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7/15/18 3:54 P

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L - Love, Learn, List, Linger

I love lists - making them, crossing off what I've accomplished. I have 3x5 cards that I used all the time - for my daily activities, my plans, my shopping lists. I am very happy to see my younger son has started this habit as well. I used to be able to keep everything organized in my head...no longer - so I like my lists.

Learn - I keep telling myself I know it all, I know how to do it, etc. I acknowledge there are many things still to learn. There are also many thing I need to UNlearn!

Linger and Love - I'll put together. I saw a Uhaul yesterday on the road, which reminded me of our moves across the country (multiple times). I remember vividly standing outside in Utah, looking at the Rockies, and then turning to look at the Wasatch mtn range, lingering over the views so I would remember. Then, in several places in southern Utah, looking over the red rocks, lingering to imprint the feel and look of the place so it would become part of me. I remembering holding my best friend's hand as she passed, lingering while looking into her eyes to remember the love. I can still feel her presence today, 32 years later. Linger to remember the love - always.

I have high hopes to 'get back' to the gym this week. Get up and going early each day. Mondays are tough - there is so much work I need to get to - so if I don't get a workout in first thing - it doesn't happen. I MUST MUST MUST get to the gym at some point tomorrow - just to set the tone for the week.

We are just over a month out for my younger son to move in his dorm. I have failed to arrange his wisdom tooth removal...I will get on the phone 1st thing tomorrow and see if I can rectify my mistake. I have a list (!) of what I must get done this week. Strange, I just realized - exercise is not on my list. emoticon

Edited by: CHIGGERCANE at: 7/15/2018 (15:55)
Deb
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7/12/18 8:24 A

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K - KNOW, Knowledge

I know what to do. I read for knowledge. But - most times, what I read conflicts with what I read the other day, or yesterday, or even a few minutes ago. So - I continue my quest for intuitive living and eating. I hope I find it soon. emoticon

Feeling sad and a bit unsettled today. Found out the son of an casual acquaintance passed away last week - funeral is today. He was 2 years younger than my oldest. I feel for his family.

work will be ramping up for the next month or so. Beginning another phase of the project as soon as this ramp up is 'over'.

In the back of my mind I have started telling myself I will get into new routines 'as soon as' my younger son leaves for college...A few months ago, I was telling myself ' once summer starts'...Time to start making an effort everyday, no matter what.

Deb
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7/10/18 8:09 A

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J Words -
Just
Justify
Joy
Jealous

I admit it - I have a jealous/envious streak - and I really should not and I despise that I do have it. My life is good. I like who I am (usually) and would not want a different life. I dream of traveling...but I like my routines and comfort. I rarely traveled as a child - parents worked too hard - and I am repeating that. I always thought"one day". I do feel a twinge of jealousy when I hear about or read about those always off on adventures, having a great time...then reality hits. It does not matter about their lives...my life is mine, theirs is theirs Their joy should not disrupt mine. Keep reminding myself.

Joy - I don't have enough of it - down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart. Must revive that joy and let it spill out into my everyday life. My son is at that age where he is longing to be on his own...I remember that feeling. It's a tricky road to show the joy and not be dismayed when it is rebuffed. A couple more years, I tell myself, and he will come to appreciate us (more).

Just - JUST DO IT - whatever needs to be be done. Fundamentally - at core. What I am looking to strengthen.

Justify. There are excuses. Life is an excuse - aging parents, puppies, laziness, work...I can justify anything. I need to switch this about and justify my 'selfishness' in exercising everyday and taking care of me. Making myself a priority instead of an afterthought or a 'fit in'.

Well - not sure ONEKIDSMOM would like how I am going through the alphabet - but it is helping me to work through some routine withdrawal. Making me think about where I am and where I am heading.

Work, dog walking, grocery shopping, cleaning - AND EXERCISE!

Deb
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7/9/18 11:40 A

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I Words
Intent and Intention
Intuitive
Imagine

As per Charles Krauthammer - live the life I intend.
It's so easy to imagine how I want to be and live - quite another to follow through and succeed as intended.

I sound so hopeless there - don't I? Actually, my life is kinda, sorta close to what I intend. Add some, lose some - all in all - it's a good life. Shouldn't complain...but sometimes I still do...my masserati does 185... emoticon

Monday morning catching up with work - been sitting here way too long already and not even half way thru 'the important' things. Need to get moving for a bit to get rid of the eye strain headache. I'm waiting on feedback for about 10 things before I can finish anything off. Frustrating.

Gym is on my list for this week - not happening today, I can already tell. Weights will happen here at home - and I will get the dogs out in just a bot. Now - to get me out.

Deb
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7/7/18 3:51 P

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H Words
Honest
Healthy
Home
Happy

Honest regarding my efforts and what I am or am not doing. My strive is more to be healthy than to be thinner (altho, I'll take thin, as well!), and I really want to focus on making my home a happy place where my kids want to come back to and where my husband and I are healthy and happy.

I spent part of yesterday cleaning out my coaching bag and notebook - throwing most of it away. I also went through some training journals i had started at various points - and abandoned - and tore out the used pages. I toyed with throwing away the journals - but opted to keep them for now. I may not use them - but if I ever get to a point where I want to use a journal - I know i have some.

I am planning on spending the rest of the summer in intuitive mode...I am burnt out on plans, schedules, diets, coaching advice, mantras, inspirational sayings, and lifestyle advice in general. As I have said many times - I KNOW what to do - it is up to me to do it. So - for July - I will do what I know to do, without pressure from myself. Do my best, as each day presents itself. Honest.



Deb
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7/6/18 8:36 A

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The jog did not happen. I actually forgot to go to weight training. Forgot what day of the week it was. Did get the dog walks in and some surfing, though. Went to visit with mom and sister - took them some bbq we had made...husband had made...crazy sister showed up from out of town unexpectedly. I found it funny, as my oldest sister was out of sorts that she did come up. My oldest sister is rather territorial regarding our parents - but I will not complain (too much) as she does most of the 'work'. I am grateful for all she does (and I told her so yesterday, which she brushed off). I need to do a better job of being involved - especially as it appears mom has started the 'downfall'.

Out on lake last evening - 2 C-130's came over the lake very low, they dipped their wings to us - it was quite impressive. We waved - I assume they could see us (actual people, not just boat) as they were so low.

Today, I need to work in some weight work. Make up for yesterday.

Next week - I intend to get to the gym at least 1 day. When was the last time I was there? Too long ago.

G words?
Grateful
God
Genuine

I keep saying I want to get back to reading and do some morning devotions - I haven't so far. be grateful for all I have and the fact that I am still here. Be genuine in my relationships and my efforts.

Actually, I think I am too genuine (is that possible?) in my relationships. I don't 'put up' with a lot. I remove myself from situations where I don't feel people or situations are genuine -(I spend a lot of time alone... emoticon ). Maye this is something I can work on - being more tolerant but genuine.

Being genuine in my efforts really needs work. Be honest (Wait - that's an H word...for tomorrow).



Deb
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7/4/18 5:56 P

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I have walked quite a bit the last few days as we are at the lake. Yesterday was almost 17K steps. Hips were feeling a bit twingy last night. Will stretch and ice tonight. It is really not too crazy here. We have not gone out on the boat - son can't get in water, husband feeling a bit off, other son couldn't make it. It's a very quiet holiday for us. A friend down the street will come by for dinner in a bit - otherwise, it's been a working day - cleaned out the shed, cut some of the bamboo, cleaned, and walked the dogs a lot.

Mom now has a blood clot in her leg. Had xrays on both hips yesterday and should get results tomorrow. She is feeling quite down today.

Food wise, I doing well - except for the chips. Chips tend to be a lake problem for me. I don't buy them at home because I know I will eat the entire bag in a day. Up at the lake, we get them - and I end up munching on them as the day goes on. I also brought some cherries and grapes up too, so I am trying to snack on those.

We will be here the rest of the week, I think. I am contemplating whether or not to get up tomorrow early and attempt to jog...we shall see.

Forgot my F words:
Fear - get over the fear
Faith - have faith in myself, my kids, my circumstances, step out in Faith
Fun - something I think is lacking in my life - I work too much I live life in a serious manner way too much - I need to add some Fun to my life



Edited by: CHIGGERCANE at: 7/4/2018 (17:58)
Deb
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6/30/18 10:22 P

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Hard to believe another month is coming to a close. June was not a banner month for me. Time to regroup and refocus. I think instead of 'getting back to routine', I need to determine a new routine.

I spent most of today at moms.Cooked a bit, blew off outdoors, started the car, cleaned up a bit, transferred her pictures from phone to computer, sat and talked some. She did eat more today than she's eaten in 2 weeks. I managed to get her outside for a few minutes. Felt eerily similar to getting dad outdoors in his final year. Her pain level is more than I thought it would be at this point, altho when I asked if she wanted to go back to doctor or urgent care, she backed off and said maybe later next week if it's not better then. I'm afraid she's hiding some issues - originally she told me her left side and hip were hurting. She cracked the right side ribs and that's the only place she told the xray technician was suspect. I really hope she's not hiding something.

Had to leave at 1 point to take son to urgent care. Last Monday we spent 5 hours in ER and ending up with unresolved issues. Finally today, I think they diagnosed him correctly and gave him correct meds. Frustrating in that this issue was mentioned to ER dr. Was ER doctor too tired, too busy, or too incompetent to correctly diagnose, giving we handed him what we thought was problem - which it turned out to be. Son will not be able to get in lake this coming week - or do work that was planned for later in week. Going to be a frustrating week ahead.

Looking ahead to July:
Determine and live a workout plan!!!
Start jogging (again)
dog walks in am
minimize sugar
limit snacking - stop eating after dinner
focus on positive
Read

E - Enough
Very little is needed to make a happy life. It is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. Marcus Aureilus



Deb
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6/28/18 2:40 P

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Another great weight class. She worked in some cardio intervals with the weights. very thorough workout!

Mom visit afterwards. Not a good day, again. I've beginning to worry. July 4 week is the 'anniversary' of my dad beginning dialysis, which is considered the beginning of his final 3 and a half months of life. I suspect mom has been thinking about this as she sits around.

D words to focus on:
Determination
Dare
Decisive
Do

"Do - or do not - there is no try." Always a favorite of mine - especially before I knew where it came from. I used to tell myself this when preparing to run.

"Be decisive. Right or wrong, make decision. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision." Don't be a squirrel!

Dare and determination...I don't have pithy quotes ready at hand for these 2 words. Dare something, anything. Dare to be brave.
Have determination - don't give up. Stay with it.

Need to get back to work.




Deb
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6/27/18 2:06 P

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Skin screening went very well. No problems noted. Thank you!
Went to visit with mom afterwards. Rough day for her. I think her rib injuries are going to be more serious to her than I had thought. I managed to get her to eat a little something, clean up some, and basically just sit and be with her. found my dad's walker and the OLD TV trays for her to use. Amazing how much stuff they have in the attic. Makes me wonder if they EVER threw anything away.

C words - I have a bunch.
Compassion
Cull
Content
Challenge
Critical
Counterproductive
Change

I need to cull counterproductive 'things' to be content with my life as I challenge myself, with compassion, not being critical of the time it takes to change. emoticon

I do need to cull activities, actions, thoughts, emotions, and habits from my life to move forward. I may need to cull people too. Culling things can be so freeing. I remember reading something years ago that if you look at something and it makes you feel sad, you need to get rid of it (Flylady, perhaps?). I have started that - but have so much more to do.

Challenge - I have not challenged myself in years. I think the last few years were so tough mentally for me, that just making it through, keeping it together, was my challenge. I'm not there anymore - I can handle some challenges for myself. Really.

So - rest of summer - compassionate challenges for positive change.


Deb
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6/26/18 2:06 P

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I'm not sure what it is about summer - the last few summers, and this one also - instead of being a time to sit back, relax, enjoy the lake, focus on exercise and eating healthily...it's become a blur of work, responsibilities, no exercise, and eating on the fly. I could do a better job, I'm sure - and I will, starting today!

I drove out of the neighborhood, past the community pool yesterday and remembered how with my older son, and younger son as a toddler, we'd hit the pool in the afternoon and stay for hours. Come home and have a late supper, fall into bed all tired and sun-kissed. Haven't done it in years. I don't do the sun bathing anymore, but I am not as careful with sunscreen as I should be.

I actually have a skin cancer screening tomorrow, along with looking at 4 suspicious things on my back. I grew up loving to sun bathe - with baby oil and then reluctantly SPC 2 or 4. I am lucky that so far, I have only had to have a 'nose scraping' of some precancerous cells. Let's hope for my luck to hold.

