Message board topics
Reply Create A New Topic Subscribe to this Discussion
Community Leader community leader photo Community Leader
SLIMMERKIWI is the moderator for this forum.
Author:
MIAMIRN's Photo MIAMIRN Posts: 2,272
7/5/18 12:44 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
This is my first post here.

I think you guys are extremely compassionate and helpful and most everything I've read on this thread sounds totally reasonable.

I am not sure whether this has been brought up or not. I happen to be a retired pediatric RN. Rehabilitation was my specialty. I worked the neurology floor at a children's hospital for several years on the seizure unit. I will tell you one thing. If what the op has said is true and she suffered or is still suffering from multiple seizures daily, the outcome from an illness like this is brain deterioration and eventual brain death. I have been a nurse for patients who have had parts of the brain or even half of one size of their brain removed just to save their lives. Most children who do finally become stabilized on anti-seizure medication and go on to grow up as adults have some or many mental and or physical deficits. They can appear to be somewhat rational and normal, but they are not quite or far from it. If this is the case with the op. my heart goes out to her. She could likely have a memory deficit. It might be short term, intermediate or long term. So believing she has never read post you have written, may not be the case. She may not remember what she read or it never got stored into long term memory. This is a complicated subject. Speech and language therapist spend half their career refining their communication skills in order to help patients like these.

My point is, keep an open mind. Maybe the op needs to hear what you have to say again and again, repeatedly. Maybe she remembers some of it or none of it. Maybe she gets it for the moment, but not later on. Sometimes all you can do to help a patient with deficits like this is to show compassion and ask pertinent questions to find out if she is aware of her impact on her family or herself for that matter. The brain is an amazing and extremely intricate and complicated organ. There is no organ that comes close to the complexity of the brain. Just when you think you understand what's going on with a patient you learn something new about them.

What I would do is not right her off, but just show you care. Giving advise like a broken record is maybe what she is thriving off of. The best you can do is ask her how she's doing, how is she feeling and have her explain to you what you have just told her. Sometimes patients need notebooks with tabs to help them remember what they have forgotten. Patients with short term memory deficits never, ever are able to store information in their long term memories. Their lives seem a bit hazy and disjointed. They need supervision constantly so they can remember important things about self care. They may know how to travel on the bus, but not be able to remember how to shower. Everything we take for granted is not available for the brain injured. If you are interested you can up neurological deficits of memory, short term, long term and intermediate. They all serve a purpose.

I hope you understand all I am trying to do is shed a little light on a very complicated and not so well known subject. It is extremely interesting topic. I have studied it since I was a teen, way before I became a nurse.

I hope I have given you some food for thought. Who knows, maybe the op has a personality disorder and not has not brain deficit at all. If nothing else, I agree, all your advise is very good advise and someone out there may very well benefit by it.

Thanks very much for reading my post.

emoticon emoticon

My name is Elona and I am a FIRECRACKER! (5% Fall Challenge)
I am in Miami, Florida EST (alternatively, I live in Calamba, Philippines, GMT+8)
Love life! Never, never give up! Never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never give in nothing, great or small, large or petty. Never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense.- Winston Churchill When you have a lemon, make lemonade!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=70180


 current weight: 25.5 
186
145.875
105.75
65.625
25.5
PMORENA Posts: 56,479
7/2/18 10:43 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
What an interesting conversation - I just read the thread and find that those of you who have replied are empathetic and very positive in your approach that we need to control our lives rather than relying on others to give us what we think we need-- or deserve. You are all to be congratulated on your role as supportive SparkPeople

LOVEXAVIE SparkPoints: (43,495)
Fitness Minutes: (48,401)
Posts: 2,468
7/1/18 7:09 P

Send Private Message
Reply
EOWYN,

Do you like quotes? I do! There's a reason why some sayings end up being revered quotes.

One of my faves (I have it taped to my desk):

"Most of your problems are man made, and most often, you're the man who made them."

Oh, is that ever true for me!!

All the best to you.

LININPARADISE7's Photo LININPARADISE7 Posts: 1,021
6/21/18 8:00 A

Send Private Message
Reply
Move out.

Live, Laugh, Love!!


 current weight: 136.0 
150
145.5
141
136.5
132
SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (275,374)
Fitness Minutes: (42,608)
Posts: 28,518
6/13/18 1:25 A



My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Elaine - I just saw this on FB and it reminded me of your situation:


Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=953


Team Leader Essential Tremors :-) (Benign and Familial) www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=30225


Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=17464


I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


 current weight: 154.0 
211
196.75
182.5
168.25
154
CATS_MEOW_0911's Photo CATS_MEOW_0911 Posts: 2,577
6/12/18 12:34 P

Reply
Good for you, ARCH, you have put a lot of time and energy into EOWYN. KELLY, I agree, EOWYN is not a bad person and I have seen over the years that she deals with some serious health problems, but people on here need not put any more time and energy into her panicked posts when she neither seems to read them nor heeds the advice and encouragement (and just seems ungrateful for all the help offered to her).

