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DEBTEVELDAHL's Photo DEBTEVELDAHL Posts: 15,272
12/30/17 8:30 A

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Have a HAPPY NEW YEAR emoticon and be safe ! We had a wonderful Christmas, but I am looking forward to out with the old and in with the new. I hope that you are all enjoying the end of the holiday season. It is a busy time with little time to think. I hope that your New Year will start off happy and bright. See you all Next Year !! Take care and God bless, Deb emoticon

Audrey, I hope that you recuperate from all that holiday fun soon. It is all a blur sometimes when you have small children in the household. I hope that you celebrate the New Year with family and friends. I once the kids get back to school, you can slow down some and enjoy the season.

Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson
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12/29/17 8:54 P

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Thank goodness the end of the year is here. Sorry for being fairly absent this month.My brain has taken a vacation and I can't focus enough to use the toilet, much less form a coherent sentence. For now, my stress is still high, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

Audrey
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12/24/17 5:09 A

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Frida11, I'm so sorry your brothers are doing that. for the longest time I let my family do that too, tell me how their way was better and my way was wrong. Best of luck to you

Merry Christmas Eve!!!

~ Karri
But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. ~Psalms 59-16


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12/23/17 6:16 A

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Merry Christmas !
Hello - I am going to be with almost my whole extended family - Those who live in Denmark.

I have decided to empty my icebox and take that food with me as my contribution.
Both my brothers accuse me of eating junk food.
They donīt understand that my medicine has lowered my metabolism and that it is very difficult to take off weight after the age of 40

They are both slim - and want to tell me how to live in the right way

Ugh



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SASSYCATMAMA40's Photo SASSYCATMAMA40 Posts: 399
12/22/17 10:01 A

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Happy Christmas! I'll be away from my computer for a bit, but things are (thankfully) slowing down at work. Going to start an exercise regimen--the hubby agreed to join, too--and the kids are coming for the last part of the year.

Diane--I like the idea of the white elephant gifts and leftover pot luck idea! My family does little gifts for each other, and then munchies for Christmas--so no one is stuck with a huge meal to prepare and a hunk of bills for the new year.

JP

DEBTEVELDAHL's Photo DEBTEVELDAHL Posts: 15,272
12/21/17 7:31 A

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Hello,

Julie, I hope that your therapy light helps do the trick. I Have SAD too and my therapy light has been my lifesaver. I am so sorry that you are not able to take medication, which would surely be a help. Diet and exercise sound as if they are your only available avenue. I hope that the therapy light works for you too. I agree with Karri, the holidays are tough. Mine are because my Dad took a bad fall in December, right before Christmas, three years ago this month. He died in the beginning of January, not long after the first of the year. So, the holidays come with a lot of emotional baggage for me. I often find my symptoms become exacerbated around holiday time. It is a huge factor in my ability to cope with the holiday season.

Karri, I am so sorry that you are having such trouble during your move to a new place. It is hard to be depressed all the time, when you have so many things to accomplish. It is amazing that you have gotten as much done as you have, with such a deep depression. The kids, the furniture, the holidays, the move in general are all stressers, plus Christmas on top of it all, which when taken together are massive. Getting in to see you pdoc is a wise decision. I hope that all goes well with that visit and that it is of great help. I also hope that you find your coping material soon.

Larissa, I take Abilify too and it hasn't had any bad side effects for me, but then I take Wellbutrin and that does not agree with you. I love the way that my depression got so much better after they added Abilify to my medication regimen. I noticed a difference within 36 hours of starting the med. It worked fast for me, thank goodness. I felt as if it were like night and day - the before and after. I love your Christmas decoration. It is so cute ! I made an appointment after Christmas with my counselor. It will be a new counselor, so I am anxious about it. My last therapist left about two weeks ago and now I have to start all over again with someone new. I intensely dislike that phase of getting to know a new therapist. You don't know them for awhile and it is hard for me to trust them.