So - alphabet - 'B'. B is for BELIEVE. Believe in myself. Believe in my kids. Believe in the general goodness of life and others (sometimes a hard thing to do...). Believe that my efforts to live in a healthy manner will result in a long, productive, healthy life. Mostly - believe that I can do what I set my mind to do.

My mom fell last week, while I was out of town. I insisted she go to the doctor when I returned. She did fracture a rib. Nothing to be done, but at least she will restrict her activities a bit while she heals- and MAYBE, she will listen to me about revamping some things in her house. Something I have tried to get her to consider since my dad's death. I'm not sure why, as the youngest of 4 kids, I am the one who must 'bully' her into doing what needs to be done. Is it because I always questioned her authority??? emoticon I'm glad she did not sustain more serious injuries!

Today - I must lift weights. I must walk the dogs. The new puppy is a mess, a handful, and a pain... emoticon She is smart and cute, but she must learn her place in this family. And I think she is going to fight all the way. I must also clean house, get some work done, and read. I have not read in a long time - I miss it. Getting into bed and reading at least 1 chapter - must reinstate that habit.


Deb
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6/23/18 11:32 A

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I've started to journal several times the last couple days - but the words weren't coming out 'right' - here goes another try.

ONEKIDSMOM's blog the other day re alphabet blogging has inspired me. I commented that I might try to play along in my own way, searching for that elusive nugget of sparkness to keep me motivated, inspired, focused...in other words - hoping to find the 'magic'.

A...is for ATTITUDE.

Attitude. Attitude. Attitude. I think probably the most important aspect in the journey of life. Charles Krauthammer pops up as the most recent example of attitude. His attitude in life and approaching death was ...amazing, awesome, and I can't think of any other 'a' words to stay with 'a'...but inspirational sums to up.

Personally, my best friend, Sandra, has been my closest model of attitude. Similar to CK, she lived her life with a positive attitude and approached death with grace and dignity. I forget...quite often...the example she was to me. I never forget her, but I do get caught up and distracted by petty concerns in my life and forget what's really important. So - thank you to ONEKIDSMOM for getting me to start my own alphabet - and immediately being reminded of how important ATTITUDE is.

I have been messing around for years now, one day optimistic and motivated - the next day annoyed and cynical. I allow the trivialities and distractions of life to delay, redirect or even curtail my journey. I allow myself to dwell in perceived turmoil (yes - 'perceived') instead of joyfully embracing each day and being inspired live my best life everyday. Amazing when my journal title IS Best year of my Life...!

Attitude. I am responsible for my attitude. Despite what happens in life - it is my decision what my attitude will be.

Deb
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6/20/18 7:48 P

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Wonderful get-away with my friend. It's so comfortable being with someone who knows you, understands you - and still loves you... emoticon and is going through similar issues as you. It was a very nice time together.

Just returned a couple hours ago from college orientation for my younger son. 60 days from now he will be moving into his dorm. And embarking on what I hope will be an exciting and wonderful time in his life. I was thinking back on my starting college days - and I had no clue what I was heading into at that time. The optimism and freshness...oh - to be his age again...NOT! I have no wish to be his age again..., but I would love to not be so cynical - so I just need to start having a different attitude. It is all up to me.

I must confess my exercise has been non-existent this week. A funeral to attend Monday, along with family get togethers that day, leaving early Tuesday for orientation and just returning - no time to get things done. Until now. I will go walk one of the dogs now and then do some hand weights. Tomorrow...gym? or swim? Oh wait - I'm off a day. Tomorrow is weight class. So - I will get a walk in in the morning before i head that way...so no weights tonight. But definitely the dog walk. Now.

Edited by: CHIGGERCANE at: 6/20/2018 (19:48)
Deb
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6/13/18 10:36 A

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It's amazing how much I can accomplish when I have a list and decide to focus! After medicating and feeding dogs and cleaning up the kitchen, we went out on our walk. very nice. Then weeding in the front yard and side yard, vacuumed the car, straightened up the garage and garage refrig, checked my to-do list (and marked some thing off!), just showered and now sitting here, checking work email and on here. I am having lunch with my in-laws again. They called and asked that we try to 'do lunch' once in a week, my schedule allowing. I am hoping we can keep this habit. Week after week, things start popping up - but this is something important. I had lunch with mom and sister yesterday. I don't like eating out that often - but I am trying to convince myself that the social aspect outweighs the eating out aspect. I know that eventually this will become an every other week thing and I can alternate my family and my in-laws.

After lunch, I need to stop by a rental house to drop off something, then get the dogs and their 'stuff' and take them to meet the boarder. I plan on cleaning house tonight. Then tomorrow, my friend and I head off for an overnight fun escape. My sister and mom were not happy to hear I was going...I don't 'get it' with them. My sister is retired (5 years?) and they go on little 3-4 night trips every other month, if not every month and at least 2 1 week stays somewhere once a year. Another sister is going away for a weekend trip this weekend. They complained at lunch yesterday that they never do anything for fun and they need to do something this weekend too...???? This is not a competition! Altho - am I making it sound like one by comparing my lack of trips to their constant traveling? emoticon Oh well - I am looking forward to my short journey. My friend and I always have a good time together.

So - this has not been a good heavy exercise week for me. I have done weights for arms a couple times at home - will tonight as well - and only been walking the dogs 2 x per day. But at least it's something. My legs are aching again - I started the new medicine June 1 - and I think the reaction from this med is just as bad as the last. I'll keep taking it, concentrate on stretching and icing - and rolling - and see if I can handle it. I have been sitting in the car and at the desk quite a bit the last few days...that could be an issue as well.

Hope all goes well work wise while I am gone. Not going to worry about it. Be back Friday.

Deb
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6/12/18 8:53 A

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Visit with crazy sister was not bad. It's sad, in a way, how we've all learned to 'be careful' of what we say. No debating our varied points of view, just stilted conversation about the 'important things' in life. My sister and her husband expanded on an accident their son had at work a couple years ago. He's allowed it to change virtually every aspect of his life. Hearing her comments were interesting, sad, but interesting. If she'd only listen to herself, she'd realize she's arguing against her long-held, unquestioned political beliefs... emoticon ... but, that's something we don't talk about. emoticon

I am concerned because as I was leaving, her husband followed me out. He did this another time also. To talk about mom this time. Wanted to know how mom is 'really doing'. I briefly mentioned the concerns i had about mom, and how my older sister doesn't want to hear them. His father and mother are causing concern for him - so I think he understands my point. I am not trying to cause problems or initiate change. I am trying to raise awareness of what I see happening - so that we can watch things and step in where needed. I will see how my sister acts today when I see her, so I know whether or not my comments were passed on. Why we can't discuss things in the open - I don't know! Do other families deal like this as well - or are we just dis-functional?

Yesterday was spent in the car. My hips are feeling it today. I need to investigate standing at the computer. I don't want to waste money buying that contraption - so I need to see what I have around the house - or what I can find at the thrift store. Today, I have a list of things to get done.

Dogs are walked
Apple is eaten
My intention list is made

Now - to live the life I intend...

Deb
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6/8/18 9:06 A

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Visited with mom for a bit yesterday. She did her usual "Poor xxxx (insert crazy sister's name)" Went on and on about her 2 kids and how its my sister's 'fault' for enabling them (true...) but "poor XXX, she has it so hard", blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I laughed and asked her what she said about me when I wasn't around... emoticon THAT got a look from her! She's always told me I'm too demanding and expect way too much of my 'poor kids'. I do...expect much from them...and yes, I feel guilty at times, as I've said. BUT I digress. I tried to change the subject. We went on a tour of her backyard. With all the rain we've been having, it's looking very lush. I see my dad's presence there - in the rock patio, the rock planting beds, the flowers and bushes. I've been given cuttings and plants from them over the years - hydrangeas (originally from my dad's mom in Texas), dead nettle, jasmine, iris, poppies (finally had one bloom this year), cactus (originally from my dad's hometown Harlingen, TX), monkey grass, cyprus vine, and many more. Now I need to get some to my son at his new house. I know my mom wants to stay in that house the rest of her life because you can feel my dad in the yard. They spent so many hours each day forming the yard into what they wanted. It's a beautiful oasis that most people have no idea exists. Looking from the street, you have no clue it's there. I was hoping that by walking in the yard, she would stop focusing on my crazy sister and complaining....it worked for a bit.

My crazy sister (no - I refrain from calling her that to my mom and other sisters) is coming into town today. Her FIL has a surprise birthday party Saturday, so they will stay with my mom this weekend. Since I am alone tonight, I will go over to have dinner with them. I will work very hard to keep myself from upset, frustration, annoyance, etc. Last night, after my visit with mom, I succumbed to mindless (no - it was intentional!) indulgence that I feel awful from today. Headache, weight gain (Yes - 1 whole pound), blahness. WHY do I do this to myself - especially after lecturing myself here yesterday???

Today is another day to get it right. I'm sipping on cucumber water. I 've walked the dogs already. I'm working (well - I was working before I got on here), and I'm GOING to get my list of things done today. 80/20. DONE (or better!)

Deb
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6/7/18 8:23 A

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Had lunch with my in-laws yesterday. We don't see them nearly enough. Years ago, their daughter moved out of state for work, and I would see them at least every other day, talk to them daily, etc. When she moved back, it was as if I was dropped for 'the real one'. Our visits and talks gradually diminished. I'm at fault also - but I have a hard time forcing myself onto people. Real or imagined...who knows. It is what it is. But - as they get older and more feeble - I know I'd like to be as close as possible and help out where I can. We used to have them over for dinner once a week - but my FIL does NOT need to be driving at night. Heck - he shouldn't be driving at all! I need to get over my reservations and resentments - and be a better person. It was a nice lunch. He said "let's do this again next week'...so I will talk to them about it. I have already arranged for a girl friend get together, just a quick 2 day thing, but I'm looking forward to it. Adding in a lunch with my inlaws needs to become part of my planned weekly activities. I can review my life and come up with issue after issue with them...but why would I do that? I need to focus on the positive.

That reminds me of a talk I had with my mom about 2 years ago - forgive me if I repeat myself here emoticon - she was reliving every decision she ever made with me and my sisters, in a negative way. Why didn't we have dance lessons or play on sports teams or take this lesson or do that activity? Yes - I've considered that as well - compared to my friends, I did have a limited 'educational' childhood - BUT - they were doing the best they could, I know that now. I told my mom that, along with "Are you happy with who we are as the people we grew up to be?" She stopped - looked at me startled - and said "Of course, why would you ask that?" My answer "Because every 'hardship' or challenge made us into who we are as people. Every experience we had, whether good or bad, developed our character. So - if you're happy with who we are, believe you did a good job."

I have been in a rather philosophical state of mind (can you tell?)- being alone, talking with neighbors, preparing myself mentally for my youngest son leaving, watching my older son move on to being a home-owner...I'm surprised at how old I am. How did it all go so quickly? Why do I sometimes feel as if I'm 'only' 27 (my favorite age ever)? I guess my blood test results that came yesterday are concerning me. My cardiologist took me off a medicine early May, with instructs to start a new one June 1, in hopes of getting rid of a reaction to the 1st med. Luckily, my blood test was done on June 1 - I was expected good results. And except for 1 number, everything is 'great' (as per my internist). But - I expected that 1 number to be lower. And, now I wonder - I have no indication if that previous medicine was doing anything at all (if not - why take it?) or if the result was gone from 3 weeks of not taking it? I have another blood test scheduled for mid Sept. So - no indication until then. Instructs from dr to take new med, and try to modify my diet a bit and ...wait for it...lose weight. emoticon Yes - and there's another frustration for me. I am continuing to gain .5 to 1 lb every few days.

So - time to get real. Again. How many times have I said that? I used to be so good at being strong mentally. And that followed up into DOING things. I seem to start each day with a decision to do certain things...and by the end of the day, I have not followed through on the majority of my 'things'. Hence, my idea of the 80/20. Is my problem in interpreting the results of my day? Cause I seem to think I'm doing well with 80/20, but the results are shouting out that I am not? Talking in circles here. Thinking in circles. I know what I need to do. I don't want to...but I know I should track food for a few days, and see what I'm actually doing. I think my guestimating is severely distorted.

Rambling,disjointed thoughts...now on 'paper'...hope they help.

Deb
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6/6/18 7:48 A

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Monday was a successful 80/20 day. Tuesday...on the edge, but I'm saying it was 80/20. I ended up making a pizza at home. I know in my heart that pizza is typically not a food I can regulate when I am alone.

