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MARIA11X's Photo MARIA11X Posts: 551
12/26/17 11:12 P

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Another thing I just thought of. See if your college for offers counseling services for you, even if it is by phone. My college offers free counseling services by phone for students, and I think if you want to go in person it is either low-cost or covered by the student health services fee included in the tuition. It will be well worth it. It sounds like you need a lot of support and guidance as you transition from living with your parents to being on your own with your fiancé.

I recognize that there is still a lot of stigma surrounding mental health; but just as a person will go to the doctor for a physical problem, so should a person go for emotional and spiritual health check-ups as well.

Best,
Maria



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MARIA11X's Photo MARIA11X Posts: 551
12/26/17 10:27 P

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Hi DAGNY99,

If your mother refuses to see a therapist or psychologist, I would encourage you to go to one yourself. It may help you to set the boundaries with your mother that you so desperately need to do. I am sure your fiancé is more than patient, but your mother's neediness and guilt-tripping will end up affecting your relationship with him if you allow your mother to continue to push the envelope.

You must set the boundaries. We teach people how to treat us. If you are only able to manage seeing your mother 2 days a week, then stuck to 2 and do not allow it to become 3. Emergencies of course are an exception.

Imagine if you had an unruly child who screams every time you bring the child to the store, and you buy the child a toy just for the screaming to stop. In the short term, it works, but what it actually does is reward the child for unruly behavior. Each time you give in to your mother's beck and call, you are reinforcing to her exactly what she wants, which is more and more of your time and attention.

My Mom suddenly passed away in 2009. I was with her in those moments before she passed away. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't think about her and miss her. Do I question whether or not I should have spent more time with her? Of course. I had moved out of state and was away from my parents for almost 6 years. Luckily, I had moved back home and stayed with my parents for about a year before she passed. I have to be satisfied with that and remind myself that I was there for her when in mattered. There's nothing I can do about the almost 6 years that I lived 2,000 miles away from them.

For almost 2 years after my mother's death, I went through a similar situation as James did, with my Dad completely relying on me for everything, since my Mom did everything for him. I didn't have a life. I almost never went to see friends or do anything I wanted to do. If I did see friends, I stayed close to home in case my Dad needed me. Well, over the next 2 years after that, my Dad had met a new woman, who is now his wife. Less than four years after my Mom passed away, my Dad and his now-wife moved out of state. I could say that I felt abandoned and unappreciated as in a sense, he left me and moved away, but I don't feel that way. He loves where he lives now and has made new friends (he's almost 75 years old).

We as adults need to live our lives in a genuine and authentic way. If you are not being true to yourself, you will end up feeling resentful and disappointed. You will not be able to truly be there for your Mom because you will resent the pressure she is putting on you. Each of us is responsible for our own happiness. Not even your fiancé is responsible for your happiness. It starts with you, setting boundaries and limits, and assertively telling those we love what we are able to do for them, how much, and for how long. Otherwise, the people in our lives will step over us at every opportunity, because they won't know what the limits are.

Live your life for you. I don't mean this in a selfish way. You are going to be in a relationship with yourself longer than you will with anyone else. Make it the best relationship you have.

Best wishes,

Maria



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LADYDOC1's Photo LADYDOC1 Posts: 137
12/23/17 1:03 P

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I have to say I agree with others on this post. Your mother has some serious mental health issues. You recognize this I think, but you have been conditioned to feel guilty and want to fix things. Your father is someone with whom you should talk. He may act the way he does to preserve his sanity and still stay in a relationship that meets some of his needs though not all. An honest discussion with him about how difficult you are finding your mother might help. Do your father and sister tell you it is up to you to save the family? I doubt it. Your mother returning the Xmas presents is a red flag for just how troubled she is. I think the scope of her difficulties is beyond your ability to help. I'm not sure why you feel your life and happiness are not as important as your mother's happiness, though I sense you feel overwhelmed and bewildered. It is very hard to step out of family dynamics and look critically at a situation. You are not alone. A lot of folks feel panicked when family members are becoming more progressively mentally ill. The problem is that trying to rescue her will not be beneficial to your mental health, nor to hers in the long run. I highly recommend you visit www.NAMI.org for suggestions and resources.



