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BECCABOO127's Photo BECCABOO127 SparkPoints: (95,206)
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9/18/18 10:31 A

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When I was working and losing weight, I'd have a coworker who bought me cupcakes all the time. I nicknamed her in my mind, "the cupcake lady." I learned to say, "no thank you," repeatedly, but she wouldn't give up. She was morbidly obese too, and I guess she didn't want me to change.

Most people are happy for me until I get close to their (lower) weight; then it freaks them out.

If the mind mends, the body will follow.

Gluten free is working for me!

"If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves." Thomas Edison


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BECCABOO127's Photo BECCABOO127 SparkPoints: (95,206)
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9/18/18 10:27 A

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So true, VRR!

If the mind mends, the body will follow.

Gluten free is working for me!

"If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves." Thomas Edison


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VRR1970's Photo VRR1970 Posts: 275
9/15/18 5:32 P

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It's been an odd journey for me. I've not been this size in 23 years. Didn't think I'd get here. I've ALWAYS been the 'fat friend'. Most people are happy for me, but I once had a co-worker who used to thrive off of being the smallest in the office and I was often her target. Well, I ran into her at a wedding recently. I hadn't seen her in nearly a year and a half. She wouldn't speak but would stare with her mouth open. It was gratifying a little. I will admit it. But it quickly became sad. I don't know. It's weird. In my head, I am that same girl. If you walk away from me because I want to better myself, then it's on you. Mom used to say people are in our lives for a reason, season or lifetime. I'm going to focus on the lifetimers and getting healthier. I look at it this way, if someone can only use you at your worst for their validation and not love you through your best, then it's their loss.

“Consult not your fears, but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you have tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do." Pope John Paul XXIII


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SUNSHINE99999 Posts: 21,215
9/15/18 3:58 P

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Thumbs up!



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KRISZTA11's Photo KRISZTA11 SparkPoints: (121,972)
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9/15/18 12:57 P

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I almost lost my best friend 1-2 years after my healthy lifestyle change, for similar reasons shared in previous posts. My friend has only a couple of extra pounds and looks great, but still didn't like the changes I made.

Another aspect: I had no major conflicts with family and friends, but I know I annoyed them by talking too much about healthy eating and exercise.
At that time it didn't occur to me that it is too much, because I was so enthusiastic about feeling so much better, and just wanted to share my joy and maybe inspire them to make some changes... but later I realized it really WAS too much.
Now I keep it to myself, and share my journey only here on SP.
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Kriszta

Goal weight:
58 +- 1 kg /// 128 +-2 pounds
CET (Europe, Hungary)

Maintenance Lessons Learned:
-go on with the healthy lifestyle learned in weight loss phase
-just add healthy foods gradually to stop losing
-work out every day - 30-60 minutes is enough to maintain weight and good mood
-do not try to balance overeating by extreme workouts, it is not going to work
-avoid overeating, instead of satisfaction you get stronger cravings


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CHERYLA2012's Photo CHERYLA2012 Posts: 4,043
9/14/18 1:17 P

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Yes I have seen both subtle and not-so subtle changes...

What worked for me was being my own cheerleader and working on both my mental (wrapping my head around weight loss) and physical health so that I can become the healthiest I can be. I'm doing this for me. Losing the weight is hard because the only one who can do it for us is us! Support or no support - I'm not letting that trip me up.

I can totally relate to the expectation of figuring your best friend is going to support you while you're becoming the healthiest you can be - the same way you'd support them, and I was shocked at how many people have experienced the opposite. Some losing best friends and some losing partners!

Matter of fact I feel I lost my best friend because of not being the "fat" friend anymore. I mourned a long time because of it - couldn't believe that would be a reason but that's the conclusion I came to.

Like another Sparker commented - the people at my current job have no idea I weighed 100 pounds more. They've only ever seen me like this. When I show them pictures they just can't believe it. Friends and family who haven't seen me in awhile are shocked by my appearance (and it takes me aback until I realize why!).

You got this. You know what to do. Here's to your continued success as you become the healthiest you can be!

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#50 lost (7.10.2013)
#70 lost (11.24.2014)
#100 lost (6.16.2015)

Only I can change my life, no one can do it for me.


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ELF41978's Photo ELF41978 SparkPoints: (23,971)
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9/13/18 9:18 P

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The word is green with envy.

I no longer have a best friend. Her choice. Her loss.

I will be healthy. I am doing this for myself.

I don't need her negativity anyway.