I've walked the dogs morning and evening. I've actually talked with a couple neighbors also. I should do that more often, as I get a glimpse into the struggles others have that they hide. I've cleaned out the master closet and chucked a large bag of clothes. Probably could have been 2 bags...but I will cull as the season goes along.

As I cleaned the clothes out, I kept on to some things that I am uncomfortable in - just a tad too tight. I know I could 'get away' with wearing them now, but I won't. I tend to wear the same few things over and over again. Easy to do when you work out of your house and you have limited social outings. I wonder why I have all the clothes I do? The closet looks so much neater. Now - to go on the the rest of the house.

Today is pretty much open. I'll get the dogs out for a walk and then get to the office.

Deb
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6/4/18 8:19 A

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Woke at 4 to say goodbye to husband. Then, went back to sleep for a couple hours. Dogs are medicated and fed. will walk them in a bit. There is a surprisingly cool breeze this morning - great time to walk...but, I am here, on the computer. There are some work things I must get done first thing on Mondays. You would think I would learn to be efficient and get them done, and then play...but...such is life.

So - I want to be successful this week. I have a list (mostly in my mind) about things I'd like to get done. And another list of how I would like to eat and exercise this week. I have read a couple blogs and journals recently focusing on the 80/20 principle. I know it - I remember clearly being lectured over 80/20 in multiple college classes. Quite another thing to LIVE it day by day (at least for me). But - this week I am considering my 80/20 week - in everything.

I will flesh out my lists in writing later today. I will finish this entry, get my morning work done, walk the dogs...and move on to my other 'projects'. LOTS to do today. So many ways to be successful - it is all up to me.

Deb
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6/2/18 9:57 P

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Our granddog left home today - my son and his wife moved into their house so we drove up to see the house and take a few things to them. It felt weird leaving him there. Walking tonight felt off a bit as we only had the 2 dogs. I hope my son and his wife and dog enjoy their home. They have almost 4 acres - lots of room and privacy. The house is 'in the middle of nowhere'. As long as it's what they want, I'm happy.

Still feeling it from weight class. I've iced every night since Thursday. I need to keep this up. I've got my steps in this past week.

Son and husband are out of town all next week. I will be alone with the dogs. SO - I need to set my goals tomorrow and plan the week out. I need to stay on track with food and exercise. I will also make an effort to get some social time in somehow, somewhere so I don't go crazy.

June is off to a good start.

Deb
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5/31/18 3:24 P

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End of another month. Had visit with internist today. Blood work tomorrow. Not exactly sure why they do it that way. My previous dr ordered labs the week before, so we could review them together at my appointment. Now - I go after our appt to get blood work and then see results on website. No discussion of results. Oh well.

Processing what I want for this summer. I resurrected an old spreadsheet I used a couple years ago. Daily tracking of steps, exercise, etc. Have it all set up - started this past Sunday and will keep it through the next 12 weeks. Hope to see some impressive figures on that spreadsheet. Today's weight class was tough. I will feel my legs and butt tonight and tomorrow, definitely.

SO: for June: What do I want and what am I willing to do to get it?

Track food for at least a week to get an idea of how out of control my eating has become.
Drink regular water and reduce number of LaCroix I am drinking.
STOP snacking on junk stuff. Snack only on veggies, fruit, or healthy foods.
NO fast food for June.
Intervals at least twice a week.
Weights at least twice a week.
Walk dogs daily.
Salads. Many salads. Salads as the primary meal item.
Read.
Clean, cull, organize.



Deb
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5/29/18 4:40 P

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First surfing Sunday. Made it up first try. Hips were feeling it Sunday night. First walks around the block. Lots of deer out and about. The place is changing. It's amazing how many lots have changed hands in the 7 years we've had the place. And many of them have been torn down and replaced with 'real' houses, not lake cottages. I think I like the cottage vibe better...

Just got back from an interval (jogging/walking) 3.2 miles. It was nice. Started out a bit hotter than I expected, but ended with a downpour, so got cooled off quickly. Shoes are soaked. Nice to have someone to talk to and give me motivation.

Change seems to be in the air. I've read several blogs and journals focusing on changing things up, moving, realizing what isn't working and trying to figure out what will work. I'm not alone it seems.

Deb
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5/24/18 8:41 A

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Up this morning and out the door with Jerry. Walked to the turn around point and jogged back again. Then took the shepherds out (separately this time) for the cul-de-sac walks. I think the last session for weight class is today - so I will head over there. If there is no class, I will get some errands run while out and then either stop at gym to lift, or do a home session later.

Went through my books I have sitting around. Culled out about 10. On the diet and lifestyle books, I went through some and tore out some recipes I want to try. I kept a few books that I want to browse through again...however, I know I KNOW what to do, it's just a matter of doing it. my snacking is out of control. This last month has been crazy with me sitting at the computer way too much. I have a habit of 'rewarding' myself with a snack when I take a break - at least I think that's what I do - plus sipping coffee all morning doesn't help.

This summer - simplify. Cull out what I don't need. Well - that would be pretty much everything if I go with the true definition of 'need'... emoticon so - cull out what I don't use and what I know I won't ever use. Years ago I read a book along the lines of Get off Your Buts - not sure of exact title. But what resonated with me was that you need to review your goals and aspirations every once in a while. Things/life changes. And it's ok to change what you want out of life. What's important is that you acknowledge that you are letting go of some of your goals or objectives - mourn for a bit if you must - but then set aside the goal, with full knowledge of what you are doing and why. And then - go on, without looking back at that goal with sadness or longing. My older son and I, when he was 5 or so, talked about traveling to certain areas of the world. I know, without a doubt, that I will never go to those places. So - I gave that up. And I need to extend this to my life now - as part of the process of letting go of my younger son's hs years. Looking ahead to what I want out of the next few years...I need to make sure it's what I want and it serves me well.

Deb
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5/23/18 8:14 A

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I find it interesting how the brain processes at night. The last 2 nights' sleep have been filled with vague, rambling dreams in which various hs people have appeared. Some my son's friends, some their parents, some the administrators. Guess my brain is trying to work through 'the end' of these relationships and hopefully allow me to truly move on, forgive as necessary and forget. I stress the forgive is a necessity for me...there may actually be nothing to forgive...my perception and hurts and beliefs are what I need to get away from. I am reminded of when in college - there were many nights I went to sleep after studying...where the answer or way to proceed in a difficult (impossible, it seemed) study area came in a dream. I'd wake up and immediately be focused and have achieved a better degree of understanding. Wish that would happen now regarding my physical state...

I am up another couple pounds. And not sure why. The cardiologist removed me from 1 medication. I am being weened off 1, with plans to start the replacement at the beginning of June. SO - is that part of it? I have been decent with my meals. Feeling quite the blob at this point. A friend gave me a bunch of pictures from my son's wedding in November. I know 1 dress I will be throwing out!!! I was very unhappy with how I looked in most of the pictures. But - it is up to me. My choices, past and current, got me where I am - and either keep me here, or let me move forward.

Onward with optimism is where I want to go.

Deb
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5/22/18 9:40 A

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This morning, I finally forced myself to 'get out there'. Jerry (the granddog, who I will only have for another few weeks) and I started with a short walk and then jogged back. yes - we actually jogged all the way back. emoticon It was not that long, BUT, I did it. And it was not hard, I was not gasping for breath, I felt good. Then I switched out Jerry for my 2 shepherds and we did the cul-de-sac behind us, walking only. The choc lab came out and charged again. I was able to avoid getting bit this time. I may need to rethink walking 2 dogs together. It's hard to control 2 large dogs when they are being charged by a non-restrained dog. But - I am proud of myself that I avoided expressing my displeasure. It's hard not to get exasperated with a person who has a habit of letting their dog roam (we have strict leash laws) and then stands at the door, half-heartedly calling the dog back, instead of coming out to get them away from an escalating situation. Oh well. I know there is a strong possibility this will happen - it is up to me to be prepared.

Then, sat down to work, and immediately, issues with a supplier. WHY don't people do what they say they are going to do????

So - heading out to do some stuff. Today started well. It will be well. It will end well.

Edited by: CHIGGERCANE at: 5/22/2018 (09:41)
Deb
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5/21/18 4:45 P

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I blogged yesterday about What Now? I figured out I let my goals and objectives kind of ...disappear. There are a bunch of endings happening now, that I forgot to set some beginnings. I'm done with coaching. I'm done with meeting the Next Level workout people (as it's associated with coaching - plus, I never found my niche). I'm done with hs (YEA!!!!).

I still have my gym membership. The mountain is still near where I live... emoticon . I am signed up to continue the weight training class on Thursday, starting next week. The neighborhood pool is still in my neighborhood and has water in it, although it has been several years since I have taken advantage of it. The lake is still there.

In other words, I have no excuses for 'making do' with what I have. I just need to look at putting new spins on things. I think I am at the point in my life to acknowledge that I will NEVER 'get back to' exercise as I used to. BUT - there is nothing wrong with coming up with my new normal - which can still be a challenge to myself. And can still get me in better in shape than I am in now.

Time to get rid of some things and expectations. Time to figure out what it is I really want out of life. And time to get down to it.

Deb
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5/18/18 11:05 A

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Another week 'getting by'. Some light weights at home and dog walks have been all I have managed to do. At least it is something. Next week, I hope to get back to doing more.

Yesterday was hs grad breakfast. While not as bad as I had imagined it could be, it was still depressing. Found out some stuff (not surprising) talking to a couple parents I haven't seen in a while. Reinforces all the reasons I am glad hs is coming to a close. Makes me feel for my kid. I pray he is liberated after tomorrow's ceremony and tackles his future with optimism. I am glad he is off to college alone - a chance to get away from hs cliques. I was appalled at the end of the announcements yesterday that the hs principle read off a list of students needed for something - at the end, she stumbled and said "spell check didn't work - is there a student with last name XXX and last name YYY? we need them if there are students named that." REALLY??? 115 graduates and you don't know them? And 1 had been there since 2003 (and her dad is the athletic director) and the other at the school since 2006??? Small, private school - where supposedly every student is valued and loved...uhhhh, not feeling the love and inclusion. emoticon My heart aches for my child. But - talking with other parents, at least I know my son's experiences are not isolated. Doesn't make it better for him, but makes me feel less guilty in a way...24 more hours and I can forget about hs.

Getting house ready for grad party tomorrow afternoon. Dinner tomorrow night with close friends - hate doing it tomorrow but it's only day that works for friend from out of town.

Sunday - back on track to getting some harder exercise - as well as routine - back into my life.

Edited by: CHIGGERCANE at: 5/21/2018 (16:37)
Deb
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5/12/18 7:29 A

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I will put this week down as 'getting by'. Feeling anxious for son. He has 1 exam each Monday and Tuesday. He is doing a service project this morning. Then, hs breakfast, practice and graduation and he's done! Yea! He mentioned last night his tentative college room mate is a no-go. Not sure what's going on there, but I feel sad...although when I met the kid, I was pretty sure they were a mismatch. I had convinced myself my son being with someone so different MIGHT be a good thing as it would expose him to other things and people. Honestly, I'm glad he won't be rooming with him - but I am now anxious about who he will find or be assigned to a room with. My best room mate in college was a random selection thing, so I know it can work.

Work has several things blowing up - I'm trying to believe the best.

Today, I will get done what needs to get done. I will focus on having the best day I can.

Deb
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5/10/18 8:34 A

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Update for the week - time is getting away from me!
This week's plan:
Mtn walk/jog - not yet - Saturday??? today if gym doesn't happen?
Gym swim - not yet - tomorrow?
Gym weight machines - not yet - today?
Gym treadmill or track - not yet - today?
Gym yoga - not yet - today?
Home weights - yes, twice so far
Home elliptical - yes

I could say work got it the way, which it did - but I had plenty of opportunity to get to the gym. I SHOULD have gone Weds...but, I didn't for various reasons I allowed myself to believe.

Another family situation has me feeling blah. I don't like to admit that I am the one stirring things up...but I guess it is me. However! There are reasons to stir things up and that is what I am upset about. As I wrote about several years ago, I refuse to play the victim anymore to bullying behavior by my sisters. So, I am often seen as the instigator, because I call them on their actions - actually, I don't go out of my way to 'call them' on their behavior - I just acknowledge their actual behavior when they try to explain away their actions as something different. Oh well - life goes on...

Deb
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5/6/18 3:23 P

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Dock is back where it belongs. I decided to skip shopping - will do that tomorrow. I hate shopping on weekends...actually I hate shopping at all. So - I do it when there are less people around.

