SparkPeople ON THE LIGHTER SIDE Team Messageboard A place for games, humor and smiles! All are Welcome!! SparkPeople ON THE LIGHTER SIDE Team Messageboard Medical Tip To Help Combat Flu & Viruses Shared by SP Member PATRICIAAK who is a doctor. <BR> <BR> "We’re in a unique situation and I agree we need prudent precautions. <BR> <BR> One thing I haven’t heard much but STRONGLY RECOMMEND is: <BR> <BR> Have a glass of water (can be flavored) next to you and take a few swallows <BR> ~ every 15 min. This washes whatever germs (viral or bacterial) are in your <BR> throat down to your stomach where they can be killed by the stomach acid. <BR> The germs are therefore no longer in your thro... Sat, 14 Mar 2020 19:45:27 EST Scattergories 2 How to play: <BR> <BR> Copy the whole list to your post and fill in ONE answer. <BR> <BR> When the list is full, we'll move on to the next letter. <BR> <BR> Let's see how long it takes us to go through the alphabet. <BR> <BR> ________________________ <BR> <BR> <BR> Letter "A" <BR> <BR> <BR> 1. A child's toy - <BR> <BR> 2. Something in your wardrobe - <BR> <BR> 3. Something in your fridge - <BR> <BR> 4. A mood - <BR> <BR> 5. A film title - <BR> <BR> 6. Something you buy from the s... Wed, 29 Jan 2020 21:53:16 EST Howdy, recycled Newbie here! Looking to the Lighter Side to help lift some of the weight off this on again journey! Thu, 16 Jan 2020 21:19:22 EST im back Hello <BR> It has been almost 4 years since I was here. I am back to lose weight and make friends Sat, 26 Jan 2019 23:40:07 EST Canada's New Food Guide Thought you might find this interesting. <BR> <BR> Today Health Canada released it's new Food Guide and the first thing that jumps out at me is there are no servings or portions mentioned. Rather the concentration seems to be earting healthy period. <BR> <BR> "The new ideal healthy meal is now shown pictorially as a single plate with half of its space taken by "plenty of vegetables and fruits"; a quarter for "protein foods" such as meat, nuts, and beans; and a quarter for "whole grain foo... Tue, 22 Jan 2019 21:04:24 EST Scattergories How to play: <BR> <BR> - Copy the whole list to your post and fill in ONE answer. <BR> - When the list is full, we'll move on to the next letter in the alphabet. <BR> <BR> <BR> Letter "A": <BR> <BR> <BR> 1. Words ending in "LY" - <BR> <BR> 2. Nouns - <BR> <BR> 3. Action words - <BR> <BR> 4. Abbreviations - <BR> <BR> 5. 5-letter words - <BR> <BR> 6. Words that end in "ING" - <BR> <BR> 7. Words with a double letter - <BR> <BR> 8. Adjectives/acronyms - <BR> <BR> 9. Words ... Tue, 8 Jan 2019 13:21:57 EST What Is Your Emoticon Today? - 2019 Feelings, exercise, diet, encouragement, events, etc., whatever's applicable. Mon, 31 Dec 2018 20:54:46 EST Stopping By To Say Hi - 2019 Stop by whenever you can and let us know what's happening, share any inspirational quotes, tips, etc! <BR> Mon, 31 Dec 2018 20:53:18 EST Quotations That Hit The Spot - 2019 Please share any quotes that are motivational, inspirational or make us pause for thought! Mon, 31 Dec 2018 20:51:25 EST Team Bonus Points - 2019 You earn team bonus points by going to your SparkPoints page.Under the Community Section, go to "SparkAmerica Affinity Favorites". There you just tap on the flag next to the team you wish to support. Points are awarded not just to the team, but to you as well! You can earn points for up to 5 teams each day. <BR> <BR> Have fun! <BR> Mon, 31 Dec 2018 20:47:18 EST SparkWheel Points - 2019 <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <BR> <BR> Come by daily and let us know how many points you got by spinning the SparkWheel. <BR> <BR> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> Mon, 31 Dec 2018 20:46:45 EST Beginning Today Beginning Today <BR> <BR> I will no longer worry about yesterday. <BR> It is in the past and the past will never change. <BR> Only I can change by choosing to do so. <BR> <BR> Beginning today <BR> <BR> I will no longer worry about tomorrow. <BR> Tomorrow will always be there, waiting for me to <BR> make the most of it. But I cannot make the <BR> most of tomorrow without first <BR> making the most of today. <BR> <BR> Beginning today <BR> <BR> I will look in the mirror and I wil... Mon, 19 Nov 2018 10:01:19 EST Quotations That Hit The Spot 2018 Please share any quotes that are motivational, inspirational or make us pause for thought! Mon, 29 Oct 2018 10:57:47 EST Cold or Flu? Now that we are into the cooler months, it's a good time to be reminded about cold and flu prevention, symptoms and treatment. <BR> <BR> SP has some wonderful articles to do just that. See <BR> <BR> Is It a Cold or the Flu? <BR> <link><BR>s_articles.asp?id=959 </link> <BR> (Really like how the charts make it simply to discern whether it's the cold or the flu!) <BR> <BR> 7 Tips For Avoiding the Cold and Flu <BR> <link> Sat, 27 Oct 2018 22:33:32 EST Team Bonus Points 2018 You earn team bonus points by going to your SparkPoints page.Under the Community Section, go to "SparkAmerica Affinity Favorites". There you just tap on the flag next to the team you wish to support. Points are awarded not just to the team, but to you as well! You can earn points for up to 5 teams each day. <BR> <BR> Have fun! Sat, 27 Oct 2018 00:28:52 EST SparkWheel Points 2018 <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <BR> <BR> Come by daily and let us know how many points you got by spinning the SparkWheel. <BR> <BR> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> <em>347</em> Fri, 26 Oct 2018 22:41:27 EST Enjoy The Ride Tips that will help you have a beautiful day! <BR> <BR> <link> </link> Fri, 26 Oct 2018 02:21:07 EST Names A - Z - both male and female Here's a game we can all enjoy <BR> <BR> Choose a male and female or female and male name following the A to Z pattern and repeat - most importantly - HAVE FUN <em>41</em> Sat, 20 Jan 2018 02:05:24 EST Re-gifting I love re-gifting. You just have to be careful not to do it I the same circles. Do things like giving a gift from a family member to a coworker. <BR> <BR> Oh funny gift story...One year I had an elderly employee give me this ugly scarf that reeked of cigarette smoke. I graciously accepted it. <BR> <BR> Now, working at McDonald's I wear an old ratty coat, ratty sweater etc. because I don't want any of my good stuff to stink like McDonald's. <BR> <BR> I washed the scarf and wore it to work ... Sun, 17 Dec 2017 03:40:31 EST White Elephant Gift Exchange As we approach Christmas I'm reminded of white elephant gift exchanges. The most ridiculous ones I got were workout videos and a furby. <BR> <BR> The craziest one I gave was a kitty litter box and scoop. See one time the place I worked at was having a potluck. I think it was in the summer. I saw this recipe for kitty litter cake. I thought it looked fun so I bought the ingredients which was a spice cake mix etc the box and scoop. The problem was that no one would eat it because it looked to... Fri, 15 Dec 2017 18:35:57 EST What's Your Elf Name Revival If you were an elf, what would your name be? Find out with the elf name generator at the following link: <BR> <BR> <link><BR>ould-your-name-be-find-out-now/ </link> <BR> <BR> Mine is: Gingerbread Floppy Feet <BR> <BR> Post what yours is. Thu, 7 Dec 2017 00:46:48 EST Hello Team! I am new here in this team! Not new to spark tho! <BR> <BR> Just wanted to say hello! I am a SAHM. I have returned to college to finish my degree - in either psychology or education. Or perhaps both bc you certainly need a psychology degree to survive teaching public education! <BR> <BR> I love my sense of humor. It's my favorite of my super powers! <em>334</em> Fri, 17 Nov 2017 11:39:09 EST How do you exercise? I work at McDonald's. I try to walk outside during my 30 minute break unless it is raining. Then I walk in the common area of a nearby building. However, today I spent 3 hours in back cash first thing so I was freezing by the time I got my break so I did One mile wake up walk with Jessica Smith <BR> <BR> log.asp?post=one_mile_wake_up_a <BR> nd_walk_workout <BR> in the break room. A couple people made fun of me but I took it all in stride...literally. Lol <... Thu, 9 Nov 2017 14:55:09 EST What do you like to do? Or Enyoy? ~Daily~ I like listening and dancing to my favorite songs. <em>335</em> <em>355</em> <em>354</em> <em>339</em> <em>276</em> Sun, 13 Aug 2017 13:18:06 EST Two Words, Change One. Apple Pie Fri, 11 Aug 2017 19:27:44 EST Christian cannibals So these two Christian cannibals go to a rally and begin chowing down and one of their entrees says "I thought you only ate evil". To which the cannibal replies "we do and your trickery won't work you Pagan."To which the entree replies "Pagan? No this is a VEGAN conference!" So the the one cannibal turns to his buddy and says "I thought they tasted a little less meaty than normal." <BR> <BR> BA DUM TISS!! Mon, 1 May 2017 07:02:16 EST Hello! I'm a repeat Sparker; new to this team. Hi to everyone. <BR> <em>213</em> <BR> Mon, 20 Mar 2017 00:13:14 EST Share a Fitness Emoticon <em>331</em> Anything pertaining to exercise. <em>315</em> <em>260</em> Fri, 18 Nov 2016 13:22:33 EST Game: Write a sentence using 7 words in it. I enjoy Thanksgiving with family and friends. Wed, 16 Nov 2016 12:59:16 EST Name Something you Have in the House from A-Z A - Appliances Tue, 15 Nov 2016 16:37:08 EST Name a Famous Person A-Z Could be a Movie Star, President, Political Person etc.... <BR> <BR> A - Alexander Hamilton Tue, 15 Nov 2016 16:10:03 EST Given Names From A-Z A - Angie <BR> <BR> I think it would be fun, to start with letter A-Z and give names you like. Fri, 11 Nov 2016 14:18:49 EST Name a Song, Old or New and Artist Memories are Made of This / Dean Martin Fri, 11 Nov 2016 13:51:17 EST Healthy Food A-Z (Daily) Emoticon <em>490</em> <em>478</em> Sat, 8 Oct 2016 13:09:01 EST 2 Things You Would Like To Do Today? (Daily) Go Shopping need Ink for my printer. <BR> <BR> Eat at a nice restaurant. Sat, 8 Oct 2016 13:07:29 EST Tell us about your Morning, Afternoon or Evening? This morning, I did my exercise. <BR> Afternoon, spent time on Spark teams. <BR> Later today, plan on going to Walmart. Mon, 26 Sep 2016 14:46:46 EST Name a Movie Old or New. My best friends wedding./ Julia Roberts Sun, 25 Sep 2016 12:13:47 EST Any Color, Emoticon (any picture) <em>479</em> <img src=""> Sun, 25 Sep 2016 11:55:29 EST Post Something Funny or Cute! <img src=""> Sun, 25 Sep 2016 11:47:14 EST Name a Song, Old or New and Artist Stairway to Heaven / Led Zepplin Sat, 24 Sep 2016 18:13:05 EST Stopping By To Say 'Hi' <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Wow, beautiful, warm, sunny August means we're at the halfway mark of summer, but also that we're into the last part of 2016. Let's enjoy this month and make the most of it!!! <BR> <BR> Happy August Everyone!!! Mon, 1 Aug 2016 09:33:22 EST New to team Just to say Hi - Recently widowed and looking for the lighter side. I am refocusing my life on healthier habits and glad to be here. Wed, 13 Jul 2016 18:25:07 EST Good morning! Hello, I'm lquin456 and love jokes, funny quotes, and being silly. Lately, life has been crazy so this is the perfect team for me to give me a Smile daily. Laughter is wonderful medicine. <BR> <BR> I'm single, but do have a long time male friend I live with and my Son. One more year of high school for him and then off to college. My Daughter just graduated last month from WSU and now works and lives in Seattle. Where does the time go? so fast! <BR> <BR> I love skiing, mountain biking, Glamp... Thu, 30 Jun 2016 10:23:55 EST New to Team... Hello everyone! <BR> I'm Julie and I happened to find this team through my friend AMYJO1967, who, by the way has entered