Edited by: CATS_MEOW_0911 at: 6/12/2018 (12:35)

 Pounds lost: 15.2 
0
20.5
41
61.5
82
KELLY_R's Photo KELLY_R Posts: 3,111
6/12/18 9:42 A

Reply
No need to thank me, Arch. What you do here is really helpful to many people. As you've seen, too, most actually take your advice to heart. But there's always going to be some people out there who see that compassion and will take advantage of it.

It is staggering to see how long her complaints have been going on.

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Truly some insanity going on there, and she sucked a lot of people in.

I'm not saying Elaine's a bad person. She's just hurting and doesn't know yet how to take personal responsibility. Her current behavior is like that of an alcoholic, and I can tell you by experience they suck everyone into their drama. Letting go and getting out of their way is ultimately what's most helpful, and most importantly it brings a measure of peace back into your own life.

ARCHIMEDESII's Photo ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (208,228)
Fitness Minutes: (313,573)
Posts: 27,869
6/12/18 8:56 A



My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Thank you for your post, KELLY. The past couple of days have been eye opening for me. When she asked,"Is snacking bad ?" I looked back over her old posts, it confirmed what you have said. She hasn't been reading our replies.

So, what's in it for me ? why do I keep replying ? Since I can't seem to help EOWYN, maybe my replies to her can help another member who is reading them.

What am I going to do ? As the monitor of this forum, I will not ignore a post from any member. However, EOWYN will have to understand that if she asks a question, I will direct her to one of her old threads. I will no longer take the time and energy to write a reply if she's not reading it.

EOWYN is not ready to lose weight. She's not ready to change. She wants to be the victim. So if she'd like to vent, not a problem. If she needs a cyber hug because she had a bad day. I will offer a cyber hug. What I will no longer do is answer her questions. Is snacking bad ? how do I get rid of belly fat ? If she doesn't know the answer after being a member for 12+ years, I can't help her.


Edited by: ARCHIMEDESII at: 6/12/2018 (09:01)
MLAN613 Posts: 20,459
6/12/18 6:40 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I am beginning to think Cece and Kelly are right. I agree that that pulling back from helping and encouraging Elaine is needed. I have been thinking that she is an attention seeker for awhile.

So, I am sorry, Elaine, but I can't help you any longer. Best of luck in your healthy living journey. I pray you find peace and help.

Edited by: MLAN613 at: 6/12/2018 (06:46)
Meghan in Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA


 December Minutes: 1,358
0
39.25
78.5
117.75
157
CECEBERN Posts: 4
6/11/18 8:41 P

Send Private Message
Reply
ARCHIMEDESII you have gone way way way above and beyond with EOWYN. She is either faking or just plain refuses to take any accountability for her behavior. I don't think people should respond to EOWYN anymore, from what I can tell this has been going on for years.

CHICAGOHOPE's Photo CHICAGOHOPE SparkPoints: (25,500)
Fitness Minutes: (65,021)
Posts: 787
6/11/18 12:55 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Thanks Kelly, being the eternal optimist I always believe there can be change.

But going forward, I'M OUT, no more enabling, no more audience from me.

Thank you again!



 Pounds lost: 10.0 
0
2.5
5
7.5
10
KELLY_R's Photo KELLY_R Posts: 3,111
6/11/18 12:11 P

Reply
It's up to you, Arch

All I do know is that I'm powerless over others. No amount of scolding, negotiating, reasoning, etc. will get someone to change. The desire to do so has to come from within themselves - often that means they've come to a point where they've finally experienced enough pain that they are desperate and want change and are willing to do what it takes to make that change happen.

It's especially deceiving when such people tell you they're asking for your help, but they're really not willing to do anything about their situation. I think really all she wants is an audience, perhaps just to vent. Just know that when she's asking a question, most likely it's just rhetorical.

She's been given all the answers she needs. She's said herself how easy it is to use the search feature. It's not all up to you personally to supply her with answers.

I truly do hope she checks out a CoDA meeting someday. I bet it would help her tremendously. But you know the saying - you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.

ARCHIMEDESII's Photo ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (208,228)
Fitness Minutes: (313,573)
Posts: 27,869
6/11/18 11:42 A



My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Kelly,

You've struck a chord with me.

