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6/3/10 5:02 P

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Thanks guys for chiming in. It really did make me feel better to realize I am not the only one who feels this way and I am sure that an uncountable number of people with who knows what conditions feel the exact same guilt over not having better control over their disease. It'the same as we feel when we think we are fat and beat ourself up over eating, when actually the trueth is that you have to eat and life throws us uncontrolable curveballs. Guess I just got overwhelmed and felt a little hopeless. Kind of like if you had to step on the scale to weigh in 6 to 8 times a day. It would definately feel like no matter how "good" your diet was you were not seeing results that reflected your hard work. The trueth for me is that taking care of my diabetes is work! And I just got a little let down by not having the work that I did that day validated by good numbers. I must have just needed a pat on the back that night. And here I got two! Sooo...Thanks again!

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HONEYBEAR027's Photo HONEYBEAR027 Posts: 1,058
6/2/10 3:54 P

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Hi guys. I am with you on this one. I think part of the problem is the Dr's and DE's and nurses, etc. make it sound like it is all about CONTROL, and that makes it sound like it is all within my personal control, and if my numbers aren't in the normal range it is because I did something WRONG. I am the "bad" diabetic because I no matter what I do my numbers aren't perfect.

But really, that fails to take into account the things that raise and lower your number that you can't really "control." I can control how much insulin I take and how many grams of carbs I eat, but sometimes all the insulin wizards in the world can't calculate the fact that I am way stressed out from work, or exercised like crazy, or my allergies are bad, or I'm fighting off a virus, etc. But like you, I want to be perfect, get that 100 on the test, and its disappointing to do everything right, but have your number be not what you expected.

I have complained before to DH about my lousy A1C's and how I should be much more pro active about bringing high numbers down. And his lovely response was - how do you know that would really help? If you were more aggressive about high numbers, maybe you'd end up with more lows and rebound highs, which would make your A1c worse anyway.

I guess my point is, its all about balance.

-Honey

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6/1/10 12:28 A

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SuperDude...tonight you are my hero!
I know everything you say is true and I tell myself over and over until I think I can't say it again. And actually all things taken into account my numbers aren't terrible. (Last A1C 7.1)But sometimes I just can't get rid of that feeling that if I could just do better. If I could just work harder. If fresh baked bread with butter wasn't just so delicious....wait I digress.
Anyways, thank you so much for giving me this one night that I can go to bed and not feel quite so alone in the way I feel about how hard it is to work at being a "good" diabetic! Thank YOU!

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SUPERDUPER26's Photo SUPERDUPER26 Posts: 1,553
5/30/10 11:23 P

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I'm not the only one?!
Hooray and at the same time, I'm so sorry you feel it too!
I know at camp (a million years ago) they taught us that a number was just a number, its not Good or Bad, and it shouldn't make you feel Good or Bad. And my doctor feels the same, obviously we want numbers that are 100-150 (or whatever), but a number outside that range does not make me a good or a bad person, it only makes me a person with a number of 50 or 350 or whatever the case may be. Not good, not bad. Just is.
But if everything "just is" then why do we get scolded for A1Cs above 7? Why does getting a perfect 100 make me feel accomplished? Why does the entire world feel as though numbers are good or bad, if nobody told them so?
Little judge and jury, big judge and jury.... I maintain that while the physical effects of diabetes can be disastrous, the MENTAL effects, even for those of us who are experienced pros with the disease, are often the worst part. Learning how to accept a number for just a number, and to move on and get about your day is my number one goal. Sure, I'd appreciate numbers in range, but learning to accept what my glucometer says, act on it if it needs acting and move on with my life is something I've not mastered yet. The guilt and sometimes betrayal I feel from a totally out-there number can be mind boggling, and I know that if I let them, they take over my head so that I can't do anything else right, and then my BG spirals out of control even more.
I took a statistics class one semester, and that was actually pretty good for me, because I learned to look at data as just data, and sitting down every night to write down all my numbers for a project was just for a project. I didn't have to feel anything about them, they were just random, collected data. If it were 80* outside would you feel responsible for any bad that came of that? Do you feel guilty when its 40*? I know I don't!
The catch though, is that to some degree we ARE responsible for what our glucometer tells us. If we eat lunch and don't bolus for it, yeah, we are responsible for a reading too high. I know as well as the next one that we can't control EVERYTHING that happens to affect our BG, but separating which parts went into any given reading is nearly impossible, and I tend towards days of taking 100% responsibility, and days of 0%, because I can't figure out how to take charge of only half or a result. Its an ugly system, and a bum deal, but I don't know how to un-train 19 years of "good" vs "bad" into cold hard data that doesn't need to be felt. I know that's what I need to do, but I don't know how to effectively detach without going overboard and just not caring....

Phew!
That was a little bit of a rant, the short version of which is that you're not alone, but I don't know how to fix it. Maybe someone smarter than us will chime in with some mental survival techniques? emoticon

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5/30/10 4:05 P

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Here's the thing...I have recently been told by my doctor and dentist (I grind my teeth) that I should look into treating my anxiety symptoms. Only thing is I don't really feel like I am an anxious person. But I go along with the suggestion and really start to focus on my feelings and my breathing and tension in my muscles and really working to figure out what causes this mild but continuous underlying worry. And you know what? I think I may be on to something!

As a diabetic you get all this information and training on how you are to live and then every couple of hours, everyday, you have to check your blood sugar to see how you are doing. Does anyone else feel like they are facing a tiny little judge and jury? I know that even when I do my best and follow all the rules there are going to be some days that my blood sugar just isn't going to be what I would hope for. But I really think it may that underlying knowledge that I am going to have to "face the meter" as it where that may be causing the sense of worry. I know the teeth grinding and a few other "symptoms" seem to get worse whenever I have a doctors appointment coming up. More judge and jury.

But don't get me wrong, I have a really supportive medical team that are nothing but encouraging and understanding. And my family is always right there to say "don't feel bad". I just can't help feeling like I somehow flunked a test when those numbers aren't were they should be.

Anybody else ever go through this? emoticon

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