ONEDERLAND!!! <em>244</em> <em>243</em> Amy Jo!!! <BR> <BR> Hope to get to know everyone and share in the laughter and joy that this team seems to enjoy! <BR> <em>244</em> <em>334</em> Tue, 7 Jun 2016 22:16:11 EST New on Team Hello everyone <BR> <BR> I am giving myself a total new re-start Tue, 24 May 2016 07:23:54 EST What Is Your Animal Personality? Are you curious to discover what your animal personality is? Are you a wise owl, a loyal dog or maybe, an independent cat? Take this fun short quiz and find out and then let us know. <BR> <BR> <link><BR>id=19480 </link> <BR> <BR> I'm a Sweet Bear! <BR> <BR> You are a very warm and loving person. You love to enjoy quality time with your friends and family, venture out and laugh at every opportunity. You have a big heart, you love to help, and people a... Wed, 17 Feb 2016 14:50:43 EST Hi! I'm new! <em>213</em> <BR> Hi! <BR> <BR> I’m 65 and joined Spark in 2006. Spark helped me lose 40 pounds by 2008. I stayed mostly in goal range, fluctuating above at times, until life got in the way and I slowly regained about 15 pounds by this time last year. When my cholesterol went up last year and the doc wanted to put me on a statin I asked for some time to bring it down. He agreed, and I lost 20 pounds in 3 months and lowered my cholesterol. My weight is starting to creep up again, th... Tue, 12 Jan 2016 13:25:47 EST I'm the new kid on the block My name is Angie and I'm a married mama to 6 kids which keeps me hopping. My life is good and though it could definitely be better I can't dare complain. I've started a new spark account to reflect my new attitude towards life and being healthy. Hoping to meet lots of friends online and share life's laughs! Tue, 5 Jan 2016 18:56:42 EST The ABC'S of TV/Movie characters! In alphabetical order, name a character from TV or a movie. Here is the first one. <BR> <BR> Arthur Fonzirelli from Happy Days Sun, 8 Nov 2015 13:04:14 EST Hello Smiley People! Hi Smiley People! <BR> <BR> This team will be a good break for me, I'm thinking. :-) <BR> <BR> My name is Elisa from California. <BR> I'm around 57 years old and married. <BR> <BR> No kids. Had 2 cats that disappeared within weeks of each other. :-( <BR> I do crafts when it works out. <BR> <BR> I'm an author. (See my 'signature' at end of post.) <BR> Not sure what to call my humor, but it is there. <BR> <BR> My favorite things are .... hmmm.... I'll have to get back to you on that. ... Wed, 4 Nov 2015 19:35:11 EST Huddle? Remember the Huddle? {{new members will not) <BR> <BR> It was kind of like the "posting" to Team Wall. But there were items to select or you could "huddle" with your own phrase. <BR> <BR> Make it happen. <BR> Let's Go Team <BR> Woohoo <BR> I'm making progress <BR> Hi, I'm new. <BR> Reached a new goal. <BR> Visit my Sparkpage. <BR> Spread the spark. <BR> I need support. <BR> Hi new members. Wed, 2 Sep 2015 14:02:41 EST What is your favoriete snack? fruit or rice cake with LF peanut butter and SF strawberry jam Tue, 23 Jun 2015 17:53:11 EST Bucket List for June On my bucket list for June was to book a cruise to Hawaii, which I did, I also took on a challenge for 2 weeks to lose weight. 5 days into the challenge and I am tracking every day, monitoring my sodium and lost 2 lbs. It is not great, but it is a start. Bev Fri, 19 Jun 2015 17:53:56 EST If you wear a Fitbit you'll get this..... 1. When your husband/wife asks, "How did you sleep?" And your response is, "I haven't checked yet." <BR> <BR> guilty! Fri, 8 May 2015 15:09:07 EST Which Star Wars Character are you?<BR>now/2015/05/04/which-star-wars-charact<BR>er-are-you/26865081/ <BR> <BR> It's National Star Wars Day! Answer a few questions at the link above and find out which character you are. <BR> <BR> I'm Luke Skywalker. Mon, 4 May 2015 12:12:04 EST a counting video watch the video below --- and then reply with a count --- don't say anything else yet ...... <BR> <BR> <link> </link> <BR> <BR> Thu, 23 Apr 2015 16:14:17 EST No Peeking <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> I said NO PEEKING!! Gotcha! <BR> <BR> If you peeked, post your favorite color. Mon, 20 Apr 2015 15:20:53 EST healthier eating on a budget <link><BR>living-on-a-budget </link> <BR> <em>381</em> <BR> Sat, 11 Apr 2015 10:11:54 EST Funny photos <img src=""> Wed, 25 Mar 2015 20:58:40 EST New Hi I'm new to the team and I love to laugh and make people laugh. Thu, 5 Mar 2015 08:44:40 EST Hi Hello! I guess you all can relate when I say I'm tired of this struggle. The lighter side is absolutely what I need! I know that tracking my calorie intake is the beginning to making this change in my life. I am an empty nester, my twin daughters away at college this year and a stressful job. I am committed to myself and THRIVING everyday; it's amazing and I know will help me with this journey!! I hope you all will join me! Sat, 28 Feb 2015 12:41:07 EST I need the Lighter Side! Dear Team, <BR> I just discovered you while visiting 68Anne's homepage. I need some humor in my life. I am a teacher, and this is a stressful time for me! I am looking for some cute jokes for my class! <BR> Jackie Sun, 2 Nov 2014 05:51:49 EST SHAMPOO CAUTION !!! I posted this on another Forum as well, but I wanted to warn all my friends here, also. <BR> DO NOT WASH YOUR HAIR IN THE SHOWER! <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> I REPEAT, DO NOT wash your hair in the shower! <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> It's so good to finally get a health warning that is actually useful. <BR> <BR> <BR> IT INVOLVES YOUR SHAMPOO, WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. THIS IS A WARNING TO US ALL!!! <BR> <BR> <BR>... Wed, 6 Aug 2014 08:33:08 EST Hi! New to SP and I was searching the teams for something funny and this popped up! I'm an RN who retired about 3 years ago from a very active job. Needless to say the pounds have crept on to the tune of 35 or so. Looking to become more active and lose the weight, and to laugh a bit along the way ;-). Hi everyone! Sat, 14 Jun 2014 20:14:58 EST What's your version of optimism? I have the optimistic point of view as a turtle on her back, looking at the sky, <BR> believing she is flying <BR> <BR> <em>432</em> <BR> <em>134</em> <BR> <BR> <em>88</em> I'm flying! <em>243</em> <BR> <BR> <em>246</em> Sun, 8 Jun 2014 00:04:47 EST Hey All Hello, <BR> <BR> My name is Lisa and I live in Orange County CA. I cruised through some of the topics in this team and it was really funny! <BR> <BR> Thanks! <em>345</em> Thu, 6 Feb 2014 18:29:14 EST Hi there! My name is Kasey McFarland (no, I'm not Irish, but someday I will go there just to hear a real Irishman say my name :)). I'm here on Spark People to start shedding the extra 30 pounds I have gained in the last 5 years working full time as a secretary after being a very busy and active stay-at-home mom for many years. Sitting all day does NOT agree with me. You know that commercial, "a body in motion stays in motion and a body at rest, stays at rest"? Well, I've been resting for 5 years and I ... Tue, 28 Jan 2014 12:28:44 EST how cold is it?? remember the great Kreskin on Johnny Carson? <BR> How cold is it??? <BR> Mon, 27 Jan 2014 18:33:56 EST You and I are in the back of a police car... Copy this post, and change the last four words to your own ending. <BR> <BR> You and I are in the back of a police car together. <BR> Using only FOUR WORDS, you turn to me and say: <BR> <BR> "Well, THAT was fun!" <BR> <BR> Thu, 23 Jan 2014 02:18:20 EST Funny / cute pic Hope this is the place to post these. I enjoyed this and wanted to share. <em>41</em> <BR> <BR> <BR> <link><BR>02790203455345_R0tUPURF_c_large.jpg </link> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <link><BR>mblr_mjeabnR1iQ1rq9l6wo1_500_large.jpg </link> Sat, 11 Jan 2014 05:14:18 EST O_O hello, new to team Hi, I normally am the type of person that just reads threads,forums,posts. I need to change this an start taking hold of my life, get to know people and not be afraid to chat <BR> <BR> I just wanted to say hello and I am new to this team. Even if I don't post (due to fear) I am around and cheering everyone on towards their goals. <BR> <BR> Oh yeah... I need laughter in my life can't recall the last time I truly laugh. (been a while) <BR> <BR> A little bit more about me. <BR> (guideline... Fri, 10 Jan 2014 14:45:11 EST Water v. Wine I see Coach Nicole says that "The only drink you need is water." I beg to differ. <BR> To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. <BR> And those who don't and are always <BR> seen with a bottle of water in their hand. <BR> <BR> As Ben Franklin said: <BR> In wine there is wisdom, <BR> In beer there is freedom, <BR> In water there is bacteria. <BR> <BR> In a number of carefully controlled trials, <BR> Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink <BR> 1 litre of water each day, <BR> &#8203; ... Mon, 23 Dec 2013 08:19:24 EST Holiday Blessings Some thoughts for this holiday season...It is important to remember that not everyone is surrounded by large wonderful families. Some people have problems during the holidays and sometimes are overcome with great sadness when they remember the loved ones who are not with them. And, many people have no one to spend these times with and are besieged by loneliness. We all need caring, loving thoughts right now. May I ask my friends wherever you might be, to be kind to all those you see. Try to g... Sun, 15 Dec 2013 10:25:03 EST What is your elf name? I looked but did not see this posted already so my apologies if I missed it. <BR> <BR> Check out the link to see what your elf name would be: <BR> <BR> <link><BR>ould-your-name-be-find-out-now/ </link> <BR> <BR> Mine is Cookie Pickle-Pants <BR> <BR> <em>334</em> Mon, 9 Dec 2013 12:53:56 EST Thoughts as I Grow Older As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, <BR> I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore. <BR> <BR> If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. <BR> <BR> A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat. <BR> <BR> A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a <BR> tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for <BR> 150 years. <BR> And you tell me to exercise?? I don... Sun, 8 Dec 2013 15:20:32 EST hypnosis Look at your computer screen! <BR> Look deeper! <BR> LOOK DEEPER! <BR> DEEPER! <BR> You are getting sleepy! <BR> You are totally relaxed! <BR> You will be on program today! <BR> You will be on program tomorrow! <BR> You will stay on program for your life and continued good health! <BR> You will love the taste of vegetables! <BR> You will enjoy being on program! <BR> You will drink water and love it! <BR> Nothing will satisfy your thirst like water! <BR> You will move and stretch each day! <BR... Sun, 13 Oct 2013 08:53:19 EST Halloween Q. Where do movie stars go on Halloween? <BR> A. MaliBOO! <BR> <BR> Q. Why didn't Dracula have any friends? <BR> A. He was a pain in the neck! <BR> <BR> Q. What does a bird say at Halloween? <BR> A. "Twick or tweet." Sun, 13 Oct 2013 08:52:32 EST Nursing Home Humor <BR> M Y PRIVATE PART DIED <BR> <BR> <BR> An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. <BR> <BR> Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace. <BR> <BR> 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' <BR> <BR> Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, <BR> 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.' <BR> <BR... Thu, 10 Oct 2013 18:44:35 EST cute joke A 5 year old boy walks carefully down the aisle making sure the 2 rings don't fall off the pillow. He takes a step, stops and says "Grrrr!" and then continues on repeating step, stop, "Grrrr!" Finally he stands next to the groom (his uncle). His uncle leans