I have always hoped that my replies encourage EOWYN to make better choices.
However, privately I've been told I enable her behavior. And like others, I've noticed that no matter what I say, she hasn't changed or doesn't want to change.

The point of the forums has always been to help a member in need, but what do you do when that member doesn't want to help themselves ?

Do I need to take a step back or out ?



Edited by: ARCHIMEDESII at: 6/11/2018 (11:44)
KELLY_R's Photo KELLY_R Posts: 3,111
6/11/18 10:23 A

Reply
The thing is... she's likely not reading ANY of this.

Elaine is really married to her life story of being a victim. I don't see that changing any time soon for her, and really people across the world shaking their fingers at her, trying to say "the right thing" isn't going to get through to her.

She has to hit an emotional bottom before she's willing to change, and none of us can facilitate that happening.

The best thing to do with people like this is to stop enabling their behavior.

Once again, she's been asking everyone to dance the pity-dance with her (even if she gets scolded - she's at least getting the attention she wants.) Stop dancing with her. That is, unless you enjoy the dance, too. But if you want to help her, you'll step out of her way.

CHICAGOHOPE's Photo CHICAGOHOPE SparkPoints: (25,500)
Fitness Minutes: (65,021)
Posts: 787
6/9/18 5:54 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Thank you!



 Pounds lost: 10.0 
0
2.5
5
7.5
10
ARCHIMEDESII's Photo ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (208,228)
Fitness Minutes: (313,573)
Posts: 27,869
6/9/18 3:33 P



My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
CHICAGO,

I came across that article in my reading travels. Here's a link for other members who might like to read it.

www.huffingtonpost.com/cylon-george/10-way
s-to-stop-feeling-l_b_8193216.html


I would add the following list of ways EOWYN could change from being a victim to a victor.

tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-stop-being-a-vi
ctim-and-start-creating-your-life/


Steps to take to begin taking responsibility for our life:

Make the conscious decision that it’s up to you.

Pick one thing and decide you’re going to respond differently—for example, when you’re stuck in traffic, decide you’re going to have a different response. Instead of getting all worked up, take some deep breaths and relax back into your seat with some good music on.

Put a visual Stop sign up in your mind when you feel yourself becoming defensive and ready to blame.

Apologize for something sincerely without attaching any “and” or “but” to it. “I’m sorry I raised my voice, but I couldn’t help it.” The “but” disqualifies the apology. Take responsibility for the reaction of yelling.

Take an action step, however small or inconsequential it may seem, toward something you want to attain.

Empower yourself with “I can” and “I will” statements. “I can lose weight", "I will monitor my fluid intake".

Adopt the attitude, “change begins with me.”



Edited by: ARCHIMEDESII at: 6/9/2018 (15:39)
CHICAGOHOPE's Photo CHICAGOHOPE SparkPoints: (25,500)
Fitness Minutes: (65,021)
Posts: 787
6/9/18 2:48 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I this the other day, and it reminded me of you and all your posts about being a victim. You CAN change if you want to.

Hopefully some of these will ring true to you and worth self - reflection bring some much needed change to your life.

"Blaming others may provide temporary relief from our pain, but in the long run, it will lead to feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness. (ie victim)

Here is a quick tip to help you counteract the tendency to blame others. Looking at yourself in the mirror, ask yourself (regardless of how you feel):

"What is my role in this situation?"

In most cases, you’ll see that you have the power to choose your response. Will you let go or hold a grudge? Will you be hopeful or helpless?

1. Stop blaming otbers
2. Be compassionate to yourself
3. Practice gratitude
4. Resist self-sabotage
5. Perform acts of kindness to others
6. Forgive and let go
7. Build self-confidence
8. Find the source of your learned helplessness
9. Shift your mentality from that of victim to survivor
10. Challenge your perceptions of reality"

Are these somethings you can do to change from a victim to victor?

Please give it some thought,  you really have to change your response to others.





 Pounds lost: 10.0 
0
2.5
5
7.5
10
CHESAPEAKE60's Photo CHESAPEAKE60 SparkPoints: (7,826)
Fitness Minutes: (12,922)
Posts: 452
6/9/18 1:16 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Am I missing something here? Since when did nachos or chips fall into a dialysis regimen?!?! It is hard enough to keep fluids in balance with the naturally occurring sodium in our diets. But to select a highly salty food as a snack is beyond my comprehension......



 current weight: 124.0 
180
166
152
138
124
MLAN613 Posts: 20,459
6/9/18 7:11 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Elaine, you said earlier, "Surely I deserve more respect than he is giving me, which is none at all!" Honestly, a person doesn't just automatically "deserve respect". You certainly didn't respect him by suddenly appearing at his work; respect is a two way street.