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WHOLENEWME79's Photo WHOLENEWME79 Posts: 951
12/21/17 2:51 P

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You are not responsible for your mother or her happiness. This "needy" nature of hers is selfish. Your father is apparently able and willing to help her but she refuses, because she demands you. She doesn't care about you, your life, or your responsibilities. Each post of yours is filled with signs that your mother has mental illness and that she has serious control issues.

Your mom needs mental health help, but so do you. It's okay to say no. You are not her ONLY option. If she refuses help or to go places or do things unless you go, it's her problem, not yours.

There are no elevators in the house of success.
H. H. Vreeland

You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it- Margaret Thatcher


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12/19/17 1:54 P

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This book called Boundaries may be helpful to you.

www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded
-When-Control-ebook/dp/B06XFKNB2Y/ref=
sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1513709592&sr=8-2&k
eywords=boundaries+by+cloud+and+townsend


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Everything in moderation.


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WHITE-2's Photo WHITE-2 Posts: 388
12/18/17 5:36 A

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I am sorry you don't have the money to see a professional. Please realize that something is VERY wrong with your mother.Even though she may act like something is wrong with YOU and with the other people in her life, that is probably part of the problem: SHE is the one who cannot handle life, not you. She is at fault, not you. See yourself as the sane one.
She may have narcissistic or borderline personality disorder. You could try reading up on internet about these disorders and seek help ( i mean per phone or email so it won't cost you too much) and/or insights into how to handle people with these disorders, and how to protect yourself. People with this kind of issues can be like parasites. They can't really help that but YOU must try to stay out of their reach and learn to disengage because if you try to help them or cater to their needs you will give up your own self and not have the energy left to build a reasonable life for yourself.
By all means, focus on your own life and on what brings you joy and create distance between you and your mother. You are totally entitled to set boundaries and determine what you will and will not do for your mother. Personally I think you may need to really limit contact. Cut her off if you must, maybe for 1 year or so, so you can work on building your own strength and learn to defend your own interests and needs.
You deserve a good life.


Edited by: WHITE-2 at: 12/18/2017 (05:40)

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12/17/17 6:06 P



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It really sounds like your Mum might have some serious psychiatric problems other than being 'needy'.

My heart goes to you and to your family.

Hugs,
Kris xxxx

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12/17/17 2:22 P



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"She has a lot on her plate but she still is there for my mom. Well my mom just returned all the Christmas presents she bought for them from Wal-Mart. She won't give them anything this year because my sister couldn't visit her that day."

Okay, now this is just sad. Your mother is returning the gifts she bought for her own daughter and granddaughters because she was upset your sister didn't come running to her ? I think it's sad that she is taking her frustrations out on her own grandchildren. Your mother doesn't see this behavior as a problem ? If she doesn't see this as petty and vindictive, then there is a serious problem she isn't addressing or doesn't want to address.

That's why we're all suggesting you set some boundaries. If you don't, she's going to guilt trip you into being with her any time she calls. And if you aren't there when she wants you, your gifts will be going back to Walmart too.

You have to understand, it's okay to say no to your mother and that doesn't make you a bad daughter. If she wants to take her frustrations out on your sister, that's one thing. but she shouldn't penalize her grand daughters. That behavior will just alienate them from her. Imagine what happens when your sister brings them over to visit for Christmas. Sorry, no presents. How is your mother going to explain that to them ? It means your sister wont bring them over. It means your mother will miss out seeing her grandchildren all because their mother didn't come running to her when she wanted.

She doesn't seem to want to understand that her demands for constant companionship are alienating her loved ones.

Edited by: ARCHIMEDESII at: 12/17/2017 (14:48)
-JAMES-'s Photo -JAMES- Posts: 12,018
12/17/17 8:50 A

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WHITE-2
made me think of something I was already thinking in the back of my mind. ...

That the roles are reversed. You become the parent, and her the child, and you need to take care of her. Have a look at "Eric Berne" a phycologist from the 1960's who came up with the idea of "Transacational Analysis", which is that exchanges between people can happen between three levels:
- Parent
- Adult
- Child

Sometimes the transactions are Adult to Adult, sometimes Adult to Child, etc., and these roles don't necessarily depend on age.

Here is a link to have a look at:
www.ericberne.com/transactional-analysis/

I just want to open your mind up to thinking along these directions, maybe something will clear up for you.

Here is an example of a game. "Why don't you ... yes, but"

White: “My husband always insists on doing our own repairs, and he never builds anything right.”