Still ruminating on my crazy sister and her behavior from Friday. I need to let it go. I know my mom was also involved which makes me feel even worse. Your family should love you, right? And play nice, right? let it go...let it go...

Graduation party was nice - took us 3 hours each way. Stayed an hour. Not a ton of people (possibly due to drive??). Now on to my son's graduation.

This week's plan:
Mtn walk/jog
Gym swim
Gym weight machines
Gym treadmill or track
Gym yoga
Home weights
Home elliptical
Not linking a day to anything, just a general check off list

Food planning still to do, but I have a basic idea in my head. Just need to write it down, comparing it to the schedule of activities this week.

Overall plan - reduce sugar and processed foods. Drink water. Eat more salads.


Edited by: CHIGGERCANE at: 5/6/2018 (15:23)
Deb
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5/4/18 7:52 P

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Thank you INACAR for visiting and your blessings. I pray for blessings over my son as he graduates.

Today, I had dinner with my sister (the crazy one... emoticon ) for her son's birthday. My sister and her husband are here from out of town. Her husband's parents were at dinner. I haven't seen them in several years. Halfway through dinner, my sister's FIL looks at me in surprise and says "That's who you are...you sure don't look like yourself anymore." I laughed and said "Yes - I've gotten old and fat." He shook his head and said "No - you're not old". emoticon He's 90...I'll give him a break. I laughed to break the awkwardness. Oh well. I think I remember him saying something similar the last time I saw him.

So - I am not feeling encouraged tonight. I am sore from yesterday's weight class. It was a tough one. I should write down what we did so I can do it at home. My head and eyes are hurting. I did not spend too much time on the computer today, so I'm not sure what's going on. I was downtown taking care of a rental house today. At least the HVAC people showed up today - the guy on Tuesday never showed. I cleaned windows while waiting for HVAC people. I don't think the windows had been cleaned since I lived in the place (35ish years ago!). Made me consider (mind, I said consider) cleaning my own windows...LOL. As I looked around at the place, I see SO MUCH that needs to be done. So much has already been done, but it never ends. I really want to get rid of the place. But - that won't happen for at least 1 more year. It's overwhelming what needs to be done. The tenant moving in is a friend of my oldest son. I hope it works out.

So - tomorrow is a graduation party for a friend's son. We will be gone most of the day. Sunday, we need to get up to fix the dock that tried to take off last weekend. I really need to get organized for my son's graduation party. Next week, I see the cardiologist again for the 6 month check up. I had intended to be at least 10 pounds thinner...oh well... emoticon


Deb
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5/3/18 10:32 P

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I have to say you have a lot of things bouncing through your mind, it seems familiar to me, I think having control over things and can't quite get it is the ruin of many a soul. I am a control freak, and now in my life I am out of that position. It's a little awkward and causes stress to increase in my day to day. A son graduating is a major stress button. God bless you as you get through next few weeks.

KISS-Keep It Simple Sweetie!
Have you ever wished for different?
Now is the time to make it happen.





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5/3/18 8:31 A

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Last coaching Weds class last night. Nice way to end it. We had a cooking event at a local olive oil/vinegar store. The owner has done some cooking demonstrations and talks before. We made green goddess hummus and an indian kachumber salad with yogurt. All very good - and now that I know how to make them, possibly a new way to eat for occasionally. I did purchase some small vials of her custom infused olive oil as they are very good. I'm glad to be done with coaching. My mind is not where it needs to be right now. Hasn't been for a long time.

After I got home last night, I was browsing on another site and got annoyed at the blatant commercialism. A new post by a user who was so excited and referenced buying the 'new' book and how much it had helped her. A response almost immediately, asking questions about the new book and how does it compare to the other book, which is SO HELPFUL. Then back and forth about how each of the books gives different but critical information - and you really need them ALL. And I wonder if I am just too cynical or are people that easily manipulated? I admit, I've been manipulated like that too. Get this and it will change your life! And that's partly why I'm glad coaching is over. I see the coach's community partners and how they promote each other...and some of it is good to know about...but other is just plain consumer 'vulturing'? Not sure that's the right phrase. Oh well.

Work has really been frustrating lately. Waiting on people to do stuff...and they are not doing it. And it will impact me next week severely! I can feel my stress level rising as I am typing this. And frustration/annoyance over HS graduation crap...I will be SO GLAD when my son walks across that stage and gets his diploma and I can forget about HS!!!!! I so look forward to him moving on to college. His summer job situation is causing some stress right now as well. Who he is working for and when still to be ironed out...which wraps right around to the work stuff I am waiting on....it's all a circle and I need to realize that worrying and stressing does absolutely nothing but bad things for me. It will work out as it works out - and it will be fine... emoticon

Husband and I took all 3 dogs the other night to the mtn. We did my normal running path backwards - it was a nce walk. Hips were a bit annoyed that night. I need to get back to icing...BACK? How about START?! Today is weight class - probably the last one. I won;t make then next 2 due to dr appt and grad activities, and then I think the session is over. So, until I start back up for summer, I must continue my at home sessions. These at home sessions are only about 1/4 the time of the class...so I need to up the time as well. Not sure if I will make coaching this morning...feeling like I will not!

Deb
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5/1/18 8:05 A

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I did the mountain AREA yesterday. Took the grand-dog, parking in overflow lot, walked/jogged down the incline, turned around to slow jog back up...and the dog decided he had had enough! He very slowly walked up the incline, looking at me reproachfully the entire time. Now before anyone thinks I am abusing this poor pup, while he is 7 years old, he acts as if he is 2. He is a hound mix with extremely long legs. He is not overweight. he loves to jump and run. He does not like road traffic sounds...so I am thinking that was part of it. Plus, he was alone with me instead of with the pack. The incline I am talking about is only 1/3 of a mile. Honestly, I didn't think I'd be able to jog up the entire incline - so, yes - I was glad he wanted to walk. At least we got out some. I will rethink taking him with me though as I don't think he enjoyed the outing.

TODAY - MAY DAY - reboot, recommit, reassess - everything. My goals, my objectives, my approach, my mental attitude, my thoughts, etc. It's time to get out of my rut, try to be better than last month (shouldn't be hard!), be proud of my efforts in my favorite month of the year!

Deb
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4/30/18 8:53 A

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Looking over what I wrote last time, I am again frustrated with myself. I DO know what I am doing wrong. It's stopping the bad behavior and habits that I seem to have problem with. I have baked more and eaten more sugar and white flour in the past month than since last November timeframe. Why???

And - for some strange reason - I signed up to continue my Thursday weight class - after I wrote I was going to concentrate on Yoga once weight class was done!!! However, I did put some thought into that one. The class is great. The price is fantastic. And I do need SOME social interaction. Looking ahead to June timeframe, I am afraid my husband and son will be out of town quite a bit for work. It will be me and the dogs (and possibly a new puppy!!!!) and that's it. I have a tendency to shut myself away...so I decided to keep the Thursday weight class. I have a feeling I will 'allow' myself to skip sometimes (since it's summer), but at least I still have that option. And there is the Tuesday Yoga class - and I do think there are a coupe other classes as well offered at additional times. Once school is over (2 weeks of classes left!!!) for my son I think I will experience empty nest syndrome and go a little crazy...ha. School time, dinner time, work time - all times may be redefined to fit our new normal... emoticon

So - this week - reboot.
REDUCE sugar and white flour...and bread...and butter.
Plan meals - heavy on salads.
Drink my water.
Go to Yoga.
Go to mountain.
Lift weights at home and gym.
Go to weight class.
Walk dogs.
Get my work done.



Deb
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4/25/18 3:36 P

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Actually made it to yoga yesterday. Afterwards, I lifting weights and did some machines work. finished last night with a dog walk. A neighbor's dog came out to establish his territory which resulted in my dog chomping down on my thigh in his anxiety/excitement. Not too bad, but a couple puncture wounds and bad bruising. I hate to think how bad it would be if he meant to bite me!

Today has been another day stuck at the computer. I don't think I've stepped outside today at all. It's another grey and drizzly day here, cold for late April. But - I know I would feel much better if I stepped outside a bit. Will get another dog walk tonight - hopefully without the bite.

I'm glad I made the Yoga session yesterday. I am not 'good' at Yoga - speaking both in terms of the physical and the mental. I guess practice is needed. The lady I was next to yesterday indicated the Thursday class is better. Once my weight class is over, I will try the Thurs class. I think I just need to decide to make Yoga my 'designated exercise' and force myself to live up to that commitment. I have convinced myself that the unusual weather is partially to blame for my not continuing my interval jogging habit... emoticon I don't know that I will like Yoga or decide to make Yoga a habit, but I want to try it and see what happens.

Hard to believe it is almost May. So much I want to get done....I read someon'e blog about how she never thought she would be back at her younger weight...and I am optimistic. I know I can get there. I know what I am doing 'wrong', or rather how I am derailing my efforts. My biggest problem is me - getting in my own way, sabotaging my efforts. What I need to stop and consider is WHY am I doing this?

Deb
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4/21/18 10:47 A

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5K this morning. I went with a friend and walked. There were 2 very short SLOW jogging sessions. Nothing to brag about. It felt good to get back out there. Very small race in support of a local elementary school. I think my friend and I were probably the only non-school people doing the race. I have another 5K again next weekend in which I hope to be doing better intervals.

I will go do some hand weights in a bit and get the dogs out for a walk later. Tomorrow the rain comes back in. It should wash away the last of the pollen (fingers crossed). I consider the week 'start' to be Sunday, but I am using today's activities as a 'get back in routine' day. This coming week will be a challenge to myself to get my exercise back in place as a priority in my life. I discussed this with my friend as we walking - the importance of keeping commitments made to yourself.

I am making progress on my pantry clean out as well. I mentioned to my husband that we have all this STUFF that is in the pantry. I've culled out the expired stuff - but there's still ALL these things that are always THERE. Why did I buy them? When are they ever used? Why don't I use what we have instead of buying other stuff? I told him I had a goal to use the stuff in the pantry and get down to the staples we really use. Less choices, more room, simple decisions. I will admit, it's hard to open the pantry and not think I need to go get some things. We will see how low we can go. emoticon

Less than a month of hs left for my youngest!!! I know I may look back on this time and wish for it back...but I will NEVER wish for HS back. I hated HS and I am afraid my son is having the same feelings as I did. Or - am I projecting my feelings on to him? I so look forward to him experiencing college opportunities.

On to the pantry and other activities!



Deb
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4/19/18 6:18 P

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Where would I be without work? The last 2 weeks have been almost unbearable. It's not actually 'work', but the regulations ABOUT work....ugh! Makes my stomach hurt, raises my stress level, makes my head ache...I think it's time to seriously consider stopping.

SO - I did make it to my coaching last night and weight class today. I've been out on some longer walks with the dogs. Light weight sessions at home every other day. Other than that - little cardio, no swimming, no yoga. I am hoping next week calms down and I can get to the gym and the mountain like I plan.

Food has actually been pretty good. Water also. I've upped the LaCroix again. I need a happy medium between that and plain water.

All in all, I'm doing my best in a trying situation. That's good enough for now.

Deb
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4/12/18 8:41 A

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12 days into April and how am I doing with paying attention to my goals?

Reduce/limit sugar - mostly good. Monday was my only 'intentionally' off course day.
Increase plain water (been relying on LaCroix, Pelligrino and Perrier too much) - great. I made a point to 'run out' of the choices, so I went back to green tea and filtered water. But - i also reduced the amount I drink...work to do.
Limit processed foods - good. Had pasta last night, 1st 'processed' food in a while.
No snacking after dinner - this is still an area to work on, altho I am doing better than last month.
Live my workout plan - NO. Horrible effort so far. Work has been very demanding. I am hobbling along with great intentions to improve...
2 5Ks in April (organized runs) Still on schedule
Stretch and ice regularly - NO. Again an area to work on.
Yoga or Tai Chai worked in a couple or few times - NO...
Update and live my meal plan - Been winging it since April 1...and actually not doing too badly at that.
Do some 'just because' things - not yet. see below ruminations
Continue to read, meditate, be grateful - comsi comsa - I make a conscious effort in the morning to be grateful for the day ahead (and the past)...I allow the frustrations of dealing with life to get to me too much
Walk dogs - actually not TOO bad. Still room for improvement.

Just because gestures. I try to add these in to build up others, as well as myself. When my youngest was in 3yo preschool, his teacher ( a wonderful lady) harped on them constantly that you can either build up people or tear them down, with your actions, your words, your behaviors. I try to remember that - and I strive to find some anonymous way to encourage others, especially when I project my own level of insecurity, frustration, sadness, etc. on to others. I was doing rather well with this a year or so ago - and then just forgot. How is it that I seem to forget my goals...not enough practice, too much going on, not thinking?