Small goals = Huge Successes
ELF41978 (Emily)

Weight Warriors, Challenge Leader, Summer & Fall 5% Challenge 2018
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CSROBERTSON621's Photo CSROBERTSON621 SparkPoints: (262,888)
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9/11/18 10:51 P

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It's been a while now, but yes - there was definitely a change in how people related to me at first. Weight is such a touchy issue... and since you've struggled with it yourself, you probably can understand up to a point. I don't know what your friend's particular issue is - it may be that she's mourning the part of your relationship that revolved around enjoyment of food, or that -- even if you're NOT trying to force any changes on her, the fact that YOU'RE having success makes her feel as though she's falling short. She may worry that you'll abandon her for "better" friends, even. Or something else entirely -- but really about her own issues, and not how she ultimately feels about you as a friend.

Just keep being the good friend you've always been - and try to understand that this one area of your life (though so very important to you!) is just a loaded issue for her. Forgive her for that, and enjoy the compliments and support others are able to give you. And as you keep being her friend, I'll bet she comes around, as she gets used to the change.

Truly, once the newness of your weight loss wears off, people just eventually get used to the new you. In most cases, my important relationships ended up basically unchanged by my weight loss in the long run. (I'm still me, after all!) There were other changes - like greater confidence, more assertiveness, more energy - that actually made my relationships stronger.

Starting Weight: 268 lbs. (November 2010)
Quasi-Maintenance: 165 lbs. (June 2011)
Goal Weight: 150 lbs. (reached December 8, 2011)

Size 22W to Size 4

Currently maintaining within 5 lbs. (+ or -) of goal. I weigh daily, but also use a tape measure and the fit of my clothes to guage how well I'm doing.
NDCAROL's Photo NDCAROL SparkPoints: (81,168)
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9/11/18 10:26 A

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I think I've always been the "fat friend". I was the fat friend at 120 lbs when my best friend was 95 lbs (high school). Really hard to keep things in perspective when I have such a distorted view of myself. Oh well, I have a better picture in my head now, and I'll be healthier soon.

"If you wanna be somebody else, if you're tired of fightin' battles with yourself, if you wanna be somebody else, Change Your Mind." Sister Hazel, from "The Fortress" CD.

I am stronger than the food.

I am not that person any more.


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-JAMES-'s Photo -JAMES- Posts: 11,802
9/10/18 10:07 A

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A very powerful bunch of posts here.

What I see in common is people who loose weight by changing habits and eating real food, less of it, and maybe exercising more. Just plain eating and moving healthy.

What they leave behind are friends who have not changed their habits, and therefor feel like the others are shaming them. But one has to do what is right for themselves.

James


All time highest weight : 217 pounds

Starting weight : 195.0 pounds (June 7, 2012)
Final weight : 168.2 pounds (July 23, 2013)


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POINDEXTRA's Photo POINDEXTRA Posts: 3,156
9/10/18 9:41 A

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Yikes! With "friends" like these ...

Maintenance is as much work as losing, but it has the advantage of allowing us to do it in cuter clothes - BESSHAILE

Maintaining since March 2003
Original goal weight 133
Current goal weight 120 (+/- 3% = 116.4 to 123.6)


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PAMBROWN62's Photo PAMBROWN62 Posts: 10,538
9/10/18 4:18 A

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This happened last week.

9/5/18: Spoke with my friend on the telephone today. Shared a good doctors report with her. Her first comment, “You are making me look bad.” Huh!?! I asked her what she was talking about. She said we are the same age and, if I keep it up, she will look older. Okay. 🙄🙄. So I suggested she join me on my journey. Her response was, “I don’t have time for all of that.” Again, huh.

So I told her that my journey had nothing to do with her. I needed these changes to be healthier and I frankly didn’t care what her thoughts about my journey was, because it is MY journey.

She then laughed it off and said she was just kidding. She’s happy I am doing so well.

Remember we are doing it for ourselves. It is not necessary for others to approve. If YOU are happy with you, whatever judgements you encounter are their problems; don’t let them become yours.

Being positive is a choice so remember, “Every day is not good, but there is something good in every day." Each morning seek the positive and you will have a good day. Also, with God, all things are possible.

PamelaB
Las Vegas, NV
Pacific Time Zone


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KRISUA's Photo KRISUA SparkPoints: (333,026)
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9/9/18 5:28 A

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Wow these stories!



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-POOKIE-'s Photo -POOKIE- Posts: 22,990
9/9/18 4:03 A

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I lost a long term boyfriend thanks to losing weight!

He never explained properly, but he didn't find it fun I wasn't eating all the crazy stuff any more and didn't like me being careful or changing my weight.

His loss.

I am now married with a 4 year old and 3 month old baby... And my husband has seen me at my lowest weight and with regaining a lot during pregnancy. And loved and supported me through it all.

Some people just can't handle change, be it jealously, shame, fear... But it shouldn't impact YOUR choice to be healthier.