Black: “Why doesn’t he take a course in carpentry?”

White: “Yes, but he doesn’t have time.”

Blue: “Why don’t you buy him some good tools?”

White: “Yes, but he doesn’t know how to use them.”

Red: “Why don’t you have your building done by a carpenter?

White: “Yes, but that would cost too much.”

Brown” “Why don’t you just accept what he does the way he does it?”

White: “Yes, but the whole thing might fall down.”

There are many different patterns in his book. Simple patterns that you will understand, its not a psychology textbook in that sense.


James


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DAGNY99's Photo DAGNY99 Posts: 1,302
12/17/17 8:36 A

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I've also found a senior center I suggested but she doesn't drive I'd have to drive her there she won't go with my dad
I figured maybe she's find friends there. We haven't gone yet it's for ppl 65 and older so I'd have to go somewhere else then
She won't see a psychologist she says the only thing wrong is she misses me there's nothing wrong with her i don't have much health care i go to the Dr when i was sick and charged me 200...then there's gas and i work only part time. I can't go to a psychologist


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DAGNY99's Photo DAGNY99 Posts: 1,302
12/17/17 8:32 A

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ARCHIMEDESII
Yes I have an older sister but she has a sick husband she takes to dialysis and therapy several times a week. She also has 2 teen girls. Last Saturday mom asked her to visit and my sister said she couldn't. She has a lot on her plate but she still is there for my mom. Well my mom just returned all the Christmas presents she bought for them from Wal-Mart. She won't give them anything this year because my sister couldn't visit her that day.
My mom also has several brothers and sisters including 2 sister's that she is close to and talks to on the phone. I end up hearing about how "lazy" her one sister is.
When my sister's daughters talk to her on the phone they are just teens and joke around. She doesn't get their jokes and says they are rude.
Then she has my dad that lives with her and I think he retreats to his room to avoid fights

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WHITE-2's Photo WHITE-2 Posts: 388
12/17/17 7:03 A

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Reading your post made me angry at your mother. She is turning you into her parent and taking the role of a helpless child herself.
I think that it's high time you begin to set boundaries with her. I would suggest seeing a therapist or counselor to help you learn how to do that as in the beginning, it will be tough and your mother will resist.

It is not normal for a grown daughter to take care of a parent in the way you have been doing. Even more so if your father is there.
If she is unhappy about the way your father acts she should tell HIM not you and work it out with him (or get a divorce, or whatever).
We cannot solve the problems of other people. Yes, she took care of you when you were little but that is what parents are supposed to do. They are supposed to help you grow up and become independent - but she did not teach you nor allow you to become independent of her because she is, in an unhealhty way, depending on YOU.
So don't feel obliged to take care of her except for things that you would also do for a good friend. I truly think you might benefit greatly if you get professional help for yourself to be able to handle this situation and separate yourself and your needs from your mother and her needs.

You have made several suggestions for other places where your mother can get help. Of course she's not interested! It's easier for her to get you to provide help. But now that you have made these suggestions I feel you need to keep pointing her to those institutions. And to in a friendly but determined way refuse to cater to her needs. She needs to learn to solve her own problems.

Re: not knowing how to respond: A book that helped me very much is the classic 'When I say no I feel guilty' by Manuel J. Smith.
It taught me the broken record method: if someone keeps asking me for something I don't want to do I keep repeating: 'I understand that you want me to do this for you but I don't feel like it.' You might mention the reason why you don't want to fulfill their wish once, but after that just keep saying the same thing. Until they give up.

Remember: You have the right to have a life of your own and to enjoy it!


Edited by: WHITE-2 at: 12/17/2017 (07:10)

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12/16/17 8:58 P



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..... and to follow on from LUANN_IN_PA, get that book I mentioned in a previous post and LEARN how to set AND STICK to those boundaries. You are actually enabling your mother. You can buy the book cheap from Amazon or borrow it from most libraries.

Kris

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LUANN_IN_PA Posts: 27,696
12/16/17 8:29 P

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"So yesterday my BF and I were on a date and she knew this but called me crying that dad doesn't pay attention to her....my BF heard it cause it was on speaker"
And you could have said:
"Yes, mom, you have said this before. I am on a date and I will call you tomorrow."
Then you hang up and enjoy your date.

