andrea ***

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To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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4/7/10 11:20 A

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A man dining out calls his waiter over to the table. "I've noticed something odd," he says. "My alphabet soup only has numbers in it."

"Oh, I'm sorry, sir," replies the waiter. "We ran out of alphabet soup. That's stewdoku."


emoticon

*** Andrea ***

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3/30/10 3:43 P

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Upper Body Strength Training...

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then, try 25-lb potato bags. Eventually work up to 50-lb potato bags in each hand, holding your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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3/28/10 5:59 P

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I needed that laugh, ty :)

~jamie~


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3/22/10 7:39 P

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Thanks that was great.

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GONE2018's Photo GONE2018 Posts: 1,942
3/22/10 12:36 P

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THAT is SO perfect!!!!!

ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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3/22/10 10:58 A

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Stress is when you wake up screaming.....and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

*** Andrea ***

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3/9/10 11:33 P

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I'm behind ... preheating to 700 degrees ! TOO funny!!!

ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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3/4/10 1:50 P

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I have stuck with the following workout plan for several weeks now. I have yet to lose any weight, but they say consistency is the key.


Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.

Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.

Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.

Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.

Whew!
What a workout!


*** Andrea ***

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2/24/10 11:27 A

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Recent exchange with my doctor (true story):

Me: According to the BMI chart on your wall I should be 6' 7". I think I'm going to start concentrating less on cardio and more on stretching.

Dr.: Right...

emoticon

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2/19/10 11:18 A

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While I was making a huge batch of (healthy, sugar-free, fiberful...) snickerdoodle cookies, I asked my ten-year-old to read the recipe and ingredients off the box to me, doubling them as he went along.

He did as he was told.

His first instruction: "Preheat the oven to 700 degrees."



*** Andrea ***

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2/11/10 4:43 P

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Hey ... who's been watching me eat?? emoticon

ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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2/11/10 2:46 P

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Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

My blood pressure was high. My cholesterol was high. I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.

My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems.

He said, "Just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors. Try some greens, oranges, reds, maybe something yellow, etc."

So I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&Ms, and sure enough, I felt better immediately.

I never knew eating right could be so easy!

emoticon

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1/29/10 3:34 P

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Cute : )

ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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ANDREA0301's Photo ANDREA0301 SparkPoints: (214,309)
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1/29/10 2:59 P

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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

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*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


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MMESTANZ1's Photo MMESTANZ1 SparkPoints: (0)
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1/3/10 4:00 P

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I love it!

Don't let "perfect" be the enemy of "good".


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1/3/10 12:08 A

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Too funny (I'm behind on my emails!)

ML in CA

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.





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12/22/09 12:46 P

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First there was mad cow disease, then there was bird flu, and now swine flu.

Goodness gracious, itís Farmageddon!

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*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


 Pounds lost: 51.0 
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ANDREA0301's Photo ANDREA0301 SparkPoints: (214,309)
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12/17/09 2:02 P

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This would be funny, if it weren't true...

The History of Medication

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is unhealthy. Here, eat this root.

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*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


 Pounds lost: 51.0 
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ANDREA0301's Photo ANDREA0301 SparkPoints: (214,309)
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Posts: 15,813
12/9/09 3:01 P

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You're absolutely welcome!

(And again, not a true story...)

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*** Andrea ***

Co-Leader SP Class of Dec. 28 - Jan. 3, 2009

To achieve something we've never had we must do what we've never done.


 Pounds lost: 51.0 
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