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MILLER-S's Photo MILLER-S Posts: 19,061
3/15/13 10:25 P

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Hi Kelly and welcome to the NC Spark Team! We're glad to have you with us on the journey to better health. I also welcomed you on another team, so I'll just reiterate that when you get a chance, it would be great if you set up a Spark Page of your own. Of course, the decision is up to you. I'd love to send you a Spark Goodie or leave an encouraging comment on your page if you do decide to get it "up and running."

Keep in touch - we're very glad to have you on the team!

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"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"Let me not miss all that I am by punishing myself for what I am not." - unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be."~unknown

"Growth is becoming comfortable with discomfort." - John Dowd, Jr.
"Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life."

 Pounds lost: 43.4 
KELLYBG1978's Photo KELLYBG1978 SparkPoints: (543)
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Posts: 20
3/15/13 10:45 A

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Hi. My name is Kelly and I'm a fat chick. I know,I know......some people are already freaking out because I used the three-letter "f" word but I lost my hatred of the word years ago. Frankly, I would rather call myself fat than "morbidly obese." The latter suggests I'm at death's door and that's far from true. But I digress.

My story in a rather large nutshell - I was an overweight kid who grew into an obese woman. My mother projected her weight issues onto me and still did until about a year ago when she finally lost enough weight, through health issues, that it doesn't bother her anymore. Needless to say, there was a lot of "fat-shaming" in my house. From 3rd grade on (I guess that's a hint) I was mercilessly bullied by other kids and even several teachers. I even had several students in middle school tell me that I had stepped on and broken the foot of a girl who, at 12, already had a scholarship to one of the top ballet academies in the country and, thanks to me, she'd never dance again. She did, of course, but that does kill one's psyche when you're that age. Thankfully, by the time I reached high school, I was largely ignored by everyone but I was already 5'6" and 180 lbs and I was in a relationship with a boy that I would not acknowledge as verbally and emotionally abusive until I entered my 30s. After college and grad school, I started my dream job of teaching high school English but learned that the stress and politics were not for me. After 7 years of doing the job I thought I would dedicate my life to, I was laid off from my last job with nothing to show for it but an extra 70 lbs I had gained over the years as well as clinical diagnoses of major depression, hypertension, and obstructive sleep apnea. During 2 years of unemployment, I gained another 30 lbs at least (it was around this time that I stopped weighing myself) due to the depression and overall inactivity. Eventually I found a job that I've been at for the last two years. However, even those two years have been tumultuous as the job is in a brand new field that I never worked in, I took a major,major pay cut, and people I thought were my friends turned their backs on me when I needed them most. People were willing to take me into their homes because "we [were] family" and then six months later, threatening to kick me out because I couldn't afford to pay them the $400 monthly rent they wanted for the one room I used in the house. I left for another friend's house - another friend who swore that I was being mistreated and that I was being taken advantage of - then proceeded to make me pay almost all of her bills - and literally kicked me out when I stood up to her for treating me like a child when she got mad at me for leaving an empty glass in my room. She thought she was being generous by giving me 30 days to vacate, you know, like an actual landlord would. Since I never signed a lease though and she certainly never gave me the freedom a tenant would have - I left the same night and have not spoken to her since. Through all my experiences in my life, through all the terrible things I have been a part of - I never really understood what it meant to hate someone until that night. It is something I am dealing with even now because I know to hate her is to still give her power but she robbed me of not just money but a lot of my confidence. Between those two so-called "friends", I have had no desire to deal with anyone closely aside from my wonderful parents and my brother (though my sister in law is another I hold at arm's length). It just doesn't help that my parents are in MD, my brother is in PA, and I'm in NC. My best friend is angry at me because she thinks I'm cutting her out of my life and I'm not - she just doesn't understand that I don't want to deal with anyone because I've learned the only one I can count on here at home is myself. Since she's married to the first jerk who treated me so badly after calling me "family", I'm punishing her by association. Again, not fair but I feel she should have stuck up for me more than she did.

So, now I'm on my own. I'm in therapy to deal with the depression and the social issues (which I'm sure have developed into phobias of sorts but the therapist disagrees. Since he's the expert and he's pretty good, I guess I'll have to take his word for it). However, the one thing that has gotten me through all this is food and I know I've probably put on even more weight. I have a physical in 2 weeks and I'm sure the news won't be good. Though I'm taking my antidepressants regularly and my blood pressure is under control, my eating has been so bad that I'm waiting for either the high cholesterol diagnosis or, God forbid, the type 2 diabetes diagnosis. High cholesterol runs in my family so I won't be happy but I will deal with it - I will get it under control A diabetes diagnosis will probably send me over the edge. So, I want to lose weight not because I think I'll be happier - things have happened to me over the years that had nothing to do with my weight. I just want to be healthy. Fortunately, despite the depression, htn, and sleep apnea, I am healthier than most people my size and I am fully self-sufficient (which of course, makes me incredibly angry every time I see a news article about how obese people are unable to take care of themselves and are feeding off the system). I still have a long way to go in accepting myself though and I ask myself, if I can't accept myself as a fat person, will I really be able to accept myself as a smaller one? I refuse to say as a thin person because I won't ever be thin. This isn't doubt or pessimism talking; this is reality. If I am healthy, then I will be happy.

Of course, if stupid things keep happening like the co-worker next to me keeps talking about the departmental luncheon she's planned for today that she did NOT invite me to, then being healthy kind of seems stupid when I'm feeling crappy about something else. I"ve never really been the "at least I've got my health" type but I guess I've always taken it for granted and, lately, I'm realizing I may not be able to much longer unless I do something.

I apologize for the long post. I guess I was working some things out as I went along. Thanks for reading if you made it all the way through. :)

"Never stay calm and carry on. Instead, put on your 'big girl' panties, your sexiest boots and go kick some butt!"
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