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626MUSREV's Photo 626MUSREV Posts: 2,784
3/6/09 9:48 A

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The Sunday School teacher was describing how, when Lot and his family were fleeing the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.

One little boy piped up, “My dad looked back once while he was driving. He turned into a telephone pole!”


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LM.JACKSON's Photo LM.JACKSON Posts: 1,989
2/19/09 7:33 P

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I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years ... just getting over the hill.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

IMPORTANCE OF WALKING ...
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60... Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

Lynn
Erie, PA
Rejoined 1/2013 Goal for 12/2012 - lose 58 lbs.
“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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1/28/09 8:19 A

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Summary of Life GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. .. having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.

Edited by: PENGA4 at: 1/28/2009 (08:20)
Penga4


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LM.JACKSON's Photo LM.JACKSON Posts: 1,989
1/27/09 8:12 P

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Economic Stimulus Payment

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set or a new computer, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.



Lynn
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“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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LM.JACKSON's Photo LM.JACKSON Posts: 1,989
1/26/09 10:08 A

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Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the Young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
Makes perfectly good sense to me.... emoticon

Lynn
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Rejoined 1/2013 Goal for 12/2012 - lose 58 lbs.
“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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LM.JACKSON's Photo LM.JACKSON Posts: 1,989
1/24/09 12:16 P

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This heart-warming story should put an end to the canard that golfers are not good husbands.

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack.
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

He quickly calls the clubhouse on his cell phone, and after a brief conversation, picks up his putter and lines up his stroke. His wife looks up from the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," he says calmly.

"They found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband, "Everybody has agreed to let him play through.

Lynn
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“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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WIFEMOMMYCOED's Photo WIFEMOMMYCOED Posts: 176
12/8/08 8:55 P

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I haven't been around for a while, but these brightened my day! I thought I'd help and hopefully give somebody else a smile. Our school secretary sends little jokes on the attendance sheet each day. here is one of her latest:

Building Security has notified us that there have been 5 suspected terrorists working at our office. Four of the five have been apprehended. Bin Sleeping, Bin Loafing, Bin Gossiping, and Bin Surfing have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, Bin Working, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Working will be very easy to spot. They thought they had apprehended Bin Working sitting at a desk, but it was actually Bin Surfing trying to impersonate Bin Working.

Charm is deceptive, beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Proverbs 31:31


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LM.JACKSON's Photo LM.JACKSON Posts: 1,989
12/3/08 4:33 P

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This one's for Becky!!!

The Australian Christmas
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh

Never have a white Christmas
When you in Melbourne live
Wearing hot pants on the beach
When you your presents give

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh

Chestnuts roasting on the sidewalk
Castles in the sand
Eating ice-cream, having good talks
Warm Christmas, isn't that grand?


Lynn
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“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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LM.JACKSON's Photo LM.JACKSON Posts: 1,989
11/25/08 12:44 P

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actually ... it has a little bit of logic to it! It just wouldn't go very well with stuffing!!!

Lynn
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“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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ZOOKEEPER9996's Photo ZOOKEEPER9996 Posts: 431
11/25/08 12:34 P

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The saddest part of that recipe... I would have totally tried it!! emoticon

*Becky*


'Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'
LM.JACKSON's Photo LM.JACKSON Posts: 1,989
11/25/08 12:29 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Lynn
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ZOOKEEPER9996's Photo ZOOKEEPER9996 Posts: 431
11/25/08 12:04 P

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Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try....

4-5 lb. Chicken
1-cup melted butter
1-cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is best)
1-cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT)
Lightly salt and pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, then salt and pepper. Fill the cavity with the stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end towards the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.

And you thought I couldn't cook! :o)

Happy Thanksgiving! emoticon

*Becky*


'Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'
LM.JACKSON's Photo LM.JACKSON Posts: 1,989
10/21/08 10:38 A

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Here's a little Halloween Humor ...

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders.
"And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"
The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender,
"Two bloods and a blood light."

