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9/28/10 1:10 P

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Butcher Shop

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

"Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"

DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

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9/28/10 1:08 P

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The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd! be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ..."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this,and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."

DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

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9/28/10 1:06 P

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The Church Plaque

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year- old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.

"Sir, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"

DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

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9/28/10 1:05 P

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Two not-too-bright guys were taking their first train trip and were very excited.

After
20 thrilling minutes, a vendor came down the corridor selling bananas,
which they'd never seen before. Thrilled, each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.

When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend with wide eyes.

"I wouldn't eat that if I were you," he said.

"Why not?" his friend asked, disappointed.

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute!

DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

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9/19/10 11:50 A

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Getting Gray?

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

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7/27/10 9:05 A

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Tough Exam

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

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7/27/10 8:59 A

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It Might Be the Light

Deep In the back woods, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

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7/23/10 6:30 P

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These were all so funny but I especially loved the dog rules!!!

Linda

Last is just the slowest winner."-C Hunter Boyd







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7/23/10 4:33 P

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Brilliance Revealed

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north, because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the admin. assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped in the car. She keeps it in the trunk.

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman wearing a nose ring joined by a chain to her left ear ring. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?" To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to the turkey."

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

These people all vote.
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Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have a Yard To Protect

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.

DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

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7/17/10 8:52 A

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Ransacked Blonde

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

"They send me a BLIND policeman."



Blonde Pregnancy

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

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7/16/10 12:40 P

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Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. The other old lady asks her what that was. The first lady replies “It’s a condom. That way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.” The second lady asks “Where do you get it?” The first replies ”You can get them at any drugstore”.
The next day the second old lady hobbles into a local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviouisly embarrassed, loks at her kind of strangely (after all she is over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks her what brand of condom she prefers. She replies “Doesn’t matter Sonny as long as it fits on a Camel.”
The pharmacist fainted.


Linda

Last is just the slowest winner."-C Hunter Boyd







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7/11/10 8:54 A

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Signs Found In Kitchens

1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!

2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!

3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!

4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!

5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself!

6. I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!

7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.

11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

13. If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards.

14. You may touch the dust in this house...but please don't write in it!

15. Apology...Although you'll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.

16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

17. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

22. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

23. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

...and the best one of them all...

24. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

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5/26/10 7:51 A

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A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

John grabbed the wheelbarrow handles.

"All right," John said, nodding to the young man. "Get in."

DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

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4/4/10 3:56 P

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Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose? His powder puff is on the wrong end.

Is it true that bunnies have good eyesight? Well you never see a bunny wearing glasses, do you?

What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!

Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken!

Why did a fellow rabbit say that the Easter Bunny was self-centered? Because he was eggo-centric!

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world? It has four rabbits' feet

What do you get when you cross a bunny with an onion? A bunion



Linda

Last is just the slowest winner."-C Hunter Boyd







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4/2/10 4:40 A

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Cat Heaven

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven....
Greeting him, the Lord says, "You've lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."

The cat thinks for a minute and says, "Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor..."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more!" Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.


A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven....

The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we've been chased. We've had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom. We're tired of running..."

"Say no more!" The Lord replies. In a flash, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.


About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away...

He gently wakes the cat and asks, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches, yawns, and replies, "Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!!!"


Linda

Last is just the slowest winner."-C Hunter Boyd







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4/1/10 9:49 P

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Baptism

A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.

As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

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3/31/10 12:55 P

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Okay, I'm, moving away from the dog jokes

Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club. "We're supposed to wear something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing black," said Mrs. Smith. "Oh my," said Mrs. Jones, "I'd better not go."


An elderly woman was telling her daughter about a date with a 90-year-old man. "Believe it or not, I had to slap his face three times!" said the woman. "Do you mean that old man got fresh with you?" the daughter asked in disgust. "Oh, no!" her mother explained, "I had to keep slapping his face to keep him awake!"


Linda

Last is just the slowest winner."-C Hunter Boyd







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3/31/10 12:52 P

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Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

What kind of dog does Dracula have?

A bloodhound!

"I say madam, why do you want to get a divorce?"
"My husband treats me like a dog"
"Does he mistreat you? Does he hit you"
"No, he wants me to be faithful to him"


Linda

Last is just the slowest winner."-C Hunter Boyd







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3/31/10 12:47 P

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Oh I liked both of those!

Linda

Last is just the slowest winner."-C Hunter Boyd







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3/31/10 11:11 A

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Race Horses

Several racehorses are in a stable. One on them starts boasting about his track record. "Of my last 15 races," he says, "I've won eight."