Work has been very stressful lately. I think that has knocked me off my strive for routine. Having to switch gears and handle the most important things while letting other things 'go' is hard for me. The other night, BP was getting high again. I woke up yesterday with a massive headache...and immediately imagined the worst - another heart attack coming...no - pollen count the highest it's been in 3 years. I will take a pollen headache over a heart attack any day.

So - I have made an effort to reassess where I am. I will refocus, get back on track for the remainder of April. Everything is well.

Deb
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4/1/18 2:54 P

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April Goals:

Reduce/limit sugar
Increase plain water (been relying on LaCroix, Pelligrino and Perrier too much)
Limit processed foods
No snacking after dinner
Live my workout plan
2 5Ks in April (organized runs)
Stretch and ice regularly
Yoga or Tai Chai worked in a couple or few times
Update and live my meal plan
Do some 'just because' things
Continue to read, meditate, be grateful
Walk dogs

Older dog had an MRI yesterday. She has some back issues. While overall good news, she is on 'total' rest for 2 weeks, in addition to another medication. After reassessing her in a few weeks, the vet will let us know what he thinks she can handle. I know she is done with agility. She does a couple other things that are less strenuous, so if she is able to do something, it will be those. I am sad - for her (because she really does love it) and for me (because it gives us something to do together and I like it).

I feel like March was a step back for me - both mentally and physically. Weight wise, I am where I was March 1. But I have been spinning my wheels for about a year now. I need to do some soul searching as to why I sabotage myself and stay where I am when I say I am unhappy this way. It's more the disappointment on myself rather than the weight that is more pressing - and as the weather warms up and we start spending time at the lake (in smaller clothes), I know I will be very unhappy with myself.

SO - April must be my restart month. My push to be the best I can be.


Deb
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3/29/18 8:50 A

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Coaching last night was a PT visiting to talk about stretching and how to handle issues we have. It was a good class. Coach never showed - which was fine. Only 1/2 the class was there, so it was a nice gathering with lots of time to get our (many) issues addressed. It's another matter of I know what to do - but do I do it (on a regular basis)? No. So - something to get back on my schedule/routine. Which makes me want to pull out my FlyLady routines and revamp them again -and post them so I look at them. Someday...

Today, I am missing coaching and weight class due to a financial meeting I must attend with my mother. Part of me is annoyed that she made this meeting at this time, as I have told her over the last 18 months that Thursday mornings are restricted. She typically has a meeting she goes to at this same time, so I am thinking that she purposefully made this appointment at this time so that I would a) not be able to go or b) change my plans to accommodate her, thus proving I will put her first. If I did a), then she could hold it over me when I had questions later...she's done this before. I ran across a quote yesterday - Never choose malice when ignorance is an option. Must remember. And believe. It is fine that I am missing classes - I will work out at home. I will!

Pollen here is horrible. We've had enough rain and cold weather so that the pollen has not been an issue until the last 10 days or so. Today, I am a mess of sneezing, coughing, headache, itchy eyes, scratchy throat. Probably a good thing I am missing weight class... emoticon

Maunday Thursday - I think this is my 'favorite' day of holy week. The day decisions were made and things set in motion. The day that brings it all home how much was sacrificed. Years ago, I read The Robe - I need to put that on my re-read list. I am trying very hard to not let family drama override Easter meaning...what is it with holidays and family drama???

Edited by: CHIGGERCANE at: 3/29/2018 (08:51)
Deb
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3/27/18 9:57 A

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Mental attitude still needs to be whipped into shape. Thought pollen was bothering son, (still think it's an issue), but he's battling a head cold. Which means he's relaxing his workout routine. I get very frustrated in that he starts something and throws his whole intention into it - and then eases off - and then stops. He's been going fairly strong since January. But the last 2 - 3 weeks...not so much. So - I imagine there's other stuff going on. We have 7 weeks left to graduation and 1 of those weeks is spring break. SO SO SO glad we will soon be done with hs! BUT - yes, I notice the irony. He does what I do - not being consistent and staying with the program - which is why it bothers me so much. emoticon

Since I had the body fat test done, I tried to increase my calories - with 'good' food. And I've gained weight again. Sometimes up 5 pounds...I'm still about 2-3 lbs heavier than when I started the year. Have I been 100% perfect with my choices? No - and that's when I get annoyed with myself. So - I wonder - stay with the program - keep trying to hit that calorie goal? I must confess, it's pushing me to 'try something different.' and I wonder, is the inconsistency causing me more problems? Last week, I fell back on an eating program that worked for me before - and it got me back down a couple pounds. However, I've been at this coaching thing almost 18 months - and not alot to show for it...

And then coaching last week....we did a fluff class on bringing in your favorite kitchen item which helps you stay on track...I was rather judgemental, I guess. I have the cooking stuff down - and I DON'T like gadgets. I don't like being steered into "buy this and it will change your life" crap. But, during the class, she promoted another book about what the heck to eat (yes - it's in the title). I really didn't want to get it...I've read SO many books - each time thinking THIS IS THE ONE! I've read: Beck (altho not technically a diet), Daniel Plan, Wheat Belly, Blood Type Diet, Tosca's entire series, Whole30, Eat to Win, Ant-Inflammation Diet, and I'm sure there are more. Each time, I usually drop a couple pounds, stay on the plan for a while - life happens - and I stop or relax - and here's the weight again.

At this point, I stop and remember how I used to eat when I had no problems with weight (and was under less stress, was younger, was jogging, was sleeping thru the night, etc). Apple in the morning, decent lunch, snack when got home from work, very small dinner, maybe a small snack before bed. I was eating far less than I eat now...which is counter to the baseline caloric guideline I was given. And I think - should I try to go back to that?

And I get annoyed that I am now obsessed with food and the eating/planning process - planning what to eat, wondering what will happen if I eat this or that, WHY can't I lose weight, etc. I saw a few blogs about the blood type diet and I pulled up my profile and notes that I made when I read the book - I am one of the 5% AB+ people - and it recommends a modified vegetarian diet...which is pretty much how I ate when I was younger and skinny (yes - I was skinny,not thin). And I was told that this new book (which I did buy and received in mail yesterday - yes I wanted the hardcopy) promotes a mostly plant based diet with 'condi-meats'...so - I will read the book. I will take notes. BUT - I am at that frustration point with myself. I need to COMMIT. I need to STAY FOCUSED. I need to DIG DEEP. I need to figure out what I really want - and JUST DO IT. I guess I should make some vinyl inspirational sayings and post them on the windows I face while at my desk...don't think my husband would like that emoticon . No - I need to JUST DO IT - NOW.

I've been reading that book by the bar rescue guy - Stop BSing Yourself. I guess there's a few good points in there so far - but the main thing is the title. It's time for me to be completely honest with myself - all the time.

Deb
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3/21/18 4:43 P

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Tuesday plan changed also - only did weights at home.

Today's swim was good. 35 minutes. Added some laps. Still a ways to go before I am feeling 'competent'.

Food wise, I always sabotage myself at some point in the day. Why? My mental attitude needs to toughen up.

Deb
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3/19/18 5:54 P

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Monday - switched to the gym due to weather. Decided to do an endurance walk/jog on the treadmill - 50 mins for me is endurance. There was a weight class I considered doing afterwards BUT - that horrible BUT - I wore a regular shirt and was way TOO hot, and I was afraid I would experience some fainting feelings since I was so hot after the walking/jogging. This changes tomorrow's plan.

Tuesday - Tai Chi or Yoga, weight machine circuit

Now - to tighten up my eating. I wolfed down 400 calories (additional) at lunch - partly due to feeling hungry and partly due to being stuck waiting on someone. I should have done something instead of just sit and wait. I'll do better next time. Even with that, as long as I stay with my plan for the rest of the day, I am under my caloric plan. No problems.

Got a few things accomplished on my list today. Also added some things.

Deb
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3/18/18 3:52 P

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Today is a gloriously warm, sunny day here. We've been doing some chores outside, including pressure washing the walkway - lots of fun - and just finished with a walk for the dogs. They looked pooped by the end. Not sure if they are just getting old, or the heat is something they need to adjust to. Went to church this am. Mom and sister acting a bit weird. Not going to be upset about about it. Trying to plan out my week ahead - set my schedule for work, exercise, and food.

I have finally finished writing down my goals for the month. Some 'final' planning I want to get done so it's done. Need to start planning son's graduation party. Not sure he wants one, but at least we will have a family get together.

This week ahead:

Monday - work in am, mountain walk (possible interval jogging) weather allowing
Tuesday - gym for treadmill, weight machine circuit, possibly Yoga or Tai Chi
Weds - swim or barre
Thurs - coaching, weight class, short intervals?
Friday - swim (if didn't do Weds) or mountain walk?
Saturday - weights or TRX at home, elliptical?
Additional dog walks each day weather permitting

Deb
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3/15/18 4:17 P

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coaching and weight class today. Towards the end of class, we did crab walks - which I think are more like penguin shuffles - band above your ankles and waddle around the room. Wow. I really don't think these are good for my hip bursitis...I really feel these. Good class, as always. Arms and shoulders are pleasantly fatigued.

Coaching class featured a couple - each has lost over 40 pounds since August of 2017. It was interesting to hear their 'story'. They've streamlined their eating to achieve this. They have done some walking, but most of the progress is due to their eating habits. The man (who is 6'4") eats 1400 cals per day... emoticon ...She's eating 1200 cals/day. She had the body fat dunk test done last week - I wanted to ask her how many calories that test suggested she eat. It's great that they have supported each other though their weight loss journal.

It's nice to hear inspirational stories - however, I always get to the point where I'm wondering why I can't seem to stay focused. I have yet to finish writing down my goals for the next 29 days. I really want to have the 'right' goals this month. Month after month of not meeting any of my goals is doing a number on my self esteem. How to set realistic yet challenging goals?

I told a friend today at weight class that I think stress is a big problem for me. I really do believe my stress levels are interfering with my weight loss. Which brings me to why have I not made more of an effort to do stress reduction techniques (meditation, reading, yoga tai chi)? Guess I need to write these down on my goal list, huh?

Deb
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3/13/18 4:27 P

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Made it to the gym today for treadmill and machine circuit. I ended up getting there 2 hours after I had planned to go - but at least I got there. Did dog walks earlier today - made them happy to get out a bit. Still cold and windy. I hope it warms up soon. And stays warm.

Food better. I have written down a daily plan on 3x5 card in kitchen. Today, after workout, I was hungry and ate a few things not written on the card. 3-5 is my horrible time. I need to set a plan - and then not deviate from it.



Deb
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3/10/18 8:11 P

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Thursday was coaching and weight class. Weight class is a very thorough, full body workout. I think it's time for me to up my weights. Next week, I will and see how I feel. Friday, I had a much needed massage. The crick in my neck feels like it is gone now. She has magic fingers! We did dog agility last night - but that's not much of a workout. I consider Friday my rest day. Today, I did some painting walls and trim, elliptical for 20 mins, hand weights for arms and chest, and massage chair.

My eating today is better. Still room for improvement. My goal tonight is NO SNACKING. Repeat - NO SNACKING. I have brushed my teeth, the dishwasher is running - the kitchen is closed except for water.

Tomorrow...hoping to get in a dog walk (or 3 depending on weather - and whether husband comes along). Stretch and ice - and listen to a meditation.

Monday - is my designated work day - and if I can get it in - walk or jog intervals at the mountain. I need to get back to that. Yesterday, there was a man-hunt going on in the park. Bloodhounds and police running through the woods, and helicopters hovering over the neighborhood. Haven't found out what happened, but it brings up concerns about heading into the woods by myself.

Deb
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3/7/18 2:43 P

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Swimming done. 24 lengths again. 25 mins. Can feel the arms again. Afterwards, I sat in the sauna for 10 mins. Sauna did not feel like it was at the correct temp - felt a bit low. Again today, I was convincing myself that I MUST go to the gym. But - I am getting better at making myself go. So far, noon-ish appears to be a great time to be there.



Deb
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3/6/18 2:08 P

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Just got back from a lunchtime visit to the gym. Great time to be there. Rain may have something to do with the sparse number of members. Did treadmill and the machine circuit. The shoulder machine was surprisingly hard. I was only able to manage 8 reps each set - and the 2nd set I dropped some weight. Once I moved to the next machine I realized I had set it up for the wrong machine. My weight was SUPPOSED to be 5 lbs - I had set it up for 25 lbs. The fact I was able to do even 8 is impressive.

