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CUTE_AND_NERDY's Photo CUTE_AND_NERDY SparkPoints: (1,769)
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4/30/15 7:03 P

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At the moment no, I am unable to move from where I currently am. We are looking at moving further up the coast, where there is more life, but that wonít be for a while. We donít have the means to move to the mainland. My husband is also about to look into a disability pension, because his autism is very severe and he canít work; thanks to many of my issues I cannot work, either. Basically having nothing to do with my life doesnít help, but I am very much incapable of holding employment.

The most we can do in this country is see a GP, who then puts you in contact with a specialist if you need one, but most just tell me what I already know: That my issues are because Iím ďtoo fatĒ and I just need to ďlose weight.Ē One of the GPís tried to push me into Paleo and gluten free, but I wrote him off as a health fanatic. Paleo is a fad, imo, and too restrictive. Iíve also been tested for Celiacs Disease and do not have it, so gluten free would just be me doing another ďin thing.Ē

Without going into a ton of detail my husband and I arenít as close as we used to be, and I have almost left several times, but a lot of that is wholly my problem purely because I canít handle him at times and he sets me off quite a bit, though itís unintentional. He canít control certain aspects of his autism, like random noise making and random movements, which in turn sets off my disorder that canít handle repetitive movements or sounds. Weíve been married almost 16 years. Yes, weíve already been in therapy, and right now we both see the same psychologist who is 4 hours away, so it isnít like we can see him often.

I used to have a very kind, very sensitive heart, but then there was all the abuse (I come from an abusive home. You name the abuse, I had it. I was even hospitalized because of it; my mind shut off when I was about 11..) the bullying and the torment. I was continually told things like: Youíre too sensitive! Youíre such a pussy! Grow a thicker skin, you baby!

So I did. I developed a chronic rage problem that lasted almost 10 years. 99% of every friend I have ever had, ended up backstabbing me. I donít trust people for the most part; I am very indifferent. I wonít lie when I say I am not a fraction as compassionate as I once was. I honestly am indifferent to most things.

When it comes to food, 9 times out of 10 I always make the healthy choice; I donít even eat that much and tend to get full, sometimes, quickly. I donít really turn to food when Iím upset, I tend to not eat. I do eat out of boredom at times. As for being a motherÖPCOS and other things have left me infertile. IVF is going to be my only way of conceiving, and I need to be under 150K before they can do anything, and they would prefer me being under 120K. I am currently 165K. I am likely never going to be a mother and that thought is usually enough to keep me in depression.

Look at the FB group for SparkÖlots and lots of rude, negative people there, who are also on the site. There was also a lady on Spark, a few years ago who would track down peopleís before pictures and laugh at them. Someone else, once, even commented on a personal journal of mine with a friend, going back and forth that I was going to be their ďnew project!Ē I had NO idea who they were and was so upset by what they were doing that I left the site for a year.

At the moment the only reason why I donít do much house work, is because of my sciatica. Unless I am doped up on pain meds I canít stand up long enough to *do* anything productive.

I donít really want to spend that kind of cash on a Wii, and the Wii fitÖ no, thanks. I know a friend who got one of those when they first came out, and she isnít overweight. Sheís tiny! The Wii fit has you enter your weight and whatever which she did, and then the model on the game promptly blew up like a balloon and called her ďsooooo faaaat!Ē I think she said it even called her a whale. Other people have reported the thing saying: "I'm locking your refrigerator" and "Tell the other person to get off the scale." Yeah, no, I am not paying a couple hundred dollars to be insulted. I remember after the game came out there were a lot of complaints against it. Max player weight is also 150K, and I am 165K; it wouldn't allow me to play it. No, really; if you're over the weight, and it does weigh you, you won't be able to use it.

I used to use machines like DDR a lot, yes, the dancing game. I could play on some of the harder levels without any difficulty and you used to be able to buy home versions that had calorie trackers on them which I often used. You canít buy them, or the arcade mats anymore, but I would if I could because that is something I could do in home and lose weight easily.

My old therapist said the same thing, but thing isÖ I have collapsed. Iíve been hospitalized before, when my mind shut off due to the abuse and bullying. I would have already killed myself by now, if I thought I could do it without messing it up, like I do everything else. Iím scared of getting it wrong, or of making myself a vegetable and those are the main reasons why I wonít try suicide even if sometimes itís on my mind.

My best friend is 17000 miles away and is so scatterbrained that I have heard from herÖ.4 times in 4 years, despite me trying to get in constant contact. Sheís 35 and still lives with her mother, purely because sheís too ďdenseĒ for want of a better word to be able to live on her own. I have no one to talk to.