We are already up to wrapping the presents. This is the first Christmas that I have gotten all my wrapping done and presents ready to go, before Christmas Eve. Normally I am up until the wee hours of Christmas morning finishing up. I can now help my daughter wrap up her presents from Santa Clause and get all of the household gift prep done. We are ready for Christmas pretty much early this year for us. I know that Micah will be tickled pink with all of his presents this year. He is getting pretty much what he asked for and Jeni did a great job with all his presents. He did have a great Santa Clause visit and he asked for what he wanted for the first time. So, that was worth the wait to see him comfortable with Santa this year and not screaming his head off. Micah is autistic and very high functioning. It does lend itself to some different behaviors that are not like everyone else, though. Most of the time Micah is a loving and caring child, but a bit spoiled I suspect. He is an only child, so he gets taken care of pretty well at birthdays and Christmas. I hope that those of you who are having trouble now will feel better soon. Once we all get to our pdocs, hopefully we will all have positive outcomes. Sending positive energy and hugs to all that need them. Take care and God bless, Deb emoticon



Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson
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12/21/17 2:06 A

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*hugs Julie* The year is almost over... Just stick with it and we can make it through together! I'm back eating carbs and feeling a bit sick to my stomach. I'm pretty resistant to medication too. I'm on the max dose of everything just to function minimally.

Karri, I'm glad you called your psych. I'm numb too, but I think it's my schizophrenia acting up. There's a great comic that I love to share with people:

hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co
m/2013/05
/depression-part-two.html


It's long, but I think that it really illustrates depression and how to cope. I find myself looking for my corn. Someday I will find it. Hopefully the furniture got there okay, kids are okay, you got some rest, and the psych can help you figure out what to do.

-------------------

I'm thinking about joining a schizoaffective group if there's an active one here on Spark... I know that some of what I'm going through is my schizophrenia now. I was reading a bunch on the negative symptoms of schizophrenia and it really is what I'm going through. No motivation, flat affect, days just pass and nothing happens... I'm just stuck in a rut. I want to do something with my life but I can't see my way out of this hole. I don't feel depressed at all. I don't feel anything at all. I'm not suicidal, I'm not crying. I wish I could cry! I try and force myself to just feel any emotion and I can't. I'm going to see my psych on Friday and talk to him about Abilify. I hope that getting off the Geodon helps. I don't like my psych, he doesn't listen. He wanted to put me on Seroquel again... Like I want to gain 50 pounds? Abilify works with my genes (I did the Gene Sight testing), it's a low weigh gain med, and it helps with the bipolar/schizophrenia too. So I'm going to talk to him about it. I was on it before, but I don't remember much about it.

I'm just numb. I want to be happy, I want to be sad, too. I just want to have feelings like a person. I feel like a shell. I feel fake. I don't even feel like doing anything bad because I don't have feelings. I would be really worried about myself if I could feel worried. I really need some help. Good thing I just have to wait about 36 hours. I will be fine... I'm not a danger by any means. If I was, I know all too well to check myself in before I do anything stupid. I don't even want to do something small like cut because I don't even think that would do anything.


Anyways, it's almost Christmas for those who celebrate. I'm cooking for my family. Next year I'm going to start a tradition- Diane's Christmas Leftover Extravaganza. People bring their leftovers and we do a White Elephant gift exchange. I don't have the energy or time to plan it this year, but it's something that I want to start doing next year! Here's my favorite ornament, something that was made for me and all my cousins when I was a baby.


Edited by: LARISSA238 at: 12/21/2017 (02:08)
~Rissa, AKA Diane

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12/19/17 1:08 P

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LARISSA238 I took your advice, messaged my psych doc and am going to see him tomorrow. He wanted me to come in right away, but I needed to be home today for a furniture delivery.

having a hard time staying awake today. Visited with a friend and found myself in that awkward state where my feelings are numb and I don't know what face to make for what emotion. I told her I was really depressed and she totally understood. I'm lucky to have such a good friend. Furniture is being delivered sometime in the next few hours so I have to be awake for that and I'm taking care of the kids. Can't go hide in my room or curl up on my bean bag to sleep.

Still can't find my coping skill stuff. Not that I have much energy to be looking. I think I know where the coloring stuff is and may get it out in a few and see if that calms me down, I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack.

