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7/1/17 11:21 A

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Hi all!

Not much going on around this side of the world. I love, love, love my FNP (family nurse practitioner), Norma. Maybe I'm repeating myself, but she sure gets my thumbs up! She really doesn't want me on temazapam for sleep and for the last 3+ months I've taken a variety and combo of things and this last visit she agreed that it's (temazapam) will work best for me. Guess I caught her off guard when I asked if we could lower it from 30mg to 15mg. She cracked up and said I'm always full of surprises....not many people ask that a "controlled substance" be reduced. Actually, the lower dosage works quite well....I'm making sure to be in bed by 9/9:30 pm and am waking up on my own around 6am.

I ate HORRIBLY yesterday at lunch. Paid for it the rest of the day and am feeling like a slug today. I think that after our family 4th of July lunch, I'll do another 36-48 hour fast, however I'm not going to use that as an excuse to eat improperly for the next four days. I felt SO much better after the last fast and felt like I was on a better track mentally when it came to food.

Anyway, hubs and I are going to try and spend some quality time together this weekend. I gave him the silent treatment for a few days after the whole loosing his meds thing+getting his Dr to prescribe him a narcotic for arthritis. I know the silent treatment is childish and wrong, not sure how else to handle it and stay sane. It's a pattern we repeat every few months. He acts like an ass, I let it build up inside me until I can't stand it any longer and call him out on his BS. I get mad and shut down, he scurries around like a little kid doing the things he knows he supposed to be doing but isn't. A few days later we have a talk and within a day or two, he's back to his old games and BS.....and the cycle goes round and round. I need to better learn how to express myself in the moment and hopefully he will follow suit and be more responsible.....NOT that I'm responsible for HIS actions or lack there of.

Okay, enough rambling. Need to get going on some things around the house.

OH! I'm so excited! Had my eye exam yesterday and decided on the coolest frames! cannot wait for them to get here! Not sure if I've ever been this excited about glasses.
emoticon

Edited by: KAUAICAROLANNN at: 7/1/2017 (11:24)
Carol - Houston, TX (it's weird to see this and not Kaua'i, Hawaii)

Ketones make everything better.
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Better fat loss. Better strength. Better mood.

~Be careful what you water your dreams with.
Water them with worry & fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism & solutions, you will cultivate success ~Lao Tzu


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6/30/17 1:41 A

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Hi there!

Julie, I saw your post in the "I felt good today when" section and I'm concerned. If you want to talk, I'm here for you! Just send me a SparkMail or find me on Facebook- Larissa238 Also, if you do get a psych, make sure you research what they are giving you so you know! I just got done the GeneSight testing to see what meds work with my genes and which ones are not good... turns out the horrible experience I had with Paxil could have been prevented if I had this testing done 10 years ago! It's cheap (if you make less than $50,000 a year it's $20 IF not covered by insurance- and mine covers it) and totally worth it! It's just a cheek swab, no poking needed.

Cherie, stay strong! I know most psychs don't want you drinking on meds, but if you slowly cut down maybe you can get to a point where you both can agree that your drinking is okay if you only have X drinks a week? I don't drink very often, so I don't know what would be good or not.

----

I'm doing okay... I started Geodon again last night, and I don't know what I think yet. Not many hallucinations yet, so that's good, but I don't remember much of last night after I took it. I know I was up in the middle of the night, thinking "Man, I've been up forever", but I don't remember how long I was up and how awake I was. I just remember being awake and thinking it was a long time. I don't know how much I slept, and then when my alarm went off this morning I just took my Neurontin and went back to sleep. I tried to sell my plasma today (I'm that desperate for money, sadly), and they said I have to talk to my psych first since it could lower the medication levels in my blood plasma. That sucks, because for your first time here they give you $75, then the second time $50. That's a heck of a lot of money for someone only getting $1,034 a month! I just have to hang in there until November 3rd.. then I'm pretty much free!

I'm just feeling depressed right now. I have this "two-mind" thing going on (but both my psych and I agree I don't have DID, aka multiple personalities) where part of me is logical and knows that I can do what needs to be done, but then the other half is just depressed and wants to do nothing all day. I'm frustrated. I have things to do, but I just want to be in bed and cry. I give in sometimes, and just lay in bed and do nothing (and sometimes cry), but most of the time I can push myself to get out of bed. I'm scared that I'm going to be denied my SSDI renewal... I really need it and I don't know what I'm going to do if I get denied. I just tried to check the website and it's closed for the night. *sigh*... I think I'm going to eat a bit more, take my pills and just try and sleep. It's been a long day.

~Rissa, AKA Diane

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EDWARDSC393's Photo EDWARDSC393 Posts: 2,295
6/29/17 5:21 P

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Hi all!

The apartment is coming along good. My husband said we will drink on weekends, but I have to be strong during the week.
My psych doesn,t want me to drink, I enjoy it with meals. we always eat when we drink. It does help me to relax but I have to relax another way. Makin spaghetti now.

Have a good day!

Cherie

I,m Cherie, Been with sparker for 3 yrs, I like that I'm losing it slowly! Its a lifestyle!


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SASSYCATMAMA40's Photo SASSYCATMAMA40 Posts: 399
6/29/17 4:52 P

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Heather: have you considered blood sugar? And just over a year ago, I had an issue with probable serotonin syndrome...how many meds are you taking?

I've been away, working in the fields. My boss is being a pain--he makes fun of me every day. I'm ready to scream. I haven't been sleeping well, or eating well.