TOTRIED's Photo TOTRIED Posts: 362
9/5/18 4:27 A

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Hi RENEENMAD I had a similar experience. A close friend and co-worker and I would go out to eat just about every Friday. We were both obese, 270 pounds or better, each of us. When we went out we paid no attention to portion sizes or calories. We would look at the menu and ordered blindly.
Then WW came to our office and several people joined, myself included, but not my friend. I lost a total of 80 pounds. At first she seemed happy for me but when I stuck to the program and the weight started coming off, the less she said.
Then on one of our Friday's out after work we went to eat. We ordered. She ordered as usual, blindly. As for me I was taking my time, paying attention to portion and calories. I don't remember what I ordered but it was low calories and small portion. Upon seeing this my friend said to me: YOU'RE NOT FUN ANY MORE.
There was no smile from her. I was shock! I couldn't believe what I just heard. Later that evening I started thinking, 'is that all she wanted me for. To be her eating out partner'. And yes that was what she wanted, I wanted the same also, but didn't realized it, and she probably didn’t realized it. People are friends because they have things in common, music, food, weight, height, arts, etc. you understand what I'm saying.
Well needless to say, I gained the weight back, changed jobs, and I am in the middle of the weight loss journey again. As for my friend and l, things never really got back the same. We both took different path in life.



Tip to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right and then turn it to the left. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.


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TOTRIED's Photo TOTRIED Posts: 362
9/5/18 4:18 A

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Hi

Tip to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right and then turn it to the left. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.


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MOMWANTSNOWAIST's Photo MOMWANTSNOWAIST SparkPoints: (147,936)
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9/4/18 3:39 P

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Yes, I agree with you ,RENEENMD, that it hurts! When I lost the 20 lbs.,my older sister ,who is obese,just said,"Well,that's not much of a loss ,anyway!" It IS when it gets you BACK to a HEALTHY weight!!! I have found,unfortunately on SP, some people also thought the same.But for the MOST PART, SP IS a WONDERFUL,SUPPORTIVE community and they WILL HELP you when you ask for it.

Edited by: MOMWANTSNOWAIST at: 9/4/2018 (15:39)
In God my heart trusts. ----Proverbs 28:7

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

KNOW that the LORD is GOD.It is HE who made us,And we are HIS;
We are HIS people,
The sheep of HIS pasture.
Psalm 100:3
Betsy ~~~CST






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SLENDERELLA61's Photo SLENDERELLA61 SparkPoints: (321,147)
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9/4/18 1:50 P

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I've gained many new friends in the 9 years since I've achieved a healthy weight, many of them people I met through running, many of whom have no idea I was ever overweight. I ran into one "friend" I hadn't seen since I lost weight and she told me she hated me, and there was no smile on her face either. Haven't seen her in quite a while.

I do have one long term friend that I used to walk with all the time, especially on Sundays. I was quite willing to keep walking with her (I run 3 times a week) on Sundays but she said she was too slow for me despite me trying to encourage her. For a couple years we hardly ever saw each other, but we've joined the same gym now and are getting reacquainted.


There are friends and family members who are jealous. Some don't seem threatened or different at all and others avoid me. Some just avoid me at meal times. I try to be nice to everyone, but some people are uncomfortable with change, even when it is change for the better. I try not to act "holier than thou" and am not the food police when I eat with anyone.

I do think about relationships that are not necessarily competitive, but kind of. In high school I always made better grades than my best friend. I just thought of myself as a better student. And then on a standardized test she outscored me. I was shocked! It did change the way I saw her and the way I saw me. I didn't think it was a competition, and was surprised at my own reaction.

I suspect it is something like that when someone you always liked but just thought of as bigger than you suddenly isn't. And it takes away your friend's excuses. The having surgery, well she wasn't going to do that. But losing through diet and exercise? You've just proven it can be done, and I bet she didn't want to know that. It probably makes her feel bad. She now has no excuse.

It might be better to approach this openly and ask her for more support for your efforts. Consider telling her how hard it is and that you need her. But it may just be one topic that is so sensitive and raw for her that she is unable to support you. Hope you can re-establish the relationship you want.

In the meantime, look for SparkFriends and SparkTeams to support the GREAT job you are doing!!

Best wishes as you approach your goal weight range.


My Keys to Success = Tracking! Super Foods! Step Up Cardio! And most important: Quit Quitting!!

www.sparkpeople.com/blog/blog.asp?po
st=86_pounds_down_marsha_is_one_active
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ARCHIMEDESII's Photo ARCHIMEDESII SparkPoints: (205,221)
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9/1/18 4:35 P



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Mary,

The same thing happened to me. I had some co-workers tell me how great I looked. Asked me what I was doing. Like you, told them I was eating right, watching my portions and getting some regular exercise.

They looked crestfallen at my reply. I think they were hoping I was going to tell them what miracle diet I was doing or what pill I was taking that made the fat go away.

