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SASSYSAX's Photo SASSYSAX Posts: 41,733
4/22/10 11:56 P

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If you are 30, or older, you might think this is
hilarious! It's amazing how much things have changed in the last 30 years.
*************
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with
their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were
growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every
morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids
about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I
can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it
so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know
how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If
we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up
ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a
letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street
and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!
Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents
beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had
permission to spank us! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you
wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it
yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the
radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and screw it all
up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play
our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would
come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled,
Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were
on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's
it!

There weren't any cell phones either. If you left your house, you just didn't make a call or receive one. You actually had to
be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY!!! Think of the horror... not
being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah,
right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the
phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your
parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection
agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your
chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games
with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little
square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no
multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you
could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster
and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find
out what was on! You were outta luck when it came to channel surfing!
You had to get off your rear end and walk over to the TV to change the
channel!!! NO REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get
cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to
wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rats!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat
something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all
day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back
seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across
the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your
head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place.

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't
have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd


Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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SASSYSAX's Photo SASSYSAX Posts: 41,733
4/21/10 12:10 A

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They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice ..
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'



Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




 current weight: 129.2 
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133.25
130.5
127.75
125
SASSYSAX's Photo SASSYSAX Posts: 41,733
4/15/10 12:36 P

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An antelope and a lion entered a diner and too a booth near the window. When the waiter approached, the antelope said, " I'll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes."
"And what will your friend have?"
"Nothing," replied the antelope.
The waiter persisted," Isn't he hungry?"
"Hey, if he was hungry." said the antelope,"would I be sitting here?"


Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




 current weight: 129.2 
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SASSYSAX's Photo SASSYSAX Posts: 41,733
4/6/10 1:02 P

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When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what had caused the accident. " I really can't remember," the snail replied. "You see, it all happened so fast!" emoticon

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




 current weight: 129.2 
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SASSYSAX's Photo SASSYSAX Posts: 41,733
3/27/10 1:51 P

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Kid's Talk To God In Prayer

1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and
Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda

2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for
was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Joyce

3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people
to come apart I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet

4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will
tell me.
Love Alison

5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you?
Charlene

6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses
his golf words in the house?
Anita

7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in
the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can
never do it.
Nancy

8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them.
You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too.
Glenn

9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was
a little boy. How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis

10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If
you don't, who does?
Nathan

11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was
it an accident?
Norma

12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer

13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old
days and don't do any now?
Billy

14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer
camp this year.
Peter

15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other
so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK
with me and my brother.
Larry

16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come
yet. What's up? Don't forget.
Mark

17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but
it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha

18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you
my new shoes.
Barbara

19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just
know him through the business?
Donny

20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God
than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just
saying that because you are already God.
Charles

21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in
the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff

22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really !!!!
Frank

( And, saving the best for last )

23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw
the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool.
Thomas



Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




 current weight: 129.2 
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133.25
130.5
127.75
125
SASSYSAX's Photo SASSYSAX Posts: 41,733
3/20/10 2:34 P

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To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are
our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is
something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort
from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to
His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve. we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering
why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you? " said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it! " Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that
Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern
was set and it has never changed.


Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




 current weight: 129.2 
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133.25
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127.75
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SASSYSAX's Photo SASSYSAX Posts: 41,733
3/18/10 12:30 P

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Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden......Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.


But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.



Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




 current weight: 129.2 
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SASSYSAX's Photo SASSYSAX Posts: 41,733
3/13/10 8:03 P

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A TRUE IRISH GHOST STORY

This happened a while ago in Belfast , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock story, it's true.

John Bradford, a 20 yr old Queen's University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No cars were traveling that night. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.....

"Look Paddy...there's that freakin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushin' it."


Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




 current weight: 129.2 
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133.25
130.5
127.75
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SASSYSAX's Photo SASSYSAX Posts: 41,733
3/9/10 1:07 P

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Never Be Late

A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh



Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




 current weight: 129.2 
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133.25
130.5
127.75
125
SASSYSAX's Photo SASSYSAX Posts: 41,733
3/7/10 3:19 P

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March 7

Laundry Complaint

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




 current weight: 129.2 
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133.25
130.5
127.75
125
SASSYSAX's Photo SASSYSAX Posts: 41,733
3/5/10 10:29 A

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March 5

Allergy Medicine

During a revival, the visiting evangelist arrived without his allergy medicine.

Our pastor put him in touch with a doctor in our church for an emergency prescription to get him through the week. The evangelist was so appreciative of the doctor that during the last service, he recommended the doctor to the entire crowd. The ensuing laughter was a mystery to him until after the service.

