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7/31/17 2:30 P

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Heather, you are doing great! I need to get back to the gym... I should actually go today if I have some time! I haven't been in a couple of weeks, so I think it's time to go!

---

I'm doing good... I just got home yesterday from camping with my family. It was a family reunion kinda thing. There were over 20 people there! It was so fun! I got to go on a jet ski on Friday, then I got on a raft being pulled behind a boat on Saturday! I got up to over 45 miles per hour on the jet ski, and I don't know how fast I was going behind that boat but it was fun! I did get a bit drunk and high (pot is legal here) unintentionally... I had a beer and then a screwdriver (I will never know how much vodka they put in it), along with some "special" chocolate on an empty stomach... It wasn't too much fun. I don't like being out of control, and I could barely walk to my tent. I just stayed in my tent for the rest of the night and just listened to everyone else have fun. I wasn't the only one! My uncle got so drunk on Thursday night he had to be carried to bed! At least I wasn't that far gone lol. I ate so much food! We ate good, too! Carne asada and chicken the first night, then bacon wrapped hot dogs, then kabobs the next... so much good food! I don't want to get on the scale to see the number. I got to see a lot of family I haven't seen in a long time and it was awesome! I even met a woman who I found "online"- I saw her name in a group on Facebook and recognized her last name, so I looked her up and saw she was friends with a bunch of my family, so I added her. I found out that she was my cousin's wife. I got to meet her in person, which was cool, and see my cousin who has been in Turkey with the Air Force for 6 months. I just had a really fun time!

~Rissa, AKA Diane


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HMKITTEN's Photo HMKITTEN Posts: 458
7/27/17 11:43 P

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Anxiety sucks big time. I am the last to know when I have an incoming attack. The dog is the first indicator I have. One thing that helps (besides my pills) is to bury myself, or at least my shoulders in a heavy blanket. Not really portable but it helps a lot. I actually have a weighted blanket that should be getting to me mid-August that I backed on Kickstarter.

As to other news life is...interesting. Still no job, despite a few more applications. I may wait until after I go to South Dakota with my dad before I apply to any more...but that is two months away. Finances are still where I can do that safely, but I don't want to push it.

Mentally doing okay, though the anxiety monster is the real battle. The depression and mania have calmed for now so I am happy. Moved my lamictal to three times a day from two and switched to an extended release lithium for one dose overnight. Seems to be mostly working and I am just having to either pre-medicate in situations where I know I will have troubles or be on the lookout for signs of incoming problems. My go tos on the non med side are loud music, deep breathing, or diving under blankets in a dark room--with or without the music.

One good thing is that I have started doing weight training (calisthenics and resistance bands) and have been feeling pretty darn sore, but in a good way. Not the oh-dear-Lord-I-pulled-a-muscle way. Good thing to get on the wagon again since over the past three months I gained back ten of the pounds I lost! So now I have swimming three times a week, strength training two to three with adding in small exercises whenever I have free time (like squats while waiting for my tea to brew). Thursdays I work at the food pantry and today was mostly constant moving and lots of heavy carrying (heavy for me) so I am extra sore today. Tomorrow will be interesting and I foresee ibuprofen in my future.

Aaaaand I am tired and wordy so it is probably a good thing for me to hop off of here and find a bed. G'night everyone!

--Heather



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7/23/17 2:14 A

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Jenny: What do you do when you get anxiety? Do you know what the trigger is? I know that I just learned I have anxiety still! I know it seems funny, but I was repressing it so much that I didn't even know I had it, I would just get overwhelmed and then want to die. I had an anxiety attack in the hospital, but it helped me learn that when I feel suicidal a lot of the time it's anxiety. Now that I know, I can get help for it and figure out what to do when I get anxious. I know things like breathing deep can help, but it's really hard for me to figure out when I need to do it lol! If there's something that helps you, please let me know! I'm looking for something, just not a benzo (like Klonopin or Ativan) because I've been tolerant to those and they stop working really fast. Thanks!