Lynn
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“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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LM.JACKSON's Photo LM.JACKSON Posts: 1,989
9/27/08 2:05 P

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Just Pull The Plug
===================
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

Lynn
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Rejoined 1/2013 Goal for 12/2012 - lose 58 lbs.
“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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ZOOKEEPER9996's Photo ZOOKEEPER9996 Posts: 431
9/24/08 11:33 A

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Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 89 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.


*Becky*


'Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'
LM.JACKSON's Photo LM.JACKSON Posts: 1,989
9/14/08 9:06 P

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WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.





Lynn
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Rejoined 1/2013 Goal for 12/2012 - lose 58 lbs.
“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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LM.JACKSON's Photo LM.JACKSON Posts: 1,989
9/11/08 11:22 A

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emoticon Cute one Becky ... hope you enjoy this one!

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old
rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells, at the top of his lungs.....
Your card! Show him your card!

Edited by: LM.JACKSON at: 9/11/2008 (11:20)
Lynn
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“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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ZOOKEEPER9996's Photo ZOOKEEPER9996 Posts: 431
9/10/08 11:40 A

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls. ' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed, three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem ticked off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh, crap.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.



*Becky*


'Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'
LM.JACKSON's Photo LM.JACKSON Posts: 1,989
9/3/08 9:24 P

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All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.

A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia , they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama.


Lynn
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Rejoined 1/2013 Goal for 12/2012 - lose 58 lbs.
“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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9/2/08 9:02 P

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HOLY E-MAIL

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.' So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.' God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.





Lynn
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“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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ZOOKEEPER9996's Photo ZOOKEEPER9996 Posts: 431
8/21/08 12:26 P

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emoticon The Value of a Drink emoticon
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams.
If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy


*Becky*


'Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'
JOYSGARDEN's Photo JOYSGARDEN SparkPoints: (34,622)
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8/21/08 9:03 A

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YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO DIET WHEN:


You dance and it makes the band skip

You are diagnosed with the flesh-eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live

You put mayonnaise on an aspirin

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts

Your driver's liscense says, "Picture continued on other side."

You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture

You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth

Your graduation picture was an aerial photograph

Your belly button doesn't have lint---it has sweaters

Your cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard

You could sell shade

Your blood type is Ragu

You get on the end of a see-saw and launch your kid into outer space

Your neighbors complain when you hang your underwear out to dry because they lose three hours of sunlight

The ticket lady at Seaworld tells you you're on in five minutes

Your beeper goes off and someone says, "Look out! It's backing up!"

You stand up to get off the bus and three people take your seat!

You stand up and lay down and your height doesn't change!

You jump in the ocean and the whales start singing, "We are family!"

You have to go to Sea World to get baptized!

You have to wear a watch on both arms because you cover two time zones!

You go to the neighbor's to watch home movies and they ask you to wear white!

The weather people start giving names to your farts!

When you turn around they throw you a welcome back party!

You go to a restaurant and instead of giving you a menu they give you an estimate!

The government gives you your own area code!

When you stand on the talking scales they say, "Please step out of the car."

Prudential offers you group insurance!

It takes you two trips to get through a revolving door!

You look in the mirror and you see your rear end without turning around!

The lifeguard asks you to move off the beach to let the tide come in!

You are walking down the street and the police pull up and shout "Break it up!"

Instead of wearing a g-string you have to wear a g-rope!




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8/20/08 10:21 P

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My Dr. told me to exercise more too, but to start slow. Today I drove past the store where they sell sweat pants....


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8/20/08 6:19 P

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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'


Lynn
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“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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8/14/08 5:46 A

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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.


Lynn
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8/5/08 10:46 P

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A Hole Behind You


Bill Bob, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. Bill Bob walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. "I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole." Bill Bob thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and Bill Bob approached her again with the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again Bill Bob thanked her and returned to his play. Bill Bob finished his round and went to the clubhouse where Bill Bob saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

Bill Bob asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. Bill Bob approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also.

What do you sell?"

"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.

"No, I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, Bill Bob laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the barstool.

"See," She said. "I knew you'd laugh!"

"That's not what I'm laughing at," He replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."