Just frustrated in general. I'm thinking of finding a psych doc (I go to my general doc), but I'm reluctant since the last one I had almost sent me to my death...long story. I'm trying to journal and walk more. Need to meditate for a few minutes when I get home from work instead of raiding the frig. Hard to plan lunch when I don't know where I'll be or what I'll be doing for work.

Ugh.

Julie

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6/27/17 9:12 P

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Hi again,
I didn't manage to hit the ground because my dad saw me slump over in the chair and got to me before gravity did. It definitely wasn't the heat since I had been in the same comfortably air conditioned building for the last three hours. If I have to be outside I take major precautions! I am now under orders to get myself to the ER if it happens again. I am not hoping for a repeat performance. As for the on call nurse I sort of have access to one. I was lucky to get a hold of my psych doc in a hurry and got at least some answers of what it should not be and some remote possibilities of what it might be.

So here is hoping for no more reason to need the doc! And I am not holding out much hope to get answers from my doc anyway, not with something like this.
--Heather

Edited by: HMKITTEN at: 6/27/2017 (21:15)

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6/27/17 7:01 P

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Heather: OMG!! Are you okay?? I hope so! I would freak out! What did you hit on the way down? I'm worried about you! It's been super freaking hot here (it was *112* on Sunday... 104 right now) and I'm just trying to keep cool... maybe it's the heat? Try and drink lots of cold Gatorade (or something similar). Salt is very important in the heat.. I don't know how hot it is where you live, but it's something to think about. Do you have health insurance? I know mine has a nurse line where you can talk to someone if you can't get to a doctor right away. Call your insurance company to see if they have something like that. Just take it easy!

-------------

Cherie: Maybe talk with your hubby to let him know about your drinking? Or will that make him want to let you drink even less? Sometimes our bodies get used to alcohol and we can't just stop without severe medical consequences.


~Rissa, AKA Diane

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6/27/17 5:47 P

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Had a "fun" time on Saturday night. Went out to the casino with dad and got really tired while playing. Woke up to people trying to get me to take a deep breath and open my eyes. Apparently I had passed out for over 15 minutes and was turning white and blue by the time I started to come around. Still don't remember parts of dinner that happened shortly before going down. They had called the paramedics, but by the time the EMTs got there I was talking and moving fine so I declined the not-so-free ride to the hospital.

Long story short, my psych doc is keeping an eye on me and my primary doc can't see me till the 11th. Had I gone in to the ER or urgent care I could be seen this week, but not under my case! I might be a little angry about that.

I feel guilty for putting my dad through that stress of dealing with me. I know that there is nothing that I could do about it, but I wish that I hadn't put him through it. Medical emergencies are not easy for him due to past trauma. To put it in his words, "I think you got more kisses in that fifteen minutes than you have in your entire life). Any you don't remember any of them." I am mostly angry at my body, but he is a wreck at not knowing what is going on and that it could happen again at any time--like when nobody is there to help.

Anyway, I am frustrated and want to go home for a while, but am following his request to stay in a little longer to have someone here to help. Not that much an be done for me while I am passed out. More of a problem of what I might hit on the way to the floor. He also isn't too thrilled with the hour and a half drive home either.

Not sure what could have caused the problem, just ate dinner, drank water, no sudden movements, no real drug changes, nothing that steps out and says "HERE IS THE PROBLEM!"

I wasn't afraid then, I am mostly frustrated now, though the longer I think about it the more scared I get (idle minds create deadly thoughts). Still upset that I did this to my dad. But nothing to be done on it right now except try and be alert to it happening again--which it hopefully will not.

So grr. Yeah. Grr. Not expecting anything else to happen, but still a little nervous that it will and that my dad will have to deal with it. I am just focusing on canning yet more apricots to keep me busy (~120 pints so far).

--Heather



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6/27/17 12:35 P

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Hi all!

I'm back from moving into a smaller apartment. The packing and unpacking has been rough. My honey has fixed it up in here, but its a lot smaller.

He caught me drinking. I was drinking daily, not getting drunk tho. He says we only have to drink on weekends. We had an emotional time. He said I was putting alcohol first., Not true, I love him so much I take Latuda.

Trying to catch up with my posts!

Have a nice day!

Cherie

I,m Cherie, Been with sparker for 3 yrs, I like that I'm losing it slowly! Its a lifestyle!


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6/25/17 12:30 A

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Carol- to reiterate, YOU MATTER!

I'm sorry he is treating you this way. I hope you have checked out CoDA... It's helped me a lot! It sounds like you have major trust issues with him (and I don't blame you!) and that to get things to work out, you need to get your trust rebuilt with him. He has to want to change, though, and so it's up to him to do that. If he doesn't want to change, then it's your decision about what to do.

CoDA is a 12-step program, and it also has 12 Traditions. Tradition 3 says "The only requirement for membership in CoDA is a desire for healthy and loving relationships". It sounds like CoDA would help you learn how to have a healthy and loving relationship- I know it's helping me learn about how to deal with Geo and my dependence on him. I'm glad you are talking about it here.. this is a safe space for people to talk. If there's something that you don't want made public, then maybe journal? I know when I hash things out it helps. I know you have limits on when you can call, but I'm just an email or phone call away!

*hugs*

I don't know why the doctor gave him Tramadol. It doesn't make sense. Does his work know? Is there a way you can make sure he doesn't take it and work at the same time? I'm really worried about his safety. Also, if you talk to his work about it and he finds out, I worry about your safety. He might not hit you or be violent, but his emotional reactions could be just as bad, or even worse! I know that the emotional abuse Geo did to me was worse than physical. I don't have any bruises or physical scars, but I have emotional scars instead- which nobody sees or believes.