That was when the host pastor informed him that he had just recommended the local OB-GYN.


Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




 current weight: 129.2 
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133.25
130.5
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SASSYSAX's Photo SASSYSAX Posts: 41,733
3/4/10 2:11 A

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March 4

Undies

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them

Mom said : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".

Susie said: " I know they do .... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!


Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




 current weight: 129.2 
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133.25
130.5
127.75
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SASSYSAX's Photo SASSYSAX Posts: 41,733
2/26/10 10:44 A

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My brother sent me this one.

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this: My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George. After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00. I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high. I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use 'But we didn't use them. ''Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says. But we didn't go to any of those shows.’ 'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies. No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, 'But we didn't use it!' The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. I write a cheque and give it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. ''But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'' ''That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.' 'But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. 'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'



Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




 current weight: 129.2 
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133.25
130.5
127.75
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SASSYSAX's Photo SASSYSAX Posts: 41,733
2/25/10 3:09 P

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Feb 25

Praying for Leroy

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for
Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday.




Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




 current weight: 129.2 
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133.25
130.5
127.75
125
SASSYSAX's Photo SASSYSAX Posts: 41,733
2/23/10 9:59 A

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Feb 23

Wire Guard

Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electric wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, I was assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of a downed wire.

It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to protect the public.

Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the wires, then, laughing, descended toward me.

"Well, Officer," one of them said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all night."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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2/22/10 4:30 P

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Feb 22

A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as, "Take with food," and "Take with water."

At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels.

Days later he noticed that one member of the class had struck one of them onto his chemistry textbook.

It read:

"Caution: May cause extreme drowsiness."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh



Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




 current weight: 129.2 
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2/18/10 11:55 A

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Feb 18

Note From The Judge

During court one busy day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."

Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.

Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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2/17/10 11:38 A

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Feb 17

My brother sent me 4 in one e-mail today so here they are.
*****************

A veterinarian was also an amateur geneticist. One day,
one of his experiments paid off.
He successfully combined
The DNA of a cantaloupe with that of a dog. The result
was a small, round dog with orange-tinted fur.
For many years, the dog was happy. But over time,
he became lethargic and morose. The vet tried
everything to cure the dog's depression.
Eventually, he decided to take the dog to a pet
psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told the veterinarian
not to worry. The dog was just a little melon collie.
_____________

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After
she woke up, she told her husband, "I just
dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for
Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said. That evening,
the man came home with a small package and gave it
to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to
find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
_________________

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward,
to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher
asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my
hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear,
and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and
prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands,
stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don't know, reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday".
_______________
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do
you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,"
replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me
give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil
is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the
father of lawyers,'... so I let it go...."



Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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2/15/10 11:50 A

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A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."


Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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2/13/10 10:42 A

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Feb. 13

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,

And every year Ken would say,

'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair,

and Ken said,

'Edna, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied,

"Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Ken replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Edna fell out,

But you know,

"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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2/11/10 11:39 A

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Retarded Grandparents

Ater Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchil

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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2/6/10 12:36 P

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Feb 6

The Bathtub Test.

During a visit to the senior’s home, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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2/5/10 3:06 P

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Feb. 5

Sound familiar?

A group of 40 year-old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Gasthaus Gutenberger restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because that would be a great idea since they had never been there before.



Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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2/4/10 3:27 P

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During Operation Desert Storm, I was a legislative affairs officer for Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf. Often I was required to transport gifts, sent to him from patriotic Amerians, from Washington, D.C., to his home base in Florida. On one trip I "escorted" a four-foot teddy bear dressed in fatigues and wearing a name tag reading "Bear," the general's nickname.

As I boarded the plane, I explained my mission to the flight attendant and asked if she could store the bear in first class. She was honored to do so, and I disappeared into the coach section. Then, just before takeoff, an announcement came over the intercom: "Colonel Preast, would you please come up to first class? We have an extra seat for you to sit next to your teddy bear."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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1/25/10 6:06 P

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Jan 25

I saw this one on another team.

Lying is a Sin

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."




Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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SASSYSAX's Photo SASSYSAX Posts: 41,733
1/22/10 9:29 P

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This is a true story!

The only way they were able to get Sal off the list was by sending in a letter from his vet.

It's a civic duty many of us try to avoid - jury duty. But Sal Esposito has a really good excuse. He's a cat.

