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BEAGANT's Photo BEAGANT Posts: 276
8/8/08 12:03 A

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Here's another grandma one...



She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.


She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store

and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,

followed by a thunderous pra yer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,

just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is,

and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

" For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' - What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,


Love, Grandma



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BEAGANT's Photo BEAGANT Posts: 276
4/26/08 5:09 P

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The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair,where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma had a mild stroke, couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi,Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to
the nephew..


"They won't let me fart." emoticon

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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 40,155
3/14/08 11:46 P

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You seem to be a fountain of jokes Fitfigher this one sounds like it belongs with Austin Powers!
Yeah Baby!!

When I find one that is clean enough to print I'll post it.

I'll be baaaack.

Peace and long life - Jules

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3/14/08 10:05 P

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Jake is 5 and learning to read.
He points at a picture in a zoo book and says,
"Look Mama!
It's a frickin' Elephant!"

Deep breath . "What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama!
It says so on the picture!"

and so it does ...

" A f r i c a n Elephant "

Hooked on phonics!!! Ain't it wonderful?


1st Goal - get to 220 lbs

2nd Goal - get to 200 lbs

3rd Goal - to feel fitter and healthier

4th Goal - get to 180 lbs.

5th Goal - fit into my skinnier jeans


 current weight: 240.4 
245
226.25
207.5
188.75
170
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3/14/08 10:03 P

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Italian Arithmetic
An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question.
Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base
of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
(You're going to love this one!!!)
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga come along and shxta by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?

1st Goal - get to 220 lbs

2nd Goal - get to 200 lbs

3rd Goal - to feel fitter and healthier

4th Goal - get to 180 lbs.

5th Goal - fit into my skinnier jeans


 current weight: 240.4 
245
226.25
207.5
188.75
170
FITFIGHTER's Photo FITFIGHTER SparkPoints: (0)
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3/14/08 10:00 P

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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the Stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
"The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same Stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat Patty, And A horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"


1st Goal - get to 220 lbs

2nd Goal - get to 200 lbs

3rd Goal - to feel fitter and healthier

4th Goal - get to 180 lbs.

5th Goal - fit into my skinnier jeans


 current weight: 240.4 
245
226.25
207.5
188.75
170
FITFIGHTER's Photo FITFIGHTER SparkPoints: (0)
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2/22/08 8:43 A

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good one :)

1st Goal - get to 220 lbs

2nd Goal - get to 200 lbs

3rd Goal - to feel fitter and healthier

4th Goal - get to 180 lbs.

5th Goal - fit into my skinnier jeans


 current weight: 240.4 
245
226.25
207.5
188.75
170
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 40,155
2/22/08 6:13 A

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I hope I remember this one correctly.

There was this little kingdom in the Middle East where the rulers son was called the Shan.

As it happens the Shan was also epileptic, and his father hired a bodyguard to protect him in case he fell over and hurt himself.

Well one day the bodyguard was playing a little too much attention to the harem and the Shan had a seizure, fell over and broke his arm.

The ruler called the bodyguard into the palace and before he punished him, he stared at him and asked.

"Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?)

Peace and long life - Jules

Team Leader Rescued/Adopted Dog and Cat Lover's Team

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11/10/07 11:30 A

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Subject: Chinese Food


A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise.'

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes
looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is
happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'


You're going to love this..................







... wait for it ...







'Ah! So solly,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

1st Goal - get to 220 lbs

2nd Goal - get to 200 lbs

3rd Goal - to feel fitter and healthier

4th Goal - get to 180 lbs.

5th Goal - fit into my skinnier jeans


 current weight: 240.4 
245
226.25
207.5
188.75
170
FITFIGHTER's Photo FITFIGHTER SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (1,889)
Posts: 2,875
10/16/07 1:44 P

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Three Guys Go to Heaven
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."



1st Goal - get to 220 lbs

2nd Goal - get to 200 lbs

3rd Goal - to feel fitter and healthier

4th Goal - get to 180 lbs.

5th Goal - fit into my skinnier jeans


 current weight: 240.4 
245
226.25
207.5
188.75
170
FITFIGHTER's Photo FITFIGHTER SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (1,889)
Posts: 2,875
10/15/07 5:12 P

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The Living Statues
Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"



1st Goal - get to 220 lbs

2nd Goal - get to 200 lbs

3rd Goal - to feel fitter and healthier

4th Goal - get to 180 lbs.

5th Goal - fit into my skinnier jeans


 current weight: 240.4 
245
226.25
207.5
188.75
170
FITFIGHTER's Photo FITFIGHTER SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (1,889)
Posts: 2,875
9/29/07 12:24 P

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I need to get your weight today

Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.

Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"

1st Goal - get to 220 lbs

2nd Goal - get to 200 lbs

3rd Goal - to feel fitter and healthier

4th Goal - get to 180 lbs.

5th Goal - fit into my skinnier jeans


 current weight: 240.4 
245
226.25
207.5
188.75
170
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