~Rissa, AKA Diane


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7/22/17 9:48 P

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So glad you are out of the hospital and have all those coping skills to work with.
Me I've been having terrible anxiety at night. When I go to lay down in bed I get all worked up and I feeel like I can't sleep. I feel like I can't breathe

Jenny
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"When I watch the heavens in the silence of the night, as if the stars, in the profound silence of space, were listening to the eternal music of the Divine." Sri Ananda Acharaya


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7/21/17 12:10 A

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I learned a lot in the hospital. I'm much stronger now than I was before, and I'm really glad I went. I was without contact with everyone for a week, and I needed the time away. One thing that I learned that really resonated with me was the idea of everything being totally horrible. This guy was talking about yin/yang and how in every situation there is some good and some bad. He said that just as no situation is perfectly good, that there is no situation perfectly bad. If you are perfectly bad, then that's just as illogical as saying everything is perfectly good. I don't know if I'm explaining it right, but that's the main part. That, and a lot of coping skills. I got a list of 84 different coping skills to deal with things as they happen. They were saying that things like listening to music or reading are good coping skills to have, but if someone's in your face, yelling at you, are you going to pick up a book and start reading? Or put on your headphones and start listening to music? No! So I chose things like "Practice Delay"- just wait a couple of seconds before you react and say/do something dumb, and "Set a boundary" (something hard for me) and say no when someone doesn't respect your boundaries. He said not to focus on all 84, just choose a couple that resonate with you, so that's what I'm doing. If I can, I might scan in the list and post it here... It's really helpful. Some are dumb to me (like "Replace destructive behaviors- eat candy instead of getting high) but most are good. I mean, replacing destructive behaviors is a good thing to do, but not eat candy instead of getting high.

Overall, it was a really good experience. With the whole boundary thing, I'm going to quit DBSA. I'm quitting the board, and the whole group in general. I'm putting off writing my resignation, but it's a boundary I need to set for myself. I was doing too much at once, so I need to cut something out. I *need* CoDA, so that's staying. I"m not going to look for a job anymore, and I'm not going to go to DBSA. I need to focus on myself, and going to the partial program is pretty much all I can do.

I know I'm doing a lot better because I'm dealing with stress amazingly well. I got my phone back when I was released (still physically there, just waiting for my transportation home), and I see I have no money in my bank. My psych's office charged my debit card and took all my money because my insurance didn't pay for it. I call the office and find out I can't see my therapist on Saturday for my post-hospital follow-up. I go home, and spend hours on the phone between insurance companies and my doctor's office just trying to get stuff figured out. I can't do anything about the money, it's gone. I owe the doctor about a grand now (but I cancelled my debit card so they can't charge it- so screw them! I will pay them, but on MY terms), I get ditched (kinda) by my old best friend who was in town, then my garden died. I was on the phone with Carol (KawaiiCarolAnn) for over an hour, and she helps me realize that my stepdad had different priorities than I do, and that he didn't kill my garden to get back at me for going IP. I wake up today at 7:15 am to go to the partial program, call them and leave a message. I fell back asleep and they didn't call me to come get me, so I missed it. Then I find out that Chester from Linkin Park killed himself, and that is one of my all time favorite bands. His music got me through some of the darkest times in my life, so it hit me hard. So I'm dealing with a lot, but I'm also dealing with it well. I don't feel suicidal, I just feel sad. It's normal to feel sad when all this happens. But, I did what I needed to do with the doctor, my garden can come back, and Chester's music will still be here (since I found out, I haven't listened to anything but Linkin Park today). I don't want my family to feel the same loss that his is feeling now.

Sorry for the two long posts, but it's been a busy week!

~Rissa, AKA Diane


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LARISSA238's Photo LARISSA238 SparkPoints: (82,940)
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7/20/17 11:53 P

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I got out of the hospital yesterday.

TRIGGER WARNING!