SASSYCATMAMA40 I agree, the holidays are always tough, but another year, another chance to start over, we can do this!

~ Karri
But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. ~Psalms 59-16


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12/19/17 12:40 P

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I'm headed down the SAD/depression road. Craving starches/sweets, wanting to hibernate, not wanting to get out of bed, no motivation, on the whole 'walking through pudding'. I got my light out for light therapy, and have told E and my mom to watch for me. E doesn't quite understand, but...it is what it is. I've only lost a couple days of work--still getting out of bed for the most part. But I'm not getting done what I usually do. I'm resistant to anti-depressants, so that's out. The holidays are always tough.

Just checking in. I've gained my weight back that I lost. Sigh. Here comes another year, though, right?

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12/16/17 8:31 P

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Deb, I hope that Micah can have some more good Santa memories!

Karri, I hope you find your stuff soon! I know that I packed my paints somewhere, and I got this cute Christmas ornament to paint for the tree this year but I don't know where my paint is. And I moved in April lol. I think you should message your psych. If it's nothing, what's the worst that can happen? He will just say to talk to him on your next appointment. Better safe than sorry!

Yahubam, I don't do very well without meds. The last time I tried it I was in the hospital within a couple of days, and I wasn't even fully off them yet (I tried tapering off of them with my doctor's advice). I want to be off them eventually, but I function okay on the meds I'm on now, so I don't mess with them.

-----------------

Doing okay today. It's getting "cold" - here that means in the 60's right now. It's not that cold, and there's been no rain. Luckily the fires are far from me, so I'm not worried. My aunt was kinda close to the Ventura fire (I live in Los Angeles) but she's been safe. Right now my main concern is my knee. It's been acting up and I don't know why. The only think I can think of is my bed making it at a funny angle, but I don't even know if that is a thing. I have a heating pad on it right now.

I'm supposed to go see the new Star Wars movie tomorrow! I saw Coco the other day, too. I have Movie Pass, so movies are "free" for me. I pay $9.95 a month and I can see 1 movie a day, as many movies per month as I want (so up to 31 movies this month). I think it's pretty cool, considering Coco cost $17 so I already got my money's worth. I just like going to the movies.

Emotionally I'm still numb. I see my psych on Friday, and if I can see a better one, I want to. I don't like him. I want off the Latuda. I think it's making me numb and killing my metabolism. That, or another medication is preventing me from losing more weight. I want to be in Onederland by my birthday (Feb 3rd) and I'm at 212.6 today. I know with some hard work I can do it, but I need to get some kick start going! I think it's the medication. I don't know what I can do... I've been on every med in existence that I can be on, so I'm really not sure. But I want to try something else. I need to talk to him about it if he's willing to listen.

~Rissa, AKA Diane

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12/16/17 7:25 A

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YAHUBAM, a few years ago I managed to stay off of meds for a year. I exercised daily and really watched what I ate, lots of veggie and lean proteins. I suddenly hit a depression that was really bad, DH and I are convinced that if i had managed to keep up the exercise and continued to watch what I ate, I would have been able to stay off meds. But it is so hard to exercise when you can barely get yourself out of bed. And don't forget coping skills! I colored some every day.

I'm in a depression right now. I'm trying hard not to be. We just moved and all of my stuff for my coping skill are packed away and I can't find them. I didn't unload the truck, so I couldn't look at the boxes and tell people what goes where, though I am very thankful for the people who came out and helped us. DH wants me to message my psychiatrist, I don't know. I've got a really good p-doc now, thank goodness. But I just don't know if this is something I should message him about?



