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TKDISTA's Photo TKDISTA Posts: 359
2/3/09 2:29 P

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Thank you so much for your comments... and for sharing your own losses.

I have also been a little wiggy because we lost a former SparkTeam class member. He was using Ephedrine to lose weight...

They say they come in 3's... So I am holding my breath at this point.

‘Make no little plans. They have no magic to stir men’s blood and probably themselves will not be realized. Make big plans; aim high in hope and work, remembering that a noble, logical diagram once recorded will never die, but long after we are gone will be a living thing, asserting itself with ever-growing insistency. Remember that our sons and grandsons are going to do things that would stagger us.Let your watchword be order and your beacon beauty. Think big.’ Daniel Burnham

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2/3/09 10:04 A

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I too lost a friend while I was a senior in HS; he was driving in rain and wrapped his jeep around a tree. It was the first death of a friend that I experienced and it was tragic; it did take a long time to heal the pain of losing him. I haven't experienced anymore of my friends passing away but their parents I have. I lost my dad in 2000 and think of him often.

It was a good thing that you described the different emotions of how people handle grief. Remember there are different stages also.

With God all good things come to those that wait.

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NAYNAY2759's Photo NAYNAY2759 Posts: 585
2/3/09 9:32 A

You should be proud of your son for knowing that these girls could find comfort at your home during what is such a tragic time. . .

My daughter who is 16 now lost her boyfriend last May in a tragic 4-wheeler accident. . . The hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life is to look in my daughters eye's and tell her that her boyfriend had passed away. . . The funeral was tough. . .

The next few weeks after that were a blur. . . I'm so glad that you explained to the girls that different people who did or did not know this girl will have different emotions about the situation. . . It is a loss for everyone, and it's tough. . .

Please also let them know that it will take a long time for the hurt to go away. . . There will be events in life, that will bring up the hurt again (homecoming, birthdays, prom, graduation). . . Even though this experience is tough, they will each grow from this. . . My daughter has amazed me by her courage and strength. . .

We thank God every day that Josh was a part of our lives to teach us to enjoy every moment, and "live every moment like it's your last".

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JERSEYGIRL318's Photo JERSEYGIRL318 SparkPoints: (142,744)
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2/3/09 9:19 A

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Wow! Thank you.

Always leave enough room in your LIFE to do something that makes you happy, satisfied or even joyous.
Paul Hawken...

Walk a 5K faster than 45 minutes!
Run a 5K!
Control my eating!

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FISEFTON's Photo FISEFTON SparkPoints: (107,987)
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2/3/09 3:30 A

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I need a towel, now too. Thanks for sharing. I lost a friend to a hit and run driver when I was 17. As it happened during holiday time and I was at boarding school we didn't find out until nearly 2 months later so couldn't go to the funeral. However, the school did hold a memorial service for him.

My son has lost about 3 of good friends to various illnesses. The first died when he was 5 and the school told the parents that the funeral car was going to go past the school and were open and honest with the kids at school. Since the age of 6 my son has been at a special needs school and a couple of his friends have died from their disabilities or associated illnesses. Again, the school and we, as parents, have been open and honest about it and encouraged the kids to talk about their friends.

Thanks to everyone for sharing.

~ Fiona ~

Co-Leader - Disney Lovers Around the World Team

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2/2/09 11:32 P

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Hugging my teenage, whose 17 and actually my grandson. Hes been with me since his parents were both murdered. He was 18 months old when it happened and his brother whom I have raised and is now in college was 3 yrs old. Even at that tender age honesty was the best policy. I had to learn to say the words "mommy is dead and will never come home, and we will still love and miss her for a long time." The boys have grown into wonderful young men. I lost my daughter at 22 yrs old to a cold hearted murderer and I thought I'd never get over it, but they lost their whole world as they knew it. If I had lied to them...or handled it other way other than honesty, I think we would have lost the trust we have between us now and have had since they were babies. Just thought it was a good time to share my story as it was somewhat simular. Thanks for listening. And I echo...hug your teenager. And if you expect honesty......give honesty.


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DAZYMAE7 Posts: 88
2/2/09 9:14 P

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All I can say is Wow! What a beautiful soul you are.
You were exactly what those girls and your son needed.
I lost my first longtime friend and boyfriend to suicide when i was in junior high. How I wish I would have had a person like you to talk to.

You all are in my prayers..

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BRIDGEMIK's Photo BRIDGEMIK Posts: 1,314
2/2/09 7:59 P

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What a wonderful mother you are! I can only hope that my kids do not have to go through this, but unfortunately it is a fact of life. I can only pray that I handle it as beautifully as you did and that my children's friends have parents such as you.

My prayers are with all of you as the community deals with the tragic loss of a young person.


"A dream is just a dream. A goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline." -Harvey Mackay

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MINICOOPER452's Photo MINICOOPER452 SparkPoints: (331,006)
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2/2/09 7:31 P

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Wow, I agree, I need a towel-and-a-half. I lost one of my best friends in junior high and it was TERRIBLE. I am so glad that you told them the truth about what it would "look" like. I was horrified. I also work in the school district and was employed at the HS when one of our seniors died in a horrible, sad, drunk-driving, roll-over. We were all devastated, but no more than the kids who were her friends. I'd worked with her class for 5 years at that time and I was a basket-case. But I tried my best to be there for the kids. That's really all you can do at a time like this. Tell them, tell them, tell them, over and over and over that you are there for them. Open your home, just like you did that night. I'll add my prayers for Saturday and please, take a look at the link on my signature. It's a beautiful poem, set to music and pix. You'll have to copy and paste the entire link as I haven't figured out how to make it all one line....: )
Good luck and God Bless.