Either that or don't take the call when you are otherwise occupied.

YOU have to set boundaries.

"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."
~ Randy Pausch

"There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permit. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results."
~ Art Turock

"We have a saying in Tibet: If a problem can be solved, there is no use worrying about it. If it can't be solved, worrying will do no good."
~ 7 Years in T
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12/16/17 4:27 P



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You're mom is trying to make you feel guilty. She's jealous that you're spending time with your friend instead of her. You shouldn't feel guilty because you're not with your mother 24/7. You're entitled to have a life too.

It's going to be tough juggling the two, but if you want to keep your sanity, you need some of your own "me" time. You need to set some boundaries. Do you have any siblings or aunts/relatives who can also visit your mother ? You should not be the only caregiver. If you have other relatives who can help, that will help you so that you don't feel over burdened.

Have you looked into eldercare facilities in your area ? Don't worry, I'm not going to suggest putting your mother in a home. What I am going to suggest is get her involved in some of the activities these places offer. It seems to me she may be bored at home if she doesn't work. She needs something to keep her busy so that she isn't constantly calling you to keep her company.

The activities at elder care facilities could be music lessons, lectures, movies, animal visits, etc... it might be something she would enjoy and you'd have more time to live your life.




DAGNY99's Photo DAGNY99 Posts: 1,302
12/16/17 3:24 P

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When you don't spend time with her she gets lonely but how can I get her to leave me have personal time?
So yesterday my BF and I were on a date and she knew this but called me crying that dad doesn't pay attention to her....my BF heard it cause it was on speaker
Now I'm off today wanting to spend lazy day with my BF but she called me and I don't know how to turn her down...

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-JAMES-'s Photo -JAMES- Posts: 12,018
12/15/17 10:35 P

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Kris,
well it is really your conscience, and your feelings, but two full days a week is a lot.

If it was 3 full days a week, that would be almost half your life. I'm thinking that you need your own life too, that is why parents have children in the first place. At first they need a lot of care, and as they get older less and less.

Yes it is nice for older children to take care of aging parents, but it shouldn't be at the expense of their own lives being put on hold.

My 2 cents.

James


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DAGNY99's Photo DAGNY99 Posts: 1,302
12/14/17 8:42 A

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Kris
It was Her family Dr that agreed that a psychologist would be beneficial but unless my mom wants to go to one she won't. She sees it as a stigma and thinks dad wouldn't like her going. Even tho I said I'd take her
Yes she is getting ready to get a cpap machine she doesn't have it yet but it's ordered
James thank yes it's fear that if she dies suddenly I'll wish I had spent more time but I already spend a lot of time usually 2 full days at least a week with her

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-JAMES-'s Photo -JAMES- Posts: 12,018
12/13/17 8:42 P

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DAGNY99,
my mother died in 2012 about 6 months after being diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. So though not like a car accident it was pretty rapid.

My father had always relied on her to cook and clean and do all the planning, planning vacations, which bank to have an account at, grocery shopping. He had the yard work, fixing things, and light housework.

But after she was gone he was like a rudderless ship, he wanted me there all the time, to bring him food, to go shopping for him. Although in is 80s he still had his driver's license and there was no reason at all that he couldn't go shopping.

I too lived about 30 minutes from his place, in the same city. I used to live 20 minutes away, but I moved, in fact I moved after my mom died, not related to that, we just moved. He held it against me that I had moved so far away, on the other side of the city. I said, but Dad, its only 10 minutes more away. But he wanted to be miserable, so he found every reason he could.

After about a year of this I decided that I would do what a reasonable son would do, and that was hard because I used to do things to make him happy. But in that year after my mom's death I realized that I could do everything to make him happy, and he'd only be slightly happier (but mostly unhappy), whereas I would be much less happy. So I went for the greatest overall happiness. I decided to do what was reasonable. It took me a long time to just say, no, he is being unreasonable.

So after that year, I did see him about twice a week. I went shopping with him maybe once every two weeks, I ordered meals on wheels for him (He complained about them).

Six months after that he died suddenly, and I had to ask myself, in my soul, did I make the right decision? Should I have spent more time with him, should I have made him happier. Fortunately the answer that came back from my inner self was, no, you did what a reasonable son would do, you didn't neglect him, but you didn't bend to everything either.

So after he died, I was content in what I had decided, and what I had done.