over and asks "Why were you making that sound?" The boy looks up, smiles and says "I am the ring bear!" Sun, 6 Oct 2013 19:39:26 EST Howdy Hi all, <BR> <BR> Semi-new to SP (was on about 2 years ago), am back with a better attitude <em>198</em> . Looking to find some lightness along with losing some poundage--looks like this is the place! Sat, 5 Oct 2013 16:38:20 EST HOW HUMOR HELPS YOU COPE I am one of those people whom you would not invite to a funeral. In the midst of a serious situation I often have to supress laughter because the least little distraction will strike me funny. Even at my own Mother's funeral everyone commented that they had just seen her at the neighborhood restaurant called "THE HASTY TASTY". Well then didn't the priest add to her solemn eulogy that he had just talked to her at The Hasty Tasty? The theme of her fineral became THE HAST TASTY, which I fo... Tue, 24 Sep 2013 11:17:05 EST Sparkpeople Super Bowl Ad ?? Received this as an email, but wanted to pass it to as many as possible: <BR> Right now Intuit is running a contest for small businesses. The prize is a commercial during the Super Bowl. I don't know about you, but every time I see a commercial for Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig I wish that SP had the resources to do the same. This is their chance to get the word out on a huge scale. All they need is the support of people like us. <BR> <BR> Go to this website and vote for SparkPeople: (It ju... Sun, 22 Sep 2013 08:46:05 EST Add another log to the fire.... Greetings and Hello! Just signed up today and am finding SparkTeams that appeal to me to join. A 'place of humor and smiles' ... count me in! Laughter is good medicine and I want my daily dose. <em>213</em> Tue, 13 Aug 2013 19:31:36 EST JUST PLAIN COOL WORDS - a to z How about a new thread? This one goes a to z like the others, but is for words that you find interesting for whatever reason. I' ll start it with...... <BR> <BR> AARDVARK! <BR> <BR> Sat, 13 Jul 2013 08:55:51 EST Okay they're coming An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." <BR> <BR> "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. <BR> <BR> “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. <BR> <BR> Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. <BR> <BR> She says, "Like he... Tue, 9 Jul 2013 03:12:38 EST TV shows you miss Carol Burnett Show - that cast was hysterically funny!! Sat, 29 Jun 2013 18:09:02 EST Dear Weight Loss Fairy Dear Weight Loss Fairy: <BR> <BR> Time for some honesty. We both know our relationship has had its ups and downs over the years, and lately I haven't been feeling the love at all. <BR> <BR> Now don't get mad, but yesterday I heard an Aretha Franklin song that I'm dedicating to you: <BR> <BR> "You lift me up <BR> When I'm on the ground <BR> But as soon as I get up now <BR> You send me tumblin' down <BR> <BR> Your love is like a see saw <BR> Your love is like a see saw baby <BR> Yo... Sat, 15 Jun 2013 09:02:16 EST Apology letter The following letter was sent today by Bank of America to all of its debit card customers: <BR> <BR> Dear Valued Customer: <BR> <BR> As most of you probably know by now, last month we instituted a $5 monthly fee for all of our debit card users. To say that what followed this decision was a sh!tstorm would be a massive understatement. <BR> <BR> Considering that just three years earlier taxpayers had bailed us out with billions of their hard-earned dollars, it’s understandable that Bank of ... Thu, 13 Jun 2013 15:52:22 EST Tray up please My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who <BR> seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and <BR> drinks. <BR> <BR> As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle <BR> and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be <BR> landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just <BR> put your trays up, that would be super." <BR> <BR> On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dre... Wed, 12 Jun 2013 19:51:43 EST Headlines of the future HEADLINE NEWS....... 2029..?? <BR> <BR> Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. <BR> <BR> White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. <BR> <BR> Spotted Owl plague threatens north-western United States crops and livestock. <BR> <BR> Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped. <BR> <BR> Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marria... Wed, 12 Jun 2013 19:35:58 EST Emergency Flashers I had a flat tire on the interstate, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. <BR> <BR> I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. <BR> <BR> They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! <BR> <BR> They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers. <BR> <BR> To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made... Tue, 11 Jun 2013 14:02:24 EST All new 5 minute management course Management Course <BR> <BR> Lesson 1: <BR> A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. <BR> <BR> The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. <BR> <BR> When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor <BR> <BR> Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' <BR> <BR> After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a... Tue, 11 Jun 2013 14:00:09 EST Kids say the darndest things TEACHER: Why are you late? <BR> STUDENT: Class started before I got here. <BR> <BR> TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? <BR> JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. <BR> <BR> TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' <BR> GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' <BR> TEACHER: No, that's wrong <BR> GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. <BR> <BR> TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? <BR> DONALD: H I J K L M N O... Mon, 10 Jun 2013 18:48:30 EST British Classified ads FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. <BR> 8 years old, <BR> Hateful little bastard. <BR> Bites! <BR> <BR> FREE PUPPIES <BR> 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. <BR> <BR> FREE PUPPIES. <BR> Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. <BR> Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. <BR> <BR> <BR> COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. <BR> Also 1 gay bull for sale. <BR> <BR> <BR> JOINING NUDIST COLONY! <BR> Must sell washer and dryer £100. <BR> <BR> <BR> WEDDING DRESS F... Mon, 10 Jun 2013 18:43:10 EST Does everyone remember this message? hi and welcome to the lighterside, it is a great bunch of active members that love to laugh, no rules, we post what we want when we want!! It can be serious or funny!! <BR> <BR> we have two sections the upper half is clean fun and chatting , and lots of games !!! <BR> <BR> bottom half is for un clean jokes and some talk that may make some blush!! but never anything too awful!! but if u are one to take offense easily, you might want to stay away from the lounge and naughty no no's section ... Mon, 10 Jun 2013 17:31:17 EST Need a push *copied from another thread* <BR> <BR> <BR> A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. <BR> <BR> "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" <BR> <BR> He slams the door and returns to bed. <BR> <BR> "Who was that?" asked his wife. <BR> <BR> "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. <BR> <BR> "Did you help ... Mon, 10 Jun 2013 02:59:17 EST Farewell Most, if not all, of the jokes I've posted in this group have been darker or off color and despite notice, I've been reported and my posts removed. Since this is an open group and anyone can come in and report or complain about another, I am leaving. The purpose of the group is to share laughter and jokes, that purpose can not be met by tantrums and pouting. Be well! <BR> p.s. <BR> I was the only *active* leader...someone else will need to step up and fill those shoes. Sat, 1 Jun 2013 18:00:21 EST Blondes An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. <BR> He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. <BR> After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, <BR> “Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?” <BR> The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. <BR> In a verydeep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only <BR> fair, considering that you are blind, that you should know five things: <BR> 1. The bartender ... Sat, 1 Jun 2013 02:49:46 EST Late Night Vet Call <BR> A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. <BR> <BR> She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, <BR> rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. <BR> <BR> Unable to separate them, and per... Sun, 26 May 2013 14:16:24 EST Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying night! <BR> Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack, his heart knows better than to attack him! <BR> Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo went into hiding. <BR> Chuck Norris knows where Waldo is though. <BR> Chuck Norris goes into Burger King and orders a Big Mac, and he gets it! <BR> If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris! <BR> Chuck Norris does not read books, he stares them down until he gets the information h... Fri, 24 May 2013 16:35:03 EST nutrition for dummies Nutrition for Dummies (Craig’s version) <BR> <BR> 1. Don’t eat anything bigger than your head. Unless it’s a watermelon. Or you have a tiny head. <BR> <BR> 2. If your meal arrives through a car window via a teenager wearing a headset, don’t eat it. <BR> <BR> 3. If it comes in an exciting range of fluorescent colours, don’t eat it. <BR> <BR> 4. Don’t confuse the marketing on the front (of the pack) with the nutritional information in the teeny-tiny box on the back. <BR> <BR> 5. Nobod... Fri, 24 May 2013 16:31:18 EST Cows this one's older, been around a long time and may be outdated* <BR> TWO COWS <BR> DEMOCRATIC. You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you. <BR> <BR> REPUBLICAN. You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? <BR> <BR> SOCIALIST. You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. <BR> <BR> COMMUNIST. You have two cows. The government sei... Fri, 24 May 2013 16:03:43 EST New training program In order to assure the highest levels of quality and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). <BR> We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than any other firm. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing you get ... Thu, 23 May 2013 15:31:23 EST Ponderables Can you cry under water? <BR> How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? <BR> If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? <BR> Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round? <BR> Why do you have to "put your two cents in" ...