I didn't want to say this on some of the other boards I'm on, but something really traumatic happened. My roommate tried to kill herself. This was after rounds, my other roommate was asleep and I was off meds (I hadn't seen the doctor yet and they don't give you your meds until you do) and my roommate had just come back from the regular hospital. She had taken a plastic patient belongings bag from there and snuck it in. I'm hallucinating with my body turned away from her, and I hear the bag move. I thought it was a wrapper at first. I turn over to see her put the bag over her head and pull the strings to close it. I'm really out of it, but I get out of bed and start yelling for the nurses to come. I have my hand on the top of the bag, trying to get it off her head and the nurses still aren't coming. I scream "She has a bag on her head" and "NURSE" over and over for about a minute (or that's how long it felt) until the nurses finally come. I wasn't able to get the bag off, but they did. I freak out, of course, and she has to get a shot. Her mouth was open like she was trying to scream from a bad medication reaction (which is why she was sent to the regular hospital in the first place). I'm still a bit traumatized by it, but I'm just typing this out to get it out. I know I was sent to the hospital to not only save my life, but hers. I talked to her after she did it, and she was saying that she was psychotic and that the voices were telling her that her family was all dead and it was time for her to join them. It was just really hard to deal with. One of the nurses came to me afterwards and was talking to me for a bit until the girl had another bad medication reaction and the nurse had to go. I felt ignored, like I didn't even matter. Everyone was calling me things like "hero" but I just did what anyone would have done in the same situation. I was just in the right place at the right time. I don't feel like I'm anything special for it. I'm just trying to process it all.. I didn't really get to in the hospital since I was just trying to deal with the reasons I was there. I was waiting for the third shoe to fall, and this was it. At least I hope it's it. I don't think I can deal with much more. Well, I know I can.. I'm a lot stronger now than I was a week ago when I went in. Okay, enough for this trigger warning post, and I'm going to make another about what I learned and what I'm going to do.

~Rissa, AKA Diane


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HMKITTEN's Photo HMKITTEN Posts: 458
7/15/17 7:04 P

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Heya everyone,
I am finally home after spending almost a month away. First there was a regularly scheduled trip, then I passed out while out and about (luckily no repeats there), then a quick vacation to South Dakota, then my brother and his family was in town. Just now back home and getting things back up and running after a trip to the blood bank to donate this morning. Luckily I have a neighbor who takes care of the yard for me. The only thing I really need to do right now...well...tomorrow, is to cut the hedges back before they are too thick to use the trimmer!

Had a good time up in SD and did a little fishing over the 4th of July weekend. Way too many tourists (I don't count anymore as I have spent too much time visiting family up there) and people driving trailers that are not used to them. Came back to my parent's place just in time for my brother to get in with his wife and two kids (7 and 5). The anxiety hits like a brick around kids, especially screaming kids like my brother's.

I made a day trip a week ago to my house to check on things and found that one tree of peaches was ready to pick! Perfect timing. I just finished up processing and canning white peach jam and peach pie jam yesterday. I love putting up produce, especially when it is from homegrown fruit, but boy does it take a lot of energy!

Haven't been feeling as flat as I was, which is good. Also seem more stable in general since switching the Lamictal from twice to three times daily. Still have major bouts with anxiety though, and have to remember to pre-medicate in situations where I am likely to have troubles.

And I am rambling. Short: doing okay, not great, but better than it has been in a while.

And oh joy. It is hailing outside. Hopefully not enough to kill the last crop of peaches.
--Heather



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7/15/17 4:35 P

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Hi Carolann I hope you find a therapist that is a better fit for you. I have 2 therapists at the moment. One is a man in his 70s who I have only been seeing for a few months. He believes that if I work on meditating and doing breathing exercises I can regulate my mood to the point where I no longer have to take medication. I started talking to my other therapist over a year ago, I contracted her services through talkspace.com She is my ideal therapist as I feel like I get more out of the suggestions she makes than I have from any form of therapy in the past. My mother in law even said she could see a remarkable difference in me after I had been with that therapist for a few months. The only drawback I see with the online therapy is that it is not covered by insurance. I pay $49 for maintenance therapy which means I receive responses from my therapist about once a week.

Personally, I feel unprepared for coming off of medication. The last thing I need is to have another episode and I am feeling pretty stable on what I am taking now. My only complaint is that I am always tired and I sleep a lot.

Jenny
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"When I watch the heavens in the silence of the night, as if the stars, in the profound silence of space, were listening to the eternal music of the Divine." Sri Ananda Acharaya


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7/14/17 7:21 P

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Awesome!!!