~ Karri
But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. ~Psalms 59-16


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DEBTEVELDAHL's Photo DEBTEVELDAHL Posts: 15,272
12/15/17 7:47 A

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Good morning all,

I hope that everyone is faring well through the Christmas maze of parties, gifts and food. I am getting ready to try to entertain my grandson, Micah, because today is the last day of school before the Holiday break. We will have to bake Christmas cookies one day next week and I will have to think up some other activities to do, as well. Idle hands, you know. Micah's Santa visit is this weekend and we hope that he will enjoy Santa this year. He hated him last year and wouldn't sit for a picture, or anything. This year he is really looking forward to Christmas though. We've told him that he has to ask Santa for what he wants this year. We are hoping that a Christmas list will make Santa more attractive to Micah this year. We'll see. I hope that you all have a great holiday season, although it looks as if SAD is raising its ugly head. Sending positive energy and HUGS to all that need them !! Take care and God bless !! Deb

Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson
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YAHUBAM's Photo YAHUBAM Posts: 1,076
12/13/17 4:31 P

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Anyone manage without meds?

I am ok for now but want to see if anyone has been off for a while and what they have done to manage.



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12/12/17 10:36 A

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Julie, I'm definitely there with you on the SAD. I'm just trying to push through it the best I can. If I don't keep moving I'm afraid I'd fall apart. If I can make it to Christmas I'll be happy. I don't have the time to fall apart until then.

Audrey
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12/11/17 10:12 P

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I keep forgetting to call my psych's office.. they called me last week saying that they changed my appointment time to 11:45 instead of 2. My meds are pretty stable. I saw my general doctor today and he was happy with my weight loss- 10 pounds in 3 months! I'm doing the best I can. I think the Latuda is killing my metabolism, so I'm losing weight slower than I would if I was doing Keto (my diet) without it.

I don't have SAD as far as I know.... It's sunny and hot here today. I'm in shorts and a tee shirt. I can go outside if I want. How do you guys deal with SAD? I know people use light boxes, but what else can you do? I'm just curious.

~Rissa, AKA Diane

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12/11/17 5:17 P

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Sounds like I'm not the only one having emotional changes this time of year.

Heather--I've been down your road. I ended up getting a hysterectomy (in two parts...and without the oophrectomy) when I was about 35. I had several problems, too....it was a big decision, but the right one.

Two years ago I was in a huge mania; one year ago I was in a huge depression (partially SAD, partially due to the mania, partially situational all rolled into one). Today, I'm just starting to head into depression because of the short cold days. My field work is pretty much done, and it's desk work until spring pretty much. I'm on a high dose of buproprion now, and have difficult genetic make-up (a good move to get the test!). So I'm considering going to a psychiatrist instead of my regular doc. Want to start going to my counselor again.

jp

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12/11/17 10:01 A

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Oh... Going back off the lamictal right now. I was only on it for 3 weeks but forwhatever reason this time around it was giving me awful insomnia. Hopefully I'll stay stable. If I start cycling again I'll have to really workwith my psychiatrist to find a new treatment plan.

Audrey
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12/11/17 9:58 A

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Diane - I'm happy you went to the range! I know it really soothes my soul too. Earlier this year an indoor range opened about 3 miles from our house and we got a membership to it and it's been great. Rob gets to go a lot more often than I do since we have to find a babysitter when I go, but it's a lot easier to get a sitter to just be a couple miles away instead of a half hour drive and our of cell range. Last time we went, I accidentally hit the ceiling with Rob's AR though. I do much better with the hand guns or my 7mm hunting rifle.

I am sorry to hear about Angela. I'll keep her in my prayers.

Audrey
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12/10/17 11:38 P

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Deb, I hope things go well for you at Christmas! I don't have kids, so I don't know what it's like to have someone ask for so many things. I'm just struggling to figure out what to get for people I know! I have no idea what to get guys... I just get girls stuff from Bath and Body Works.

Heather, it sounds like you are going through a lot. I haven't been hypersexual in long time... when I get that way I lock myself in my room and don't let myself out. I wouldn't feel that way towards my ex, I would want to get with some random person instead. I'm very happy that you were safe! As for the hysterectomy, if it's something you think you need and you've tried everything else, then I don't see a problem with it. I used to be on the Depo-Provera shot for birth control because my hormones would make my moods out of control. I ran into some crazy health insurance road blocks and haven't had any birth control in a year (it's a 3 month shot) but I'm doing okay, and no period so far. I did go through a sort of peri-menopause when I first got off of it, and it wasn't fun. But if it's what you think is best for your body, it's something common in your family, you have weighed the pros and cons for it, and you have a good medical reason for it, then I think it's your body- your choice! I'm not going to tell a grown woman that she can't have a reasonable medical procedure.