Somehow, Sal was placed on a list of potential jurors and his owners in Boston are having trouble getting him off of it. They tried mailing in an exemption form stating Sal doesn't speak English. But Sal was denied his exemption!

The only way they were able to get Sal off the list was by sending in a letter from his vet explaining he's a feline.


Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




 current weight: 129.2 
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1/22/10 3:36 P

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Jan 22

Cake Make Up

On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.

One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet-cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.

Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my cornbread go?" he shouted.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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1/19/10 12:07 P

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Jan 19

This Week's Funny
Bee Flat

In a college music theory class one warm spring day, the other students and I were having a hard time concentrating. The heat was oppressive and a wasp buzzed threateningly above our heads.

The teacher—oblivious to the dive-bombing menace—continued lecturing while the rest of us dodged and swatted at the invader. Finally, it landed on one student's open book. With a quick slap, he snapped the text shut, killing the wasp. The professor, startled, looked up. "What was that?" she asked, annoyed. Thinking quickly, the killer answered sheepishly, "A bee flat."

—Paul M. Hampton, Cold Spring, Kentucky. Christian Reader, "Lite Fare."

Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.



Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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1/18/10 10:03 A

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This came to me in all caps. I didn't do that!

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HI T THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.


Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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1/13/10 1:04 P

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Blonde Password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using

the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyDeweyLouieDonaldGoo
fy
Sacramento


When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it

had & to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.


Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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1/11/10 1:18 P

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Jan 11

Murphy's Laws of Law Enforcement

New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy.

You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.

Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.

The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.

Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom".

Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.

To err is human, to forgive is against department policy.

Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.

If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for directions.

Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.

Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.

Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.

Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.

Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff.

If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.

The speed with which you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.

Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy.

Bullet proof vests might be.

Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




 current weight: 129.2 
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1/8/10 2:57 P

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Jan. 8

Wake Up!

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am".

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed..it said...

"It is 5:00 am, wake up!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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1/7/10 12:37 P

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Jan 7

When short hemlines came back into fashion, a woman dug an old miniskirt out of her closet. She tried it on, but couldn't figure out what to do with the other leg! emoticon

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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1/5/10 3:28 P

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Jan 5

Prayerful But Unsatisfied

When our granddaughter was four, she came to the table one day in a disgruntled mood. She complained loudly about every dish on the table. Hoping to change the mood, her mother suggested that she give the blessing. After a sullen pause, she prayed, "OK, God, I forgive you for this food."


Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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LLBRCFAN's Photo LLBRCFAN Posts: 4,886
1/3/10 3:13 P

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Sorry I havent been on for a few days. Just enjoyed reading the last few ones you have posted. So many are missing out on some good cute clean jokes and humor,. I know I sure am enjoying them

Shirley
Team Leader
Any Nascar Fans Out There? Team


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1/2/10 10:59 A

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Happy New Year!

Jan 1, 2010

Dog Calls

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back . . .

"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




 current weight: 129.2 
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12/31/09 10:53 A

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Dec. 31

Drug Store Qurstions

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.

He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers: "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases."

Pharmacist: "Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have the works."

Jacob: "You have loose bladder and gas pills?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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12/29/09 11:12 A

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Maybe they're not aware this thread exists. Oh well, at least you are enjoying them. Thanks for reading them.

Dec. 29

Directions

A friend was thinking about buying a new house in the country and asked me to come out and look at it. We found the town, but we couldn't locate the road. We drove over to city hall, where a community get-together was going on, and asked around, but no one had heard of the road. Even the policemen and fire personnel were stumped.

We went in to city hall and consulted a map, with no luck, until finally one young man came to our aid. He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to get there. I thanked the young man and asked if he was with the police or fire department.

"Neither," he replied. "I deliver pizzas."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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12/25/09 2:52 P

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Thanks Elayne. Perfect for today. Shame more dont read these and post.

Shirley
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12/25/09 1:45 P

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emoticon !!!MERRY CHRISMAS!!!

'Twas the night of Christmas, But I just couldn't sleep. I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep The leftovers beckoned The dark meat and white, But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation, The thought of a snack became infatuation! So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door, And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes. I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!!

I crashed through the ceiling, floated into the sky With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie, But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees ...

HAPPY EATING TO ALL,
PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE!! emoticon

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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12/25/09 12:08 A

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Thanks Elayne. Sorry I didnt post last night. Busy.

Glad I checked tonight needed a smile. will be glad when Christmas is over. Just too hectic,

Shirley
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12/24/09 11:06 A

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Dec. 24

Top 10 things to say about a holiday gift you don't like:

10) Hey! There's a gift.