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8/5/08 10:07 P

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She's Out for a While

A man was known among his friends to be very brief and to
the point - he really never said too much.

One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of cosmetics
knocked on his door and asked to see his wife. The man told
her that his wife wasn't home.

"Well," replied the saleswoman, "could I please wait for her?"

The man directed her to the front room and left her there for
more than three hours.

The saleswoman was getting really worried, so she called
out to the man in the other room and asked, "May I know
where your wife is?"

"She went to the cemetery," he replied.

"And when is she returning?"

"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven
years now."

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LM.JACKSON's Photo LM.JACKSON Posts: 1,989
7/16/08 10:00 P

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Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are separated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"
"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil. emoticon

"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.

"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"



Edited by: LM.JACKSON at: 7/16/2008 (21:59)
Lynn
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7/14/08 6:12 P

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Lets see ...

Today I was by the lake ... geese and gulls were everywhere Including their p--- ... I was in a crowd of kids and adults ... no seclusion ... yelling and screaming of happy ... and angry children could be heard everywhere ... the water was full of seaweed and goose p--- ... and I had to walk away or I would have dunked one of my kids ... and not let her up!!! emoticon

I like your version better!!! emoticon

Oh yeah ... I also ate chocolate ice cream at Sara's ... that seemed to calm me right down! emoticon

Edited by: LM.JACKSON at: 7/14/2008 (18:10)
Lynn
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ZOOKEEPER9996's Photo ZOOKEEPER9996 Posts: 431
7/14/08 3:23 P

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Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a seven-step stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological texts. Give this one a try!

1. Picture yourself near a stream....

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.....

3. No one but you knows your secret place.....

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic world....

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.....

6. The water is crystal clear.......

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.......

See?

You're smiling already. emoticon

*Becky*


'Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'
LM.JACKSON's Photo LM.JACKSON Posts: 1,989
7/9/08 9:34 A

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Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?" Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Bubbles."

So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?" Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."


Lynn
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“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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7/5/08 5:27 P

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I found this on another site so some of you may have seen this already. For the rest of you ...

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills

Lynn
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LM.JACKSON's Photo LM.JACKSON Posts: 1,989
7/2/08 8:16 A

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MY FIVE NEW BOYFRIENDS!!!
I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day.. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed Then I go to see John .
Then Charlie Horse comes along, & when he is here, he takes a lot of my time & attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and; stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired & glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a life!
Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer and thinking of calling JACK DANIELS or JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company.

Now remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper ...the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes... so have fun, think 'good thoughts' only, learn to laugh at yourself, and...count your blessings!!!!!!!

Edited by: LM.JACKSON at: 7/2/2008 (08:15)
Lynn
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6/30/08 10:09 A

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You know you are getting old when you feel bad in the morning without having any fun the night before!!!

Edited by: LM.JACKSON at: 6/30/2008 (10:08)
Lynn
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6/29/08 11:20 A

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The Haircut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber opens his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. emoticon

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. emoticon

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful'. emoticon

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies ,'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes opens up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress. emoticon

Vote carefully this year.


Lynn
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“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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LOWCALORIES's Photo LOWCALORIES Posts: 4,442
6/26/08 9:10 A

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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'


One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'


To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'


The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'


Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.


When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't I'm impressed!'


Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

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LOWCALORIES's Photo LOWCALORIES Posts: 4,442
6/25/08 8:37 P

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ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
'Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!'
and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says,
'Loosen up,
Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.


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LM.JACKSON's Photo LM.JACKSON Posts: 1,989
6/24/08 10:12 A

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JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab...........

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

Lynn
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“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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6/24/08 9:18 A

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Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

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LM.JACKSON's Photo LM.JACKSON Posts: 1,989
6/18/08 10:19 P

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Men DO Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?", he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said his wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said ... "I would have gotten out today."


Lynn
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“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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6/18/08 4:57 P

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One fellow walked into a doctor's office, and the receptionist asked him what he had. "Shingles," he said. So she took down his name, address and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later, a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. "Shingles," he said. So she took down his height, weight and complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. "Shingles," he said. So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test and an electrocardiogram. Then she told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. "Shingles," he said.