James


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12/13/17 4:58 A



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I can certainly understand where you are coming from, but I also understand where your Mum is probably coming from. All you can do is to be there for her, without having to run to her whenever she thinks she needs you with her.

I agree that a Psychologist would likely be very beneficial, but unless she actually recognizes that, AND wants the help, there isn't much that you can do. It sounds like she may have anxiety issues, and possibly some couples' therapy would be helpful too. This latter type can be done on a one-on-one as well as both husband and wife, with the Therapist.

I suggest that you get the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend who are Psychologists. They teach you how to set boundaries for situations such as that which you experience with your needy mother.

When you mention that 'the Dr' has said it was a good idea that she see a Psychologist, was this HER Dr or a Hospital Dr? If it was the latter, I would talk with her Dr, and fully explain to him/her what is going on, etc. Her Dr may be able to spend a little more time with her and may even be able to help medically to reduce her anxieties which in turn could help with her sleep issues.

When your Mum was diagnosed with Sleep Apnoea, did they suggest any treatment? I have a CPAP machine which helps a lot. My Obstructive Sleep Apnoea was described as 'significant'. I also suffer from Insomnia and understand the challenges that is created by it.

Good luck,
Kris

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DAGNY99's Photo DAGNY99 Posts: 1,302
12/12/17 9:06 A

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This is kind of not weight related but I haven't been able to consistently workout in a while.
I am the youngest and I have an older sister. My sister married over 20 years ago and moved out. I don't remember my mom having problems like this then. I asked her if she did and she said she didn't. She had me...
I moved out to live with my boyfriend last November and officially in February. I live only half an hour away from my mom. At first I did not have a job in this area until June.
This started happening...in August.
My mom is having health problems like high blood pressure and insomnia and not being able to sleep. She is constantly going to the ER and they tell her that she needs to see her GP which she does. She has had a sleep study and they just confirmed that she has sleep apnea.
My problem is that she is very attached to me. she calls me constantly on days I do not work (I am part time at the moment) and you would think that I lived 2 hours away and do not visit her. This is not true, I am half an hour away and visit her at least 2 times a week. She does not drive so I take her shopping, to the grocery store, to DR visits, to the ER...
However, she lives with my dad. They have had problems since I was little. I have been talking with my sister and it seems they have been having problems since she was 7.
My mom claims that dad doesn't act like he loves her, she is lonely and he never talks to her, that he retreats to the bedroom to watch tv, or to his garage where he likes to tinker. While she can't fall asleep at night he sleeps from after 9 to 10 in the morning (he is retired) and he never takes her out to a restaurant like a real husband would. He won't talk to her much and the list goes on...My sister's viewpoint is that he is a quiet guy and has never talked much. She thinks he retreats because he doesn't want mom to start a fight with him and put her BP up. And my sister says that yes he would take her out to eat he'd take her anywehre she would ask him.
So even though my dad is available, retired, at home mom still relies on me to drive her places. When she had her sleep study, I had to go stay the night there with her. It could not be dad.
She recently got worst and was hospitalized and everyone was trying to get me on the phone but I was sleeping and we sleep with fan on so we couldn't hear the phones in the living room. She really wanted me to go stay with her in the hospital but dad stayed instead.
I'm torn between wanting to be there for her because we never know how long our loved ones have and she was there for me when I was little. But on the other hand, I am free to live my life. I am newly engaged and I know she is happy we are getting married because she loves my BF I think this is going to make it harder on her health. When my bf and I work different shifts and see each other very little, when I am off work I am usually going to help her. I have to call her on the phone every morning, around noon or after work and before I go to sleep. She expects this...
I think that she needs to see a psychologist and learn how to communicate with my dad but she won't even though the DR has said this is a good idea. I suggested church because we never went and that is where you go to for support but she doesn't want to go to one. I have suggested a senior center but of course I would have to drive her she won't be open to going with my dad or using a service like CARS

Goals:
SW: 280
GW: 150

Current Weight: 195

1st goal: 250 by 10/23/2008 -Goal met September 9 2008!
2nd goal: 225 by 1/18/2009 Goal met January 14 2009!
3rd goal: 200 by 4/16/2009 ---Goal met May 10, 2009!
4th goal: 180 by 6/25/2009----Goal Met!
5th goal: 150 by 10/8/2009


 current weight: 194.0 
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