9.) Well, well, well...

8.) Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.

7.) Perfect for wearing in the basement.

6.) Wow, I hope this never catches fire!

5.) If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4.) I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3.) Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

2.) To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1.) I really don't deserve this.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh emoticon

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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12/23/09 12:46 A

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Dec. 23

Child Draws Humorous Picture of Christmas

A little girl came home from Sunday school waving a paper for her mother to see. "Look Mommy," she exclaimed, "Teacher says I drew the most unusual Christmas picture she ever saw!"

Her mother took one look and had to agree with the teacher. Hoping her daughter could explain her creation, the mother asked, "Why are all these people riding in the back of an airplane?"

"Well, Mommy, that's the flight into Egypt."

Accepting that, mother asked another question: "Who is this mean-looking man in the front?"

Her daughter answered quickly and knowingly: "That's Pontius, the Pilot."

Looking at the picture even more closely, the mother said, "I see you have Mary and Joseph and the baby. But who is this large man sitting behind Mary?"

"Can't you tell?" the little girl asked, beginning to shake her head in disappointment. "That's Round John Virgin."

—John Beukema, Chambersburg, Pennsylvania


emoticon

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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12/22/09 5:15 P

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Thanks Elayne. With all the changes being made everywhere. Those for the north pole were so cute and they fit right in.

Shirley
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Dec. 22

Organizational Changes at the North Pole

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
emoticon

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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12/19/09 11:50 A

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Elayne thanks for that laugh this morning. I really needed it.

Shirley
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12/19/09 1:01 A

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Dec. 19

Christmas Riches

Rick, my husband, and I had a hectic holiday schedule encompassing careers, teenagers, shopping, and all the required doings of the season.

Running out of time, I got the stationer to print our signature on our Christmas cards, instead of signing each one.

Soon we started getting cards from friends signed "The Modest Morrisons," "The Clever Clarks," and "The Successful Smiths."

Then it hit me.

I had mailed out a hundred cards neatly imprinted with "Happy Holidays from the Rich Armstrongs."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
emoticon

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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12/18/09 12:20 A

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Yep Elayne women should be santa clause. Thanks for that. Good one

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12/17/09 11:43 P

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Sorry Guys..I've been off a few days!! Oops..a week! Yikes. Here's some more clean Christmas humor.

Dec. 17

Why Women Would Love Being Santa Claus

1. You'd never be expected to make the coffee.

2. There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.

3. You could grow a gut the size of Fat Albert's and consider it a job requirement.

4. One big black belt - accessorized for life!

5. There'd be no reason to have your colors done.

6. Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.

7. Should people suggest your belly jiggled... that is when you giggled... like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.

8. You'd always work in sensible footwear.

9. There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty 'Ho! Ho! Ho!', would remind everyone who's boss.

10. You wouldn't need an expensive briefcase.

11. No one would dare ask for a ride to work.

12. Never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip showing.

13. No more trips to the vending machine... you'd just snack on milk and cookies all day.

14. You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.

15. Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teen-agers would want to sit in your lap.

16. You'd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.

17. Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.

18. You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.

19. No one would ask to see your job description.

20. Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better not pout.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Edited by: SASSYSAX at: 12/17/2009 (23:44)
Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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LLBRCFAN's Photo LLBRCFAN Posts: 4,886
12/17/09 1:04 A

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my rim came in yesterday and I got it put on my car today. Boy does my car feel better without that donut on it. I feel safer now also
Where are some more clean humor. Getting close to Christmas and need things like that to help cheer us up.

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12/12/09 5:24 P

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The rim I bought for my car was to be in yesterday and guess fedx is too busy it didnt come in. Its so dreary out looks like rain but so far none. So this one sure helped to cheer me up today.

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12/10/09 9:44 A

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Glad you're doing ok now Shirley.

Dec. 10

Check The List

Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping.

As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could make it that Friday.

So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went and picked her up.

As she settled into the car, her face dropped.

"Thanks a lot!" she sulked.

Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the Turkey."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh



Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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12/9/09 3:35 P

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Wow 2 good ones yesterday. Glad I waited till today to read them as I needed cheering up today. Doing okay now. Thanks



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emoticon

Dec. 9

Hoofing Santa

Last year at Christmas time, I dressed up in my Santa suit and after greeting my children, my wife asked the kids if they wanted to take Santa to a relative's house.

They said yes.

So I got in the minivan and went to the relative's house. While at their house, my son started misbehaving, so I said in the most bass voice I could muster.