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

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LM.JACKSON's Photo LM.JACKSON Posts: 1,989
6/17/08 8:27 P

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Hmmmm ... here's something to think about!!!

OPEC is charging the US $30 a barrel for crude oil.

OPEC nations buy US grain at $7 a bushel.

Maybe we should charge $28 a bushel for our grain!

If they can't buy it ... then lets make a trade!

Lynn
Erie, PA
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“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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LM.JACKSON's Photo LM.JACKSON Posts: 1,989
6/16/08 2:17 P

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REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I
won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an idiot.


Edited by: LM.JACKSON at: 6/16/2008 (14:17)
Lynn
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JOYSGARDEN's Photo JOYSGARDEN SparkPoints: (34,622)
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6/15/08 4:55 P

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Nathan is talking to his lawyer. "here's the deal, Frank. If you're absoultely sure I'll win the case, I'll give you the business."

"OK," says Frank, "but before I can give you my opinion, I need to know all the facts."

So Nathan goes into great detail about his failed partnership and ends up saying, "So now you've heard everything, do you think I can sue my partner and get my money back?"

"Well," replies Frank, "from what I've just heard, it's clear to me that you will win. It's rare to have such an open and shut case."

Nathan goes very white when he hears this.

"What's the matter" asks Frank.

Nathan replies, "I told you my partner's side of the case".


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6/15/08 10:46 A

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Just one more (I couldn't resist)!

A father was at the beach with his children when his 4 year old ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and lead him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" he asked. "He died and went to Heaven." the dad replied.

The son thought for a moment and then said "Did God throw him back down?"



Lynn
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6/15/08 10:36 A

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A little something for Father's Day!!!

Our Gen-X daughter, Cristie, made my husband a Father's Day card entitled "Things My Dad Would Never Say." Such as:

"Can you turn up that music?"

"Go ahead and take my truck. Here's 50 bucks for gas."

"I LOVE your tattoo. We should both get new ones."

"Here, you take the remote."



Lynn
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Rejoined 1/2013 Goal for 12/2012 - lose 58 lbs.
“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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LM.JACKSON's Photo LM.JACKSON Posts: 1,989
6/8/08 9:45 A

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These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when
a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't
reach that far . .



Lynn
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“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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5/30/08 4:25 P

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Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school ... "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

Lynn
Erie, PA
Rejoined 1/2013 Goal for 12/2012 - lose 58 lbs.
“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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CARRA-BOO's Photo CARRA-BOO Posts: 51
5/27/08 1:46 P

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Ralph & Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool & stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom & pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news & bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in & saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself - I put him there to dry - How soon can I go home?"

"Life is not about how fast you run or with what degree of grace. It is about perseverance, about staying on your feet and slogging forward no matter what."


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5/18/08 8:38 P

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An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"



emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Edited by: LM.JACKSON at: 5/18/2008 (20:37)
Lynn
Erie, PA
Rejoined 1/2013 Goal for 12/2012 - lose 58 lbs.
“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.” ~William Shakespeare


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CARRA-BOO's Photo CARRA-BOO Posts: 51
5/16/08 8:11 P

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A young boy enters a pharmacy with his father and while walking down the isles spots the condoms. "What are these Daddy?" asks the boy.

"Those are condoms son, they protect you from disease when you are having sex."

"Oh, ok."says the boy. "Why does this box have three in it?

"Those are for high school boys son. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Great dad, then why does this box have six?"

"Those are for the college boys. Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

Sure dad, then why does this box have 12?"

Those my bo are for married men...One for January, one for February, one for March.."

Heard that on the radio!

"Life is not about how fast you run or with what degree of grace. It is about perseverance, about staying on your feet and slogging forward no matter what."


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JOYSGARDEN's Photo JOYSGARDEN SparkPoints: (34,622)
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5/3/08 11:00 P

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Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him.

The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'piρata?

Happy

Cinco De

Mayo!!!! :-D





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5/3/08 4:07 P

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Here is a good place to tell a funny joke ... or funny story ... real or fiction.

I'll start:

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T


I used to like Eric.............


Lynn
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