The only therapist I have found that does Skype counseling, is the one I had when I lived in KS, but I canít afford 100 dollars a week nor can I stay up till 1am for a session (time zone differences are horrible). Iím not a binge eater. I say I may have an eating disorder purely because whenever I start something like Spark, I become afraid of food. I donít really want to deal with anything like that right now though. Iíve been in and out of therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors offices; in and out of live-in hospitals, day centers my whole life. Nothing has ever made a dent, save for one thing, but that sort of program doesnít even exist where I am.

Letting go of my past isnít something I can do. I have tried for almost 25 years, with therapy and groups and help and nothing works. The things Iíve been throughÖIím so traumatized and damaged by it all that itís pretty much un-doable. Please donít think I havenít tried, because I have. A lot.


Edited by: CUTE_AND_NERDY at: 4/30/2015 (19:21)
Never give up; never stop trying.


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COSMICWATCHER's Photo COSMICWATCHER Posts: 1,018
4/30/15 6:26 P

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Ael,
Thatís a beautiful name you have.
The first thing Iíd like to ask is, can you move from Tasmania? Our surroundings are important when our plate is as full as yours; and Tasmania doesnít seem do you any good. .And you should have better access to medical care dealing with all those conditions. The both of you. And find a doctor thatíll take how you feel seriously.
I can see you want to get better and I think you will; but fist you have to eliminate whatever ďtoxicityĒ you can. I think that just by altering your environment youíll do much better.
Itís great you have a spouse and that youíre not alone in all thisÖ you are blessed, in a way. In moments of weakness, think of that. You are not alone in this world, you are cherished and you are loved, and there is someone who cares for you and wants to see you feeling better, up on your strong feet and kicking @$$ like you should.
My heart really goes out to you. Iíve also been depressed since I was 8 years old and I once weighed 355 lbs and despite my slimming down, I still have ďmementosĒ to forever remember where I came fromÖ no, Iím not talking about stretch marks or loose skin; that I can live with. My spine is crooked. I have lordosis on my upper back, scoliosis on my right shoulder and kyphosis on my upper back. Iím often in pain, I canít keep my back straight (or run or walk striaght), I canít run or climb on hills without losing my balance because I have no balance and I donít think Iíll ever be able to ride a bike because of that either. But the past doesnít define us; it prepares us. Most obese people are socially intelligent and have kind hearts who donít know what to do with the world that got handed to them. Our problem is that we canít be apathetic to ugliness; even more so, we donít know how to cope with it and thatís why we get out of control with food. We are assets to any society because of our sensitivity. Itís too bad they donít know how to use this kind of talent; but I guarantee youíll make an excellent mum someday, and I bet you already are a great friend and a compassionate partner. Thatís why you have to let go of the past, because thereís so much more to you than your past.
With hard work, our physical pain can be reduced; and why not eliminated? Well maybe Iíll never ride a bike again, but who knows?maybe someday Iíll be able to stand long hours without my back killing me. Iím working on it. A strong body (notice how I donít say slim) equals personal freedom. And I want that freedom. To run unstoppable on green hills as if I were in a movie, without fixing my spine every so often.
I havenít ever heard anyone dissing small changes on sparkepople. In fact thatís the concept behind this site- small changes lead to big changes. Ever heard of sparkguyís 10 minutes challenge? 10í a day can change your life. Thereís a booklet to download somewhere in the site too. Iíd send you the link but my interner connection is super slow, soÖ These people donít deserve spark. And I bet anyone can fit in 2 hours of daily exercise if they can afford nannies, housekeepers, physical therapists etcÖ. We all lead different lives and there is no comparing or judging. Spark is supposed to be a safe place, not a stage for moronic show-offs wasting precious time.
Youíre not lazy. Depression and obesity can false-create laziness when in reality all you need is a break. If you were lazy you wouldnít take pleasure in ďbeing out and doing something all the timeĒ. In my darkest hours Iíd just draw the curtains and sleep till my body couldnít take any more sleep; and then Iíd sleep again as soon as possible. Neglect house choresÖ. Neglect myselfÖThatís a common thing among depression sufferers. Itís a DISEASE for f7ckís sake. Btw, Dealing with Depression is the activest sparkteam. I strongly recommend you join and check in there often (thereís a special thread for checking in). People there actually care, and are amazing.
Would you care to buy a thing called wii fit or something? Itís like a video game, but itís really a ďvirtualĒ workout. Youíre standing up to ďplayĒ, and the moves you do make up a workout. Iím not sure how gentle it is, but Iíve heard older people use it too, so how demanding can it be? Itíd be fun and get your mind off thingsÖ And you donít have to leave the house to get your workout. And youíll have your adrenaline spike. ;)
Donít leave spark when things get rough. If youíre in pain, sit down and sparkblog about it. Or post. That shall keep your hands busy too. ;) Momentum matters. We all have our bad days, one way or another. Donít give up. Do what you can every time, and time shall take care of the rest. Keep busy with the forums; that will at least preserve your motivation so that you can get back on track when you feel better. People screw up all the time. Itís getting up and dusting ourselves off that keeps us going and leads to progress and success.
And be kind to yourself. Do you realize that youíve been through some pretty bad stuff and that anyone in your shoes would have collapsed at some point, one way or another? Youíre not flawed, youíre human. People overeat all the time and they like that, be they slim or round. The difference is, slim people donít stress about ďcheatingĒ. They wake up to the next day as if the binge never happened, they move, they make healthier choices and they compensate in time. Donít blame yourself; be compassionate instead, thatís what you need. And you can still have a life if you somehow re-create the support system you once had. Skype or webcam through facebook with that best friend of yours. You could even see a therapist through skype. Or ďattendĒ a recovery meeting too. Binge eating has now been declared indeed an eating disorder and I think you need to see a therapist about it. There are also quite a few sparkteams on BED too, with useful resources.
To sum it up:
1)move, if you can
2)wii fit if it speaks to you
3)be active online with support groups and/or therapist
4) download sparkguyís 10 min booklet
5) spark!!!!
6)BE KIND, and let go


