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5/24/18 7:27 P

My SparkPage
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Good Luck.

Edited by: CATCHFIRE at: 5/24/2018 (19:29)
AMYJACQUES9296's Photo AMYJACQUES9296 SparkPoints: (1,585)
Fitness Minutes: (428)
Posts: 14
5/21/18 12:40 P

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I am 50 and have run the gamete with weight loss programs, fads and even surgery. Unfortunately nothing stuck and nothing will until I work on the inside. It took me many years of pain of self loathing, self punishing and food abuse to learn that I am not going to be happy by just being thin. That is not the problem. That is not the fix.

Between all of the diets and the weight loss surgery I am sure I have lost hundreds of pounds over the years only to be back at over the 200 mark in my 50s. It is a shame I have spent so much time, energy and painful effort on something so futile.

My kids are grown (25 and 21) and one is completely independent and the other almost there. My husband and I have been empty-nesters since 2014. So much for me, emotionally has happened since then. I had no idea how much I tied my identity up into my children, and how much time I expended upon them until they flew the coop and I was left alone. It was so quiet... so very quiet.

In 2013 I had weight loss surgery and in a years time I lost 90 pounds and physically felt like a million bucks! I loved my body again. BUT I did not deal with the eating disorder I did not know I had, since I could not eat I turned to alcohol and this metabolizes very differently in a WLS patient. I never ever got a hangover. I never knew I had too much to drink until it was too late. I surely became an alcoholic. This is how I filled my loneliness after my kids left. My husband runs our business (a machine shop) and works (to this day) 70 hours a week. I get out of work at 2:45pm...... I had a lot of time to myself.

In 2016 I quit drinking (I put myself into intensive out patient therapy, it took 2 tries) and I have been sober since September 22, 2016. Of course I turned right back to food, and eat so much I out 50 pounds back on. Once I finished my formal substance abuse treatment, I started to work with therapists that work in the eating disorder realm. Sure enough, I am a binge eater, and was diagnosed with an eating disorder at 50 years of age. I have been working on this since July 2017 and it has been very difficult.

I had to commit to no more dieting, ever. I have to find balance, and work on having a healthy relationship with food. So my goal here on SparkPeople is not to lose weight, though I am allowed to and I am told I will once I eat without binging, once I learn to eat to live and not live to eat. I have to journal my food to keep my self accountable for binging. I have always loved SparkPeople so I came back. This is a safe place, and always one for caring.

I am hopeful and happy to be back.

Be good to you, AMY
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