"Son, you better behave or Santa won't bring you any presents."

My innocent 5 y/o son turned to my wife and said,

"Mommy Santa's walking home."


Edited by: SASSYSAX at: 12/9/2009 (13:52)
Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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12/8/09 10:00 P

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A piece of string goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't allow string in this bar."
Dejected, the string leaves the bar and takes a seat outside on the curb. The string is overcome by despair and begins sobbing violently on the street, his body twisting and turning as he ties himself into knots over the rejection.
To add to his despair, a stray dog grabs him by the head and shakes him violently – tugging him like a toy and shredding his hair.
The string eventually regains his composure, stands up and dusts himself off.
"I won't allow that bartender to do that to me," he declares.
Walking back into the bar, he sits back down in the same seat. The bartender yells, "Hey! Aren't you that string I just threw out?"
The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."


There was much rejoicing!


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12/8/09 12:13 P

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Elayne thanks and hope it makes lots stop and think but if not that last line says it all

Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!



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Dec. 8
I thought this might help us stay on track so we won't feel this way after Christmas!-Elayne

Christmas Treats

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd not said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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12/6/09 1:30 A

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Another good one. Yep them twinkies will add the weight every time


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Dec. 5

"Darn!" the man said to his pal while weighing himself in a drugstore. " I began this diet yesterday, but the scale says I'm heavier. Here,Norm, hold my jacket...It still says I'm heavier. Here, hold my Twinkies." emoticon

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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12/4/09 9:06 P

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Maybe so. I'm glad you are enjoying them though and thanks for letting me know. emoticon

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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12/4/09 6:12 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon Thanks Elayne. Its a shame more are not enjoying these. Maybe they are just not posting.




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Dec. 4

While drinking at the lake the young bear admired his reflection and growled," I am the king of the beasts."

Along comes a lion and roars, " What was that I just heard?"

"Oh dear," says the bear, "you say strange things when you've had too mush to drink." emoticon

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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12/3/09 9:13 P

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Another good one. My laugh for the day.


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Dec. 3

"Don't tell me to reduce, Doc," said the man after his examination. "I just can't take those diets."

"No problem," said the doctor. "I'm prescribing you an exercise machine."

"Really? What kind?"

" A rack. For your weight, you should be a foot and a half taller."
-Gene Newman-

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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12/3/09 7:08 P

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I agree. I so look forward to these jokes. They put a smile on my face everyday.


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12/3/09 5:28 P

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I really love this thread, but I don't get things that are appropriate to post in it nearly as often as I'd like. emoticon

There was much rejoicing!


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12/2/09 11:30 P

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Cute cute cute




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12/2/09 11:03 P

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Dec. 2

Did you hear about the man who was arrested for paying his check at a cafeteria with a counterfeit 10-dollar bill?

He had been served decaffeinated coffee with a nondairy creamer and an artificial sweetener. emoticon

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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12/1/09 11:24 P

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Thanks Val for yours. very good answer from the kid. They know what they can get from nana. always

Elayne I love that one. It really caught me by surprise and almost choked on my coffee.

Keep them coming. We all need something to laugh at.

Shirley
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12/1/09 8:06 P

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Yep, that's what I would ask my Nana. Good kid!! emoticon

There's a new garlic diet around. You don't lose weight, but you look thinner from a distance! emoticon

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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12/1/09 7:02 P

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A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was very insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother, it was not expected of him to call her "Sir."

"You would say, 'Yes Sir,' to a man, and since I am a lady, and you would say, 'Yes Ma'am,' to me," his mom said.

To quiz him on his lesson, she then asked, "What would you say to Daddy?"

"Yes, Sir!" was the reply.

"Then what would you say to Mama?"

"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.

"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"

He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"


Edited by: VALI_T at: 12/1/2009 (19:04)
There was much rejoicing!


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11/30/09 7:13 P

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Thanks Elayne you jokes are the highlight of my day. Keep them coming



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11/30/09 5:03 P

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emoticon


Nov. 30

Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? They fought tooth and nail! emoticon

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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LLBRCFAN's Photo LLBRCFAN Posts: 4,886
11/29/09 12:13 A

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Thanks Elayne another very good one. Amen to all of it.


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11/28/09 9:14 P

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Nov. 28

God's Voice Mail

We have all learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary part
of modern life. But, have you wondered, what if God decided to
install voice mail?

Imagine praying and hearing this:
Thank you for calling My Father's House.
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for All Other Inquiries.