If there is anything we can do to help, please let us know! We are here for you!

~Rissa, AKA Diane

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KAUAICAROLANNN's Photo KAUAICAROLANNN SparkPoints: (154,988)
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6/24/17 9:29 P

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Sorry. I was to ticked off to come back last night....my post would have been full of 4 letter words and I'm not much of a cussing kind of gal.

As stated before, hubs has issues with telling the truth. He has an addictive personality and has struggled in the past with alcohol, percocet, valium, codeine, morphine and nicotine. After yesterday's morning drama, I called for an appointment with a different Dr at the same practice so hubs could go in and discuss his memory issues. Doc increased the prozac to 40mg and then prescribed tramadol for arthritis. TRAMADOL?!?!?!? Hubs complained to the doc that his current med wasn't helping with arthritis pain.
Well......if #1) you aren't taking it at all, no it won't help; #2) when you DO manage to take it, your are not taking as prescribed 3x a day. Yeah, no, it won't help.
A narcotic for arthritis? Prescribed to someone with known addiction issues (which is in his medical records)? Prescribed to someone who works in a chemical plant where his every attention has to be sharp otherwise not only he himself but other people could be in danger? Life and death, critical injury kind of danger. If he messes up he could kill himself and/or other people ind of danger. Project managers will not allow sports/energy type drinks on site because employees get jittery and pumped up and can't clearly think. Yeah, that kind of danger.

I'm stunned! Though it shouldn't surprise me. When we talked about it last night (no, I wasn't very calm) he was slurring his words and talking weird. I know how he acts when he's been drinking and that wasn't what was going on....he had taken a triple dose of tramadol because he was in "significant pain". He was fully aware I was upset and came to give me a hug and a kiss and I asked if he had skoal/dip in his mouth and very wide eyed he said no...I actually got out a flashlight and pulled out his lower lip to prove the point that he was only lying to himself and I wasn't falling for the BS. He's been off nicotine for well over three months, closer to four. I smoked for 20+ years and know how difficult it is to kick the habit. He quit smoking/dipping not by choice but because he was in ICU for three weeks and then spent another 5 weeks recovering at home from a massive lung infection. So bad of an infection even three chest tubes wouldn't drain it, they had to open up his chest to scrape the infected mass from his lung.

I'm at a loss. I don't think I'm asking to much when I say: I want my partner to tell the truth, take care of himself and respect me in the simplest most basic ways.

I guess I need to take care of myself first, not to let his actions affect my mental health (as best as possible) and not to expect anything but mediocrity at best from him. After moving back to the mainland, it has taken 2+1/2 years to find the right medical/psych team and med combo to get stable and I will not let him and his issues drag me under.

I matter.



Edited by: KAUAICAROLANNN at: 6/24/2017 (21:34)
Carol - Houston, TX (it's weird to see this and not Kaua'i, Hawaii)

Ketones make everything better.
Better sleep. Better mornings. Better energy.
Better fat loss. Better strength. Better mood.

~Be careful what you water your dreams with.
Water them with worry & fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism & solutions, you will cultivate success ~Lao Tzu


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6/23/17 11:35 P

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*hugs Carol* I hope you come back and "talk" to us more! I know letting it out is good.. that's what I did last night in my rant here.

~Rissa, AKA Diane

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"Learning to Love Yourself is the Greatest Love of All" ~Whitney Houston


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6/23/17 2:19 P

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Sad day. A neighbor a few doors down passed and today was her memorial service. She taught fourth grade and I was in her secondary class. Such a sweet lady. It was really hard since Mom and she were friendly as us kids were growing up. I had to excuse myself a couple times because it brought back a flood of memories from Mom's memorial service....exactly 3 month ago today.

My hubs is loosing what's left of his ever loving mind. Every Sunday evening we pull out meds and fill up our weekly pill organizers. 3 weeks ago he filled his up and put his newly refilled prescriptions in a "place he'd never forget". Yup, he forgot. So he could continue taking one of his meds, I pulled out an older prescription (10mg prozac) and said to take two of the 10mg since he was now on 20mg prozac....makes sense. Today he he was trying to be responsible and fill up his pill organizer. Low and behold, he lost the leftover 10mg bottle of prozac. Seriously?? He started wigging out and I could see that the more worried and frustrated he was getting, the more wound up he got and was clearly not thinking rationally. Three weeks ago I "encouraged" him to better organize his meds by keeping current scripts in his bathroom medicine cabinet; meds he's still taking but at a different dosage go in the hall closet - we have a box specifically for that purpose; and the meds he's no longer taking go in a drawer in the kitchen where I have a box full to be taken to be incinerated. Not that my way is the ONLY way, that process is my habit and it works for me. Anyway he wanted to look through the box of discarded meds and triumphantly he held up a bottle and said "here it is"! It was actually an old pain med. I asked if he knew what the name of the script was he was looking for.....and he didn't know. No clue. So I reminded him that he kept said list in his wallet. He couldn't find his wallet. Mass hysteria ensued. Found his wallet, no list. He had to go to ER last week because he got bit by a spider at work and had handed his list to the nurse and never got it back.
So here's this 53 year old man looking for a med he doesn't know the name of and is convinced that when he had surgery last February he must have gone with out oxygen for to long and is suffering brain damage and it's the doctors fault.....THAT'S why he's having trouble remembering things.