------------

Angela is doing good... You would never know she has cancer. She's being a crazy cat right now, just running around the house chasing who knows what, fast, turning corners like only a cat can. I'm still worried about her, but after today I feel better. Somehow getting out there made me feel better. Yeah, I was shooting some guns, but I was fine. I was out of cell phone range and in the mountains. It was peaceful, believe it or not. I was raised around guns, and I actually shot a .357 that I started shooting when I was about 7 (okay, I was shooting primers out of them at that age, but still). My SIL fell asleep while we were up there! Guns just don't bother us. I actually feel more at peace now with the whole thing. I have most of the money I'm going to need to cover the surgery, so that's taken care of. There's an 85% chance it's benign, so I'm not too worried about that. She is going to be fine. I don't know why going out to the range helps me so much, but the last time I went out there I felt really good too. The only problem is my shoulder hurts! I guess if that's the only thing I have to complain about, I will take it!

~Rissa, AKA Diane

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12/10/17 9:16 P

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Long time no type. I spent just shy of two months high on a not-quite-full-blown mania. Hypomanic with an edge. This time I went hypersexual, which hasn't happened in many, many years. Got involved in a couple of problems, but luckily with people who were safe. I am still undoing what I did. Have yet to tell my good friend the reason I was quite so forward (which he happily accepted). Now I am back to my normal antipathy for sex/actual not liking anything to do with it and I have to explain the situation. And I feel guilty. I can't do what I don't have any feeling for, so I feel like I was leading them on. I just...I feel so darn guilty.

And I dropped out from mania straight into a short depression before leveling out again. It took me several weeks to figure out what happened. I had to look back at my bank statement as well as my actions to even notice the real reason for my situation now.

Saw my psych doc last week. She is concerned about the mania, but is not upping the meds right now. On the other hand, we have been noticing that my cycle really swings me for a loop every time, and now I am irregular and have fibroids to top it all off. What we are looking at for a possible fix is a hysterectomy. Now hear me out. Every woman on my mom's side of the family has had to have one due to fibroids sometime between age 35-45. And my hormones are killing me--maybe really depending on what happens. So I am trying to get into a gynecologist, but can't see one till late February--finalizing dates tomorrow. I am both scared and relieved at the same time.

So now I am shutting out the world again and hermitting in my house for half the week and the other half up at my parents' house. Wish me luck with dealing with the guys. I can use every bit I can get.
--Heather



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12/10/17 7:00 A

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Larissa, I hope that Angela comes through everything with flying colors and you too. It is hard when a beloved family member is ill. Your cat is just as important to you as a best friend and buddy. She is your best friend and buddy. It seems wise getting everything done at once and not putting Angela through anymore, once this gets cleared up. Sending healing prayers your way.

Gatormitzy, I had to stop taking Topomax for my migraines, because it messed me up on so many levels. I knew after I had been on it for a couple of months that it was not a good medication for me either. I took myself off of it and have no regrets. I am not shaking like a tree in the wind any more and my thinking is clearer. The negative affects of that little excursion are finally going away and I wasn't on the drug for more than a couple of months.
Sorry to hear that you are maxed out on Latuda. I hope that you can find a regimen that works for you soon. There is nothing worse than having them mess with your meds all the time- especially at this time of the year, too!

Frida11, I have no doubt that you were misdiagnosed in the 60's, 70's or 80's. Everything was being blamed on bipolar during those time frames and it was a popular diagnosis if you were a little hyper or depressed. It covered all the bases with mania and depression. I bet that lots of people were misdiagnosed during that time frame. I am so sorry to hear that you were misdiagnosed and that you've had to take so many medications for nothing. It must be frustrating information to have at this late date. Sending you positive energy and hugs !