What if God used the familiar excuse..."I'm sorry, all of our angels
are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is
important to us and will be answered in the order it was received,
so please stay on the line"

Can you imagine getting these responses as you call God in
Prayer?

If you would like to speak to:
Gabriel, Press 1
Michael, Press 2
For a directory of other angels, Press 3
If you'd like to hear King David sing a psalm while you are holding,
please press 4.
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven,
Press 5, enter his or her social security number, then
press the pound key. (If you get a negative response, try
area code 666.)
For reservations at "My Father's House" please enter J-O-H-N,
followed by 3-1-6.

What if you heard, our computers show that you have already
prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.
( or )
This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious
holiday. Please pray again Monday after 9:30 AM. If you need
emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact your
local Pastor.

Thank GOD, He Doesn't Have Voice Mail And He
Always Listens When We Pray!!! After all, remember that
God's always answers all "knee" mail! Amen.


Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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11/28/09 12:02 P

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Thanks Elayne for thse clean humor jokes. They are so cute





Shirley
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11/27/09 11:10 P

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Oh, this one is just priceless emoticon

There was much rejoicing!


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11/27/09 9:11 P

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Nov. 27

Rabbi Returns

I returned to my parents' home to attend a funeral. At the temple, my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar. "Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?" she asked as she left me in his company.

I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He was the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother's funeral. "It's good to see you again, Rabbi," I said. "Though I wish it weren't always under such tragic circumstances."

The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was called away. A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother.

"Imagine,"she whispered, "after all this time, to run into the rabbi who performed your wedding!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




 current weight: 129.2 
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11/17/09 3:02 P

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Another good one Elayne.


Shirly
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SASSYSAX's Photo SASSYSAX Posts: 41,733
11/17/09 11:51 A

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Church Bulletin typos are the best!

Nov. 17

Classes For Men

Class 101: How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays. Step by step with slide presentation.

Class 102: The Toilet Paper Roll..Does It Change Itself?

Class 103: Fundamental Differences Between The Hamper And The Floor

Class 104: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate And Fly Into The Sink?

Class 105. Loss Of Identity. Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Class 106: Finding Things While Avoiding Turning The House Upside Down And Screaming.

Class 107: Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Drives.

Class 108: Health Watch. Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.



Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




 current weight: 129.2 
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VALI_T's Photo VALI_T SparkPoints: (109,185)
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11/14/09 7:01 P

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These are great! I just love church bulletin typos. emoticon

There was much rejoicing!


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11/14/09 11:40 A

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Thanks so much for finding all these for us.
Laughter is the best medicine for all of us


Shirley
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11/14/09 11:31 A

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I think these Bulletin typos are always a favorite of mine. Enjoy!

Nov. 14

Bloopers actually found in Church Bulletins!

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to
make calls on people who are not "afflicted" with
any church.

The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday
morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric "girdles" for
the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end
of the recession.

Ushers will eat latecomers

For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the
delight of the audience.

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing
services will be discontinued until further notice.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the
morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a
Terrible Experience."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
church and community.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK?
With hymns from a full choir.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

The 2009 Spring Council Retreat will be "hell" May 10
and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. "Massages" can be given to
church secretary.

8 new choir robes are currently needed due to the
addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after
which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung
without musical accomplishment.



Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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LLBRCFAN's Photo LLBRCFAN Posts: 4,886
11/12/09 1:00 P

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Thanks Elayne. You find some cute ones for sure


Shirley
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11/12/09 12:56 P

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November 12

Flight Observation

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




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VALI_T's Photo VALI_T SparkPoints: (109,185)
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11/11/09 9:07 P

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I love to laugh, and I especially love being able to laugh at jokes that aren't nasty or dirty. Thanks for starting this thread....and next time I come across something good I'll post it.

There was much rejoicing!


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11/11/09 2:06 P

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Elayne thanks so much for starting this thread here. Laughter is the best medicine.
Hope more will add some cute jokes also.

Shirley
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11/11/09 1:39 P

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Thought I'd start a Clean Humor thread. I don't know about you, but I love to laugh. Here goes the first one for this thread. Everyone, please continue on with your jokes and stories.

Nov. 11

Starting To Date

Alan asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Steve. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"

Steve says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way ............ just remember ............... I don't mind going back to prison."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from the west coast of Fl.

"Music is the original mood-altering, non-fattening wonder drug. Ask your doctor if Music is right for you."

Playing my sax is how I connect with God. That gift is from God and I use it to Glorify His name. It's not bout me..it's all about HIM.




 current weight: 129.2 
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130.5
127.75
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