Anyway, I told him to take a couple bucks and walk over to the shop-n-rob and get a soda. Walk away from the immediate situation, clear his mind a little and start over when he got back home. When he got back I suggested that perhaps instead of brain damage, perhaps he was becoming more self aware because he's always had issues remembering even the simplest things.....like turning off a light when he leaves a room, locking the door (any door - house, car, garage), important dates/scheduled appointments/times, etc.
He started to answer and I held up my hand and told him to not react or respond, but to ponder and think on it for a while. I had to jet out to go to the memorial service and couldn't stick around to encourage him any more.
Argh! emoticon

I'll come back later this evening and "talk" to you guys...my sister is on her way. Thanks for listening!

Edited by: KAUAICAROLANNN at: 6/23/2017 (14:24)
Carol - Houston, TX (it's weird to see this and not Kaua'i, Hawaii)

Ketones make everything better.
Better sleep. Better mornings. Better energy.
Better fat loss. Better strength. Better mood.

~Be careful what you water your dreams with.
Water them with worry & fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism & solutions, you will cultivate success ~Lao Tzu


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6/23/17 12:34 A

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Heather, I'm on Latuda and it works really well for me. I have schizophrenia as well, and it takes away my hallucinations. I know being "flat" is hard... I call it numb. When I get numb it's more dangerous to me than being depressed. I just want to feel, and I will do anything to feel. It's a hard state to be in... I hope that either you can't relate, or that you can find something to get you out of it. I don't remember what it's like on Lithium...it's been over a decade since I was on it.

But Latuda is great.. it's an antidepressant, mood stabilizer and antipsychotic. It's really expensive, and like you, I want to be off meds, but right now I need it. Next Wednesday I go to my psych and get the results of the GeneSight Testing (genetic testing to see what meds work). I have been on almost everything out there, and it takes a ton of it for me to get any results, then it wears off really fast and I have to change meds. It really sucks, and I hope these tests can help. It's covered by my insurance which makes me happy.

I'm all over the place... I had a rough couple of days and I'm just trying to figure things out. I had therapy today and I kept talking about my stepdad and the whole eBay thing... He wants me to sell stuff on eBay but it's really hard for me to think about. He keeps pressuring me to do it his way, and I don't want to! I talked to my therapist about it, and so I tried standing my ground. Richard gave me some more crap about doing everything on eBay, even though the stuff I'm selling nobody wants. He wants me to keep listing things for a YEAR until someone buys it... I don't have that kind of energy! He says that sometimes things take a really long time to sell, and I just want this crap out of here! Who is going to pay even $1 for a Smithsonian Magazine from the 90's with $3 shipping?? It's not even worth the $1 I'm selling it for, and I can't ship it for free since I don't have the extra money. I'm better off selling it to a random bookstore (who wouldn't want it, anyway) and then having to give it to Goodwill. I swear, he has no idea! He sells tons of stuff on eBay since he has tons of time and energy... but I don't! I don't think it's fair for me to have to sell all this crap, even if I do get the money. If I make $1 off a magazine that it takes me 15 minutes to list the first time, then re-list takes another 5 minutes EACH TIME, that's about $4 an hour! It's not worth it!

And he's all excited about it right now... he just sold a mask from the movie Scream that sold for over $275!! So he's even more of an asshole about it now- he thinks that anything can be worth tons of money. He's been doing eBay for years and years, and this is the first time something has done that well. I really don't know what he's thinking. I'm sorry I'm ranting about this... It' just on my mind and I need to get it out. I'm tired, I want to sleep, but I can't turn my mind off. I think my body is shutting down again, coming off this hypomania that I've been in for over a month.

*sigh*

~Rissa, AKA Diane

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6/22/17 10:08 P

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Heya guys, life is still...interesting. Working with my parents to get their health and house in order. No job still. Pretty much the same.

But here is the problem: I am flat lined emotion-wise. I still am hit with short blasts of depression but for the most part it is just flat. All day. Doc and I switched up my dosing of lithium to give me a blast dose of extended release at night to get rid of some of the depression flashes late at night (the PTSD is bubbling up again). But the timing of medication has not stopped the flat (same total dose during the day, just split up differently).

So here is the question: does lithium flatline you? Anything that can be done to get around it?

Doc gave me some Latuda to try if the changing of timing didn't take care of the depression. Still having more troubles with anxiety attacks, and I am not sure if the new med would even touch those. Any experience with Latuda on here?

I am tired of the medications. I know that I need them, but I just wish that something would would actually make me stable--whatever that is.

So the long and short: mope. flatlined by lithium? Latuda? mope.
--Heather



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6/19/17 1:38 A

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Hey All!

Wow, life has been crazy, but I'm SO thankful for CoDA (Co-Dependents Annon.)! My sister posted this horrible post on my Facebook last night... I have been posting pictures of me going out and stuff (went to a mental health musical on Friday night... amazing!) and she said nothing. Posting tons of other stuff, and nothing. Then, for Father's Day, I post something about my stepdad, Richard. She hates his guts and claims he did things to her that he never did (it was even investigated and he was found innocent), like "hugging her for too long" and a bunch of other sh*t. So, when I posted that comment about him, she goes off on me, saying all this stuff about him. She has a Doctorate of Psychology (PsyD) and does child therapy, yet she can't get over her own perceived trauma (go figure? How can she help others when she can't help herself)? Well, I wanted to go off on her and say all this crap back to her, like "Where's the evidence? Do you treat your patients this way?" and so many other things I can't remember. I called my sponsor (the first step is saying you are powerless over other people, and I was trying to have power over her) and we talk for a while. I prayed to my Higher Power (Love) and felt so much better! If I hadn't been in CoDA, I would have gone off on her, making myself look worse. Instead, I just deleted the posts and ignored them. If she does post anything else, I'm going to quote the musical from Friday, "Trixie", and say "Your feelings are valid. However, my feelings are valid as well" and leave it at that. If she wants to go psycho on me, then it's only going to look bad on her. Sad that I'm the "crazy" one, acting more sane that my PsyD sister.