Carol - Houston, TX (it's weird to see this and not Kaua'i, Hawaii)

Ketones make everything better.
Better sleep. Better mornings. Better energy.
Better fat loss. Better strength. Better mood.

~Be careful what you water your dreams with.
Water them with worry & fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism & solutions, you will cultivate success ~Lao Tzu


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SASSYCATMAMA40's Photo SASSYCATMAMA40 Posts: 399
7/14/17 5:00 P

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Wow. I haven't had much time to think...I've been WORKING!!!! It feels good to be needed and capable. Five years ago I was basically disabled, but I fought. If I can do it, anyone can!!!

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7/14/17 4:21 P

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Good afternoon!

It's been raining every day after lunch and I haven't been wanting to get out and do regular errands. Most people would simply do errands in the morning, but not me! Can't seem to get up and running before 11am....and I haven't really accomplished much this week. I think I'm going to take an extra sleep med tonight, really early to hopefully reset my sleep schedule. Staying up until 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning and sleeping until noon is not going to work for me any longer.

July 23rd a FB group I'm involved in is going to do another 60 hour fast.....and I'm really looking forward to it. Last time I did 76 hours and let my mind get the better of me and broke the fast "on bad terms" if that makes sense. I let my emotional eating get the upper hand. Not sure if that makes sense or not, LoL.

I fired my therapist today. She does her own scheduling and only communicates via email. I try to be very clear, as in using specific dates and times, when rescheduling/booking appointments. She doesn't check her email very often so she doesn't get correspondence in a timely manner. She has canceled our last three appointments due to miscommunication through email and not checking correspondence in a timely manner.
For example:
I had an appointment at 10am July 5th. I emailed her on July 3rd saying I couldn't keep the 10 am/July 5th appointment, but could do any appointment any time any day for the rest of the week.
For whatever reason after reading the email she canceled our July 12 & 19th appointments and offered an August 16th appointment and never addressed or followed up on the July 5th appointment. I really like her and she was easy to talk to, but it was kind of like talking to my sister or a dear friend. She would nod and say "I understand" but never offered up any way for me to look at situations in a different manner or even ask those pointed questions that make you think and eventually figure things out. Maybe my therapist of 5 years on island spoiled me.

Oh well, time to move on to other things....like health insurance. Hope you are all doing well!

Carol - Houston, TX (it's weird to see this and not Kaua'i, Hawaii)

Ketones make everything better.
Better sleep. Better mornings. Better energy.
Better fat loss. Better strength. Better mood.

~Be careful what you water your dreams with.
Water them with worry & fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism & solutions, you will cultivate success ~Lao Tzu


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EDWARDSC393's Photo EDWARDSC393 Posts: 2,268
7/8/17 3:32 P

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Hi!

I sleep a lot, sometimes 11 hrs. Been getting stuffed up and then drippy nose. Had a nice friday. I got caught drinking behind my husbands back. I have to just drink Mon- Thurs. It makes me nervous to not think about it, I just do. My meds are good. I get Latuda Samples from my doc.

We moved, was scary, we had to downsized. That was hard

I hope you all had a great Day!

Cherie

I,m Cherie, Been with sparker for 3 yrs, I like that I'm losing it slowly! Its a lifestyle!


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LARISSA238's Photo LARISSA238 SparkPoints: (82,940)
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7/7/17 1:53 A

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I've been doing better today... I had to fight my health insurance company for my Depo shot since it's denied! I'm 34 and want birth control (they don't know I'm a lesbian) so I should be able to get it, but I've gone through every possible channel to get it and I haven't been able to. I have PMDD (PMS on steroids) so I need it so I don't go psycho. I think I haven't been stable lately because of not having my shot. I am over my rage attack from last night. I came down today, but I feel better now. I went for a walk which is an improvement. I haven't been doing much physically lately. This is actually the first "exercise" walk I've done since I moved. I've been to the gym, and walking to get to the bus and back, but I haven't actually gone out for a walk. I'm tired but I feel good.

