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LYNNDEBLOCK's Photo LYNNDEBLOCK Posts: 134
4/26/12 8:03 P

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I know the posts I read are slightly old but I am so grateful to have read them. I am trying to homeschool my 16 yr old son, who is bipolar/ADHD and his probation officer and counselor have brought up job corps as a poosible option for him if this doesn't work out. He also has a few of the same authority issues going on that I read about. His stepdad John whom I am still married to and have been since my son was 3 (his real father and I divorced then and he has not been in the picture since, and my current husband has raised my son ever since) anyways John and Nigel have had so many ups and downs since Nigel(my son) turned 13, John said he cannot take it anymore and refuses to even be in the same room with Nigel. He allows him to live with us (we have 3 other kids too, all girls, 14,11 and 2) But Nigel has pushed John too far and this last time John said he could live here until he was 18 as long as he doesn't have to see him or talk to him. (My husband works night shift so he sleeps during the day and is gone at night) It is just really hard on the rest of the family though. Anyways I am glad to hear that I am not the only one struggling with laziness and lack of motivation, and hounding for privaleges lost....

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HOUNDLOVER1's Photo HOUNDLOVER1 Posts: 8,869
11/12/11 1:03 A

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I'm homeschooling a teenage girl and we don't have discipline issues very often. I really can't speak to how to handle boys from experience other than that it is normal for them to test their independence. I have studied education and especially behavior modification and can say that punishment will have to be severe to be effective and it will always hurt the relationship. Therefore I think it is better to really find out what motivates a kid by listening to them and giving them positive feedback for what they do right. I know, easier said then done, but it makes for a much better relationship.
We have strict daily limits for online time and TV time of a total of 1 hour/day for both, not as punishment, but because it distracts from learning and creativity.

Birgit

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9/12/11 12:46 P

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Consistency is definitely key. I can definitely look back and see that the more I slack off, the more he slacks off in return.

~Barb~
Florida - Eastern Time Zone

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I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace. Numbers 6:24-26


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9/12/11 11:42 A

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Today will be the second day with the time limit. On Thursday, my husband got caught up in a flash flood, then later in the day we evacuated our area because of the flooding in our area, so with everything going on we just got back to schooling today (day 2 of the time limit). Back on day 1, he I suppose thought I was joking, but when the work was not done by 5, and there was no tv, video games, etc. he seemed to have it sink in a little more that we were serious and following through. Yes, he balked and asked a few times to play a game or watch tv, but after losing the iPod even longer for nagging, it was a shorter lived balking that I think he'd have normally resorted to. It was still not ideal, but I think over time it may end up working with him, I've also realized I say "this is the last time I am telling you" too many times which undercuts my credibility, so I am sticking to it being "the last time". I am thinking that the more changes that I make myself, his should follow suit (I am hoping :) )

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9/12/11 9:35 A

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Have you been able to stick with a time limit with consequences for failing to be finished in time? That has worked out extremely well for my son.

~Barb~
Florida - Eastern Time Zone

www.fitbit.com/user/23L434

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace. Numbers 6:24-26


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9/12/11 9:07 A

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Oh, he definitely knows which buttons to push. I am trying to be better with how I respond when he presses certain ones that get me going more than others. Yes, his father and I are married, and have been all of his life (and prior), so he's here in the home, and our son tests boundaries with him as well, he definitely shows more respect for him.

We've approached the goals topic many times, and he needs to get more focused with that; as it stands now he has no real plans, which as was pointed out will be an issue when he's an adult in a few sort years.

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STRNGNGRNDED's Photo STRNGNGRNDED Posts: 6,576
9/11/11 7:18 P

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He's definitely testing his boundaries which is completely normal; some just test it a little more than others. What concerns me is the lack of respect he's showing you. Is his father in his life? If he knew the consequences of losing his iPod and then hounded you for hours afterwards, there should also be a consequence for the hounding. Does he know which buttons to push to get what he wants?
What are his goals in life and what is he doing to obtain them? If he doesn't have goals, then what will he do in three years when he will technically be an adult? This is not the time for him to be slacking off.
My now 25 year ds pushed my buttons and I had to use tough love with him. When he was in bootcamp he called me thanking me for all I did and made him do. LOL

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DRAWNTHISWAY's Photo DRAWNTHISWAY Posts: 3,007
9/7/11 3:18 P

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Email kirk martin for advice... I have to admit he is a "go to" object when it comes to parenting struggles. Some of his free presentations have been uploaded to youtube. you can find resources about him at facebook ( http://www.facebook.com/CelebrateCalm ), and on the websites http://www.calmchristianparenting.com/ and http://celebratecalm.com/ I'm not perfect. I can't say I apply his ideas perfectly, but I can say that when I listen to his ideas they appeal to both how I thought as a child and now that i'm an adult....

Mary,
mom to 4 beautiful children that deserve a healthy and active mother



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9/7/11 10:25 A

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LOL I hear ya. I apologize to my mom quite a bit and regret that my dad passed away before I ever really got to comprehend the hell I put them through and could apologize to him too. I was a horrible teenager, but I take comfort and solace in knowing that my mom and I are best friends now. I still can't believe we can even stand each other after the horrible things I put them through as a teenager. I am also thankful that my son is not as bad as I was at his age, but I think that has a lot to do with the firmness, strictness and consistency he's been given. My parents were more of the sort to let us do what we wanted with few rules, little boundaries and insignificant punishments that never were followed through, my husband's parents were opposite since his dad was career air force and he grew up in the military environment. So I think between the two of us we manage a nice compromise. More love and compassion and forgiveness than he had, and more discipline and structure than I had.