Well, Christmas is shaping up at my house. The tree's been up for a couple of weeks and the house is all decorated for the holiday. We are waiting patiently for the big day to arrive. Micah's "Want list" is expanding every day and soon there will not be a Thomas toy or a Transformer toy that he has not asked for. We keep telling him that he has to ask Santa, but I don't know if he will this year. Last year, he didn't like Santa. He didn't trust him to sit in his lap or take a picture. We hope that being another year older, autistic or not, will bring Santa acceptance and he will be able to enjoy Santa Claus with all the rest of the kids. I have some Christmas shopping yet to do and I hope to be able to get our there this next week and do the rest of it. I hope that your holiday season is shaping up to be a happy, safe and blessed one. My SAD can be a problem at Christmas time. I have a therapy light that gets me through the gray days of winter though. I am cutting medications that aren't working for the purpose that they were prescribed. So far, I have cut the Mirtazipine, Topomax and Gabapentin out of my regimen. They were prescribed for sleep/anxiety and they don't work. I am just as awake with them as I am without them, so I have dropped these meds. Each of them can be problematic and I don't need any more complications to deal with. I am surviving just fine on my Wellbutrin and Abilify for my bipolar and Trazodone (I am cutting the dosage to get ready to quit) for sleep. I see no reason to take medication that can cause more problems than it solves. Have a relaxing and peaceful Christmas season with family and friends. Take care and God bless, Deb emoticon emoticon to all of you !!



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12/9/17 6:41 A
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LARISSA238, Sorry to hear about your kitty being so sick. Prayers for healing.

If nothing ever changed there'd be no butterflies.
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I don't do this, like ever, but prayers please. Angela, my dear kitty, has a mast cell tumor in her elbow. I knew that there was something wrong with her about 10 months ago, but the vets I took her to said it was okay. I had to take her to 3 vets before they finally got the right diagnosis- cancer. I'm worried sick. Her surgery date is January 23rd. I'm worried about her so much! I know she's going to be fine, but I'm still worried. She doesn't want to take her steroids or her Benadryl, she's just being a pain. I don't know how I'm going to get though this.

I'm really thinking about still going to the gun range with my brother on Sunday... I'm not suicidal by any means (I have to live for her!!) and I just want to escape from her for a bit. I want to get away from everything again. I know it's weird, but I just want to shoot some targets (never of people, just circles and paper plates) and pretend everything's okay. The last time I went to the range was during Hurricane Irma (in Miami while I was in LA) and I didn't want to hear a thing about the damn hurricane. The last thing I wanted was to be reminded of my stupid ex in Miami, my apartment in Miami that could have been drowned in the hurricane, all of that.

Now Angela has cancer and I just want to get away from it for a bit. It's been on my mind nonstop since I heard about it. I don't know if it's a good idea for me to be around guns, but I'm really not suicidal. I really need to live to take care of my kitty. It's going to be expensive to get the surgery done, but Richard has been a blessing and said he is going to help me out and give me some money to offset the cost. She also needs some teeth stuff done at the same time. I don't want her to have to go under anesthesia again for her teeth to get cleaned, so I'm just getting it all done at once. I have a credit card for a reason. Angela is my priority.

~Rissa, AKA Diane

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Hello everyone. The last time I checked in here I had said my psych doc sent me for blood work to check my sugar. She ended up calling me to tell me my potassium was low and that I should go see my primary care doctor. I called to make that appointment but they couldn't get me in until the 22nd. I checked my numbers and saw that I was very low so it really concerned me. It dawned on me that I could send my primary doctor a message so I did that. That was on a Friday late afternoon. He called me Sunday evening to tell me my potassium was so low he couldn't help me in his clinic and that I would need to go to the ER to get an IV and an EKG. The ER did another blood test and it showed my number came up enough that that didn't want to do an IV. They said the Topomax caused the problem and that I should stop taking it. Meanwhile, my psych doctor UPPED my Latuda AGAIN. I am still battling with depression. I am now at the MAX dose for people with Bipolar. I'm not a happy camper.