As for my diet, my IBS has been doing better, too! I thought I would get constipation with all the meat I eat, but I'm just regular. My meds are doing okay, too. I don't know if I should be on an antidepressant or not. Going Keto has helped raise my energy levels, too, so I don't need an antidepressant. I just wish that I was on one for the low times like the past week, but at the same time I don't want to be manic again. I wish I would get a nice hypomania instead of rage ones, but then again I can't afford to spend money!

We had a DBSA barbecue on Monday and I went. I felt okay.. Half depressed and half having fun if that makes sense. Here are some pictures!




~Rissa, AKA Diane


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SASSYCATMAMA40's Photo SASSYCATMAMA40 Posts: 399
7/6/17 1:48 P

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For constipation, I take MiraLax (a generic version). I've tried almost everything under the sun, and this gives me the least problems. As for IBS, it can be worsened by a high fat diet...the fat can cause the runs!!!

Feeling good since I'm getting out in the field....

Busy busy busy!!!

Julie

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7/6/17 12:12 P

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So I've seen FODMAP on commercials and have no clue what it means. Guess I could go Google it, but then what would I have to type about? LoL!

I'm washing all the bed linens today. Which means I'll take a long shower and exfoliate, deep condition my hair, use a face mask and generally get all spic-n-span. I think there's a lip mask in the bathroom as well....those darn sales people see me coming and get me for all those little $3-$4 items in the checkout lane!

My mood is good as of late - like the last 2-3 days. Dad, hubs and I drove up to see my older sister for 4th of July. Her hubby grilled burgers and I brought the meat, buns, shrimp dip and crackers for the dip. It had been forever since we had the real Ranch Style brand beans and they were a hit. Can't get much easier than opening 2 cans and heating beans up, LoL!

Diane, do you think your angry-hypo mania is from to much stimulation? 4th of July fireworks? or activities? I can't do fireworks because they over stimulate my senses.

Well, quick/short post right now. Gotta get chicken in the slow cooker. Super simple dinner tonight - chicken, Campbell's marsala sauce, onion & extra shrooms low and slow in the cooker. Will add some extra marsala wine right before it's ready to be plated. I'm going to break out the zoodler and serve it over zuch noodles plus cook some gnocchi with pesto for hubs. Funny, I can say no to gnocchi when I make Italian but there's no way I could say no to garlic bread...so don't serve the bread!

Carol - Houston, TX (it's weird to see this and not Kaua'i, Hawaii)

Ketones make everything better.
Better sleep. Better mornings. Better energy.
Better fat loss. Better strength. Better mood.

~Be careful what you water your dreams with.
Water them with worry & fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism & solutions, you will cultivate success ~Lao Tzu


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7/6/17 9:18 A

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My husband has/had IBS-D like you. He had to take medications for the longest time. About 1.5 years ago we tried the FODMAP diet to see if that would help with him. Boy was that a life changer for him. He hasn't had to be on medication and has had only 5 attacks (early in the adoption phase of the diet) since beginning it. SERIOUS life changer for him. Might be something to look at.

Hugs on the hypomania. I'm there as well. I feel like my hubby is trying to take the beautifulness of art (words, colors, music, ideas) away from me. But he is only telling me to calm down, do soothing stuff but I SO enjoy the beauty right now. I feel so introspective and like I have such wonderful ideas. I've lost 17 lbs but when I'm in these moods I seem to not want much to eat but what I want to eat isn't the best options. I don't know why that happens. Today I am going to try and curb it.

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7/6/17 2:05 A

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I wish I was constipated sometimes! I have IBS-D which means I get the runs daily. I'm even on a high fat, lots of meat diet and I still get the runs. I don't know if meds effect it or not.

I don't feel like talking much. I'm in a rage hypomania.

~Rissa, AKA Diane


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URBANAUDREYE's Photo URBANAUDREYE SparkPoints: (127,399)
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7/5/17 11:46 A

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Ah, swimming... how I wish I had access to a pool to just float in right now. My parents didn't open theirs because my mom fractured her ankle in a hit and run Holy Saturday.

And yes, hydration is key to ease that constipation.