I'm glad I forced myself to get to the gym. It's a grey, rainy, nasty day here and it would have been so easy to just stay here and work. I had to mail something, so once I got out, I convinced myself I would feel better getting in a workout - and I do.

Beck Day is find a diet coach. I have that with my coaching class. Her approach fits in nicely with Beck - same principles, same advice. I know I go through waves of acceptance and rejection with her approach...same with Beck. Right now, I am experiencing the rejection phase - with her and Beck. I would love to be able to be myself as I was in my teens and mid-twenties - where I never really thought about food at all. Another reason perhaps, to go ahead and finish up my standard meal plans and just go with it. I think meal planning will become much easier in a few months when my youngest goes off to college.

So - rest of week - tomorrow - swimming, Thurs coaching and weight class, Fri - mountain (weather permitting) or elliptical. Saturday TRX or weights at home plus dog walks (more than just Saturday).


Deb
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3/1/18 2:32 P

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Today was coaching and weight class. Class was tough, focused on band work. Arms felt very weak. Lots of room for improvement. Just wondered whether the swimming yesterday has anything to do with weak arms today?

Coaching message was basically the same message as last night - but presented a bit differently. Why I need someone to motivate me, rather than myself - I don't know. Some ideas to ponder: changing to morning routine; practice gratitude.

It's rainy and cold today. Have a bit more work to do, then I am heating up some coffee and jumping in a warm shower. Coach said your body releases dopamine during a shower and she encouraged us to start listening to podcasts in the shower...I think I will check that claim out. As for podcasts...maybe...maybe...

Deb
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2/28/18 2:42 P

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Son drove himself...so, I went back to bed. emoticon I did manage to get to the pool just before noon. Did 26 lengths, various strokes, for 25 minutes. At least it's a start. I forgot my goggles, so freestyle was head up out of the water...in other words, bad form and slow. It's been probably 4, almost 5, months since I've done laps. I need to add a few items to my gym bag - and get a bit more organized for swimming. It was a fairly slow day - only 1 person per lap, which is how I like it.

I did not do treadmill. Have weights tomorrow. Will need to add some cardio in somewhere.

Class tonight. Hope it's a good meeting. We are to print out our food tracking from last 2 weeks to have coach review. Will be interesting to see her comments.


Deb
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2/27/18 5:52 P

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elliptical and weights in the basement today. My plan to have a set schedule for exercise (and GO!) is failing at this point. I think I need to make it my March goal. Son leaves tomorrow - I have to drop hi at school at 5:30 am. My PLAN is to head to the gym after I drop him off. Interval jog/walk on treadmill for a bit - then get in the pool. That way I get it done before the day starts. I will check my bag tonight to make sure I have everything I need. Since I did weights today, and have weights on Thursday, I will not do machines.

Woke up with a crick in neck yesterday. Very painful to lift my arm and turn my head. Chiro today - and planned for Friday. Heat on back and neck tonight. I need to figure out how I am sleeping wrong.

Food today was awful. Trying to up my calories is messing with my head still. Too easy to allow myself to eat 'stuff' - I need to add quality calories.



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2/23/18 5:23 P

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1 dog walk today. Husband went with me, so we had all 3 with us. Went farther, so distance was same as the 3 dog walks yesterday. That was it today. I did not make the pool this week. I will put that on the list for next week. Weight class from yesterday has me sore in hips - we did some band work that was quite challenging.
We are going to agility, but as I run the shepherd who is banned from jumping now, not sure how we will do.

Still trying to adjust to higher calories. Entered my plan for today - was under almost 600 cals. Mentally, I've got to get a grip. I ate some cookies...cause I had the calories available. NOT a good reason. Even if I have the calories to eat, I don't want to eat sugar and junk. Need to spend more time planning.

Deb
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2/22/18 2:39 P

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Adjusted my cal goal in myfitnesspal. Made the goal yesterday - and scale down 1 lb this morning. LOL I have logged today's plan and am under by about 300 cals. Will see what happens as I prepare dinner - usually my munchie time. Not sure how to understand MFP, as it is saying I am already over in my subcategories for protein, carbs and fat...but under my caloric goal by 300 cals? I guess I have missed something in setting my goals cause I'm not sure what to eat other than protein,carbs and fat???

Did not make the pilates class I was going to try - work got in the way - but I managed to do intervals for 1 mile on the indoor track prior to weight class. Class was good and tough. The weather is absolutely gorgeous right now. I will get off here and take the dogs for a short walk. Each will get his or her own walk.

I need to update MFP with the caloric output for some activities that I received from the body fat test. Getting better numbers should help me a bit, right? Or, is this going to be information overload?

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2/20/18 2:19 P

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Yoga attempt done...and I'm not sure. I think it was a good class to attend. I was, of course, in the last row - except when she switched things up and I became front and center.. ugh! All in all, she was an excellent instructor. The class was very full, but no issues. I am not a limber person but I didn't feel too badly limited in my motions. My back and sides feel stretched out a bit. I don't think I achieved a peaceful mind, but maybe that will come with practice? I will try this again. I also want to try the Tai chi class, which is just before yoga. After yoga, I hit the treadmill and did intervals for 2 miles. Then did the machine circuit - 2 sets each machine. Was there just over 2 hours.

Was thinking on way home about scheduling out Tues and Thurs am for gym (scheduling out from work time). Office closed from 9 - noon so i can get my schedule. Monday will be totally set for work, but will get in 3 dog walks at some point. Friday or Weds would become my swim day, with the other day being set aside for mountain walking/jogging. At least, that is going to be my attempt to schedule my week. Weekends will be a weight day and walking/jogging/elliptical work/or HIIT work. Got my schedule. Let's see if I can live it out the rest of this week...and then we'll see about next week.

Tonight...body fat testing...already have my suit on under my clothes. I am looking forward to it. Krizta responded to my blog and suggested I not look at the % fat as i said I would be disappointed in myself. I appreciate her kind suggestion. BUT - I will look at the number. I think part of my problem is I have ignored reality for a few years. It is what it is. When I think of myself, I think of how I used to look. It's time to open my eyes wide and see what is actually there. I was hoping thee bathing suit bottoms would look a bit better....they've been in my drawer for 3 years now...maybe it's time to throw out stuff and start over...

Later: interesting test. According to calculated resting metabolic rate, I am undereating by a fair amount every day. So - I adjusted my fitness pal numbers and will work on upping my calories. I know that I have a tendency to graze, eating a little here and there all day. I will work on having larger meals with more protein, set snacks, while not letting my quality of food go 'poor'. After a week, I will see what happens weight wise. And adjust or continue on...AS I suspected, my fat % is pretty demoralizing. Makes me wonder - how did I get here? How do I fix myself? emoticon

Edited by: CHIGGERCANE at: 2/20/2018 (21:02)
Deb
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2/19/18 9:21 P

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I finally opened the meditation cd. And actually listened to one. There are 4 morning and 4 evening ones. I'm not sure about this. I will give it a go - but I'm not sure these are the ones for me. Earlier today, I did a search online and listened to a short, free one - actually kind of enjoyed that one. The guy instructs you to look at your closed eyelids and listen to his voice as he basically says some nonsense stuff on purpose, so rather a tongue in cheek meditation...maybe? emoticon The looking at your closed eyelids reminds me of when I was probably about 5 or 6 and my dad was talking to my older sister about how when you close your eyes you don't see anything. To which I piped up, "you see darkness with sparkles." My dad didn't appreciate that...but I thought it rather funny that the meditation I found online mentioned looking at the darkness of your eyelids and seeing the twinkles and sparkles. The cd I listened to was a bit too stuffy and breathy for me. But as I said, we will see. I have a devotion cd someone gave me for Christmas, so I can try that also. At least I did something.

Tomorrow, there is a gentle yoga class at the gym that I hope to get to. So - by tomorrow, I hope to have ticked off meditation (try) and yoga (try) so I can determine whether to continue to pursue, or mark these off as 'no go' for me.

I have decided to drop the coaching after this session, which will be mid to late May. I have mentally hit the 'enough' stage. I feel like the coaching is more "do this...and this...and this...and this" as well as "if we can do this, you can do this". A couple comments on fb training page kind of nailed the last nail in today. Someone decided she was pulling out a 1/2 marathon - and the group reaction was a rather simplistic recitation of motivational slogans...instead of an honest desire to understand why and sympathize as well as support. Hard to explain. Last weds night was a bit frustrating. A couple women in the group have a mission, and they are hard selling their mission - and coach is doing little to nothing to redirect or stop. I just get the feeling it's becoming a multilevel pyramid program, in a way. Coach brings in exercise people (who have a program you can buy), a healthy food expert (who has a store and sells cooking classes and supplies), sports store people (who will sell you equipment that you need), and clothing people (who sell you clothes you must buy), as well as races you can purchase...just feeling like I am being pushed too much with not enough time to figure out what works for my life. I feel that I am working on too many things too quickly. Which brings me back to setting my schedule. Get my schedule set and live it for a month at least.

So - tomorrow, I get the body fat test done. Will be given my resting metabolic rate (yea!) and then can tweak my meal plans.

Deb
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2/16/18 5:14 P

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Made it the gym today - but only for a massage. The therapist (who is very good at her profession) gave my legs a good rub down. I went Weds and tried out a new place, Motion Stretch. It's a very intense, 20 minute active stretch and massage. I have bruising from it...I feel looser in my hips, so not complaining about the bruising, but am a bit concerned. The massage today was not quite as intense, but I feel much better (maybe cause it was longer?). It made me realize how little I stretch, ice, and foam roll - and how much I need to be doing this, if I want to be able to be active as I intend to be. I'm reminded of breaking my toe years ago and how that derailed me - and continues to cause me issues!

SO - I guess my paragraph above is my explanation for not doing cardio today. My body needs a couple rest days here and there. Once I felt how sore I am during the massage, I decided to take today as a complete rest day - no cardio, no strength. Tomorrow, I will do TRX and elliptical, as well as some wall painting - and I will get that exercise and meal schedule down for next week- seriously. No more procrastinating. Dog agility was canceled due to rain - which is a good thing for me as well as the dog. Her vet has told us to NOT jump her anymore, due to back issues. emoticon

Feeling a bit unsettled again today. I've been floundering without a set schedule and lots to do in the future, but nothing extremely pressing at the moment. I need to make my list and then just start doing things - even if they are not due for a while. There are also quite a few things needing some research or waiting on others to do partial tasks. Again - I need to just do stuff.





Deb
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2/15/18 2:04 P

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Coaching and weight class today. Coaching involved having a trainer come in and talk about strength training and then a mini workout - so got that in plus my regular weight class. We don't meet next week - and then next week we are to bring in 2 weeks of food tracking. I started the year doing great - then slacked this past week or so. Will start again today...I hate tracking. I need to make this as painless as possible, so I will do a lot of repeat eating.

Tomorrow, I will get to the gym - possibly swimming. If not swimming, then treadmill only. No weights. Saturday will be TRX and elliptical and/or walking outside. Will cement my workout schedule this weekend.



Deb
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2/13/18 4:51 P

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went to the class (it was at 11 instead of 1, glad I checked). As soon as class was over, I ran upstairs and requested to reactivate my membership. I am officially dropping rehab classes. The class was a decent class - altho I would consider it minimal level intensity. 9 older men...and me. Other than 1 guy who went out of his way to 'help' me - I could tell they did not appreciate my being in the class. And I was glad to see that the trainer treats everyone as an idiot - not just me. emoticon I'm not sure what it is about him that grates on my nerves - but I think I am better off not being around him. When I told him I was dropping out, his eyes brightened up a bit - so maybe I annoy him as much as he annoys me...! So - now I must come up with a schedule that I commit to and follow through with!!!

I have made a list of all the exercise components I want to accomplish each week. Now to schedule it. I would like to keep a certain time each day as workout time, except for Thursday when I go to a couple classes. This time WILL be kept either at the gym, in the basement, or outside. I also need to add back in walking the dogs daily.

OK - make my schedule. Then the hard part - live the schedule.

Deb
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2/12/18 4:00 P

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Went to the gym, checked into Phase 3, did my treadmill (for 32 minutes of intervals - and I did NOT warm up at 1 mph, however, I did warm up a bit more than usual... emoticon ) then I did the machine circuit for 2 sets of each machine. Afterwards, I told 2 of the trainers that I will more than likely stop the program and just activate my membership - altho I will try to make the 1 pm class tomorrow just to see what it's like. Hopefully the appointments I have in the morning will allow for me to make it there in time. I will decide after that class when to reactivate the membership. I noticed they have a special on the massages...so, I may purchase a few tomorrow.