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I am sort in a shock..
My psychoanalyst showed point for point that I should not have gotten the diagnose a bi-polar when I was 17 as my behavior was a typical reaction to the fact that my uncle treated me sexual when I was i Little girl.
I stopped taking Lithium april 2016. This Means I feel my emotion clearer and am more Sharp.
I know I shall focus on the present and some time forward..
But being diagnosed has caused so much agony - my son was taken away from me - I have been thrown out of my education. I have gotten disability Money.
There is so much I would like to do - being free - But I am tired and it is sort of difficult having the thought - I could have had a better life.. I know some people have had a terrible life and I know - Well
Hope to see possibilities in the future
Would wish my son would see me..
People say blood is thicker than foster relationships - But I donīt dare think of something - hope for something
Well I am Lucky in many ways - hope to be in a better mood tomorrow.
To balance this I will give you a Picture from one of my tours nearby - my Brother says I shall take a walk - every day.. He always would like to change me
I would like to be appreciated for what I do - I also bicycle and now I have got something for in my shoes so it does not have to hurt when I walk..
Excuse me - I just let go of some thoughts


Edited by: FRIDA11 at: 12/5/2017 (18:11)

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12/4/17 12:07 A

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I love baking, she loves my baking... it's more of that I did it randomly instead of for a reason that I think got her insecure. I know that when someone gets close to me, I get scared that they are going to see my bad side, get scared, and run away... so instead I push them away. Her and I are enough alike that I think that's what happened. I'm just going to give her some space until she can learn how to be my friend again.

~Rissa, AKA Diane

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12/3/17 11:15 P

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On a technicality, we are 21 years, 364 days, 11 hours and 59 minutes apart. It is neat, although she has forever said that when I was born it ceased being her birthday. This is the first year she's really reclaiming it. She and my step-dad and brothers are all going to see the new Star Wars movie.

Sorry to hear about the lost friendship. It sounds like she probably has quite a few of her own issues. For me personally I find most people are overjoyed when I bake for them. It's a friendly gesture, not pity.

Audrey
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Audrey, I hope your days are better now! I've had some bad ones lately too, and I don't know why. I don't know if I will remember, but if I don't, then Happy Early Birthday! You and your mom were born on the same day? I think that's pretty cool.

Deb, I shopped Black Friday / Cyber Monday sales from home lol. I got my main Christmas shopping done already. Angela's toys weren't delivered right... There was some mix-up with Petco delivery. She's supposed to get one toy right now, and then another 2 on Christmas. My brother/SIL are getting an Echo Dot ($27), my stepdad is getting a new pair of jeans, my sister is getting some of her clothes back and a mani/pedi and I don't know what to get her husband and my cousins. The easy things are done at least! I don't know if I've seen any of the Transformers movies after the first one... I couldn't even tell you a thing about them! I'm a bad 80's kid lol.

---------------

I'm just trying to hang in there. I need to start jounaling again... I've really been isolating and I don't even know what I've been doing with my time. I just get out of bed, spend about an hour having my coffee, then waste my days away. Then again, I've been going to doctors, my CoDA groups and all of that. But Thanksgiving Week I was feeling like crap because I was off my diet and my stomach was really hurting because of it, so I stayed home from 2 meetings and didn't do crap.

I'm doing Christmas this year, and I'm excited! I just hope that my sister doesn't try and invite me over her house... There's this whole HUGE family drama between my sister and my stepdad. I live with my stepdad, and she hates his guts. There's not a word strong enough for how she feels. Not to the point of murder, but still beyond hate. So I'm having Christmas over my house, and of course she's not invited. She won't come within a mile of my house (yes, we've tried this). My brother, SIL, and aunt might come. I was thinking of inviting some friends, but I don't know if I have enough room at my table for everyone. My house is kinda small. And there's stuff everywhere. Richard and I are going to work on some of the stuff, and try and uncover the dining room table this week.