I went to the gym, too! I'm back doing a lot of things again and feeling better! Even though I didn't fall asleep until after 7 am the other night, I still felt stable! I got some good sleep last night, and I'm just feeling good! I'm making progress. I filled out my SSDI renewal this week, too... I'm scared that I'm going to get denied, of course. I had TONS of stuff to say (like a huge list of meds, 4 ER visits so far this year, and more) so I hope that I get approved. I feel bad posting good stuff on Facebook since I hear that they can deny you on that, but just because I'm going out a bit doesn't mean that I'm not still disabled. I can barely turn on my laptop and post a couple of times a week because of the stress. I do Facebook since I can do it on my phone.

I did genetic testing for meds, and I see my psych next Wednesday to get the results. I'm pretty medication resistant, so I'm just hoping I can find something that works. *sigh* My mood is starting to go down now and I don't know why. I just hope that I can have a good night, and get to the gym tomorrow for my session!

~Rissa, AKA Diane

5% Challenge, Cloverleafs Fall, Summer, Winter, Spring 2018 Challenge Leader
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"Learning to Love Yourself is the Greatest Love of All" ~Whitney Houston


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6/16/17 3:09 P

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Doing...okay. Less brain fog during the day due to a switchup of meds. But I am still flatlined. Quick flashes of ups or downs in a sea of meh. I guess that it beats the massive lows, but I still am fragile and have short (less than three minute) bouts of crying. Same goes for short-lived flashes of anger and frustration. I guess that the random small ups and downs are better, but it sure is making me question it. And I can still tell that I am not stable since the flashes are still there at the minor-est of things. The anxiety has been a problem too and I have had to rely heavily on my rescue meds. The brainz are masked, but still problematic.

Can I honestly expect the brainz to be on an even keel or will they always be trying to escape the meds at every turn?

But I see the doc on Tuesday, so we can address it then. Till then, frustration continues much as it has been.

Still no luck on a job, but taking a break this week while I am up in town with my parents (helping them, have a concert, and have three appointments on three different days). I'll probably be applying to the Dominoe's in town. Great job to have with a freaking college degree, but at least it might be a job at all. Online jobs have been weeding me out due to needing both part-time and no good internet connection. (Or the telemarketer positions that I have problems with morally--I don't want to lie for a living)

Still working the food pantry, despite being rather aggravated as of late. I love the people, I am less than pleased with one of the managers. Luckily I don't have much interaction with her...usually. Moreso over the past couple of weeks. Minor detail in the long run though.

Since I have been spending so much time up at my parents my eating is ridiculously horrid with all the eating out and treats around the house. Food=love in the house. But I am the one that puts the food in my mouth so I am ultimately responsible.

And I am rambling. So on that note. Take care guys!
--Heather



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6/15/17 11:25 A

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Hi all!

This moving and packing is hard when you are bi-polar. We seem to sleep more, but then my hunny wanted more help and I had to nap.
We've been purging stuff to goodwill, Then sat we will move the big stuff. Don't know where I'm gonna put stuff and our meds too. Not enuff counter space either. But fanancially wise ,it needs to be done.
Been gaining weight from drinking to much. Won't be drinking next week tho. I relax by drinking wine.

I'll be out for at least a week.

Celexa is good once you get past the first month. I do sweat a lot tho.

Take care everyone!

Cherie

I,m Cherie, Been with sparker for 3 yrs, I like that I'm losing it slowly! Its a lifestyle!


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6/12/17 3:14 P

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I finally filled the Celexa prescription but I've been too nervous to try it. I lost 10lbs, so the weight I gained from starting Lexapro plus a few, and I don't want to mess that up. I've been carefully watching my calories, carbs, and sugar and increased my fiber, fish, and leafy greens. I still have refills on the Lexapro, my psychiatrist didn't cancel it, so I don't know if I should just keep on with that or if I should suck it up and switch over to the Celexa. My anxiety is definitely better on the Lexapro, but I am still taking emergency pills for panic so I either need a higher dose or something different.

A kind of bonus is that I made myself go for a walk on my lunch today, and this time when I heard things and began getting super paranoid about someone following me it was because someone was actually there. He had come out onto the bridge for a private place to hold a phone call, so none of the things I was hearing were in my head this time. A brief moment of panic before I talked myself down, but nice to find it set in reality this time.

"There is no right or wrong, tomorrow only comes for those with the power to overcome the challenge." - Asteroth, Catherine


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6/11/17 4:23 P

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Hi everyone!

I'm waiting patiently to find out on Tuesday if I have a job. There's a little subdivision about 8 miles away whose HOA is looking for someone to drive the neighborhood 2x a week and take pictures and email homeowners of violations. Then there are 3 neighborhood parties a year that I would have to coordinate. I asked for $1000/month. There would be no reimbursement for gas/mileage/drive time to/from and computer time would also be included, so I thought that was fair. I wouldn't get paid any extra for the 3 different weeks I'd plan the parties so it will even out. Hope I get it! All corespondence (I can't spell that word!) would be via email to homeowners and phone/email to the HOA.....so I wouldn't have to directly with people, LoL!