You earn it through actions. I encourage you to take some of the suggestions here, take a step back, and see what you can learn from this situation. Maybe then, you can improve your relationship with your parents.

Edited by: MLAN613 at: 6/9/2018 (07:15)
Meghan in Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA


 December Minutes: 1,358
0
39.25
78.5
117.75
157
CHICAGOHOPE's Photo CHICAGOHOPE SparkPoints: (25,500)
Fitness Minutes: (65,021)
Posts: 787
6/8/18 7:04 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Just a reminder... you've been down this road before.

Just as it was previously said,  life is not fair.  

How about another perspective?  Your parents are more than gracious you pay for your medical expenses.  Expenses that you do not respect, because of you did you would be more attentive to your eating habits. They put a roof over your head,  they provide food for you,  they drive you to dialysis  (at the crazy early hour), they pay for utilities (water, electrical,etc).  What do you think those cost? 

How would you exist without their support,  have you thought of that?  Sometimes the constant burden of taking care,  reminding,  scolding an adult (you) gets old and frustrating,  maybe your parents are just down right frustrated with you and your lack of understanding or graciousness that they do and provide for you. 

Really,  you think you are being treated unfair or need/want respect?  If your attitude with the family is like the one that comes across in your posts,  it can explain a lot.  You feel entitled to your response yet are offended,  hurt when they have their response.

You ask why they treat you like they do,  I ask you to reevaluate the situation and ask yourself "why do you think this is happening to you, what was your role in the situation"? 

Please take an HONEST self look at how you could handle this situation better.   Why do you think they responded the way they did?

You can not change people,  but you can change how YOU respond.   But to change your response,  you need to step back,  look at the situation and LEARN from it.

What do you see?  Hopefully you will answer as writing sometimes helps with clarity.




 Pounds lost: 10.0 
0
2.5
5
7.5
10
LUANN_IN_PA Posts: 28,199
6/8/18 2:06 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Fair? Who promised you fair?
Life is not - and never was - about fairness.

You cannot change your parents.

You cannot change your brother.

The only one you can change is yourself, and your reactions to those around you.

You are in a constant state of negativity. Have you tried to be positive for even one day? To be grateful for everything you DO have, instead of complaining about how everyone wrongs you?
Every time you post, you come across as whiny and ungrateful, like everyone owes you something.
Try some compassion, some empathy, some gratitude, some humility. That would be very beneficial.

"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."
~ Randy Pausch

"There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permit. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results."
~ Art Turock

"We have a saying in Tibet: If a problem can be solved, there is no use worrying about it. If it can't be solved, worrying will do no good."
~ 7 Years in T
EOWYN24241's Photo EOWYN24241 Posts: 1,414
6/8/18 8:57 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
My brother may be the first born son, but I am the first born child!

Surely I deserve more respect than he is giving me, which is none at all!

And why must I be treated as if I'm inferior to him just because I am female! It isn't fair! Sometimes I feel that my parents treat me like a punching bag, taking out their anger and frustration on me! I really don't deserve to be treated like this!

Used to be Eowyn2424


 current weight: 137.0 
137
129
121
113
105
EOWYN24241's Photo EOWYN24241 Posts: 1,414
6/8/18 8:53 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Sigh! My parents are intent on finding fault with me! My Mom just opened a new bottle of potato chips. By the time I came back from work yesterday, they were 3 quarters gone. I had only a few pieces but my Mom is accusing me of finishing her chips. But honestly, it wasn't me! They were already nearly finished by the time I got home!

Used to be Eowyn2424


 current weight: 137.0 
137
129
121
113
105
ARCHIMEDESII's Photo ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (208,228)
Fitness Minutes: (313,573)
Posts: 27,869
6/8/18 6:55 A



My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
KIWI does bring up a very good point.

There are companies that do have strict rules when it comes to receiving personal visitors while working.

My thought is that your brother was worried you could cause a scene while at work. Of course, this was not your intention. But you caught him off guard. If you had called him and said you were going to drop by to give him a snack, he might not have been so angry.

I still stand by the statement that because you have a strained relationship with your brother, that you should stay away from him.

SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (275,374)
Fitness Minutes: (42,608)
Posts: 28,518
6/7/18 8:53 P



My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Whether this scenario is the reality I don't know, but some places of employment do not like ANY personal visitors to their employees while at work. If this is the case, maybe he was afraid of getting reprimanded which is why his response to you at the store. Maybe he DID get reprimanded, hence his response to you at home.