Was busy this weekend and didn't get all my scheduling done. I feel a bit unorganized. Will attempt to fix that tonight.

Deb
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2/8/18 9:15 A

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Ironic moment at coaching last night - I was used as an example - so I got 'trotted out'. Funny in that I complained about her bringing out her core group of people...We were discussing how stress can mess with you in so many ways and she asked me to address that. I could feel my face flushing - I don't like attention. Honestly, I feel 'silly' and embarrassed to some extent when explaining my heart attack. Oh well. After class, the woman next to me (at least 10 years younger than I) told me she has suffered 2 mini-strokes which are stress related as well...wow. Funny how I think a mini-stroke is more serious than a mild heart attack. emoticon

Anyway - I did not get up in time to get to the hydro class this morning. And here I am, wasting time on line, instead of getting my errands completed so I can get to weight class. Actually, I was going to add in another class this morning before weight class - but I am waffling on that as well. This is related to my needing to have a set schedule with at least 2 days totally off. The Phase 3 trainer said he wants us to have 6 days of 60 minutes minimum exercise. I know that with the dogs, my classes, and my lifestyle, I do that. The trainer I like had said we need to have 1 day of cardio that builds endurance (by having a steady state, challenging activity), and 1 day of cardio that builds fitness level (by having interval training). At a minimum. I will make some time this weekend to peruse the Phase 3 schedule, and my activities I want to do, and come up with a set plan for next week - that I will not allow myself to derail.

OK - off to class, errands, and work.

Deb
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2/7/18 9:14 A

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The class at CR was changed to a "form and function' class - which is 3 approx 15 min sessions, each with a different trainer. 1st session was with my old trainer learning to work the interval settings on treadmill (good to know) and then completing a 15 min workout using that (which turned into 20 mins with warmup and cooldown - nice little run). Then 15 mins on intro to ball and bosu with the new trainer - who again treated me like an idiot. "You're picking up on this so well!" after I had told him I have done many, many sessions with both ball and bosu. emoticon Then final 15 mins reviewing 2 of the machines for proper form. Felt like a waste of time for the most part. I did like the 3rd trainer, so maybe I can try to switch to her and away from the trainer who annoys me. I was told there was another class (a 'bit' harder) in another hour, but I had to get home to do some work. I will try that one out next week, I think (if I don't bail before then). While I was on the treadmill, my trainer from years ago came over and asked "what the heck are you doing with CR???". Good to see him again - and he may be an option for me again at some point.

In the afternoon, I met up with 3 others and we did intervals for 4 miles. It felt good. My back is a bit wonky now - I can feel and hear crunching when I stretch, so I may need to see the chiro. It's been a while. Today, weight was down 3 pounds from yesterday...not sure how that happens. Hope it doesn't spring back on tomorrow.

I really hope to be able to set a decent schedule soon. I feel like I am spending too much time here and there and everywhere, instead of having a set time for exercise. Off to work, now.

Deb
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2/6/18 8:22 A

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I am hoping Phase 3 improves. My trainer from initial CR came in to talk with me - and kind of laughed with me over being back at step 1. New trainer...not sure about him...trying to remain hopeful. He's older than I am, but treats me as if I am an idiot about exercise (and that I am feeble in brain and body). Which is the right way to handle it (the exercise part!)- I'm trying to be open to seeing this as a refresher course. He had me on the treadmill for 40 mins - but at MUCH slower speeds - insists on long, long, long warmups (at 1.0 mile per hour!!!),,,that's not going to last long for me. I have the option to reactivate my normal membership and skip this phase altogether - and I kept telling myself while on the treadmill - to give it a week. Try out all the classes and options - keep an open mind. If I suffer through this week, maybe I will change my mind...maybe. The gym area was full of other people in Phase 3 (including a dad of one of my high school friends!) as well as 'normal' gym members. We did the machine circuit. Today, I am trying a stretch and balance class, then meeting up this afternoon for a run. Tomorrow...need to decide. Trainer had mentioned doing free weights, but I have my Thursday weight class that I don't want to miss. Thurs am I am planning on trying hydro class. It will require me to get up and out of the house before my son leaves for school - and I don't like that. Open my mind to new possibilities!

Last night, I went to the other coaching class - wanted to observe and get a feel for what I wrote about yesterday. I am on the fence. I will finish the coaching session (both Weds and Thurs). I will plan on meeting up to train at least once per week. I will do my monthly 5Ks, but limit my distance to 5K. I will attempt to be less judgmental - very hard emoticon - while realizing that everyone has their issues. I will work on expanding my social habits and attitudes.

I feel as if my exercise habits are in flux (they are) and that is causing me some subsurface anxiety. Therefore, I think I need to really focus on the food aspect. As they say, diet is 80%, right? Or, is it now 90%? emoticon

Deb
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2/5/18 1:02 P

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Started this as a blog, then decided it was too negative to post - so I will put it here in my journal to mull over at my leisure.

I find it hard to focus on MY journey and not compare it to anyone else's. Anyone else have that problem? I find myself blaming social media...which I detest with a passion...but I have a choice to not use it, right? So - why do I allow myself to be affected? My coaching class and training group uses social media - so I tell myself I need to check it. But, I do hate it. So many "Look at what fun I am having, how busy I am, how happy I am...and you're not... and what's more, you weren't even invited!" That's the kicker for me - not being included - and my son not being included. And then I have to take that deep breath, and remind myself that others' blessings (and hardships) are theirs...not mine (or my son's), just as my blessings and hardships are mine, not theirs. And I truly am thankful for my blessings and relatively few and very minor hardships.

This weekend race is churning at my emotions for some reason. I did elect to take the easier path (5K over 15K) due to wind, rain and cold. I know it was the correct decision for me. But I am baffled by the group mentality that is being displayed - and it hits at my core of not being a joiner, if that makes sense. I've always tended to be an independent. I don't like it when I see group dynamics of "you may have joined but you're not part of the core group'...and I saw too much of that this weekend. The women I rode with to the race took opportunities to snipe at others not in the car...and then I see them 'love you' message to the same people on social media???? I don't like backstabbing or being 2-faced. I always strive to be honest and fair - maybe why I keep a very small circle of people I deal with? I heard too much, saw too much...and I guess I feel too much? I feel badly today. I was hoping to get some friendship and support out of coaching and the training group (and I have some), but I also see that I cannot change who I am at my core - independent and self motivating. I considered at the end of last year not signing up for coaching again - and I see now that I should have heeded that little feeling. I have learned some things. I have received some inspiration. BUT - I am also being led to compare my journey to too many other people. The coach says not to do it...but then parades out her core group of people - over and over again. I know it's to motivate us and say "Look - regular people like you - who succeeded by doing the work and making the effort." And they have worked hard to get where they are...but then I see them together and hear their comments about their 'friends' and I am taken back to middle and high school mean girls and I feel sick to my stomach. emoticon

So sorry to be down...just trying to sort out feelings. Maybe I should have stewed over it a bit more before composing this. I know I'm not done mulling it over. I'm just not sure what to do at this point. Do I quit coaching? Do i quit the training group? Well - time to head to cardiac rehab phase 3...my new group...gosh - I hope it's not a group of 'cool guys' who don't accept me...

Edited by: CHIGGERCANE at: 2/5/2018 (13:04)
Deb
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2/4/18 3:26 P

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I did chicken out - and I don't feel badly about it. It was cold, windy and raining this morning for the race. 1/2 the group decided not to do it. 3/4 of the remaining group ended up taking the 5K split. It was the correct decision for me. My ride was with 4 of the ones who did the whole 15K - so I was very grateful when I was offered a ride back to my car from someone who did the 5K. Jumped in a hot shower as soon as I got home - but I am still shivery now - 5 hours later. The weather did start to clear once we finished the 5K. The woman who drove me to my car kept going on and on about making the wrong decision...just like my mom...but I know this was best for me. I think I will make a point to limit my race events to 5Ks. I know I can do a 10K, with little problem. Anything beyond that is a stretch for me right now.

I really want to focus on improving my performance for 2 miles - be able to run that entire distance instead of doing intervals, while improving my time. I think that would make me feel happier and also work on my physical body more - lose weight, slim down. I will make this my focus for the next 3 months - along with finishing Phase 3 rehab work, adding in a pool workout, and continuing the weight class. I will not allow myself to get distracted by the training group and their push for distance.

Plan for this week is to test out some Phase 3 classes so I know how to schedule the rest of my month. I meet tomorrow with the head trainer for a working orientation and to get acclimated. Tues has 3 classes to choose from. Weds and Thurs both have open gym hours, along with some classes. Hopefully I will come up with a workable workout schedule that fits in with work and home stuff.

I have quite a few projects at work that I need to finish up this week - and focus on clearing up some personal projects as well. Time to get moving.

Deb
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1/31/18 2:44 P

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6 miles doing intervals yesterday. Made it, without difficulty. It felt great to know I can do the distance. A little worried about an additional 3.3 miles to add to that on Sunday - along with rain and cold...but, I always have the option of switching to the 5K route if I chicken out. Which I hope I don't. However, I am skipping my last day of rehab right now as I am feeling a bit 'off'. Working on financed with mom this morning when I realized I felt (and looked) a bit flushed. We went to eat, and now I am feeling a little bit uneasy. I really hope this is not the beginning of the flu. I will skip coaching class tonight as I don't want to infect anyone else.

My legs were tired and crampy last night. I did some stretching, but obviously not enough.

So - end of the month, again. Time flies! This year has started off in a good place. I have some good exercise habits going. Always room for improvement.

February goals or emphasis:
Stress handling - open the meditation cds and maybe even use them!
Continue my regular exercise habits
Continue my coaching classes
Add in some stretching and icing on a regular basis
WALK THE DOGS DAILY!!!!
Continue my water habits
REDUCE coffee intake
Continue to work on organizing things around house
streamline eating - get into a weekly 'repeat' eating habit
READ and journal at night - get away from TV watching

I'm sure there are some other things that will make it to my list, but this is enough to start with.



Deb
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1/29/18 6:08 P

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Rehab today was intervals on the treadmill to music for 30 mins, followed by that arm ergometer for 10 mins. Then we watched a video on stress management. Need that. However, not alot of info in the video other than "you need to control your stress." I bought those meditation tapes after Christmas. They are still in their packet. emoticon I think I will make this my February focus, Stress reduction and management.

Weds will be my last day in this rehab program. As I was on the treadmill today, I was trying to come up with a standard workout routine I would like to do. When I used to run regularly, I would head out after work for a quick 20 minute run, which back then ended up being roughly 2 miles. This was enough to keep me in shape, but not too long to hurt physically - and more important, not too long to interfere with household obligations, at that time, a young child, making dinner, etc. Most importantly, I could make myself do it. I'm not a 'natural' runner. I eventually liked running because it did de-stress me and it made me feel closer to my friend after she passed away. Where am I going with this? Well, it took me 30 mins today to do 2 miles on the treadmill. I have slowed down, alot. BUT - I will improve. So - if I can MAKE myself do 2 miles when I go to the gym - I can mentally commit to that. Right? Right! I may be jumping ahead of myself here, since I do need to go to orientation at phase 3. This will hopefully be Thurs afternoon.

Tomorrow, I am hoping to meet up with some others and do a long (5-7 miles) interval session. This will be the last long training before the hot chocolate race on Sunday. In my case, it will be the ONLY long training session... emoticon I am looking forward to tomorrow to see what I can do. I hope the appointments I have set in the morning allow for me to make this training session.

Food is getting back on track. I need to reduce coffee, granola, dairy. Immediately. I think these are triggers for me.

I just read over this and was struck by how many times I used the word 'hope'...

Edited by: CHIGGERCANE at: 1/29/2018 (18:09)
Deb
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1/27/18 9:17 P

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very unsettled today. Eating has been a mess the past few days. Calorie-wise, it hasn't been that bad - but I did not eat the way I wanted to eat the past 3 days (including today). And ... I just made the connection between my eating and the way I am feeling - anxious, sad, disappointed, lonely...are my food choices partially to blame for this mental state I am in? I believe there is some effect, but not all.

As Rita said in coaching the other day - "No more quilt. I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness." Hard thing for me. Very hard thing - especially when I think my past actions (unintentional) are partially responsible for so much. Big sigh. It took me a long time to come to the realization that my mother did the best she could when I was a child....I hope my son realizes this sooner than I did.