Congrats to you Diane on your good news, too!!! That's awesome!

It's been a good weekend. Quiet but spent time with Dad. He and I hung out for a while Friday and Saturday afternoon doing some odd and ends things around the house. Today he and hubs went to the convention center to do a little "business". Then the three of us went to Luby's for lunch. I'm here on SP, hubs is now horizontal on the couch snoring.

I will certainly say that drinking the ketones have really made a difference in my mood and quality of sleep. I also read that MCT's help balance hormones which might explain my ability to adjust the thermostat up a few degrees. My weight/fat loss kinda stalled, but they say that's typical for weeks 4-6...means I'm losing inches! ....hopefully!

Better run off to other duties.

Congrats again Diane!

Carol - Houston, TX (it's weird to see this and not Kaua'i, Hawaii)

Ketones make everything better.
Better sleep. Better mornings. Better energy.
Better fat loss. Better strength. Better mood.

~Be careful what you water your dreams with.
Water them with worry & fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism & solutions, you will cultivate success ~Lao Tzu


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6/9/17 1:39 A

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Hey Jenny!

I'm glad you came and posted with us! 6 pounds in a month is really good, so give yourself some credit for that! You have a lot to be proud of yourself for- Quitting opiates (HUGE!!), losing weight despite quitting opiates AND battling depression, going to the gym... You are doing great things, and you need to remind yourself of that. You are doing things that most people couldn't do, and you are doing them all at once! You are really to be commended!

As for the house, maybe talk to your husband about sharing the responsibility together... I know he works but depression and bipolar can be more time-consuming than a full time job. I don't know if he understands that, but it really is hard sometimes to just get out of bed, not to mention fixing a house! My stepdad doesn't understand that even though I can go out with friends, the thought of selling my old TV on Craigslist is too much for me to imagine. He sells a ton of stuff online, so it's easy for him, but it's so hard for me! He's in denial about his own mental issues (hoarding, co-dependent) and doesn't understand mine.

I would like to learn more about this Tolle's teaching's... I'm trying to learn more about my body and become more in touch with it. If you could recommend a website or a book, I would like to check it out!

~Rissa, AKA Diane

5% Challenge, Cloverleafs Fall, Summer, Winter, Spring 2018 Challenge Leader
5% Challenge, Cloverleafs Fall, Summer, Spring, Winter 2017 Challenge Leader
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"Learning to Love Yourself is the Greatest Love of All" ~Whitney Houston


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6/8/17 7:46 P

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Hi all I am on sparkpeople off and on. This time I have been active for about a month. At first it didn't appear like I was losing any substantial weight but recently the scale shows that I lost about six pounds in that month which isn't too bad.
I have been having issues off and on. I got sober from an addiction to opiates in January and since then have been through a few months of depression. I started feeling better but just yesterday a problem got thrown in my lap and it has me feeling very upset.
We moved from our home up north in October and have been renting since then in a new place that is 3 hours away. Our old house needs to be cleaned out and painted and put up for sale. Yesterday my husband made it known that this was up to me because he is busy working. I feel so unsupported.
If you are familiar with Eckhart Tolle's teachings than you will understand when I say that my pain body is active. I think Tolle would say just to bring it into my awareness and observe it until it passes. I have been grumpy all day. I'm back to the old times when I wanted to blame everything on bipolar and where i just wish I didn't have issues with my mental health.
On the bright side I have been going to the gym and exercising about five times a week for over a month. Maybe I will feel better if I start giving myself some credit

Jenny
Michigan, EST

"When I watch the heavens in the silence of the night, as if the stars, in the profound silence of space, were listening to the eternal music of the Divine." Sri Ananda Acharaya


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6/8/17 4:07 P

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Hi All!

I sure did not "Jump Into June" that's for sure! Not sure what was up, but I had a terrible migraine that made me shaky and nauseous, with the typical light sensitivity. All that combined made me anxious and feeling like my heart was going to pound right out of my chest. Then I started thinking about if I got as sick to be hospitalized, my husband wouldn't know the first thing to do or even how to find the papers and try figure out what to do.

Diane, I'm putting the work from home link on my tool bar. Let us know if you find any good leads, as will I. I'm going to take a wild guess that when you were thinking and worrying about the egg slicer, it was more about the fact that you left it unsaid before your Mom passed. I understand that for certain. I keep thinking of questions I should have asked my Mom. The reality is that I should have asked them 3 or 4 years ago when her mind was still pretty much in tact. Neither you or I can let the old "coulda-shoulda-woulda" get to us otherwise it will drive us batty.

Cherie, are there things you can donate? Iv'e got a running list of donations I've made to GoodWill and other charities with approximately what their worth is - and all that can be written off on taxes. Might not help financially right now, but it will come tax time next year. Check into moving costs, too. Some of those can be written off as well.

I love swimming! We have a Rec Center within walking distance that has both an indoor and outdoor pool. I really enjoyed the aqua fit classes we tried last April. Unfortunately, the cost of the classes went from $26/month to $85+ a month. Guess that's summertime rates. Still trying to figure out finances and how to get a membership.
Anyway, for those of you who are worried about how you look in a swimsuit, remember this - nobody is looking at you! When you and everybody else are in the zone and working out, they sure aren't looking at you! They are concentrating on themselves.
swimsuitsforall.com has some really affordable women's board shorts that I've worn for years in my many different sizes. They probably have markdowns from last year, too. They have some really pricey ones as well, but search the website, there are all kinds of deals.