I'm doing a 21 days no binge streak. FOR ME, it's been TREMENDOUSLY helpful to be accountable to other people and to compete against myself. Please join us if you think it'll work for you too: www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_mes
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Joanne


'If a little dreaming is dangerous, the cure for it is not to dream less but to dream more, to dream all the time.'

Happiness is a form of courage.



CUTE_AND_NERDY's Photo CUTE_AND_NERDY SparkPoints: (1,769)
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4/30/15 5:43 P

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Thanks everyone. I actually managed a 40 minute walk yesterday, on one of the wooded trails near here. I was stopping every few minutes though, because of pain running from my lower back, to my hip and down my leg. That has been an on-going issue for a very long time. It may be sciatica, but it is difficult to get a GP down here who gives a crap, who doesn't just spit out "lose weight" as an instant cure.

Bluejay: I definitely understand, as I too have bipolar, chronic anxiety/paranoia disorder, BPD, chronic depression, PTSD and was recently diagnosed with a form of Autism. My psychologist got it right when he said I always live a hair below distraught, which is true...it's been that way since I was in the single digits.

Yeah, it's fair to say I'm a mess!

I'm trying very hard not to listen to those saying it isn't possible without hours of exercise or whatever, but sometimes with my mindset it's all or nothing, no grey area. So if I mess up, I give up. It's a very difficult mindset to break, especially when it's one I've been toting around since I was very small. No real life support kind of sucks, too.

Never give up; never stop trying.


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BLUEJAY1969's Photo BLUEJAY1969 Posts: 9,506
4/30/15 7:25 A

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Ael - I started with 10 minutes of chair exercise... I am down 76 pounds........... Don't listen to the naysayers. If you can get 5 minutes in, get 5 minutes in. You can do this. I know it hurts and Beth (INDYGIRL) knows how hard it can get. You really should read up on her blogs! She is a true inspiration. I know the mental stuff is hard too. I suffer from bipolar disorder and have to fight the ups and downs. It's none of it easy but it's all of it worth it! You really can do this!

"and I said to my body softly; "I want to be your friend." it took a long breath and replied; "I have been waiting my whole life for this." - Nayyirah Waheed

Mountain Standard Time, USA

Hugs,
Jeanne


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JUST-ELIZ's Photo JUST-ELIZ Posts: 5,363
4/30/15 2:02 A

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emoticon Ael!
There is a group/Team for everybody here at SP!
I'm sorry you were told those things. I don't believe that's true about exercise. I'm losing weight and I do not exercise, I have MS.
I too was told a few mean things on a diabetes Team once. I just left the Team.

You can do this. Never give up.
emoticon



Joyfully~ Eliz in Minnesota

www.theroaddownhome.blogspot.com

my WOE is up to 50 g. carb, moderate protein, no sweeteners of any kind, high in good fats, and only REAL food!