Just a thought!

Kris



Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=953


Team Leader Essential Tremors :-) (Benign and Familial) www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=30225


Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=17464


I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


 current weight: 154.0 
211
196.75
182.5
168.25
154
ARCHIMEDESII's Photo ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (208,228)
Fitness Minutes: (313,573)
Posts: 27,869
6/7/18 7:44 P



My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
EOWYN,

I know there may be times when some of our advice seems a little harsh, but here's a quote that will help explain why we say things to you that we do.



MUMWIVBIGBUM's Photo MUMWIVBIGBUM SparkPoints: (19,633)
Fitness Minutes: (5,658)
Posts: 413
6/7/18 10:12 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I get this I fight with my family for different reasons, my sister was ashamed of me because of my epilepsy and at one point told her friends I was nothing to do with her just a visitor, my dad told his mates I was dead. my mum defended my sister saying its hard for her and you have to understand her point of view. my mum allowed all her friends round and I was not allowed in the front room with them I had to stay in the bedroom every day and if the took up both rooms I had to sit in the hall. I was not allowed friends round and not allowed out as I had 40 seizures a day. firstly remember this isn't you this is his insecurities. It is thoughtless but you cant change people you can only change your opinion oif yourself. surround yourself with people who like you for you and move on, nothing will change him but him.



 Pounds lost: 170.0 
0
79.75
159.5
239.25
319
MLAN613 Posts: 20,459
6/7/18 8:57 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Arch has some very thoughtful words. I agree.

I would also like to mention what I thought. You may have caught your brother at a critical time in his work. It may be similar to when your mom asked you to immediately help with your uncle's prescription. It was thoughtful for you to bring the nachos to your brother but interrupting people at work isn't always a good surprise.

Meghan in Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA


 December Minutes: 1,358
0
39.25
78.5
117.75
157
ARCHIMEDESII's Photo ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (208,228)
Fitness Minutes: (313,573)
Posts: 27,869
6/7/18 8:53 A



My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
EOWYN,

It was very thoughtful of you to bring your brother some nachos.

I know your relationship with your brother is very strained. In past, I have suggested you stay away from him. He may have thought you were coming to his job to cause trouble for him. Obviously, we know that was not the case. You just wanted to drop off a snack.

Your brother has his own issues and some days, he takes his anger out on you. This is totally wrong. However, your parents support him over you because he is their first born son. He will always be favored over you just because you live in Malaysia and not the US or Europe.

You also mentioned your brother had lost his other retail job because the store closed. Does your brother give your parents money for rent ? If your brother
helps to pay the family bills, that's why they are worried he could lose his job if
you visit him. You do have a history of fighting with your brother. If your family needs the money, he can't lose this job. That's why they were angry at you.

What to do ? First, give yourself some credit for taking a long walk today. a person never wastes their time taking a walk. Second, take some long deep breathes. This day will pass. Don't dwell on it anymore.

Third, you need to stay away from your brother. He doesn't want you near him, so it's best to stay away.

You can't change people. You can only change how you react to them.


Edited by: ARCHIMEDESII at: 6/7/2018 (09:00)
EOWYN24241's Photo EOWYN24241 Posts: 1,414
6/7/18 7:40 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I went to see Jurassic World yesterday afternoon after dialysis. I decided to try the nachos. I also got a diet Pepsi. The nachos were yummy but a bit on the salty side. So, I saved some for my brother.

I walked all the way to the retail shop where my brother works, he refused to take it, telling me to take it home. I had to walk all the way back to the other section so I can walk to the bus stop to take a bus home. I even had to stop by another shop to get a carrier bag so I can carry the nachos easily.

When my brother got home, he threw a tantrum, basically saying that he is ashamed of admitting to his colleagues that I was his sister. My parents then started yelling at me for risking his job by visiting him. What?! I was trying to be nice! And am I someone to be ashamed of? For what reason?!

My brother even said to throw the nachos away! How mean!

I really don't understand my family! Why do they hate me so much?! When I didn't even do anything wrong!

Used to be Eowyn2424


 current weight: 137.0 
137
129
121
113
105
Page: 1 of (1)  

Report Inappropriate Post

Other Panic! Button for Immediate Help Topics:

Topics:
Last Post:
1/16/2018 7:03:03 AM
5/23/2018 1:56:02 PM
8/28/2018 2:24:45 PM

Thread URL: https://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/messageboard.asp?imboard=32&imparent=45709288

Review our Community Guidelines