Well, I haven;t done anything other than putting on deo and brushing my teeth since Monday because of the migraine and had better shower up and fix hubs a decent dinner. He's been eating frozen "emergency" leftovers all week and I feel guilty about not making a good meal. He really doesn't care if I throw down hot dogs, sandwiches or a cheese/crax/fruit/meat tray with a protein shake...but I like to give him at least 3-4 good dinners every week.

Okay, off I go!

Carol - Houston, TX (it's weird to see this and not Kaua'i, Hawaii)

Ketones make everything better.
Better sleep. Better mornings. Better energy.
Better fat loss. Better strength. Better mood.

~Be careful what you water your dreams with.
Water them with worry & fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism & solutions, you will cultivate success ~Lao Tzu


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6/8/17 12:57 P

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Hi all!

Nervous, we are downsizing to another apartment on the 17th. Been packing the small stuff but we have signed the lease already and got the keys so we can move the little stuff. I've been lazy to take stuff out to the dumpster. Nothing was on tv this morning. I sleep in too, but was perspiring real bad, so it makes me restless towards the morning.

Saw psych yesterday, Didn't tell her how much I've been drinking, I don't get drunk, but I use it to relax

Gonna take a couple things out. When I was a hairdresser working, I have a lot of stuff, But its the law where you can't share hair stuff.

Need to write more, but I'm shaky now.

Cherie

I,m Cherie, Been with sparker for 3 yrs, I like that I'm losing it slowly! Its a lifestyle!


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6/6/17 11:06 P

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Heather:

Can you work from home? If so, you can try this site:
www.skipthedrive.com/ I just got that from my employment agency so I can find a job where I don't have to stand and deal with my physical limitations. If you need help with your resume or anything, just send me a message and I will help! Looking for a job sucks. I would go months and months without a job, just to get a sucky one because I ran out of unemployment time. Good luck!

Great job on going back to the gym and swimming... Once I'm done typing this I need to get off my butt and join a gym. I have Silver Sneakers, so I get a free membership and there's one close to me with a pool. I would love to swim again! I haven't tried on my bathing suit in a while... I hope it still fits! You are so brave to do a 2 piece! I want to do one, but I'm so worried about my stomach hanging out. Keep going!

Thanks for starting this thread! I totally forgot!

___________________

Deb:

I would skip walking around the block for now until you can see better. It sounds dangerous! I'm just afraid of you falling and not being able to get help. If you do go, see about taking someone with you. *hugs*

Are you going to be a leader for the Summer 5% Challenge? I'm sticking with being the CL for the Cloverleafs. I hope your Rebels are doing good... Cloverleaf's aren't really that competitive. I mean, we like being in the top, but we don't get mad if we are in the top half. I know some teams (I think the Dawgs) are really competitive and always want to be first. I don't know if Diane nudges her members to do more, I know we don't. We just had a really rough season- I was the only leader that was active the whole time. Our main ML got really sick, our WL's computer broke slowly, etc. We did have backups, but the ML/WL's couldn't get on the computer to ask for help! It was a mess. I'm just happy that we made 2nd place in Happiness in Week 7. That's more than I could ask for.

______________________

I'm hanging in there... I'm doing a lot, but at the same time my body is paying a physical toll. My back got hurt really bad, I got tendenitis in my foot from walking too much, and I couldn't sleep for days because of anxiety. I'm freaking out about small things and trying to learn to let go. I mean, the other night I was having an anxiety attack about breaking my mom's new egg slicer when I was like 7! I don't know why that got to me so much... I know it was new and a bit pricey (I don't know how much, but not more than $15) and I broke it... I was just trying to cut new things with it. I still feel guilty over it! I never told my mom I broke it, she never said anything about it, so it was minor. Still, it kept me up for over a half hour worrying about it. Then my mind shifted to other worries.

The other night, it took me from 11:30 to about 2 am to fall asleep, then someone messaged me at 2:45 am! I thought it was a group I forgot to mute, so I looked at my phone so it wouldn't beep a million times as the chat went on. It was a friend of mine, and I thought it was urgent (why else would you message someone in the middle of the night?) and it was a minor thing that she was stressing about! It took me a while to fall back asleep that night, and I woke up early the next morning.

I've just been exhausted! I'm trying to get back into being social and having friends, getting a job, going to therapy, support groups and CoDA... it seems like too much at once, but I don't know what to cut! I need friends (and not ignore y'all like I have been) and support, I need money (at least for now), I need therapy (and maybe a new therapist... I'm going to see her again on Thursday and see if I want another one), I need support groups and CoDA. I just don't know what to do! After November 3rd when I get my check and don't have to pay everything for Geo anymore, then I won't need to worry about work for a while, but until then I just need money! I'm stressing over money, bills, and so many things.

I didn't realize how much anxiety I've been having until I started typing this. Wow... I think I need to talk to my therapist about coping with anxiety and things I can do at 1 am when I can't sleep. I don't want to go back on anxiety meds (they wrecked my sleep anyway), and I like doing calming things like gardening, but not at 1 am! I want to read, but I'm scared that if I do, I'm going to get distracted and not sleep.

I just need to get up on time. Yesterday I got up at my normal 9:30 despite another rough night, but fell asleep around midnight and got some great sleep! I slept deep, and when my alarm went off at 9:30, I just went back to sleep since I knew it was good sleep and I wanted more. I got up at 11, took my pills (late.. eek!), had my coffee and started my day. It's been a good day... not a lot of pain. I'm a bit hypomanic (as you can tell by this long rant) and talking a lot, but it's not too bad. I think it's because I was late on my meds this morning. I need to get my butt out of bed on time and take my meds! I can feel it when I don't take them.