Another horse breaks in, " Well I've won 19 of my last 27!"

"That's good, but I've taken 28 of 36, " says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, a greyhound who's been sitting nearby listening says, "I don't mean to boast, but of my last 90 races, I've won 88."

The horses are clearly amazed. "WOW," says one horse after a prolonged silence, "a talking dog!"


DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

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3/31/10 11:09 A

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Priest and Pastor

A priest and pastor from the local parishes were standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that read, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. As the first driver sped past, he yelled, "Leave us alone...we don't believe in that religious stuff!"

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. One clergyman said to the other, "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says, 'Bridge Out' instead?"

DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

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3/31/10 7:52 A

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With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So we aren ' t heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,
Good grief, look how smart I am!

Must be where ' Smart Ass ' came from!

I actually stole this from another member's blog who said she got it in an e-mail and wanted to pass it on!

Linda

Last is just the slowest winner."-C Hunter Boyd







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3/30/10 12:35 P

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One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

"Father," the boy asked, "what is this?

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained.

They stood together quietly for a moment, staring at the memorial plaque.

"Which service?" Davey asked. "The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

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3/19/10 9:46 A

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I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.

DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

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3/19/10 8:04 A

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I stole this joke from BANDMOM_TERESA's blog today but I had to pass it on because I haven't posted any jokes lately. A little naughty!

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot."

The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."


Linda

Last is just the slowest winner."-C Hunter Boyd







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3/10/10 10:41 P

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Cute. Thanks for the chuckle! QUACK QUACK!

DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

LINDAKAY228's Photo LINDAKAY228 Posts: 19,570
3/10/10 9:38 A

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THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half
wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a
warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and
all-conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and
doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open
to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past
and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and
a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran,
Ruled by Nuts


Linda

Last is just the slowest winner."-C Hunter Boyd







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3/8/10 12:03 A

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Black and white, the screen rolled and the TV came on about 7am and went off at 10pm in our area. I grew up on Lassie, the Micky Mouse Club, The Wonderful World of Disney, Romper Room and Bonanza. We were part of the Nielsen ratings when Lost in Space aired. I think I was 12. Anyway, I think I am soley responsible for that show remaining on the air as long as it did.



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DIAMONDROSE53's Photo DIAMONDROSE53 Posts: 1,548
3/7/10 7:43 P

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wow thanks for the remider of how far we have come in our lifetime. We both may rememeber black and white TV. Boy when color shows came in it was a major thing. Boy that is dating me.

Tv wasn't even all day, it was part of the day and went off about midnight with the Star spangled banner and a prayer.

These kids have no clue what hard work is they think that they will break a nail if they have to carry anything very far LOL LOL

Thanks for the memories and reminding me I'm getting older but hopefully wiser.


For every hour you walk you add two hours to your life!

Stay OP, hydrated, and find the humor in your life

BELIEVE THAT LIFE IS WORTH LIVING AND YOUR BELIEF WILL HELP CREATE THE FACT

The best preperation for good work tomorrow is to do good work today!!!

Let's get Quacking

Perks stands for:

P--Positive Thinking

E--encouraging others

R--Renewing oneself

K-- Knowledge gained

S --Success Earned


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3/1/10 12:53 A

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darn, I am old.... this stuff was NEW when my kids were young.. I still remember party-lines & when we wanted to play games, we broke out the card table and the game in a box!

DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

GRAMMACATHY's Photo GRAMMACATHY Posts: 26,016
2/28/10 11:44 P

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Today while walking the dogs, we practically were mowed down by a couple of extremely lazy young men walking their dogs, by making them chase them in a jeep. With that in mind I am posting the following joke or possibly complaint. Remember, I walked five miles in the pouring rain to get to school.

******
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were.
When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning
Uphill.. barefoot...BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that.. I'm over the ripe old age of
thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you
don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something,
We had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter, with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.
As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! No where was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone…’cause that's how we rolled dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
screens, it was just one screen
forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and
faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off
your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
for cartoons, you spoiled little rats!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

*******
OK so I only walked 2 miles in the pouring rain and usually, someones mom would take pity on us and drive.



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2/28/10 10:34 P

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DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

GRAMMACATHY's Photo GRAMMACATHY Posts: 26,016
2/27/10 11:37 A

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I enjoy the jokes so much, I decided I had better contribute.....

A silly woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the woman returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."

Edited by: GRAMMACATHY at: 2/27/2010 (11:37)

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2/26/10 7:44 P

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Cute, thanks Linda!

DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

LINDAKAY228's Photo LINDAKAY228 Posts: 19,570
2/26/10 9:44 A

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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.


Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I think I'll just take the sagging LOL!

Linda

Last is just the slowest winner."-C Hunter Boyd







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2/21/10 3:32 P

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these were cute! thanks!

DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

LINDAKAY228's Photo LINDAKAY228 Posts: 19,570
2/21/10 3:11 P

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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.


Linda

Last is just the slowest winner."-C Hunter Boyd







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DIAMONDROSE53's Photo DIAMONDROSE53 Posts: 1,548
2/21/10 1:44 P

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Here is a cute joke a friend told me I laughed a bit . So will share it with all of you:

Why did the banana go to the DR."S office?










Because he was peeling


it was told to me by and 8 year old



Polkamama1

Judy Ann


For every hour you walk you add two hours to your life!

Stay OP, hydrated, and find the humor in your life

BELIEVE THAT LIFE IS WORTH LIVING AND YOUR BELIEF WILL HELP CREATE THE FACT

The best preperation for good work tomorrow is to do good work today!!!

Let's get Quacking

Perks stands for:

P--Positive Thinking

E--encouraging others

R--Renewing oneself

K-- Knowledge gained

S --Success Earned


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GRAMMACATHY's Photo GRAMMACATHY Posts: 26,016
2/19/10 10:46 A

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Talking dog
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LINDAKAY228's Photo LINDAKAY228 Posts: 19,570
2/19/10 9:43 A

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Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring. She welcomed him into her Victorian parlor, and invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. It was filled with water, and floating on top - of all things - a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, Miss Bea had flipped or something. But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him. He could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."


Linda

Last is just the slowest winner."-C Hunter Boyd







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2/19/10 9:42 A

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Senility Prayer

God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.



Linda

Last is just the slowest winner."-C Hunter Boyd







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2/19/10 9:35 A

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A guy is driving around Oklahoma and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a damn liar. He never did any of that stuff."

Linda

Last is just the slowest winner."-C Hunter Boyd







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2/15/10 11:40 A

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These were entries for a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line and least romantic second line:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
But what have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell!"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.


DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

GRAMMACATHY's Photo GRAMMACATHY Posts: 26,016
2/15/10 11:31 A

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So true.
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2/15/10 11:20 A

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Dog Proverbs

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
- Ben Williams
"Whoever said you cannot buy happiness forgot about little puppies."
- Gene Hill
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
- Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as your dog does."- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
- Josh Billings
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
- John Steinbeck
"Say something idiotic and nobody but a dog politely wags his tail."
- Virginia Graham
"All knowledge, the totality of all questions and answers, is contained in the dog."
- Franz Kafka


Linda

Last is just the slowest winner."-C Hunter Boyd







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2/15/10 11:18 A

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You know you are owned by a dog when...

You have a mental list of people you would like to spay or neuter.
Running out of paper towels is a household crisis.
You stick fake reindeer antlers on the dog and photograph him for your Christmas Cards.
Not only do family and friends think you go overboard with doggie holiday decorations, they have never seen the holy family depicted by dogs.
Your checks show a dog.
You pray they will someday manufacture Teflon furniture.
You absentmindedly pat people on the head or scratch them behind their ears.
You not only allow dogs on the couch, guests have to sit on the floor because the dog has "territorial issues."
You and your vet are on a first name basis.
You tell your children to "heel!" in a grocery store.
You know all the characteristics of a good "stool".

Linda

Last is just the slowest winner."-C Hunter Boyd







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2/15/10 11:17 A

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On the door of the little country store a stranger noticed the sign DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Inside he saw a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger could not help but be amused. "That certainly does not look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Linda

Last is just the slowest winner."-C Hunter Boyd







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2/15/10 11:15 A

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As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.

As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you are sorry you had me neutered."

Linda

Last is just the slowest winner."-C Hunter Boyd







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GRAMMACATHY's Photo GRAMMACATHY Posts: 26,016
2/12/10 11:54 P

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Loved the dog and running jokes...

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Bobbit Family Update




Bobbitt Family Update

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced
that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested
for an alleged attempt to perform the same act
on her husband as her famous sister had done
several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was
not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her
husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle
and tendon damage. The husband is reported to
be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has
been charged with ...
?

?

?




?


A Misdewiener!
You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody !!

DAWN: Proud Leader of the ROCKIN' RED FOXES

QUOTE: "To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo

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