*sigh* I feel like I lost a friend. Well, I kinda did. I had this friend, and we would talk for hours every day. Now I haven't talked to her for a while because she got all uppity that I sent her banana bread (that's the only thing I did that I can think of) and since I did something nice, she got all defensive and started thinking that I talked to her out of pity. We had a chat conversation because I wasn't feeling well and just wanted to chat on the computer, and she used the word "bother" I think 9 times in that one short conversation (like "I bother you, I'm such a bother, why do you want to talk to me when I'm such a bother" and so on) and then I replied back at least 14 times (I stopped counting) with "not a bother" and she still didn't get it. Now she's "behaving" which means she's acting like she doesn't care about me. I don't know how that works.

I got some legal advice on how to deal with my ex, and so I might not have to pay ANY of the $1,564 bill that the old apartment complex sent him. The legal aide said that they most likely won't go after someone on SSDI in LA when it's in Miami and they probably won't be able to get any money out of me. And with the letter I sent the apartment complex released me of any of the damages that he did to the apartment after I left. I'm pretty excited about all of this, and I've been sharing about it everywhere. It's big news.

Back to my "friend." I tell her this, and she's like "Okay. Did I tell you that I've been watching my cousin?" Like I told her the sky was blue today. Like it didn't matter. It really hurt and I felt like she didn't care. I tried to talk to her about it later, and I told her some other big news, and she did the same thing TWICE!! I just don't know if I can keep up this friendship. It's taxing! I want my old friend back, the one before I randomly sent her a loaf of banana bread to her place in Tennessee. She needs a lot of help but doesn't see it. *sigh*

Enough of that drama. It's just been on my mind a lot lately. I have enough friends now that I don't need to hold on to people who don't want to be there for me. I'm a different person now, I'm not desperate for a friend like I used to be. I'm also in CoDA, which is helping me see that I'm deserving of an equal friendship, not a one-way one like most of my other ones used to be. So I think I just need to "let go and let God" (I'm an atheist in a 12-Step, my Higher Power (aka God) is Love). If she wants to be my friend, she will come to me and let that be it!

~Rissa, AKA Diane

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12/2/17 1:21 P

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My birthday is the 17th. #33 this year for me, #55 for my mom.

Audrey
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12/2/17 6:41 A

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Hi everyone,

Things are winding down for the 5% Challenges right now. We are on our break as of today, that is a plus. This now gives me an opportunity to prepare for Christmas. I catch a break with Micah still in school, so all of my Christmas obligations have to be finished by the time that he gets out of school for Christmas vacation. I have been waiting with baited breath for this season all year. While often, I can become depressed this time of year I am in good space this year, so far. Last night we watched 3 of the Transformers a couple of times. The marathon began at 3:30 pm Friday afternoon. Micah's newest obsession is with the Transformers, so he will be getting a lot of transforming Transformer toys for Christmas. It might end up being his birthday theme too. Audrey, I am so sorry that one of you little ones is ill. What day is your birthday?I only have one birthday in December - my oldest sister, on Pearl Harbor Day, will turn 73 this year. We have the tree up already and some of the shopping was done earlier in November. My daughter is a devoted Black Friday shopper, so we got some deals then and now for the clean up during the next couple of weeks. I have birthdays directly after Christmas in January that I have to buy for, as well. I hope that you are all having a merry holiday season. Take care and God bless, Deb emoticon

Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson
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12/1/17 10:06 P

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So... The countdowns have begun. 12 days till Xena turns 7. 16 days till me and my mom celebrate another birthday as well. 24 days till Christmas. 30 days to new year's.

I'm still not adjusted to my lamictal. I flipped out on a lady today in the bank parking lot because she asks me to move my car. To be fair, she was rude about it. Isis ended my evening by puking in the van... And then on the couch when we got home. I'm just not having a great day.

Audrey
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Winter 5% Challenge Plan
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Only eat when hungry.
Drink that water!!!

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12/1/17 10:01 P

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Can you believe it's December already!?

Audrey
NEPA - EST

My 5% goal

Current Weight 219
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By When: March 3, 2018


Winter 5% Challenge Plan
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Full Body strength training 3x a week
Only eat when hungry.
Drink that water!!!

EL for Winter 2018 5% Challenge Weight Warriors

Co-Leader of Living with Bipolar Disorder
Join Us!
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