Don't worry... I'm going to be okay. I just need to relax.

_____

Heather, I just saw you posted while I was writing this rant.. I need to post this and get back to my work! *hugs* I will reply to you in a bit!

~Rissa, AKA Diane

5% Challenge, Cloverleafs Fall, Summer, Winter, Spring 2018 Challenge Leader
5% Challenge, Cloverleafs Fall, Summer, Spring, Winter 2017 Challenge Leader
5% Challenge, Cloverleafs Fall 2016, Member.
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"Learning to Love Yourself is the Greatest Love of All" ~Whitney Houston


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6/6/17 10:15 P

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Hi Deb, thanks for sticker-izing the post!
I hope that they get that infection under control quickly, I can't imagine trying to deal with that in addition to eye surgery (The closest I have come was lasik and even that was no fun on its own).

As for where I live, definitely rural. The county I live in has about 10,000 people, most of them in my little town. Volunteer opportunities are few and far between, which is why I end up volunteering an hour and a half north up by my parents' house when I am up there seeing them weekly.

So I have been keeping busy writing and (mostly) editing a book and short story I am working on. I got really discouraged this last couple of weeks because I am having trouble trying to pitch the book to people. I know what it is about, but conveying that information in an interesting fashion is just beyond my grasp for some reason. I know it is interesting, but I can't seem to transfer that over to others. (They should be able to read my mind and know what it is about)

So yeah. I am bored. I wasn't bored while I was working on the book all my waking hours, as well as dreaming about it, but now that I am disenchanted with it for the moment I find myself in a rut. The bottom dropped out from under me and my "work" is no longer really keeping me busy. Surfing the web, music listening, and other pretty-much-useless activities have taken over. But I still am working on the damnable book, just in a less manic-like manner.

And we will see how many apricots there will be, probably around 60 lbs if it is like last year. Including the 40 or so lone apricots from my tree (which are rapidly disappearing due to my munching every time I go outside).

Heal up quickly and no tripping over anything!
--Heather



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6/6/17 5:14 P

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Hi Heather,

Thank you for starting the thread. I've made it into a sticky note for us, so you have effectively started a new thread for June. Sorry that I haven't been around much lately. I've been having eye surgeries for cataracts and I'm just recuperating from the first one with a small infection problem that is complicating matters. That is being cleared up though and at least now I can see well enough to type again and to read if I don't strain my eyes too hard.

How great it is that you are back to walking and swimming as exercise.!! I will be able to go to the gym again soon and I can walk around the block right now. I have to be careful. because they still have to do one eye yet and the other one is getting better from the infection. I have a tendency to stumble on things that are right in front of me. I simply don't see them. I can't tell you how many times I've run into my grand son because I couldn't see he was there, when turn around fast. He'll be right behind me and I'll have no idea.

You sound as if you are bored. Are you near a city or are you out in the country? I am sure that your arms and body are sore after all that swimming and effort; It sounds like fun going swimming. I don't know anyone with a pool and my gym doesn't have one. I would have to find a bathing suit too and I haven't bought one in years.

At least you aren't gaining any weight. I'm so sorry that you are so bummed. When your doctor puts you through medication changes doesn't it sort of make you feel different for a few days when you go through the changes? I always get sleepy or have too much energy or something happens when i do med changes I admire you if you can get through changes with no side effects at all. I've been pretty stable, so I haven't had to deal with any med changes in a while. I'm glad that it is going well for you. I hope that it brings you up and out of your depression.

Oh apricots sound so good!! How lucky you are to have them grow fresh and enough to be able to can. We have blueberries, black berries and marion berries here. The blackberries are all over the place here. You can find them on the side of the road up here just about anywhere.

I hope that you find a job soon that will fit your needs. In this economy good luck to you I hope that you continue to come out of your depression too. There is nothing worse than going through a depression in the summer time. Have fun canning your apricots. Thanks again again, for starting the June thread. Take care and God bless, Deb emoticon emoticon

Edited by: DEBTEVELDAHL at: 6/6/2017 (17:15)
Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson
Deb
PST - Pacific Standard Time - West Coast
Portland, Or
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6/6/17 3:58 P

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I hope that this can become a sticky post, but if nothing else it can be a springboard.
-----------------------

Been doing okay I guess. Doc is shifting around when and how much of my meds I take during the day and so far it is going well.

Not been losing, but not been gaining either, so that is a good thing. Just got back on the exercise wagon and am now three for three on days I have walked. Yesterday I went swimming for the first time in months--brand new suit to fit my smaller me. Was really self-conscious about wearing my new suit (bra top and conservative bottoms) for the first time. It all went well except that I really overdid myself while I was in the pool. I woke up this morning with the intention of going for a swim and rolled over to shut off the alarm...and took two ibuprofen and went back to bed.

Till I get used to the whole swimming thing it will just have to be an every-other-day thing with walking to take up the slack.

Still no job in this black hole of a town. If I had a nursing degree I would be golden (except needing part time), but as it is I can't even get a job at McDonalds because I can't stand that long. And Wal-Mart isn't even hiring. Good darn thing the house is paid for is all I can say.

So I am bummed. Flatlined from lithium and just coming out of some major depression. Hoping that all the apricots just ripening will give me an excuse to dig out the canner and attack the jars! (Including fifty or so apricots from my little tree that set fruit for the first time)
--Heather



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