MiniCoop aka: MamaCoop aka: Carla
Dum Spiro, Spero: "While I breathe, I hope"
"God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change ... the courage to change the one I can ... and the wisdom to know it's me."

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2/2/09 7:22 P

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This brings my memories back to when I had just turned 16 and lost one of my dearest friends to CF. I hadn't seen her in about a month and I went to ask her mom at work (she worked at the mall) if I could call Judy and go shopping. Her mom's manager informed me right then and there that Judy had passed away 3 days before. I ran back out of the store to my mom and she talked to me about the same things you did with the girls. It helped me tremendously. Fortunately for me, I was able to make the funeral and say goodbye.

Hugs to you for talking to the girls and your son. They don't usally get counselors into the school that quickly unless they know before school starts. Even then, they don't ask "how are you doing?"


"Diet" is a four letter obscenity.

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ABWILDROSE SparkPoints: (0)
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2/2/09 6:40 P

Wow, I think I need a towel to dry my tears! What a hard thing to go through for anyone, let alone young kids. All I can say is that I hope I am half as good at being a Mom as you definitely are! Good luck on Saturday! My prayers are with you!


Edited by: ABWILDROSE at: 2/2/2009 (18:42)
TKDISTA's Photo TKDISTA Posts: 359
2/2/09 4:52 P

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My son is 16 and we just moved to Chicago in late August.
He is, of course, popular and active in school. He is taking senior level and college courses (except one that wasn't on his transcript LAST year - he took it a few years ago - and he had to take it over again... *sigh*). He helps out with the poetry club, GSA, jazz ensemble, band, etc.
He called me last week and asked if he could bring a group of kids home. I reminded him that I cannot fit that many people into my car and so bringing home so many people would mean we could not go to pick up his driver's permit. "Ok," he said. "See you in a bit, mom."
I thought that was pretty wierd. I mean... a PERMIT? hmmm... And off I wandered to my computer to finish with assigning people in my class to Buddy Teams...
My son introduced me to a couple of other girls and then I said hello to his girlfriend. They all piled into the living room and began choosing a movie to watch.
My son came into my office area to chat and then proceeded to tell me that he had brought this group of girls home because one of their friends had died that day.

Like omg. idk wat he wnts m 2 do wit dis...

I left them alone for a bit and then wandered in. "How are you guys doing?" I asked.

The little one, who's eyes were terribly puffie behind her glasses, said, "Oh, I'm fine. I think I've stopped crying."

Another one just sat there.

My son's gf just smiled a little.

"This isn't going to get easier anytime soon, you know."

I proceeded to tell them that different people would react differently to this and they might even see people reacting very strongly who had no real association with her. I explained that there is just something terrifying about someone your age dying. Especially when it was someone so active and beloved as their friend. I asked them to have patience and to just comfort anyone who wanted comfort not because they knew her, but because they need it.

We talked for a while. I told them how many people my car would hold (are you sensing a theme here?) and that I would gladly take them to the funeral when it was arranged. We offered to do a CD or DVD of pictures, after gathering them from friends, from the family to show at the funeral and would be willing to help with clean-up at the funeral home or reception if they needed or wanted it.

We all talked for a while and the girls seemed terribly happy to have someone who wouldn't bs them about it. I told them of my own bf who committed suicide when I was a freshman. I told them of my sister, dad, and others who have passed. I told them it was not like they are sleeping, but is exactly like they are dead in that casket. I told them it would hurt and that they would not forget this time... ever.

They finished the movie, the popcorn, soda, and other snacks and headed off into the world. Home to families that I hoped care enough to talk to them.

I needed to get ready to go out and slipped into the tub. When my older son came in, I was in the bath and slipped the shower curtain open just enough to be able to see him.

"How are YOU, son?"

"Awww... I'm fine, mom. You know I didn't really know her all that well. Some classes, some activities, but I only met her in like October or something."

"That's enough to make others react strongly. Are you concerned as to how your friends will act if you do not react strongly to her death?"

"No. I'll tell them that I have lost others. After losing your aunt, it's just different, I guess. I mean, I watched my little brother stand there next to her casket and hold her hand. THAT is aweful. This is just death. She was a nice girl and she will be missed by a lot of people. Maybe even me, but I am just sad for those people. She was young and I'm pretty sure she didn't want to get hit by a bus. But the jury is still out on that one."

She had been hit, apparently, by a CTA bus and refused treatment. She then collapsed at the train station on her way to school and died soon after.

I think he's going to be ok.

I think he knew I might help those girls and brought them home for that reason.

I hope I did. Before I left that night to go to my bf's frat's birthday meet 'n greet, I hugged him. I hugged him REALLY hard.

That kid and I have been through so much. Good tests, good grades, bad grades, good grades, Emo, music, gay/lesbian rights discussions, how and when to get STD testing, condom usage, WHY his body is not physiologically ready for drugs, what he wants to be when he grows up, and (most recently) the fact that he wants to graduate from high school a year early. I am so proud of him.

And I am shocked and happy that he trusts me enough to bring his friends home when they need someone to talk to.

The funeral is this Saturday.

I just wanted to share. Thanks for reading and *listening*.

Hug your teenager today.

‘Make no little plans. They have no magic to stir men’s blood and probably themselves will not be realized. Make big plans; aim high in hope and work, remembering that a noble, logical diagram once recorded will never die, but long after we are gone will be a living thing, asserting itself with ever-growing insistency. Remember that our sons and grandsons are going to do things that would stagger us.Let your watchword be order and your beacon beauty. Think big.’ Daniel Burnham

 current weight: 179.2 
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