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to? <BR> Why does a round pizza come in a square box? <BR> What disease did cured ham actually have? <BR> How is... Wed, 22 May 2013 18:02:05 EST Free Drinks For Everyone! <em>181</em> <BR> <BR> One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. <BR> <BR> The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the d... Fri, 17 May 2013 23:17:38 EST Ugly Boy A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. <BR> <BR> Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. <BR> <BR> The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby. <BR> <BR> He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." <BR> <BR> When his wif... Tue, 14 May 2013 20:12:02 EST Battle of the Genders Post your gender specific jokes right here, in reply. Tue, 14 May 2013 14:47:23 EST A farmer A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked. The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over." "That's not so bad, what's... Mon, 13 May 2013 13:47:45 EST Nurses aren't supposed to laugh... "Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. <BR> In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." <BR> <BR> "Okay then," said Bill, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, <BR> revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. <BR> In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery. <BR> <BR> Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, <BR> but it just came out. And then she started laughing <BR> at the fact that she was laughing. <... Sat, 11 May 2013 06:43:01 EST Mayonnaise Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. <BR> <BR> But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo wa... Mon, 6 May 2013 18:03:58 EST Teachers Teacher and her 3 boy students: <BR> <BR> Teacher: “Why did you laugh?” <BR> Boy 1: “I saw a strap of your bra.” <BR> Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one week.” <BR> <BR> Boy 2 laughed… <BR> Teacher: “Why did you laugh?” <BR> Boy 2: “I saw your bra straps.” <BR> Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one month.” <BR> <BR> Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class… <BR> Teacher: “Why are you leaving?” <BR> Boy 3: “I... Sat, 4 May 2013 16:19:49 EST Visitors I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… Damn mosquito!!! Sat, 4 May 2013 16:17:48 EST Neighbours One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. <BR> <BR> “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother to embarrassed to tell her little girl about sex so, she makes up an answer. <BR> <BR> “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” <BR> <BR> The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bot... Sat, 4 May 2013 16:17:22 EST Wal-Mart FUN When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling "RED ROVER!" <BR> <BR> Hold indoor shopping cart races <BR> <BR> When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles <BR> <BR> Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out <BR> <BR> Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign it <BR> <BR> Play a game of indoor freeze tag <BR> <BR> Do your shopping from other peoples carts <BR> <BR> Have a deep,... Fri, 3 May 2013 18:19:18 EST Fly in hunting trip Two hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy, Mick & ... Fri, 3 May 2013 18:15:46 EST Funny one-liners Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population. <BR> <BR> Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. <BR> <BR> If I had a voice like Morgan Freeman, I would just walk around the streets following people and pretend to narrate their lives. <BR> <BR> Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine... <BR> <BR> Do you ever wonder if people in England walk around ... Fri, 3 May 2013 14:48:32 EST Hostage situation At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladies room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup. I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a note under the door. "You win," it read. Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot." <BR> <BR> Wed, 1 May 2013 14:37:39 EST Meter guys Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. <BR> <BR> At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. <BR> <BR> Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove tha... Wed, 1 May 2013 14:37:01 EST Mystics In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: <BR> <BR> "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. <BR> <BR> Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." <BR> <BR> Visibly shaken, she stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. <BR> <BR> She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had t... Mon, 29 Apr 2013 01:40:35 EST Oops Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in their faces. <BR> <BR> To her surprise, however, the door did not close, and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open. <BR> <BR> Convinced these rude young people were ... Fri, 26 Apr 2013 19:44:09 EST Americans The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." <BR> <BR> The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?" <BR> <BR> The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another tr... Sun, 21 Apr 2013 23:56:40 EST Smells Nice Sorry I posted in the wrong place lol so the joke packed up and move <em>245</em> Wed, 10 Apr 2013 21:33:34 EST It's better It's better to laugh or to giggle, <BR> than to eat more and jiggle! <em>2</em> Mon, 8 Apr 2013 13:39:05 EST The cat We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the back yard. <BR> <BR> We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house. <BR> <BR> As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat th... Sun, 24 Mar 2013 04:45:32 EST When life gives you lemons.... ...keep them, because, hey: Free Lemons! <BR> ...stuff them down your shirt and make boobs! <BR> ...ask for the receipt so you can exchange them for oranges! Fri, 22 Mar 2013 16:18:58 EST Greetings! Glad i found this team, i could always use a laugh <em>20</em> Fri, 22 Mar 2013 16:05:27 EST Forty years of marriage <BR> 40 years of marriage.. <BR> <BR> A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. <BR> <BR> Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. <BR> <BR> She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' <BR> <BR> The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.' <BR> <B... Tue, 19 Mar 2013 22:28:17 EST Answers for those not from Alaska There is no such thing as Alaskan Money, we are part of the USA and use american currency. <BR> The Aurora Borealis or "Northern Lights" is not a man-made laser light show. <BR> Alaska has more hours of sunlight in the summer, and like everywhere else, there are still only twenty four hours in a day. ( I had cousins in Spokane convinced that we had rotating days here, with as few as 12 hours a day in winter and 36 in the summer). <BR> Alaskans don't have to lie (but a few still do, usually fi... Sat, 16 Mar 2013 01:30:52 EST A Canadian View of US Tourists Questions asked of Canadian Park Rangers <BR> <BR> These claim to be TRUE questions, as heard at the information <BR> kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff! You be the judge. <BR> <BR> 1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk <BR> Crossing" signs? <BR> <BR> 2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose? <BR> <BR> 3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" <BR> Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' " <BR> Tourist: "Oh". <BR> <BR> 4. Are the bears... Thu, 14 Mar 2013 01:56:58 EST Pearly Gates I saw this on another thread, thought I'd share here <em>20</em> <BR> 3 pastors and their wives are driving to a conference. There is a car wreck and all 6 die at the crash site. <BR> <BR> At the pearly gates, the first one walks up to St. Peter and says, "I'll just go on in. I know I'm on the list." <BR> St. Peter replies, "no, sir, I'm sorry I do not see your name." <BR> "WHAT? I devoted my life to doing the Lord's work!" <BR> St. Peter says, "Yes sir. I understand. But all your life, ... Wed, 13 Mar 2013 17:07:50 EST Bumble Bee Tuna Guilty of Promoting Promiscuity in Pinapeds <BR> <BR> Immorality Among Loose Seals: <BR> <BR> SparkPeople has a scoop on seals fouling Bumblebee Tuna. And, don't get me started on the walruses ... <BR> <BR> <link><BR>health_news_detail.asp?health_day=674245 </link> <BR> <BR> <em>211</em> <em>43</em> <em>40</em> <em>100</em> <em>334</em> <BR> Sat, 9 Mar 2013 23:19:00 EST I made my first goal!! I am now weighing in at 195!! I met my original goal!! I am now going for 184 so I can be in the normal range for my BWI.. Mon, 25 Feb 2013 06:10:47 EST The perfect cake THE PERFECT CAKE <BR> <BR> <BR> Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. <BR> <BR> She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. <BR> <BR> But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat ... Fri, 22 Feb 2013 18:16:40 EST Airline Humor Subject: Quantas <BR> After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quanta... Fri, 22 Feb 2013 18:09:17 EST Sick Leave Sick Leave <BR> <BR> I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. <BR> I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off. <BR> So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. <BR> My co-worker (who's blond) asked me what I was doing. <BR> I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off. <BR> A few minutes later the Boss cam... Fri, 22 Feb 2013 18:03:06 EST *adult* Miracle Grow One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. <BR> The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. He hollered into the bathroom, 'Why... Fri, 22 Feb 2013 15:50:32 EST I want a bike So Little Timmy is Playing with His Legos...when all of a sudden his mother comes up to him. She tells him "Timmy, when your father comes home can you tell him to come to our room? Tell him it's very very important". Timmy agrees and continues to play with his legos. A couple of hours later the father comes home and Timmy runs to him and says "Daddy! Mommy says she needs you go to your bedroom, she said it's very very important!". The father starts heading to the bedroom, but Timmy begins to ... Sun, 17 Feb 2013 14:34:46 EST Hermaphrodite A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." <BR> <BR> The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby doctor? What's wrong?" <BR> <BR> The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." <BR> <BR> The woman is confused. "A... hermaphrodite..... what's that?" <BR> <BR> The doctor replies, "Well, it means your baby has t... Sun, 17 Feb 2013 14:32:44 EST Hot momma A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical check up. <BR> <BR> A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. <BR> <BR> At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" <BR> <BR> The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." <BR> <BR> The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful." Sun, 17 Feb 2013 14:00:55 EST Refills THE OLDER CROWD <BR> <BR> A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?' <BR> 'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her. <BR> There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.' Sat, 16 Feb 2013 22:43:34 EST Assurances An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, <BR> a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. <BR> As he was about to get the anesthesia,he asked to speak to his son. <BR> 'Yes, Dad, what is it? ' <BR> 'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.' Sat, 16 Feb 2013 22:42:14 EST Where's my wife? Two guys one old one young are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. <BR> The old guy says to the young guy, "sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." <BR> <BR> The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." <BR> <BR> The old guy says, "well, maybe I can help you find her..what does she look like?" <BR> <BR> The young guy... Sat, 16 Feb 2013 22:38:44 EST *adult* You won't believe what happened! One morning at a doctor's office a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. <BR> The doctor examines him and asks him -"OK, what happened to your back?" <BR> The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club, right? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a m... Wed, 13 Feb 2013 02:13:36 EST Three-year sparker, 1st day lighter side team Hi just joined your team if that is ok. I've been on and off SP since 2009 but rededicated since August 2012. I finally met my goal but staying active on the site to keep from gaining weight again like I always do. <BR> <BR> I LOVE being goofy, sometimes more so when I'm down! <BR> <BR> <em>213</em> Mon, 11 Feb 2013 20:01:33 EST Hallmark Cards that didn't make it "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." <BR> <BR> "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?" <BR> <BR> "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind. " <BR> <BR> "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you. " <BR> <BR> "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking? " <BR> <BR> "As t... Sun, 10 Feb 2013 15:03:42 EST Sales job A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. <BR> <BR> The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota." <BR> <BR> Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. <BR> <BR> "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." <BR> <BR> His first day on the job... Sat, 9 Feb 2013 16:52:10 EST 3rd grade A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" <BR> Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" <BR> <BR> Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. <BR> While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brook... Sat, 9 Feb 2013 15:30:59 EST Liars Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? <BR> <BR> Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. <BR> <BR> Woman: Oh, I see. <BR> <BR> Officer: Can I see your license please? <BR> <BR> Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. <BR> <BR> Officer: Don't have one? <BR> <BR> Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. <BR> <BR> Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. <BR> <BR> Woman: I can't do that. <BR> <BR> Officer: Why not? <BR> <BR> Woman: I stole this car. <BR> <B... Thu, 7 Feb 2013 11:49:38 EST 11 minutes A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. <BR> <BR> At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. <BR> <BR> He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. <BR> <BR> Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently ra... Tue, 5 Feb 2013 15:17:20 EST Come out There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. <BR> <BR> After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" <BR> <BR> The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." <BR> <BR> The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She ... Sun, 3 Feb 2013 15:19:53 EST Anniversary troubles Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. <BR> <BR> She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" <BR> <BR> The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife wokeup, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a boxgift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. <BR> <BR> Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brough... Sat, 26 Jan 2013 03:11:16 EST I want... So Little Timmy is Playing with His Legos...when all of a sudden his mother comes up to him. She tells him "Timmy, when your father comes home can you tell him to come to our room? Tell him it's very very important". Timmy agrees and continues to play with his legos. A couple of hours later the father comes home and Timmy runs to him and says "Daddy! Mommy says she needs you go to your bedroom, she said it's very very important!". The father starts heading to the bedroom, but Timmy begins to ... Sat, 26 Jan 2013 03:10:08 EST Bubba A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. <BR> <BR> The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?' <BR> <BR> The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into... Sat, 26 Jan 2013 03:08:43 EST Hi! Just wanted to say hi and I'm glad there is a team that likes to use humor. I live in Oklahoma. I really want to lose weight because I am tired of looking like the Michelin tire man when I look in the mirror (especially the back side all that fat rolling over). :) Mon, 21 Jan 2013 20:38:31 EST I am here after reading Andy's blog I read Andy's blog about a chocolate covered salmon and discovered how much I enjoyed some humor and decided to join this group. Looking forward to sharing some laughs. Thu, 10 Jan 2013 20:50:11 EST Plan B Please! LOL <link>elizabethgentlenoexcuses.files.wordp<BR> </link> Mon, 7 Jan 2013 22:19:25 EST Hi from the Couch Hi folks! I'm Susan, 52, from Texas. Married, with 2 cats, 1 neurotic chiweenie dog, 10 guinea pigs, and 10 tarantulas. Love to read and do needlework. Work as an admin associate in a university but am looking to make a career change, and reallllly out of shape (I used to be round but I've warped into more of an oval these days). Maxine is my hero but I love humor of pretty much all kinds. Glad to have found y'all. <BR> <em>213</em> <BR> Mon, 31 Dec 2012 00:48:14 EST Second time the charm Married 36 years-3 children grown -2 girls -1 boy- son in college living with my husband and me- girls are married one has a girl 2 and one has 2 boys 12 and 6 - all my pride and joy. Lost my job in July still looking. Tried Spark before- failed -trying again.Lot of problems but have decided to approach this differently.Better attitude and look after me -about time after 54 years.Use to be Hot I would like to at least be Warm before I leave this world.:Lol Wish me Luck! Sat, 29 Dec 2012 21:30:32 EST Blond joke <BR> <BR> <BR> A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a <BR> blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde, <BR> the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting <BR> next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to <BR> your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is <BR> blonde. Think about it, Mister. ... Sat, 22 Dec 2012 01:46:19 EST A holiday serenade My favorite holiday video - <BR> <BR> <link> </link> <BR> <BR> Enjoy! <BR> <BR> <em>442</em> Sat, 8 Dec 2012 08:58:20 EST Alright people don't forget this important event! <link><BR>/245727723390053182_WgbEQPiP_c.jpg </link> Tue, 4 Dec 2012 14:31:40 EST Santa ...Maxine add 13 words to make it funny! Maxine, dressed in red Pajamas with a kerchief on her head split her pants Thu, 15 Nov 2012 00:26:37 EST This Explains it all......LOL<BR>ercards/1339106237576_6994250.png Wed, 14 Nov 2012 08:59:26 EST Earrings The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings." <BR> <em>334</em> Fri, 9 Nov 2012 17:33:08 EST Speeding A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. <BR> <BR> "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for thi... Tue, 30 Oct 2012 10:28:16 EST Garfield!!!!!! I LOVE Garfield..... <BR> <BR> <link><BR>Wyx7rI/AAAAAAAAA4g/QUULNA1y-Jo/s1600/g<BR>arfield+and+scale.gif </link> Fri, 26 Oct 2012 13:58:46 EST Any other old people? Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, <BR> only to completely forget what that purpose was? <BR> Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses. <BR> Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. <BR> Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room <BR> and prepares a blank slate f... Mon, 22 Oct 2012 18:50:44 EST I subscribe to Had to share this one: <BR> <BR> You Don't Need to Be a Weatherman... <BR> <BR> It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang. <BR> <BR> The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down. <BR> <BR> His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" <BR> <BR> The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear... Thu, 4 Oct 2012 17:47:31 EST PUSH THAT TUSH Humor PUSH THAT TUSH -- Trick or Treat <BR> please click on the link below <BR> <link><BR>urnal_individual.asp?blog_id=5086070 </link> <BR> <BR> <em>381</em> The Trick is to Treat yourself to a smaller size.... <BR> <BR> this is a pre-Halloween blog...I'm having way too much fun with.... <BR> I see a part 2 in the future...... <BR> enjoy Thu, 4 Oct 2012 11:10:37 EST Newbie I want in on the Fun!! Have been looking for a SP team that has some daily activity. Are we allowed to post funnies - as in Martha's.. or is that considered a copyright or something?? Humor keeps me sane. I am Bis from South Carolina. Nurse doing the night shift - and struggling with motivation. Would love to hear from all!! Thanks -Bis Thu, 4 Oct 2012 07:49:01 EST Add 5wirds to my story to make it funny And with winged candy canes Tue, 2 Oct 2012 09:51:48 EST I finally have our answer to weight gain....LOL WARNING! <BR> Don't wash your hair in the shower <BR> It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!! <BR> <BR> IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO THAT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN <BR> YOU SHOWER WITH IT. WARNING TO US ALL!!! <BR> <BR> I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! <BR> I use shampoo in the shower! <BR> When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole <BR> body, and Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: <BR> <BR> "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME." ... Wed, 26 Sep 2012 10:58:49 EST Yes! I love this team! Sometimes it just gets a little heavy on spark lol. Hello. Thu, 23 Aug 2012 23:25:27 EST Coming out of the closet, lol I've been coming here every morning for a while now...I just love catching up on all the 'funnies'. It really makes for a great start to my day <BR> <BR> I'm 40 years old, married and have two boys (16 and 20 years old). <BR> I live out in the middle of nowhere..a very rural location within the Mojave National Preserve here in CA... Population, 12 people...and I'm a 100 miles from any type of grocery store, in any direction....but it's home and we love it out here. <BR> <BR> I actually joi... Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:06:33 EST Thank you :) I just wanted to say thank you to the team members and leaders on here. It's been a while since I last posted on here..I've been sitting on the sidelines and 'lurking' <em>20</em> but I love coming here every morning to catch up on my daily 'funnies'.. <BR> <BR> ((HUGS)) Thu, 16 Aug 2012 14:40:15 EST walking Note to self, and anyone who may be reading this, when timing your walk to check your progress, take along the shepherd and leave the dachsund at home!!! Mon, 13 Aug 2012 20:47:57 EST Hello Funny People Hello Funny People <em>213</em> <BR> <BR> You can call me Tiny - and I'm not gonna tell you HOW tiny! I'm 63 years young, quite happily divorced for more than 37 years <em>334</em> , and have been in the Great State of Arkansas, The Natural State, all my life. I have 2 grown children and 5 grandchildren, who are the light of my life. I have 3 wonderful dogs, all rescues, a black, long-haired retriever mix, a terrier mix and a full-blooded July Coonhound (Bet you've never heard of a July,... Mon, 6 Aug 2012 13:54:23 EST Motivated Newbie The truth is, I've never much thought about what I eat, or how much exercise I'm getting, but I feel like I have always thought about how I look. I'm finally ready to take that step out of denial and put two and two together. I'm 27 years old and ready to start life-long habits that will keep me fit and healthy for a lifetime. <BR> <BR> My Goals: <BR> -Lose 44 pounds in the next 10 months <BR> -Look and feel better in my clothes <BR> -Get back in the habit of regular exercise <BR> -Eat out ... Sun, 5 Aug 2012 23:57:23 EST I'm just sayin!!! So, I'm reading one of today's Sparkpeople Daily blogs and it is about finding the perfect workout bra. Off to the side, there is an advertisement that says "Bras for Full Figures"...the writing below goes on to say "For C Through DD Cup Sizes. Xtra Support for Hi-Impact Sports" <BR> <BR> Full-figured, really? They wouldn't work for me! LOL! Tue, 31 Jul 2012 19:59:16 EST Hunting Two hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy, Mick & ... Mon, 30 Jul 2012 21:50:03 EST Random Someone please tell me what exactly is a "Diddley squat" <BR> <BR> I've picked the house,car, winter home and summer home. Now all I need to pick are the winning lotto numbers. <BR> <BR> I did the "Neighborhood Watch" thing...and my neighbors called the cops on me. <BR> <BR> I'll only share my animal crackers with you if you make the noise that the animal makes before you eat the cracker. <BR> <BR> When someone texts you "What are you doing?" Text back "Look out your window" <BR> <B... Mon, 30 Jul 2012 21:48:40 EST When bored at work Walk by a door & randomly peek your head inside. <BR> <BR> If you walk by a counter start to move your arms as if you are rowing a boat. Or move like you are on a moving sidewalk. <BR> <BR> Answer the phone & say: "Pizza Hut, may I take your order?" <BR> <BR> Wave to people and see who waves back. <BR> <BR> Randomly text message someone, you want to break up with them. <BR> <BR> When your office phone rings, answer it and say you'll call them back because you're in the middle of tra... Mon, 30 Jul 2012 21:46:30 EST Silly puns What do you do when your chair breaks? <BR> Call a chairman. <BR> <BR> What bird can lift the most? <BR> A crane. <BR> <BR> What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? <BR> Wet feet. <BR> <BR> What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover? <BR> A rash of good luck. <BR> <BR> What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors? <BR> A piano. <BR> <BR> What has 6 eyes but can't see? <BR> 3 blind mice. <BR> <BR> What has one horn and gives milk? ... Mon, 30 Jul 2012 21:44:42 EST hello and help!!!! My name is Kate and i need to lose 20-25 pounds. I need all the help i can get!!! Mon, 23 Jul 2012 12:15:04 EST Hi from Florida! Hi! This is Kelly from Florida! I am always looking for Fun and a Good Laugh so I thought this might be a good place for me...that, and I can be a copycat and I see that one of my SparkFriends just joined (2BDYNAMIC) so I had to join too! Sun, 15 Jul 2012 20:03:16 EST Just getting started/need to laugh Hi .I need more laughter in my life . I'm just getting started .Need to lose 300+ lbs. Hope this will help me to meet my goals. Sat, 14 Jul 2012 07:47:24 EST hello I'm jocelyn this is technically day 2 on this site and i love it i got my friend into it and i am now working on my dad I'm excited to be in this community because i love to laugh Fri, 13 Jul 2012 20:43:10 EST Ready for some chuckles ! <em>213</em> <BR> I'm new to the team but have been with Spark for several years. I love the idea of this team ! A daily laugh is just what I need ! <BR> <em>334</em> Mon, 9 Jul 2012 15:31:15 EST Funny Roses are Red Jokes Roses are red <BR> Violets are green <BR> If Scope doesn't work <BR> Use Literine <BR> <BR> Roese are red <BR> Violets are pink <BR> If you are thirsty <BR> Take a drink (water) Sun, 8 Jul 2012 07:28:37 EST I think this will work LOL maybe it will help lol <BR> <BR> <BR> <link><BR>4UWGpI/AAAAAAAACrA/pJN-EIl7MCg/s1600/W<BR>eight_scale_cartoon.jpg </link> Tue, 26 Jun 2012 18:17:51 EST summer fun ....Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! <em>334</em> Thu, 14 Jun 2012 12:53:39 EST On the LIGHTER side? Hmmmm.... Maybe I should come back when I've lost a few more lbs. Ok maybe a *lot* more. <BR> <BR> Anywaaaay---I'm a rookie sparkette hoping to find a few online buddies--pref. those with less than 100 online friends, oh and pleasantly weird, goofy, and slightly insane--but not in a criminal way. <BR> <BR> Later sparky gators~ Sat, 19 May 2012 20:12:38 EST Funny Facebook Fails <link><BR>136320/10_ridiculously_funny_facebook_<BR>fails </link> Fri, 20 Apr 2012 17:21:16 EST Funny one-liners I tried to be good, then I got bored. <BR> <BR> The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of YOUR OWN sentence. That way, they never suspect you hung up on them. <BR> <BR> Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream 'WAIT DON'T HANG UP!' right as they're hanging up and then not answer when they call back. <BR> <BR> Two Great Rules of Life <BR> 1. Never tell everything at once. <BR> <BR> I think I missed the driver ed class on how inching forward every 5... Thu, 12 Apr 2012 18:28:35 EST Management course Management Course <BR> <BR> Lesson 1: <BR> A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. <BR> <BR> The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. <BR> <BR> When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor <BR> <BR> Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' <BR> <BR> After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a... Wed, 11 Apr 2012 02:14:05 EST You might be a Redneck if... ...your birth annoucement included the words "rug rat". <em>334</em> Thu, 5 Apr 2012 08:41:04 EST giving thanks I know it's way late or way early but I love this one... <BR> <BR> One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. <BR> <BR> When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in ... Thu, 5 Apr 2012 01:30:02 EST New C.E.O. A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. <BR> <BR> On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! <BR> <BR> The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" <BR> <BR> The CEO then hands the guy ... Wed, 4 Apr 2012 21:17:38 EST Be nice to the nurse A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. <BR> <BR> The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. <BR> She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." <BR> After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his <BR> arms and opened his mouth. <BR>... Tue, 3 Apr 2012 22:27:38 EST Father A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. <BR> <BR> The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. <BR> <BR> The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.' <BR> <BR> The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' <BR> <BR> The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.' <BR> <BR> The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn'... Tue, 3 Apr 2012 22:26:50 EST Revenge. served with cake! You got to love this guy... <BR> This is a true story about a recent <BR> wedding that took place at Clemson University . <BR> It was in the local newspaper and even <BR> Jay Leno mentioned it. <BR> <BR> It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. <BR> <BR> After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage <BR> with a microphone to talk to the crowd. <BR> He said he wanted to thank <BR> everyone for coming, many from <BR> long distances, to support them ... Tue, 3 Apr 2012 22:26:14 EST Now who doesn’t love Frank?!! Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. <BR> <BR> She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one after noon. <BR> <BR> She emphatically told Frank (and several others) t... Tue, 3 Apr 2012 22:25:30 EST The good life The secret to a good life... <BR> <BR> A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady above, sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?" <BR> "I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get a little lovin', and don't exercise... Fri, 30 Mar 2012 21:43:31 EST Good bye mom A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. <BR> Furthermore she kept staring at him. <BR> She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." <BR> <BR> He answered, "That's okay." <BR> <BR> "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."... Fri, 30 Mar 2012 21:42:53 EST Flat tires I had a flat tire on the interstate, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. <BR> <BR> I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. <BR> <BR> They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! <BR> <BR> They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers. <BR> <BR> To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made... Wed, 28 Mar 2012 12:43:13 EST Yuppie Dude A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car. <BR> <BR> "Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" <BR> <BR> "You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off." <BR> <BR> "Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, ... Mon, 26 Mar 2012 20:35:08 EST Seeing Eye Dog One day, a blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. <BR> <BR> The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his c... Sat, 24 Mar 2012 23:24:24 EST Chain email Funny Ridiculous chain letter <BR> <BR> If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" <BR> <BR> Delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. <BR> Apparently this one is pretty nasty. <BR> It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. <BR> It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. <BR> It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scr... Mon, 19 Mar 2012 19:34:50 EST Pilots and ATC After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then <BR> the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. <BR> <BR> Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked w... Mon, 19 Mar 2012 19:31:49 EST More Fun with telemarketers What to say to a telemarketer! One of the things that has always bugged me (and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was from AT&T, and it went something like this: <BR> <BR> Me: Hello <BR> <BR> AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T.... <BR> <BR> Me: Is this AT&T? <BR> <BR> AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.... <BR> <BR> Me: ... Mon, 19 Mar 2012 18:11:42 EST 20 Responses to Telemarketers <BR> 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. <BR> <BR> 2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . " <BR> <BR> 3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask the... Mon, 19 Mar 2012 15:45:48 EST Fatal Things To Say To Your Pregnant Wife <BR> 17. "I finished the Oreo's." <BR> <BR> 16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds." <BR> <BR> 15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby." <BR> <BR> 14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever." <BR> <BR> 13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl." <BR> <BR> 12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella." <BR>... Mon, 19 Mar 2012 15:43:06 EST A Different Type of Humor Thanks to 23KAIYA, we have access to a joke to helps us tighten our abdominals on a daily basis. <BR> <BR> She is obviously a sweet lady, kind and gentle natured. <BR> <BR> I, on the other hand, am a pugnacious old Type A f@rt who needs a little vinegar on his spinach and peas, and puts salt on watermelon and cantaloupe. <BR> <BR> In no way am I taking anything away from 23KAIYA. From time to time, I will be offering a not so sweet joke - but one that is able to be told in mixed company, ... Mon, 19 Mar 2012 15:31:02 EST Daddy The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. <BR> Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it. <BR> The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time. We'll miss him." <BR> "Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one per... Mon, 19 Mar 2012 14:21:39 EST Microsoft VS GM GM versus Microsoft... <BR> <BR> At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." <BR> <BR> In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating that if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following charact... Mon, 19 Mar 2012 14:14:49 EST Burglar!!! A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. ‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ says the desk sergeant. <BR> <BR> ‘No, no, no! says the man. ‘I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!’ <em>334</em> Sun, 18 Mar 2012 14:22:09 EST Fail NEW INVENTIONS <BR> <BR> The water-proof towel <BR> <BR> Glow in the dark sunglasses <BR> <BR> Solar powered flashlight <BR> <BR> Submarine screen door <BR> <BR> A book on how to read <BR> <BR> Inflatable dart board <BR> <BR> A dictionary index <BR> <BR> Powdered water <BR> <BR> Water proof tea bags <BR> <BR> Zero proof alcohol <BR> <BR> Reusable ice cubes <BR> <BR> Skinless bananas <BR> <BR> Do it yourself roadmap <BR> <BR> Thu, 15 Mar 2012 18:19:55 EST Fun suggestions 1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. <BR> <BR> 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." <BR> <BR> 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." <BR> <BR> 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." <BR> <BR> 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. <BR> <BR> 6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to ... Thu, 15 Mar 2012 18:19:06 EST Perfect Husband? THE PERFECT HUSBAND <BR> <BR> Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. <BR> <BR> MAN: "Hello" <BR> <BR> WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" <BR> <BR> MAN: "Yes" <BR> <BR> WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" <BR> <BR> MAN: "Sure, go ahead if y... Thu, 15 Mar 2012 18:01:02 EST NEW TO THE TEAM I PLEASE CALL ME KATHY AND I DO HAVE A SENCE OF HUMOR Wed, 14 Mar 2012 16:59:57 EST Whale please Recently, in large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said: <BR> <BR> THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE? <BR> <BR> A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym. <BR> <BR> To Whom It May Concern: <BR> <BR> Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They hav... Wed, 14 Mar 2012 15:46:55 EST 6 again A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not <BR> far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. <BR> <BR> 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror . <BR> <BR> On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the ... Fri, 2 Mar 2012 21:04:31 EST *Adult* 10 year old love story A 10 Year Old's Love Story <BR> <BR> Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. <BR> <BR> Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." <BR> <BR> Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"... Thu, 9 Feb 2012 19:05:02 EST Kid speak JACK (age 3) <BR> was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?' <BR> <BR> <BR> STEVEN (age 3) <BR> hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.' <BR> <BR> <BR> BRITTANY (age 4) <BR> had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her ... Thu, 2 Feb 2012 13:28:40 EST Hi There! Aint this grand! Isn't it great to have a free website that not only helps you manage your weight but also connects you with people all over the world with the same goal! I've only been using the site two weeks but so far its really working for me! Sat, 21 Jan 2012 20:34:06 EST Mammogram Prep Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home. <BR> <BR> EXERCISE ONE: <BR> Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. <BR> Hold that position for fiv... Sat, 21 Jan 2012 19:54:39 EST More funnies My husband and I divorced over religious differences. <BR> He thought he was God, and I didn't. <BR> ----------------------------------------<BR>------------------------------ <BR> <BR> Marriage is a three-ring circus: <BR> Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> ----------------------------------------<BR>------------------------------ <BR> For Sale : <BR> Wedding dress, size 8. <BR> Worn o... Sun, 15 Jan 2012 20:15:12 EST Maybe the parents should be the ones in school I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents to the school district. Spellings have been left intact. <BR> <BR> 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him. <BR> <BR> 2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot. <BR> <BR> 3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33. (since when is there 32 or 33 days in a month!!) <BR> <BR> 4. P... Sun, 15 Jan 2012 20:07:30 EST New to the team Hi - I'm new to SparkPeople and to this team. I found the team last night, and laughed my arse off. Today I was having an icky day, so came back here to get a boost. Love these jokes. I'm usually in the Depression or PTSD teams, so you can tell how important a little laughter can be. <em>81</em> Sun, 15 Jan 2012 19:52:53 EST Funnies Wife: 'What are you doing?' <BR> Husband : Nothing. <BR> Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' <BR> Husband : 'I was looking for the expiration date.' <BR> ------------------------------------- <BR> Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' <BR> Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?' <BR> Wife : 'Yes and no.' <BR> -------------------------------- <BR> Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?' <BR> Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter ho... Sun, 15 Jan 2012 19:47:26 EST Preaparing for children-JOKE A good friend sent me this joke and this week I forwarded it to other friends and to my daughter who is also a mother of a 3 year old.. She roared with laughter she said, I certainly did too.. the irony of life. <BR> <BR> HAVING CHILDREN - Try these 14 simple tests before you decide to have children <BR> <BR> Test 1 - Preparation <BR> <BR> Women: To prepare for pregnancy: <BR> Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. <BR> Leave it there. <BR> After 9 months r... Sun, 8 Jan 2012 10:05:09 EST Safety At the salon I overheard the receptionist admit to another customer, "I haven't taken my vitamins today. I'm walking around unprotected." The customer commiserated with her. "I haven't taken my Prozac today - everyone is walking around unprotected." Sat, 31 Dec 2011 14:56:04 EST WOW! never would have imagined.. that since my conception of this group in 2007 (thats almost 5 years) that it would ever hit almost 1000 members! <BR> <BR> every single member here needs to give them a self a pat on the back for joining, contributing, and keeping this forum going... <BR> <BR> ive sat in the back ground, still get updates frequently of new posts... <BR> and im happy to say, youve made me very proud to have started this group. <BR> <BR> please, keep it going, if you have found ANY value in this group at a... Wed, 28 Dec 2011 18:30:18 EST Sorry Just for fun, go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying "Sorry for the damage." Watching them is priceless. Wed, 28 Dec 2011 18:11:57 EST House cleaning For once, I am enjoying a clean house...Now I better get out of here before the neighbors come home. Wed, 28 Dec 2011 18:09:16 EST Askim Going to get a dog so I can name it Askim, so when I go to the park and somebody comes up and says whats his name I can say "Askim" and see if they ask the dog. Thu, 22 Dec 2011 17:29:19 EST I got your back A police officer came over today and asked me where you been between 5 and 6 and I told him in kindergarden. Mon, 19 Dec 2011 14:01:03 EST Smart blond Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. <BR> <BR> A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. <BR> <BR> <BR> Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain'... Mon, 19 Dec 2011 14:00:11 EST Games at work Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows: <BR> <BR> ONE POINT <BR> <BR> Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier. <BR> <BR> Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk. <BR> <BR> When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew. <BR> <BR> Ignore the first five people who say 'good ... Mon, 19 Dec 2011 13:57:33 EST Nine Lives Sometimes I wish that I had nine lives just like a cat, but I'd probably end up wasting them repeating some harebrained stunt to impress my friends. Fri, 9 Dec 2011 19:39:07 EST Dinner sides Whenever a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad with my meal, I just tell them to mix it in a big bowl so I can have some of each. Fri, 9 Dec 2011 19:38:28 EST Fun with Neighbors If your having a bad day go outside clap your hands above your head and yell "Here comes the sun!" and run in circles, extra points if you wear a helmet. Fri, 9 Dec 2011 19:37:52 EST Disappointment I'm always a little disappointed when I see a KIA Soul and it's not being driven by hamsters. Fri, 9 Dec 2011 19:36:48 EST Next time Next time your at Wal-Mart wear a plastic crown and get someone to push you around in the cart while you wave. It's amazing how many people wave back. <BR> <BR> Next time your at Wal-Mart hide in a rack of clothes and when somebody looks through them to yell "WELCOME TO NARNIA" and pull them in. <BR> <BR> Next time you go into a crowded elevator, whisper into your bag,"Have you got enough air in there?" Trust me, the look on their faces are priceless. <BR> <BR> Next time you go to home d... Wed, 7 Dec 2011 17:18:50 EST Morning work outs I am so proud of myself I did five sit-ups this morning, too bad you can only reset the snooze button so many times. <em>102</em> Wed, 7 Dec 2011 15:42:43 EST Trophies I used to play sports. Then I realized I can buy the trophies. Now I am good at everything. Tue, 6 Dec 2011 19:28:57 EST More $ = better? Not always A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance check... Tue, 6 Dec 2011 19:27:48 EST Company slogans Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free. Tue, 6 Dec 2011 19:22:02 EST Idiot sightings! I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 and <BR> I asked "May I have large bills, please." <BR> She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry; all the bills are the same size." <BR> When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.... <BR> <BR> <BR> When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to <BR> pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. <BR> We went to the service department and found a mechanic working <BR> feverishly to unlock... Tue, 6 Dec 2011 19:20:05 EST The Menopausal Christmas Song the Menopausal Christmas Song <BR> (to the tune of Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire) <BR> <BR> I'm just roasting, and there is no fire, <BR> Want to take off half my clothes, <BR> You'll find that my waist's been replaced by a tire <BR> And reading specs now sit upon my nose. <BR> <BR> Everybody knows my mood swings to and fro, <BR> Help! My brows have taken flight. <BR> Tiny spots now appear high and low, <BR> I find it hard to sleep all night. <BR> <BR> I know that Santa's on h... Thu, 1 Dec 2011 06:51:15 EST Bet you don't know the answer!!! Ok, so this isn't a joke, but it IS entertaining! <BR> <BR> 3 men are on a business trip and stop to check into a hotel for the night. <BR> <BR> Being very long ago when things cost much less than they do now the men decided to go with one of the nicer hotels at $9 per person, but when they got there the manager, not being the very honest type, charged them each $10. The men were so tired they just paid the money and went to their rooms. <BR> <BR> A few hours later the owner of the hotel... Fri, 25 Nov 2011 23:03:08 EST :) A chicken and an egg were laying in bed. The chicken was smoking a cigarette and looking quite satisfied, while the egg, looking VERY frustrated said; "I guess we answered THAT question!" Thu, 24 Nov 2011 16:43:46 EST We should When the space shuttle returns... <BR> ... we should all dress up as apes <BR> <BR> I used to play sports. Then I realized I can buy the trophies. Now I am good at everything <BR> <BR> If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time. Wed, 23 Nov 2011 17:40:32 EST Fun at Walmart (or Target) Hold indoor shopping cart races. <BR> <BR> When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles. <BR> <BR> Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. <BR> <BR> Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign it. <BR> <BR> Have a team race with friends-one person sits in the cart, the other pushes. <BR> <BR> Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "The British are coming!" <BR> <BR> Do your shopping from other pe... Wed, 23 Nov 2011 17:38:09 EST Up One day I was walking down the beach with <BR> Some friends when someone shouted..... <BR> 'Look at that dead bird!' <BR> Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?' Wed, 23 Nov 2011 17:34:04 EST uh....what? One day I was walking down the beach with <BR> Some friends when someone shouted..... <BR> 'Look at that dead bird!' <BR> Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?' <BR> <BR> <BR> I was at the post office, when I see a blond woman shouting into an envelope. I asked "What are you doing?" blond replied,"Sending a voice mail." <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> A blond watching the news hears that two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident. <BR> She sobs and cries, "Oh my goodness, that i... Sat, 19 Nov 2011 18:10:02 EST Do Not Attempt This (joke purposes only) RETIRED/BORED HUSBAND <BR> <BR> After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. <BR> Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. <BR> <BR> Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target: <BR> Dear Mrs. Harris, <BR> <BR> Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We ca... Thu, 17 Nov 2011 02:46:25 EST Oxymorons <BR> 1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? <BR> 2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? <BR> 3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? <BR> 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? <BR> 5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? <BR> 6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? <BR> 7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? <BR> 8. Why do "tug" boats ... Wed, 16 Nov 2011 13:42:28 EST oops :P A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in t... Tue, 15 Nov 2011 21:37:02 EST Check out this touching blog! This blog was voted as a 'most popular blog'. I absolutely loved it along with many others! You will be glad you did! <BR> Here's the link: <BR> <link><BR>urnal_individual.asp?blog_id=4577982 </link> Tue, 15 Nov 2011 19:57:45 EST The DUI Test. Gotta love cops with a sense of humor! <BR> <BR> <link><BR>39557369 </link> Tue, 15 Nov 2011 18:07:56 EST Authority An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. and talks with the old ranch owner. <BR> <BR> He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' <BR> <BR> The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.' <BR> <BR> The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer... Sat, 12 Nov 2011 15:36:58 EST Fun at work HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE <BR> <BR> Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. <BR> <BR> Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you. <BR> <BR> Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to dis... Sat, 12 Nov 2011 15:34:48 EST ah ha ha ha When someone asks you a dumb question . .. . don't you just wish you could respond like you really wanted to? <BR> <BR> Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Sophie the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out, when a woman behind me asked me if I had a dog. <BR> <BR> Well... Looking at the bag and realizing that it actually did say DOG FOOD, in big bold letters. . . I was a little bit curious . . . <BR> <BR> So . . . since I'm retired with little to do, on ... Sat, 12 Nov 2011 15:30:02 EST Work related funnies Pilots and ATC <BR> (warning quite long) <BR> <BR> After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then <BR> the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. <BR> <BR> Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as m... Wed, 9 Nov 2011 18:16:59 EST Greatest diet ever! Over the years you may have noticed that most 2 year olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of grapefruit juice and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. <BR> <BR> After consultation with pediatricians, x-ray technicians, and distraught mothers, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive and offers great variety and sufficient quantity. ENJOY! <BR> <BR> Day 1: <BR> <BR> Breakfast- One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg... Wed, 9 Nov 2011 17:58:13 EST Housework Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum - "My God, the floor's immaculate. Lie down, you hot bitch." ~Joan Rivers <BR> <BR> <em>246</em> Wed, 9 Nov 2011 15:48:08 EST Halloween Halloween is one of my favorite holidays - my inner child comes out dancing and cackling. If there are others like me who plan on dressing up or attending a party on Halloween, what is your planned costume? <BR> <BR> This year is special for me - I just celebrated one year as a breast cancer survivor. My costume this year will be my survivor shirt from the Susan G Komen race, a bright pink wig, and a broom pole with attached baggie of water and a string going to my arm (simulated IV). Bei... Fri, 28 Oct 2011 14:53:14 EST Philisophical thought of the day If I eat ice cream in the middle of the woods and no one sees me....will the calories still add on a pound? Tue, 18 Oct 2011 20:51:23 EST Here we go.... <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> For those of us with a weird sense of humor, you know who you are! <BR> Nice to know you're not alone isn't it? <BR> <BR> WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL <BR> NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! <BR> Except that one where you're naked in church. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> So... Sun, 16 Oct 2011 12:59:23 EST Maxine & Coffee..This is me in a nutshell :) I'm new and excited to have found this team. The maxine cartoon made me laugh and these days, humor is what gets me through the day....well that and my wonderfully witty husband. <BR> Looking forward to making new friends :) Wed, 5 Oct 2011 11:52:23 EST Out of the mouth of babes.... Just read these in my inbox and thought I'd share - too funny. <BR> <BR> Melanie, age 5, asked her Granny how old she was.. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.' <BR> <em>198</em> <BR> This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would... Thu, 22 Sep 2011 22:51:56 EST Wyo Chuckle When most folks find out you live in Wyoming AND are from the high mountains they automatically think your a red-neck, ignorant, rattle-truck ownin' idiot. SO, here is a bit of humor for anyone who knows that feeling: <BR> <BR> A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in Wyoming when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. <BR> <BR> The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the wi... Thu, 22 Sep 2011 10:03:54 EST In the beginning..... <BR>    In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and <BR>  spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and <BR>  Woman would live long and healthy lives. <BR> <BR>  Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and <BR>  Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, <BR>  'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo <BR>  they gained 10 pounds. <BR> <BR>  And G... Sat, 17 Sep 2011 03:19:49 EST I'm in the Shower! A friend sent me this, and I had to pass it on......... <BR> <BR> <BR> I don' tknow WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!! <BR> <BR> It's the shampoo I use in the shower! <BR> When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: " FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY". <BR> No wonder I've been gaining weight!! <BR> <BR> Well, I've gotten rid of that shampoo and I'm going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Its label read... Sun, 11 Sep 2011 10:51:54 EST Dog leans physics <link> </link> Wed, 24 Aug 2011 12:34:22 EST Humpback whale being freed from a fishing net <link> </link> <BR> <BR> This is a bit long, but well worth watching. Wed, 24 Aug 2011 12:15:55 EST Randy the Rooster RANDY THE ROOSTER <BR> <BR> This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it, so he buys Randy. <BR> <BR> The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard... Fri, 19 Aug 2011 10:32:45 EST For We Olsters <BR> BREAKING NEWS!! <BR> To save the economy, on August 15, 2011, the government <BR> <BR> will start <BR> deporting Old People, instead of Illegals, <BR> in order to lower Social Security and <BR> <BR> Medicare costs! <BR> <BR> I started crying when I thought of <BR> <BR> YOU!. <BR> <BR> Run you old buzzard ... Run <BR> <BR> Well ....Someone sent it to me and <BR> <BR> I AIN'T GOIN' ALONE Tue, 16 Aug 2011 20:13:15 EST When it's too hot to swim outside This is very funny . . . <BR> <BR> <link> </link> Tue, 16 Aug 2011 18:16:57 EST Fun-Time-C Conga-Line Begin your word using the last two letters of my word. Have Fun <BR> <BR> eg: smilES - EScaPE <BR> <BR> PEnsiON - Fri, 24 Jun 2011 17:30:59 EST You Know....... I've been meaning to share this with you for awhile... and yes, these are true, my experiences. Please share what YOU know! <em>247</em> <BR> <BR> <BR> You know... <BR> <BR> ... you don't cook much when you have to dust off your stove. <em>286</em> <BR> <BR> ... your arthritis is bad when you try to slip into bed without disturbing your hubby, and the cracking of your knees wakes him up. <em>198</em> <BR> <BR> ... you don't go out much when you can't remember which key goes to the ... Sat, 18 Jun 2011 22:38:58 EST Don't Want to Brag, but.... I can still fit into the earrings I wore in High School! <em>20</em> Sat, 18 Jun 2011 10:29:22 EST Any old joke A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Wyoming prairies without water. <BR> <BR> His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. <BR> <BR> He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. <BR> <BR> He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary g... Mon, 23 May 2011 22:12:37 EST Random thoughts... The Supreme Court is like a regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream Wed, 18 May 2011 00:22:09 EST Happy Mother's Day Put your mom's picture as your profile picture for Mother's Day. <BR> <BR> That's mine! Sun, 8 May 2011 02:27:00 EST Oneliners: <BR> If anyone had some to share post them here! <BR> <BR> <BR> What is this? A pawn shop?It more like a hoarder with alot of junk. <BR> <BR> <BR> Don't let gambling addictions,have you panhandling in the long run. <BR> <BR> <BR> Mr.Yum Tummy said"Ummmm!You look nice and tasty?" " Sorry Mr.Yum Tummy. <BR> I don't play them cannibalistic games." Thu, 28 Apr 2011 13:09:43 EST Poof!%#*@ I'm here! Hello everyone. <BR> <BR> I'm new on the SparkPeople Forum. My name is Derrick Clark.I'm a newbie humorist that love writing oneliners,gag,jokes,slogans,etc...I from Columbus,Ohio. <BR> I would love to contributed to the forum. Thu, 28 Apr 2011 12:20:48 EST Hello So, I am working on becoming more active in Sparkville :) <BR> I currently live in VA and truly believe that each day allows for a new beginning. This journey has not always been easy, but I think it will be worth it. I love the color red and have given it the acronym, Renew Enthusiasm Daily. I also love gadgets, glitter, telephones, and photography. <BR> <BR> Anyway, just so you know, I do keep my Spark page private, but if you would like to be added, you can add me and I will do the same... Thu, 28 Apr 2011 11:58:43 EST Totally Useless Thought for the Day It is impossible to lick your elbow. At least 75% of people reading this then attempt to lick their elbow. Tue, 26 Apr 2011 17:40:44 EST