No pills. No miracle diet. Just old fashioned hard work and paying attention to what I ate. but yes, I heard the crickets too.


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9/1/18 4:23 P

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Another thought, when my weight loss became very noticeable, the first question I was asked was had I had gastric bypass. The second was what "diet" was I on. I told everyone the true truth. I counted calories and ate unprocessed "real" food and exercised daily. That's when I heard the crickets. I truly think people hope there is trick to weight loss. It just can't be as simple as eating clean, and moving your body. It takes focus and determination and work. People don't like to hear that. Your friend who celebrates the gastric bypass process may not realize the challenges it creates. It takes the same kind of focus and determination or it backfires too.



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SHOAPIE's Photo SHOAPIE SparkPoints: (533,337)
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8/31/18 1:39 P

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Unfortunately for me, the first place I lose weight is in my face, so people think I’m too thin without checking out the rest of me. Maybe we shouldn’t focus so much on what others think, just ourselves. Really, that is the only opinion that matters. Be proud of yourself!



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8/31/18 9:50 A

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No, but I still have a ways to go.



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SHERYLDS's Photo SHERYLDS Posts: 17,719
8/30/18 12:17 P

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just a thought....
as much as we value our friends and family, there are still people who succumb to a little bit of competition with each other. Everything is fine until one person seems to be getting ahead. Sometimes it encourages the other to push harder to keep up the pace; sometimes it produces a hint of resentment. People see change as a challenge to the balance they are used to. Maybe the best way to deal with someone's insecurity is simply to plan healthy activities or sharing healthy meals when you eat out (a salad and an entree), without bringing up the subject of weight. Including someone on your journey without focusing the attention on weight, helps people focus on the positives instead of feeling that they are 'falling behind'.

Edited by: SHERYLDS at: 8/30/2018 (12:23)
Sheryl, New Jersey EST, SUMMER 5% Challenge-KITCHEN CHAMPIONS


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8/30/18 10:06 A



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RENEENMD,

When I started my own journey several years ago, a cousin of mine (whom I love dearly) was very positive about praising the weight I'd lost. However, as I continued to lose weight, she became less vocal and there was one time we were out, I had taken off my coat (two sizes too large because I hadn't bought a new one yet) and she exclaimed,"Are you still losing weight ? Are you sick ? You look gaunt". At the time I was around 165 pounds, hardly waif material.

My cousin has weight issues she refuses to address. She knows she needs to lose, but in order to do it, she goes on crazy diets. She hasn't had her AH HA moment yet. I'm going to take a guess that your friend is like my cousin i.e. still struggling with her weight.

Even though you have told her how you did it, she may be jealous that you did it and she hasn't. She may resent your success. You may be innocently talking about your own journey of how you lost weight. but every time she hears you say something, she may be thinking it's a criticism of her failure to lose.

That's just a guess.

I know that my cousin and I no longer talk about my having lost the weight. One thing I noticed is that when I did lose, a lot of people who knew me as OBESE, couldn't wrap their minds around the fact that I was now lean. I've changed jobs a couple of times. My co-workers have never seen me fat. When I tell them I once weighed over 235+ pounds, they are shocked. I had to show them the fat pictures to prove it.

Could be the same with you. People who "know" you as being overweight, just can't get used to the idea that you're leaner. It takes time for people to adjust to change. Not just you and your weight loss, but your loved ones need to adjust too.

And well, I'm not criticising your friend, but maybe she thinks that now that you've lost the weight, you don't want to be her friend because she's still overweight.

I hate to say this, but it's true. Some overweight people who've lost the weight have dumped friends who were still fat. Your friend may want you fat again because she wants her friend back.

Once again, just a guess.


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8/30/18 8:44 A

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Anyone else see subtle changes in their relationships when the weight starts coming off? People who always seemed to bring up body and weight issues 'incidentally' in conversion don't anymore - and when I make a reference to my journey they change the subject.

I have a dear friend who is like a sister to me. She would never shame me, but when mutual friends had bariatric surgery she would talk about it a lot to me, mention how well they were doing, etc. She was very public in supporting them on social media, too.

Well, with a combo of riding my bike to and from the train to work everyday and Weight Watchers I've lost about 80 lbs / 2.5 sizes (with about another 60 to go). All I get from her is crickets. Zip. My coworkers who see me everyday have given me more positive feedback. I dropped a size between the last time we saw each other in person, and she says nothing. Since she's my best friend, she knows all about what I'm doing.

In everything else in my life, she's been so supportive. I'm not a fan of making a big deal about weight in any context - there are much more relevant ways to define a person - but to not get ONE WORD from her really hurts.

Edited by: RENEENMD at: 8/30/2018 (10:17)
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