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8/2/07 10:05 A

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STUN GUN STUNNER

A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again !"

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock.

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid".

1st Goal - get to 220 lbs

2nd Goal - get to 200 lbs

3rd Goal - to feel fitter and healthier

4th Goal - get to 180 lbs.

5th Goal - fit into my skinnier jeans


 current weight: 240.4 
245
226.25
207.5
188.75
170
FITFIGHTER's Photo FITFIGHTER SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (1,889)
Posts: 2,875
8/2/07 9:57 A

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Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing? "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think
.

1st Goal - get to 220 lbs

2nd Goal - get to 200 lbs

3rd Goal - to feel fitter and healthier

4th Goal - get to 180 lbs.

5th Goal - fit into my skinnier jeans


 current weight: 240.4 
245
226.25
207.5
188.75
170
FITFIGHTER's Photo FITFIGHTER SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (1,889)
Posts: 2,875
7/29/07 12:53 P

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surrogate father-a good one





The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith
kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now;
The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in,
embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well,
that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well,
where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple
on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is
fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't
work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time. But if we try several different
positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his
time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes,
but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled
out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was
done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well -
when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to
the park to get the job done right. People were
crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes
wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more
than three hours, too.

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling -
I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached
I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my
equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they
actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're
ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my
Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the
hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.........



1st Goal - get to 220 lbs

2nd Goal - get to 200 lbs

3rd Goal - to feel fitter and healthier

4th Goal - get to 180 lbs.

5th Goal - fit into my skinnier jeans


 current weight: 240.4 
245
226.25
207.5
188.75
170
FITFIGHTER's Photo FITFIGHTER SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (1,889)
Posts: 2,875
7/19/07 10:13 A

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The Titanic Test

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St.Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228."

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

1st Goal - get to 220 lbs

2nd Goal - get to 200 lbs

3rd Goal - to feel fitter and healthier

4th Goal - get to 180 lbs.

5th Goal - fit into my skinnier jeans


 current weight: 240.4 
245
226.25
207.5
188.75
170
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