~Barb~
Florida - Eastern Time Zone

www.fitbit.com/user/23L434

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace. Numbers 6:24-26


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9/7/11 9:38 A

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Thanks so much for the insights :)

The male influence is so true, he does test the waters with my husband, however my dad he is an angel for - one time my son was talking back and stopped mid-sentence when he saw my dad within earshot.

Today I am beginning the be done by 5 approach; I am feeling today will be a challenge since I am sure he will resist the more rigid structure, but I the 'go at your own pace' sure isn't working. My longing for the earlier homeschool years was depressing thinking how eager and well behaved he was when he was younger (even just a few years ago) compared to now. Teens are tough; I never realized until my son became a teen just how tough the teen years are on parents too (I sort of feel compelled to apologize to my own parents!).




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9/6/11 10:44 P

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Michele, he stays up till 11pm so that's 6 hours of free time. Besides he is usually done hours earlier than 5pm. We just chose 5pm as the absolute cut off point because that is what time Dad gets home from work and we figure if Dad can do a full day's work by 5pm, than so can the kiddo. Fortunately it only took a few times of him seeing if he can get away with being late or not to figure out he can't mess around and put off his school work. It works for us and was necessary since he used to just sit there doing nothing, playing with pencils, day dreaming and wasting time. Some days he's start at 8am and not finish until 9pm and it wasn't that his work was too hard or too much, he just wouldn't do it. This child needs a strict schedule and deadlines and consistent punishment or he tends to get extremely lazy and that doesn't go well with my husband's ex-Marine personality.

~Barb~
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I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace. Numbers 6:24-26


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GIRLINBRAZIL's Photo GIRLINBRAZIL Posts: 6,903
9/6/11 8:48 P

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Same problems over here. I have a 14 y.o. and a 15 y.o. as well as an 11 y.o. - all boys. I think the time comes in each boy's life that they feel they must rise up and fight to prove themselves. I often think perhaps I should send them to military school!

I'd say - give your boy much less time to the mother who gives him until 5 pm to get things done. Then you'll have more daylight hours to use as leverage!



“Fear arises when we imagine that everything depends on us.” E. Elliot


HEIDISHOPE's Photo HEIDISHOPE Posts: 2,051
9/6/11 5:15 P

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14 and 15 yo boys are soooo hard! Some days they seem to be maturing and then the next day they act like 2 year olds! LOL

I agree---it is time to be firm and consistent. Don't be afraid of slammed doors, punched walls, a bit of mouthiness, etc. His battle isn't really with you as his mom--he's battling a spiritual battle. Stay calm and don't let him get your emotions going. Nothing that comes out of his mouth when he's mad is true--it's his emotions talking.
Honestly his attitude towards your authority stinks right now and a male in his life (dad, grandpa, minister) needs to bring him back in line. If there is no male, sometimes a long drive in the car through the country breaks down barriers and allows for talking through issues (YOU driving, not him!) more calmly. Pray for wisdom and the right approach and words.

(((hug)))




Blessings,
Heidi

Proverbs 3: 5-8 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. "




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9/6/11 3:10 P

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When my son pesters me about a punishment, he gets more time added, or additional punishment. I do not have much for patience and I do not tolerate him annoying me. We do tell him the duration of any given punishment right away so there's no question.

He gets his assignments every morning and he has until 5pm to get them finished. He cannot play any video games, use his computer, or have any free time until school is done. If he does not get finished by 5pm, then he loses the use of his video games and computer, until the next school day. This especially stinks for a Friday when I had the most trouble with him, so he now works twice as hard on Fridays. Since he has been doing well this year, I've allowed him to listen to music while doing vocabulary words. He has actually been choosing to get up earlier than is required so that he can get his work done earlier and be sure to get his play time in.

He just turned 16 by the way. We've been home schooling for 5 years.

Teenagers are a pain. You have to be firm, and consistent. They are smart little buggers and if you give them an inch they will attempt to take 20 miles.

~Barb~
Florida - Eastern Time Zone

www.fitbit.com/user/23L434

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace. Numbers 6:24-26


 current weight: 226.0 
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9/6/11 2:58 P

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My son has been homeschooled since he was 8 years old; he is now 15, and the change is like night and day. With the onset of high school last year, he has absolutely zero motivation and does the bare minimum. The only thing he shows an interest in anymore is the internet, iPod, and games. I try to incorporate those elements in to schooling,but still, he is not interested. This cannot continue like this - I would hate to have to resort to no longer homeschooling, but I cannot have every day be a struggle.

Additionally there is an issue with talking back, and refusing to admit when he is wrong ... all issues that are making each day a struggle. For example today the result for his talking back was losing the iPod, which led to his FOR HOURS hounding asking when he is getting it back. I explained the consequences for his behavior and it's more of the same, which is him simply saying he didn't do anything wrong and saying he is not sorry for anything he's ever done. I am at my wit's end.

I was wondering if any other parents of teens have any suggestions for coping or how to approach this to make things better.

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