Audrey
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JUSTPEACHYGA's Photo JUSTPEACHYGA SparkPoints: (11,968)
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7/5/17 10:11 A

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I'm so sorry Audrey about the discomfort. I remember that stage and discomfort and I do not wish to relive it. At least the soon will be here for you in a bit. I hate this saying but I'm going to use it "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming" :-) I have used a stool softener and they don't help. They gave them to me in the mental hospital as well. I am starting to use Miralax on a daily basis so hopefully that will help. I'm needing to keep very well hydrated I think, which has never been my forte. Guess it will be now.

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URBANAUDREYE's Photo URBANAUDREYE SparkPoints: (127,399)
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7/5/17 9:10 A

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My mood has been a bit... eh. The pregnancy is still taking it's toll. I'm not constantly puking anymore, but I still have daily migraines and I'm having a lot of pelvic and back pain issues. Half the OB's have told me to use a pelvic girdle and it would get better... wrong. Then there was one who simply told me, this is your third baby, it's not going to get better and you can expect it to get worse. At least he didn't sugar coat it. As of last appointment, I'm 3cms dilated and 70% effaced. Not in the birth canal quite yet though. And he's facing slightly posterior, which doesn't help the pain issues.

The girls have been just plain moody. It's making it difficult on both me and Rob. His usual cool temper has been anything but. I might have to start spiking his coffee with my anti-anxiety meds.

I can't say I've had any constipation issues with my psych meds... or at least none that I've taken recently. My vitamins though cause an issue. Might I suggest a stool softener?

Audrey
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JUSTPEACHYGA's Photo JUSTPEACHYGA SparkPoints: (11,968)
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7/5/17 7:59 A

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Hi All, it's been a long while since I've been on SP. Was having major mood issues to the point of a 11 day hospital stay at a mental health facility. I came out of the hospital and a few days later experienced lithium toxicity to where I had to go to the hospital. Started to settle down for a few weeks to where maybe I could re-integrate into the world only to have to discover that I need to have my appendix removed. They did the surgery and while in surgery found that I had also diverticulitis. So it's been a few weeks recovering from those. I think I'm on the home stretch now. Thank goodness. I just have to really keep up with my hydration and have a low fiber diet. Probably next week I'll be able to walk a full lap around my park at least. Despite all of this I have lost 10 lbs, thank goodness.

Question though. Do you guys experience constipation with the taking of your meds?

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LARISSA238's Photo LARISSA238 SparkPoints: (82,940)
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7/5/17 12:11 A

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Okay, so I've been going through this whole "two mind" thing... I feel good in one half of my brain and the other half I feel depressed. It's really hard trying to get the two to come together... I just started DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) instead of CBT so I can combine my "logical" mind and my "emotional" mind into one "wise" mind. Since I just started becoming aware of the 2 minds in my mind, I can really see that there is a conflict going on. I knew in the past that I would feel bad and good at the same time, or feel normal and not know why I was crying, so it's just weird feeling all these emotions at the same time. I don't know if that makes sense... Like this whole time I've had these 2 minds, but I just could only access one at a time. Now I can feel both. It's a very weird, but good, feeling. I don't have multiple personalities (DID- Dissociative Identity Disorder) I know that (and both my psych and therapist agree), but it's just weird being able to tap into all these feelings that have been there, but under the surface.

I know that might seem weird, but it's actually a pretty normal thing. Most people can feel conflicting emotions. It's just that mine were hidden for almost all my life and so I'm just learning how to deal with the two now. Like yesterday, I was at the beach and trying to have fun. One part of me was having fun, and the other wanted to go home and cry. Luckily I was with my DBSA people, so depressed people understand depression. We even had one girl who was just happy to be out of the house. Didn't want to really socialize, was shy, but just sitting alone and smiling. She has PTSD and didn't want to be near a lot of fireworks.

How are y'all doing this holiday weekend? It's almost over!

~Rissa, AKA Diane


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LARISSA238's Photo LARISSA238 SparkPoints: (82,940)
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7/5/17 12:03 A

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Hi All!

Here is where we post our July posts... Sorry this is late!

~Rissa, AKA Diane


5% Challenge, Cloverleafs Summer, Winter, Spring 2018 Challenge Leader
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5% Challenge, Cloverleafs Fall 2016, Member.
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