Deb
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1/25/18 4:13 P

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Rehab today was 20 mins on bike, 15 mins on rower, then stretching. I was able to complete the entire weight class earlier - 45 mins active weight lifting, followed by abs and stretching. Abs were fairly sore from yesterday's workout. I feel tired now. It's a good tired, though. A participant 'graduated' to phase 3. I told him, I'd see him in a week - he said he's taking a week or 2 off. Hope he does come back. This was his 4th round of rehab... emoticon

I managed to gain 2 pounds this past week - and I don't understand how. I did the coaching challenges. I've been getting plenty of water, sleeping good, exercising, and tracking my food. It's been pretty good. ??? Makes me feel very frustrated. I mentioned it to someone at weight class and was told "Muscle weighs more than fat"...ummm,, I haven't been lifting weights for 2 months now - don't think that's it. I will review my tracking to see if there's something lacking (protein maybe?) or something excessive (too many carbs?).

Need to plan out rest of week and next week.

Deb
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1/24/18 3:59 P

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good workout today. 10 mins warmup on the elliptical, then about 45 minutes boot camp style workout using the bosu. Then some tube work for arms and shoulders. Trainer asked me when I wanted to leave - he's ready to turn me over to next phase where there are more options that will be more challenging. I told him I will finish out January. I end up paying for this (at a reduced rate) due to my high deductible - but this way I get the benefit of a personal trainer while getting my deductible paid down. I will ask tomorrow for some info on 'phase 3' so I can go ahead and mentally plan for what to expect. Phase 3 will not be applicable to my deductible, but I've been told it costs 'only $45 per month". We will see.

Had a visit in a dream from my best friend last night. I woke feeling happy to have been with her. emoticon It's funny how real it seemed. I choose to believe she's visiting to motivate me.

Coaching class tonight. Need to get a shower and get ready to go. Rehab again tomorrow.

Edited by: CHIGGERCANE at: 1/24/2018 (16:01)
Deb
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1/22/18 9:56 A

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School is FINALLY back in session. My son had 1 day of school last week. He was bored - I was bored and stressed. I associate with the woman from coaching about feeling guilt when others are not happy - or when I assume they are not happy. I really think that's my biggest stress item - imagining others being unhappy and feeling helpless and frustrated because I can't fix it. Or imaging what my past behavior did to make the situation what I imagine it to be... emoticon

On to reality. 5K Sunday was ok. I mainly walked with a friend. We did some short jogging intervals - but the majority was walking. I was hoping to have a better time...but it's fine. My 2nd 'official' 5K for January, 1 more 5K on my own - and probably a 5K today at rehab, maybe. My left foot is pretty irritated right now - I have stretched some and will stretch again in a bit. Getting insoles has been on my list for a couple weeks now - guess I should bump that up to the top.

Coaching challenges are going well. I have been reducing sugar intake. Still working on reducing night snacking. Big issue for me.

This weeK: Cardiac rehab today, weds and thurs. I MAY join a group tomorrow for intervals. Still debating. Never did the TRX the other day - so I plan on hooking that up and will work it in based on what I do at rehab. Coaching Weds and Thurs. Husband is out of town weds - Friday. College visit Saturday all day. Guess I need to get some stuff done at the house in addition to work.

Deb
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1/18/18 3:28 P

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Another basement elliptical interval session. I pushed myself this time. I feel like I got a decent workout this time. Am considering hooking up the TRX for a quick weight session as I did not go to the weight class (canceled due to snow and ice issues). The yogurt class is still on - so I am defrosting the car now so I can go.

Coaching last night ended up being a conference call. It went well. We have a challenge for the next 7 days: pick 2 of the following to do each day: water min 80 oz; 2 fruit and 4 veggie min; sleep 7-8 hours; exercise 30 mins at least 5 days or get 10K steps. So, I pretty much do all these on a daily basis. The sleep is borderline...but close.I don't really consider these a Challenge, but something to monitor a bit closer this week.

On the call, we went over our homework - a series of goals we set - physical, emotional, dietary, lifestyle, etc. One woman stated that her emotional goal was to realize that she needs to stop feeling guilty for not being able to make everyone happy. emoticon I feel for this woman. She is probably 10 years older than I. She's been taking care of her mom and husband. Her husband has early onset dementia. I cannot imagine her feelings or her life. It's amazing how guilt seeps into our lives. And causes us to act in certain ways.

So anyway - clean eating is my focus this week. Getting my routines in place.

I've started digitizing the negatives from years ago - before CDs of pictures and digital cameras. Fun memories.

Deb
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1/17/18 2:18 P

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Rehab Monday was elliptical intervals, bike intervals, and arm ergometer. My regualr trainer wasn't there, and the fill-in didn't seem to want to do anything other than check BP a couple times. Monday is considered ' do your own thing' day - so I did. I had to do manual intervals because I couldn't figure out the software to get to the hill interval program - and none of the trainers knew how to do it either....We received snow and ice last night, so I did elliptical intervals in the basement. Got a decent workout in - not on par with rehab where the trainer is telling me what to do. Which makes me question why I work harder for others than I work for myself???

It's a slow day today. Nothing business-wise is open. Our big job is closed down today for weather reasons. I can't think of anything that really HAS to be done today - which means there are probably a few things that will create problems later this week. Coaching classes are tonight and tomorrow, but I think they will be canceled. Even if not canceled, I do not think I will be attending. Too many icy roads and hills to get there, even if the main roads are clear. I signed up for a yogurt making class Thursday night - wondering now if that will happen or not? Snow and ice closes us down for days.

Deb
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1/15/18 1:26 P

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Actually the intervals were 6 jogging, 5 walking. Official time was 38:23 on the race results, but with the pictures, it was 38:27 - like I posted earlier - 38:30. emoticon My pf on my left foot has been acting up a bit more than usual. I was planning on treadmill jogging today at rehab - but may, instead, do elliptical intervals and/or bike. The other day, I did some cupping on my thighs - amazing how much better I felt afterwards. My plan is to get into a hot shower after rehab and do some more cupping. Saturday, I soaked in an epsom salt bath for a bit - whatever benefit was mild. I am enjoying the consistent exercise I am doing - it's hard for me to miss when I feel it is medically prescribed - but I am at the point my aches and pains are growing. I have a 5K scheduled for Sunday and then the 15K is on Feb 4. Mentally, I am already considering switching from 15K to 5K. I do not think I could keep up with the other people I know doing the race - and I don't want them to feel responsibility to slow down to accommodate me - and I certainly don't want to be doing this one alone. Both safety and health issues. The run is through downtown area, actually finishing on my college campus (not the best area in the city - 4 street robberies just last week) and if I happen to have a heart issue, I don't want to be at the mercy of strangers who may or may not assist. HMMM - sounds like excuses...I need to give some thought to this. Part of me says - do not be afraid, push through. Part of me says - be brave but not foolish. I will see how the 5K goes on Sunday before I commit one way or other. Who knows - it may not be possible to switch from 15K to 5K?

Started reading Daring Greatly, which was recommended by the coach. Interesting perspective on the narcissism perceived in society today. Gives a reason 'why'. In my opinion, it doesn't make the narcissism any less objectionable or annoying... emoticon ...but it tries to make it more 'sympathetic', I guess is the right word? Pretty sure I won't be any more accepting or sympathetic, but it was an interesting read. In general, I dislike the kindle versions of books. I much prefer the hardbound book - maybe so I can see where I am in the book? I like knowing where I am in reading - nothing worse than turning the last page and being at the end before you gave yourself notice it was almost over. Easier to dog ear interesting pages and/or underline passages? Showing my age here, huh?

Time to head to cardiac rehab. I was feeling pretty good about the 5K Saturday - until I saw the pictures...maybe I should take a picture everyday so I realize what I really do look like...

Deb
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1/13/18 2:13 P

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Yesterday, did a few minutes on elliptical at home. I gave up earlier than I had planned and sat in the massage chair. emoticon Today's 5K went well. It was cold and windy. 21 degrees absolute, with wind chill felt like 9. Did intervals (4 walking periods, 5 jogging periods) to finish at 38:30. Not bad. I made a point to walk on all the hills. I will test my heart on uphills later. Husband completed with me - I am feeling a tad guilty as he has back issues and doesn't need to be jogging. But - we did fine.

Went to a memorial service afterwards for a man from church. He's been around forever. Always very nice to me and my family. When I talked with his daughter (roughly my age) and mentioned how nice he was to me, she answered "Yes - he was nice to other people outside his family." Then his wife told me how angry he was with her and how he would yell at her... emoticon Maybe I misinterpreted what they meant? I hope. I understand that you are often nicer and more patient with others not in your immediate circle...it's a sad fact of life in fact. I need to remember to be most patient and loving to those who mean the most to me.

Feeling good about how my body responded to the 5K today. No problems. My biggest issues are breathing and mentally 'just keep going'.

Deb
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1/11/18 3:36 P

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Workout today was treadmill intervals, followed by lunges, squats, 2 type of crunches and planks. Good workout. My breathing is getting better, but still room for improvement. I should do fine at the 5K Saturday. Glutes and hamstrings are sore right now. Will stretch some tonight.

Small group last night was a tad forced. Hopefully the group will meld together soon. Coaching class today was good. Some new people. Set my goals for the semester. Now to see them through.



Deb
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1/10/18 3:54 P

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Trainer pushed me today at rehab. Elliptical intervals - HARD. It was a good workout. My music was a bit too fast for the intensity, but I managed. Then some rower work and then he had me do some arm work - an arm ergometer, I think. It was a bit challenging. Then, we did some weight work sitting down. I felt good working out.

I am looking forward to the 5K this Saturday. Hope the weather will cooperate.

Coaching class tonight for the small group. Need to make dinner and get ready to go.

Deb
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1/8/18 6:58 P

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Ionic - Figured out how to get elliptical as a set exercise. I verified the heartrate at exercise today. It is not very accurate when I jog. It was about 20 beats low. When I walk or just standing around, it seems to be fairly accurate. I did an interval 5K today at rehab. Intervals by songs. It felt so good! It's been a while since I've managed that. Afterwards, I was doing errand when I saw that a 5K scheduled for Dec had been rescheduled for this Saturday. So, I signed up for it. And I signed up for a 5K later in the month. Feeling good.

AND - just like that - it's been a sugar free day. I lived the meal plan today. It's all come together today. Good day.

Tomorrow, I have a lunch date with mom and sister. I will go to their website in a minute and figure out what I am going to have. And, no matter what, I will not let myself be upset and resort to emotional eating.

My legs are a bit sore. Time to stretch. Good day - thank you!

Deb
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1/5/18 5:41 P

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Elliptical at home today. I thought the Ionic had a 'set' exercise activity for the elliptical. I will do some research later to figure it out. I still have lots to learn on how to use it for my benefit. It is awfully large...and the band has popped off several times as I get out of coats/jackets. The heart rate shown on the ionic matches the heart rate on the elliptical (within a few beats) so that's good to know.

Coach sent out a challenge for the coaching classes about doing a sugar free year...and my first reaction was "why can't she pick something reasonable? Why does she have to go whole hog at once???" I voiced a concern last year about her fitness activity approach that was similar. Where's the gentle nudge to do better than before? And then part of me calls the other half of me bad names for not embracing it all and going whole hog. emoticon I want to reduce my sugar intake, yes...but I know, without a doubt, I won't do the whole year. That doesn't mean I can't commit to a lesser time frame, but it does make me feel as if I am failing before even beginning. She's going to talk about this next week - and push and prod...and it's going to make me resentful. This is HER challenge to herself. My challenge to myself is different. hmmmm

I will spend some time this weekend finalizing what my goals are for the next class and the rest of January. I am feeling some stress about my son...school started. He is still mourning his relationship ending...I worry about him. HOWEVER - i KNOW he will be fine. A great kid A great future.

Edited by: CHIGGERCANE at: 1/5/2018 (17:42)
Deb
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1/4/18 4:41 P

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Today was 25 mins intervals on treadmill, followed by some weight work on the ball. My intervals were music based, and extended to 27 mins. I felt fine jogging, although I feel my breathing is not great. Dr. came over to talk to me while I was jogging which didn't help. I can only hope it will get better. Trainer said I am fine to jog on my own if I like, altho he would like me not to get outside in the cold here. Hopefully it will warm up a bit by next week - and I am hopeful I can join in with some friends for a practice jog soon.

My ionic came this afternoon. I am setting it up as I type. I will check out the accuracy of the heartrate monitor feature on Monday when I go to my class.

I started sneezing and having runny nose towards end of class - same as last week. Something to watch.


Deb
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