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TIGGER2908's Photo TIGGER2908 Posts: 938
4/29/15 11:55 P

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Ael, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I wish I could say that everything will be fine, because I truly feel it will, but it will take time.
As for those people who said that you have to do an hour of hard exercise or you're just lazy, ignore them. And maybe that sparkteam isn't the right one for you. I think you have found your home here. ~Indygirl (Beth) can tell you all about the problems of trying to exercise when everything hurts. Jump over to her blogs and read up on her struggles. And look to her for inspiration and suggestions.

And good luck. With our help, you'll make it.

Karen

You can be the hammer, making things happen, or you can be the nail that sits there and gets pummeled over and over. It's time to start being the hammer.

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.


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LOVINGKATE SparkPoints: (55,665)
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4/29/15 6:21 P

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My name is Kathy, welcome to the team. Happy to have you aboard.

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CUTE_AND_NERDY's Photo CUTE_AND_NERDY SparkPoints: (1,769)
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4/29/15 4:54 P

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Hello everyone.

Not new to Spark, but new to the group. I will try and keep the intro as short as possible, and will try and refrain from too many "life stories" along the way, but we'll see how long that lasts!

Oh, and feel free to call me Ael.

I am currently 35 and weight 365 pounds, though my largest was once over 370. In my 20's I used Spark to get down from 355 - 310 in about 5 months, but it was a bit easier to manage for me back then. I had a good church home, a best friend, a recovery group, a therapist, a good support system. I was almost always out and doing something, and I wasn't crippled with joint pain that saw me craving pain medication in the mornings rather than craving a cup of coffee.

It is much too long of a story to go into, but I moved to Australia in 2011, from Kansas. I moved to Tasmania in 2012...and then life became miserable. I've gained almost 40 pounds since we left Sydney, as we are now in a very rural community. The water isn't totally safe to drink, the area can be a bit dangerous (I am afraid to go outside), it rains 25 days out of every month, summer is cold, and we have to drive 2 hours if we want to be able to buy fresh food. I am also, now, pre-diabetic, always cold, and my entire body is very sensitive to touch.

I have struggled with severe depression since I was about 8, and have nearly had to call a crisis line, more than once in the last few months because of how my size is effecting me. I am never comfortable, I always hurt, I am always miserable.

I want to exercise some days so badly, but moving hurts too much, specifically my back and my knees. My knees are actually in very bad shape, the pain is chronic. I used to use Leslie Sansone workouts, the last time I lost weight, but this time even using them for more than 2 days, and I'm talking the 15 minute workout, leaves me almost crippled in the knees and to the point I can't walk for days. I already can barely navigate stairs in my apartment, and my left knee pops and "crinkles" when I walk.

I keep coming back to Spark, and then leaving again, when the pain is too bad to manage. I have no quality of life. It scares me. I used to live for adrenaline-fueled activities, but guess how many I can do right now... None. I wasn't made to sit inside a room all day and rot. Heck, I fear I'm going to die of a heart attack before I'm 40. I currently have an arrhythmia and a slight murmur, but the doctor's here just blow me off like it's nothing.

I'm just very depressed right now, and it's difficult to let on exactly how much at home because my husband, who is 38, was recently diagnosed as special needs; he's a high-functioning autistic. I am actually ASD myself, which explains quite a few things, but doesn't help how I feel about anything. My in-laws just tell us both to "get over it." Yes, like Autism and depression are things you just "get over..."

Quick edit: The one thing that really gets me down, is that I see so many people saying that if you can't do at least 1 hour of hard exercise a day, and have an active lifestyle besides, then there is no point. I see these comments on Spark posts (over on FaceBook) all the time. It really does get disheartening and makes me feel like that no matter what I do, I'm screwed and can't make even the smallest difference in my health.

I mentioned once, in a comment on one of Spark's posts that I have difficulty because of severe knee/back pain, and then I tried to encourage others by saying that any movement is good, and that telling people they have to do an hour a day, or else it doesn't matter, really doesn't help the newcomers. That only got me slammed and shot down, by someone claiming they have fibromyalgia, herniated discs, 3 kids, a full time job, arthritis...the list continues, but they can do 2 hours a day (I don't buy that...) and if I couldn't then I'm just a lazy so-and-so who is just making excuses.

Yeah, almost needed a crisis line that day, and did have an emotional breakdown. It makes me feel like, Oh, I can't do even 20 minutes a day some days, so I am just a lazy failure, and then that builds and builds and builds. Sometimes it also gets to the point where I'm scared to eat, even if it is a healthy choice. I kind of feel like I have an eating disorder.

Anyway, sorry this intro was long, but I suppose it could have been longer.

Edited by: CUTE_AND_NERDY at: 4/29/2015 (17:08)
Never give up; never stop trying.


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